Ok I know you are wondering what “kenjataimu” means. I used the Japanese word since the English phrase is somewhat vulgar. So, I will now say it in the scientific definition and hopefully, you can fill in the gaps. So here it is, “kenjataimu” is translated to “the post-coital period when a man’s thoughts are no longer impaired by his sexual drive.” I bring this up because most women run into this after sleeping with a man too soon. Then she will panic-text her friends and ask what happened. There is a reason rules to hold off sex are in place to protect from this yucky feeling. What can you do when you have walked straight into his trap and now you are brushed aside?…..
So you hooked up…..
He swiftly called you an Uber and shoved you out the door the next morning. As you realize your mascara has run all the way down your cheeks, you hold your breath that he will send you a “hope you got home safe text.”
“Maybe he is playing the 3-day rule”…..
You get home and try to act rationally. You figure he is playing coy and will resume texting you after a chill three days. A second date should be in order, putting you on a track for him to really get to know you.
A week goes by…..
You are still hopeful, yet don’t want to admit that you completely got used. You thought he was interested in what you had to say and the spark was undeniable.
Reality check….
So now what? He clearly ghosted…. Do you reach out and try to start over?…. A lot of women gloat that they met their husband by hooking up in a gas station bathroom. In reality…. It doesn’t happen as much as you think. Most of the time giving it up on the first date results in never being taken seriously, or a clean one-night stand where you never hear from him again.
“But I felt empowered”….
It’s great if you are truly on a casual journey and you enjoyed your time. More than likely you felt used. Because you were used. Saying yes to him too soon also makes a man think you do this with every man who asks.
There is more power in waiting….
Guys can see women in very black-and-white ways. The Madonna / Whore complex is very common-thinking among men. A man who wants to be your boyfriend probably would have not wanted to have sex on the first date. There is more power and dignity to wait him out and see what his motives are. (Although, let’s be real, some guys aren’t worth the elaborate “will they, won’t they”). Wait for the guy who is boyfriend material and treats you well.
Bottom Line….
With the casualness of dating apps and meeting at bars, this happens all the time. When you do meet in this way a man will more than likely see you as one-night-stand material. A great way to meet men is in person in a non-sexually-charged location. Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up. It happens to the best of us and everyone can get duped from time to time. Delete his number and keep your head high. In the TV show “30 Rock” the phrase “walk of shame” was flipped on its head to “stride of pride.” Be more intentional for when the right guy comes along.
Over the years, I have learned from my mistakes and would like to pass them onto a novice thrifter. Some shopping faux pas cluttered my closet, had to be re-donated or thrown away. Yes, you are getting a bargain, so your mindset might be to splurge on useless fast fashion. I encourage you to treat shopping with a more sustainable mindset. Thrifting is great for the planet and your wallet. Yet, you can fall prey to a few rookie mistakes. What are some tips to stretch your dollar and be a more thoughtful shopper?….
Fabric choice…
This is hands down the most important thing to keep in mind. Since the clothes are used, they need to be cleaned properly. When fabrics are a polyester or a dreaded “wipe with a cloth,” in the long run, it is not sustainable. The fabric you should always buy is 100 % cotton. It is breathable, easy to clean, and doesn’t make you sweat as much. The second is linen, which is also a great fabric to keep you cool and easy to clean. A blend is ok as long as the fibers are natural. However, I understand that most work-out clothing is typically spandex.
Shoes…
You just need to make sure they are not on their last legs. Try on shoes and walk, see if the sole is still intact. One time, I bought sandals and when I took them home the bottoms popped out and crumbled. Make sure that the shoes are walkable and fit your lifestyle. It is tempting to purchase flashy high heels since they are cheap. The problem is you never end up wearing them and it clutters your closet.
Jackets….
Check out the men’s section first. Usually, you will get a cheaper option and a more classic look, especially in a leather jacket or denim. I personally like an oversized look in certain jacket styles. With leather and denim, do not hop on trends, meaning avoid cropped jackets or anything that is bleached (acid washed) or with too many extra designs or sewn in details. With the leather jacket, nothing beats a classic Moto jacket. If you come across a real leather classically shaped (nothing dated) jacket, then grab it. Any fake leather tends to peel. There are great vegan leather options out there; it is just rare to come across them while thrifting.
