There will be sweeping judgments based on your dating profiles. Psychologically, this is a shortcut for making a person feel safe. In dating, an insignificant interest can develop into a red flag, or worst case, a way to be conned. Spirituality falls under this category and a person can be judged unfairly for it. I am a spiritual person and discovered that it does me no favors to advertise. Play it safe by skipping any religion section on the apps (unless you are in fact religious such as Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, etc). Why is being “not religious, but spiritual” a target for f*ckboys and con artists?…..
Spirituality implies you have no boundaries…..
Users and narcissists love people with zero boundaries; easy targets are their bread and butter. The hippy-dippy way of life seems chill and carefree, but strategic users like to take advantage of pure hearts and kindness.
It makes them think you are all about “free love”…..
Nothing wrong with free love, hooking up, experimenting. However, when you are being blocked from ever getting a serious relationship, it stings. It should be your choice to hook up versus guys only wanting to hook up.
Men will tune you out….
When you start to say things like, “well, my moon is in Gemini, so I have two sides to my personality”…..all the men in the room hear white noise. It’s like when a guy corners you about his NFL fake draft thing.
Ask yourself how important is it?…..
Are you getting your tarot read every week and know every name and function of a crystal? Or do you read your horoscope once a month and that’s it. When the app says, “spiritual” everyone will leap to you having a strong interest.
Bottom Line…..
Your dating apps should be constantly rebranding; same with how you act on dates. You have to keep in mind that it takes two blinks to determine interest. The first impression for men is visual, so looking hot and normal is your best bet. However, if you are making money off being spiritual, such running a tarot business or working as an astrologer, then own it! Who cares about how guys feel; you can dry your tears with dollar bills.
Rejection can hit you like a dump truck when you thought you looked both ways. Years ago I was at a bar. I saw a guy and decided to approach him; we had a great conversation….yet…he never asked me out on an official date and we faded out. A year later, I saw him again! I debated with myself if I should say hello. “Would he remember me?” I texted my friends in real time hoping to get the green light to wave to him. I finally made eye contact, waved, and smiled across the bar. A look of confusion and concern washed over his face. I knew I’d made a huge mistake. I quickly retreated to the outdoor patio leaving my dignity inside the bar. I then realized I had to pass him again to leave…..
When a guy hasn’t kept in contact….DON’T FOLLOW UP…..
In fact, I go by the two week contact rule. When I have not heard from a guy in my contact list in two weeks straight, I delete his number.
Try not to make the first move…..
Usually when it isn’t his idea in the first place, nothing will materialize. He continuing the conversation might be out of pure politeness, not interest. A TON of confusion, asking the group chat, and mixed signals stems from this. Save yourself the drama and don’t approach.
Rejection is letting go of your power…..
Sometimes it’s perfectly fine to play it safe. When you don’t know the outcome, it can make you feel powerless. Most fearless friends who have a YOLO mindset can set you up for embarrassment. Take the “be brave” advice with a grain of salt. You are allowed to look before you leap.
How do we keep ourselves from being rejected in the future?…..
You have to look at the signs at face value. Is this guy making an effort to talk and keep up with you? It’s best to recognize interest versus politeness. It will save you an embarrassing moment. When there is zero forward motion (asking to get you a drink, exchanging phone numbers, asking to see you again) assume he was bored or being polite.
How do we move on from rejection?…..
Ruminating about a rejection is the worst thing you can do. It’s best to feel safe in your little bubble, but rejection can happen no matter how careful you were. Getting rejected can cause you to feel insecure and not feel great about accepting a new date. Fight this feeling and keep swiping. Tell yourself it will be a funny story to tell later.
Rejection can be humbling….
You might have been on a hot streak and gotten a big head. Sometimes you need to come back down to earth and appreciate when a good date comes along. Not having a perspective makes all dates mundane.
Bottom Line….
Rejection is going to happen even when you are super careful. You will make rookie mistakes, especially when you are newly single and getting out there. Taking a temperature of the room is the first step. The best thing you can learn is self-awareness and picking up what people are putting down. Notice when you are the only one reaching out, and he is not moving things forward. On the bright side, rejection can be humbling and lets you appreciate when a great date comes along.
I am all about a time-saving hack, so it seems logical to get more bang for your buck with dates. Except…..that it is frowned upon when you do back-to-back dates. (Usually only the men are frowning though). I watched the episode of “Sex and the City” where Charlotte double books and horror ensues. It is a tricky social loop-de-loop with some dos and don’ts. How can you maximize your evening without being rude and blowing it with both men?
