Is Long Distance Worth It?

In my 20s, I was willing to travel for boys, probably because I had more energy and an ingénue spirit. So, I did get involved in some long-distance relationships. I didn’t date anyone who lived across the country so I can’t speak to that. I consider driving for an hour or more as long-distance. This can even mean you live in the same city. These days, when I match on Tinder I hesitate to swipe on guys who live an hour or so away. I have had matches who lived an hour-plus away come to my city for a first date. I felt immense pressure to make the date perfect since he wasted gas to see me. It’s a lot of effort for a thing that probably won’t work out. However, if you meet someone who is amazing and he happens to live far away, here are some tips to keep in mind before you get in too deep….

Don’t travel to him all the time…..

It’s important to not be the social dictator and traveler – He needs to make the effort to visit you. “The Rules” say to let him travel to you at least three times before you visit him. It should be unbalanced with him making the most effort.

Men can be super lazy- It’s easy to order you like a pizza while he lounges on the couch.

A man will always try to convince you to move to his town- If he doesn’t care either way about how things play out, he will suggest you move to him eventually.

He will always blame car or transportation issues for not traveling to you- I have heard all the excuses. Once you suggest that he come to you, then all of the sudden, the wheels fall off his car. It’s the most logical excuse for you to cave and travel to him. Don’t fall for it.

Your relationship might be stuck on the fast-forward button…..

It’s so easy to race to the finish line before you are ready- You want every interaction to count, so the relationship will move fast.

This can mean the relationship will burn out- You are more likely to run the relationship to the ground and not be able to pace out interactions.

You might make the mistake of asking about the future too soon- It’s understandable to want to know where you stand before you waste time and energy, but it also will cause constant relationship anxiety.

He could easily cheat on you- You have to blindly trust he is being faithful.

If you hear the phrase, “don’t move for me”….break up….

This happened to me when I was dating a guy who lived an hour-plus away. I started to make more of an effort to see him. It was a lot of trouble giving up my weekends to travel to him. After a few months of this, I felt that it might be a good idea to eventually move to his city. He responded with, “don’t move for me”….Really? Then why are we dating?

The more you invest, the more you will lose….

In another long distance relationship, I traveled two hours to see my boyfriend. At the time, he was living with his mom. I wanted the relationship to work so badly that I would overstay my welcome until his mom couldn’t take it anymore. I was so determined to keep the relationship afloat that I pissed off everyone in the process. He ended up dumping me and going out with a girl in his town.

Can a long-distance relationship work?…..

If it’s temporary – Let’s say you have been dating for a while, then he needs to travel to another county for two months. I feel this can work since he is coming back. It’s not a good idea to start the relationship long- distance. You won’t have a foundation to stand on and get to know the real him.

If you are terrified of commitment – Sometimes men or women just like to know they have a significant other. There might be intimacy issues, or a buffer before taking in-person dating seriously with others. It’s a safe situation and it feels validating to say you are not single.

If he lives across the country- This totally sounds counter-intuitive, yet there will be less flaking when a plane ticket is purchased.

Long distance costs more money….

Sure, he might offer you gas money, but maybe he won’t. Also, you are probably doing more activities versus sitting on the couch watching Netflix. This in turn costs money. For couples with deep pockets it might be totally fine to book that plane ticket or fill up the gas tank. If money is an issue, then this type of relationship is not sustainable.

He should be planning to move to you or making a sacrifice….

Again, be cautious about him suggesting you move to him; it may mean that he cares very little about you uprooting your life. Jobs do factor into decisions, yet it can also be an easy excuse. He needs to be making the tough decisions, not just allowing you to move to him.

Prioritize local dates over long distance….

You might run into a scenario where you get asked by two guys for the same day. One lives an hour and a half away and the other lives locally. Always pick the local guy. The long-distance guy can be pushed back for another time. You need to bump up local guys to first class since there is actual hope for the future. You can even tell matches that you are trying to date guys in your town for now.

Is your “long-distance relationship” real?…..

With the help of online dating you can pretty much have a relationship that lives in your phone. You might talk about deep traumatic things and hopes of the future. The only thing missing is you have not met in person. He might say that it’s not the right time. There is always an excuse attached to it. The problem with this is you are convinced he is your boyfriend. You will waste months and even years talking on the phone and obsessing about what his texts mean. It’s not a real relationship unless there are in-person dates and real effort. The worst situation is you are giving up all men for a few phone calls and some text messages. A fantasy relationship can be common. The worst case scenario is he is a catfish or a con artist. In the micro sense, he might not be as funny or your vibe in person. You might build him up to be this amazing guy when he is not.

Bottom Line….

