Don’t Bring Sand To The Beach: Why You Need To Be Single For Freshmen Year

“Bringing sand to the beach” is a saying I go to for this scenario. There were two camps of people I met freshmen year of college: The ones who recently became single and the, “hold on… going to step out for a call” people. In my experience, the orientation is crucial in making your friends for the rest of the year. Nothing can replace that tight bond you form the first week. Why is it a good idea to end things with your high school boyfriend before you start your next chapter?…

The first semester freshmen year will set the tone….

Unless you are going to college in your hometown, it’s very overwhelming to get adjusted. First night there you will realize that you don’t have to text your mom and can stay out until 4am. Your newfound freedom will be dampened by your high school boyfriend sending “concerned” and passive-aggressive text messages telling you to “stay safe.”

“So, I should transfer to his college, right?”….

Please don’t. Not only will he grow tired of you always being in his dorm, it will hold you back from your education. Your education is not only your classes, it’s learning to deal with your bitchy roommate who leaves her shoes by the door for you to trip on, or that finicky coffee maker you bought second hand. With a safely-net boyfriend you fail to learn fundamental “adult” skills.

Friends will stop including you if you flake all the time….

Don’t be the “you guys go ahead, I’m going to hang back” girl. You only get these wild experiences for one time period in your life. They call college “glory days” for a reason. You can’t exactly steal a traffic sign and nail it to your wall in your 30s. Nor can you sleep on a rock hard futon with a full face of makeup as an adult without needing a chiropractor.

Everyone is newly single….

Eventually, the high school sweethearts will break up. This will open up the campus to “single and ready to mingle” wide-eyed people. Not saying you should be the dorm whore, but opportunities will be open to meet your future college sweetheart.

If your high school boyfriend wants it to work he will try….

You being practical and saying you should end things might light a fire under his ass. There is no losing when you end things with him. Either it will save you from heartbreak where you see him in a Snapchat story with another girl or that awkward moment when you meet his new friends on his campus and try to figure out what girl he made out with the first night. It’s a big headache that isn’t worth dealing with. Fate will work things out if you and your high school boyfriends are meant to marry.

Never make long-term decisions based on a man….

This lesson carries for the rest of your life. No, you shouldn’t move for your weird situationship when he decides to try van life in Denver. Never move for a man unless there is a wedding date and you can’t get a deposit back on a venue. A man would never zig and zag for you if his education or job was at stake. He will probably say point blank: “don’t move for me.” Make decisions for you and you only!

Bottom Line…..

Seizing opportunities means you need to be a free agent. The worry and drama of what your high school boyfriend is up to will drive you crazy. You need to open yourself up to meet new amazing people. These new people will become your college besties who may join you in adulthood. Don’t waste the bonding time by looking backwards. Never make long-term decisions based on a man’s life. Make a man inconvenienced to show he isn’t dating out of convenience. Most importantly, choose your education and future before anyone else.

Less Money, More Problems: How Does Money Affect Relationships?

In an ideal world, money and relationships would not matter. There are always issues of power if the woman makes more money, or if both partners have no money. Personally, I have always struggled with money. I have worked in restaurants and have lived that bohemian life. Mainly, I have gotten into relationships with men who are restaurant workers while playing in a band. This has been restrictive to what sort of dates we could go on. It’s not practical to take a weekend off and fly to Hawaii or go to a fancy restaurant.

Being poor does not mean he is lazy…..

He might be trying to get a PhD or has a ton of student loan debt. It’s pretty common for young people to not be doing as well as their parents. He might have to live with roommates in a high rent situation. Nowadays, living in a city costs way more and is at the point of being not affordable.

What can you do if money is holding you back?….

It’s frustrating that you cannot go on nice dates. So getting to know a new guy results in maybe a cheap lunch and hanging at his apartment. This doesn’t really last long and it ends up resulting in a friends-with-benefits or casual relationship.
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To avoid this, here are a few ideas of what you can do that are free or very cheap….

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Go to the beach or lake- If you are lucky enough to live near a body of water, take advantage. It’s fun to spend the day enjoying the sun and relaxing.

Go on a hike- This isn’t for everyone, but it’s always nice to get fresh air.

Get a slice of pizza- Usually the slices are massive and you can get cheap beer with it.

Go to day festivals or a local fair- There will music, people watching, and a fun atmosphere.

