Should You Try Sober Dating?

Bad dating habits are sparked by one too many shots at the bar. One minute you are calm and collected then at the end of the night you are holding onto your heels and calling an Uber. Your dates might feel like a broken record of men shoving you into a casual dating box. If this is happening, it might be a good time to try sober dating. Unfortunately, there are some cons to doing so and some sacrifices. I had a sober period for a seven-year stretch or so and had many first dates in brightly lit coffee shops. (A huge con of sober dating is the atmosphere, usually is not romantic enough to set the mood and tone. I would encourage you to at least meet in the evening to create a better atmosphere). But regardless of all that, here are some signs you should give yourself a sober dating challenge….

All your first dates end in a hook up….

Liquid courage can take it a little too far and dissolve your boundaries. You are not giving yourself a chance to let him get to know you.

Men only view you as the “fun girl”…..

“The fun girl” is not exactly a compliment coming from men. It is hurtful since you probably have an education you worked hard at and managed to make a decent life for yourself. Yet all he sees is how many shots you can take.

You launch into therapy mode….

Trauma-dumping and spilling the beans is your go-to. It’s hard to recover from what has been said and you can’t unsay it. It’s tempting to go into intense sharing mode and it ruins your greatest power in early dating which is intrigue and mystery.

Your memory is not at its best….

If you happen to get a second date, you probably don’t remember the initial “getting to know you” conversation. He might accuse you of not listening to him and therefore not caring. 

The good vibes shift into bad….

There are different types of drunks. The worst kind will completely shift the vibe and get angry or defensive. You could start fights or get confrontational out of nowhere.

Safety is not your #1 concern….

Staying safe in any regard needs to be a priority on a first date. You don’t know this guy and also you need to consider a safe way to get yourself home. He might take advantage of your helplessness in a dramatic way or mild way, or you put yourself and others in danger by being careless.

Bottom Line…..

At worst, you are becoming reckless with drinking, but even just giving off the wrong impression can be bad. Listen….. not saying you should never have a classy wine date, etc. My point is if you are relating to any of the signs, then it might be a great opportunity to rein it in a little. We all have different stages of casual dating whether we want total abundance or want to be intentional. Personally, for me, the pendulum has swung to taking a hiatus and regrouping after a year of saying yes to anything. January is the perfect time to reflect and decide what is working and what isn’t. I use the whole month to get focused on goals and to set the tone for the rest of the year. Understand what you are dating for. What are your dating goals? Don’t go by society standards and really figure out what type of dating will work best for you. Or maybe it’s a great time to be truly single and not have all the noise of dating to distract you.

The Types Of Dates For New Year’s Eve

We all would like a committed boyfriend on New Year’s Eve, or at least a great kiss. However, being casual and single presents the in-between options that all have different meanings and experiences. The hill I will die on is that New Year’s Eve is a legit way to tell if your new boyfriend is taking the relationship seriously. Anything that isn’t fully committed is probably a mix of loneliness and at best wanting to get something started. I will say this is my biggest advice for singles without a date: don’t be on the prowl for men the whole night. I know you need that validation of getting that kiss, but you are wasting your whole night and your aura will be desperate. When you are leaving your house before you go out tell yourself internally that you are fine without a kiss and just want to enjoy yourself. Now onto the types of dates that can happen…..

The “We just started our relationship” date…

Ok, yea, pretty self-explanatory. It’s a great sign when a new boyfriend wants to be seen with you in public and kiss when the ball drops. Any hesitation is a huge red flag.

The “We are on a first date” date….

This could go ok…. I mean my advice is to vet the guy before to just see if there is any chemistry. With app dating you have no clue what you are getting and dressing up for the night takes time and effort. You don’t want to be stuck with someone. I would do a meet-and-greet before the big night.

The “We are friends who can kiss” date…..

No shame in this, in fact this is probably the least pressure. You can have fun and dance the night away, but there is no possessiveness involved and you are free to mingle and use the friend as a backup

The “We met at the club” date….

Anyone is who concerned who they will kiss at midnight is scooping out the hotties to kiss before midnight. He will see who bites and buy people drinks to see who sticks or not. I will say this can feel like a rollercoaster because you might think you have a secure kiss and then he is near the bathroom making out with someone else. 