Long-distance relationships are the most regrettable. You will invest the most travel, time, and money without being on the same page. It’s extremely hard to build a relationship through the phone. If it’s temporary and you already built the foundation, it can work out. My biggest piece of advice would be to have him be the inconvenienced one. If he is willing to fill up the gas tank and make actual plans, it’s a better sign. See how much he invests and wants to move the relationship along. If he is constantly asking you to travel to him and do all the work, he isn’t serious about you.

Speaking In Story And Feeling

A good storyteller paints a picture and draws an audience in. If you watch any stand-up comedian, a good story has vivid details, twists and turns, and even a “call back,” meaning bringing up a point you made earlier to tie into the payoff of the story. How we communicate though the apps or on a date is crucial. People can come across as very boring by just stating facts. In masculine-energy mode, communication is direct and to the point. With flirting, you want to take a guy on an adventure with your words. It’s hard for most women to be in her body and in the present moment. Most of our stories are timelines (where we went to school; on this date we got divorced; yesterday we ate a turkey sub). But how did the turkey sub make you feel? I kid, but that’s the idea–it’s more about speaking with emotions and not logic. Most of the time we have to unlearn speaking in our masculine mode. Probably along the way, you had a boss or boyfriend who couldn’t stand your emotions or wanted you to “speak logically.” What can we do to untangle our thinking towards speaking in our feminine energy?…..

Story telling…..

Speaking in stories on dates is important. The Charisma Quotient podcast titled, “Reasons you’re not progressing in love,” Kimmy explains to a client the importance of storytelling. Once the workday is done, it’s time to switch to thinking “in feeling.” For example, a match or date asks,”have you traveled abroad?” Instead of, “Yeah, I visited Ireland back in 2017. It was a work trip,” say instead, “Omg! I went to Ireland a few years back. I have never seen a greener country! The water was crystal clear and the grass was an emerald green. It was breathtaking!” Saying it this way opens up more questions on his end.

Positivity opens doors; negativity closes them…..

Misery loves company, yet it can slam a door shut for future communication. Sure you can bond over stuff you hate, but you have to bring positivity and be funny, too. No one really likes a snarky person as a love interest. It will put you in the friend zone or the casual zone. A dream partner is uplifting, fun to be around, and has almost a childlike view of the world.

How long should a story be…..

A story can be a sentence. Just because it’s a story doesn’t mean it has to be an hourlong tale. When you are answering questions it should open up new topics that you are sharing. It can even smoothly transition him into asking you on a date. It’s easier to go from you gushing about tacos and him suggesting he take you to his favorite food truck.

Stories should stay in the positive past…..

If it’s a story about your past, again keep it positive. This isn’t an opportunity to tell your childhood trauma. Paint yourself in a good light. And it’s not about him rolling on the floor laughing either. It’s him getting a gage about what you like and little tidbits about your past. He doesn’t want to think you are bitter or resentful of the hand you were dealt.

Listen to your physical tone of voice…..

This is often overlooked. Sometimes, a tone of voice can be a turnoff. If you sound like the teacher in the movie “Ferris Bueller,” it won’t be attractive. I mean yea, obviously you are given the voice you were born with (don’t fake a British accent). Yet, tone of voice and inflections can sound different when a person is excited or bored. Your tone of voice gets higher if you are happy and excited and lower and scatchy if you are tired. If you are unsure of how you sound, record yourself with a voice note. We can’t hear our voice since our ears are on the side of our head. In our mind we think we sound sultry, but the reality is it’s low and monotone.

Practice speaking in feeling….

Practice a few rhetorical phrases alone in your room out loud. “It’s so chilly in this room I want to find my cozy blanket.” Or, “I’m so hungry I would kill for a cheesy slice of pizza right now.” Speaking in the present might feel silly or a waste of breath. However, you are recognizing what you are feeling in the present moment in your body, not your head.

You are allowed to rewrite your story…..

Not saying you should make up a story or lie. But let’s say you went to Cabo ten years ago on spring break and you had a miserable time for most of it. You were fighting with your college roommate and she called dibs on the guy you liked. I bet you had a day where the sun was shining and you went to the beach and had a blast. You have poetic license to only mention the good parts of the story. It doesn’t mean you are lying, it just means you are only bringing to light the nice parts of the story.

Bottom Line…..

Never feel pressured to be an award-winning storyteller. The most important thing is to be in the present moment and express your feelings and emotions. It can help you down the road if you are in an argument. You can speak with your emotions or how his words made you feel, instead of shutting him out. If you are naturally funny then great, but it’s more about being in tune with observing your surroundings. You are allowed to edit things with your past stories, but you don’t need to tell the gritty details. The most important thing is to sound interesting and make him feel comfortable enough to open up. Maybe your sentence-of-a-story prompts him to tell a story he has never told anyone. Overall, be positive and don’t slip into resentment or complaining. Everyone loves a positive person and that’s the kind of partner he will want around.

