Why You Should Try To Be A “Fast Friend”

We have to admit that friendship norms versus relationship and dating are different. For one thing, friendships usually never result in a break-up or even a “break.” But I wanted to talk more about casual friendships. You meet someone out at a bar; you chat about boys over cocktails, exchanging numbers or social media. You swear you will both get brunch soon and then, poof, they leave you on read. With casual dating, you are justified in feeling duped when he dodges messages after you were intimate. With friends, you don’t quite get the justice you feel inside. Did they do anything wrong at the end of the day? I want to make the argument for the “fast friend” and why you should let loose and try it yourself. How can you treat your own friendships as more casual?….

How you treat your existing friends….

As you get into your 30s and beyond, your high school friends and college roommates have moved away. You finally made a connection with a co-worker and feel you need to hold onto them for dear life. You are ashamed that you only have a handful of friends now. My view is to stop putting so much emphasis on the number and frankly how long the connection lasts. This is thinking-in-scarcity. (You are likable and can make new friends.) Most people you do befriend will change or not last forever. As an example, when you meet another single girl at work then a month later she gets a boyfriend, you will no longer share the bond of being single.

Should you break up with your friend?….

There is conflicting advice about having a clean break from a friend or not. There are cases where a friend might have crossed a line in a dramatic way. It can be more of a case-to-case basis with something in an extreme. Most friendships are more fluid and ebb and flow. With social media, you might remain connected through that and keep up with each other. This is sort of why there might not be a reason to have a sit-down break-up. I had a friendship that I ended officially, but only because the pattern ended up being in an unbalanced dynamic that could not be changed.

Being friendly versus forming friendships….

Certain people you meet through classes or out in the bars can be just friendly interactions when you see them. It is perfectly ok to have casual connections. You might even have a total blast and bond for hours. It doesn’t mean that you need to take it to the next level. Allow yourself more interactions to be more breezy and fun.

Your friend-of-a -friend could lead to success….

Loose connections lead to job offers or lucrative introductions for networking. I have said that the second- and third-tier friends are the best at dating set-ups. They see you at your most social and have a larger net for introductions.

Your friendship might be unbalanced….

I had a friend I made and we would spend some quality time together. I would show up when their band was performing to show support. One evening, I overshared about hooking up with someone. Their reaction was saying, “we aren’t that close.” It was humiliating that I felt we were forming a strong friendship. In protest, I avoided them and distanced myself. It is possible that certain people appreciate that you go the extra mile, but a true trust and connection isn’t actually there.

Overextending for friends….

I hear all the time on podcasts discussing what a friend should do for a bachloratte party or when a friend gets married. Nine-tenths of the time, the bridesmaids get their wallets cleaned out from extravagant gifts and flights. In the micro-sense, friends can take advantage of kindness under the guise of being a good friend. It is important to really evaluate who is taking advantage or who is a true deep friend.

Life is long and life is short….

The life-is-short is a reminder to carpe diem when you are out having a great time. You might have the best night of your life with someone you never see or hear from again. That is ok and it shouldn’t be looked at as a failure. You have those memories and evidence that you are a good hang. In contrast, the life-is-long thing is for connections that ebb and flow. You could always reconnect with an old friend from high school in your 50s. You never know who is coming in and out of your life.

Bottom Line….

Casual dating is a normal thing in most people’s lives. There should be more casual friendships and a detachment of how certain friends are treated. The most common reason why people drift apart is because of physically moving away or going into a new chapter in their life. It is also a good idea to notice when you are overextending and acting closer than the connection actually is. Lastly, you need to stop being stuck in scarcity when it comes to friendships. Most people say they struggle with making new friends. You have to come from a place of abundance and believe you are fun and a good friend. Whoever chooses to stick around is meant to.

Navigating Bad-Weather Friends

We all know about a “fair-weather friend,” whom I consider mainly a 3rd-tier casual friend. Or, worst, a social climber who globs onto you, trying to ride your coattails. But a “bad-weather friend” is someone whom you talk trash with. Misery loves company when things are in the dumps. What happens when good things start to happen to you?….

You complain about men….

This one is super common for women to bond. The problem happens when one of you gets a boyfriend. The dynamic and roles change and the single friend might feel threatened. If this person is your BFF, then there are ways to minimize the drama….