Know the brands…..
It is wise to know what brands are well-made. It is hard to tell when it is truly vintage. However, most vintage is more lasting since it is not cheap fast fashion. You might not come across high end luxury, but you could come across a nice brand that makes quality clothes. You don’t have to know all the Indie brands, but even well-known classic stores are better than a Walmart or Target brand.
Purses and bags….
This is the time to snag a going-out bag. It is fine to get something that you only wear here and there for New Year’s or a fancy date. I have gotten lucky and have found vintage Coach and Wilson’s leather, to name a few. Pick materials that will last such as leather or any natural material. Any plastic will peel and look ragged.
Tee-shirts…
This is again the time to shop the men’s section. There will be cool band tees that you can crop to make it more styled. With tee-shirts they usually run $5 so feel free to crop or cut out the collar if desired. You can even find athletic brand shirts that you pay a fraction of it new. Same thing with hoodies and sweatshirts.
Bottom Line…
Thrifting is a great opportunity to shop for less and to be sustainable. However, when you have to re-donate or when the items take over your closet, then you are missing the point. Be on top of closet clean outs and have a sense of clothing you wear all the time. A great find is something you can wear for all the seasons and can be dressed up or down. It is best to keep in mind classic cuts, shapes, and what brands are well made. Fabric choice is the number-one concern that will save you time and energy. Think long-term with materials and fabrics. You want things that will last and be easy to clean. Don’t be afraid to shop the men’s section. There are plenty of hidden gems that will be slightly cheaper. Last tip is to know the store’s policy. Some shops will allow you to return the item as long as you have the tags still on and the receipt. You will get back some store credit and save money on your next shop.
In high school, my mindset was that when I called dibs on a guy, it would prevent him from pursuing my friends. I figured my friends would put in a good word and persuade him to date me…. In reality, a guy is going to like who he likes. You giving off a desperate energy will lead him right to your cute friend. I even think it isn’t wise to announce your crush to the group chat. Your friends might mean well, but they could ruin it for you by telling your crush and making it obvious. Everyone has had a girlfriend who wants to beat the system by claiming all the eligible men. She will claim it is against “girl code” to chat with her crush. What is the difference between “girl code” and “calling dibs” and what is asking for too much?……
What really is “girl code”…..
A rule of thumb is that when she has actually dated the guy, then do your best to leave him be. It is trashy to date her leftovers. You are always better to keep the peace with your friend. It tarnishes your reputation of not being a “girl’s girl.” This includes cheating with her boyfriend or even flirting with her current boyfriend or ex.
What is not “girl code”….
Here is the scenario…her crush has met her, has spoken to her, and has not pursued her. Sometimes, women will claim a guy for eternity so she doesn’t get hurt when he likes her friend more. Calling dibs really is hoarding men and preventing other people to find love. Sure, give her a chance at first and see if the guy is actually interested. There should be a cutoff when he has chosen not to date her.
How calling dibs comes across to men….
You are treating him like the prize when it should be the other way around. The word will get around that you have a crush on him. Your friends will be rolling their eyes once you leave the room. It doesn’t make you look confident or trusting fate that there is a perfect guy for you.
Why girl code is important…..
Crushes, and guys in general, should take more of a back seat. Women tend to weave and bend for men and cancel girls night just because she got a last minute “U up” text. Continue to live your life and enjoy your girlfriends, especially when all of you are single.
You cause so much drama when you break girl code…..
Your drama and chaos will never get you what you truly want. The guy will think less of you and see you as a floozy, not someone who has class. Fighting over men is ridiculous because there are so many men out there. It can feel like the only men worth dating are in your small circle – I assure you other men exist. Change up your routine and go out more.
Stop thinking in scarcity and think in abundance…..
Both calling dibs and breaking girl code comes from scarcity. As I said, you are limiting yourself and thinking small. Go inward and appreciate how unique you are and what is attractive about you versus your friends. Every man has a type and there is a man who will appreciate you.
Bottom Line…..
