No Spark

In online dating you could have the best witty banter though messages, but when you meet in person it falls flat. I have been trying to figure out why. Is it because we have a different online persona? Are we more comfortable expressing ourselves behind a screen? The most likely answer is that you have an image in your head of what his mannerisms are, his tone of voice, and how he tells a joke. That’s one of the biggest disappointments in dating. You spend time getting ready and thought you would have chemistry, then…bam, no spark. It’s crucial to meet as soon as you can, mainly for momentum, but also so you aren’t creating a fantasy relationship that can never live up to your expectations….

If you know for sure you never want to see him again, what is the protocol?…..

Don’t do an Irish Goodbye- I had a date one time say he was going to the bathroom, then left without telling me. When ten minutes passed and he didn’t show up I first thought he fell in. Then I realized he had slipped out. I felt like an idiot.

Do stick it out for a while- You don’t have to commit all evening to a guy. However, if he isn’t saying offensive things or making you feel uncomfortable, then give it time. He could be awkward because he is nervous and not able to show his true personality.

Don’t explain you aren’t into him – It’s super rude to tell him you aren’t feeling it. You are not the “date dictator.” He might go on another date the next day and it goes amazing. Say it later on if he is persistent, but simply say, “I just didn’t feel the spark / vibe,” or “I just felt more of a friend vibe.” On the actual date it just seems rude for no reason. He did take time to shower and show up; cut him some slack.

Do say you have to go- My favorite excuse is work. No one can argue with it. The fake emergency thing is too well known so it doesn’t work anymore. I like to go to the bathroom and come back and say you got called into work earlier tomorrow than expected. Only do this if it’s excruciating to be there. If you can tolerate him, then running out the clock is easier in the long run.

What happens if he asks you on a second date?….

Ok, so sometimes this is just said out of politeness. In the 90s, guys would end every date saying, “I’ll call you.” It’s sort of like running into an old friend and ending the interaction with, “We should totally get brunch and catch up!” You won’t…I wouldn’t have a panic attack if he suggests a second date, they are so rare. Just go along with it, turn your cheek when he tries to kiss you and wave goodbye. More than likely he will be on another Tinder date the next night and you will be forgotten. If he really does try to schedule a second something then consider a second shot. If you cannot stand him then cut it off politely now saying, “It was great meeting, but you felt more of a friend vibe.” And wish him the best.

Sometimes he is not into you! Here are some signs that he wasn’t feeling it….

He keeps the date short- If he needs to leave, or “wake up early” it’s not a great sign. Men will always skip sleep if he is into a girl.

He doesn’t ask for your contact information after the date- If you are still talking though Tinder and haven’t exchanged numbers, then beware.

He doesn’t ask for a second date- In modern dating men don’t waste time planning the next date.

He leaves saying, “It was great to meet you, or it was great to have met you.”- The more polite he is at the end of the date the less he is into you. The word “met” is important because it keeps you in the past not the future.

There was no kiss- A kiss is a great innocent way to see if there is a spark. If he doesn’t want to find out, it’s a bad sign. If you didn’t have a moment where you could kiss, he will text you to say he was bummed he didn’t get to kiss you.

He insisted on going Dutch- If he refuses to pay for one measly drink, then he isn’t into you. A date is an investment to guys. If he feels you aren’t worth the investment, then he won’t spend a dime on you. Same thing for Venmo request after the date.

It’s pretty rare to have an intense mutual attraction….

Most dates are going to be neutral. You don’t hate talking to him, but you also aren’t falling in love at first sight. This is why it’s not a terrible idea to do a second date if he asks. Although don’t accept a second date at his place. Still insist on meeting in public. Guys will sleep with women they are not attracted to, so it’s not a compliment if he invites you over. Having true chemistry is something that cannot be explained by science. You will know if you are attracted to someone in the first five minutes. Sadly, it might not be mutual. If you do have a strong connection, then don’t take it for granted.

Some guys are hard to get to know….

A healthy relationship is actually “boring” to the naked eye. You might not want to make passionate love immediately to a nice stable guy. The nice dentist who is super sweet might not give off sexual bad boy vibes, but could make an amazing long-term partner. Going into every date thinking there should be explosive chemistry will probably not happen.

You aren’t going to have control over everything….

You can’t predict if you hit it off or not. Don’t invest too much emotional energy on a guy you haven’t met. The sooner you meet the better. You might have the best online chemistry and the offline he is a completely different person. Also, it’s easy to have a “ghost writer” ( a friend who helps you flirt and write texts).

Get out immediately if…..

Negging- If he is making fun of you or your interests.

Getting into a political argument- Especially in this tense climate it’s not worth it.

He’s married ( not in an open arrangement) – Don’t let him talk you into cheating on his wife.

He admits he wants to make his ex jealous- And she is sitting right over there…

He is rude to the bartender or server- If he is rude to strangers, that’s his default personality.

He is trying to con you- If he is telling a sob story and asking how much money you make…run!

Bottom Line…..

Remember to give a guy a chance if you can tell he is nervous, and know when it’s just a terrible date. Sometimes it does take a guy time to warm up. So if he isn’t making fun of your outfit and refusing to buy you a drink, then give him another shot. Some of my dates have actually turned into friendships or at least texting buddies. It’s easier to connect in a platonic way. Sometimes it’s better to just expand your social network that can lead to an introduction down the line, or set him up with one of your girlfriends. Chemistry is rare and doesn’t come along that often. If you have found someone who you are actually into and he feels the same, don’t take it for granted.