In dating, attitude is everything! If you think every guy is “so out of your league,” first off, probably not true, but secondly, that attitude and mind-set hurts your self-worth. Every guy has a type, and you might be surprised what his type is. Men base chemistry on physical attraction, then figure out the rest later. Things that women worry about such as her job, living situation, and how many friends she has means very little to a guy. What really matters is if you are his type and your easy-going attitude…..
What if he is rich and you are poor?…..
Because of dating apps, different classes and cultures are in reach. It used to be that you had to be a part of his social circle. Having said that, it might not mean you will be accepted by his community. If you are able to adapt into his world, then it can work. A difference in upbringing isn’t always a deal breaker.
What if he is semi-famous or super-popular?….
A man like this has a lot of admirers and options. The important thing is not to act like a fan girl. If everyone is freaking out in his presence, then you should play it cool. See if he reaches out to you, just don’t neg him or use heavy sarcasm. A lot of girls make the mistake of acting too cool in front of him. Keep the middle road and be sweet, but not overly available and eager. There are countless examples of a celebrity with a “normal” person.
What if he speaks five languages and has three degrees?….
It is easy to feel intimidated by someone’s education and intelligence. Not every guy wants his equal. He might be exhausted by school or philosophical conversations. Sometimes, it is nice to relax and have fun with a person.
What if he is a model?….
Models are surprisingly insecure. You would think they would be the most confident people out there. Even if he looks like a model, he might feel that is all he has to offer. Most importantly, his type might surprise you. It’s not always the case, but a dude with an 8-pack might want a girl who isn’t obsessed with fitness.
What if he was married before?….
If you have never been married or in a serious relationship, you think he is judging you. However, he might feel relieved that you don’t have a baby-daddy or a toxic ex-husband.
What if he is younger / older?….
For the most part, men in their 20s worship women in their 30s and 40s. They appreciate their wisdom and chill attitude. Older men love younger women. If he is 40-plus, he will more so favor women in their 20s or early 30s. Don’t get too caught up with age. It might help you stand out.
Bottom Line….
Thinking a guy is out of your league is a defense mechanism. You want to put some blame on an outside factor. It really comes down to types and preferences. If he doesn’t approach you, it’s not because he thinks you are poor or a mere peasant in his presence. Keep in mind he wants to be with you for a reason; you add something to his life. A guy hanging out with a girl out of pity probably never happens. If he is pursuing you and making an effort, then accept that he likes you and just relax.
A crush is called that for a reason…it’s crushing. Most of the time, we are prolonging the pain by putting the person in our face more than we need to. If you are trying to get over a crush, the best method is to disappear for as long as possible. I went thought this recently. My crush got a new girlfriend and paraded her around me. I mean…to be fair, he didn’t know I was going to be there. Anywho… any celebrity scandal is handled by hiding out and not making waves. Before you know it, you are over to the next drama and the sticky situation is forgotten. But how can you really go dark and preserve your emotional well-being? Here are a few don’ts to keep in mind if you are already in a spiral….
Don’t orbit him….
You can mute, block, unfollow, unsubscribe. Yes, you might fear this is showing your cards. Just think about your own well-being, not about upsetting a person who cares very little about how you feel. Out of sight, out of mind, is a true statement. You will be less tempted to send out that DM that he will leave on “seen.”
Don’t go where he will be….
You probably know his patterns, or where he will show up. It’s not a coincidence that you bumped into him. Resist starting drama by showing up there. If you get invited to a party or social gathering that he will be at, decline.
Don’t talk about him….
Your friends might be curious how you are and it does feel good to express how you feel and vent. After a certain point, you need to stop bringing him up. If friends ask about him, just say you want to move on and not talk about him anymore.
Don’t stalk his new girlfriend or talk shit about her….
Listen…he made his choice because he felt she was a better fit. She might be prettier, uglier, shorter, taller, than you…who cares? The flip side is not to be super-weird and try to befriend her and mean-girl her.
Don’t wallow too long….
Take a weekend off to do self-care. After you eat the pint of ice cream, accept dates again. However, keep the dates very toned-down with no agenda. Just meet new people and have light conversations.
Don’t go out all the time….
Now is not the time to fill the void with being overly social. Keep things low-key. You don’t want to be reckless and make poor decisions. Keep yourself busy with work or a passion project.
Don’t over-swipe….
As far as Tinder, stop swiping like a lunatic. Do the opposite and practice actually saying no to dates. It’s very empowering to decline a date that doesn’t suit you.
Don’t revenge date….
