How To Move On From A Twin Flame

Yes, this article is going to be woo-woo….But tis the season of spooky. I understand that most people roll their eyes when someone brings up auras or Saturn returns. I do take such things with a grain of salt, yet I couldn’t deny that I have a twin flame. I was listening to “Girls Gotta Eat” podcast and their guest was “Mystic Michaela.” She is a psychic medium and reads auras. For the first five minutes of the episode I was a little skeptical, but kept listening. Then twin flames were brought up and my jaw dropped. I realized that she was describing a person that I could never seem to get over and it was the biggest heartbreak in my life.…

So let’s break down what a twin flame is…

Michaela explains it so well. She also has her own podcast called, “Know Your Aura with Mystic Michaela.” The episode titled, “Twin flames, soul mates, and kindred spirits” really breaks it down. Basically a soul was split in half and put into different bodies. Not everyone will meet their twin flame because it goes though multiple timelines. Ending up with your twin flame is rare because of this. If you do meet your twin flame, it is a sign that your are going to change spiritually and it is a message. You will have a honeymoon phase where you can’t be apart….then…problems come up. There will be a runner and a chaser and it will not make any sense why you can’t just be together. Then you will finally separate. He might pop in and out of your life. You could run into him in the grocery store or get a random text here and there. Dreams about him will be common, especially when he is still in your life.

So… what can we do about it?….

Listening to the podcast really helped me. I finally felt validated for feeling the way I did. Unfortunately, there really isn’t anything to be done about it. It might trigger him to be around you, who knows. Either way, it will be memorable and teach many lessons from how you treat relationships going forward.

He will fade away once the lesson is learned….

You will go though angry resentful phases with him. I actually blocked him for over a year. Yet the second I decided to unblock him he sent me a text a day later. There will be a lot of yo-yo interactions where you won’t know where you stand, yet he keeps reaching out. However, he will fade out once you are healed and in a new place in your life.

Be grateful for meeting him….

I met him the worst year of my life and then my life got a lot more calm after that. Think about the situation with love and gratitude. It hurts to grow and change into better people. He could have pushed you to grow since he is your mirror. It can feel raw to look at yourself and see your worst qualities reflected back onto you.

Go though the normal break up protocol….

If it’s still fresh then yes, block, unsubscribe, and give yourself space. It’s not a good idea to tell him you are twin flames. That probably won’t go over well. Just mourn the loss and then date new people. This is very simple advice to give and it can be agony to not be able to reach out. He had been blocked, unblocked, deleted from my phone so many times. He is the reason why I needed to write about dating and hopefully prevent someone from making the same dating mistakes I did.

Only talk to spiritually woke friends about it….

Your friends who don’t get it will probably laugh at you. Keep the information private and only express it to your witchy friends. It is hard to get the skeptics to be on board with this kind of thing. You do not need to force your point of view on them. Just explain it was a rough breakup that is hard to get over.

Bottom Line….

If you have gone though it, then I feel your pain. This situation isn’t having an abusive boyfriend. All the conflict will be just confusion and frustration. If you are still in the angry phase, just be by yourself. You really do need to build a life without him. I wouldn’t advise you spending a fortune on spammy tarot readings and breaking curses. Protect yourself and just gather information. Not everyone meets their twin flame and that’s totally fine. You will not have to go though intense heartbreak and that’s good. Either way grow from it and look at it with gratitude when you are ready.

Meeting People In The Wild Part 2

My social life completely shifted once I took a few brave steps. There have been trials and errors and data collecting. It can be overwhelming to even fathom going out by yourself. However, that’s where the magic happens. It’s when you are confident and having fun solo that people want to go up and talk to you. You need to flex your social muscles to be able to be approached by a guy. Your not knowing how to chitchat will make the first impression suffer and you might not get that phone number. It all starts with baby steps. What are more tips to meet men or new friends in person?….

Pick events to go to….

It’s more likely you will get people chatting at an event. This can be a band playing, comedy show, or drag show. When there is a focus for the night most people are so occupied with the event they do not notice who is alone or in a group. A concert, especially, is the type of event that you can weave around with ease…and there will at least be entertainment if nothing else.

Start with a question or compliment….

The other weekend I was out at a bar. I turned my head and saw these two girls laughing with each other. One girl was wearing a “dump him” tee shirt, a la Britney Spears. I had to ask about the shirt. That snowballed into dancing and hanging out the rest of the night. It can be that simple.

