The “Good On Paper” Date

You know the rule…good on paper, bad in bed” – Samantha Jones.

This is a specific issue that women face in dating. On the whole, a woman dates for the long-term and is willing to give a guy a chance. Versus men, who are attracted first, then see if there is anything to go off of. Why do women fall into this type of date, and what can men learn about how dating decisions are made?….

“Give him a shot”….

Society wants woman to give men a chance. This can be valid if the pattern is only being attracted to bad boy heartbreakers. With the apps, and women putting themselves out there, they are more prone to being asked out by a guy who she isn’t bursting at the seams about. 

“Ya never know”….

Can attraction really build, or is chemistry an instant feeling? I personally believe that you can build trust or see if a man is worthy of a relationship. However, chemistry and that spark is instant. So trying to wait for a spark can make a woman feel like she is settling.

Should you go on a good-on-paper date?….

It depends on your initial pattern of dating; it also depends on if you are trying to get more serious with a person rather than casual. A date with a “good on paper” guy will feel boring to you if you only do Jell-O shots and hook up in the parking lot. 

Ask yourself if you want to settle down….

Most people who encourage a good-on-paper date are well-meaning friends or your mom. They want you to snag an eligible reliable husband. Most people claim they want a long-term monogamous partner while they are out every weekend partying. Really get to the bottom of what you truly want. Most people who claim to want a stable relationship actually desire a cat-and-mouse chase and the za za zoo. 

My year of yes….

Last year, I went on every date who asked. I would say that I was only looking forward to maybe a handful. There is something to be said for having chemistry, being attracted, and intrigue. A first date should not feel like a chore; you need to look forward to it and be excited.

Don’t be bullied into a date….

This can happen to men when their mom or aunt wants to set them up with so-and-so’s daughter from the church. A forced set up is not creating a romantic vibe and you will feel like the whole date is one big favor. 

Bottom Line….

The good-on-paper date usually falls onto women. You will be mad at yourself when he doesn’t make you feel anything. He might be a successful lawyer, and owns a home, or has his sh*t together. And yet, you would rather say yes to the struggling artist who is living paycheck to paycheck. It is something to examine if you are sabotaging yourself from a long-term partner. Anyone in a toxic pattern tends to feel comfortable with the familiar, rather than what is healthy. However, I don’t think settling and making someone else happy is going to be a long lasting situation for you. Be honest to at least yourself of what you truly want out of dating. It is ok to admit you want the “will they or won’t they” passion. A hot spark might fulfill you more than sweatpants and Chinese take-out on the couch. 

Should You Have Unflattering Pics In Your Dating App Profile?

Everyone would rather hear, “wow, you look so much better in person,” versus, “hmm…kinda disappointed.” Yet, it is a fine line to attract, be honest, and then lower expectations. Give yourself permission to have fun with your photos and get creative. You can have the photos tell a story or have a color theme. This is, of course, not necessary, but try your best to think outside of the box and stand out. How can you lower expectations for your benefit?…..

Use the right filters….

Yes, there are beauty filters, and yes, you will look amazing. I do not encourage you to use them in a profile. You are misleading a guy and it can only lead to higher expectations. However, there are filters you can use. I like the “light leak” filter because it does not distort the face, but it gives a cool lighting effect. You can play around with this if you are too scared to have all your photos raw.

Lighting….

I have purchased a tiny beauty “donut” light off of Amazon. It fits on your phone or you can hold it. It will elevate any candid photo. Good lighting is not a crime, but you still want your features to look like you. 

Go au natural….

A good way to make you look less attractive is to do bare-face photos. You will always wear makeup and good hair on the date, so you will look like an upgrade. It is fine to take a pic with your hair up sans makeup. 

Body shots can be slightly unflattering….

It sort of comes down to what you are most insecure about. If you feel insecure about your body, I would lean into a slightly unflattering body pic. It can be a mistake to kitten fish and show how your body looked like a decade ago when you were on two sports teams and had metabolism. 