Filler Dates

Not every date has to be about finding your soul mate. Sometimes, “filler dates” are a great way to practice being social and to alleviate dating anxiety. Who knows, maybe he is cooler than you thought! A filler date usually happens when a guy is pushing a date, but you are meh about him. Obviously, if he a total jerk, he doesn’t deserve a date at all. These are the “take it or leave it,” no skin-in-the-game guys. If you have a hot date coming up, a filler date a day before can take the pressure off and give you some practice if you are rusty. So, how should you handle these types of dates and how do you know you wound up on a filler date?…..

What are filler dates?….

Filler dates are just dates out of boredom or practice (this in itself is not a dating crime. You should be going on a few filler dates here and there to practice social skills and to not get rusty). You can tell if you are the filler date by the time of day or the location. Weekdays in the afternoon are questionable even if you are sitting down to beers. Another example is taking you to a non-date location. These include: going on an errand, taking his dog for a walk, grabbing coffee. If he is multitasking, it’s not a real date.

So, day dates are the kiss of death?….

Coffee dates are more so the kiss-of-death. I mean, he might be newly sober, etc., but just doing a quick meet up during the day means he is unsure about you or it’s a filler date. The only exception to a day-date is if something cool is happening during the day like a local fair or a beach date.

How do you take advantage of a filler date?…..

If he blindsided you into a filler date, then make the most of it. Really test out those flirting skills and body language. Speak in “story and feelings” by being in your feminine energy. Resist speaking in facts or bragging. You have to work that muscle because it won’t magically appear on your hot date. You will be nervous and go back into your default communication style.

Keep it short….

Do not waste a whole afternoon on a filler date. Give him maybe an hour or so, then get on with your day. He probably asked out of boredom or he wanted someone to go to lunch with. He could also be from out of town and wanted a tour guide.

Still expect him to pick up the tab…..

Normally, if it’s a filler date on his end, he will push a coffee or tea date. He doesn’t want to make a financial investment. Although, for God’s sake he should pay for your $3 coffee. If he doesn’t offer, then treat it like meeting a new friend. He could be someone platonic you hang with down the road.

Again, it’s all about practice….

Dating is improv–you need to be able to think fast on your feet with whatever is thrown at you. A challenging situation will help you navigate a real date with ease. It’s about practicing poise and not going into reactive mode.

Don’t pick a filler date over a real date….

If you have a choice of picking a filler date versus a real date, always go with the real one. Filler dates should only be gone on if it’s a dry period, or again if you need to take pressure off the hot date coming up.

Should you still do a pre-date?….

I still think you need a “pre-date” time with yourself. Be at a nearby location (check your messages, go to the bathroom, apply more perfume, pop a mint). You can always cut the time in half to 20 minutes to “get in the zone.” Listen to a pre-date hype playlist, or a ten-minute mediation with your headphones. Shake off the worry brain and get in your body.

Bottom Line…..

We all need practice dates. You gain confidence by doing things over and over. If you nail the first date like a pro, then that big date with your crush will be less daunting. This doesn’t mean you should be going on a ton of these types of dates. Still be selective–if a guy is hounding you for a date and you have a free afternoon, then go for it. Again, you don’t have to say yes to every filler date that comes your way. Take advantage of the situation and practice dating communication: flirting, being feminine, talking in stories and feelings. The better your communication and social skills, the better you will be at making great first impressions in any social situation.

Thirst Traps

I feel a “thirst trap” can be more about expressing how sexy you are on your terms, not trying to impress a crush. A lot of celebrities do the occasional thirst trap on their Instagram. Moderation is key; make sure your feed doesn’t look like an “Only Fans.” I actually prefer to do selfies if my makeup looks perfect or I walked out of a salon. It does not have to be provocative to get attention. As a freelance photographer, I dabbled in boudoir photography. I have some tips to keep things creative and fun…..

What exactly is a “thirst trap”?…..

According to Urban Dictionary the formal definition of a thirst trap is: “A sexy photograph or flirty message posted on social media for the intent of causing others to publicly profess their attraction….”

Where do you post a thirst trap?….

Try your best to not post them on your Instagram grid. Nothing wrong with the occasional cute selfie on your personal Instagram, but if every photos is a, “look how hot I am!” pic, it’s a little try-hard. I personally like my thirst traps to be temporary as a story on Snapchat. It’s up to 24 hours, you get the attention, then poof, it’s gone. I feel Snapchat is more of the platform for it, rather than Instagram. However, post where you will get immediate heart and fire emojis, or else what’s the point?

What are your assets?…..

Some of you have long legs or abs that you worked hard to get–bring that to the focus. You don’t have to be nude. It’s actually better to wear lingerie or even a tee-shirt. Again, it doesn’t have to be a full-body shot; it can be a well-crafted selfie.

Full-length mirror….

