Ghosting And Fade Out

You will frequently hear at the brunch table that the villain of the story is the “ghoster”……”Why couldn’t he just be an adult and tell me he didn’t like me?!” I have been in situations where I did say politely that I wasn’t interested and made it perfectly clear. My answer was not accepted and it encouraged men to keep chasing. When someone is at a point of ghosting, usually the person on the other end did not pick up on the signs. Women tend to over-communicate in the early stages and tend to be outcome-based. Is ghosting the kinder way out or is it a lack of maturity?….

What is “ghosting” technically?….

A lot of people claim they were ghosted when in reality they were not. True ghosting is when someone asked a question and the other person did not respond, leaving you on “read” or “seen.” Making statements to people don’t require a response. (“I saw a cat today,” “hope you are well,” “I ate all the bread sticks at Olive Garden.”) More than likely the conversation ended naturally. Some people are very technical in conversations. Some say, “TTYL,” “goodnight,” “I will text you tomorrow.” Not everyone does this so it’s helpful to pick up on cues that the chat has wrapped up. A bad texter is usually an excuse, yet it does happen from time to time. See if he is trying to keep seeing you in person.

When should you ghost?….

If you have to give a clear message and they have not accepted you politely declining. Sometimes rejection falls on deaf ears. And yet, if we continue to speak to them, we are “leading them on.” If you have made it clear and have said you are not interested, it’s time to ghost. Especially, if he is an unstable guy who would get furious and retaliate if rejected.

The fade out….

Social intelligence is everything with dating. If you do not hear from a guy after a date….there you go. Matching his energy is your safest bet. If he is ok with being forgotten or you moving on quickly, he isn’t interested in keeping you around.

Cutting people off virtually….

As a baby step, you can mute on Instagram. It will make it more difficult to stalk, and out-of-sight, out-of-mind is a real thing. Our attention span is extremely short and we can move on quicker if it’s not in our face. If you feel blocking would cause too much anxiety of the unknown, then start with this step.

It’s not personal….

9/10 ghosting has nothing to do with you. Most likely, it is a volume issue and you got lost in the shuffle. Or you did not get the memo he is not interested. These days people can get turned off for no significant reason. Although, if every single date ghosts, then it’s time to get reflective on your behavior on dates.

If there is hesitation, rearranging, or something came up…..

Ghosting doesn’t happen off the bat. There are a few signs before it. If communication changes, if he has to postpone the date, or if something miraculously came up, he wants out. Again, it doesn’t always mean it’s you. Still, it shows a lack of consideration or being ok if you disappear.

When it’s not acceptable….

If you are living together, married, or in a serious exclusive relationship, he should not wake up one morning with all your stuff gone. That’s devastating and a cruel way to end something. Have a conversation in a kind and productive way. Leave the person better than you found them.

Bottom Line…..

Sometimes it is best to let things go. Picking up on cues is better than demanding closure. If someone is not contacting you, they are not interested. They met someone else or you got lost in the shuffle. If you haven’t faded or ghosted someone, it will happen eventually. Once you see it from the other side, you realize it was the kinder way out rather than explaining why you don’t like a person. Try to move on and live with an abundant mindset. It could sting if you really liked a person, but maybe the universe was sparing you from further heartbreak. We are all trying to find the best match for us without breaking too many hearts.

Wanting The Relationship To Evolve

It can be frustrating if you have great chemistry, he treats you well, yet he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. You begin to blame yourself and are convinced you are not girlfriend material. Most likely what happened was the relationship was rushed sexually and it became impossible to work backwards to get to know one another….

Can we avoid becoming casual in the first place?…..

How a relationship starts is so important! It’s easy to get in a pattern of going over to his place and hooking up. When you delay sex and insist of going on dates in public, you will avoid being stuck in limbo. It’s extremely hard to work backwards. If you already jumped the gun and slept together, see if he wants to scale things back. If he suggests dates in public and asks non-sexual questions about your life, you are on the right track.

You are always being tested…..