You aren’t going to show him how loved you are by how many dates you get. He doesn’t care. Never bring dates to a place where you know he will be. You will feel a wave of snubness, then a swift fade of regret when you see him literally not giving a rat’s ass.
Don’t waste your youth….
Listen… it sucks to be rejected. Maybe the saga of liking him lasted for months. He made his decision that you were not the right match. Life flies by fast. Do you want to spend it analyzing why a guy didn’t like you, or meet a better guy who cares about you?
Bottom Line…..
When you disappear you aren’t trying to get revenge, or trying to stick it to the person. Accept that he hurt you and now you need to put up walls to protect yourself. The quicker he is out of sight, the faster you can heal and move forward. Life moves on without you and that is actually a gift. What might seem unbearable at the moment will pass quicker than expected as long as you don’t allow it in your orbit.
Consistency is the biggest sign a guy likes you. Most signals get crossed when it’s an unbalanced dynamic. If it’s a situationship or very casual, you will probably be confused. Some casual relationships can feel like a real thing. You might meet friends or even family! If you hate analyzing text messages, then getting into anything murky might not be in your best interest. Mixed signals keep you on the hook and can drag you along in a relationship for way too long. What are some common mixed signals to look out for?…..
Are there really mixed signals or is it a long way to say no?…..
I don’t believe in mixed signals. To avoid a lot of drama and stress, just assume mixed signals mean he isn’t into you. Sure, there are gray areas like he is a commitaphobe. However, you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. If you are brave enough to send out that text or DM, so can he.
He texts you inconsistently….
Consistency is a huge sign he wants to be a part of your life. You should be hearing from him often and he should be planning the next date or figuring out when he can see you. If he texts randomly at 11pm, it’s a bad sign. If he isn’t worried that you could be snatched up by another guy, then he isn’t afraid to lose you.
He acts excited to see you through text…then you show up and he acts bored….
All of a sudden, he begs you to come over. You finally throw on some clothes and eyeliner and show up. Then he acts bored and distracted and pays little attention to you. In this case, he probably wanted a quick hook up and you overstayed your welcome or his original plans fell though so he reached out to you.
Were you the leader of the relationship….
If you are the one texting and keeping up communication, then you will be excited he is answering at all. You may notice that he does not text you and I would test this by pulling back. Men don’t always have the energy to chase women; when a free meal comes his way, he will take it. However, when pressed to commit he will eventually drop the ball.
Mixed signals are people only noticing the positive things and ignoring the glaring negative signs….
If you are super into a guy and the pursuer, then you will take any win. You will jump up and down when he returns a text after three days of ignoring you. You view things in black-and-white, “well…he didn’t block me or tell me to stop texting.” It’s much easier to just answer rather than putting up resistance and starting a fight.
Men can compartmentalize…
A man lives in a gray scale with women. One might be the cool chick he takes to concerts, another might be the fun party girl, and there is always the good-listener girl whom he can count on when he is bummed.
Is he fresh out of a break up, did he just get evicted, or anything dramatic?….
He can name any excuse and women’s heartstrings will be pulled. If he is in a rough patch, he can always use that as an excuse to pick and choose what he wants to do. If it gets to be too much, he has a built-in excuse that he is not ready. He is just wanting you on his timetable while he is still looking.
He asked you on a date, then he flaked….
Any sort of change of plans is a warning sign. Even if it’s delayed an hour. It shows he is regretful he set up the date, but doesn’t want to be the bad guy by calling off the date completely. Most recently I had a date “run out the clock.” He kept saying he was stuck in traffic, then he was hungry, and so on. I had to be the one to call it off after he stood me up.
Bottom Line….
Sit back and see how often he is trying to contact you. This is why it’s best to leave the date-planning up to him. He needs to making a clear effort. Inconsistency is usually a “no” in the long term. He might be going hot and cold with you because he can’t hang out with his original girl. See what time of day he wants to hang out and how many days he asks to plan a date. You have to look at his actions from a logical standpoint. He could do one nice thing and then the rest of the time he treats you like an after- thought. Look at the whole picture, not the rare positive gestures.
There is a ton of misunderstanding about “playing hard to get.” Most people have the hardest time with this, saying it’s game playing. Honestly, you need to steer the ship because a guy will message you all day long if you let him, resulting in him getting bored and moving on. It’s crucial to control when to speak to men and to not let them monopolize your day…..
What is the flirting hour?…..
Pick a time when you are free and relaxed. It could be the afternoon, or in the evening while watching TV. Carve out that time and do not answer messages until then. It will make the conversation more lively and engaged instead of being distracted and with him constantly asking “WYD?”