The “ I am cheating on my wife” date….

Ok, this actually happened to me one year. I showed up solo for New Year’s and then this guy immediately starting chatting. Look out for guys willing to cheat, it can leave you with a yucky feeling at the start of the year.

The “set up” date…..

I love a good set up as long as there is some thought behind it. This is honestly a great opportunity to get introduced. You are looking more dressed up and are in a great mood. So go with it and see if there is a spark.

Bottom Line…

When you are single on New Year’s Eve there are more possibilities than you think. Be open to seeing what works best for you. It’s ok to try to organize a date if you feel weird riding solo for the night. Your safest bet is taking a gray-area friend with you to have fun. There is no pressure to stick with them all night, but they make a great back up. At the very least, try to do that and don’t be laser-focused on snagging that kiss. 

How Can A Guy Successfully Approach A Woman In Public

For a man it’s a tightwire act to approach a woman in public these days. The advice is to just “be a man” and “shoot your shot” while juggling not coming across as creepy. It’s understandable that most men have opted out of any in public interaction and rely solely on the apps. There is however, a wrong way and right way to get a woman’s attention. What are some dos and don’ts to keep in mind the next time you are at a bar and feeling brave?….

Don’t neg….

Listen…. Will it work on insecure women?… Maybe it did a decade ago. It’s so obvious you are doing a move, or you are just not a pleasant person to be around. Look, leading with negativity off the bat is just bad. I get that you don’t want to be the “nice guy,” but negging has a tipping point and will leave the receiver feeling yucky. She will associate that feeling whenever she sees you. Make people feel good in your presence. 

Do make a shared observation….

Great tip is to bond over something. Maybe something funny happened in the bar, or “Cotton-Eye Joe” started playing on the sound system. A knowing smile and laugh shared together is the perfect opening to strike up a conversation. This can only work when you are next to a girl at a bar or waiting in line for the bathroom. It’s not an across-the-room kind of thing. 

Don’t use a pickup line….

Even with self-awareness, it feels cringe. We have heard them all before since middle school. It’s not a hot take to use a “is that a mirror in your pocket…” shtick. It’s not funny enough to be taken seriously and shows you are maybe out of touch or inexperienced. 

Do ask a question….

Steer away from “what time is it”? That can come across as non-specific and not reading as flirting. A good one is asking about what drink she just ordered. Resist talking about appearance because it can come across as an insult. Even a seemingly harmless, “where did you get those shoes?” Could be interpreted as a question of taste not a compliment. 

Don’t approach if she is with friends….

If she is with a gal pal, then the friend will feel a little awkward and the “ugly friend.” It is a little rude to flirt with only one girl in the group. (Not saying you should flirt with all of them). It’s best to approach when she is separated from the group temporarily. 

Do offer to buy her a drink….

I will always accept a free drink, however I know it is buying my time. It is rude to take a free drink and walk away. If she rejects the drink, then this is the reason. The rookie move is opening with the drink offer. You have to feel out the vibe and chat for five to ten minutes. See if she is low on her drink or says she wants to get another. This is your cue to say, “oh, can I buy you a drink?” 

Don’t word vomit….

It’s a balance of flirting without taking it to a vulgar place. It’s best to stay in the polite lane, rather than being overly complimentary (Especially about appearance). This way, she will wonder where you stand about her. She might think it’s just a friendly interaction. The best strategy is to not show your cards. Having her wonder can work in your favor long term if she is interested. 

Do know when to abort the mission….

You have to be self-aware. Nothing worse than not picking up what people are putting down. Facial cues and body language speak volumes. It’s safer to assume she is not interested versus being overly cocky. Be prepared to walk away or not attempt at all based on her vibe or if she is in a large group. The only exception to be a little more forward would be if you are on vacation and have a time limit. 

Bottom Line….