Play hide and seek in a mall- It feels silly and brings out childlike energy and competition.

Play patio games- Some restaurants have corn hole or ring toss games.

See free or cheap entertainment- Some local theaters shows are around $10. Open mics can be free or a small fee.

Take advantage of happy hour or food specials- Going out on a Saturday will be crowded and you will be paying more. Restaurants and bars give out deals during the week.

Go to the dollar theater- Not every city has this, but you could go to a matinee and sneak in snacks.

Play a drinking game- Most drinking games are “getting to know you” games. For non-drinkers you can just play the games without drinking

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Can you get serious with a guy with no money?….

There are types of people who can be very wealthy… yet cheap. He might be a penny-pincher and see no need to spend his paycheck on you. Not saying he has to buy you a diamond necklace or be your sugar daddy. For example, does he buy you cough medicine and soup when you are sick? He needs to show you he is a provider no matter what his budget is.

Don’t let him guilt you into treating him on the date….

Sure…there might be situations where you split something. However, he should never pressure you into paying for both of you on a date. It just shows he is taking advantage and isn’t trying to impress you. All dates should be within his budget instead of picking a fancy place where you are forced to go dutch. (Keep in mind this is date night! You could just stay home when money is tight). Another reason to never pay for both of you is that you will expect him to grovel at your feet. When he gives you a mild “thanks” you will resent it.

Keep living arrangements separate…..

Especially when there is a gap in your finances. There will always be a fight about who pays for what. The problem lies when men are making less. He will usually not be inclined to pitch in with keeping up with cleaning or grocery runs. Resentment will be at an all time high and you will slip into parenting mode, rather than partners.

If a man strikes it rich, he might feel the need to upgrade…..

This can happen with men who reach a level of fame or prestige. You have to keep in mind that you might be with him while he is poor, then suddenly he makes it big and leaves you. This isn’t always the case, but it can certainly happen. So, don’t think that you found a wounded bird to bring back to life. He will more than likely leave you behind, and you will feel dumb about trying to help him with his finances. Be with him in the present, not his potential.

Bottom Line…..

Money always causes the most fights in a relationship. The important thing is seeing if he is wanting to be a provider, regardless of his paycheck. You can’t expect a guy on a limited budget to take you on a week-long vacation in Cancun. Sometimes, if there is too much of a gap in money, it does not work long term since one person is used to a certain lifestyle. In modern society, a woman still wants to feel taken care of even if she makes more money than him. Remember that liking a man for his potential is a bad idea. Sure, he might get that raise or win the lottery, you just can’t count on it. Plus he might want to upgrade and leave his past life behind, which includes you.

How Can An Average Joe Be “Camp Hot”?

I frequently chat with my guy friends about dating. All have sighed and said they get zero matches on the apps and are getting discouraged. First, I try to fix up the profile, switch out the photos, then see if there is any traction. However, the apps are not set up to favor the men. Women get constantly swiped on and only really have to get their photos out there. If a guy thinks she is his physical type — swipe right. With women… it’s a little more complex: personality, humor, and occupation go a long way. A simple 2D profile cannot capture the essence of a human. This brings me to “camp hot” and how an average Joe can capitalize on the concept….

What is “camp hot”?…..

It is a biological concept where if men are scarce, then women will find the men more enticing. It goes back to a “stranded on a desert island” or in a potato famine situation. Women, to be able to breed, had to perceive the dwindling men as attractive. It is the opposite of the “cheerleader effect,“ coined by Barney Stinson in the show “How I Met Your Mother.” The effect is where women in groups will all look the same. When one woman is gorgeous, the men will perceive all the females in the group to be hot.

What should a guy not do?….

Key mistakes are to go against the theory. Any place where he blends in or where there are too many options, he should steer away from. Dating apps are the worst idea. Even decently attractive men will be swiped aside to favor the most attractive out there. Yes, women might take a beat and read a profile more. However, a few prompts, even if interesting, can’t trump model looks.

Be a leader….

Women need a story about a guy. She is more likely to be asked what a guy does versus what he looks like. When he is in charge of hosting an event, the lead singer of a band, or runs an indie film fest, she can share that with her friend. It creates an identity with that guy as well.

Pick a class or club that caters to women….

