Don’t Bring Sand To The Beach: Why You Need To Be Single For Freshmen Year

“Bringing sand to the beach” is a saying I go to for this scenario. There were two camps of people I met freshmen year of college: The ones who recently became single and the, “hold on… going to step out for a call” people. In my experience, the orientation is crucial in making your friends for the rest of the year. Nothing can replace that tight bond you form the first week. Why is it a good idea to end things with your high school boyfriend before you start your next chapter?…

The first semester freshmen year will set the tone….

Unless you are going to college in your hometown, it’s very overwhelming to get adjusted. First night there you will realize that you don’t have to text your mom and can stay out until 4am. Your newfound freedom will be dampened by your high school boyfriend sending “concerned” and passive-aggressive text messages telling you to “stay safe.”

“So, I should transfer to his college, right?”….

Please don’t. Not only will he grow tired of you always being in his dorm, it will hold you back from your education. Your education is not only your classes, it’s learning to deal with your bitchy roommate who leaves her shoes by the door for you to trip on, or that finicky coffee maker you bought second hand. With a safely-net boyfriend you fail to learn fundamental “adult” skills.

Friends will stop including you if you flake all the time….

Don’t be the “you guys go ahead, I’m going to hang back” girl. You only get these wild experiences for one time period in your life. They call college “glory days” for a reason. You can’t exactly steal a traffic sign and nail it to your wall in your 30s. Nor can you sleep on a rock hard futon with a full face of makeup as an adult without needing a chiropractor.

Everyone is newly single….

Eventually, the high school sweethearts will break up. This will open up the campus to “single and ready to mingle” wide-eyed people. Not saying you should be the dorm whore, but opportunities will be open to meet your future college sweetheart.

If your high school boyfriend wants it to work he will try….

You being practical and saying you should end things might light a fire under his ass. There is no losing when you end things with him. Either it will save you from heartbreak where you see him in a Snapchat story with another girl or that awkward moment when you meet his new friends on his campus and try to figure out what girl he made out with the first night. It’s a big headache that isn’t worth dealing with. Fate will work things out if you and your high school boyfriends are meant to marry.

Never make long-term decisions based on a man….

This lesson carries for the rest of your life. No, you shouldn’t move for your weird situationship when he decides to try van life in Denver. Never move for a man unless there is a wedding date and you can’t get a deposit back on a venue. A man would never zig and zag for you if his education or job was at stake. He will probably say point blank: “don’t move for me.” Make decisions for you and you only!

Bottom Line…..

Seizing opportunities means you need to be a free agent. The worry and drama of what your high school boyfriend is up to will drive you crazy. You need to open yourself up to meet new amazing people. These new people will become your college besties who may join you in adulthood. Don’t waste the bonding time by looking backwards. Never make long-term decisions based on a man’s life. Make a man inconvenienced to show he isn’t dating out of convenience. Most importantly, choose your education and future before anyone else.

Less Money, More Problems: How Does Money Affect Relationships?

In an ideal world, money and relationships would not matter. There are always issues of power if the woman makes more money, or if both partners have no money. Personally, I have always struggled with money. I have worked in restaurants and have lived that bohemian life. Mainly, I have gotten into relationships with men who are restaurant workers while playing in a band. This has been restrictive to what sort of dates we could go on. It’s not practical to take a weekend off and fly to Hawaii or go to a fancy restaurant.

Being poor does not mean he is lazy…..

He might be trying to get a PhD or has a ton of student loan debt. It’s pretty common for young people to not be doing as well as their parents. He might have to live with roommates in a high rent situation. Nowadays, living in a city costs way more and is at the point of being not affordable.

What can you do if money is holding you back?….

It’s frustrating that you cannot go on nice dates. So getting to know a new guy results in maybe a cheap lunch and hanging at his apartment. This doesn’t really last long and it ends up resulting in a friends-with-benefits or casual relationship.
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To avoid this, here are a few ideas of what you can do that are free or very cheap….

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Go to the beach or lake- If you are lucky enough to live near a body of water, take advantage. It’s fun to spend the day enjoying the sun and relaxing.

Go on a hike- This isn’t for everyone, but it’s always nice to get fresh air.

Get a slice of pizza- Usually the slices are massive and you can get cheap beer with it.