Go to the bars where you got social before…..

In my town, there are bars where not even the bartender will chat with you. And on the flip side, there are bars where I make a new friend every time I go. Certain vibes are something to pay attention to. This could also be any place in general, not just bars. Maybe you meet friendly people at a certain grocery store. Go where there is a welcoming vibe and become a regular there.

Do less than you think you need to….

I used to try so hard to be the funniest in the room. I found when I stopped cracking jokes was when more people said, “you are so fun to hang out with.” I was baffled because I felt I was doing nothing and was even boring. Remind yourself that it’s fine to listen more and just enjoy yourself. You aren’t the hired entertainment for the evening.

Trust people will like you…..

It can get very nerve-wracking to be out alone. You get flashbacks of the cafeteria where no one would sit with you. People are going to be more accessible than you expect. Try to erase those old tapes of you as a child. Your ego wants to keep you small and safe and that’s normal. You need to collect positive data.

Practice with the bartender….

As a first step just dip your toe and chat with the bartender for a minute and see how it goes. You need to be cordial in a short bite-sized form because they are working. It’s a great lesson in how small talk works. It’s easy to bring up what’s going on around town or what’s the best drink to get, toeing the line of professional chitchat. This is the energy you need for the first impression with a new person. Have a boundary of not diving too personal and keep it light. Most importantly, know when to walk away.

Don’t have an agenda….

Enjoy your night just for you. See if the other person wants to exchange numbers or socials. I have found most who give out information usually do not follow up. It’s best to carpe diem the night and know that you will probably run into each other again. This is why it’s great to be a regular at a bar / cafe or two. You want people to start recognizing you and feel comfortable to chat.

Bottom Line…..

Building basic social skills starts with trusting yourself. Most people have been hurt in the past and get flashbacks of being bullied in middle school. Your ego wants to keep you safe from being burned again. You can gather positive data for yourself by dipping your toe in socially. Once you gain a few positive interactions it will build up your confidence. The biggest lesson I have learned is to do less. You think you have to be the prettiest, funniest, or smartest. The reality is you don’t need to entertain all night long and can just listen and throw in your few cents here and there. Know how to do surface level chitchat and know when it’s time to leave the conversation. Less is always more. If you left too soon, they can seek you out later. The network you build can lead to what I call the golden introductions. You getting an endorsement from a friend is going to go so much further than you “cold calling” a guy at a bar. Remember to gain positive interactions and practice once a week and you will be miles ahead of swiping on an app.

The Sneaky Link: Why Guys Hide Women

I just came across the term “sneaky link.” It essentially means keeping a person as a secret hookup. No social media posts, no bar hopping, and most importantly, no telling friends. It comes down to the harsh truth of dating that a man can be attracted in the bedroom, but not enough to be proud to take you in public and claim you as his. However, there are actions that can prevent a secret hookup from happening. This was a brief subplot in the show “Sex and the City.” It was in the early seasons where Carrie chats with a man who has an amazing sex life with a woman he did not take in public. Carrie asks why he can’t take her on dates? He explains that she doesn’t fit the physical mold and ideal for him. So, he just keeps her in the dark to save himself from embarrassment. It’s a hard tough-love thing to write about, but I had to come to terms with it because it’s happened to me over and over again. What are the reasons and preventable things to block the dreaded “Sneaky Link”?….

Never go to his place of residence…..

In early dating, he will try his hardest to get you to “watch a movie” at his place. Don’t go. You need to smoke him out and know he wants to be seen with you in public. It’s tempting to save money, not stress about a going-out outfit, and being cozy on the couch. Yet, you haven’t built the trust with him yet. He could totally see you as the late night secret hookup girl.

Look your best….

This one….is the tough one to hear. I am speaking to myself too. I have let myself go a little over the years. A lot of late-night pizza and not being super strict with my diet has resulted in not being at my ideal weight. Our current society standards are not fair for women. We are competing with celebrities who are receiving constant plastic surgery. Either way, there is an expectation and a difference when a man sees you as representing him in public. You probably already know when your appearance is slipping by how you are treated. “Pretty privilege” is a real thing and you will receive more positive attention and people going the extra mile when you look good. As humans, we judge based on appearance. Everyone feels comfortable by someone who looks healthy, clean, and put together. Notice how you are being treated on dates. Anything less than him doting on you and going the extra mile means he is not attracted.

Have high standards of what a date is…..