Practice saying “TTYL”…..
It’s so hard to actually say this especially since we are surgically attached to our phones. However, it is important to actually say you are busy, even if it means you are taking a walk. It puts up boundaries that you aren’t available 24/7 to chat. Turn your phone on silent around bedtime. The witching hour will bring out guys sending “U up” texts.
Why is this important?….
The more you chat the less likely he will ask you out. He will be getting his emotional needs met and will feel no urgency to see you. This is when the pen pal situation happens.
You might lose interest….
A good match might be discarded because you talked him to death. There is such a thing as over-communicating in the early stages.
Turn off notifications in Tinder and Snapchat….
If you are constantly getting banner alerts on your phone, it’s impossible not to check. Turn off notifications and check at your convenience. Yes, you will get more messages at once, but that’s okay. You can tell your friends to text you instead of Snapchat. Men get pissed off if you open and ignore. Just wait until you are ready to have a conversation.
Some men are going to bail or get mad at you….
Having communication boundaries will make some men angry. The Snapchat boys will unfriend you or at worst huff and puff. I recently had a random guy quick add me on Snapchat from another country. I tried to keep up communication as politely as I could. Keep in mind he basically “cold called” me and expected me to swoon. His final message before unfriending me was saying I was selfish and he was not surprised I was alone….The needy casual guys are not willing to wait or chase you; they want it now or not at all.
Respond time when a crush texts you….
Ok…This is a controversial rule in the book, “The Rules.” The book says to wait a certain amount of time to respond to a first text, depending on your age. The oldest age range should wait four hours! I agree and disagree with this. I do think we give guys too much reassurance when we respond a minute later. Women think the longer you wait to respond the better. This is not true; responding days later kills the dating momentum and can backfire. If you wait an hour or so he might have an internal panic attack and that’s what you want. Guys have done this to me and I have gone though the five stages of grief until he responded an hour later. It’s a tactic that does work. So, try to wait until your TV show episode is over, or you finished eating dinner.
Get in the zone….
This is why you need to pick a time where you are relaxed. Sending messages throughout the workday will result in you complaining and telling him about office gossip he does not care about. Peel back the layer and get into a flirting energy. Your conversations will click better and result in more dates.
Bottom Line…..
Technology is great for connecting, yet we don’t realize how much of our free time we are giving up. It’s important to have time for yourself that does not involve entertaining other people. Even with friends and bosses it’s a good idea to put up boundaries or they will feel entitled to chat morning, noon, and night. Actually saying “TTYL” is a good start to let a person know you have boundaries. It does not mean you are finding a cure for cancer–you just feel like unplugging. Turn off notifications on Tinder and Snapchat and don’t open messages until you are ready. If you carve out a “flirting hour,” then you will be in a good zone to flirt which will result in more dates.
Meeting his friends can happen in an exclusive relationship and even in casual. Either way, it is a test to see if you could possibly fit into his world. Unfortunately, you might not get a formal warning that you will meet a friend or two. Like a health inspector, the situation will happen when you least expect it. It’s best to be mentally prepared and on your toes for when it pops up…..
Running into a friend while out….
This is the first level of meeting a friend: running into one while out in public. Your instincts might be to hang back, let them chat for a minute, and check your phone. If he doesn’t introduce you, then do it yourself. Acknowledge the awkwardness and smile and say your name.
A friend unexpectedly shows up…..
Talk to the friend and acknowledge they are there. Be engaged and ask questions. This person needs to see you as bubbly and friendly. You don’t know if this is the best friend or bar friend, either way, act alive and be awake.
Keep it light….
When you do chat with a friend, keep it surface-level. Introverts have a hard time with small talk. They would rather talk about trauma and their biggest fears to a stranger than discussing the weather patterns. If you have an issue with light chitchat, look up stock questions and have a mini-script.
If you meet a whole group, you will have to work harder….
This is a tough situation…. who do you talk to? Your boyfriend or casual guy will not help you out. He is seeing how well you adapt in a social setting and how you vibe naturally. There might be multiple conversations happening at once. Talk to the person closest to you for several minutes, then float around. Even if the conversation isn’t riveting, he needs to see you engaging.
Don’t cling to your boyfriend…..
It’s tempting to hide behind your man like a child hiding behind their mom’s leg at the grocery store. You might physically cling to him. Don’t do this. You’ll look insecure and it might seem alarming to him that you can’t talk to a stranger.
Don’t ask to leave early….
Nothing is worse than saying, “Hey babe, can we leave?” (Never ride together–have your own transportation in any social setting). Either way, you saying you are sick with a headache won’t win you brownie points. Stick it out and show him you can hang.