Go to day festivals or a local fair- There will music, people watching, and a fun atmosphere.

Play hide and seek in a mall- It feels silly and brings out childlike energy and competition.

Play patio games- Some restaurants have corn hole or ring toss games.

See free or cheap entertainment- Some local theaters shows are around $10. Open mics can be free or a small fee.

Take advantage of happy hour or food specials- Going out on a Saturday will be crowded and you will be paying more. Restaurants and bars give out deals during the week.

Go to the dollar theater- Not every city has this, but you could go to a matinee and sneak in snacks.

Play a drinking game- Most drinking games are “getting to know you” games. For non-drinkers you can just play the games without drinking

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Can you get serious with a guy with no money?….

There are types of people who can be very wealthy… yet cheap. He might be a penny-pincher and see no need to spend his paycheck on you. Not saying he has to buy you a diamond necklace or be your sugar daddy. For example, does he buy you cough medicine and soup when you are sick? He needs to show you he is a provider no matter what his budget is.

Don’t let him guilt you into treating him on the date….

Sure…there might be situations where you split something. However, he should never pressure you into paying for both of you on a date. It just shows he is taking advantage and isn’t trying to impress you. All dates should be within his budget instead of picking a fancy place where you are forced to go dutch. (Keep in mind this is date night! You could just stay home when money is tight). Another reason to never pay for both of you is that you will expect him to grovel at your feet. When he gives you a mild “thanks” you will resent it.

Keep living arrangements separate…..

Especially when there is a gap in your finances. There will always be a fight about who pays for what. The problem lies when men are making less. He will usually not be inclined to pitch in with keeping up with cleaning or grocery runs. Resentment will be at an all time high and you will slip into parenting mode, rather than partners.

If a man strikes it rich, he might feel the need to upgrade…..

This can happen with men who reach a level of fame or prestige. You have to keep in mind that you might be with him while he is poor, then suddenly he makes it big and leaves you. This isn’t always the case, but it can certainly happen. So, don’t think that you found a wounded bird to bring back to life. He will more than likely leave you behind, and you will feel dumb about trying to help him with his finances. Be with him in the present, not his potential.

Bottom Line…..

Money always causes the most fights in a relationship. The important thing is seeing if he is wanting to be a provider, regardless of his paycheck. You can’t expect a guy on a limited budget to take you on a week-long vacation in Cancun. Sometimes, if there is too much of a gap in money, it does not work long term since one person is used to a certain lifestyle. In modern society, a woman still wants to feel taken care of even if she makes more money than him. Remember that liking a man for his potential is a bad idea. Sure, he might get that raise or win the lottery, you just can’t count on it. Plus he might want to upgrade and leave his past life behind, which includes you.

The Polite Rejection

If you are like me, you would rather be a kind soul until the bitter end. Even if it results in your foot being run over by a car because you thought it was rude to bring attention to it. To me this manifests the most in dating. As women, we are taught that the worst thing we can do to a man is lead him on and reject him. Rejection has made unstable guys shoot up a movie theater or start a podcast. However, saying yes to literally everything has consequences. The second you agree you are now locked in and it’s even harder to say no to other things men want. Believe it or not, people actually like as many things in black and white as possible. I would much rather hear a soft “no” then a wishy-washy “maybe.” But how do we actually say no to keep both parties happy?…..

Mind your manners….

There is no reason to not be polite. This is the key to wiggle out of any plans. The nicer you are, the less he can argue. (It is a huge sign a person is not into you if he goes into costumer-service mode). He cannot say you are a bitch, or heartless. Say things like, “thank you so much for asking, but I am going to pass,” “thanks for thinking of me, but no thank you,” “that’s sweet of you, but I don’t feel the spark.”

He will think you are playing hard to get….

If you have been clear and polite and have conveyed the message, your work is done. He will try to rope you in and convince you. Don’t fall for it. Also, do not fall for him acting sad and trying to manipulate you. Stop answering after you have made your statement and block him if he persists.

You don’t have to make up a boyfriend….but….

Sometimes, the boyfriend card is your last card to play. Men will only leave you alone if he believes there is another man in the picture. I know this sucks, but he is more loyal to the bro code rather than you feeling violated.

Don’t let him have access to everything….