When you land a successful “meet cute,” it will cause a ripple effect of confidence. Most men are traumatized by rejections that happened at the cafeteria in middle school. There is no harm to test the waters and strike up a conversation. A negative reaction could be because she is married or offended by your behavior. Honestly, in certain cases the more a person does not like you, the more polite they become. I end up going into costumer-service mode around people I do not like. Take baby steps instead of aggressively hitting on her. You sort of have to have a “hat in hand” attitude about starting an interaction. It does take practice which can honestly start with chatting more with a bartender or cashier. You need to get used to breaking the ice with strangers without crossing a line. The magic moment is the shared experience interaction which can segue perfectly into a nice introduction. 

Is “Hood Fishing” Ethical?

“Branding” yourself on the apps and in person is a tactic that should be used in dating. You want to highlight your strengths and understate your flaws. It’s tricky to toe the line of being 100-percent honest versus putting your best foot forward. For anyone who doesn’t know, a “catfish” is someone who is faking an identity and tricking someone to believe they are a completely different person. So what is “hood fishing”?… It translates to lying about your neighbor hood (where you live) to come off as more desirable, or see people in a higher population area. Is this ethical to your dates? Or a slight stretch that won’t matter long-term?…..

The reason to lie….

Anyone who doesn’t quite live in the heart of the city will fudge a bit just to date people in a larger area. They are more than willing to travel the extra distance. It is cooler to say you live in a city proper versus the outskirts.

 They could work in the city….

He or she may actually spend their entire week in the actual city. It might be practical to meet up for happy hour downtown after work. They might decide to move to the actual city eventually, it’s just a matter of finances at this point. 

The hosting person should try not to “hood fish”….

Some people are perfectly happy to host eventually. Usually, this is a person who lives in a better area anyway and has no roommates. It is more fun to stay at a person’s place who is walking distance to bars and restaurants. I still feel personally this should be the guy. Only because I have found that it’s more of a risk for a woman to disclose her location to strangers.

Long distance is always a challenge…..

The semi – long distance is way worse than across the country long distance. Living an hour plus away from each other does not seem like a deal breaker. However, with traffic your time is sucked away and you have to leave early to head back home, or you force closeness and spend the night too soon. It either rushes the dynamic or halts it from ever forming.

“Hood Fishing” for safety….

On the apps you can show your exact location. For a woman, or anyone concerned for safety, it’s best to not have an exact location. Go into your app setting and make sure the “precise location” button is off. It usually will throw you in the larger city bracket if you are close enough.

Don’t take it personal for not getting the second date….

Dating is hard enough to make it work with local people. When you factor in travel for a total stranger, it puts a strain on getting to know each other. Some people are more than willing to travel and are happy to do so. I just wouldn’t hold your breath.

Bottom Line….

“Hood Fishing” is a gray area in dating. It makes sense to tell a white lie about your living situation. For people who are in the city for most of the week it sort of makes sense to want to meet people downtown versus where your apartment complex is. It can be used as a safely precaution for people who don’t want to disclose their exact location. Honestly, any tricky obstacle can be used as a great excuse to not continue the relationship. You could be rejected off the bat, or they are happy to have the built-in excuse to keep the relationship casual and short term. When he is willing to do the inconvenient thing it is a better sign he is more serious (or you are his only option). It’s best to try to meet people who are in close proximity, if possible, so you can pace the relationship in a healthy way.

“Quiet Quitting” For Dating

There has been a lot of buzz about “quiet quitting” in an office setting. Meaning, not being a total slave 24/7 to your boss and putting up healthy boundaries to have a balanced life. This can translate into dating for people who tend to overextend themselves. With the apps, it’s tempting to send the first message and then keep up the pursuit. As a woman dating men, you run into guys who are excited to hook up, but are not pursuing you back. Being in a masculine energy creates a lot of “busy work” rather than results. How can you work smarter, not harder, when it comes to love?…..

Clock out more…..

Once you have the apps on your phone at your disposal, it’s easy to be on call 24/7. Turn off notifications and only get to swiping and chatting for an hour, tops, a day. 

Don’t give out all your contact info…..

When he has access to Snapchat, Instagram, your phone number…and the app… he will choose the lowest form of communication. Be strategic and only give out one way to contact you (preferably, not Snapchat)

Try not to circle back…..

Priorities are crystal clear in early dating. Anyone who has ever canceled, then wanted to reschedule in the distant future, had doubts (or found a better option). Yes, they can always say “work got crazy!” But if he knew work could have gotten in the way, the date would have been on a Sunday. Trying to revive the date and poke him to take you out never works.