You are the one who decides what type of date you get. It will feel like you are in a business negotiation sometimes. It’s better to state what your values are, rather than caving to a guy’s selfish needs. You won’t get a humanitarian plaque to hang on your wall for being accommodating. If anything, he will respect you less for not having a spine. As a reminder, a date is in public where he pays for you.

Shift your energy back…..

This will not click in your brain until it happens in reverse to you. I have had guys who I did not like all that much, so my energy was not towards them. This causes a guy who likes you to push forward and chase. Once you see it done to you, it illuminates how you were acting and coming across. When you like a guy your brain will shut off and we will become impulsive. Texting him, asking him to hang out, agreeing to come by late night. Even just taking him off a pedestal and not have him consume your thoughts is a start.

Date for dates….

Going back to the in-public thing. Date to go on dates and enjoy your time together. Truly this is the best part of dating. Go to events, check out a music show, dance in the bars. A man who wants a shortcut does not value you. He will say, “it’s so expensive to go out,” “I don’t feel like seeing people – just come over,” “I just want to relax.” All of this translates to “I don’t see a need to pursue you or convince you to be with me.” When he is saying any variation of this, he doesn’t see you as girlfriend material or high value. He wants a free lunch where he does not need to claim you. Or worse, he doesn’t want to risk running into someone he knows with you on his arm.

Bottom Line….

It is never fun to be a “sneaky link.” A guy should be excited to show you off to his friends and take you on dates. Are there f*boys who do this to every woman they meet on the apps?….sure. However, it’s better to have firm boundaries and not give that type of guy what he wants. A “take it or leave it” attitude is because he does not value you as a real option. The hard truth is to admit that maybe you aren’t looking your best. This can be earth- shattering for women and full of trauma, so try to be as gentle as possible. View it as motivating to get better and on a healthy track for yourself. The most important thing is to never cave and fall into being a secret hookup. This means playing defense and only accepting public dates. You can’t be a secret when you are out in public together. But you will be a secret if you agree to hide in his home for every hangout.

The Attraction Window For Early Courting

The greatest debate in dating…. When should you have sex? In building a relationship, dangling the carrot helps you in getting a guy to lock it down. Unfortunately, desire and attraction are not on your timetable. Now, especially in our fast-paced dating world, we get distracted by another shiny object faster than having patience in building a relationship. In a casual mindset, this question does not usually come up. With courting and getting into a solid relationship not based on sex, it becomes tricky. The worry is if you give it up too soon, you will land in a Netflix and chill universe forever. But if you wait too long, you get friend-zoned. I will say that when you really like a guy you will always feel better by not hooking up. There is a gray area where you are trying to build up desire while trying to communicate boundaries. What are some things to keep in mind in an early courting stage?….

Mindset matters….

You hear a lot about the girl who had the one-night stand and then now she is married to him with three kids. More than likely, he was ready for commitment and she happened to come along. It is important to listen when he tells you what stage he is currently in. Either way, it’s not advisable to hook up after knowing each other for two hours.

You might get the ick….

You are part of the equation, too. There is a reason why a lot of men are thrown into the friend zone or it never gets off the ground. Attraction has an expiration date for most women. If a man is taking his time and not keeping up with constant dates, it becomes an out-of-sight, out-of-mind situation.

You could be friend-zoned….

Without attraction, anticipation, and desire you could either be forgotten or friend-zoned. It is important to not treat dates as job interviews and keep it light fun and a dash of sexy.

When is the right time?….

The safest and most bulletproof answer is wait until you become an exclusive relationship. His decision will be made faster when there is true desire. The window can be a short window when he is super-attached and in a commitment mindset.

Chemistry and timing…..

In the show “How I Met Your Mother,” the character Robin explains to Ted that the most important thing in love is “chemistry and timing.” Unlike rom coms, he having to move to Nebraska for work might not prompt him to propose just to keep you. Timing and practicality usually override most romantic feelings.

Bottom Line….

The relationship window might be closing faster than you think. With the distraction of options from the apps, Instagram, and any other platform, it’s easier to friend-zone or simply ghost. The hookup should never be rushed; rather, create desire and anticipation. He being in a commitment mindset will help speed his decision along. However, timing and practicality could stand in the way and close the window for good. Getting friend-zoned usually means there is not enough chemistry and there is nothing to look forward to. Once there is natural chemistry you need to create an environment of desire and anticipation in a playful way.