Don’t let your friend calling dibs confuse what girl code is. In extreme cases, you need to set her straight and give her a reality check. Try to build up her self-worth and spend more quality time together. Make girls night sacred and too fun to miss out on. When she feels fulfilled, she is less likely to ditch the group to hook up in an empty parking lot with a F- boy. If you are the girl calling dibs, then ask yourself why you feel you need to hoard all the men. Some women get more of a rush by breaking girl code, such as flirting with a friend’s boyfriend or ex. Keep in mind a man who is willing to cheat will do it with anyone willing. You are not special or more beautiful than your friend. Keep your girlfriends close before they go off and get married. You can’t get the precious bonding and memories back.
When going off to college, you will be introduced to living with a roommate. There will be bumps along the way to say the least. I am going to break down the types of roommates out there and how to navigate dealing with tricky roommates starting from college and beyond. What can you expect freshman year?…..
Communicate before the move-in day…..
Your college will give your their contact info. Back in the olden days when I went to college we found each other on Facebook. Open up a stream of communication, feel out the vibes, and talk logistics. Who will have the mini fridge, TV, coffee maker, etc.
Don’t treat her like your BFF….
The ideal relationship is that you will be on good terms. Don’t treat her like a bestie because you will need to lay down boundaries. It is too easy to let things slide when you are trying to impress someone. Make sure everything is fair and square with how the room is set up. Don’t let her take over the room. Be cautious with shared items such as the TV or mini fridge. It could be taken away from you if there is a fight. So beware of petty behavior. My old roommate loved leaving passive-aggressive post-it notes on the microwave. If you are living in a style where you have your own room and a shared living room / kitchen then buy your own mini-fridge and tv for your bedroom. You don’t want to fight about your roommate eating your leftovers.
Expect there will be conflict….
In the first year of college everyone is trying to adjust and fit in. People will be high on stress. Don’t take too many things personally, especially when you get ignored. Everyone needs a safe haven to go and sleep and decompress after class. Give each other space, but don’t let her make you feel awkward to be in your own room.
Be careful who you vent to…..
The rumor mill is not your friend. You don’t want her to think you are talking sh*t about her around campus. Be careful of private journals as well. It might not be smart to have a notebook someone could go though. Don’t bring anything valuable or sentimental with you to the dorm. Invest in a lock box if needed to store things under the bed. Your roommate might not be a thief, but dorms tend to be wide-open to friends dropping by, etc. Keep your stuff safe.
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5 things to have for the dorm…..
1. Noise-canceling headphones – It can help you in the dorm when she is talking on her phone loudly and you have a deadline.
2. Eye mask – Napping is essential
3. First Aid and medicine kit – You might get sick out of nowhere. Pepto and aspirin will be a lifesaver, but be prepared with bandaids and cold medicine, too.
4. Flip-flops for the shower – have a handy shower caddy with the essentials. Don’t bother with soap since it is messy. Get a bottle of bodywash and avoid buying a loofah or wash cloth ( too many germs).
5. A hidden snack box – have snacks for when the dining hall is closed or when pulling an all- nighter. Have snacks that will keep and are wrapped to stay fresh. Don’t tell your roommate about it so she won’t steal your food
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5 Types of roommates…..
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“The Never There Roommate” – The best roommate ever! This is an ideal roommate to have in any life stage, minus hunting them down to pay bills or rent.
“ The Always There Roommate” – This happens more in the male space where he only plays video games. But yea… there they are…
“ The Roommate With The Boyfriend” – He….is…always…there. It can get frustrating when you just want to watch TV in the living room – or your food gets eaten.
“The Messy Roommate”– In my experience, don’t create a Cold War–let her leave the dishes. Just clean up for her. I know this is unjust and not moral, but she isn’t going to clean. Have a discussion about common areas being clean, but you will have to pick up the slack in the kitchen and in the bathroom.
“The Social Roommate”– She brings the party back to the dorm / apartment. Try to swash this by discussing it day one. Be crystal clear you don’t want late-night visitors. If she continues to do it then you need to switch roommates or move out. (In a dorm situation get the RA involved).
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Beyond College…..
In my experience, it isn’t the greatest idea to live with very good friends. There are probably people out there who have had a blast with their roommate / bestie from day one….I just feel it’s more likely it could tarnish your relationship. It is better to be able to spend time in your room alone without having to entertain her. It feels a lot better to visit your really good friend to get out of the apartment for a while versus being with her constantly. Things do change after you live with a person and she will show you her true colors.