Pick his brain before the date…..

Yes, a first date is all about vibes. However, it’s good to actually know his situation before you agree to meet. You need to know his living situation, what he is looking for, and anything that is a waste of time to you. Your time is precious and should not be given out willy-nilly. 

Take it offline….

There is a window of attraction for both parties. Some matches can live online forever. I have seriously matched with the same men for years. Expect your match to get to the point and ask you out within a 48-hour period.

Give 110% on appearance….

Do not phone in your look for a first date. Men fall in love with their eyes first, then they will see if you have a personality. However, consider the time and place. (You don’t want to wear a ball gown at a coffee shop). Just looked pulled together and feminine.

Only accept total synergy….

Yes, there are guys who are slow burns. On a first date, there should at least be some intrigue or attraction. It doesn’t have to be sexual. It could be a feeling of “knowing a person” or feeling at ease around them. Trust your gut with who you want to spend time with. Even if the connection only results in friendship, it’s much better than forcing a vibe. 

Bottom Line…..

Dating is hard work. And just like in an office setting, you are better off being strategic with your energy and time. A lot of time is wasted chasing the wrong guy who only wanted a hookup. Go out with your friends more and outsource to others for a setup. Your main job should be to dress up a bit more when you go out, even if it’s just hanging with friends. Turn off your notifications on the dating apps so you won’t be distracted all day long. Don’t get caught up for too long on a rejection. Think in abundance, not scarcity when it comes to a job and dating.

“The Vampire Method” For Making New Connections

It’s almost Halloween and it inspired me to take lessons from scary movies. Vampires have the best rule which is “to only enter if invited.” This to me always stuck around on the back burner of my brain. I identify as a go-getter in many things. Unfortunately, that can translate to scheming about how to hook men and to get friends to hang out with me. The vampires have all the time in the world and have figured out that maybe taking a step back is the way to go. How can you have eternal coolness like the vampires?…..

Let him make the first move…..

Whether it is in public or on the apps, let him take the plunge. In the book, “The Rules,” there is a huge chunk of the rules mainly stating that he needs to start the courting process. It’s the only way to truly know if he is actually interested or just being polite. It can save you a lot of therapy sessions and late night texts with your girlfriends. 

Dip your toe in slowly for new friends…..

My go-to method for making new friends, for me, did not evolve past kindergarten. I used to very quickly smoother a new friend and proclaim, “we are best friends now.” In adult friendship you want to build up more second-and-third tier friends for socializing.

Ask three separate times then pull way back…..

Most social interaction is reading between the lines and picking up on social cues. When you get hit with excuses rather than scheduling, stop reaching out. No one wants to be rude and say they don’t enjoy your company. You have to take it upon yourself to move on and not bother that person. 

The three signs a first date doesn’t want to see you again….

The telltale signs you will get ghosted are: 1. He doesn’t offer to buy you a drink or coffee, 2. There is no physical contact (touching arm, hug, kiss etc), 3. He leaves saying, “it was great meeting you” with no plan for a second date. Will he still orbit you on social media? Absolutely. However, he will not ask you out again. Save yourself time and forget about him.

Be careful about giving out info or getting contact info….

Some bar friends are simply that. Trying to expand it to the next level will end in confusion. When you go out and bond with people over shots, enjoy the moment. Yes, there will be a mutual feeling that this is bigger than one night. Just don’t shove your phone in their face while they reluctantly type in a number. It’s best to just live your life and more than likely you will bump into each other again. 

Get invited rather than suggest….

As a general rule it always feels better to be invited. When it comes to courtship never invite yourself over to his place no matter how casual the dynamic is. He will more than likely say he is busy or, worst case, you go over and he plays video games the whole time. With new friends you will find out how a person cares when you are on the invite list. 

Bottom Line…..

Making new connections doesn’t have to be a horror show. It will be less confusing when you look at this face value rather than making things happen. On your end, be that bubbly person that is a delight to be around. No one wants a sulky Sally who only brings down the vibe. If you are going to invite a friend, pick an event (band playing, karaoke, comedy show) so there is more incentive for them to come out. Allow yourself to be courted. It can be frustrating to wait on the sidelines, but it feels so good to be invited and have dates planned by him. Follow the “Vampire Method” all year round to avoid social faux pas. 