There are certain classes that are geared more to women. A pottery class or a “wine and sip” club, for example, are great ones. Just like in the classroom days, the girls will scope out the room for the cute guys. The fewer single guys, the more leverage.

Go out with your “wing men” sparingly….

Hanging with the bros seems like a natural way to go to bars. However, when it’s a big group of men, the women zero in on who’s the most charismatic and talks the most. An average guy is usually introverted and isn’t good at hitting on women. When going out, pick a mixed group of females and males. With a mixture of mostly women, but a handful of men, it helps you stand out since there are fewer choices to go through. When there isn’t a group to go with, be okay with a solo happy hour. Suit up, show up, and try to strike up conversations. Going earlier is a better strategy than last call.

Bottom Line….

With modern dating, the attractive Alpha males know how to be in the spotlight. They have no issue with the apps and thrive while going out with the boys at the bars. The sensitive, average, or introverted men get swiped aside. It is a shame since most of the nice guys make wonderful boyfriends. An average guy can stand out and shine when there are fewer shiny objects eclipsing him. I have fallen for many guys who are in charge of something. Many times to girlfriends, I would exclaim I am seeing “Brad the DJ” or “Peter the guy who runs the bad movie night on Thursdays.” Let’s face it, the apps are starting to be on the decline. Everything old is new again, with dating mixers and friends more willing to do a set up. Soon, the average guy will become the exceptional guy once meeting in person becomes the norm again.

Questions To Dodge On A First Date

A first date is a time to get to know a person. Some men take it a step further and treat it like an interrogation. What needs to be happening on a first date ( or in the early chatting period) is talking about surface-level topics ( movies, music, funny stories) and feeling out the vibe. Sometimes, a question is asked that completely derails the rest of the date. Keep in mind you do not have to answer a question just because he asked. Worse case is it opens you up to blab and complain the whole time….

“How many guys have you slept with?”…..

Whew! What a question. You never look good even if the number is pretty low. He is probably asking to see if you are easy and how hard he has to work. Never give out an actual number. You can just say: “When I am committed, then I will sleep with someone.” This tells him you aren’t interested in being a hook-up.

“Why did you and your ex break up?”…..

You might go on and on and start venting about how terrible he was. Or the opposite, where you miss him so much and was devastated when he dumped you. Be vague and answer: “We just weren’t the right fit.”

“How long have you been single?”…..

If it’s too short, it’s bad; if it’s too long, it’s bad. Saying a year makes you sound like you are over the last relationship and ready to date again. That’s really all he is asking anyway. You can fib a little and take control of your own narrative.

“How’s the apps?”…..

Red flag! Some men are clueless and just bring it up for no reason. Others bring it up because he sees you as another swipe. Downplay how much you use it: “Oh, my friend set it up for me a month ago. I am just seeing what all the hype is about.” He will be relieved he isn’t competing with other guys (even though he is). Again… he is sniffing out the competition and how hard he has to work.

“What are you looking for?”….

He is looking for a casual hook-up. He wants you to say casual so you verbally agree this date will be meaningless. Play naive and say: “I am really new to this; I just want to meet new people and see where it goes.” See his reaction or what he says after. He saying he wants casual means he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.

Bottom Line…..

Most questions are mining you for information and reading between the lines. There is a reason he is asking these particular questions. He wants to know: ( How much competition there is; is there an ex lingering around; do you want casual or a relationship). You might feel he is asking you to really open up. He isn’t. You can give a straight forward quick answer as long as your tone is pleasant. Move on from these questions as soon as possible. Get back on track to talking about surface-level topics. If he wants more information, then he can ask you out on other dates.

The Dangerous Exception: The Rules Do Apply

Dating rules – such as letting him court you, not hooking up on the first date, and not being too available are to keep you safe and still keep your dignity if things go south. However….Don’t we all wish we were the exception? To be the girl who messes up, is too clingy, makes a terrible impression, and is still seen as endearing? In the movies, the exception is complicated and complex and the male protagonist eats out of her hand. Even in the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” the lesson that you shouldn’t be the exception was flipped and the whole lesson was crumbled in the garbage…. because we want to be the exception… we crave it.…

Are you thinking movies are real?…..

The manic pixie girl breaks the rules. She will sleep with a guy, tell him about how her mom committed suicide, and the male protagonist is blown away. The reality is that not many people love drama. Hints of instability will make him run. Normal dates, compared to a Hollywood blockbuster, will seem boring. You don’t have to prove you are a “free spirit” and “not like other girls.”