Speaking of the full-length mirror, it’s the best way to get a full-body shot that you can control. It can help to know what angles are working before you click the button. If you don’t have a full-length mirror, you can use the program “photo booth” on a Mac. It counts down so you can hold the pose.

Lighting….

Shadows and light give the photograph that artsy element. You are not showing all the goods and it’s a way to cover what does not need to be seen. Play around with what lights you have. A bendy desk lamp works great to give that dark noir lighting; turn it black and white for the full effect. You can also buy a “beauty light” that you can hook on your computer to get that smoothing light effect for selfies.

Add a prop….

A prop, such as costume jewelry, a large hat, or opera gloves can add a playful element to the photo, like a throwback Hollywood glamour photo.

Do your hair and makeup…..

There are a million makeup tutorials to watch on YouTube. Get inspired and don’t be afraid of color or glitter. Wear your hair down or even put on a wig.

Angles…..

If you are only focusing on the face, always lie down. For some reason, the camera can distort your face when you are upright.

Filters, filters, filters….

Snapchat has goofy filters and filters that make you look gorgeous. I used to think men would call me out, saying I look fake, but I would say I have received the opposite response. Hot is hot, and at the end of the day men rarely care what it took to get there. So use those filters. Obviously, don’t distort your face where people won’t recognize you, but a simple beauty filter can do wonders.

Don’t try to be sexy for him….

I had a few clients in the boudoir photography days who would throw on a sports jersey or a men’s tie. You can totally do this, but I found it’s a little, “look at me, I’m one of the boys!” It just seemed a little too catered to his interests. However, a large men’s crisp button-down is a classic and always looks great.

Post it, send it to that guy, or show no one…..

Yes, it’s called a “thirst trap,” so I guess you want someone to see it. But hey, you don’t have to show anyone and most importantly, you don’t need validation that you are sexy. You also don’t have to spend hours doing a shoot; it can be a simple selfie that you slap a beauty filter on. But the time and effort spent on a sexy shoot for yourself is all part of the fun.

Bottom Line…..

Thirst traps can be innocent. There should be no pressure to make them sexual. Every once in a while to get a boost, I like to post a Snap if my eyeliner looks perfect that day, or if I just left the salon. Usually when I send out that Snap the boys will be asking me out and it can get the ball rolling for new dates. However, you don’t need Tucker from Tinder to send you a fire emoji to feel sexy. There is a great episode of “Sex and the City” where Samantha gets a nude portrait done of her framed and hung in her home. So yes, show off your sexy self for you, not for some guy or to get more Instagram followers.

Valentine’s Day For Singles

Valentine’s Day can be rough for single people. Maybe it’s because in elementary school you were required to give out mini-Valentine’s cards with a Hershey’s kiss taped to it that always said a generic thing with zero-romantic connotation. Then once we reached high school, we had to watch girls with boyfriends who left a red rose on her desk. Nowadays, things haven’t really changed. You might receive a Valentine’s Day card from your mom and a confusing text from your ex….

What should you do on Valentine’s Day if you are single?…..

Some towns have events meant for singles- It could be a dance party or just nice drink specials. One year, I went to a music show that was themed as a 1950s-sock hop, with paper-heart decorations and everything. You never know with whom you might strike up a conversation.

One year I had my tarot read- It was a fun experience and, obviously, I asked about my love life.

What should you avoid?……

Going on a first date- Yes, it sounds romantic, yet it’s full of pressure. If it ends poorly, you will feel worse than any other date.

Third-wheeling on your friend’s date- This happened to me in college. My roommate forced herself into my romantic dinner plans with my boyfriend. It felt rude and ruined my night just to make hers a tiny bit better.

Texting your ex- Yea…never a good idea, but on this day you will feel way worse.

Staying at home vs. being social……

My vote is to be social. Even if you go out for a little bit, you will feel better. Don’t go to a restaurant; stick to bars or cafés. The restaurants will be full of couples overpaying for a fixed menu. Remember to treat yourself–this day is not about being frugal. If you decide to skip going out altogether, then make it special. Order your favorite take-out and watch a funny stand-up special, especially one where you can commiserate with the comic. My favorites are Aziz Ansari specials! He talks a lot about modern love and even has a book called, “Modern Romance.”

Don’t expect a text from that guy you are seeing casually…..

Guys make an effort not to confuse women. He knows if he texted on Valentine’s, then it would come up in a fight about exclusivity later on. Do not reach out to him.

On the same note, you will find out his true feelings…..

Maybe you don’t know where you stand with a guy. Instead of having “the talk” too early, see what he does on the day. Does he want to see you? (Yes, he knows what day it is.) Don’t be the social dictator by asking him to hang out or inviting yourself over. If he does nothing, or invites you over for a booty call, nothing extra, then decide if you want to continue dating him.

It’s tempting to throw a pity party for yourself…..