Don’t do a dinner or big time commitment……
Charlotte’s huge mistake was accepting a dinner date. Any date where you are stuck for hours is a no-go. You never know, the kitchen could be backed up or the head chef could get stabbed in the hand with a butcher knife. Stick to simple drinks or coffee and give yourself an hour or so with date number one.
Explain to date number one you have plans after…..
It’s kinder to give a date a head’s up so he doesn’t think you are dedicating your whole evening to him. Explain you will be meeting with a friend later on, but can still hang for a bit. It might be to your benefit to have a shorter date and seem busy.
The second date needs to be further away…..
The worst thing you can do is invite date number two to the same bar! At least go around the corner to a new bar or location. Your first date might circle back in or not leave. Wear an outfit that’s neutral so you don’t stand out; avoid loud patterns or colors. You want to blend in just in case he walks by.
Treat date number one as a warm-up……
Date number one should be the guy that is pretty low stakes. It’s more so a warm-up that leads you to being more relaxed with date number two. It can feel jarring to meet a stranger and you need time to get your nerves ironed out.
Bottom Line……
Think how much energy you will save by splitting your typical four-hour date in half. Speed- dating is nothing new and not a dating crime. Men don’t like it because you are beating the system. There is no reason to gloat and brag that you have to get to another date. Always say “friend” and try your best to go to a different location. Pace yourself with drinks and gracefully check your phone or set an alarm. Communicate before you meet that you have limited time, but don’t mind meeting up for a bit. Give yourself a grace period to get to the second location. When you end up on date number two you will be relaxed and not in robot interview mode.
Sometimes in casual dating it can get a little…..too casual. The “I’ll see ya, when I see ya” attitude can be light and fun, until it isn’t. It could be a chronic re-scheduler or someone you have never met. Should you keep giving it a shot, or not entertain such dynamics?……
Why is there no actual plan?……
Ask yourself this first. It isn’t hard to pick a time and place. Yet, the “meet up with you later” guy doesn’t seem to have a calendar.
Is there a deeper meaning?…..
It has an air-of-fate and meant-to-be, bringing out your romantic side. Never meeting means the fantasy lives on with no crash of reality. It is easier pushing it off until next time.
Why does he hit me up and never follow through?…..
The most likely case is that he is dating multiple people (or worse case…cheating) and picked someone else over you. Men typically like the idea of options, like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter.
Should you text him while you are out?…..
This is totally up to you. The downside could be just wasted time where you are staring at your phone all night and not being present. He probably will run out the clock and the cycle starts again next weekend.
Does the clock start at meeting?….
There is a school of thought that nothing matters until you actually meet in person. In reality, you can be rejected before a first date. Thinking someone is a catch starts with the first impression. Yes, things change once you see each other in person. However, it’s the same as an audition. A casting director might not even choose you for an audition because you didn’t make the cut.
Do you block, ignore, have a talk?…..
After a certain point, it does get frustrating. I would say, match his energy and pace. Store those nuts for the winter for yourself. Casual dating can move at warp speed at times. Circumstances do change when people break up, or have more free time. However, it’s nothing to hang your hat on. It’s best to be far removed from the emotion of it all. Go with your gut feeling and acknowledge how much you are agonizing.
Bottom Line……
On the scale of casual, this type of “dating” falls under waving at a co-worker in the hall. You have built him up in your mind and have adopted a someday mindset. When you look at any gray area dating as abundance and options, then great! There is the old chestnut of “if he wanted to, he would have.” Tangible dating should be more of a priority and a time waster should be put on the back burner. Decide if keeping his phone number is worth doing or a big distraction.
As a chronically single person, I have learned that certain holidays need to be scheduled in advance. When you are unprepared it’s easy to get stuck into your own agenda of being desperate. Valentine’s Day is a huge reminder that you are single. However, you have to remember it is just a day, and with proper planning you can avoid rookie mistakes. The biggest one is to never accept a first date on Valentine’s Day. Here’s why……
Expectations are through the roof…..
You are dying for a meet cute love story. When a first date doesn’t go well on a regular day, it is easier to brush it off. When it doesn’t go well on Valentine’s Day, you could make rash decisions out of desperation (texting your ex or f*ckboy you swore off).
The outside world will be involved……
When you tell your friends you have a date for Valentine’s Day, they will follow up. Your gal pals will be crossing their fingers and sending good vibes. It’s harder to dodge them circling back to see how it went.
There will be more fuss……
Getting ready will be more nerve-wracking and agonizing over an outfit that might set you back an extra hour. There will probably be more time spent calming down and having an extra glass of liquid courage.