Keep quiet about your relationship….

Influencer, Tinx, coins this “boyfriend sickness” when you bring up your boyfriend in every sentence. It can become grating on people. Plus, they are not in the relationship and can’t relate to your excitement.

When asked about your boyfriend….

Try to downplay everything, especially if it’s going well. The instinct is to shout from the rooftops, but it could invite criticism and jealously. They could plant toxic seeds into your subconscious and cause a fight within your romantic relationship.

Keep seeing your friends….

It’s important to not abandon all your friends. The smartest thing to do is to maintain your schedule and routines.

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You got a promotion at work and your friend is unemployed….

Finding a job is a full-time job. She might be used to complaining and to feeling lost and hopeless while you are thriving and about to make more money. It is tricky when two friends are not on the same financial level. The friend with money feels held back and the friend without money feels pressured to spend what they don’t have….

Help your friend meet the right people….

Instead of sending job alerts from Indeed, help them network with the right people. You can google search a meet-up group that might help and you can join for support.

As the wealthier friend, don’t be weird about Venmo….

To you, $20 here and there is not a huge deal to lose, but to her it’s the week’s grocery allowance. Try not to nickel-and-dime your friend for tiny things. However, you can’t expect her to go to a five-star restaurant either. Try to do more hang-outs at home with wine versus an expensive night out.

Have different types of friends….

It’s ok to have fancy friends and more-down-to-earth friends. Each can bring out a different side of you. The mistake is trying to force a friend into a different category. If you have gone from rags to riches, you will lose friends. However, it is fine to remain humble and low-key unless the energy is preventing success. The best friends are supportive even if it means you will see them less.

Bottom Line….

When good things happen keep it under wraps. The reason is more for your protection versus being ashamed of bragging. People who you have created a dynamic of complaining and bitching will be triggered when that changes. It is ok to have certain friends for certain categories. When it’s a best friend try to not brag and boast in front of them, especially if they are struggling. You can do your best to surround yourself with like-minded people. However, not all good news lines up with everyone. Overall, go against the instinct of sharing good news and spare people the details. Yes, friends should be excited, but it can also trigger their own insecurities that can unconsciously sabotage you.

Should You Date Your Guy Friend?

It can be a common trope in rom-coms and television (“Friends”) where you wonder if your soulmate is your friend. There will be ruminations about whether it is worth ruining a good friendship to find out. Before you make the plunge into friends-to-lovers it’s best to think it all the way through. Mainly because once intimacy is involved it is extremely difficult to walk it back. What are some questions to consider?….

Are you craving intimacy?….

You might just be dying to get the “boyfriend experience.” The late night chats on the phone, watching Netflix over dinner and wine, a back rub. It can just feel good to “play house.”

People are putting pressure on you….

Someone might have planted the seed that your friendship could be more. You might have been stopped by a mutual friend or even a stranger thinking you were a couple. Your brain might have taken what someone said on a whim to heart.

Can you picture the intimacy?….

There might be no deep desire or yearning to get close in an intimate way. You don’t really see them as a sexual option. On the flip side, you wanted it from the beginning and then got friend- zoned by them

Speaking of friend-zoned….

Who friend-zoned who? This can make a huge difference. When you are the one to friend-zone a man, he might just be waiting in the wings until you are drunk enough to have sex. However, when a man friend-zones a woman it is more of a sign that you are, in fact, friends.

You went for a kiss, how did you feel?….

Maybe you finally took the plunge and kissed on the lips. How did you really feel? Was it just a comforting feeling, or was did it fuel your fire?

If they started dating someone or went on a great date would you be jealous?….

You probably talk about dating with each other. Have you always been secretly jealous? Or have you thought the stories are funny and give date ideas?

Do feelings really change?….

You could absolutely get closer as friends, but do feelings of true friendship rarely flip? There was a reason you did not become a couple.

Bottom Line….

In fictional TV shows or other media, a friends-to-lovers is seen as romantic and brave. In reality, there is such a thing as romantic chemistry versus having love and respect for a close friend. It is fine to have opposite gender relationships, yet they usually get questioned by the outside world. It is ok to discuss your feelings with your friend when the moment is right. Some clarity will ease your mind and help you move on if necessary.

