Abandoned For The New Man

Nothing feels better when you and your BFF are single at the same time. You stay out longer at the bars, commiserate over f*ckboys, and have the most heart-to-hearts. Then all of a sudden….she gets into a relationship. Texts are ignored, hangouts are postponed until further notice. How can you navigate when your bestie gets a new man?……

Stop the narrative that The Singles are jealous…..

We singles aren’t mad that you are in a relationship; we just want to see you. Are some single friends jealous?….could be, but that’s not all that is going on.

As the friend you feel crazy…..

You probably asked her to hang out countless times. The response is usually, “Well, I will have to see what Brad is up to, but maybe.” You aren’t sure if you should keep asking or drop it completely.

Understand what’s really happening……

The honeymoon fog takes over for the first month or so. She no longer needs three people for the work of one. She has a new therapist, lover, and friend all wrapped into one. After a certain point, stop asking just to be turned down.

You might be a bad influence…..

Pick up what she is putting down. She could have sworn off her single days and wants to wipe her old life away. You could be seen as a “bad influence” and take the blame for her bad behavior

What should you do?…..

Understand that the phase might pass, but be prepared if it doesn’t. Build up 2nd and 3rd tier friends now. Go to social events, parties, and mingle. When you have an army of acquaintances you will feel more in control. Seek out single friends who want to go out and be social.

What you should not do…..

The juvenile way of thinking is to sabotage her relationship so she becomes single again. Your opinions about her new boyfriend mean very little in her decision making. In fact, it will cause her to distance from you more. (Obviously, if he is an ex-con or an abuser speak up). Your only option is to hang in there and hope she wants to hang down the road.

Bottom Line…..

It hurts the most when you are the one left in the dust. Friendships are at their peak ripeness when you are both single, annoyed at men, and want to party. Just because she got swept away doesn’t mean you can’t seek out other single friends. I understand she is your BFF, but you need to leave space for her to grow. You can’t expect your relationship to stay the same forever. Your friends may move, get into relationships, or start a new demanding job. Friendships should be ever evolving with you always needing to be ready to add new friends to the rotation.

Why You Shouldn’t Lead With Your Spirituality

There will be sweeping judgments based on your dating profiles. Psychologically, this is a shortcut for making a person feel safe. In dating, an insignificant interest can develop into a red flag, or worst case, a way to be conned. Spirituality falls under this category and a person can be judged unfairly for it. I am a spiritual person and discovered that it does me no favors to advertise. Play it safe by skipping any religion section on the apps (unless you are in fact religious such as Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, etc). Why is being “not religious, but spiritual” a target for f*ckboys and con artists?…..

Spirituality implies you have no boundaries…..

Users and narcissists love people with zero boundaries; easy targets are their bread and butter. The hippy-dippy way of life seems chill and carefree, but strategic users like to take advantage of pure hearts and kindness.

It makes them think you are all about “free love”…..

Nothing wrong with free love, hooking up, experimenting. However, when you are being blocked from ever getting a serious relationship, it stings. It should be your choice to hook up versus guys only wanting to hook up.

Men will tune you out….

When you start to say things like, “well, my moon is in Gemini, so I have two sides to my personality”…..all the men in the room hear white noise. It’s like when a guy corners you about his NFL fake draft thing.

Ask yourself how important is it?…..

Are you getting your tarot read every week and know every name and function of a crystal? Or do you read your horoscope once a month and that’s it. When the app says, “spiritual” everyone will leap to you having a strong interest.

Bottom Line…..

Your dating apps should be constantly rebranding; same with how you act on dates. You have to keep in mind that it takes two blinks to determine interest. The first impression for men is visual, so looking hot and normal is your best bet. However, if you are making money off being spiritual, such running a tarot business or working as an astrologer, then own it! Who cares about how guys feel; you can dry your tears with dollar bills.