You will be surrounded by love birds…..
You could pick your location wisely and just show up at a bar. However, couples will still be out staring into each others eyes and holding hands. This can be awkward when your date is extremely lackluster.
What to do instead…..
Nail down your calendar for the week of Valentine’s Day. You could book a facial, hair appointment, or get your nails done. Then, in the evening, have a solid idea to either go out to a concert or stay home and do an activity. Best case you have a Galentine’s / Palentine’s Day. The point is to not be panicking on the day and get swayed by random guys wanting to hook up.
Bottom Line……
For singles, you need to brush up on your defense playing. It’s mainly about avoiding certain people and being rock-solid about the plans you made yourself. A first date on Valentine’s Day is too big of a risk and can have long-term consequences. Having it go poorly could mean texting your ex or getting into a negative spiral that could set you back from meeting someone great. Dating is all about mindset and it can warp your mind into reminding you that you are alone and that only couples are happy (both are not true). Make the day special for you, rather than succumbing to a late night “U up” text.
You might have this guy in your life who is in a trail period. Maybe things are too early to have “the talk.” So, you continue to go on dates and keep swiping. When you are out there dating, it’s hard to know where your feelings are at. How do you know you are leaning towards wanting exclusivity?…..
1. You feel weird when things could lead to hooking up with other men…..
It might feel like you are about to cheat, even when you aren’t a couple yet. You even feel weird talking and swiping on the apps, ignoring messages and brushing people off. When you do accept dates, it’s just coffee during the day that leads to nowhere.
2. You just want to see him…..
Hooking up is a bonus, not the main priority. He makes you feel relaxed and you lose track of time. There are inside jokes and your own language.
3. You get excited when he texts…..
Your heart and stomach do a flip. This is a good thing to recognize because it’s your gut reaction. On the opposite spectrum, you seeing his number and immediately rolling your eyes…something to take note of.
4. You can be sober around him…..
There is no need to pre-game or “get in the zone” when you see him. Showing up is the relaxing part and you can enjoy your time sober.
5. You feel embarrassed when he does something weird in front of people…..
This is an unusual sign and might not come up. In rare cases, he might do something cringe-worthy in front of people. (Failed joke, free style rap, slip on a banana peel). When it’s a guy you like, you feel he is representing you.
6. You want to tell your friends about him and use his actual name…..
He isn’t a nickname like, “the red car guy.” You use his given name to talk about him with your friends. I know when I don’t see a future with a guy, I call him a nickname. Friends will view him as a joke as well.
7. You do mundane things together and it’s a blast…..
When Carrie was at the beginning stages of dating Berger in “Sex and the City” she described a simple outing as an “erotic errand.” Grocery shopping or getting a car washed is an adventure.
8. You feel anxious finding out he went on a date…..
He is allowed to see other people, so are you. However, these is a sting of betrayal when he slips that he went on another date. Your feelings of jealousy says a lot. It’s not a mark of maturity to not feel threatened that you could be replaced.
Bottom Line…..
In the early stages of dating it’s hard to know what you want. It could be very early in the courting process. Your instincts and gut reactions are something to pay attention to. When you do go on dates with other men, how are you feeling? Are you tempted to cut the date short to see him? Now is a good time to put a pin in your feelings without having “the talk” yet. Let things play out in the first few weeks to a month and try to let him take the lead. However, the first step is acknowledging your feelings for him, which can help you make decisions down the road.
We all have done it….We say it’s over then somehow we end up at his place at 11pm Friday night. Sleeping with an ex feels comforting and you can pretend for a split second that you are still together. Most of the time relationships get played out longer than it needs to. This results in the on again off again dynamic. In this type of relationship that’s where the most drama happens. There are no labels, yet a lot of history. As a whole, it’s a race to see who finds a new partner first. Men use this time to transition smoothly into the next relationship. What are the consequences when you keep up the relationship?…What’s the protocol when you run into him?….
Why do we do on again, off again?…..
It feels comfortable to sleep with someone we know versus a stranger….
We can justify it’s not like we are out there having one night stands with randoms. Yet, sleeping with an ex tricks you into thinking you are still in the relationship when in fact you are far from it.
You secretly think you will get back together….
He has a totally different agenda with sleeping with you. It’s not because he wants to give it another chance.
You are afraid to get back out there…..
It probably took you forever to get this guy to commit. It takes a ton of energy to start over. You decide a gray area is better.
What should we do instead?……
Cut contact…..
I know it sounds dramatic, but agreeing to keep an ex in your life will only be confusing down the road.
Block him on socials….