Do something impressive….
If you are in a big group, it’s hard to stand out. Our social lives will soon be opening up. More and more people will want to do fun activities. Do something brave: sing karaoke, be the first on the dance floor, nail it at trivia.
Make sure everyone knows your name….
Nothing is worse than meeting a guy multiple times and he saying, “Hi! I’m Mark, it’s nice to meet you!”…. (Yes, Mark, we have met many, many times!) This is why you need to make a point to introduce yourself to as many people as you can. Also…if your name is complicated or hard to pronounce or remember, consider going by a nickname or middle name.
What if his friends aren’t party animals?….
It’s easier to party with the party friends. If his friends would rather play “Dungeons and Dragons,” it’s harder to stand out. (Plus all of them will be introverts). You might be off the hook if he would rather have the game night with his friends. You can suggest just meeting for dinner or drinks. However, if he does ask you to come over for game night, agree and make the most of it. It’s one evening and you will survive.
Why it’s important to win his friends over….
If done right, these people might make a casual situation to a committed one. His friends have so much influence over his decisions. If they aren’t feeling your “vibe,” it could cause him to fade you out.
Bottom Line…..
Meeting his friends should not be treated lightly. It is a setup to see if you can possibly be in his world. If you blow it by ignoring everyone and asking to leave early, then that’s on you. You need to get these people on your side. Be the bubbly girl who likes to have fun. You might be in a situation where you don’t shine. You have to adapt to the situation and make the most of it. As long as you are staying engaged with everyone, you will be golden.
Giving your number to a guy should be thought out. A lot of the time it’s a regretful decision when he texts you too often, or not at all. I put guys into different categories and I direct them to the right stream of communication. ( “For casual press 1, for dating press 2”). Some men have no intention of using your number. He loves to collect numbers to brag to his bros. It gets frustrating when you receive a text months later and he expects you to know who he is. He needs to earn a spot in your contact list….
Only give out your number to guys you really really like…..
These are high stakes guys. You have probably had a crush on this guy for a while. If you really like him, give him your number (if he asks). Just don’t save the number in your phone. I like to do a cheat sheet in my notes and have half the number so I can recognize it. Not everyone needs to do this. I have no self- control when I like a guy; I will reach out for no reason, too often. Try to prevent yourself from giving out social media. It’s too tempting to send a DM late at night or to orbit him. If he asks for Snapchat, understand that he probably just wants casual.
What form of communication means it’s more serious?….
The good old-fashioned text message. I mean, if he is calling you, then congrats. If he is weaving though social media or keeping it in Tinder, it’s not good. A guy who has your number saved and only uses that form of communication views you as dating potential.
Did he actually ask for your number?….
As a rule of thumb, I advise to never ask for his number or to give yours out. He needs to make the step to ask. There are some guys who are on Tinder and their first message is saying, “heyyyy,” and giving out their number. If he just gives out his number, do not take it seriously. He needs to chat for a bit, suggest hanging out, then ask for your number.
If he is already asking you sexual questions….
If he comes in hot with the sexual energy, then he will just ask for Snapchat. It’s up to you if you want to take him seriously. You can always direct him to Snapchat.
If he doesn’t ask for follow up ways to contact you….
If you are going on a date and you are still chatting in Tinder, then beware. He intentionally did not ask for follow up ways to contact you. He can always blame the app for being buggy or that he doesn’t check it that often.
You aren’t required to give out your number to whoever asks…..
There are guys who collect numbers. You will hear from them months later and have to recall who they are. If a guy in person asks you for a number at a bar, this is probably his move. Trust your gut and give it out to guys you actually see dating potential.
Bottom Line…..
Getting into your contact list should be difficult. You don’t know if this guy will text you morning, noon, and night, or not at all. Only let a guy you really like have your number. You can keep a cheat sheet in your notes so you aren’t tempted to reach out. You might be in a situation where your friends are too encouraging for you to make a move. If you are feeling a casual vibe from a guy, you can direct him to Snapchat and decide where to go from there. A guy who sees you as dating material will use your number to communicate.
In online dating you could have the best witty banter though messages, but when you meet in person it falls flat. I have been trying to figure out why. Is it because we have a different online persona? Are we more comfortable expressing ourselves behind a screen? The most likely answer is that you have an image in your head of what his mannerisms are, his tone of voice, and how he tells a joke. That’s one of the biggest disappointments in dating. You spend time getting ready and thought you would have chemistry, then…bam, no spark. It’s crucial to meet as soon as you can, mainly for momentum, but also so you aren’t creating a fantasy relationship that can never live up to your expectations….