Signing leases…..
It is best to be in a position to not be locked in. Don’t let her trick you into paying extra for anything (unless you have the master bedroom, etc). Try to not be the one who has all the stuff – it will be trickier to move out. Wait until your have your own place to spread out and have your specific white comfy couch- all that. If possible have a deadbolt installed on your bedroom door. You don’t want anyone rummaging though your things or sleeping in your bed when you are out of town.
Make sure you aren’t the bad roommate…..
If you are paying your rent on time, keeping clean, keeping quiet, and minding your own business, then you are a perfectly fine roommate. As far as private landlords go: Keep your complaints very professional, be gracious when things are fixed, and act like an adult. You may need their reference to move to another apartment.
Bottom Line…..
Roommates can be a nightmare. It is always better to go in with the right expectations and attitude. In my freshman year they stuffed three of us together in an open room. ( not including my roommate’s boyfriend who was the unofficial roommate). The main conflict is going to be with boys- hands down. When she gets a boyfriend or is sleeping around it will become annoying (walls are thin…). Lay down the law before the crime happens and don’t let things slide. Don’t be aggressive, but don’t be passive-aggressive either. Be clear, and firm with your communication. Think of your relationship with any roommate as you would a co-worker. Make sure you are a good roommate as well ( pay rent on time, don’t be loud, be clean, mind your own business). In any difficult relationship treat it as an exercise in communication and growing your social skills.
The right tone for every social situation is crucial. A Galentine’s / Palentine’s needs to be seen as a celebration rather than a pity party. It can be on the day after Valentine’s Day, but I feel it can be from February 13th-15th. There are other types of love besides romantic love. However, in our society, we only recognize or celebrate couples. Boyfriends will come and go, but friends stick and that should be recognized and honored. So, how can you make the most out of the day?….
Plan it out….
Seems kind of obvious, but I believe in structured and unstructured time for a social event. It would be great to play games and have a wine or cocktail night with a mocktail option for non-drinkers. Have activities so people aren’t just sitting in a circle complaining about dating.
Dress up….
There is no harm in dressing up a bit. Not saying you have to wear pink or red, but at least wear something beyond sweatpants.
Maybe go out in public….
You don’t have to have a house party; you can go out as well. It could be a fun opportunity to meet new people. You could go to a fancy dinner and then go out dancing after.
Lift others up….
There will probably be a few sad people in the group. Why not make them feel loved and to hype them up? It can be hard, especially if they are newly single.
Decorate….
If you are the one hosting, then it will be fun to decorate and think about lighting. Who doesn’t love some balloons and streamers? You want your guests to feel it is better to be there than in an expensive restaurant with a fixed menu.
Curate the playlist….
This can set the mood and tone. Really think about a playlist that isn’t sad break-up songs. It’s best to not remind your friends of how rough and hard love is. Try to empower people and give some good nostalgia.
Don’t freak out if they get a date last minute….
This is going to happen to at least one person. They might get that “U up” text from that one f*ck boy who wants to hook up. Explain to them that it will be a regretful decision to spend Valentine’s Day just for a transactional hook-up. However, don’t strong-arm them into staying.
Bottom Line….
Friendships should be honored and respected as much as romantic love. We tend to put it on the back burner and dismiss it. You should celebrate the love you feel from your friends and have a great time. Make it special if you are the host by having nice cocktails / mocktails and decorations. Pick a good playlist that isn’t just love-centric. Think of empowering music that is crowd pleasing. You can also decide to hit the town and grab dinner and then go dancing or checking out a band after. Lastly, try to sway a friend who gets an “U up” text. Encourage them to stay and try to lift them up, but don’t force them to stay if they have made up their mind.
As an adult, your friends dwindle as people move away or get married. It can get frustrating to maintain friendships and you can feel like a loser for not having a large group to go out with. As a kid I was the weirdo who would cling to one friend who showed me attention. However, this actually taught me how to be a loyal “ride or die” friend and to form deeper relationships with people. So if you find yourself with the friend and the back-up friend, it’s actually a good thing…here’s why….
You are more open to meeting new people…..