“I can be a rule breaker”….

Rules are meant to protect you and not waste your time; they aren’t meant to suppress you. No one wants to be told to hold back and sit on their hands. Everyone wants a shoot-your-shot mindset because it does feel like freedom. The problem is the results and outcome usually end up being disappointing. However, yes, if you are seeking only hookups go for it. Be bold, be sultry. Getting into a committed relationship isn’t that straightforward.

We all want to feel special….

There is a sense of pride when a girl gets a guy in her own way. Behind the scenes we don’t really know what she had to go through. On top of that, the most likely thing is that he was ready to settle down regardless, or worse, she used heavy threats and ultimatums. But people love saying they broke the rules and it resulted in what they wanted. You feel like you are giving the middle finger to everyone. Being the chaser can get addictive. It ends up not being about liking the guy, but more about winning.

“Rules don’t apply to me because I am hot”…..

This is true at least at first. To be blunt, if you are attractive, things will be easier. At least in the first impression. You will be approached more, get away with an outburst here and there. But…. there will eventually be a drop-off point. Even supermodels get dumped here and there.

Giving everything up front is not fun for either parties…..

It’s not fun for you or him. Courtship and the “will-they-won’t-they” builds attraction. Anyone can hook up, and sadly – most men don’t really care with whom. The best part of a relationship is the build up and seeing if he actually cares. You find out very quickly who has your best interests. Yet, when you hook up after knowing a guy for two hours you don’t really know his motives anymore. He might claim all day he likes you, but only if sex is involved.

If everyone thinks they are the exception – then there is no exception….

This is how hook-up culture happened. It was people who wanted to break the rules and stick it to the system. Again….if the motive is to hook up, then do that. Anyone who has had a ho phase will tell you that it gets old. Women crave romance, a story to tell people, and effort.

Bottom Line…..

Keeping to a guideline can help you and preserve your dignity. Dating is unpredictable ; why are you trying to make it more complicated? There will be phases where you just want to break all the rules. If you just need to rebel for yourself, then do it. It should not be about proving to everyone that you are special and rules don’t apply to you. This is also where women get in competition with other women. It can result in just a competition against yourself to prove a point, not about finding a connection or getting to know a guy. It’s fine to play it safe and take calculated risks. Short-term gravitation usually results in spending hours analyzing a text message with the group chat. If you had just waited it out, it might have led to something, or you would have found out sooner that he wasn’t interested.

The Long Game Part 2

I have spoken briefly about the “long game.” This is how traditional pre-app dating was. You would go to a social event, see each other from across a crowded dance floor, then boom, you eventually started dating. Most importantly, there was a “courtship” phase. Most of us are used to swiping, meeting, maybe hooking up, and there might be a date here and there. There are key differences in the app- versus real-life style and it requires more strategy…..

You have seen him multiple times and he finally talked to you…..

This is step one. If he has not spoken to you and approached you, then either keep waiting for a bit, or throw in the towel. When a guy is interested and available, he will say hello in a bar, party, or cafe setting. You will not need to say hello and start a conversation to “help him out.” So, yes…. he finally talked to you. You should keep it light and don’t make assumptions. Act like you are on a first date. Stick to surface-level topics, be friendly, and get a overall vibe from him.

He has talked to you at least three separate times and includes you…..

Three times a charm. This is noteworthy because: once, could be him being bored and wanting to talk; two times, he recognized you; yet three…now you have something. Still keep things very light and open your ears and listen to what he is telling you. He might be talking about an ex, or that he is having a rough patch. He is interested, but probably needs a rebound or his ego stroked. Do not ignore this, and don’t think he will change his mind after he gets to know you.

Go dark for four days to one week…..

This is a crucial step. Pull back when there isn’t forward motion yet. Just don’t be gone for too long because that can backfire. Go on a date or two with other guys, but take your dates far away. After the week is up, return like nothing happened. Again too long = forgotten, the right amount = anticipation. This is the hardest step because you fear he will just forget you and move on. Is he excited once you come back around? Did he ask for your number or ask you on a date?

Be careful about Instagram…..