PSA For How To Treat Your Artist Friends

I have been an artist forever and have noticed that people in general see your career or even your hobby as a way to exploit free labor. Do all people do this? Of course not. But as an example, no one is demanding free work from a dentist. Here are a few points for non-creatives to chew on…..

The artist wears many hats to stay afloat….

They might have to drive Uber or be a server here and there. It does not mean they “gave up.” It is a way to supplement income in the lean times.

“No, we can’t do your photo shoot for free”….

I don’t love the term “friend discount,” mainly because if you were my friend, you would actually support my business. Most people like to squeeze all they can get for peanuts. This can manifest in doing a wedding or a headshot for free. Don’t be offended if your friend says they do not work for free and gives you a day rate.

We are actually busy….

There is a lot of behind -the-scenes work that most people do not recognize. Even socializing and networking is a form of work. It is all about making the right connections. Even just taking a rest day to recharge our brain is part of the process.

We hate hearing, “have you thought about getting a real job?”….

If we wanted to become a nurse, we would have. Most artists can only do artistic and creative things. They are not great at working at a call center. Most of the time, having a day job can be a huge time suck that takes away from our hopes and dreams.

We have good days and bad days….

There could be times when we sold out at an art show or got a huge commission. Then at the next show we only make three sales. Our career is mainly trial and error and luck.

We are always pivoting….

There are certain artists who stick to one medium. However, some artists will switch up mediums to see what sticks or what is the most lucrative. They are not a “jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none.” It is just experimenting on what will turn a profit.

Just because they are a painter or a photographer doesn’t mean they can do your specific thing….

There are a lot of times when an artist has a certain style and a person will ask for a 180. For example, they might be an abstract painter and a relative asks them to paint a hyper-realistic family portrait. Most people see art as art. The reality is most artists have honed into a particular style. Another example is a fine art photographer who usually does not want to shoot a headshot. Some artists do these things regardless, but it is not something they enjoy.

Bottom Line….

If you have an artist friend, support them and don’t use them for their talent. They deserve to be paid like anyone else. Artists work in silence most of the time and have their eye on the ball 24/7. When you see them resting or socializing, they are working. An artist’s life is a calling and takes a lot of sacrifices and losses. Yes, they are aware that they could have gone to school for something “more conventional.” Don’t be shocked if your artist friend or small business owner asks you to be paid for their work. Most creatives get taken advantage of because they love the work and so they will work for “exposure.” Don’t be that person. Another nice thing is to talk up their business when possible or like, comment, and share on social media. Most important is to show support and come to their art opening.

How Your Vibe Is Blocking Budding Friendships

Everyone wants to know “where do I meet new friends”? But no one is asking “how do I foster these meet-ups into actual friendships”? You might be frustrated that you put yourself out there and go out and no one wants to push it along. The phase “what do you bring to the table,” should be used in friendships, not only in romantic relationships. In a nutshell, there are mistakes I notice in other people and what I have done myself to block any friendship from getting off the ground. What is preventing you from taking an acquaintance to a friendship….

Are you scared to go outside alone?….

Are you depending on other people to hold your hand and make you feel safe in every social situation? Do you beg your roommate to come with you to the bars or a party? You really need to allow yourself to experience being social without a safety net. Get comfortable with eating lunch alone or treating yourself to coffee after a walk as a start.

Do you invite yourself?….

When you invite yourself you are putting the person in an uncomfortable situation. No one will say no you can’t come. However, that doesn’t mean you will be welcome.

Are you taking the hint?….

For me, three separate cancellations are a clear message they don’t want to continue the friendship. There are exceptions of course. However, you have to put limits on how much you put yourself out there with people who have rejected you.

Are people polite versus actually liking you?….

People do not want conflict. They will smile and nod and listen to anyone, especially in a bar. Don’t take someone’s being nice as wanting to become your best friend. Assume people are just wanting to be social. Do not follow them around the bar like a lost puppy.

What do you bring to the table?….

Are you fun, do you listen, are you a joy to be around? The friend who is a sulky sally is never sought out and asked to join. Not to say you can’t complain here and there. I am speaking more of the people who are crying and in a crisis every day. No one wants to be your savior. Put making new friends on the back burner when you need to get your ducks in a row.

Do you help people just to get a reward?….