Unflattering does not mean boring….

I never think a photo should be boring. You can still make it interesting, but you are not misleading and eventually disappointing. Gym selfies, home bathroom selfies, or car selfies are simply blending in with the masses. You can always make a photo more interesting by the location or lighting. Take an opportunity to do a selfie if you find yourself in a cool bathroom or art exhibit. 

Bottom Line….

With your dating profile, it is better to think long-term rather than short-term. You are better off looking hotter on the dates versus on the profile. It will calm your nerves before the date when you know you will impress rather than disappoint. Yes, you might match with fewer men, but long-term, you are weeding out the highly superficial f*boys. The guys who demand more photos to prove you are “real” should be avoided. They are not interested in your personality or getting to know you. To start out, I would pepper in photos that aren’t glamour shots. Not to say every photo needs to be hideous; it is more about stripping down the photo and making you not look all dolled up. Again, you want to hear a “wow” in person, not a “oh…”

The Biggest Time – Waster Offenders On The Apps

If you’ve been on the apps as long as I have, you will come across the same type of guys. Most are harmless, yet there are some that are true time wasters. If you are a “Rules” girl, a time waster is to be avoided at all costs. The good thing is that his traits will be revealed in the first day of chatting back and forth. Anyone out there who is banging their head against the wall and deletes Tinder every three months to get a new batch of guys can relate. Let’s break down some time-waster offenders….

The “I need something extra in addition to the date” Guy….

Sometimes it’s a joke….maybe. There are a lot of guys who live further away who want a tour of your town, or even food and gifts. It’s almost like he is asking for an incentive to take you on a date and makes you question if you are enough. If this happens, make it sound like it’s the most hilarious joke you have ever heard and say how silly he is. This might make him realize his need for more won’t fly with you. You can even put him on the spot and in a “joking” way say, “oh, am I not good enough?!” With a tongue out emoji. See what he says. If a guy lives an hour plus away, this is more likely to happen. A first date is stressful enough, but adding a need to play host adds too much pressure. Still, you don’t owe a guy extra in addition to the date; a date is enough. This guy is what I call the “half-way guy.” He is not at all invested and expects you to do all the work.

The “What’s the worst thing you’ve done?” Guy….

It sort of has an air of setting you up to fail. I personally think it’s a trap so you will reveal really traumatic personal things so he feels he dodged a bullet sooner. You feel like you are cornered because you don’t want to sound lame for never being arrested, yet if you take it too far there is no coming back from it. If you come across this, say the most innocent crime you can think of, such as jaywalking. This also falls into the category of the “two truths and a lie” game. Obviously, it is trying to get to know you in a creative way, yet it’s a stock “getting to know you” tactic. I wouldn’t spend an afternoon using your brain power to come up with the most clever answer. If this comes up a lot, then just write it down in your notes and copy paste. Stay in the land of positivity. Again, it sort of is a set-up to fail if you are bragging about something, or admitting something personal. 

The “Let’s cut to the chase” Guy….

It is a guy who thinks getting to know you is stupid. He will huff, “what are we doing here? Let’s meet up!” His attitude of having a basic exchange being torture is extremely off-putting.

The “What are you looking for on here” Guy….

Any guy who asks that question wants casual…period. I get that he just wants to cut the bull, but it is also a lack of understanding of how women work. We need time to process, get to know a guy, feel the chemistry before we decide if we want to sleep with him. So rushing to the finish line will always be a no, even if it would have been a yes later. If you are also looking for casual, then great, he is down. 

The “Sleazy Slimy” Guy….

Any guy who asks for nudes and is sexually explicit in the first exchange should be unmatched. Unless you want that type of transactional casualness. 

The “Pick up Artist” Guy…..

“Hey toots, I didn’t realize that shirt was in style…” Yea that type of guy. Any dude who comes in with a “line” should be ignored or not taken seriously. He probably copied and pasted his pick-up line to 30 women. He is a time waster because he clearly doesn’t want to know you. 