He might not have a clipboard on him, but he is constantly judging and testing you. When he brings you around his friends, that is the first test. Maybe you weren’t a great conversationalist with them and had your face in your phone.

What if you really catch feelings…..

If you are the type that gets easily attached to guys, then you need to pump the brakes at the beginning. Not every woman can do casual. Getting involved in an F-boy is the worst situation. Don’t accept bottom-of-the-barrel dates or send him nudes. Be firm about public dates. If he ghosts, then he was just after one thing. Get out sooner than later; he isn’t going to change his mind. You can waste years trying to impress a dude who doesn’t even know your college major.

Keep the “relationship” under wraps…..

The second you start talking to friends about how great he is, it will fall apart. Don’t glamorize or seek constant advice about him to your friends. Your bestie doesn’t want to see you hurt, however, her objections might “Romeo and Juliet” your attraction to him. Meaning, you will feel like it’s you and him against the world.

Can you turn it around and get serious?….

Hmmm….it’s hard. Men love murky and strive to be in a FWB situation for as long as you let him. He has probably put you in the hook-up bucket and cannot see you as more. If you don’t want to drop the hard ultimatum just yet, see what his actions are. Distance yourself a little and resist reaching out and texting. Pay attention to what he does on holidays and your birthday (if he even knows your birthday). He might be saying he wants to take you to a nice dinner, yet if you wind up only going to his place, then that was intentional. Actions speak louder than words in this case.

Keep dating people!….

Can’t stress this enough. A lot of the time a FWB will want to be exclusive. Yet it can be misinterpreted to mean boyfriend. It usually means he does not want you sleeping with other men. Do not agree to any form of exclusivity unless it is being boyfriend / girlfriend. In the meantime, keep going on dates, keep up with the apps. Don’t make him your entire world.

Bottom Line…..

If you are looking to get into a serious relationship, you have to do things differently. It involves patience and restraint. Resist having sex early on; it’s hard to work backwards to get to know a person. Don’t have the mindset, “whatever happens, happens.” You should be thinking of future consequences. Has a relationship ever formed based on a one-night stand?…sure, but you shouldn’t count on it happening and it’s not worth the risk. If you are just seeking casual and mean it, then great. You don’t have to force a casual guy to be your boyfriend. Just enjoy your time while you have it.

“I Am So Busy”…And Other Lies

There are a lot of women out there who claim to want 100 % honesty, saying she would rather hear a “yes” or “no” even after one date. As for me, I like to avoid pointless rejection. Self-awareness and looking for the signs make dating more humane. I don’t feel there needs to be a lot of over-correcting and explaining why a guy does not like you. He might not even know! Yet, knowing the implied “no thanks” helps to move on faster.

—Top Excuses He Can’t Hang Out—

“I am working”….

This is a classic. You can’t argue with work. Plus, it’s not like you are going to show up at his workplace to check on him ( I hope).

“My friend is in town”….

This excuse usually falls on a Saturday night. You might have had plans, then conveniently, his friend from out-of-town decided to visit. Does anyone have a spontaneous friend who shows up? Probably what happened is a girl he liked better became available.

“My phone died”….

Another classic. I feel this worked better ten-plus years ago. Our obsessions with our phones would never allow the battery to get to 15%.

” Just saw this message”…..

I mean if it’s on the apps, it could be true. Unless he does not have read-receipts on his phone, other ways to communicate will tell you.

“My roommate got locked out so I need to help him out”….

Any excuse that involves him being the hero will make you look like the bad person for wanting to hang out.

—-What are excuses he does not want to commit—-

“I need to focus on my career or school”….

A man will decide when he wants a girlfriend, versus a woman who will be willing to commit no matter what is happening in her life. He won’t seriously commit unless he is in a stable place in his career or financially.

“There is something missing”….

This is probably true. Chemistry is a real thing. But….probably the “something missing” is he does not see you as girlfriend material.

“I just got out of a relationship”…..

There are plenty of men who do back-to-back relationships. Most men don’t take a break in between exclusive relationships. Going on a solo trip in the woods to “find himself” rarely happens.