How To Move On From A Twin Flame

Yes, this article is going to be woo-woo….But tis the season of spooky. I understand that most people roll their eyes when someone brings up auras or Saturn returns. I do take such things with a grain of salt, yet I couldn’t deny that I have a twin flame. I was listening to “Girls Gotta Eat” podcast and their guest was “Mystic Michaela.” She is a psychic medium and reads auras. For the first five minutes of the episode I was a little skeptical, but kept listening. Then twin flames were brought up and my jaw dropped. I realized that she was describing a person that I could never seem to get over and it was the biggest heartbreak in my life.…

So let’s break down what a twin flame is…

Michaela explains it so well. She also has her own podcast called, “Know Your Aura with Mystic Michaela.” The episode titled, “Twin flames, soul mates, and kindred spirits” really breaks it down. Basically a soul was split in half and put into different bodies. Not everyone will meet their twin flame because it goes though multiple timelines. Ending up with your twin flame is rare because of this. If you do meet your twin flame, it is a sign that your are going to change spiritually and it is a message. You will have a honeymoon phase where you can’t be apart….then…problems come up. There will be a runner and a chaser and it will not make any sense why you can’t just be together. Then you will finally separate. He might pop in and out of your life. You could run into him in the grocery store or get a random text here and there. Dreams about him will be common, especially when he is still in your life.

So… what can we do about it?….

Listening to the podcast really helped me. I finally felt validated for feeling the way I did. Unfortunately, there really isn’t anything to be done about it. It might trigger him to be around you, who knows. Either way, it will be memorable and teach many lessons from how you treat relationships going forward.

He will fade away once the lesson is learned….

You will go though angry resentful phases with him. I actually blocked him for over a year. Yet the second I decided to unblock him he sent me a text a day later. There will be a lot of yo-yo interactions where you won’t know where you stand, yet he keeps reaching out. However, he will fade out once you are healed and in a new place in your life.

Be grateful for meeting him….

I met him the worst year of my life and then my life got a lot more calm after that. Think about the situation with love and gratitude. It hurts to grow and change into better people. He could have pushed you to grow since he is your mirror. It can feel raw to look at yourself and see your worst qualities reflected back onto you.

Go though the normal break up protocol….

If it’s still fresh then yes, block, unsubscribe, and give yourself space. It’s not a good idea to tell him you are twin flames. That probably won’t go over well. Just mourn the loss and then date new people. This is very simple advice to give and it can be agony to not be able to reach out. He had been blocked, unblocked, deleted from my phone so many times. He is the reason why I needed to write about dating and hopefully prevent someone from making the same dating mistakes I did.

Only talk to spiritually woke friends about it….

Your friends who don’t get it will probably laugh at you. Keep the information private and only express it to your witchy friends. It is hard to get the skeptics to be on board with this kind of thing. You do not need to force your point of view on them. Just explain it was a rough breakup that is hard to get over.

Bottom Line….

If you have gone though it, then I feel your pain. This situation isn’t having an abusive boyfriend. All the conflict will be just confusion and frustration. If you are still in the angry phase, just be by yourself. You really do need to build a life without him. I wouldn’t advise you spending a fortune on spammy tarot readings and breaking curses. Protect yourself and just gather information. Not everyone meets their twin flame and that’s totally fine. You will not have to go though intense heartbreak and that’s good. Either way grow from it and look at it with gratitude when you are ready.

The Sneaky Link: Why Guys Hide Women

I just came across the term “sneaky link.” It essentially means keeping a person as a secret hookup. No social media posts, no bar hopping, and most importantly, no telling friends. It comes down to the harsh truth of dating that a man can be attracted in the bedroom, but not enough to be proud to take you in public and claim you as his. However, there are actions that can prevent a secret hookup from happening. This was a brief subplot in the show “Sex and the City.” It was in the early seasons where Carrie chats with a man who has an amazing sex life with a woman he did not take in public. Carrie asks why he can’t take her on dates? He explains that she doesn’t fit the physical mold and ideal for him. So, he just keeps her in the dark to save himself from embarrassment. It’s a hard tough-love thing to write about, but I had to come to terms with it because it’s happened to me over and over again. What are the reasons and preventable things to block the dreaded “Sneaky Link”?….