You always drive people home and put yourself to good use. You might think you are creating friendship security and people can’t live without you. You in fact are creating a dynamic where they no longer see you as on their level. They see you as weak and someone they can take advantage of.

Are you cool and bubbly?….

Do you have interesting things to talk about? What hobbies, projects, funny stories are you telling? Do you dress in an interesting way? What is unique about you that you can talk about? Be the bubbly girl, aka someone who is sweet, smiley, fun. She radiates joy and is always a good time. Go look up videos on Youtube on how to be charismatic. It is an art that can be learned.

Do you think everyone is your therapist?….

People at the bars or the meet up groups are strangers. It is not appropriate to bring up your sex life or personal medical issues. Tread lightly on topics you discuss. No one wants to hear about your boring office job either.

Are your expectations too high?…

In adult friendships people have pressing priorities to their job, partners, family, etc. You need to shift your lens of kindergarten friendship styles to adult-with-responsibilities. At the beginning of the week they were fresh, but by the weekend they are burned out. Don’t threaten your friends to hang out. Be a little more at arms length and plan things for yourself before you throw out an invite.

Bottom Line….

There are always tips for how to meet new people. Plenty of meet up groups, courses, the bars, you name it. However, when you lack social awareness and discernment, it is a waste to put yourself out there. It is work to keep friends and the universe does not owe you friendships. It is something that needs to be nurtured and watered. Look inward and recognize how you are coming across. The biggest thing is accepting that most people are polite. Just because a stranger was nice to you does not mean you are best friends now. The first step to creating friendships is to cultivate a friendship with yourself. Spend time alone and pick up hobbies and interests. When you create a charismatic aura then it will attract people to you versus you hunting people down.

“Low Lift” Hangs And Dates

We are at the beginning of the year and the consensus I am getting is people are already exhausted. It is a good reminder we have about eleven months to get through. I personally go by the Lunar New Year to give myself slightly more time to get things rolling. It is tricky to do a 180 after all the holidays. As far as our relationships (friendship and dating), preserving energy and balance is a must to avoid burnout. How can you orchestrate “low lift” hangs and first dates?….

Dating:

You are already out and about….

In my app days I would take advantage of already being out and about. This is the time to use Bumble and send out “the bat signal” to men and to see who is already around. Does it always work? No. But, it is a good opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.

Pre-game dates….

Your friendships should be your main plan. There is no harm in squeezing in a quick date before you meet up with your friends or go to an event. Having a time limit creates anticipation and desire to have “a real date.”

Invite a date to a party….

This is case-by-case. Do not invite a date to an intimate dinner. If it’s a “the more the merrier” type of casual party, bring a date.

The double book….

I have a whole article on this. It is great to maximize your time while already out and in a cute outfit. Use one guy as the “warm up” date and the second guy as either a second date or someone whom you are more interested in.

Friendships:

Errand hangs….

Take your friends to Target with you. It can be more enjoyable and less dreadful to just do something you were already needing to do. You can also grocery shop at Trader Joe’s for the week.

Do a coffee in between errands….

For those who need to concentrate on boring errands, grab a tea or coffee after or on the way. It is great to get grounded and in a better mood before you go to the DMV.

Take your dogs to the dog park….

All animal lovers should let their pets bond while you gossip about the cute guy with the Werner pup.

Have weekly potlucks….

Instead of going to a restaurant, do a potluck and theme dinner. Stream your dating profiles to the TV and swipe together as a group.

Bottom Line….

Certain plans do not need to be the main act. I prefer to get the most out of my night out as far as being social. I used to squeeze in dates as much as I could. Use your time wisely and maximize while you are already dressed and out. For friendships, you bond more in the shopping errands than the large dinners with a group of friends. Doing these micro hangs will keep you from burning out and feeling like you cannot leave your home on the weekends.

How To Have A Great Galentine’s / Palentine’s Day

The right tone for every social situation is crucial. A Galentine’s / Palentine’s needs to be seen as a celebration rather than a pity party. It can be on the day after Valentine’s Day, but I feel it can be from February 13th-15th. There are other types of love besides romantic love. However, in our society, we only recognize or celebrate couples. Boyfriends will come and go, but friends stick and that should be recognized and honored. So, how can you make the most out of the day?….

Plan it out….