When It’s Okay To Take A Dating Hiatus

Taking a dating pause is a great debate in dating. The fear is that taking a month off will result in you fumbling every new date and getting out of the loop. My rebuttal to not taking a break is: you only have one chance to make a good first impression. Taking a step back in dating usually means not being in your masculine and trying to make things happen. When you start to get close to burnout it is usually because you are the one putting in all the effort. The apps can suck the time out of your day. Consider deleting the apps for a period of time and see how much energy and time you were spending. What are things your should consider before you decide to take a dating hiatus?…..

Are your basic needs being met?….

In the pyramid of needs the base of the triangle (basic needs) need to be met. The next block up is a job, your own place, a circle of friends and anything that enriches your life. Some women will bypass the basics and fill the hole with a boyfriend thinking he will fix everything for her.

“When I lose ten pounds I will date”….

This is the biggest debate. Should you wait to date until you have lost weight and improved your appearance? My take is something in the middle, which is scale back dating and focus more on you. Having a tantrum while throwing dresses on your floor before a date needs to stop. Looking and feeling your best, plus your energy, is what is going to make a huge difference in a first date.

Friends should be a priority before dating….

Men come and go, but friends stick around. There will be a time when you are married with no friends. Take advantage of friendship and having people to go out with. If you have lost your core friend group to moving or marriage, then make it a priority to build up a new circle. Make friends through other friends, going out solo more, and try out Bumble BFF.

Your first conversation will be more interesting when you have things to talk about….

Interesting people do interesting things. Your “getting to know you” conversations will be less painful when you take a dating breather. Live your life! You can’t talk about other dates on a new date. Take stock in the last time you traveled or have been on a girls’ trip. Enrich your stories with fun concerts, traveling, and starting a new hobby.

Are your holding yourself back?….

Women are taught to always be open to love. Men are taught to get their life together first then settle down. Society is totally okay with you being unemployed and friendless, but still dating. Going on endless first dates can be a huge distraction to reaching your goals. Men would never drop everything to be with you or give up a great opportunity. Yet women would do so without thinking twice. Unless you feel 100 percent comfortable with your job, living situation, friend group, then scale back with dating.

Bottom Line….

You can’t have everything all at the same time. When there is no foundation the house will fall down. Over-dating can totally be a thing for people. You need to feel like you have things to talk about and a solid friend group to spend time with. A man will not come along and fix all your problems. Going on dates not feeling confident is like putting money in a broken vending machine. Your energy is what’s going to get you a second date. It’s totally fine to take a hiatus and focus on you. You’ll come back wiser, hotter, and have some amazing stories to tell.

How To Ask For A Set Up

There is a right way and a wrong way to ask for a set up from friends. It takes strategy of whom to ask and it isn’t you just sitting at home while they find you your soulmate. The worst set up is from the reluctant friend who does not consider your type and interests and just throws you a single man with a pulse. Be rock solid about what type you are looking for before you tell others. What are things to keep in mind before you do the asking?…

Don’t ask your bestie, ask 2nd and 3rd tier friends….

The bar friends, or fun friends, see you at your best. Your BFF knows too much about you and will have a bias while looking. They might have blinders on to see a great match for you, mainly because they know your flaws and insecurities. Your bar friends see you as fun and positive and will want your match to be the same.

Leave out the negatives….

When you say what you don’t want, then the person might misremember and look for the negatives. Keep things very simple with only a few things you are looking for in a partner. You don’t want to confuse the one finding you a match. Don’t be too vague by throwing out universal adjectives. Stick to concrete things you are looking for, such as someone who works in the music or tech industry, for example. As far as a visual reference, talk about one celebrity crush that you are obsessed with.

Be social….

You can’t expect to sit at home while your unpaid matchmaker does the work. Don’t depend on a person who is doing you a big favor. Go to a lot of events, bars, house parties–all that. Bring your smile and your best outfit and mingle. It is best to get a set up as an in-person introduction rather than a drawn out back-and-forth.

Don’t follow up too much….

Your friend is not your matchmaker. They have their own lives and it’s rude to expect them to work around the clock for you. You sort of have to set it and forget it for the most part and hope for the best. The best strategy is to ask multiple friends so it becomes a numbers game.

Make sure your Instagram has photos of you….

When a friend wants to set you up, they need photos of you. It will be frustrating and not a great sell when you have only pics of your cat. Make sure to throw in a few flattering selfies and full body shots.

Bottom Line….