The “So, I am going though something” Guy….

There is nothing wrong with having feelings, or having a bad year, but to tell a stranger on the apps?….This guy gets the heart strings pulled, yet he is just a wounded bird and will only use you to get better to find someone else. He will never be able to commit and can always go back to “him not being in a good place.” This is true that he should be single to figure things out, yet don’t waste your time by being dragged along. 

The “Pen pal” Guy….

This guy I honestly don’t have so much hatred for. Yet, it does get super frustrating when you know you like him and want to be asked out. But this guy will not waste your time in the real world. He might be a fun person who lives in your phone and you talk to. Some interactions are better off in the chatting phase, especially if his living situation doesn’t work, or if there are too many hurtles to even meet. It’s totally fine to practice flirting and not be so outcome based. 

Bottom Line….

Some of these guys are big offenders and some are mild. Yet, they are all time wasters. Make your interactions positive and cut out people who don’t give off good energy. You can have an amazing personal conversation with men on apps, but the time wasters can be like paying the tolls on the highway that keep you from going on an awesome date with a guy. Think about where you are at and what stage of dating you are in. There might be stages where you just want to chat, or you might want to go on a lot of dates. It’s best to not get wrapped up in something that won’t go anywhere, especially if you are too focused on one guy. 

Spring Forward Into Fresh Date Outfits

Spring is a transitional season. You aren’t covered up by a heavy jacket and hat, but you still have some modesty with a light jacket. Having that extra layer can give you that structure and polish to an outfit. Spring cleaning should extend into your closet. Do a try-on-and-donate day. It is best to still see what fits and what is not flattering. I always say you can make this fun by inviting friends over to give you feedback. It is helpful to hear what outsiders have to say and get a second opinion. What are some clothing options to look out for on your next shopping trip?….

The Jean Jacket….

When I go thrifting, I make sure the jacket is from The Gap, Old Navy, or Levis, etc. I would steer away from trendy cropped or too-many-detailed designs. Even the wash is important. It should not be an acid wash or ripped. This will help you be able to continue to wear the jacket for years and not have to donate it after a few months. When done right, the jean jacket looks casually dressed up and adds an extra layer of freshness to any outfit. 

Watch fashion YouTube videos….

Watching a YouTube video will at least show you what is in style. It does not mean you have to participate in every trend. It gives you a sense of what lengths and cuts are in style, and more importantly, what is outdated. Classics, such as a trench coat or a little black dress, stay in style, but certain cuts of jeans will change. Speaking of jeans, it is an easy way to update your overall look by going for what the current denim trends are. 

Remember this is a date….

Dating outfits will probably be slightly different from your regular going-out looks. It’s important to dress more feminine and less trendy, mainly because certain trends may not be that flattering. Not to say you have to wear a mini skirt and high heels. Try to stay away from unisex shoes (guilty). I love my boots, but there are different types of boots you can choose that give more of a girly look. Make sure your clothes overall fit you and are not super oversized. It is best to show your shape without feeling naked. Try to wear skirts and dresses as much as you can no matter the length. 

Dress for your body type….

You can determine what your natural shape is by taking a few quizzes online. There are things certain body types should either avoid wearing or embrace. For example, if you are more of an hourglass, it is always advised to showcase your waist. This could be through a belt, or more fitted clothing. When the waist is lost, visually you might look shapeless. This also means showcasing your assets. It is best to pick the body part that you are confident to show off. Be brave and wear shorter skirts if you love your legs, for example.  

Wear what is going to make you feel confident…..

There is nothing worse than feeling completely uncomfortable in your clothes. Make sure your clothes are physically not too tight or pitching you and wear your actual size. We get obsessed with the number on the size, but you need to ignore it and pick clothes that actually fit your body. This does not mean wear sweatpants and a large tee shirt because it is comfortable. You do have to get out of your comfort zone a little bit. However, certain fabrics and cuts can give you that comfort while giving you the structure of an outfit. 