Seems kind of obvious, but I believe in structured and unstructured time for a social event. It would be great to play games and have a wine or cocktail night with a mocktail option for non-drinkers. Have activities so people aren’t just sitting in a circle complaining about dating.

Dress up….

There is no harm in dressing up a bit. Not saying you have to wear pink or red, but at least wear something beyond sweatpants.

Maybe go out in public….

You don’t have to have a house party; you can go out as well. It could be a fun opportunity to meet new people. You could go to a fancy dinner and then go out dancing after.

Lift others up….

There will probably be a few sad people in the group. Why not make them feel loved and to hype them up? It can be hard, especially if they are newly single.

Decorate….

If you are the one hosting, then it will be fun to decorate and think about lighting. Who doesn’t love some balloons and streamers? You want your guests to feel it is better to be there than in an expensive restaurant with a fixed menu.

Curate the playlist….

This can set the mood and tone. Really think about a playlist that isn’t sad break-up songs. It’s best to not remind your friends of how rough and hard love is. Try to empower people and give some good nostalgia.

Don’t freak out if they get a date last minute….

This is going to happen to at least one person. They might get that “U up” text from that one f*ck boy who wants to hook up. Explain to them that it will be a regretful decision to spend Valentine’s Day just for a transactional hook-up. However, don’t strong-arm them into staying.

Bottom Line….

Friendships should be honored and respected as much as romantic love. We tend to put it on the back burner and dismiss it. You should celebrate the love you feel from your friends and have a great time. Make it special if you are the host by having nice cocktails / mocktails and decorations. Pick a good playlist that isn’t just love-centric. Think of empowering music that is crowd pleasing. You can also decide to hit the town and grab dinner and then go dancing or checking out a band after. Lastly, try to sway a friend who gets an “U up” text. Encourage them to stay and try to lift them up, but don’t force them to stay if they have made up their mind.

The Case For A Smaller Friend Group

As an adult, your friends dwindle as people move away or get married. It can get frustrating to maintain friendships and you can feel like a loser for not having a large group to go out with. As a kid I was the weirdo who would cling to one friend who showed me attention. However, this actually taught me how to be a loyal “ride or die” friend and to form deeper relationships with people. So if you find yourself with the friend and the back-up friend, it’s actually a good thing…here’s why….

You are more open to meeting new people…..

When you have a large circle, your social needs are fulfilled. It isn’t that enticing to go to a bar solo to meet new people. You feel very comfortable to bail on a new date with a stranger to hang with friends. Limiting your circle builds up your desire to explore opportunities with acquaintances.

You won’t have to celebrate too many birthdays….

Not that birthdays are bad. It can get a little overwhelming when you have to celebrate ten people’s birthdays through-out the year. The dinner and drinks and possible gifts can set you back financially.

You will have more inside jokes….

Instead of spreading yourself thin with multiple people, you may develop deeper relationships. This means inside jokes, memories, and a shoulder to lean on.

You get more “me time”….

Solo time is crucial for self-care. It is actually nice to carve out your own life and schedule. You can focus more on your side hustle and have fewer distractions

You can be more helpful….

There is only so much kindness that can go around in a day. Every once in a while a car will break down or someone will get dumped. You will be more present and have the time to be a good friend

Bottom Line….

When it comes to close friends, I have always lived by the rule to keep it small. As far as bar friends or people you see out you might have more motivation to expand and become more open to new things. A good friend is someone who is available for long chats and giggle fits. When you add too many people to the mix, you will get overwhelmed or feel you are all set in the social department. It can keep you in a comfort zone where you aren’t experiencing anything new or exciting. Lastly, it is completely normal to go from a huge group in your 20s to your last remaining friends in your 30s. I would see it as more of an opportunity than an obstacle.

How To Have A Low Fuss “Friendsgiving”

A “Friendsgiving” is a great way for friends to get together for a potluck and wine. Perfect for those who can’t afford a plane ticket back to their hometown. However, when getting a group together with different personalities and expectations drama can enter the chat. The best thing is getting ahead of it by knowing what is assigned and knowing your strengths. How can you prepare for the potluck without the headache?…..

Understand the assignment…..

Everyone needs to know who is bringing what. There needs to be wine, appetizers, sides, and dessert. The host should be providing the turkey, but should do what makes logical sense to the group. Non-cooks should volunteer to bring wine and cheese and people who are well-versed in cooking should bring a side dish.