Egg On Your Face: The Humiliating Experience Of Rejection

Rejection can hit you like a dump truck when you thought you looked both ways. Years ago I was at a bar. I saw a guy and decided to approach him; we had a great conversation….yet…he never asked me out on an official date and we faded out. A year later, I saw him again! I debated with myself if I should say hello. “Would he remember me?” I texted my friends in real time hoping to get the green light to wave to him. I finally made eye contact, waved, and smiled across the bar. A look of confusion and concern washed over his face. I knew I’d made a huge mistake. I quickly retreated to the outdoor patio leaving my dignity inside the bar. I then realized I had to pass him again to leave…..

When a guy hasn’t kept in contact….DON’T FOLLOW UP…..

In fact, I go by the two week contact rule. When I have not heard from a guy in my contact list in two weeks straight, I delete his number.

Try not to make the first move…..

Usually when it isn’t his idea in the first place, nothing will materialize. He continuing the conversation might be out of pure politeness, not interest. A TON of confusion, asking the group chat, and mixed signals stems from this. Save yourself the drama and don’t approach.

Rejection is letting go of your power…..

Sometimes it’s perfectly fine to play it safe. When you don’t know the outcome, it can make you feel powerless. Most fearless friends who have a YOLO mindset can set you up for embarrassment. Take the “be brave” advice with a grain of salt. You are allowed to look before you leap.

How do we keep ourselves from being rejected in the future?…..

You have to look at the signs at face value. Is this guy making an effort to talk and keep up with you? It’s best to recognize interest versus politeness. It will save you an embarrassing moment. When there is zero forward motion (asking to get you a drink, exchanging phone numbers, asking to see you again) assume he was bored or being polite.

How do we move on from rejection?…..

Ruminating about a rejection is the worst thing you can do. It’s best to feel safe in your little bubble, but rejection can happen no matter how careful you were. Getting rejected can cause you to feel insecure and not feel great about accepting a new date. Fight this feeling and keep swiping. Tell yourself it will be a funny story to tell later.

Rejection can be humbling….

You might have been on a hot streak and gotten a big head. Sometimes you need to come back down to earth and appreciate when a good date comes along. Not having a perspective makes all dates mundane.

Bottom Line….

Rejection is going to happen even when you are super careful. You will make rookie mistakes, especially when you are newly single and getting out there. Taking a temperature of the room is the first step. The best thing you can learn is self-awareness and picking up what people are putting down. Notice when you are the only one reaching out, and he is not moving things forward. On the bright side, rejection can be humbling and lets you appreciate when a great date comes along.

Confessions of a Chuckle-F*cker

I told you how to get a comic to notice you, what do you do when you actually get him? Truthfully, it’s not as glamorous and hilarious as you think it will be. He probably travels every weekend and your role is half-cheerleader, half-girlfriend. The most frustrating part is he probably doesn’t think you are the funny one in the relationship. I got a slap on the wrist (metaphorically) for “work shopping” his joke. I was dating a comedian at the time and learned real quick that this is not a group project. Here are some facts about dating a comedian…..

He travels…..

If he is local, he still travels around to other cities. Bigger comedians will be getting on planes to travel. This can be good and bad depending on your attachment style. Avoidants are probably the best fit, since you need your space. Any attachment style that is anxious will unravel every weekend.

His persona on stage is probably the opposite of his true personality…..

The mean insult comics are usually sweethearts off stage. When you perform you need to channel a character to get though it. On the flip side, the nice boy act could mean he is a pill to deal with in real life.

Rarely does he date female comedians…..

It certainly does happen. However, you don’t need to be threatened by his female comic friends. Mainly because men don’t really value humor the way women do. It isn’t a trait they necessarily look for, or need in a woman.

He might work you into his act…..

Jokes come from observations that surround him. You are around him a lot so he might decide to use something you said or did in a story. Whether it’s flattering or not ( real talk: it won’t be flattering).

Only comment on jokes if he seeks your opinion…..