When you have a large circle, your social needs are fulfilled. It isn’t that enticing to go to a bar solo to meet new people. You feel very comfortable to bail on a new date with a stranger to hang with friends. Limiting your circle builds up your desire to explore opportunities with acquaintances.
You won’t have to celebrate too many birthdays….
Not that birthdays are bad. It can get a little overwhelming when you have to celebrate ten people’s birthdays through-out the year. The dinner and drinks and possible gifts can set you back financially.
You will have more inside jokes….
Instead of spreading yourself thin with multiple people, you may develop deeper relationships. This means inside jokes, memories, and a shoulder to lean on.
You get more “me time”….
Solo time is crucial for self-care. It is actually nice to carve out your own life and schedule. You can focus more on your side hustle and have fewer distractions
You can be more helpful….
There is only so much kindness that can go around in a day. Every once in a while a car will break down or someone will get dumped. You will be more present and have the time to be a good friend
Bottom Line….
When it comes to close friends, I have always lived by the rule to keep it small. As far as bar friends or people you see out you might have more motivation to expand and become more open to new things. A good friend is someone who is available for long chats and giggle fits. When you add too many people to the mix, you will get overwhelmed or feel you are all set in the social department. It can keep you in a comfort zone where you aren’t experiencing anything new or exciting. Lastly, it is completely normal to go from a huge group in your 20s to your last remaining friends in your 30s. I would see it as more of an opportunity than an obstacle.
When you are single during the Christmas season, you lean hard into friendships. Coupled-up friends will more than likely ice you out, but your fellow singles will have time to chill. Work and school will be put on pause and the hometown crew might surface again. What can you do to enrich your connections and get festive?
Say no gifts…..
And mean it! You may think it is doable at the beginning of the season. Then once reality of long lines and how much money you actually can spend hits, it will be a regretful decision. It’s better to make it known to all friends that there will be no gift exchange. No secret Santa, or white elephant. Just stop the madness! Even if you feel you can juggle everything, it is a burden for others to reciprocate. The best gift is giving someone peace.
Cocktail and carol night….
I own a portable karaoke mic that hooks up though bluetooth. Some people have a whole set-up in their basements. It’s fun to do a karaoke Christmas carol party with booze (or a festive non-alcoholic punch). You can dress as festive as you like or show up in a cozy sweater.
Decoration and cookie party….
You can rotate to each other’s places who have not decorated yet. The cooks who burn things can bring the break and bake cookies, and the pastry chefs can shine. Help the host decorate the tree and get the apartment spruced up. Play a Christmas playlist mixed with regular songs as a palette cleanser. You can also have a classic Christmas movie playing in the background.
Go to the Christmas parade….
Fill your thermos with a peppermint hot chocolate, wear a cozy outfit, and watch the parade.
Go to your friend’s Christmas party….
If a friend is single and doesn’t have a plus one, then volunteer to go. You never know who you will meet and you get to dress up a bit. Depending on where they work there might be a nice spread. Your friend might feel relieved they have a a friend and you will get to mingle.
Play Christmas Tree Beer Pong….
Buy green solo cups and place it in a Christmas tree shape in the middle of the table. Whoever collects the most cups wins. You can make it fancier by throwing some tinsel or garland down.
Have a Green and Red party….
The singles wear green and the people in relationships wear red. Keep up with the theme and serve green and red food and beverages.
Bottom Line….
Christmas season can bring out the joy…or stress. It honestly comes down to your own mindset and attitude. Do not take on more than you can chew and shut down any idea that involves buying gifts. You have enough gifts to worry about and probably work is forcing you to do Secret Santa. Bring up fun things your friends can actually get behind. It can also be an opportunity to meet new people while you are in a jolly mood.
A “Friendsgiving” is a great way for friends to get together for a potluck and wine. Perfect for those who can’t afford a plane ticket back to their hometown. However, when getting a group together with different personalities and expectations drama can enter the chat. The best thing is getting ahead of it by knowing what is assigned and knowing your strengths. How can you prepare for the potluck without the headache?…..
Understand the assignment…..
Everyone needs to know who is bringing what. There needs to be wine, appetizers, sides, and dessert. The host should be providing the turkey, but should do what makes logical sense to the group. Non-cooks should volunteer to bring wine and cheese and people who are well-versed in cooking should bring a side dish.