“I’m not ready for a relationship”….

With you….You might think you can just wait it out until he is ready. It means he is ok with hooking up, but doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.

Bottom Line…..

Yes, humans are complex and there might be uncertainty to a certain degree. And yes, he might actually be at work. I wouldn’t call a guy out for saying one time his friend is in town. Mainly, it is about consistency and a pattern. Is his phone always “dead”? Does he make an excuse and never reschedules? As far as he making a commitment, 9/10s it isn’t personal. He is trying to get to a good financial place or he just feels you wouldn’t fit into his world. Read between the lines and accept the polite “no thanks.”

The One Date Wonder

Casual daters usually go on one date, then move on to the next person. The majority of dates are just ok, not spectacular. Since we have so much choice with just a few swipes, there is more pressure on the first encounter. Most of the time, we are making a few mistakes that prevent us from moving to the next date or to be taken seriously. However, most one-date wonders are two people not on the same page about what they are looking for. Keep these things in mind and see if you are guilty of any of these first date no-nos….

Are your pictures on the app outdated?….

No one likes to be lied to, or cat-fished. “Kitten Fish” is a term used for people who use photos from a decade ago when they were thinner, had completely different hair, and younger. It is deceiving to your date and anyone will feel duped. Your photos on apps and even selfies on Instagram expire after two years. (Have head shots and body shots). If you get ghosted after every date, this could be the reason.

Are you going on marathon dates?….

If you are going to dinner, then seeing a band play, then karaoke, and finally a late-night snack, you are way overdoing it. A guy may have spent too much time and money to take you out again. You are probably telling your whole life story and all your baggage in one night. Keep dates to 2 hours tops if it is going well. (If he has traveled a distance for you then four hours is fine). Try to cut it off sooner than later; give him a reason to take you out again. In the movies, a couple will go on a marathon date and it seems fun, carefree, and romantic. Keep in mind it’s not fun to write a screenplay about a couple who went on a date for an hour.

Are you talking shop?….

If you are in similar field or work in the same department, it’s tempting to talk about work. You want to come off as smart and you spent a lot of money on education. You want to give out advice and before you know it, you have become business partners, not lovers.

Are you talking about past dates?….

We all know not to talk about the ex, but talking about past Tinder dates is rude, too. I have found if a guy brings up the apps, then he isn’t taking the date seriously and sees you as another swipe.

Are you getting drunk and going home with him?….

Sure, there have been tales and legends about how that one girl got married to the guy that she slept with after knowing him for ten minutes. Unfortunately, you can’t undo the situation. It attracts the guys who were looking for free sex for the night.

Are you listening to what he is telling you?….

Going back to the one-night stand thing, do you know what he is looking for? He probably already told you he is looking for a hookup, but you ignored it. If you didn’t follow though, then you will most likely be ghosted. Weed out these guys and go out with the ones that don’t lead with sex.

Are you just not that into him?…..

Sometimes, it’s not you. You can crack jokes all night and be as charismatic as possible. A first date is improv. If he isn’t “yes anding” you, then it makes it difficult to make a connection.

Bottom Line…..

A one-date wonder happens a lot regardless of your actions. There is so much choice and most people are not technically single. So, don’t beat yourself up. I am guilty of doing all these, some all in one date. Listen to what he is telling you before you decide to meet. Weed out the guys who say they want casual. Pace yourself and leave him wanting more; a long date is always regrettable and does not leave mystery. Remember that you are two strangers meeting, so it is rare that it will take off. The important thing is to know what you are getting into and to remember to have fun.

Can A Guy Really Be Out Of Your League?

In dating, attitude is everything! If you think every guy is “so out of your league,” first off, probably not true, but secondly, that attitude and mind-set hurts your self-worth. Every guy has a type, and you might be surprised what his type is. Men base chemistry on physical attraction, then figure out the rest later. Things that women worry about such as her job, living situation, and how many friends she has means very little to a guy. What really matters is if you are his type and your easy-going attitude…..

What if he is rich and you are poor?…..