Your role as girlfriend is to NOT to help him with his act. Sure, maybe some girlfriends do in certain dynamics. However, do not give him feedback when he isn’t asking. It will result in fights and him icing you out.

Ask why you want to date him…..

It’s easier to date then do. Are you living vicariously though him when in reality your dream is to get on stage? Really examine your true motives before you jump in and become his ghost writer. Just write your own jokes and be brave.

Bottom Line…..

Listen….I am very much projecting and generalizing. Of course there are comedians who adore their girlfriends and worship the ground they walk on. I will say they are the easiest group to approach in public after a show. Praise and flattery can get you everywhere as long as you look good. Most of the relationship will be blind trust and not every personality type can handle it. Your motive might be to be the comedian, not just date. Take a step back and figure out your true intentions before you get entangled in a relationship.

Why You Should Double Book

I am all about a time-saving hack, so it seems logical to get more bang for your buck with dates. Except…..that it is frowned upon when you do back-to-back dates. (Usually only the men are frowning though). I watched the episode of “Sex and the City” where Charlotte double books and horror ensues. It is a tricky social loop-de-loop with some dos and don’ts. How can you maximize your evening without being rude and blowing it with both men?

Don’t do a dinner or big time commitment……

Charlotte’s huge mistake was accepting a dinner date. Any date where you are stuck for hours is a no-go. You never know, the kitchen could be backed up or the head chef could get stabbed in the hand with a butcher knife. Stick to simple drinks or coffee and give yourself an hour or so with date number one.

Explain to date number one you have plans after…..

It’s kinder to give a date a head’s up so he doesn’t think you are dedicating your whole evening to him. Explain you will be meeting with a friend later on, but can still hang for a bit. It might be to your benefit to have a shorter date and seem busy.

The second date needs to be further away…..

The worst thing you can do is invite date number two to the same bar! At least go around the corner to a new bar or location. Your first date might circle back in or not leave. Wear an outfit that’s neutral so you don’t stand out; avoid loud patterns or colors. You want to blend in just in case he walks by.

Treat date number one as a warm-up……

Date number one should be the guy that is pretty low stakes. It’s more so a warm-up that leads you to being more relaxed with date number two. It can feel jarring to meet a stranger and you need time to get your nerves ironed out.

Bottom Line……

Think how much energy you will save by splitting your typical four-hour date in half. Speed- dating is nothing new and not a dating crime. Men don’t like it because you are beating the system. There is no reason to gloat and brag that you have to get to another date. Always say “friend” and try your best to go to a different location. Pace yourself with drinks and gracefully check your phone or set an alarm. Communicate before you meet that you have limited time, but don’t mind meeting up for a bit. Give yourself a grace period to get to the second location. When you end up on date number two you will be relaxed and not in robot interview mode.

Passing Ships In The Night

Sometimes in casual dating it can get a little…..too casual. The “I’ll see ya, when I see ya” attitude can be light and fun, until it isn’t. It could be a chronic re-scheduler or someone you have never met. Should you keep giving it a shot, or not entertain such dynamics?……

Why is there no actual plan?……

Ask yourself this first. It isn’t hard to pick a time and place. Yet, the “meet up with you later” guy doesn’t seem to have a calendar.

Is there a deeper meaning?…..

It has an air-of-fate and meant-to-be, bringing out your romantic side. Never meeting means the fantasy lives on with no crash of reality. It is easier pushing it off until next time.

Why does he hit me up and never follow through?…..

The most likely case is that he is dating multiple people (or worse case…cheating) and picked someone else over you. Men typically like the idea of options, like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter.

Should you text him while you are out?…..

This is totally up to you. The downside could be just wasted time where you are staring at your phone all night and not being present. He probably will run out the clock and the cycle starts again next weekend.

Does the clock start at meeting?….