Don’t nickel-and-dime your friends…..
Listen… you will be spending money. Don’t Venmo-request people later and understand that everyone is pulling their weight. Honestly, even if they aren’t, don’t cause a scene. Spend what your budget allows you to spend. For some people, it’s no big deal to drop $50 plus, whereas others may feel that is steep.
Help with prep if needed…..
Depending how close you are to the host, offer to help prep. This can mean from chopping vegetables to making pies. Make it fun by playing music and having the football game in the background.
Offer entertainment….
Like I said, there will probably be football on. As a backup plan, have a drinking game going or something to entertain people while the pies are baking. I always keep a deck of cards in my purse just in case.
Be ok with breaking into groups…..
It’s natural for little groups to form. Depending on how many people were invited there might not be space for everyone to sit at one table together. In that case a buffet style where people help themselves makes the most sense. Try to mingle within groups until you find one that clicks best.
Think twice about bringing your “situationship”….
There are people who don’t deserve to meet your friends. Any guy who doesn’t even know your middle name should not be invited. I know it feels better to bring someone, especially when everyone is coupled up. Resist the urge and be brave representing yourself. These are your friends and you should spend quality time getting closer to 2nd- and 3rd-tier people.
Don’t get too wasted….
I mean, if you can handle your liquor, then go for it, especially if you don’t plan on driving. This is the time to indulge a little bit more and enjoy yourself. However, be mindful of how the group is acting and what the energy is. You don’t want to come across as sloppy.
Don’t overstay your welcome….
Make sure to help clean up as much as needed. Don’t be the last guest unless there is an understanding you will be spending the night or something. Pick up on the vibe and get ready to leave when people are going back home.
Bottom Line…..
This is a great opportunity to make distant friends become closer. You never know who you will be hitting it off with. Get all the information from the host and do not make assumptions. It’s best to know what you should be bringing and if you need to show up early to help prep. Understand your strengths even if they are not food related. You could be persuasive in starting a fun drinking game or being the DJ for the evening. Just don’t push fun on people who just want to watch the game and relax. This is your opportunity to bond with friends you haven’t seen in a while and get introduced to new connections.
It’s almost Halloween and it inspired me to take lessons from scary movies. Vampires have the best rule which is “to only enter if invited.” This to me always stuck around on the back burner of my brain. I identify as a go-getter in many things. Unfortunately, that can translate to scheming about how to hook men and to get friends to hang out with me. The vampires have all the time in the world and have figured out that maybe taking a step back is the way to go. How can you have eternal coolness like the vampires?…..
Let him make the first move…..
Whether it is in public or on the apps, let him take the plunge. In the book, “The Rules,” there is a huge chunk of the rules mainly stating that he needs to start the courting process. It’s the only way to truly know if he is actually interested or just being polite. It can save you a lot of therapy sessions and late night texts with your girlfriends.
Dip your toe in slowly for new friends…..
My go-to method for making new friends, for me, did not evolve past kindergarten. I used to very quickly smoother a new friend and proclaim, “we are best friends now.” In adult friendship you want to build up more second-and-third tier friends for socializing.
Ask three separate times then pull way back…..
Most social interaction is reading between the lines and picking up on social cues. When you get hit with excuses rather than scheduling, stop reaching out. No one wants to be rude and say they don’t enjoy your company. You have to take it upon yourself to move on and not bother that person.
The three signs a first date doesn’t want to see you again….
The telltale signs you will get ghosted are: 1. He doesn’t offer to buy you a drink or coffee, 2. There is no physical contact (touching arm, hug, kiss etc), 3. He leaves saying, “it was great meeting you” with no plan for a second date. Will he still orbit you on social media? Absolutely. However, he will not ask you out again. Save yourself time and forget about him.
Be careful about giving out info or getting contact info….
Some bar friends are simply that. Trying to expand it to the next level will end in confusion. When you go out and bond with people over shots, enjoy the moment. Yes, there will be a mutual feeling that this is bigger than one night. Just don’t shove your phone in their face while they reluctantly type in a number. It’s best to just live your life and more than likely you will bump into each other again.
Get invited rather than suggest….