Because of dating apps, different classes and cultures are in reach. It used to be that you had to be a part of his social circle. Having said that, it might not mean you will be accepted by his community. If you are able to adapt into his world, then it can work. A difference in upbringing isn’t always a deal breaker.

What if he is semi-famous or super-popular?….

A man like this has a lot of admirers and options. The important thing is not to act like a fan girl. If everyone is freaking out in his presence, then you should play it cool. See if he reaches out to you, just don’t neg him or use heavy sarcasm. A lot of girls make the mistake of acting too cool in front of him. Keep the middle road and be sweet, but not overly available and eager. There are countless examples of a celebrity with a “normal” person.

What if he speaks five languages and has three degrees?….

It is easy to feel intimidated by someone’s education and intelligence. Not every guy wants his equal. He might be exhausted by school or philosophical conversations. Sometimes, it is nice to relax and have fun with a person.

What if he is a model?….

Models are surprisingly insecure. You would think they would be the most confident people out there. Even if he looks like a model, he might feel that is all he has to offer. Most importantly, his type might surprise you. It’s not always the case, but a dude with an 8-pack might want a girl who isn’t obsessed with fitness.

What if he was married before?….

If you have never been married or in a serious relationship, you think he is judging you. However, he might feel relieved that you don’t have a baby-daddy or a toxic ex-husband.

What if he is younger / older?….

For the most part, men in their 20s worship women in their 30s and 40s. They appreciate their wisdom and chill attitude. Older men love younger women. If he is 40-plus, he will more so favor women in their 20s or early 30s. Don’t get too caught up with age. It might help you stand out.

Bottom Line….

Thinking a guy is out of your league is a defense mechanism. You want to put some blame on an outside factor. It really comes down to types and preferences. If he doesn’t approach you, it’s not because he thinks you are poor or a mere peasant in his presence. Keep in mind he wants to be with you for a reason; you add something to his life. A guy hanging out with a girl out of pity probably never happens. If he is pursuing you and making an effort, then accept that he likes you and just relax.

How To Disappear

A crush is called that for a reason…it’s crushing. Most of the time, we are prolonging the pain by putting the person in our face more than we need to. If you are trying to get over a crush, the best method is to disappear for as long as possible. I went thought this recently. My crush got a new girlfriend and paraded her around me. I mean…to be fair, he didn’t know I was going to be there. Anywho… any celebrity scandal is handled by hiding out and not making waves. Before you know it, you are over to the next drama and the sticky situation is forgotten. But how can you really go dark and preserve your emotional well-being? Here are a few don’ts to keep in mind if you are already in a spiral….

Don’t orbit him….

You can mute, block, unfollow, unsubscribe. Yes, you might fear this is showing your cards. Just think about your own well-being, not about upsetting a person who cares very little about how you feel. Out of sight, out of mind, is a true statement. You will be less tempted to send out that DM that he will leave on “seen.”

Don’t go where he will be….

You probably know his patterns, or where he will show up. It’s not a coincidence that you bumped into him. Resist starting drama by showing up there. If you get invited to a party or social gathering that he will be at, decline.

Don’t talk about him….

Your friends might be curious how you are and it does feel good to express how you feel and vent. After a certain point, you need to stop bringing him up. If friends ask about him, just say you want to move on and not talk about him anymore.

Don’t stalk his new girlfriend or talk shit about her….

Listen…he made his choice because he felt she was a better fit. She might be prettier, uglier, shorter, taller, than you…who cares? The flip side is not to be super-weird and try to befriend her and mean-girl her.

Don’t wallow too long….

Take a weekend off to do self-care. After you eat the pint of ice cream, accept dates again. However, keep the dates very toned-down with no agenda. Just meet new people and have light conversations.

Don’t go out all the time….

Now is not the time to fill the void with being overly social. Keep things low-key. You don’t want to be reckless and make poor decisions. Keep yourself busy with work or a passion project.

Don’t over-swipe….

As far as Tinder, stop swiping like a lunatic. Do the opposite and practice actually saying no to dates. It’s very empowering to decline a date that doesn’t suit you.