Fabric choices….

Please donate all your 100% polyester clothes! You need your fabrics to be breathable in every season and be easy to clean. I love cotton the best since it does not have the wrinkle look of linen. However, linen can be a great material as well. There might be certain blends that you come across, but try your best to stick to a mainly cotton blend. A Spandex blend can be a good material since it is stretchy and does not wrinkle. 

Bottom Line….

Before you know it we will be putting our heavy coats into storage. It is best to get ahead of it by doing a closet clean out now and to determine what outfits really work. My favorite thing to shop for is jackets. I feel no matter the outfit a jacket can really tie an outfit together. Be cautious of a loud statement jacket that could read as outdated later on. It’s best to stick with the classics and the foolproof cuts. I can’t say enough about a great denim jacket. Not only is it on trend currently, but it will always be a classic for a reason. Try not to veer too hard into a current jean jacket trend and stick to the classic cuts and lengths. Remember that date outfits should be slightly more feminine and put together than a typical doing errands look. It is best to think about your natural shape and to pick an outfit that flatters your body. There will be trends that simply won’t look great on every body type (low rise jeans) so resist hopping on a “flash in the pan” look. Lastly, consider the fabric. Cotton is your safest bet for breathability and ease of care. 

What To Do If He Hasn’t Said “I Love You” Yet

The first couple months are a test to see if the relationship can have legs. Certain couples have zero issues in expressing how they feel. There are women who will say it first and have no regrets. I am speaking to the majority population of women who would not feel comfortable saying “I love you” first. After the six-month mark, there is the inner panic. I am here to give some insight on how to handle it and collect data as to what is actually going on in the relationship. What can be done if he hasn’t said “ I love you” yet?…..

Remain calm….

I know that sounds impossible, but you need a clear mind. He might have been showing you how much he loves you and simply has not verbalized it yet. Men who have been burned in the past, or have thought they said it too soon, will be extra careful. Men typically aren’t trying to be the bad guy and want minimal drama. Actions do speak a lot louder than words. A man who is an “acts of service” kind of guy might be filling up your car and fixing your sink. 

See how he writes a card….

He might have already said it in writing, but not out loud. When he gives you a birthday card, see if he says “love” or “from.” Men will not mislead you and just write “love” for no reason.

Try not to focus too much on a timeline…..

Every relationship is at a different pace. However, if it’s been a year, then it’s a little worrisome. I would reevaluate the relationship as a whole and see why he might not have expressed it verbally yet. At six months, I feel it is ok to gently bring up the elephant in the room. This is not your opportunity to say “I love you” to him hoping he reciprocates. You never want an “I love you” out of peer pressure. 

Why should you not say “I love you” first….

Again, you want him to proclaim it first. (Like I said, not every woman out there feels this way). It is hurtful to hear a mild, “I am just not there yet.” Or the dreaded “thank you.” It leaves you feeling cheap and yucky. 

Can you speed up the process?….

I would examine how much you are giving him without much in return. He might feel great just coasting and getting pampered. I feel a woman feels better to be chased down instead of him settling for you. If you spend every waking moment with him, I would consider pulling way back. See how he reacts by you suddenly getting busy and not available for his every whim. 

Should you call it quits?….

In my opinion, a man knows how he feels about you early on. Usually on the first date he knows if you are girlfriend material for him. I would hate for anyone to have years wasted from a guy who does not love her. Not saying you should be love bombed in the first week or anything dramatic. Most likely, the guy has told you he is recovering from the last relationship where he jumped the gun and said it too soon. If he doesn’t know within a reasonable time frame, then he is taking advantage to a certain degree. I would figure out what he is getting out of the relationship besides simply being in your presence. 

Bottom Line…..