As a general rule it always feels better to be invited. When it comes to courtship never invite yourself over to his place no matter how casual the dynamic is. He will more than likely say he is busy or, worst case, you go over and he plays video games the whole time. With new friends you will find out how a person cares when you are on the invite list.
Bottom Line…..
Making new connections doesn’t have to be a horror show. It will be less confusing when you look at this face value rather than making things happen. On your end, be that bubbly person that is a delight to be around. No one wants a sulky Sally who only brings down the vibe. If you are going to invite a friend, pick an event (band playing, karaoke, comedy show) so there is more incentive for them to come out. Allow yourself to be courted. It can be frustrating to wait on the sidelines, but it feels so good to be invited and have dates planned by him. Follow the “Vampire Method” all year round to avoid social faux pas.
My social life completely shifted once I took a few brave steps. There have been trials and errors and data collecting. It can be overwhelming to even fathom going out by yourself. However, that’s where the magic happens. It’s when you are confident and having fun solo that people want to go up and talk to you. You need to flex your social muscles to be able to be approached by a guy. Your not knowing how to chitchat will make the first impression suffer and you might not get that phone number. It all starts with baby steps. What are more tips to meet men or new friends in person?….
Pick events to go to….
It’s more likely you will get people chatting at an event. This can be a band playing, comedy show, or drag show. When there is a focus for the night most people are so occupied with the event they do not notice who is alone or in a group. A concert, especially, is the type of event that you can weave around with ease…and there will at least be entertainment if nothing else.
Start with a question or compliment….
The other weekend I was out at a bar. I turned my head and saw these two girls laughing with each other. One girl was wearing a “dump him” tee shirt, a la Britney Spears. I had to ask about the shirt. That snowballed into dancing and hanging out the rest of the night. It can be that simple.
Go to the bars where you got social before…..
In my town, there are bars where not even the bartender will chat with you. And on the flip side, there are bars where I make a new friend every time I go. Certain vibes are something to pay attention to. This could also be any place in general, not just bars. Maybe you meet friendly people at a certain grocery store. Go where there is a welcoming vibe and become a regular there.
Do less than you think you need to….
I used to try so hard to be the funniest in the room. I found when I stopped cracking jokes was when more people said, “you are so fun to hang out with.” I was baffled because I felt I was doing nothing and was even boring. Remind yourself that it’s fine to listen more and just enjoy yourself. You aren’t the hired entertainment for the evening.
Trust people will like you…..
It can get very nerve-wracking to be out alone. You get flashbacks of the cafeteria where no one would sit with you. People are going to be more accessible than you expect. Try to erase those old tapes of you as a child. Your ego wants to keep you small and safe and that’s normal. You need to collect positive data.
Practice with the bartender….
As a first step just dip your toe and chat with the bartender for a minute and see how it goes. You need to be cordial in a short bite-sized form because they are working. It’s a great lesson in how small talk works. It’s easy to bring up what’s going on around town or what’s the best drink to get, toeing the line of professional chitchat. This is the energy you need for the first impression with a new person. Have a boundary of not diving too personal and keep it light. Most importantly, know when to walk away.
Don’t have an agenda….
Enjoy your night just for you. See if the other person wants to exchange numbers or socials. I have found most who give out information usually do not follow up. It’s best to carpe diem the night and know that you will probably run into each other again. This is why it’s great to be a regular at a bar / cafe or two. You want people to start recognizing you and feel comfortable to chat.
Bottom Line…..
Building basic social skills starts with trusting yourself. Most people have been hurt in the past and get flashbacks of being bullied in middle school. Your ego wants to keep you safe from being burned again. You can gather positive data for yourself by dipping your toe in socially. Once you gain a few positive interactions it will build up your confidence. The biggest lesson I have learned is to do less. You think you have to be the prettiest, funniest, or smartest. The reality is you don’t need to entertain all night long and can just listen and throw in your few cents here and there. Know how to do surface level chitchat and know when it’s time to leave the conversation. Less is always more. If you left too soon, they can seek you out later. The network you build can lead to what I call the golden introductions. You getting an endorsement from a friend is going to go so much further than you “cold calling” a guy at a bar. Remember to gain positive interactions and practice once a week and you will be miles ahead of swiping on an app.
Mostly Casual 