If you know for sure you never want to see him again, what is the protocol?…..
Don’t do an Irish Goodbye- I had a date one time say he was going to the bathroom, then left without telling me. When ten minutes passed and he didn’t show up I first thought he fell in. Then I realized he had slipped out. I felt like an idiot.
Do stick it out for a while- You don’t have to commit all evening to a guy. However, if he isn’t saying offensive things or making you feel uncomfortable, then give it time. He could be awkward because he is nervous and not able to show his true personality.
Don’t explain you aren’t into him – It’s super rude to tell him you aren’t feeling it. You are not the “date dictator.” He might go on another date the next day and it goes amazing. Say it later on if he is persistent, but simply say, “I just didn’t feel the spark / vibe,” or “I just felt more of a friend vibe.” On the actual date it just seems rude for no reason. He did take time to shower and show up; cut him some slack.
Do say you have to go- My favorite excuse is work. No one can argue with it. The fake emergency thing is too well known so it doesn’t work anymore. I like to go to the bathroom and come back and say you got called into work earlier tomorrow than expected. Only do this if it’s excruciating to be there. If you can tolerate him, then running out the clock is easier in the long run.
What happens if he asks you on a second date?….
Ok, so sometimes this is just said out of politeness. In the 90s, guys would end every date saying, “I’ll call you.” It’s sort of like running into an old friend and ending the interaction with, “We should totally get brunch and catch up!” You won’t…I wouldn’t have a panic attack if he suggests a second date, they are so rare. Just go along with it, turn your cheek when he tries to kiss you and wave goodbye. More than likely he will be on another Tinder date the next night and you will be forgotten. If he really does try to schedule a second something then consider a second shot. If you cannot stand him then cut it off politely now saying, “It was great meeting, but you felt more of a friend vibe.” And wish him the best.
Sometimes he is not into you! Here are some signs that he wasn’t feeling it….
He keeps the date short- If he needs to leave, or “wake up early” it’s not a great sign. Men will always skip sleep if he is into a girl.
He doesn’t ask for your contact information after the date- If you are still talking though Tinder and haven’t exchanged numbers, then beware.
He doesn’t ask for a second date- In modern dating men don’t waste time planning the next date.
He leaves saying, “It was great to meet you, or it was great to have met you.”- The more polite he is at the end of the date the less he is into you. The word “met” is important because it keeps you in the past not the future.
There was no kiss- A kiss is a great innocent way to see if there is a spark. If he doesn’t want to find out, it’s a bad sign. If you didn’t have a moment where you could kiss, he will text you to say he was bummed he didn’t get to kiss you.
He insisted on going Dutch- If he refuses to pay for one measly drink, then he isn’t into you. A date is an investment to guys. If he feels you aren’t worth the investment, then he won’t spend a dime on you. Same thing for Venmo request after the date.
It’s pretty rare to have an intense mutual attraction….
Most dates are going to be neutral. You don’t hate talking to him, but you also aren’t falling in love at first sight. This is why it’s not a terrible idea to do a second date if he asks. Although don’t accept a second date at his place. Still insist on meeting in public. Guys will sleep with women they are not attracted to, so it’s not a compliment if he invites you over. Having true chemistry is something that cannot be explained by science. You will know if you are attracted to someone in the first five minutes. Sadly, it might not be mutual. If you do have a strong connection, then don’t take it for granted.
Some guys are hard to get to know….
A healthy relationship is actually “boring” to the naked eye. You might not want to make passionate love immediately to a nice stable guy. The nice dentist who is super sweet might not give off sexual bad boy vibes, but could make an amazing long-term partner. Going into every date thinking there should be explosive chemistry will probably not happen.
You aren’t going to have control over everything….
You can’t predict if you hit it off or not. Don’t invest too much emotional energy on a guy you haven’t met. The sooner you meet the better. You might have the best online chemistry and the offline he is a completely different person. Also, it’s easy to have a “ghost writer” ( a friend who helps you flirt and write texts).
Get out immediately if…..
Negging- If he is making fun of you or your interests.
Getting into a political argument- Especially in this tense climate it’s not worth it.
He’s married ( not in an open arrangement) – Don’t let him talk you into cheating on his wife.
He admits he wants to make his ex jealous- And she is sitting right over there…
He is rude to the bartender or server- If he is rude to strangers, that’s his default personality.
He is trying to con you- If he is telling a sob story and asking how much money you make…run!
Bottom Line…..