Don’t nickel-and-dime your friends…..

Listen… you will be spending money. Don’t Venmo-request people later and understand that everyone is pulling their weight. Honestly, even if they aren’t, don’t cause a scene. Spend what your budget allows you to spend. For some people, it’s no big deal to drop $50 plus, whereas others may feel that is steep.

Help with prep if needed…..

Depending how close you are to the host, offer to help prep. This can mean from chopping vegetables to making pies. Make it fun by playing music and having the football game in the background.

Offer entertainment….

Like I said, there will probably be football on. As a backup plan, have a drinking game going or something to entertain people while the pies are baking. I always keep a deck of cards in my purse just in case.

Be ok with breaking into groups…..

It’s natural for little groups to form. Depending on how many people were invited there might not be space for everyone to sit at one table together. In that case a buffet style where people help themselves makes the most sense. Try to mingle within groups until you find one that clicks best.

Think twice about bringing your “situationship”….

There are people who don’t deserve to meet your friends. Any guy who doesn’t even know your middle name should not be invited. I know it feels better to bring someone, especially when everyone is coupled up. Resist the urge and be brave representing yourself. These are your friends and you should spend quality time getting closer to 2nd- and 3rd-tier people.

Don’t get too wasted….

I mean, if you can handle your liquor, then go for it, especially if you don’t plan on driving. This is the time to indulge a little bit more and enjoy yourself. However, be mindful of how the group is acting and what the energy is. You don’t want to come across as sloppy.

Don’t overstay your welcome….

Make sure to help clean up as much as needed. Don’t be the last guest unless there is an understanding you will be spending the night or something. Pick up on the vibe and get ready to leave when people are going back home.

Bottom Line…..

This is a great opportunity to make distant friends become closer. You never know who you will be hitting it off with. Get all the information from the host and do not make assumptions. It’s best to know what you should be bringing and if you need to show up early to help prep. Understand your strengths even if they are not food related. You could be persuasive in starting a fun drinking game or being the DJ for the evening. Just don’t push fun on people who just want to watch the game and relax. This is your opportunity to bond with friends you haven’t seen in a while and get introduced to new connections.

Abandoned For The New Man

Nothing feels better when you and your BFF are single at the same time. You stay out longer at the bars, commiserate over f*ckboys, and have the most heart-to-hearts. Then all of a sudden….she gets into a relationship. Texts are ignored, hangouts are postponed until further notice. How can you navigate when your bestie gets a new man?……

Stop the narrative that The Singles are jealous…..

We singles aren’t mad that you are in a relationship; we just want to see you. Are some single friends jealous?….could be, but that’s not all that is going on.

As the friend you feel crazy…..

You probably asked her to hang out countless times. The response is usually, “Well, I will have to see what Brad is up to, but maybe.” You aren’t sure if you should keep asking or drop it completely.

Understand what’s really happening……

The honeymoon fog takes over for the first month or so. She no longer needs three people for the work of one. She has a new therapist, lover, and friend all wrapped into one. After a certain point, stop asking just to be turned down.

You might be a bad influence…..

Pick up what she is putting down. She could have sworn off her single days and wants to wipe her old life away. You could be seen as a “bad influence” and take the blame for her bad behavior

What should you do?…..

Understand that the phase might pass, but be prepared if it doesn’t. Build up 2nd and 3rd tier friends now. Go to social events, parties, and mingle. When you have an army of acquaintances you will feel more in control. Seek out single friends who want to go out and be social.

What you should not do…..

The juvenile way of thinking is to sabotage her relationship so she becomes single again. Your opinions about her new boyfriend mean very little in her decision making. In fact, it will cause her to distance from you more. (Obviously, if he is an ex-con or an abuser speak up). Your only option is to hang in there and hope she wants to hang down the road.

Bottom Line…..

It hurts the most when you are the one left in the dust. Friendships are at their peak ripeness when you are both single, annoyed at men, and want to party. Just because she got swept away doesn’t mean you can’t seek out other single friends. I understand she is your BFF, but you need to leave space for her to grow. You can’t expect your relationship to stay the same forever. Your friends may move, get into relationships, or start a new demanding job. Friendships should be ever evolving with you always needing to be ready to add new friends to the rotation.