This can be fine as long as you don’t involve social media or your ex. Don’t write weird, passive-aggressive things on Twitter or Facebook. In fact, try to not scroll on Instagram as much. It’s better to turn off your phone for a night than calling out a fuck-boy or a guy who recently ghosted, or trying to make last-minute plans with a guy who isn’t interested. This isn’t your green light to break down in tears at your local bar and wince at every couple who holds hands around you. If you are going to be a loose cannon, then plan on staying home. Plan ahead, buy snacks, a bottle of bubbly, and fancy chocolate. Think of it as a self-love holiday.

Beware of players trying to play…..

Slimy men know that the day before Valentine’s and the day of will have desperate women. They will swoop in your Snapchat and beg to see your beautiful face and come over because it’s not like you have plans anyway, right? Don’t fall for it. Yes, you might feel left out and it does kind of suck to be reminded that you are single. It doesn’t mean you should humiliate and degrade yourself. Alone doesn’t mean lonely; stay strong and remember to turn off your phone.

Bottom Line…..

Don’t be that bitter single girl. I have been in relationships on Valentine’s and the guys would totally drop the ball. It’s way better to not have a boyfriend than one who disappoints you. If there is something going on, then go out! If you decide to stay in, then indulge and treat yourself. Remember to not go on a first date. It’s a rom-com plot gone wrong and will sting harder if it doesn’t work out. If you are in a weird gray area with a guy, see if he does anything on the day. If he completely ignores you, then it was intentional. It’s not because he forgot it was February 14th.

The Long Game and Dating Momentum

Timing is crucial in laying the groundwork for a relationship. This does not mean that things should be rushed. First impressions are the most important thing in the long game. It can take a while to know the perfect opportunity, whether he is in your class or you see him around town. Momentum is what happens after you get the date. Yet, time isn’t always on your side…..

What is the long game?……

Sometimes dating hurtles are exterior. The old-school way of dating is completely foreign to the quick-app culture. If you have a crush on a guy you see around town, a first impression is key. This is why it takes a long time. The problem is what might start out as a romantic notion can turn into a fantasy relationship. This could be fine as long as it doesn’t consume your life and prevent you from meeting new men. Here are some tips to lay the groundwork for the long game…

Do your research- If it’s possible to find him on social media, then do it discreetly. Do not do this on Linked-in (it will notify if someone looks at a profile). What you need to figure out is if he is single, and surface-level information.

Do you have friends in common- After doing online snooping you might discover some overlap in mutual friends. This is great because the best case situation is you will be introduced.

Is he in the public eye- I do not encourage stalking. Yet, if he is in a local band, I don’t see the harm in wearing a cute outfit, going to his show, and feeling things out.

Speaking of stalking- However, if you find out he works at the local ice-cream shop, do not show up to his shift. You won’t get a genuine response since he is treating you like a customer.

If he is in your class- It’s never a good idea to pursue. So, don’t ask him about the homework. If he notices you, then great; if not, let it go.

If he is a co-worker- Just don’t. Unless he has put in his 2-week notice it’s not worth it.

What is dating momentum?…..

Hey, it’s hard to get an introduction. It’s another mountain to climb to get a relationship off the ground. Pacing for a relationship is super important and it needs to come from you, not him. Hopefully, you are in a situation where he is smitten and wants to see you all the time. Then you can control the pace by pulling back….What happens when obstacles get in your way?

Vacations- holidays can bring a budding relationship to a halt. If you go on one date and it’s the holiday season…look out. In general, it’s hard to get a second date. Don’t be surprised if it fizzles out.

He doesn’t live in your town- Sure, you say you will eventually meet, but you probably won’t. If he is willing to go on a date, beware of him just wanting a fun night.

You are long distance- Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and makes you forget. A relationship that started long distance will probably stay virtual, resulting in boredom.

No transportation- It depends on what type of town you live in, but cars are fundamental in seeing each other. If he is a cyclist or doesn’t own a car, he will make you come to his side of town for every date. This builds resentment that will stop the relationship from building. He might even push it by using you as a free Uber driver.

He travels for work- I was in a situation where I went on a first date which I thought it went well, but every time I said hello he was across the country. This type of guy might be telling the truth, or he doesn’t want to get off the couch.

Age differences- Life arenas factor into successful relationships. Sure, you can totally date a younger or older guy. Yet, if your lifestyles are too different, there is no common ground to build off of.

The calendar- Going back to the holidays, when the relationship starts matters. If it’s too close to Valentine’s Day, it can throw things off balance. You expect way more than you would if it started in April.

Bottom Line…..