Remember to give a guy a chance if you can tell he is nervous, and know when it’s just a terrible date. Sometimes it does take a guy time to warm up. So if he isn’t making fun of your outfit and refusing to buy you a drink, then give him another shot. Some of my dates have actually turned into friendships or at least texting buddies. It’s easier to connect in a platonic way. Sometimes it’s better to just expand your social network that can lead to an introduction down the line, or set him up with one of your girlfriends. Chemistry is rare and doesn’t come along that often. If you have found someone who you are actually into and he feels the same, don’t take it for granted.
Scheduling is a huge dilemma in casual dating or in the courtship phase of a relationship. It’s frustrating because you might be in the mood to hang out and have fun, then he is “sick,” or he bails at the last minute. So, you ask the other guy….no dice. After you go though your entire contact list and Tinder you realize you can never hang out with men on your schedule. It’s never when your makeup is perfect and your hair has a beachy wave. How do you gain back the power balance and have a schedule on your terms?…..
Should you be reaching out at all?…..
Just because it’s casual doesn’t mean you should be casual. I always thought, “It’s not going anywhere, I can ask to hang out.” This resulted in having broken plans and mostly a lack of urgency to spend time with me. I didn’t keep him on his toes and I created a stable pattern. Yes, you should respond if he reaches out, but still curb your enthusiasm slightly. Wait like 30 minutes to an hour to respond to the text or DM. Let him sweat it out a bit.
Make a habit of turning him down occasionally….
Even if you aren’t doing anything better, it’s good practice to turn him down occasionally. Hopefully, you will be naturally busy. Especially, if he isn’t asking to go on real dates. Again, if he doesn’t know if you will say yes or no you have more power.
If he isn’t keeping up with you, move on….
You might not realize your casual thing is on the decline. If you are the only one keeping it alive, you need to take a step back. You will realize that he never reaches out or invites you over anymore. This can happen in a budding relationship. You might be showing up at places where you know he will be. Once the pattern is set, he knows he can just catch you next time. It’s sort of like a 24-hour Walmart versus an Indie boutique. You value the Indie boutique more since you have no idea if they will randomly close for maintenance. The 24-hour Walmart will always be open so you can save it for another time.
If he would rather do a boring thing than hang, it’s a huge insult….
This has happened to me with two separate guys. If he is saying he would rather sort his sock drawer than hang out, it’s a slap in the face. You should not take it lightly. If anything, you should do it back to him next time he decides he wants to see you.
How do you gain back the power?….
Sometimes you can save it by majorly pulling back. If you are always the one to reach out and plan things, then stop! Now is the time to make him nervous that you found someone else. But… you can’t just run to him the second he texts you. You have to follow though and really make it difficult to have access to you again. Meet new guys, go on dates, keep up with Tinder. Stop hanging around the regular watering hole. If he doesn’t contact you within two weeks, move on. This is hard to accept, but if he isn’t worried about not seeing you again, then he didn’t care in the first place or he met someone else.
Being lonely and drinking will result in bad decisions….
You aren’t tempted to send that text during the day. After the third glass of wine you figure what’s the harm? It’s super important to resist contacting him. (This is why it’s a good idea to not save numbers. Social media can be the most tempting to reach out. Try to avoid giving him access to your Instagram or Snapchat). It’s easy to get into mission mode and contact every man you have ever met. It won’t work. Men will never drop everything to hang out. A date or hang-out has to be his idea or it won’t happen. Annoying…but that’s just how things go.
Coffee shops / bars, work, and school can be tough for the mystery….
Any place you frequent once a week or more should not be a place to pick up guys. Sometimes it does happen that a barista will start chatting with you and you read too much into it. There are always other coffee shops and bars. If you are getting the sense you have worn out your welcome, then stop going to that place. Change your regular hang-out spot. It’s tougher if it’s a classmate or co-worker. This is when it becomes a tricky situation. Before you get into deep, think if there is an exit strategy. Quitting your job or dropping a class is a regretful decision to make over a dumb crush.
So when can you see him?…..
There is a reason that you should be seeing a couple guys and going on new dates while switching up your location. You don’t want any man to pick up on a stable pattern. He is needs to be texting you he misses you and can’t wait to see you. When he doesn’t know the next time he can see you then you have more leverage.
Bottom Line…..
It’s hard to know how much access you should give a casual guy or in the courtship phase. Short-term wise you think it shouldn’t matter if you reach out in a casual thing. But then you realize you are the only one keeping it alive. It just feels so much better to be desired and chased. There needs to be a sense of urgency to see you. When he gets too comfortable, he figures he can see you anytime, why see you now? This is when the power balance shifts in his favor. He is more likely to break plans or worse, turn down seeing you. Overall it makes you feel cheap and undervalued. Keep yourself busy with friends and new dates. Pull back if you get a get a hint of lack of urgency. The sooner you do this, the more likely the relationship can be saved. Never be the girl who invites herself to things or is lurking around the corner. Be a mystery and never create stable patterns.