While asking for a set up be breezy and not pushy. You want the vibe that this is a fun thing that your friend can get excited about. When you are demanding and treating your friend like an unpaid intern they will be reluctant to actually find you someone. Still put yourself out there by going to parties and getting introduced by friends. Hang out with your socially extroverted friends who are well connected. A loose connection of theirs could become your next boyfriend. Make sure you are putting out great photos of yourself on socials. You need a reference for your friend to show. Make sure your pics are clear and flattering with head shots and body shots. Finally, have a tight elevator pitch that is positive about what type of person you are looking for.

The Dating Mixer: What To Expect

I have been thinking a lot about how trends work. My original major in college was fashion design and we were taught about the 20-year cycle of fashion trends. (I finally feel old now that low-rise jeans and butterfly clips have come back around). Either way, I feel any trend, even dating trends, go though cycles. The apps came out over a decade ago and younger people have only known the dating apps as a way of dating. Having a meet cute or a setup though friends feels fresh and exciting. This brings me to dating mixers…. I have actually said out loud to friends, “gee, I wish all the guys on the apps were in one room”…. Enter the dating mixer.

What is a dating mixer?….

It is an event held usually in a bar or event space where people can buy a ticket to meet potential matches. There could be a matchmaker in charge in certain cases. Usually, there will be opportunity to mingle and socialize and see who you hit it off with. Everyone there is single and ready to mingle.

What happens while there?….

There might be opportunities for introductions and entertainment. A good one has both some unstructured time and a bit of getting-to-know-people opportunities such as games or some speed dating.

Are there things you shouldn’t do?….

Don’t get wasted – stick to a two-drink max
Don’t get stuck on one person; make the rounds – You have a limited time, so make the most of it
Don’t have a hard agenda – Be open to chatting with different types of people
Don’t expect to meet your husband – However, you never know who you will connect with.
Don’t forget about your appearance – Great opportunity to get a professional blow out and wear your most flattering outfit

How much should you pay to go?….

I wouldn’t go over $30. There are certain mixers that charge an arm and a leg that I would steer away from. You want to be able to go fairly often if possible, but don’t want to spend a whole paycheck on it.

Is there a way to prepare for one?….

Brush up on your social skills. Say yes to brunches or house parties with friends. Get those conversations skills going again. It’s all about reading cues and being able to mingle in a natural way. The more you socialize the more you will feel confident

What clothes should you wear?….

Don’t go out and spring for a new outfit. Pick the go-to first date outfit that you know looks super flattering. You can go more simple with an outfit as long as it is figure flattering. (Keep it classy). Steer away from sky-high heels you have never walked in. You will be on your feet for hours. Stick with a block heel instead.

Bottom Line….

Anyone who is burned out from the apps should consider a mixer. Most cities have them (Google “dating mixer” for your city and see what pops up ). If you are a take-charge person, then start your own Meet Up group or network with people in your town. ( I plan on creating one, hopefully for Valentine’s Day this year). Think about how much time you can save in a night versus months of dating on the apps. It’s a good opportunity to go a little extra with your appearance since you are making a first impression with many people. Wear your lucky first date outfit and then get your makeup and hair done professionally if it’s in your budget. In the meantime, brush up on your social skills and accept invites to house parties. You can’t expect to meet your soul mate, but it’s a wonderful time saver and will give you a great perspective on who is really out there.

Don’t Bring Sand To The Beach: Why You Need To Be Single For Freshmen Year

“Bringing sand to the beach” is a saying I go to for this scenario. There were two camps of people I met freshmen year of college: The ones who recently became single and the, “hold on… going to step out for a call” people. In my experience, the orientation is crucial in making your friends for the rest of the year. Nothing can replace that tight bond you form the first week. Why is it a good idea to end things with your high school boyfriend before you start your next chapter?…

The first semester freshmen year will set the tone….

Unless you are going to college in your hometown, it’s very overwhelming to get adjusted. First night there you will realize that you don’t have to text your mom and can stay out until 4am. Your newfound freedom will be dampened by your high school boyfriend sending “concerned” and passive-aggressive text messages telling you to “stay safe.”

“So, I should transfer to his college, right?”….

Please don’t. Not only will he grow tired of you always being in his dorm, it will hold you back from your education. Your education is not only your classes, it’s learning to deal with your bitchy roommate who leaves her shoes by the door for you to trip on, or that finicky coffee maker you bought second hand. With a safely-net boyfriend you fail to learn fundamental “adult” skills.