The two things that make a relationship come alive are chemistry and timing. Some hurtles can be jumped over, and some cannot. If you are going for the long game, first impressions matter the most. Do your research and show up to his improv night in a cute outfit and a positive attitude. You still need to keep in mind that he probably did notice you, yet wasn’t interested enough to approach you. So, there is no need to plant yourself in his line of vision. Sure, it’s silly to postpone a date if it’s February, just go on the date and see what happens. This day and age, it’s commonplace to cancel dates if there is an obstacle in the way. If he does step it up and jump over hurtles to be with you, it shows he actually cares.

Sober Dating

In recent years, I think it’s been popular to choose a mocktail over a boozy drink. Some people choose to be sober for short periods of time such as in “Dry January.” I have experience with being sober and going on Tinder dates. If you have decided to embrace the life of sobriety temporarily or for the long haul, here are some tips to get you by for a date…..

Don’t just meet for coffee- Atmosphere plays a huge role in setting the tone for a date. Bright light is not always your friend in making a first impression.

You can still go to a bar- Unless this is too traumatic then skip it, but if you feel up for it then go. Again it’s all about atmosphere.

Tell a white lie- It’s totally fine to say you have an early meeting the next day so you won’t be drinking. Use this white lie sparingly.

Act alert, stay engaged, be present- This is a tip I would give to any date. You can’t be pouty and zone out. Be an active participant on the date. A boring story will be more boring because there will be no tipsy filter.

Is honesty the best policy with a Tinder date?……

Most people who haven’t tried a sober date will tell you to be honest, but….they have not experienced it firsthand. In a casual Tinder-type date, I would advise you NOT tell your date that you are sober. On the first few dates, it’s none of his business and telling it may open up too personal a story of why you quit drinking. I have tried to be honest and upfront with men in the past and have had bad results. The whole date centered around why I didn’t drink. It felt like an intense interrogation. On top of that, we never got to the “getting to know you” stage of the date because all the focus went to why I wasn’t drinking. Some men need you to be drunk because it takes pressure off them to entertain and impress you. Another reason to not spill the beans is that some men will peer pressure you. Besides all that, most Tinder dates are “one and done” situations and there is no need to go so personal and deep. Obviously, do what it comfortable. Be honest if you feel it’s the right situation. When you go on multiple dates you will get tired of telling people you are sober.

How to fake it….

Again, if this is a casual Tinder date, you can bypass all the questioning by faking it. If you are looking for your next boyfriend and plan on being sober long term, then go for a guy who does not drink or rarely drinks……

Get to the bar before him- Ask the bartender for a seltzer water with a slice of lime. If he puts it in a plastic glass, tell him to put it in a real glass. (Have a chat with him if he is friendly. Let him know you are doing a Dry challenge). Sit down and act natural. If your date asks if you want a refill, say not yet. Wait until he goes to the bathroom and get another one. You can also bring a small can of ginger ale in a large purse. Order yourself a (cheap) bottle of beer before your date arrives. Go to the bathroom and dump the beer down the sink. Replace it with ginger ale, sit back down.

Can you casually date while sober?…..

Honestly, it’s more difficult. Awkward situations will be more awkward and you won’t have any motivation to go out and meet guys at bars. Drinking and first moves go hand in hand. You will realize you only hooked up with guys while you were drunk. It will make you feel like you are back in high school going on your first date ever.

Can a sober person and a drinker work?…..

It’s all about being flexible. He doesn’t have to fully adapt to your lifestyle, although in the same vein, he can’t expect you to close down the bar at 2 a.m. If the situation is temporary, like a Dry January, he needs to make an effort to not drink around you.

What if he says he is sober and you drink?…..

See if he suggests an actual date…..Some men lie and say they are sober to avoid paying for you. Lunch or dinner is acceptable, or taking you to an outdoor art exhibit. He has to work a little harder than meeting for tea. I had a guy one time almost buy my tea (which is $2), but then decided to just share his hot water instead….what a gentleman.

Sober men won’t tolerate a woman who drinks…..

Speaking from experience, he isn’t going to be adaptable. Even if you offer that the bar has coffee or mocktails, he will break the date. This could be for cultural reasons, or he is in early recovery and can’t be tempted.

On the plus side, it might be refreshing to go on a sober date….

Getting drunk on dates over and over leads to bad decisions. When you are sober, you can slow down and really listen to him, while not being tempted to take things further. Yet, it can be nerve-wrecking. I say whatever happens before the date is your business. If you need a glass of wine to chill, your secret is safe with me. Just don’t drink on the actual date. Or… take the plunge and go full sober. You might be surprised how you feel and be proud how brave you were.

Bottom Line……

Even if he is sober, he needs to set up the date. If money is not spent on you, it’s a red flag. Going on different type of date, such as going to play miniature golf, might be out of your comfort zone. There is no harm in pre-gaming, if needed. Obviously, don’t show up slurring your words or stumbling. If you are a regular drinker and he is sober, it’s rare that he will want take things further than a first date.