It’s best to not see what he is up to. Seeing him with another girl will ruin your week.
Don’t agree to be friends or friendly…..
He is trying not to be the bad guy. He doesn’t actually want to be friends, he just doesn’t want drama when you run into each other.
5 ways to treat an Ex….
Even if we aren’t the late night hook up girl, what can we do if we run into an ex? Should you talk, wave, act like everything is cool?…..
1. The concept of being friendly towards an ex needs to stop- (this is a case of a toxic ex). You aren’t the bigger person by being sweet as pie to him. Men don’t really get the hint that you are killing him with kindness. He just sees you as being nice to him. Acting friendly and taking the high road might be a mark of maturity, but it won’t translate well. It’s not childish to ignore him if you spot him in public.
2. Don’t try to make him jealous – You might be on a new date when he walks by. This isn’t your opportunity to say hello and bring attention to your new date. Trust me he doesn’t care….keep it moving.
3. Avoid his hang out spot- You know where your ex hangs out, yet you somehow “forget” and show up anyway. Stop doing this! A “chance meeting” won’t spark his interest to approach you. I know you think. “it’s not fair, he can’t take a cool spot away from me!” I hear you, and it does suck. Not to say you should avoid it forever, but it shouldn’t be an act of rebellion to show up all the time.
4. If you run into your ex don’t immediately tell your friend- Running into him shouldn’t be front page news. I know it’s fun to have a slice of gossip, but it reinforces that he is still apart of your life. Obviously, if something insane happens, like him free styling and slipping on a banana peel then tell people. Just the act of seeing him sip coffee and reading shouldn’t warrant you telling all your friends.
5. The opposite of love is apathy- Running into him should feel like…nothing. It’s not an opportunity to be mean or prove anything. Stop talking smack about him to strangers if he is brought up. You look like the unhinged person, not him.
Bottom Line…..
Truly moving on and getting over an ex feels amazing. Women are pressured to be nice to everyone, even a man who cheated or screwed her over. Not saying you should be slashing his tires, but there should be no obligation to say hello or act like you moved on around him. On that note, stop bringing dates around where you know he will be. Overall, if you ended on decent terms just remember to give less than he is, him giving you a wave doesn’t mean you run up to him and give a bear hug. An ex you are still hooking up with has an expiration date, and will end when he finds his next girlfriend. He has no intention to give you guys another shot. Stop it before it starts.
A big milestone in early exclusivity is the first fight. It’s a time you really need to perk your ears up and see how it was handled. Every healthy fight should keep voices low and a resolution at the end. There shouldn’t be cheap shots and bringing up old fights that were already resolved. This is the time to communicate emotions and not facts. (Most men are very literal and will correct you for hours). How should you handle fights in a relationship, and how can you prevent them?……
Bring it up the first time…..
Normally, I would say wait until it happens three times, then bring it up. It’s too late by then and creates a hostile environment, like you were holding onto resentment for a month. Call it out as soon as it happens, or at least within the same time frame. This way you get it out in the open and you are holding firm to a boundary.
Only tell a therapist your relationship issues…..
When you bring friends, family, and co-workers into your inner relationship they will always be judgemental. You have set them up for that role to judge a one-sided dynamic. Plus, they rarely hear the good stuff and are overloaded with all the fights and nitty-gritty. It is fun to gossip and have someone take your side, but if you want your relationship to last, you don’t need doubts in your head. However, in case of abuse of any kind tell everyone and get out safely.
Give yourself breathing room….
It feels natural to be on top of each other 24/7. Make a point early on to maintain a sort of schedule and pace things out. It’s exciting to finally have him commit, but smothering will result in resentment.
Make a point to spend quality time…..
When you do hang out, put away your phone; maybe don’t sleep over every time. Try to have a loose plan of what you are doing. It’s fun to hang out until he gets bored and starts playing “Call of Duty”.
Nourish your friendships…..
Don’t keep canceling on your friends. The swept-away early stages are fun, but you are hurting your friendships. Hang out with them without your boyfriend and try to not make it all about your relationship.
Don’t reward bad behavior…..
You aren’t the bigger person by being the peacemaker all the time. There are serious consequences to certain actions. When you apologize for him and kiss and make up he will continue to treat you poorly. You aren’t being petty to put up boundaries for out-of-line behavior.