In casual dating or even early dating a guy with potential, it’s never a good idea to be super honest. In my 20s, I felt obligated to reveal every skeleton in my closet. If he still liked me then great– I tested men like this all the time. Sometimes this radical honesty would result in zero dates or being thrown into a certain category. Once you reach a zone where you are dating a lot of guys casually, you will feel less inclined to mail them your autobiography. I have certain insecurities in my life that are typical getting-to-know-you questions, such as, where I work, who I live with, and how many friends I actually have. To the person asking the questions these are standard. Being in a casual landscape for many years, I have found information is precious and can be fudged to suit your narrative….
Where you work/ what you do for a living….
A ton, if not all creative people, have had dead-end soul-sucking jobs. Unfortunately, when the day job is brought up, then all focus goes to that and an opinion is formed, even if you say, “Well, I am also a stand- up comedian.” Then the question of how you actually make money comes up. You end up having to defend your hopes and dreams. I say, only mention your passion, even if you receive zero income. If a guy is wondering about your financial situation, he is probably a con artist or a young guy wanting a sugar mama. Your finances should not affect him. Some people simply have boring jobs. If this is the case, be brief and move on to the next topic.
Embellishing what you are actually doing at the moment….
A lot of the time guys will ask, “wyd?”. More than likely, you are lying on the couch watching Netflix. It’s totally fine to make something up. He isn’t going to care if it’s true–it’s just feeling out how you live your life. I mean it might be far-fetched that you are wrestling wild hogs. You can say, something like, “Oh, I am cooking a nice dinner and sipping wine.” Even if you did that two hours ago as long as it can lead to a conversation that’s the whole point. You don’t have to make everything sexual (“I am in lingerie getting into a pillow fight with my roommate”). It’s fine to dance the line of seduction and practical.
How social you actually are….
It’s nice to create an illusion that you are in demand and have friends. In the early stages, it creates a let-me-pencil-you-in dynamic. There is more of an urgency and less flaking if he thinks you actually don’t have time to be stood up. If his impression of you is that he can hit you up at any time of day and have nothing going on, you have a problem.
Who you live with / living situation….
I have lived with family and with terrible roommates. I have also lived alone, yet in a bad part of town. In casual, I suggest you leave your living situation out of it. It’s my opinion out of safety to just go to him (once you built trust). Seek out and only go on dates who live alone or have an understanding roommate. Even if you live in a penthouse apartment made of gold, long-termwise, it’s not a great idea to let 20-plus men know where you live. You never know how men will react if rejected and most stalkers are men. Give the impression that your place is not an option. I also suggest guys who live closer to downtown; don’t be traveling to his cabin in the woods.
Your self-help interests….
I read self-help books and listen to podcasts. I also like dating podcasts and YouTube channels with dating coaches. However, I would not include this information to a question of, “What are your interests?” Not to say you should be ashamed, although it paints a picture of you crying into a self-help book while devouring ice cream. He will get the impression you might not be in a stable place, even if you just do the therapy stuff for self-growth.
Your ailments…..
There is nothing wrong with having mental health issues. Everyone has had them at some point in their life. However, getting into a discussion about how depressed you are sort of pumps the brakes on future conversations. Again, nothing wrong with it. You have to remember you are building a certain narrative and trying to lead with positivity. Just like the self-help interests, you are making yourself sound unstable or in crisis when that might not be the case at all.
Music….
Listen, as an adult musical tastes do not matter at all. In high school you lived and died for a certain band and all your friends had to be (emo, metal, country), or in a certain scene. Nowadays, it should not matter. Yet, music can still be a passing judgment. Most people are versed in all types of music. If this question is brought up, let him talk first. I am sure you can discuss that type of music and might even have a story about liking a song or album. If you bring up obscure music, it slams the door to the conversation and you seem snobby. The point is to bond over something and find common ground.
Your spirituality…..
I am a woo-woo person. I have crystals, practice feng shui, love a horoscope. If asked about spiritual practice, tread carefully. Context is everything, I have had guys bring up birth charts and astrology. If unprompted, downplay how much you are into it. Most guys fear you will ask for his birth chart and ditch him because the “stars don’t align.”
Your checkered past….