Creep guys like multiple ways to contact you. It’s a red flag if he asks for every social media you have. He hopes you will forget to block him on every platform.

Don’t let anyone say you are rude for turning down a guy….

“Rejecting a date with a man! How could you!?”….anyone who thinks you are dramatic for turning down a date lives in scarcity and is projecting their own fears on you.

Your intuition matters…..

As a woman, your gift is intuition. It’s a gut reaction that will let you know something is off. Even the tiny things, like you don’t like how he walks or speaks. Your first impression feelings are almost always right. Trust your own feelings when he texts or when you spend time with him. Are you excited to see him or do you hesitate? Also…sometimes “butterflies” and feeling really nervous is actually your intuition warning you.

Bottom Line…..

When rejecting a man, it should be quick, clear, and polite. The longer you draw it out, the more he will guilt you. This can apply with family or friends. When you say right away that you won’t be making it…weirdly, they are less angry. Saying maybe is actually more rude than actually giving them a heads up pronto. If you have concisely said your message, there is no negotiation…that’s your answer. Be clear, be polite, and block if necessary.

The One Date Wonder

Casual daters usually go on one date, then move on to the next person. The majority of dates are just ok, not spectacular. Since we have so much choice with just a few swipes, there is more pressure on the first encounter. Most of the time, we are making a few mistakes that prevent us from moving to the next date or to be taken seriously. However, most one-date wonders are two people not on the same page about what they are looking for. Keep these things in mind and see if you are guilty of any of these first date no-nos….

Are your pictures on the app outdated?….No one likes to be lied to, or cat-fished. “Kitten Fish” is a term used for people who use photos from a decade ago when they were thinner, had completely different hair, and younger. It is deceiving to your date and anyone will feel duped. Your photos on apps and even selfies on Instagram expire after two years. (Have head shots and body shots). If you get ghosted after every date, this could be the reason.

Are you going on marathon dates?….If you are going to dinner, then seeing a band play, then karaoke, and finally a late-night snack, you are way overdoing it. A guy may have spent too much time and money to take you out again. You are probably telling your whole life story and all your baggage in one night. Keep dates to 2 hours tops if it is going well. (If he has traveled a distance for you then four hours is fine). Try to cut it off sooner than later; give him a reason to take you out again. In the movies, a couple will go on a marathon date and it seems fun, carefree, and romantic. Keep in mind it’s not fun to write a screenplay about a couple who went on a date for an hour.

Are you talking shop?….

If you are in similar field or work in the same department, it’s tempting to talk about work. You want to come off as smart and you spent a lot of money on education. You want to give out advice and before you know it, you have become business partners, not lovers.

Are you talking about past dates?….

We all know not to talk about the ex, but talking about past Tinder dates is rude, too. I have found if a guy brings up the apps, then he isn’t taking the date seriously and sees you as another swipe.

Are you getting drunk and going home with him?….

Sure, there have been tales and legends about how that one girl got married to the guy that she slept with after knowing him for ten minutes. Unfortunately, you can’t undo the situation. It attracts the guys who were looking for free sex for the night.

Are you listening to what he is telling you?….Going back to the one-night stand thing, do you know what he is looking for? He probably already told you he is looking for a hookup, but you ignored it. If you didn’t follow though, then you will most likely be ghosted. Weed out these guys and go out with the ones that don’t lead with sex.

Are you just not that into him?…..

Sometimes, it’s not you. You can crack jokes all night and be as charismatic as possible. A first date is improv. If he isn’t “yes anding” you, then it makes it difficult to make a connection.

Bottom Line…..

A one-date wonder happens a lot regardless of your actions. There is so much choice and most people are not technically single. So, don’t beat yourself up. I am guilty of doing all these, some all in one date. Listen to what he is telling you before you decide to meet. Weed out the guys who say they want casual. Pace yourself and leave him wanting more; a long date is always regrettable and does not leave mystery. Remember that you are two strangers meeting, so it is rare that it will take off. The important thing is to know what you are getting into and to remember to have fun.

