I just came across the term “sneaky link.” It essentially means keeping a person as a secret hookup. No social media posts, no bar hopping, and most importantly, no telling friends. It comes down to the harsh truth of dating that a man can be attracted in the bedroom, but not enough to be proud to take you in public and claim you as his. However, there are actions that can prevent a secret hookup from happening. This was a brief subplot in the show “Sex and the City.” It was in the early seasons where Carrie chats with a man who has an amazing sex life with a woman he did not take in public. Carrie asks why he can’t take her on dates? He explains that she doesn’t fit the physical mold and ideal for him. So, he just keeps her in the dark to save himself from embarrassment. It’s a hard tough-love thing to write about, but I had to come to terms with it because it’s happened to me over and over again. What are the reasons and preventable things to block the dreaded “Sneaky Link”?….
Never go to his place of residence…..
In early dating, he will try his hardest to get you to “watch a movie” at his place. Don’t go. You need to smoke him out and know he wants to be seen with you in public. It’s tempting to save money, not stress about a going-out outfit, and being cozy on the couch. Yet, you haven’t built the trust with him yet. He could totally see you as the late night secret hookup girl.
Look your best….
This one….is the tough one to hear. I am speaking to myself too. I have let myself go a little over the years. A lot of late-night pizza and not being super strict with my diet has resulted in not being at my ideal weight. Our current society standards are not fair for women. We are competing with celebrities who are receiving constant plastic surgery. Either way, there is an expectation and a difference when a man sees you as representing him in public. You probably already know when your appearance is slipping by how you are treated. “Pretty privilege” is a real thing and you will receive more positive attention and people going the extra mile when you look good. As humans, we judge based on appearance. Everyone feels comfortable by someone who looks healthy, clean, and put together. Notice how you are being treated on dates. Anything less than him doting on you and going the extra mile means he is not attracted.
Have high standards of what a date is…..
You are the one who decides what type of date you get. It will feel like you are in a business negotiation sometimes. It’s better to state what your values are, rather than caving to a guy’s selfish needs. You won’t get a humanitarian plaque to hang on your wall for being accommodating. If anything, he will respect you less for not having a spine. As a reminder, a date is in public where he pays for you.
Shift your energy back…..
This will not click in your brain until it happens in reverse to you. I have had guys who I did not like all that much, so my energy was not towards them. This causes a guy who likes you to push forward and chase. Once you see it done to you, it illuminates how you were acting and coming across. When you like a guy your brain will shut off and we will become impulsive. Texting him, asking him to hang out, agreeing to come by late night. Even just taking him off a pedestal and not have him consume your thoughts is a start.
Date for dates….
Going back to the in-public thing. Date to go on dates and enjoy your time together. Truly this is the best part of dating. Go to events, check out a music show, dance in the bars. A man who wants a shortcut does not value you. He will say, “it’s so expensive to go out,” “I don’t feel like seeing people – just come over,” “I just want to relax.” All of this translates to “I don’t see a need to pursue you or convince you to be with me.” When he is saying any variation of this, he doesn’t see you as girlfriend material or high value. He wants a free lunch where he does not need to claim you. Or worse, he doesn’t want to risk running into someone he knows with you on his arm.
It is never fun to be a “sneaky link.” A guy should be excited to show you off to his friends and take you on dates. Are there f*boys who do this to every woman they meet on the apps?….sure. However, it’s better to have firm boundaries and not give that type of guy what he wants. A “take it or leave it” attitude is because he does not value you as a real option. The hard truth is to admit that maybe you aren’t looking your best. This can be earth- shattering for women and full of trauma, so try to be as gentle as possible. View it as motivating to get better and on a healthy track for yourself. The most important thing is to never cave and fall into being a secret hookup. This means playing defense and only accepting public dates. You can’t be a secret when you are out in public together. But you will be a secret if you agree to hide in his home for every hangout.