Bottom Line……
Fights will happen in a relationship and on the plus side can prove someone cares in certain instances. However, fighting all the time, name calling, and emotional abuse (or any abuse) are a deal breaker. Prevent fights by not rushing and pacing out the relationship. Give each other space and follow a schedule: give him something to look forward to. Use your best judgement on who to tell about fights. Keep in mind friends probably only hear about the bad times, not the good. Your judgment can be clouded by opinions of only knowing the bad, when in reality it could be a healthy relationship with a few spats here and there. Overall, see how the first fight was handled. This is how he solves conflict and how much respect he has for you. Don’t ignore it.
When I worked my service industry jobs I adopted my “work personality”. Our society sadly does not celebrate introverts. The costumer service personality is: friendly, willing to help, and peppy. In the dating world it’s best to have a “dating personality”. And yes…I know this sounds wrong or unfair (but I should be myself!!!!). However, if you are trying to be more social and meet men off the apps some changes in your vibe need to be made. If you have moved to a new city, started your first year of college, or just want a clean slate and get a better social circle here are some ways to navigate it……
What is bubbly?…..
There is a fine line between bubbly and loud and annoying. Truthfully it comes down to how you look and tone of voice. Dressing super gaudy and vulgar will force people to perceive you as “too much”. Bubbly has a quiet confidence and is understated. She doesn’t announce herself in the room, everyone already sees her.
Flirt in a cute way…..
Keep the siren sexual flirting to the pros. It’s better to be PG and charming. As long as you are smiling and having a good time that’s all you need.
Body language…..
Yes it matters! Sit up straight and walk tall. It will feel unnatural if you are used to slumping over while you sit. Eye contact is a huge thing! Force yourself to at least stare at the forehead if eye contact is too intense.
Being snarky and sarcastic is used as armor…..
It seems cool to flick your cigarette while trash talking. Yet, it’s very masculine. I had the mindset that cool is masculine. Being feminine has more power than being “one of the guys”. Charisma and charm is your super power. Also there is nothing wrong with holding off a sour mood. When you enter a social setting listen to that mood boosting song and stop your hamster wheel thoughts from continuing.
Go with a simple nickname…..
Sometimes it’s all about branding. Certain names get misheard or confused with another name. Consider going with a short nickname or your middle name. The shorter and more clear the better. It will ease your mind with introductions and your won’t get the dreaded, “sorry, what’s your name again?”
Self love isn’t just a buzzword…..
It’s an act of rebellion to love yourself. Our society encourages us to hate ourselves so we spend money on products. It’s all about your vibes and aura in social settings. A smile and eye contact goes a long way. Positivity moves you forward and negativity will put up a wall.
Bottom Line……
Do certain personalities prevail in dating and social settings? Yes!….It’s not about changing yourself or interests. You can still be an introvert, but practice being present. Eye contact and smiling while being apart of the conversation is all people want. They want to be heard and listened to. Introductions can be stressful when you have a confusing name. Decide if it’s better to go by a nickname or a middle name. Bubbly should be the goal for how you are perceived. Complaining and being an energy vampire will push people away. Breezy, light, fun, and sweet should be the adjectives that everyone describes you.
It’s not real unless he spends New Year’s Eve with you….That has been my rule for many years and I still stand by it! The notion of sharing the first kiss of the year with someone is sacred. Even in a brand-new relationship it is crucial to spend New Year’s Eve together. It is telling the world and time itself that you are moving forward together into the next year. Here are four common excuses he can’t spend New Year’s Eve together……
He chose to be out of town…..
Sure, your boyfriend might have to go down to Florida for the holidays. New Year’s….his family doesn’t expect him to be there. Saying he will be back in town on the fourth indicates something fishy is happening.
He doesn’t want to celebrate at all…..
When everyone is going out or having a small get together and he insists on playing video games by himself… beware. He saying it’s an overrated holiday or anything of that nature should not be taken lightly.
He didn’t request off work…..
I mean… it happens that service industry folks or retail get the short end of the stick. Usually though, if you request off way in advance, they will give you the night off. He might be putting up the work buffer to avoid the whole night.
He is spending it with friends….
The squad has decided to go to Aspen…..without you. He planned this out before he met you, yet doesn’t want you to book your own ticket. You have to wonder who he is planning on kissing because it isn’t you.
Bottom Line….
Excuses come up a lot when holidays, birthdays, and New Year’s roll around. Starting the new year together has a lot of meaning. Going out in public or to a small get together in shiny outfits and a New Year’s tiara shows the world you are a couple. Some men don’t want to make that declaration, even if he asked you to be his girlfriend. He might brush it off saying it isn’t a big deal, “it’s an overrated holiday.” He knows it’s a big deal which is why he is avoiding it. When the excuse train leaves the station, decide if this relationship is even real. Maybe you need to have a clean slate for the New Year and dump him.
Mostly Casual 