Don’t revenge date….

You aren’t going to show him how loved you are by how many dates you get. He doesn’t care. Never bring dates to a place where you know he will be. You will feel a wave of snubness, then a swift fade of regret when you see him literally not giving a rat’s ass.

Don’t waste your youth….

Listen… it sucks to be rejected. Maybe the saga of liking him lasted for months. He made his decision that you were not the right match. Life flies by fast. Do you want to spend it analyzing why a guy didn’t like you, or meet a better guy who cares about you?

Bottom Line…..

When you disappear you aren’t trying to get revenge, or trying to stick it to the person. Accept that he hurt you and now you need to put up walls to protect yourself. The quicker he is out of sight, the faster you can heal and move forward. Life moves on without you and that is actually a gift. What might seem unbearable at the moment will pass quicker than expected as long as you don’t allow it in your orbit.

The Plus-One

Any formal event you crave someone to be on your arm. Your inner insecurities would rather rush what you have rather than pacing it correctly. This is not the time to be in your masculine energy and be the puppet master. Just like saying “I love you,” it’s best to wait it out….

Don’t listen to your friends and family…..

Your mom is thrilled you have a boyfriend. Your friends want to judge him….both of these situations are not in your best interest. It affects them in no way if you bring him or not. Yet you might get dumped for rushing things.

You might have to foot the bill…..

When a guy is not invested, he will gladly take the free vacation. He will probably encourage you to pay for the weekend because he is the guest.

Remember how Big acted in Sex and the City?….

In the show, Carrie invites Big to a wedding. He acted totally bored and took a call during her poem. He couldn’t wait to leave. If you decide to do this, your guy might act like a child and whine until he can leave. It will be humiliating for him to represent you in front of family and friends.

People will ask you about the relationship…..

People will assume you are a long-term couple. They might ask how long you have been together. He might answer with, “we are just hanging out,” when you thought you were an official couple.

If he expected to be invited, then that’s great…..

Even if you get a plus-one, don’t invite him. If he feels offended that you did not invite him, then that’s a good sign. Still wait to be invited to one of his events first.

Are you actually a couple?….

It’s hard to know if you are official or not. You might act like his girlfriend, yet he sees you as a casual placeholder. Here are some signs he is taking it seriously.

He speaks in “we”- when we go on vacation, when we move in, when we meet my family

He posts you on Instagram without you asking – Your birthday has a pic of you two and a sweet caption, you are in his grid, not just a fleeting story

He insists you meet his friends and family – He will introduce you to the people in his life without resistance. The more people know you are a couple, the better.

He actually asks you to be his girlfriend – He doesn’t want a murky vague relationship with you. He also does not want you to be going on dates with other guys and lose you.

He invites you as his plus-one- You have been to a work function, his niece’s baptism, or any formal event where you had to wear a cocktail dress

Signs he will be a good plus-one…..

You might have gone to low-pressure events and noticed his actions. These type of events will give you a clue of how he will act at a formal event. If he is a hot mess at informal events, then he will not be a good plus-one

He can mingle- He doesn’t cling to you all night and whine about leaving

He knows how to have fun- he isn’t shy about hitting the dance floor and wants everyone else to have a good time

He doesn’t treat the open bar as a challenge- just because it’s free doesn’t mean he “needs to get his money’s worth”

He has manners- He doesn’t do an Irish goodbye; he makes sure to say hello and goodbye to people

He understands what dress codes mean- An invitation to a summer cocktail party? No problem, he has the blazer and nice shirt. He won’t show up in cargo shorts to a formal wedding

Bottom Line…..

Inviting him to an event is going public with your relationship. If you are not official in his eyes, it won’t go over well. When an event pops up and you need a plus-one, bring a friend or no one. You really need to wait this out; it upsets the power balance. Your friends might ask too many questions and make him feel he is in the hot seat. This is sort of why you need to keep the relationship under wraps for the first month or two. On the bright side, if he gets offended he didn’t get invited, then you are on the right track.