Never go to his place of residence…..

In early dating, he will try his hardest to get you to “watch a movie” at his place. Don’t go. You need to smoke him out and know he wants to be seen with you in public. It’s tempting to save money, not stress about a going-out outfit, and being cozy on the couch. Yet, you haven’t built the trust with him yet. He could totally see you as the late night secret hookup girl.

Look your best….

This one….is the tough one to hear. I am speaking to myself too. I have let myself go a little over the years. A lot of late-night pizza and not being super strict with my diet has resulted in not being at my ideal weight. Our current society standards are not fair for women. We are competing with celebrities who are receiving constant plastic surgery. Either way, there is an expectation and a difference when a man sees you as representing him in public. You probably already know when your appearance is slipping by how you are treated. “Pretty privilege” is a real thing and you will receive more positive attention and people going the extra mile when you look good. As humans, we judge based on appearance. Everyone feels comfortable by someone who looks healthy, clean, and put together. Notice how you are being treated on dates. Anything less than him doting on you and going the extra mile means he is not attracted.

Have high standards of what a date is…..

You are the one who decides what type of date you get. It will feel like you are in a business negotiation sometimes. It’s better to state what your values are, rather than caving to a guy’s selfish needs. You won’t get a humanitarian plaque to hang on your wall for being accommodating. If anything, he will respect you less for not having a spine. As a reminder, a date is in public where he pays for you.

Shift your energy back…..

This will not click in your brain until it happens in reverse to you. I have had guys who I did not like all that much, so my energy was not towards them. This causes a guy who likes you to push forward and chase. Once you see it done to you, it illuminates how you were acting and coming across. When you like a guy your brain will shut off and we will become impulsive. Texting him, asking him to hang out, agreeing to come by late night. Even just taking him off a pedestal and not have him consume your thoughts is a start.

Date for dates….

Going back to the in-public thing. Date to go on dates and enjoy your time together. Truly this is the best part of dating. Go to events, check out a music show, dance in the bars. A man who wants a shortcut does not value you. He will say, “it’s so expensive to go out,” “I don’t feel like seeing people – just come over,” “I just want to relax.” All of this translates to “I don’t see a need to pursue you or convince you to be with me.” When he is saying any variation of this, he doesn’t see you as girlfriend material or high value. He wants a free lunch where he does not need to claim you. Or worse, he doesn’t want to risk running into someone he knows with you on his arm.

Bottom Line….

It is never fun to be a “sneaky link.” A guy should be excited to show you off to his friends and take you on dates. Are there f*boys who do this to every woman they meet on the apps?….sure. However, it’s better to have firm boundaries and not give that type of guy what he wants. A “take it or leave it” attitude is because he does not value you as a real option. The hard truth is to admit that maybe you aren’t looking your best. This can be earth- shattering for women and full of trauma, so try to be as gentle as possible. View it as motivating to get better and on a healthy track for yourself. The most important thing is to never cave and fall into being a secret hookup. This means playing defense and only accepting public dates. You can’t be a secret when you are out in public together. But you will be a secret if you agree to hide in his home for every hangout.

The Attraction Window For Early Courting

The greatest debate in dating…. When should you have sex? In building a relationship, dangling the carrot helps you in getting a guy to lock it down. Unfortunately, desire and attraction are not on your timetable. Now, especially in our fast-paced dating world, we get distracted by another shiny object faster than having patience in building a relationship. In a casual mindset, this question does not usually come up. With courting and getting into a solid relationship not based on sex, it becomes tricky. The worry is if you give it up too soon, you will land in a Netflix and chill universe forever. But if you wait too long, you get friend-zoned. I will say that when you really like a guy you will always feel better by not hooking up. There is a gray area where you are trying to build up desire while trying to communicate boundaries. What are some things to keep in mind in an early courting stage?….

Mindset matters….