There is a school of thought that nothing matters until you actually meet in person. In reality, you can be rejected before a first date. Thinking someone is a catch starts with the first impression. Yes, things change once you see each other in person. However, it’s the same as an audition. A casting director might not even choose you for an audition because you didn’t make the cut.

Do you block, ignore, have a talk?…..

After a certain point, it does get frustrating. I would say, match his energy and pace. Store those nuts for the winter for yourself. Casual dating can move at warp speed at times. Circumstances do change when people break up, or have more free time. However, it’s nothing to hang your hat on. It’s best to be far removed from the emotion of it all. Go with your gut feeling and acknowledge how much you are agonizing.

Bottom Line……

On the scale of casual, this type of “dating” falls under waving at a co-worker in the hall. You have built him up in your mind and have adopted a someday mindset. When you look at any gray area dating as abundance and options, then great! There is the old chestnut of “if he wanted to, he would have.” Tangible dating should be more of a priority and a time waster should be put on the back burner. Decide if keeping his phone number is worth doing or a big distraction.

Adopting a Social Personality

When I worked my service industry jobs I adopted my “work personality”. Our society sadly does not celebrate introverts. The costumer service personality is: friendly, willing to help, and peppy. In the dating world it’s best to have a “dating personality”. And yes…I know this sounds wrong or unfair (but I should be myself!!!!). However, if you are trying to be more social and meet men off the apps some changes in your vibe need to be made. If you have moved to a new city, started your first year of college, or just want a clean slate and get a better social circle here are some ways to navigate it……

What is bubbly?…..

There is a fine line between bubbly and loud and annoying. Truthfully it comes down to how you look and tone of voice. Dressing super gaudy and vulgar will force people to perceive you as “too much”. Bubbly has a quiet confidence and is understated. She doesn’t announce herself in the room, everyone already sees her.

Flirt in a cute way…..

Keep the siren sexual flirting to the pros. It’s better to be PG and charming. As long as you are smiling and having a good time that’s all you need.

Body language…..

Yes it matters! Sit up straight and walk tall. It will feel unnatural if you are used to slumping over while you sit. Eye contact is a huge thing! Force yourself to at least stare at the forehead if eye contact is too intense.

Being snarky and sarcastic is used as armor…..

It seems cool to flick your cigarette while trash talking. Yet, it’s very masculine. I had the mindset that cool is masculine. Being feminine has more power than being “one of the guys”. Charisma and charm is your super power. Also there is nothing wrong with holding off a sour mood. When you enter a social setting listen to that mood boosting song and stop your hamster wheel thoughts from continuing.

Go with a simple nickname…..

Sometimes it’s all about branding. Certain names get misheard or confused with another name. Consider going with a short nickname or your middle name. The shorter and more clear the better. It will ease your mind with introductions and your won’t get the dreaded, “sorry, what’s your name again?”

Self love isn’t just a buzzword…..

It’s an act of rebellion to love yourself. Our society encourages us to hate ourselves so we spend money on products. It’s all about your vibes and aura in social settings. A smile and eye contact goes a long way. Positivity moves you forward and negativity will put up a wall.

Bottom Line……

Do certain personalities prevail in dating and social settings? Yes!….It’s not about changing yourself or interests. You can still be an introvert, but practice being present. Eye contact and smiling while being apart of the conversation is all people want. They want to be heard and listened to. Introductions can be stressful when you have a confusing name. Decide if it’s better to go by a nickname or a middle name. Bubbly should be the goal for how you are perceived. Complaining and being an energy vampire will push people away. Breezy, light, fun, and sweet should be the adjectives that everyone describes you.

New Year’s Eve Kiss

It’s not real unless he spends New Year’s Eve with you….That has been my rule for many years and I still stand by it! The notion of sharing the first kiss of the year with someone is sacred. Even in a brand-new relationship it is crucial to spend New Year’s Eve together. It is telling the world and time itself that you are moving forward together into the next year. Here are four common excuses he can’t spend New Year’s Eve together……

He chose to be out of town…..