The Flirting Hour: Practicing Boundaries With Communication

There is a ton of misunderstanding about “playing hard to get.” Most people have the hardest time with this, saying it’s game playing. Honestly, you need to steer the ship because a guy will message you all day long if you let him, resulting in him getting bored and moving on. It’s crucial to control when to speak to men and to not let them monopolize your day…..

What is the flirting hour?…..

Pick a time when you are free and relaxed. It could be the afternoon, or in the evening while watching TV. Carve out that time and do not answer messages until then. It will make the conversation more lively and engaged instead of being distracted and with him constantly asking “WYD?”

Practice saying “TTYL”…..

It’s so hard to actually say this especially since we are surgically attached to our phones. However, it is important to actually say you are busy, even if it means you are taking a walk. It puts up boundaries that you aren’t available 24/7 to chat. Turn your phone on silent around bedtime. The witching hour will bring out guys sending “U up” texts.

Why is this important?….

The more you chat the less likely he will ask you out. He will be getting his emotional needs met and will feel no urgency to see you. This is when the pen pal situation happens.

You might lose interest….

A good match might be discarded because you talked him to death. There is such a thing as over-communicating in the early stages.

Turn off notifications in Tinder and Snapchat….

If you are constantly getting banner alerts on your phone, it’s impossible not to check. Turn off notifications and check at your convenience. Yes, you will get more messages at once, but that’s okay. You can tell your friends to text you instead of Snapchat. Men get pissed off if you open and ignore. Just wait until you are ready to have a conversation.

Some men are going to bail or get mad at you….

Having communication boundaries will make some men angry. The Snapchat boys will unfriend you or at worst huff and puff. I recently had a random guy quick add me on Snapchat from another country. I tried to keep up communication as politely as I could. Keep in mind he basically “cold called” me and expected me to swoon. His final message before unfriending me was saying I was selfish and he was not surprised I was alone….The needy casual guys are not willing to wait or chase you; they want it now or not at all.

Respond time when a crush texts you….

Ok…This is a controversial rule in the book, “The Rules.” The book says to wait a certain amount of time to respond to a first text, depending on your age. The oldest age range should wait four hours! I agree and disagree with this. I do think we give guys too much reassurance when we respond a minute later. Women think the longer you wait to respond the better. This is not true; responding days later kills the dating momentum and can backfire. If you wait an hour or so he might have an internal panic attack and that’s what you want. Guys have done this to me and I have gone though the five stages of grief until he responded an hour later. It’s a tactic that does work. So, try to wait until your TV show episode is over, or you finished eating dinner.

Get in the zone….

This is why you need to pick a time where you are relaxed. Sending messages throughout the workday will result in you complaining and telling him about office gossip he does not care about. Peel back the layer and get into a flirting energy. Your conversations will click better and result in more dates.

Bottom Line…..

Technology is great for connecting, yet we don’t realize how much of our free time we are giving up. It’s important to have time for yourself that does not involve entertaining other people. Even with friends and bosses it’s a good idea to put up boundaries or they will feel entitled to chat morning, noon, and night. Actually saying “TTYL” is a good start to let a person know you have boundaries. It does not mean you are finding a cure for cancer–you just feel like unplugging. Turn off notifications on Tinder and Snapchat and don’t open messages until you are ready. If you carve out a “flirting hour,” then you will be in a good zone to flirt which will result in more dates.

No Spark

In online dating you could have the best witty banter though messages, but when you meet in person it falls flat. I have been trying to figure out why. Is it because we have a different online persona? Are we more comfortable expressing ourselves behind a screen? The most likely answer is that you have an image in your head of what his mannerisms are, his tone of voice, and how he tells a joke. That’s one of the biggest disappointments in dating. You spend time getting ready and thought you would have chemistry, then…bam, no spark. It’s crucial to meet as soon as you can, mainly for momentum, but also so you aren’t creating a fantasy relationship that can never live up to your expectations….

If you know for sure you never want to see him again, what is the protocol?…..

