You will frequently hear at the brunch table that the villain of the story is the “ghoster”……”Why couldn’t he just be an adult and tell me he didn’t like me?!” I have been in situations where I did say politely that I wasn’t interested and made it perfectly clear. My answer was not accepted and it encouraged men to keep chasing. When someone is at a point of ghosting, usually the person on the other end did not pick up on the signs. Women tend to over-communicate in the early stages and tend to be outcome-based. Is ghosting the kinder way out or is it a lack of maturity?….
What is “ghosting” technically?….
A lot of people claim they were ghosted when in reality they were not. True ghosting is when someone asked a question and the other person did not respond, leaving you on “read” or “seen.” Making statements to people don’t require a response. (“I saw a cat today,” “hope you are well,” “I ate all the bread sticks at Olive Garden.”) More than likely the conversation ended naturally. Some people are very technical in conversations. Some say, “TTYL,” “goodnight,” “I will text you tomorrow.” Not everyone does this so it’s helpful to pick up on cues that the chat has wrapped up. A bad texter is usually an excuse, yet it does happen from time to time. See if he is trying to keep seeing you in person.
When should you ghost?….
If you have to give a clear message and they have not accepted you politely declining. Sometimes rejection falls on deaf ears. And yet, if we continue to speak to them, we are “leading them on.” If you have made it clear and have said you are not interested, it’s time to ghost. Especially, if he is an unstable guy who would get furious and retaliate if rejected.
The fade out….
Social intelligence is everything with dating. If you do not hear from a guy after a date….there you go. Matching his energy is your safest bet. If he is ok with being forgotten or you moving on quickly, he isn’t interested in keeping you around.
Cutting people off virtually….
As a baby step, you can mute on Instagram. It will make it more difficult to stalk, and out-of-sight, out-of-mind is a real thing. Our attention span is extremely short and we can move on quicker if it’s not in our face. If you feel blocking would cause too much anxiety of the unknown, then start with this step.
It’s not personal….
9/10 ghosting has nothing to do with you. Most likely, it is a volume issue and you got lost in the shuffle. Or you did not get the memo he is not interested. These days people can get turned off for no significant reason. Although, if every single date ghosts, then it’s time to get reflective on your behavior on dates.
If there is hesitation, rearranging, or something came up…..
Ghosting doesn’t happen off the bat. There are a few signs before it. If communication changes, if he has to postpone the date, or if something miraculously came up, he wants out. Again, it doesn’t always mean it’s you. Still, it shows a lack of consideration or being ok if you disappear.
When it’s not acceptable….
If you are living together, married, or in a serious exclusive relationship, he should not wake up one morning with all your stuff gone. That’s devastating and a cruel way to end something. Have a conversation in a kind and productive way. Leave the person better than you found them.
Sometimes it is best to let things go. Picking up on cues is better than demanding closure. If someone is not contacting you, they are not interested. They met someone else or you got lost in the shuffle. If you haven’t faded or ghosted someone, it will happen eventually. Once you see it from the other side, you realize it was the kinder way out rather than explaining why you don’t like a person. Try to move on and live with an abundant mindset. It could sting if you really liked a person, but maybe the universe was sparing you from further heartbreak. We are all trying to find the best match for us without breaking too many hearts.