Shot Girl Summer: How To Have A Shoot-Your-Shot Mindset Without Getting Shot Down

There has been a lot of buzz about “shot girl summer.” Girls are waxed and vaxxed and ready to hit the bars. The mindset is great to have, especially if you spent last summer in your blanket cocoon on your couch. However, in practice, it might not pan out in your favor if you don’t play it right. You could get a swift stab of rejection that you did not anticipate, resulting you downing your shot of tequila then tearing up in the bathroom. How do you have the shot girl mindset without the risk of being shot down?….

The message is the best takeaway…

Shot girl summer is basically about putting yourself out there and taking risks. This in itself is a good perspective and encourages you to have fun and gain new experiences. It should mean saying yes to plans, parties, cookouts, meeting as many new people as possible, and not getting caught up in the seriousness of dating

Shot girl is masculine

In your masculine, you will saunter up to that guy and ask for his number. His reaction could range from being interested in hooking up for the night to mildly declining. However, worst case, he embarrasses you in front of everyone by asking if your cute friend is single.

How can shot girl be feminine?….

Shot girl summer puts pressure on a woman to have to spend 2 hours getting ready, then having to do all the heavy lifting once she gets to the bar. You honestly should only have to show up and look good and let the guys do the work.

Get your friends on board….

Hang out with the friends who are going to lift you up and introduce you to people. Do the same for your friends. You might host a party where singles drink out of green solo cups and coupled-up people drink out of red solo cups.

Get yourself a pool / beach buddy….

Befriend someone who has an apartment pool or go to the beach with a friend. The pool / beach is the place to show off in a feminine way. Wear your most flattering bikini, open a cooler full of drinks, and the boys will swoop in.

Bottom Line…..

The message of being brave and putting caution to the wind is a good jumping-off point. In practice, it might not materialize into the perfect rom-com moment. Getting rejected can sting for a long time and might smother your hot flame. It’s best to gain social intelligence and play to your feminine strengths rather than diving head first with masculine energy. However, if it’s extremely important for you to make the first move and ask guys for their number, then go for it! If it makes you feel empowered, then by all means try it. If you just want to dip your toe in, then a good approach is to create social scenarios that will result in you getting introduced and meeting new people.

The Pre-Date Part 2

I have spoken about the importance of a “pre-date” period of time to make a smooth transition into the date. It’s important to have a 40-minute buffer to use your phone, get a glass of wine to relax, and use the bathroom. But what if you are really nervous and you need to shake off that energy from the moment you wake up?

Get your expectations right….

Before you show up to the date, curb your enthusiasm. The phrase, ” love like you’ve never been hurt” should not apply to online dating. You need to be slightly on guard and get to know him in bite-size form. Take the date at face value and get into the present.

Limit your caffeine….

Coffee might not be your friend when your body is over-powered by adrenaline. If you are sensitive to caffeine, then make a point to have one small cup in the morning, then cut it off.

Take a walk….

Get your mood and mind right and go on a long stroll. Listen to a podcast and get fresh air.

Really give yourself time to try on outfits….

When the pressure is on to look good you might want to burn your entire closet to the ground. Give yourself plenty of time to try on multiple outfits. Anything that is rushed and causes stress is not the vibe you want leaving the house.

Make sure you have eaten….

Either grab something on the way or eat before you leave the house. Sometimes dates will be at a weird hour and you might not know if dinner will be involved. Never go into a date starving and needy. Once you get there you need to be relaxed and ready to chat.

Figure out your parking situation….

Parking at a two-hour meter can actually be helpful. It can be a great exit strategy. Time tends to slip away if you are having fun, yet it can also be a godsend if the date is super-awkward.

The hype playlist….

You can make a playlist to get yourself in a good mood. Studies have shown that music will boost your mood if the right songs are played. Bring your headphones and listen to a song or two that you know makes you want to dance. Stay away from sad music or anything too zen.

The drink or two….

I have said that if you need it, go ahead and get that glass of wine to relax. Limit yourself to one so you don’t overdo it. It’s just meant to get you relaxed and in a controlled state. You can also drink a relaxing tea; just avoid coffee.

Be careful who you text….

It’s fine to discuss your upcoming date with friends maybe a few days before. Right before the date you never know what a friend might say. (A snarky “good luck” might put you in a weird head space.) Limit who you speak to and only respond to urgent matters, then turn your phone on silent.

Do not swipe on the apps or respond to messages…..