Sure, your boyfriend might have to go down to Florida for the holidays. New Year’s….his family doesn’t expect him to be there. Saying he will be back in town on the fourth indicates something fishy is happening.

He doesn’t want to celebrate at all…..

When everyone is going out or having a small get together and he insists on playing video games by himself… beware. He saying it’s an overrated holiday or anything of that nature should not be taken lightly.

He didn’t request off work…..

I mean… it happens that service industry folks or retail get the short end of the stick. Usually though, if you request off way in advance, they will give you the night off. He might be putting up the work buffer to avoid the whole night.

He is spending it with friends….

The squad has decided to go to Aspen…..without you. He planned this out before he met you, yet doesn’t want you to book your own ticket. You have to wonder who he is planning on kissing because it isn’t you.

Bottom Line….

Excuses come up a lot when holidays, birthdays, and New Year’s roll around. Starting the new year together has a lot of meaning. Going out in public or to a small get together in shiny outfits and a New Year’s tiara shows the world you are a couple. Some men don’t want to make that declaration, even if he asked you to be his girlfriend. He might brush it off saying it isn’t a big deal, “it’s an overrated holiday.” He knows it’s a big deal which is why he is avoiding it. When the excuse train leaves the station, decide if this relationship is even real. Maybe you need to have a clean slate for the New Year and dump him.

Tis’ The Season Of Cancellations

Besides the holidays, winter time is extremely difficult to plan dates. It’s the time of year when you will be cancelled on and stood up. (Who wouldn’t want to be in bed with fuzzy socks and a heater?) Cuffing season is made for times like this. People no longer have the patience to brave the cold to meet a stranger. What about the casual dater who doesn’t want to be cuffed?…..

Don’t accept Netflix and Chill dates?…..

It’s very tempting to head over to his place and then….”cuddle.” On his end, it shows that he is just being lazy and it won’t be a lasting arrangement (he is also a complete stranger). Keep a standard of actually going on dates even if it is cold outside. Men love an easy option; don’t be that. Once you do the home date, I guarantee there will be no special dates to impress you. Even if you want a FWB, there needs to be some courting, meaning public dates.

Dress for the weather…..

Yes, you can go outside if you dress for the weather. I like to keep an extra coat in my car in case the weather shifts. Go with a coat that goes with everything, same thing for hat and scarves. Stay away from the sporty look for dates such as puffy jackets or windbreakers. Elevate your look by wearing long pea coats, a trench, or a chic leather jacket.

Be open to a friends events….

A second- or third-tier friend may invite you to a party. This is the time of year when people are on winter break and have time to hang out. When work or school starts up again there will be fewer opportunities to meet friends in the outer circle.

Plan ahead…..

When I am already out and about it’s hard for me to go all the way home, then out again. I see my warm bed and it’s over. Be prepared to go on a date after you do errands and last minute shopping. Dress for the date ahead of time and wear makeup. However, still have a little pre-date with yourself to get out of the busy energy. Keep in mind that most bars close for the week of Christmas or have limited hours. Check websites or Instagram to figure out what places are open.

Pick a cozy date location…..

It’s more enticing if there are hot toddys and a crackling fire. Energy levels this time of year are low. This can be to your advantage because you will be less tempted to hang out for hours on a first date. It’s best to practice a solid 1-1/2 hour date to encourage a second date. Leave your date with a warm and fuzzy feeling. Don’t be a Scrooge.

Dates will be cancelled…..

Be prepared for some cancellations. Some people choose to delete the apps until the new year. Hometown friends take priority over a stranger on an app. See if he confirms at a reasonable time. As a last resort text him before you start getting ready. Worst case, if he cancels while you are driving to the location, then just go anyway. Don’t waste makeup on a cancellation. You can text a friend or see what the vibe is once you get there.

Spend more time with your FWB….