Don’t do an Irish Goodbye- I had a date one time say he was going to the bathroom, then left without telling me. When ten minutes passed and he didn’t show up I first thought he fell in. Then I realized he had slipped out. I felt like an idiot.

Do stick it out for a while- You don’t have to commit all evening to a guy. However, if he isn’t saying offensive things or making you feel uncomfortable, then give it time. He could be awkward because he is nervous and not able to show his true personality.

Don’t explain you aren’t into him – It’s super rude to tell him you aren’t feeling it. You are not the “date dictator.” He might go on another date the next day and it goes amazing. Say it later on if he is persistent, but simply say, “I just didn’t feel the spark / vibe,” or “I just felt more of a friend vibe.” On the actual date it just seems rude for no reason. He did take time to shower and show up; cut him some slack.

Do say you have to go- My favorite excuse is work. No one can argue with it. The fake emergency thing is too well known so it doesn’t work anymore. I like to go to the bathroom and come back and say you got called into work earlier tomorrow than expected. Only do this if it’s excruciating to be there. If you can tolerate him, then running out the clock is easier in the long run.

What happens if he asks you on a second date?….

Ok, so sometimes this is just said out of politeness. In the 90s, guys would end every date saying, “I’ll call you.” It’s sort of like running into an old friend and ending the interaction with, “We should totally get brunch and catch up!” You won’t…I wouldn’t have a panic attack if he suggests a second date, they are so rare. Just go along with it, turn your cheek when he tries to kiss you and wave goodbye. More than likely he will be on another Tinder date the next night and you will be forgotten. If he really does try to schedule a second something then consider a second shot. If you cannot stand him then cut it off politely now saying, “It was great meeting, but you felt more of a friend vibe.” And wish him the best.

Sometimes he is not into you! Here are some signs that he wasn’t feeling it….

He keeps the date short- If he needs to leave, or “wake up early” it’s not a great sign. Men will always skip sleep if he is into a girl.

He doesn’t ask for your contact information after the date- If you are still talking though Tinder and haven’t exchanged numbers, then beware.

He doesn’t ask for a second date- In modern dating men don’t waste time planning the next date.

He leaves saying, “It was great to meet you, or it was great to have met you.”- The more polite he is at the end of the date the less he is into you. The word “met” is important because it keeps you in the past not the future.

There was no kiss- A kiss is a great innocent way to see if there is a spark. If he doesn’t want to find out, it’s a bad sign. If you didn’t have a moment where you could kiss, he will text you to say he was bummed he didn’t get to kiss you.

He insisted on going Dutch- If he refuses to pay for one measly drink, then he isn’t into you. A date is an investment to guys. If he feels you aren’t worth the investment, then he won’t spend a dime on you. Same thing for Venmo request after the date.

It’s pretty rare to have an intense mutual attraction….

Most dates are going to be neutral. You don’t hate talking to him, but you also aren’t falling in love at first sight. This is why it’s not a terrible idea to do a second date if he asks. Although don’t accept a second date at his place. Still insist on meeting in public. Guys will sleep with women they are not attracted to, so it’s not a compliment if he invites you over. Having true chemistry is something that cannot be explained by science. You will know if you are attracted to someone in the first five minutes. Sadly, it might not be mutual. If you do have a strong connection, then don’t take it for granted.

Some guys are hard to get to know….

A healthy relationship is actually “boring” to the naked eye. You might not want to make passionate love immediately to a nice stable guy. The nice dentist who is super sweet might not give off sexual bad boy vibes, but could make an amazing long-term partner. Going into every date thinking there should be explosive chemistry will probably not happen.

You aren’t going to have control over everything….

You can’t predict if you hit it off or not. Don’t invest too much emotional energy on a guy you haven’t met. The sooner you meet the better. You might have the best online chemistry and the offline he is a completely different person. Also, it’s easy to have a “ghost writer” ( a friend who helps you flirt and write texts).

Get out immediately if…..

Negging- If he is making fun of you or your interests.

Getting into a political argument- Especially in this tense climate it’s not worth it.