The lack of a simple phrase can really screw up a relationship. Yes, men could be cautious in not blurting it out too soon. However, his actions should be speaking volumes that he cares for you and wants to be together. It’s tempting just to say it to get his reaction, but it will hurt you to hear something underwhelming from him. Men pretty much know early on how they feels about you. On the first date he put you in a box of someone he could see a future with. Having said that, users will be happy to play “make believe boyfriend” for a warm bed and a roof over their head. Really examine how much you are giving and how much he is taking. 

Why The Super Bowl Can Be A Great Date

You don’t have to be a football fanatic to enjoy the Super Bowl. It’s the only time when you actually want to watch commercials, and sports and non- sports fans can come together. Most bars will get in on the action and provide food and drink specials. Host your own party (if you have cable) and make it a fun mixer event where everyone brings a friend. Why should you take a date with you to a Super Bowl event?….

First of all, make sure this is a real date…..

You will more than likely get left in the dust by a guy who didn’t intentionally invite you to the event. He will be more invested in the game than you. Having said that, it’s a good test of how they feel about you. 

The pressure is off….

Unlike a date where it is an interview at a coffee shop, there are things going on. You don’t have to feel like you need to entertain him or work overtime to impress him. See how your date interacts with others and how passionate they are.

You won’t have time to trauma dump….

The spectacle and noise will keep you busy without a chance to overshare. This is great for people who tend to treat a first date like a therapy session. It is good practice being present and not overthinking the date. You can remain mysterious and intriguing while coming off as easy to be around. 

Drink and food specials….

Go to a bar that has drink and food specials. You are going to get hungry and want drinks anyway, so you might as well save a few bucks.

You can dress casually, but still cute….

If you are the heel whisperer, then please wear them. It isn’t expected to look decked out, but it’s a nice opportunity to look casual, yet pretty. Make more effort to do your hair and makeup instead of the outfit. It does make me think of a Y2K style where you wear jeans, but wear a cute “going out” top.

If the date goes south you can still enjoy the event….

Obviously if it’s super-dramatic then maybe not, but if you aren’t vibing, you can situate yourself elsewhere and still enjoy the game and the half-time. 

Bottom Line….

The Super Bowl is not marketed as a romantic event, which makes it easier to snag a date. I don’t think a man has ever said, “I don’t believe in the Super Bowl,” or it is “overrated.” It is easier to suss out a connection faster by seeing how you are treated at the event. He should be making sure you are having a good time, rather than having his eyes glued to the screen and not saying a word to you. Although, a distraction can be a good thing on a date where you aren’t telling him all of your dramatic woes. Practice being in your feminine energy by being in the present moment and receiving. The pressure is off to entertain and dazzle him, so you can relax and enjoy yourself.

How To Have A Great Galentine’s / Palentine’s Day

The right tone for every social situation is crucial. A Galentine’s / Palentine’s needs to be seen as a celebration rather than a pity party. It can be on the day after Valentine’s Day, but I feel it can be from February 13th-15th. There are other types of love besides romantic love. However, in our society, we only recognize or celebrate couples. Boyfriends will come and go, but friends stick and that should be recognized and honored. So, how can you make the most out of the day?….

Plan it out….

Seems kind of obvious, but I believe in structured and unstructured time for a social event. It would be great to play games and have a wine or cocktail night with a mocktail option for non-drinkers. Have activities so people aren’t just sitting in a circle complaining about dating.

Dress up….

There is no harm in dressing up a bit. Not saying you have to wear pink or red, but at least wear something beyond sweatpants. 

Maybe go out in public….

You don’t have to have a house party; you can go out as well. It could be a fun opportunity to meet new people. You could go to a fancy dinner and then go out dancing after.

Lift others up….

There will probably be a few sad people in the group. Why not make them feel loved and to hype them up? It can be hard, especially if they are newly single. 

Decorate….

If you are the one hosting, then it will be fun to decorate and think about lighting. Who doesn’t love some balloons and streamers? You want your guests to feel it is better to be there than in an expensive restaurant with a fixed menu. 