Drinking can lose it’s appeal when it results in hangovers and calling out of work. As we get older, alcohol takes a toll on our body. It’s pretty normal for people to leave the party scene behind and only go out sparingly. Sometimes, people need to take a break from it. In casual dating this can cause conflict and judgment. It will bring out his insecurity that he has to work harder and put in more effort to impress you. You might want to settle in and get into a stable relationship. Either way, do not let other people derail you from your sobriety. This is a journey that needs supportive friends that will keep you on your path.

The Friend Zone

When you are crazy and obsessed with a guy, you will accept any interaction with him. Sometimes, the “friend zone” happens after a relationship is over. Other times, it happens right off the bat. There really is nothing you can do to get out of a friend-zone situation. If a man you have been on a few dates with wants to be friends, it’s a huge red flag. He either is trying to be a nice guy by letting you down easy, or he is dating for the ego. Yes, female and male friendships exist, but that’s not what I am talking about. Being put in the friend zone is when you intended to date, then the guy didn’t want a romantic relationship…..

I have been put in the friend zone for years and tried desperately to crawl out of it….

Spoiler alert…. it didn’t work – I read countless advice on the Internet about how to make him see you as a romantic interest. The concluding advice was to “get hotter, and change your personality.”….right.
I used to think wanting to be friends was a compliment – At first, you think that his liking you for your personality is super flattering. However, after some time, he will fully lose interest in talking to you when you thought he was your new BFF.
When he says “friends” he means “friendly”- There is a big difference. He really just doesn’t want to be the bad guy or have you mad at him.

How do you know you are in the friend zone…

He tells you he wants to be friends – yea, sometimes there is no mystery.
He constantly talks about other women – This can be a subtle tactic to tell you he has his eyes on other girls.
He uses you as a therapist – He only texts you when it is a crisis or he had a bad day at work.
He never pays for you – He always makes a point to split everything, even cheap things.
You are always last on his priority list – He will only hang out if he has nothing going on or someone canceled.
You are always reaching out to him – Men have no motivation to keep up with a girl they have no intention of sleeping with.
He will turn you down a lot to hang out – he might cancel or just say he is busy.

Men put women in categories from the beginning – There are girls who they sleep with, girlfriend material, and friends….

Women are able to think in less simple and more fluid terms. I believe a woman can have her mind changed and can see a man in a different light. Men have a harder time with this. Right off the bat he will know what he wants from you.

How do you respond to him wanting to be friends?….

The book, “The Rules,” has great advice on this – Simply say that you already have plenty of friends and then walk away. A man is demoting you and it’s not a compliment. So, don’t buy into it; just cut your losses.

Sure, maybe you actually do want to be just friends – You need to not be wishy-washy about this. Decide if you want him to be your friend or not. Compromising just to have him in your life will backfire

Bottom Line…

Life is short. I think getting in the friend zone can waste years of your life. Same goes for not listening to a guy who doesn’t actually want to be with you. It might sting and you might feel some kind of way after he confesses he is still in love with his ex. However, you have the power to decide what he means to you going forward. Do you want to keep him as a casual friend or just cut your losses? This can be a very difficult decision to make when you are crazy about a guy. You have to remember that men will always tell you from the beginning what they are looking for. What you do with that information is up to you.

The Liking Complex

It’s easy to play hard to get with a man you aren’t that interested in. There is a shift when you actually have feelings. The power dynamic has changed. A lot of the time there is a complaint that the guys you like never like you back…why? Believe it or not, we treat a guy we like way differently than a guy we don’t like. Our energy of desperation can seep out in unique ways…..

How do we know we have a crush?….

A lot of the time it’s easy to fall for a guy from afar. Your actual attraction might be him simply not giving you the time of day. Women fall for the chase, too. Honestly, I feel that women fall for it more because it involves a fantasy relationship.

How do we sabotage the relationship?….

Sometimes, it’s easier for us to hear a “no” rather than silence. If a guy likes you, he will figure out a way to talk to you. He will track you down on social media or start a conversation in person.

Don’t tell your friends who your crush is….

If he is a guy you see a lot in person, do not tell your friends you have a crush on him. Friends will mean well (or some just might want the entertainment ) and tell you to go up and talk to him. You will feel pressure from friends, go up to him, then feel immediate regret. Save your dignity and don’t mention that your crush is in the room.

Why we should treat all men the same….

If he knows you like him, then he might take advantage of that and have zero sense of urgency to text you. You act interested in person if he takes you on dates. Anything other than that is overdoing it.

If he hasn’t reached out, let it go….