This is what he is here for. Hang out with him more and don’t stress about the perfect outfit and contour. Show up in comfy clothes and enjoy your time together. Give your fingers a break from swiping, especially if you are not getting asked out.

Bottom Line….

Winter is the slow season for dates. Most guys will be out of town or spending time with hometown friends. New dates take a back seat. Embrace the cozy vibes and spend time with your friends and family. Try to not blow up about the cancellations; it’s not worth the fuss. Get your face out there if you can. Once school and work starts for people you won’t be able to spend quality time together. Try to not look sloppy even while doing errands or shopping. You might be able to squeeze in an early evening date that can bring a mysterious and busy vibe.

“Girlfriend Material” Insecurity Over The Holidays

Getting into a casual dating pattern can go on for years. Mainly, it’s a different frame of mind while taking the pressure off of connecting with one guy. However, insecurity trickles in, “why does he insist on keeping it casual?” This type of insecurity can creep up when you try to explain your dating status to friends. It doesn’t feel good when your friend can’t stop gushing about her husband and you can’t get Tucker to text you back. The holidays can bring out the insecurity more since extended family want to know your relationship status. It’s also engagement season; most friends will show off a shiny rock next to a glowing tree on Instagram. What can we do to feel content single, or what’s the move to shift into being taken seriously?…..

Is becoming the girlfriend a true win?…..

Dating can sometimes feel like a fight to the finish line. The title and label are more important than the actual health of the relationship. It’s rare these days to get a guy to commit. The options of the apps helps people to relax a little about the role of relationships. So, it’s even more of a sense of pride if he wants to become exclusive.

Why not me?….

If you are ALWAYS in casual, it does sting. The fantasy is that you meet a man on a date and he instantly falls in love. Think about what you’re putting out there from your app profile to how you come across in person. Guys pick up on casual vibes from women, especially those who don’t know what they want with dating. Not saying you have to say you want to meet your husband. Just be clear you aren’t looking to hook up; the f*ckboys will retreat.

What if we meet the guy we want as a boyfriend…..

At the beginning, major decisions need to be made. Do you want to go down casual road or commitment highway? You can’t start out casual and expect things to change. Pump the brakes at the very beginning. It is not a fun or enjoyable process, more like wearing a ballgown. You can’t expect it to feel like fuzzy pajamas. This is not just withholding sex, it’s training him to treat you well. When I met my soon-to-be college boyfriend, it took soooo much training for me to not become the late night hook-up girl. He would text me every night to come to his dorm to ” hang out” at midnight. It was a challenge because I was very attracted to him. Sure, you can totally be the “exception.” For the rest of us, you have to plan your strategy.

Men throw dates into buckets….According to YouTuber, Shallon Lester, men have buckets they place you in (casual, girlfriend, friends). It’s rare that he is “unsure of his feelings.” He knows how he feels. Men who tell you this are keeping you around as an option. Listen to what he is telling you!

It’s better to show up empty-handed then with the wrong guy…..

I have been to countless events single: my sister’s wedding, my art shows, every holiday for the past decade. Honestly, it feels better to represent myself instead of bringing a guy who wants to leave the second he gets there.

Comparing can help you figure out your desires…..

Comparison is the “thief of joy,” as most people say. However, gut reactions can steer you to what you truly want. Watching your best friend getting engaged can trigger you to have an inner panic. Jealously can be very telling to your true inner feelings. You might have been hiding and convincing others you are just the fun girl, but deep down you want a committed partner. However, separate the spectacle of receiving attention and praise. Go deeper and figure out where the jealously is coming from.

Bottom Line…..

Everyone wants to feel special. Being the only single girl in the group can be difficult. The priority is how men are treating you no matter the situation. It’s not worth having the boyfriend if it’s abusive and always on the rocks. If you are ALWAYS in casual land, you need to tighten your boundaries. Be ok with saying no and believe that you are worth the wait to get to know. Remember the holidays will pass and the new year is a great time to wipe the slate clean.