You hear a lot about the girl who had the one-night stand and then now she is married to him with three kids. More than likely, he was ready for commitment and she happened to come along. It is important to listen when he tells you what stage he is currently in. Either way, it’s not advisable to hook up after knowing each other for two hours.

You might get the ick….

You are part of the equation, too. There is a reason why a lot of men are thrown into the friend zone or it never gets off the ground. Attraction has an expiration date for most women. If a man is taking his time and not keeping up with constant dates, it becomes an out-of-sight, out-of-mind situation.

You could be friend-zoned….

Without attraction, anticipation, and desire you could either be forgotten or friend-zoned. It is important to not treat dates as job interviews and keep it light fun and a dash of sexy.

When is the right time?….

The safest and most bulletproof answer is wait until you become an exclusive relationship. His decision will be made faster when there is true desire. The window can be a short window when he is super-attached and in a commitment mindset.

Chemistry and timing…..

In the show “How I Met Your Mother,” the character Robin explains to Ted that the most important thing in love is “chemistry and timing.” Unlike rom coms, he having to move to Nebraska for work might not prompt him to propose just to keep you. Timing and practicality usually override most romantic feelings.

Bottom Line….

The relationship window might be closing faster than you think. With the distraction of options from the apps, Instagram, and any other platform, it’s easier to friend-zone or simply ghost. The hookup should never be rushed; rather, create desire and anticipation. He being in a commitment mindset will help speed his decision along. However, timing and practicality could stand in the way and close the window for good. Getting friend-zoned usually means there is not enough chemistry and there is nothing to look forward to. Once there is natural chemistry you need to create an environment of desire and anticipation in a playful way.

When It’s Okay To Take A Dating Hiatus

Taking a dating pause is a great debate in dating. The fear is that taking a month off will result in you fumbling every new date and getting out of the loop. My rebuttal to not taking a break is: you only have one chance to make a good first impression. Taking a step back in dating usually means not being in your masculine and trying to make things happen. When you start to get close to burnout it is usually because you are the one putting in all the effort. The apps can suck the time out of your day. Consider deleting the apps for a period of time and see how much energy and time you were spending. What are things your should consider before you decide to take a dating hiatus?…..

Are your basic needs being met?….

In the pyramid of needs the base of the triangle (basic needs) need to be met. The next block up is a job, your own place, a circle of friends and anything that enriches your life. Some women will bypass the basics and fill the hole with a boyfriend thinking he will fix everything for her.

“When I lose ten pounds I will date”….

This is the biggest debate. Should you wait to date until you have lost weight and improved your appearance? My take is something in the middle, which is scale back dating and focus more on you. Having a tantrum while throwing dresses on your floor before a date needs to stop. Looking and feeling your best, plus your energy, is what is going to make a huge difference in a first date.

Friends should be a priority before dating….

Men come and go, but friends stick around. There will be a time when you are married with no friends. Take advantage of friendship and having people to go out with. If you have lost your core friend group to moving or marriage, then make it a priority to build up a new circle. Make friends through other friends, going out solo more, and try out Bumble BFF.

Your first conversation will be more interesting when you have things to talk about….

Interesting people do interesting things. Your “getting to know you” conversations will be less painful when you take a dating breather. Live your life! You can’t talk about other dates on a new date. Take stock in the last time you traveled or have been on a girls’ trip. Enrich your stories with fun concerts, traveling, and starting a new hobby.

Are your holding yourself back?….

Women are taught to always be open to love. Men are taught to get their life together first then settle down. Society is totally okay with you being unemployed and friendless, but still dating. Going on endless first dates can be a huge distraction to reaching your goals. Men would never drop everything to be with you or give up a great opportunity. Yet women would do so without thinking twice. Unless you feel 100 percent comfortable with your job, living situation, friend group, then scale back with dating.

Bottom Line….

You can’t have everything all at the same time. When there is no foundation the house will fall down. Over-dating can totally be a thing for people. You need to feel like you have things to talk about and a solid friend group to spend time with. A man will not come along and fix all your problems. Going on dates not feeling confident is like putting money in a broken vending machine. Your energy is what’s going to get you a second date. It’s totally fine to take a hiatus and focus on you. You’ll come back wiser, hotter, and have some amazing stories to tell.