Friends will stop including you if you flake all the time….

Don’t be the “you guys go ahead, I’m going to hang back” girl. You only get these wild experiences for one time period in your life. They call college “glory days” for a reason. You can’t exactly steal a traffic sign and nail it to your wall in your 30s. Nor can you sleep on a rock hard futon with a full face of makeup as an adult without needing a chiropractor.

Everyone is newly single….

Eventually, the high school sweethearts will break up. This will open up the campus to “single and ready to mingle” wide-eyed people. Not saying you should be the dorm whore, but opportunities will be open to meet your future college sweetheart.

If your high school boyfriend wants it to work he will try….

You being practical and saying you should end things might light a fire under his ass. There is no losing when you end things with him. Either it will save you from heartbreak where you see him in a Snapchat story with another girl or that awkward moment when you meet his new friends on his campus and try to figure out what girl he made out with the first night. It’s a big headache that isn’t worth dealing with. Fate will work things out if you and your high school boyfriends are meant to marry.

Never make long-term decisions based on a man….

This lesson carries for the rest of your life. No, you shouldn’t move for your weird situationship when he decides to try van life in Denver. Never move for a man unless there is a wedding date and you can’t get a deposit back on a venue. A man would never zig and zag for you if his education or job was at stake. He will probably say point blank: “don’t move for me.” Make decisions for you and you only!

Bottom Line…..

Seizing opportunities means you need to be a free agent. The worry and drama of what your high school boyfriend is up to will drive you crazy. You need to open yourself up to meet new amazing people. These new people will become your college besties who may join you in adulthood. Don’t waste the bonding time by looking backwards. Never make long-term decisions based on a man’s life. Make a man inconvenienced to show he isn’t dating out of convenience. Most importantly, choose your education and future before anyone else.

Less Money, More Problems: How Does Money Affect Relationships?

In an ideal world, money and relationships would not matter. There are always issues of power if the woman makes more money, or if both partners have no money. Personally, I have always struggled with money. I have worked in restaurants and have lived that bohemian life. Mainly, I have gotten into relationships with men who are restaurant workers while playing in a band. This has been restrictive to what sort of dates we could go on. It’s not practical to take a weekend off and fly to Hawaii or go to a fancy restaurant.

Being poor does not mean he is lazy…..

He might be trying to get a PhD or has a ton of student loan debt. It’s pretty common for young people to not be doing as well as their parents. He might have to live with roommates in a high rent situation. Nowadays, living in a city costs way more and is at the point of being not affordable.

What can you do if money is holding you back?….

It’s frustrating that you cannot go on nice dates. So getting to know a new guy results in maybe a cheap lunch and hanging at his apartment. This doesn’t really last long and it ends up resulting in a friends-with-benefits or casual relationship.
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To avoid this, here are a few ideas of what you can do that are free or very cheap….

Go to the beach or lake- If you are lucky enough to live near a body of water, take advantage. It’s fun to spend the day enjoying the sun and relaxing.

Go on a hike- This isn’t for everyone, but it’s always nice to get fresh air.

Get a slice of pizza- Usually the slices are massive and you can get cheap beer with it.

Go to day festivals or a local fair- There will music, people watching, and a fun atmosphere.

Play hide and seek in a mall- It feels silly and brings out childlike energy and competition.

Play patio games- Some restaurants have corn hole or ring toss games.

See free or cheap entertainment- Some local theaters shows are around $10. Open mics can be free or a small fee.

Take advantage of happy hour or food specials- Going out on a Saturday will be crowded and you will be paying more. Restaurants and bars give out deals during the week.

Go to the dollar theater- Not every city has this, but you could go to a matinee and sneak in snacks.

Play a drinking game- Most drinking games are “getting to know you” games. For non-drinkers you can just play the games without drinking

Can you get serious with a guy with no money?….

There are types of people who can be very wealthy… yet cheap. He might be a penny-pincher and see no need to spend his paycheck on you. Not saying he has to buy you a diamond necklace or be your sugar daddy. For example, does he buy you cough medicine and soup when you are sick? He needs to show you he is a provider no matter what his budget is.

Don’t let him guilt you into treating him on the date….

Sure…there might be situations where you split something. However, he should never pressure you into paying for both of you on a date. It just shows he is taking advantage and isn’t trying to impress you. All dates should be within his budget instead of picking a fancy place where you are forced to go dutch. (Keep in mind this is date night! You could just stay home when money is tight). Another reason to never pay for both of you is that you will expect him to grovel at your feet. When he gives you a mild “thanks” you will resent it.