It’s not good form to go down that rabbit hole. Turn off notifications for Tinder and Snapchat before you leave the house. You need to get in the zone with the guy you are actually meeting.

The last check….

Do your last check in the bathroom mirror to make sure your makeup is not smeared and your hair looks right. Have mints in your purse and travel perfume.

Bottom Line….

It’s all about the details that can set you up for success. A date should be a fun and relaxing experience. It’s easier to pick up on vibes when you are calm and in the present moment. If you get in a good mood earlier in the day, then it will carry over to the evening date. Limit your caffeine and boost your mood by taking a long walk to shake off the nervous energy. Remind yourself that it’s just a date with the only goal to have a great conversation and stay in the present.

Can A Guy Really Be Out Of Your League?

In dating, attitude is everything! If you think every guy is “so out of your league,” first off, probably not true, but secondly, that attitude and mind-set hurts your self-worth. Every guy has a type, and you might be surprised what his type is. Men base chemistry on physical attraction, then figure out the rest later. Things that women worry about such as her job, living situation, and how many friends she has means very little to a guy. What really matters is if you are his type and your easy-going attitude…..

What if he is rich and you are poor?…..

Because of dating apps, different classes and cultures are in reach. It used to be that you had to be a part of his social circle. Having said that, it might not mean you will be accepted by his community. If you are able to adapt into his world, then it can work. A difference in upbringing isn’t always a deal breaker.

What if he is semi-famous or super-popular?….

A man like this has a lot of admirers and options. The important thing is not to act like a fan girl. If everyone is freaking out in his presence, then you should play it cool. See if he reaches out to you, just don’t neg him or use heavy sarcasm. A lot of girls make the mistake of acting too cool in front of him. Keep the middle road and be sweet, but not overly available and eager. There are countless examples of a celebrity with a “normal” person.

What if he speaks five languages and has three degrees?….

It is easy to feel intimidated by someone’s education and intelligence. Not every guy wants his equal. He might be exhausted by school or philosophical conversations. Sometimes, it is nice to relax and have fun with a person.

What if he is a model?….

Models are surprisingly insecure. You would think they would be the most confident people out there. Even if he looks like a model, he might feel that is all he has to offer. Most importantly, his type might surprise you. It’s not always the case, but a dude with an 8-pack might want a girl who isn’t obsessed with fitness.

What if he was married before?….

If you have never been married or in a serious relationship, you think he is judging you. However, he might feel relieved that you don’t have a baby-daddy or a toxic ex-husband.

What if he is younger / older?….

For the most part, men in their 20s worship women in their 30s and 40s. They appreciate their wisdom and chill attitude. Older men love younger women. If he is 40-plus, he will more so favor women in their 20s or early 30s. Don’t get too caught up with age. It might help you stand out.

Bottom Line….

Thinking a guy is out of your league is a defense mechanism. You want to put some blame on an outside factor. It really comes down to types and preferences. If he doesn’t approach you, it’s not because he thinks you are poor or a mere peasant in his presence. Keep in mind he wants to be with you for a reason; you add something to his life. A guy hanging out with a girl out of pity probably never happens. If he is pursuing you and making an effort, then accept that he likes you and just relax.

How To Disappear

A crush is called that for a reason…it’s crushing. Most of the time, we are prolonging the pain by putting the person in our face more than we need to. If you are trying to get over a crush, the best method is to disappear for as long as possible. I went thought this recently. My crush got a new girlfriend and paraded her around me. I mean…to be fair, he didn’t know I was going to be there. Anywho… any celebrity scandal is handled by hiding out and not making waves. Before you know it, you are over to the next drama and the sticky situation is forgotten. But how can you really go dark and preserve your emotional well-being? Here are a few don’ts to keep in mind if you are already in a spiral….

Don’t orbit him….

You can mute, block, unfollow, unsubscribe. Yes, you might fear this is showing your cards. Just think about your own well-being, not about upsetting a person who cares very little about how you feel. Out of sight, out of mind, is a true statement. You will be less tempted to send out that DM that he will leave on “seen.”

Don’t go where he will be….

You probably know his patterns, or where he will show up. It’s not a coincidence that you bumped into him. Resist starting drama by showing up there. If you get invited to a party or social gathering that he will be at, decline.

Don’t talk about him….