Sometimes men will try to rip negativity out of you. He might ask what your pet peeves are, what is the worst thing you have done, have you been arrested. Try not to jump onstage and do your one-woman show. Once you get into negative topics it’s hard to stop. It’s not worth the self-deprecating joke.
Anything that makes you look incapable….
Maybe you kill all your house plants, have never pumped your own gas, and can’t tell time with a regular clock (don’t judge me). You want to get ahold of your narrative that you are capable. When you lead with being helpless then a predator and con artist’s ears will perk up. He can manipulate you for money, sex, and a place to live.
How long you have been on Tinder or any dating app…..
I have been on the dating apps since the good old OkCupid on a desktop days. This, however, makes me sound like a lunatic. It’s best to fake your knowledge of the apps, or that you even need them. If it’s brought up, you can say you just joined. Also, you don’t want to give the impression you are a seasoned pro in dating. Make yourself seem innocent and that dating just comes to you naturally.
Bottom Line…..
Create your own narrative. In a casual-dating phase, you need to pepper in things about yourself and leave the rest to the imagination. You probably won’t have the bandwidth to tell your whole life story and traumas to dudes you are casually seeing. Information needs to be earned. Also, men are just trying to spark up a dialogue. If you fudged a story, or say you were in a location you left 2 hours ago, who cares? Men are grasping at straws to get you talking. As long as it’s flirty, fun, and mysterious, that’s all you need. Say away from negativity, self-deprecating humor, and volunteering negative information about yourself. Keep him wondering and coming back.
In the book, “The Rules,” women are encouraged to get asked by Wednesday for a Saturday-night date. Three days out is best versus a week. The further away the date, the more likely he will forget he asked, or he will put it off to blow you off later. Sometimes there is confusion in knowing if you are actually going on a real date. In our casual dating world, men like to dip their toe and not fully commit to a date. If you are holding out for your crush to ask you out, don’t fall for a semi-date, but hold out for the real thing…..
Should you be asked for a date in advance?….
Yes. There needs to be planning involved. Matching on Tinder, then asking if you are free that night is very presumptuous that you don’t already have plans. Even if you don’t, it’s best to create the illusion of a full life. It can also be that his original plan fell though so he is sifting though Snapchat.
Day dates are more likely filler dates….
If it’s Tuesday at 1pm, it seems like he just wants someone to grab lunch with him. Any day-date, besides a fun planned-out activity, means he isn’t taking the date seriously.
Late night is also bad….
Even if he says he is working and gets off at 11pm…No….He has a day off, he just doesn’t want to waste it on you. Late night is he just wanting to hook up.
“I’m only in town for the weekend–you should show me around”….
I mean, sometimes it can take the pressure off since you know it won’t go anywhere. Just know that before you agree. It could be a fun experience….or…plot-twist, he does live in your town– he just pretends to be an out-of-towner for a one-night stand.
“I’m out with friends, you should meet up”….
Decline this every time. Lazy lazy lazy. Don’t bother slapping on makeup and leaving your house for this. More than likely you are the only girl that replied.
Speaking of friends….
Don’t agree to a group date unless you are an exclusive couple or his friends happen to be at your date location. It’s awkward to meet ten strangers and you won’t get a chance to talk. Another example is inviting you to a party.
Inviting you to see his band play or improv night…..
You don’t know if he asked ten people to just get bodies in the room. I have done this too often, thinking it’s a legit date. Sure, he might chat with you before or after the show, but it certainly isn’t a date and you are the clown in the audience.
“Just come to my place”…..
A lot of young guys or college students do this a lot. Besides the fact that it’s unsafe, it’s also rude and lazy. He does not care about impressing you or wants to waste money.
What is a real date?….
A first date doesn’t need to be complicated. However, there should be some planning involved. He should know a great place to take you without a ton of distractions. A date is just the two of you, no one should be tagging along, or you being in a crowd watching him perform. It doesn’t mean it should be an 8-hour date for it to be legit. Just a 2-hour max if it is going well, which can mean one location change is ideal. In reality-TV there are helicopters and zip-lining….The real world is less complicated. Be in an environment where you are comfortable and can build attraction.
Bottom Line…..
Turning down dates might feel like you are rejecting someone for no real reason. Try to think long-term and how you feel. A date should be him trying to impress you. If it’s someone that you have a huge crush on, then be firm about wanting a real date. By being firm I mean to decline dates that aren’t actual dates. If he likes you, he will keep trying until he gets it right. You don’t have to be rude and explain things to him. Simply saying, “Oh, I wish I could, but I have plans for tonight.” Don’t be the last-minute girl; be the original plan.
Mostly Casual 