Curate the playlist….

This can set the mood and tone. Really think about a playlist that isn’t sad break-up songs. It’s best to not remind your friends of how rough and hard love is. Try to empower people and give some good nostalgia. 

Don’t freak out if they get a date last minute….

This is going to happen to at least one person. They might get that “U up” text from that one f*ck boy who wants to hook up. Explain to them that it will be a regretful decision to spend Valentine’s Day just for a transactional hook-up. However, don’t strong-arm them into staying.

Bottom Line….

Friendships should be honored and respected as much as romantic love. We tend to put it on the back burner and dismiss it. You should celebrate the love you feel from your friends and have a great time. Make it special if you are the host by having nice cocktails / mocktails and decorations. Pick a good playlist that isn’t just love-centric. Think of empowering music that is crowd pleasing. You can also decide to hit the town and grab dinner and then go dancing or checking out a band after. Lastly, try to sway a friend who gets an “U up” text. Encourage them to stay and try to lift them up, but don’t force them to stay if they have made up their mind.

7 Myths About Women And Casual Dating

I wanted to break down some myths when it comes to how women navigate casual dating. It is possible to compartmentalize and not get immediately attached to men. Yes, feelings can still be hurt and egos bruised, but many are fine with doing casual if they are in that headspace. These are seven myths that I have noticed that men / people may think about women doing casual….

Myth #1: If she slept with you (men) once, it is forever on the table….

This one is a biggie. Most women are perfectly fine with leaving things as a one-night stand or fun weekend. She can easily become fickle and sweep it under the rug if the experience was not up to her standards. Or she is fine to let the experience be a one-time thing and move on. The misconception is when a woman has sex with any man she gets chemically attached to. This is not always the case.

Myth #2: She secretly wants to get a boyfriend and is playing “the cool girl”….

In certain instances, yes, this is what is going on. However, many women simply want to have fun and are not trying to lock a guy down. 

Myth #3: She can only handle a bedroom buddy….

In the majority of cases, she is mature enough to handle chilling outside of the bedroom. As long as there is clear communication and respect, she is fine to grab a beer here and there.

Myth #4: She feels bad about herself and is settling….

Some women have only known a committed relationship and need dating to be less serious. It might feel liberating to her that it won’t go anywhere and she can get a good sampling of what kind of men are really out there.

Myth #5: She is very masculine and leads with this energy, or is a “pick me chick”….

There are feminine women and even commitment-minded women who just want to have fun. There should be no shame in letting her hair down and enjoying herself. Also, it is better not to put all your eggs in one basket. 

Myth #6: She has no boundaries or self-worth….

You can certainly have boundaries and have very high self-worth and still chose to casually date. If anything, when you date casually, you need more boundaries and are mostly playing defense so you aren’t walked all over. 

Myth #7: She is only looking for a one-night stand….

Her version of casual might be she kisses men in bars or flirts in coffee shops. It does not always mean she is sleeping with every man she goes on a date with. 

Bottom Line….

Being casual can be a phase or a lifestyle, and both are perfectly fine. More women who have not gotten data on the type of men she is attracted to should try to date abundantly. She shouldn’t feel shame from having a fun night or weekend. It is a misconception that all women get chemically attached to a man after sleeping with him. Most can compartmentalize and be ok with having a friends-with-benefits where they can hang out outside the bedroom. Women are allowed to define what casual dating means to her and not be judged. 

Should You Try Sober Dating?

Bad dating habits are sparked by one too many shots at the bar. One minute you are calm and collected then at the end of the night you are holding onto your heels and calling an Uber. Your dates might feel like a broken record of men shoving you into a casual dating box. If this is happening, it might be a good time to try sober dating. Unfortunately, there are some cons to doing so and some sacrifices. I had a sober period for a seven-year stretch or so and had many first dates in brightly lit coffee shops. (A huge con of sober dating is the atmosphere, usually is not romantic enough to set the mood and tone. I would encourage you to at least meet in the evening to create a cozy environment). But regardless of all that, here are some signs you should give yourself a sober dating challenge….

