Most of us have probably agreed to be exclusive with the wrong guy. We always regret going off the market and shutting ourselves off from other men. When you are young there needs to be an exploratory time when you figure out what type of guy works for you. College is a great time to have a relationship under your belt. As we age, years fly by and we need to be careful of not getting stuck in a toxic loop with the wrong person. If you have reached a time in your life that you won’t settle for any guy who asks….It’s time to recognize who is ready to commit and who isn’t. Now onto the requirements….
Is he out of school?…..
A man is never ready to be serious if he is in school. He will never have time for you and will always put you last. When you still cling to this guy he will probably continue to sleep with you and then dump you once he has that nice paying job. Are there exceptions to this?…. sure, yet it’s a risky gamble with your time.
Speaking of a nice paying job….
Does he have a nice place to live, car, career? He will always say it’s the wrong time when he lacks these things. Once he is at a good point in his life, he is looking for the prize. You can’t get those years back when you thought being helpful would win him in the end…. It won’t. A nice place to live is also relative. He could have a one-bedroom apartment close to town, not a mansion in the Hollywood Hills.
Does he respect your needs?….
Are you always on his schedule? Does he not put you into consideration with anything in his life? This is a big deal. Some men only want to treat you like a pet. He needs to see you as a human being and respect your boundaries and needs.
Is he a provider?….
He needs to make you feel taken care of. It doesn’t always mean being a provider with money. What happens when you are sick with a cold? Do you just receive a text or does he come over with soup and medicine?
Is he supportive of your dreams?….
Maybe you want to start a vegan cupcake shop. Does he have a supportive ear, or does he only bring up the cons? Men tend to want to fix and solve problems. Yet, if the tone is always discouraging, then it’s not helping you to move forward or get anything done. You need supportive people around.
How does he spend his money?….
No one wants a cheap boyfriend, and on the flip side, no one wants a big spender either. There needs to be a balance and healthy money habits.
What are his vices?….
Everyone has vices. We all have healthy coping mechanisms and unhealthy ones. Some people lean more on unhealthy coping. It can be a problem that to unwind he drinks a bottle of Jack and blacks out every weekend. Pay attention to how he deals with stress.
Does he have road rage?….
This might seem like a little thing, but do you dig your nails into the dashboard every time he drives. His disregard of not trying to keep you safe is alarming.
How does he fight?….
Are you always “the bitch” to him? Some people have zero emotional intelligence and just want to win no matter the cost. He might like fighting for fighting’s sake, or refuse to talk anything out and ignore you for a week. An argument should be constructive and fair. You both should solve the issue and be heard.
How does he make you feel overall?….
Does he always manage to stress you out or peer-pressure you? A partner should make you feel balanced and calm in a stressful situation. Of course, there will be times when there is a random fight or two. Check in with your gut. When you leave the date or his apartment, do you feel better than before, or do you feel amped and stressed?
Does he answer “your bid”?….
“The Gottman Institute” has some great resources for signs your partner is right or wrong for you. The biggie is called “the bid.” An example they use is, “Hey, look at that woodpecker in our yard!” Does he barely shift his gaze from his phone or does he get up and look out the window? One of the signs a couple will divorce is if the bid is not answered.
You heard rumors he has a wondering eye….
Being warned, or hearing though the grapevine that he is a player….listen. It’s probably true and he will deny it just to save face. It’s actually really easy to cheat and lie.
Are you both on the same page about what a relationship is?…..
Some guys call their friends-with-benefits their “girlfriend,” even though it’s purely a sex-based relationship with maybe take-out Chinese food here and there. This might sound shocking, but there are guys who don’t understand what true commitment is ( or they pretend not to). If “the talk” is brought up, ask what being exclusive means and let him speak first. You might be surprised what he has to say and realize you are on two entirely different wavelengths.
Bottom Line…..
Before you decide on becoming exclusive, think about what life stage he is in. It is true that at a certain age, men’s “cab light” turns on ( a la “Sex and the City”). He decides that now is the time to commit. He is done with school; everything is stable. When you are navigating your 20s, it’s normal to have a sampling of boyfriends to figure out your taste. Just don’t let that go on with one person past a year. When you reach your 30s, there needs to be more of a vetting process. Adult dating is having the freedom to simply shop around and date. You shouldn’t feel pressure from your parents, friends, or the guy wanting to be your boyfriend. Pay attention to the details before you make the leap to commitment.
Mostly Casual 