He’s married ( not in an open arrangement) – Don’t let him talk you into cheating on his wife.

He admits he wants to make his ex jealous- And she is sitting right over there…

He is rude to the bartender or server- If he is rude to strangers, that’s his default personality.

He is trying to con you- If he is telling a sob story and asking how much money you make…run!

Bottom Line…..

Remember to give a guy a chance if you can tell he is nervous, and know when it’s just a terrible date. Sometimes it does take a guy time to warm up. So if he isn’t making fun of your outfit and refusing to buy you a drink, then give him another shot. Some of my dates have actually turned into friendships or at least texting buddies. It’s easier to connect in a platonic way. Sometimes it’s better to just expand your social network that can lead to an introduction down the line, or set him up with one of your girlfriends. Chemistry is rare and doesn’t come along that often. If you have found someone who you are actually into and he feels the same, don’t take it for granted.

What Is The Definition Of A Date?

In the book, “The Rules,” women are encouraged to get asked by Wednesday for a Saturday-night date. Three days out is best versus a week. The further away the date, the more likely he will forget he asked, or he will put it off to blow you off later. Sometimes there is confusion in knowing if you are actually going on a real date. In our casual dating world, men like to dip their toe and not fully commit to a date. If you are holding out for your crush to ask you out, don’t fall for a semi-date, but hold out for the real thing…..

Should you be asked for a date in advance?….

Yes. There needs to be planning involved. Matching on Tinder, then asking if you are free that night is very presumptuous that you don’t already have plans. Even if you don’t, it’s best to create the illusion of a full life. It can also be that his original plan fell though so he is sifting though Snapchat.

Day dates are more likely filler dates….

If it’s Tuesday at 1pm, it seems like he just wants someone to grab lunch with him. Any day-date, besides a fun planned-out activity, means he isn’t taking the date seriously.

Late night is also bad….

Even if he says he is working and gets off at 11pm…No….He has a day off, he just doesn’t want to waste it on you. Late night is he just wanting to hook up.

“I’m only in town for the weekend–you should show me around”….

I mean, sometimes it can take the pressure off since you know it won’t go anywhere. Just know that before you agree. It could be a fun experience….or…plot-twist, he does live in your town– he just pretends to be an out-of-towner for a one-night stand.

“I’m out with friends, you should meet up”….

Decline this every time. Lazy lazy lazy. Don’t bother slapping on makeup and leaving your house for this. More than likely you are the only girl that replied.

Speaking of friends….

Don’t agree to a group date unless you are an exclusive couple or his friends happen to be at your date location. It’s awkward to meet ten strangers and you won’t get a chance to talk. Another example is inviting you to a party.

Inviting you to see his band play or improv night…..

You don’t know if he asked ten people to just get bodies in the room. I have done this too often, thinking it’s a legit date. Sure, he might chat with you before or after the show, but it certainly isn’t a date and you are the clown in the audience.

“Just come to my place”…..

A lot of young guys or college students do this a lot. Besides the fact that it’s unsafe, it’s also rude and lazy. He does not care about impressing you or wants to waste money.

What is a real date?….

A first date doesn’t need to be complicated. However, there should be some planning involved. He should know a great place to take you without a ton of distractions. A date is just the two of you, no one should be tagging along, or you being in a crowd watching him perform. It doesn’t mean it should be an 8-hour date for it to be legit. Just a 2-hour max if it is going well, which can mean one location change is ideal. In reality-TV there are helicopters and zip-lining….The real world is less complicated. Be in an environment where you are comfortable and can build attraction.

Bottom Line…..

Turning down dates might feel like you are rejecting someone for no real reason. Try to think long-term and how you feel. A date should be him trying to impress you. If it’s someone that you have a huge crush on, then be firm about wanting a real date. By being firm I mean to decline dates that aren’t actual dates. If he likes you, he will keep trying until he gets it right. You don’t have to be rude and explain things to him. Simply saying, “Oh, I wish I could, but I have plans for tonight.” Don’t be the last-minute girl; be the original plan.