All your first dates end in a hook up….

Liquid courage can take it a little too far and dissolve your boundaries. You are not giving yourself a chance to let him get to know you.

Men only view you as the “fun girl”…..

“The fun girl” is not exactly a compliment coming from men. It is hurtful since you probably have an education you worked hard at and managed to make a decent life for yourself. Yet all he sees is how many shots you can take.

You launch into therapy mode….

Trauma-dumping and spilling the beans is your go-to. It’s hard to recover from what has been said and you can’t unsay it. It’s tempting to go into intense sharing mode and it ruins your greatest power in early dating which is intrigue and mystery.

Your memory is not at its best….

If you happen to get a second date, you probably don’t remember the initial “getting to know you” conversation. He might accuse you of not listening to him and therefore not caring. 

The good vibes shift into bad….

There are different types of drunks. The worst kind will completely shift the vibe and get angry or defensive. You could start fights or get confrontational out of nowhere.

Safety is not your #1 concern….

Staying safe in any regard needs to be a priority on a first date. You don’t know this guy and also you need to consider a safe way to get yourself home. He might take advantage of your helplessness in a dramatic way or mild way, or you put yourself and others in danger by being careless.

Bottom Line…..

At worst, you are becoming reckless with drinking, but even just giving off the wrong impression can be bad. Listen….. not saying you should never have a classy wine date, etc. My point is if you are relating to any of the signs, then it might be a great opportunity to rein it in a little. We all have different stages of casual dating whether we want total abundance or want to be intentional. Personally, for me, the pendulum has swung to taking a hiatus and regrouping after a year of saying yes to anything. January is the perfect time to reflect and decide what is working and what isn’t. I use the whole month to get focused on goals and to set the tone for the rest of the year. Understand what you are dating for. What are your dating goals? Don’t go by society standards and really figure out what type of dating will work best for you. Or maybe it’s a great time to be truly single and not have all the noise of dating to distract you.

The Case For A Smaller Friend Group

As an adult, your friends dwindle as people move away or get married. It can get frustrating to maintain friendships and you can feel like a loser for not having a large group to go out with. As a kid I was the weirdo who would cling to one friend who showed me attention. However, this actually taught me how to be a loyal “ride or die” friend and to form deeper relationships with people. So if you find yourself with the friend and the back-up friend, it’s actually a good thing…here’s why….

You are more open to meeting new people…..

When you have a large circle, your social needs are fulfilled. It isn’t that enticing to go to a bar solo to meet new people. You feel very comfortable to bail on a new date with a stranger to hang with friends. Limiting your circle builds up your desire to explore opportunities with acquaintances. 

You won’t have to celebrate too many birthdays….

Not that birthdays are bad. It can get a little overwhelming when you have to celebrate ten people’s birthdays through-out the year. The dinner and drinks and possible gifts can set you back financially. 

You will have more inside jokes….

Instead of spreading yourself thin with multiple people, you may develop deeper relationships. This means inside jokes, memories, and a shoulder to lean on. 

You get more “me time”….

Solo time is crucial for self-care. It is actually nice to carve out your own life and schedule. You can focus more on your side hustle and have fewer distractions

You can be more helpful….

There is only so much kindness that can go around in a day. Every once in a while a car will break down or someone will get dumped. You will be more present and have the time to be a good friend

Bottom Line….

When it comes to close friends, I have always lived by the rule to keep it small. As far as bar friends or people you see out you might have more motivation to expand and become more open to new things. A good friend is someone who is available for long chats and giggle fits. When you add too many people to the mix, you will get overwhelmed or feel you are all set in the social department. It can keep you in a comfort zone where you aren’t experiencing anything new or exciting. Lastly, it is completely normal to go from a huge group in your 20s to your last remaining friends in your 30s. I would see it as more of an opportunity than an obstacle.