Your friends might be curious how you are and it does feel good to express how you feel and vent. After a certain point, you need to stop bringing him up. If friends ask about him, just say you want to move on and not talk about him anymore.

Don’t stalk his new girlfriend or talk shit about her….

Listen…he made his choice because he felt she was a better fit. She might be prettier, uglier, shorter, taller, than you…who cares? The flip side is not to be super-weird and try to befriend her and mean-girl her.

Don’t wallow too long….

Take a weekend off to do self-care. After you eat the pint of ice cream, accept dates again. However, keep the dates very toned-down with no agenda. Just meet new people and have light conversations.

Don’t go out all the time….

Now is not the time to fill the void with being overly social. Keep things low-key. You don’t want to be reckless and make poor decisions. Keep yourself busy with work or a passion project.

Don’t over-swipe….

As far as Tinder, stop swiping like a lunatic. Do the opposite and practice actually saying no to dates. It’s very empowering to decline a date that doesn’t suit you.

Don’t revenge date….

You aren’t going to show him how loved you are by how many dates you get. He doesn’t care. Never bring dates to a place where you know he will be. You will feel a wave of snubness, then a swift fade of regret when you see him literally not giving a rat’s ass.

Don’t waste your youth….

Listen… it sucks to be rejected. Maybe the saga of liking him lasted for months. He made his decision that you were not the right match. Life flies by fast. Do you want to spend it analyzing why a guy didn’t like you, or meet a better guy who cares about you?

Bottom Line…..

When you disappear you aren’t trying to get revenge, or trying to stick it to the person. Accept that he hurt you and now you need to put up walls to protect yourself. The quicker he is out of sight, the faster you can heal and move forward. Life moves on without you and that is actually a gift. What might seem unbearable at the moment will pass quicker than expected as long as you don’t allow it in your orbit.

Mixed Signals

Consistency is the biggest sign a guy likes you. Most signals get crossed when it’s an unbalanced dynamic. If it’s a situationship or very casual, you will probably be confused. Some casual relationships can feel like a real thing. You might meet friends or even family! If you hate analyzing text messages, then getting into anything murky might not be in your best interest. Mixed signals keep you on the hook and can drag you along in a relationship for way too long. What are some common mixed signals to look out for?…..

Are there really mixed signals or is it a long way to say no?…..

I don’t believe in mixed signals. To avoid a lot of drama and stress, just assume mixed signals mean he isn’t into you. Sure, there are gray areas like he is a commitaphobe. However, you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. If you are brave enough to send out that text or DM, so can he.

He texts you inconsistently….

Consistency is a huge sign he wants to be a part of your life. You should be hearing from him often and he should be planning the next date or figuring out when he can see you. If he texts randomly at 11pm, it’s a bad sign. If he isn’t worried that you could be snatched up by another guy, then he isn’t afraid to lose you.

He acts excited to see you through text…then you show up and he acts bored….

All of a sudden, he begs you to come over. You finally throw on some clothes and eyeliner and show up. Then he acts bored and distracted and pays little attention to you. In this case, he probably wanted a quick hook up and you overstayed your welcome or his original plans fell though so he reached out to you.

Were you the leader of the relationship….

If you are the one texting and keeping up communication, then you will be excited he is answering at all. You may notice that he does not text you and I would test this by pulling back. Men don’t always have the energy to chase women; when a free meal comes his way, he will take it. However, when pressed to commit he will eventually drop the ball.

Mixed signals are people only noticing the positive things and ignoring the glaring negative signs….

If you are super into a guy and the pursuer, then you will take any win. You will jump up and down when he returns a text after three days of ignoring you. You view things in black-and-white, “well…he didn’t block me or tell me to stop texting.” It’s much easier to just answer rather than putting up resistance and starting a fight.

Men can compartmentalize…

A man lives in a gray scale with women. One might be the cool chick he takes to concerts, another might be the fun party girl, and there is always the good-listener girl whom he can count on when he is bummed.

Is he fresh out of a break up, did he just get evicted, or anything dramatic?….

He can name any excuse and women’s heartstrings will be pulled. If he is in a rough patch, he can always use that as an excuse to pick and choose what he wants to do. If it gets to be too much, he has a built-in excuse that he is not ready. He is just wanting you on his timetable while he is still looking.