Keep living arrangements separate…..

Especially when there is a gap in your finances. There will always be a fight about who pays for what. The problem lies when men are making less. He will usually not be inclined to pitch in with keeping up with cleaning or grocery runs. Resentment will be at an all time high and you will slip into parenting mode, rather than partners.

If a man strikes it rich, he might feel the need to upgrade…..

This can happen with men who reach a level of fame or prestige. You have to keep in mind that you might be with him while he is poor, then suddenly he makes it big and leaves you. This isn’t always the case, but it can certainly happen. So, don’t think that you found a wounded bird to bring back to life. He will more than likely leave you behind, and you will feel dumb about trying to help him with his finances. Be with him in the present, not his potential.

Bottom Line…..

Money always causes the most fights in a relationship. The important thing is seeing if he is wanting to be a provider, regardless of his paycheck. You can’t expect a guy on a limited budget to take you on a week-long vacation in Cancun. Sometimes, if there is too much of a gap in money, it does not work long term since one person is used to a certain lifestyle. In modern society, a woman still wants to feel taken care of even if she makes more money than him. Remember that liking a man for his potential is a bad idea. Sure, he might get that raise or win the lottery, you just can’t count on it. Plus he might want to upgrade and leave his past life behind, which includes you.

How Can An Average Joe Be “Camp Hot”?

I frequently chat with my guy friends about dating. All have sighed and said they get zero matches on the apps and are getting discouraged. First, I try to fix up the profile, switch out the photos, then see if there is any traction. However, the apps are not set up to favor the men. Women get constantly swiped on and only really have to get their photos out there. If a guy thinks she is his physical type — swipe right. With women… it’s a little more complex: personality, humor, and occupation go a long way. A simple 2D profile cannot capture the essence of a human. This brings me to “camp hot” and how an average Joe can capitalize on the concept….

What is “camp hot”?…..

It is a biological concept where if men are scarce, then women will find the men more enticing. It goes back to a “stranded on a desert island” or in a potato famine situation. Women, to be able to breed, had to perceive the dwindling men as attractive. It is the opposite of the “cheerleader effect,“ coined by Barney Stinson in the show “How I Met Your Mother.” The effect is where women in groups will all look the same. When one woman is gorgeous, the men will perceive all the females in the group to be hot.

What should a guy not do?….

Key mistakes are to go against the theory. Any place where he blends in or where there are too many options, he should steer away from. Dating apps are the worst idea. Even decently attractive men will be swiped aside to favor the most attractive out there. Yes, women might take a beat and read a profile more. However, a few prompts, even if interesting, can’t trump model looks.

Be a leader….

Women need a story about a guy. She is more likely to be asked what a guy does versus what he looks like. When he is in charge of hosting an event, the lead singer of a band, or runs an indie film fest, she can share that with her friend. It creates an identity with that guy as well.

Pick a class or club that caters to women….

There are certain classes that are geared more to women. A pottery class or a “paint and sip” club, for example, are great ones. Just like in the classroom days, the girls will scope out the room for the cute guys. The fewer single guys, the more leverage.

Go out with your “wing men” sparingly….

Hanging with the bros seems like a natural way to go to bars. However, when it’s a big group of men, the women zero in on who’s the most charismatic and talks the most. An average guy is usually introverted and isn’t good at hitting on women. When going out, pick a mixed group of females and males. With a mixture of mostly women, but a handful of men, it helps you stand out since there are fewer choices to go through. When there isn’t a group to go with, be okay with a solo happy hour. Suit up, show up, and try to strike up conversations. Going earlier is a better strategy than last call.

Bottom Line….

With modern dating, the attractive Alpha males know how to be in the spotlight. They have no issue with the apps and thrive while going out with the boys at the bars. The sensitive, average, or introverted men get swiped aside. It is a shame since most of the nice guys make wonderful boyfriends. An average guy can stand out and shine when there are fewer shiny objects eclipsing him. I have fallen for many guys who are in charge of something. Many times to girlfriends, I would exclaim I am seeing “Brad the DJ” or “Peter the guy who runs the bad movie night on Thursdays.” Let’s face it, the apps are starting to be on the decline. Everything old is new again, with dating mixers and friends more willing to do a set up. Soon, the average guy will become the exceptional guy once meeting in person becomes the norm again.