It’s not because he doesn’t have your number. It’s extremely easy to find someone on Facebook or Instagram. If it’s a case of a guy you frequently see in person, but have never spoken with, don’t strike up a conversation. First of all, you don’t know if he is married or gay, etc. Even if you think a simple question is harmless, it could cause a lot of embarrassment if he immediately rejects you or ignores you. I have been in a few of those situations where I was having a carpe diem-type day. I would strike up a conversation and then after a certain point, I felt like a bar fly. Sometimes it can work for a short period and then you feel it is a silly rule to not be able to strike up a conversation. Unfortunately, the guy will not pursue you further and you will end up being confused.

It’s so tempting to make the first move…

When I like a guy, I tend to get an uncontrollable urge to text or to send a DM. It’s like something comes over me that I have no control over. A rush will come over me when I see that the message is seen. It’s like playing Russian roulette. It’s a rush because you never know the outcome and you know you are doing something wrong. To avoid this, do not save the numbers of your crushes in your phone. Keep the platforms of communication simple. For men you don’t care about, give out snapchat. With your crush, give out your phone number (if he asks for it!). Then write down the first three numbers after the area code of his phone number somewhere and delete it out of your contact list. This way you will know he is texting you, but you can’t contact him. This will save you embarrassment when you are out and have had a few too many, or are being over-encouraged by friends.

Passive reciprocation…..

YouTuber, Shallon Lester, brings this up a lot. Passive reciprocation is when you do reach out and he gets back to you immediately, will have a conversation, yet will never take it further. We convince ourselves that he answered so that must mean something. The worst thing you can do is continue to reach out over and over. This is when ghosting happens the most. It’s usually him being bored, then polite, then he doesn’t want you to think he likes you. If you do end up reaching out and he doesn’t ask for your number or to hang out sometime, just stop. If you were at a party, you (hopefully) would not keep tracking a guy down. So, treat it like you would in the real world.

Bottom Line….

Crushes can be a hinderance in dating. We tend to ruin any chance with him because we come with desperate energy and too much interest. We don’t have a mystery to us that can create attraction. A crush can go on for years if you let it. After a certain point, you need to give yourself a reality check. If he hasn’t reached out, tried to talk, etc, he probably has a girlfriend or isn’t into you. Take a day to mourn the loss in a kind way to yourself (treat yourself to a nice dinner, book that hair appointment, take a long bath uninterrupted). Write it down in a journal or speak to yourself out loud. Releasing the energy will help you move on quicker than you expected.

The “Ten Year Guy”

The “U Up” podcast talks a lot about “the ten-year guy.” When it was first brought up, I literally thought I was the only one who had this dynamic. I actually had two ten-year guys! It’s so interesting how a woman views the ten-year guy versus how a man views it. In a woman’s mind she is thinking, “how could he keep up contact with me for so long! He must be secretly in love with me!” This is what drives the relationship and you think you are Carrie Bradshaw and Big. Finding out the man’s perspective on it was very heartbreaking and frankly infuriating.

What’s his deal?….

So… yeah, I hate to break it to everyone, but guys don’t see the ten-year relationship as a long drawn-out saga. He simply sees it as “the hometown girl” or “my college girl.” Hearing that made my blood boil. I held onto these men because I was convinced that a decade of knowing a person means it’s meant to be.

Why does he hold on?…

You let him. Old business is easier to drum up then new business. If he feels he has you in his back pocket, then why would he cut contact?

Why cutting people off is so important…

The book “The Rules” bring up the concept of “the time-wasters.” The ten-year guy falls into this category. You might even confront him and ask what he wants out of it and he will give a disappointing answer. I recently asked one of my ten-year guys this and he said he doesn’t want to commit. He would always come in hot and say sweet nothings, then when confronted with action he would immediately back down.

Time is important…

I feel like dating is sort of like advertising. “Act now before the offer expires!” There is some truth in that. At least, that is how you should view it. You aren’t getting any younger and most men love to waste your time.

How long is too long?…

When a guy is enamored, it moves at a fairly fast pace. If it moves too fast, like him saying, “I love you” on the first date, then that’s love bombing. But you get the idea there will be a momentum that is moving towards something in a timely manner. You should be the one controlling the pace, but that’s a different article. It shouldn’t take him a decade to figure out if he likes you. School, work, and family are used as excuses a lot of the time. If you are both adults out of school with jobs, etc, then there are no excuses, yet it’s easy to put obstacles in the way when you are unsure.

Bottom line…..

Women are great at seeing the bright side and having a sense of romance. I have been 100% guilty of this. It’s nice to live your life as a wide-eyed romantic. Unfortunately, you can get to a point where you are held back from meeting a great guy because the “what if” men are in the way. In dating, things need to be seen as face value. Men will unapologetically waste your time and you will feel stupid for holding out for nothing. I say there needs to be a cut-off period if there are no dates or pursuing. A good thing to do is don’t be so carefree with giving out your phone number, etc. And be ok with blocking or removing from snapchat after a certain point. Your time is precious and should not be wasted.