He asked you on a date, then he flaked….

Any sort of change of plans is a warning sign. Even if it’s delayed an hour. It shows he is regretful he set up the date, but doesn’t want to be the bad guy by calling off the date completely. Most recently I had a date “run out the clock.” He kept saying he was stuck in traffic, then he was hungry, and so on. I had to be the one to call it off after he stood me up.

Bottom Line….

Sit back and see how often he is trying to contact you. This is why it’s best to leave the date-planning up to him. He needs to making a clear effort. Inconsistency is usually a “no” in the long term. He might be going hot and cold with you because he can’t hang out with his original girl. See what time of day he wants to hang out and how many days he asks to plan a date. You have to look at his actions from a logical standpoint. He could do one nice thing and then the rest of the time he treats you like an after- thought. Look at the whole picture, not the rare positive gestures.

The Flirting Hour: Practicing Boundaries With Communication

There is a ton of misunderstanding about “playing hard to get.” Most people have the hardest time with this, saying it’s game playing. Honestly, you need to steer the ship because a guy will message you all day long if you let him, resulting in him getting bored and moving on. It’s crucial to control when to speak to men and to not let them monopolize your day…..

What is the flirting hour?…..

Pick a time when you are free and relaxed. It could be the afternoon, or in the evening while watching TV. Carve out that time and do not answer messages until then. It will make the conversation more lively and engaged instead of being distracted and with him constantly asking “WYD?”

Practice saying “TTYL”…..

It’s so hard to actually say this especially since we are surgically attached to our phones. However, it is important to actually say you are busy, even if it means you are taking a walk. It puts up boundaries that you aren’t available 24/7 to chat. Turn your phone on silent around bedtime. The witching hour will bring out guys sending “U up” texts.

Why is this important?….

The more you chat the less likely he will ask you out. He will be getting his emotional needs met and will feel no urgency to see you. This is when the pen pal situation happens.

You might lose interest….

A good match might be discarded because you talked him to death. There is such a thing as over-communicating in the early stages.

Turn off notifications in Tinder and Snapchat….

If you are constantly getting banner alerts on your phone, it’s impossible not to check. Turn off notifications and check at your convenience. Yes, you will get more messages at once, but that’s okay. You can tell your friends to text you instead of Snapchat. Men get pissed off if you open and ignore. Just wait until you are ready to have a conversation.

Some men are going to bail or get mad at you….

Having communication boundaries will make some men angry. The Snapchat boys will unfriend you or at worst huff and puff. I recently had a random guy quick add me on Snapchat from another country. I tried to keep up communication as politely as I could. Keep in mind he basically “cold called” me and expected me to swoon. His final message before unfriending me was saying I was selfish and he was not surprised I was alone….The needy casual guys are not willing to wait or chase you; they want it now or not at all.

Respond time when a crush texts you….

Ok…This is a controversial rule in the book, “The Rules.” The book says to wait a certain amount of time to respond to a first text, depending on your age. The oldest age range should wait four hours! I agree and disagree with this. I do think we give guys too much reassurance when we respond a minute later. Women think the longer you wait to respond the better. This is not true; responding days later kills the dating momentum and can backfire. If you wait an hour or so he might have an internal panic attack and that’s what you want. Guys have done this to me and I have gone though the five stages of grief until he responded an hour later. It’s a tactic that does work. So, try to wait until your TV show episode is over, or you finished eating dinner.

Get in the zone….

This is why you need to pick a time where you are relaxed. Sending messages throughout the workday will result in you complaining and telling him about office gossip he does not care about. Peel back the layer and get into a flirting energy. Your conversations will click better and result in more dates.

Bottom Line…..

Technology is great for connecting, yet we don’t realize how much of our free time we are giving up. It’s important to have time for yourself that does not involve entertaining other people. Even with friends and bosses it’s a good idea to put up boundaries or they will feel entitled to chat morning, noon, and night. Actually saying “TTYL” is a good start to let a person know you have boundaries. It does not mean you are finding a cure for cancer–you just feel like unplugging. Turn off notifications on Tinder and Snapchat and don’t open messages until you are ready. If you carve out a “flirting hour,” then you will be in a good zone to flirt which will result in more dates.