It’s tempting to just send that follow request on Instagram. You can keep up with him, watch his stories, and like his posts. You will send a message out of desperation once he isn’t giving you what you want. He will answer you and things might seem like they are going somewhere. There might be a night where you send a message and he leaves you on read. Don’t go down that road. Wait for him to ask for your number.

Does he bring you around his friend group?…..

Dating in the wild, you will meet friends sooner than online dating. With app dating you can hide your friends from your dates. In person, his friends are already there. How do his friends treat you? Are they excited to see you again and include you? Or do they ignore you? Sneaking off to a dark corner to avoid his friends glaring eyes is not a good sign.

If there has been no forward motion, let it go…..

This is not your invitation to low-key stalk him. He isn’t going to change his mind by you always being around. You might have to give up a fun regular hangout spot. Your night could be ruined by him giving you the cold shoulder, or worse, seeing him on another date.

Bottom Line…..

Listen, getting the stars to align at the right moment can take a long time. However, meeting in person will always be more memorable than swiping on an app. All my special relationships have not involved an app. There is something magical about two people having chemistry and doing the delicate courting dance. Yet… you shouldn’t be waiting literally forever. Once you reach the “going-dark stage” and then returning ,he needs to pull the trigger. If he doesn’t, he either found someone else, or wasn’t that interested in the first place. Also, I have said before that just because it’s a “meet-cute” situation doesn’t mean it’s fate and the universe owes you. He still needs to take forward actions to move things along: Asking for your number, asking for a date, texting etc. Do not linger around hoping he will talk to you. Yes, it sucks to give up that cool hang-out spot for a while, and I know you want to go there out of spite. Trust me, there are other bars, coffee shops, venues.

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind: How To Stay Relevant as a Casual Guy

Men getting into casual, or the beginning of the courting phase, need to know the importance of being top-of-mind. It sounds super obvious to most, but men who grab your number and then text you a month later will be forgotten. This can happen with a friends-with-benefits situation when there is a huge gap in seeing each other. The absence can backfire and feelings can get hurt along the way. What can men do to remain relevant in a woman’s mind?…..

How often is too often?…..

We get it’s casual. However, dating is at warp speed and everyone gets distracted by the shinier and newer object. A man wanting a casual relationship can easily be replaced by someone else. It is important to keep up with your casual thing and see each other every other week or at minimum once a month. (Although that is pushing it). In a courting phase, you need to step it up more and spend more time and pursue.

Keep texting in between dates…..

It doesn’t have to be a daily thing, but a few texts here and there can keep the dynamic going. When you only text for her to come over, you are creating too much of a disconnect. You don’t need to talk about deep meaningful things. Keep things light, fun, and plan to hang out.

Create an illusion……

The greatest lovers make the person they are with at the time feel like they are the only one. Most women will dismiss you and not see a point in spending time when outside dates are brought up. Still be sexually safe, but oversharing can ruin the mood.

Make sure your place is presentable….

Women are picky about where they spend their time. 90-percent of women will only care about atmosphere when going to a bar or restaurant. They want to feel like a guest and be able to relax. Her not wanting to spend the night, or fleeing after two hours says a lot. Men usually get a pass on the state of their apartment (boys will be messy). It should not be the norm.

Unmatch her on the apps…..

Once you unmatch, you are a fish let out in the great pond again. She will come across your profile and the changes that you have made. This can be in your favor and spark jealously in her. Your face will be top of mind at that moment and it will stick around for a day or two. When you come across her, then text her. The algorithm probably showed both of you at the same time.

Keep posting on Instagram….

(You might be on mute, so she avoids this). Her curiously will peak when she sees you enjoying yourself without her. This works on everyone! You don’t have to do thirst traps, or show off dates ( that will backfire), but subtle pics of you out: a full glass of whiskey on the rocks at an unknown location, an appetizer with more than one plate. Or a photo of you with a wristband or a stamp from a bar.

Bottom Line…..

You are probably saying, “who cares, it’s casual! I should be more aloof!” I understand the mindset, but women have options and will forget about you. She might have really been into you, but got too much of a whiff of instability and looked elsewhere for it. No one wants to look like they care more in casual and in the early courting process. However, being strategic about being relevant in a woman’s life can extend the length of the relationship. The saying is true: out of sight, out of mind.

Location, Location, Location: Proximity In Casual Dating

Sure, you can have as many public dates as you choose. Eventually, you will want to spend the night together or at least watch a TV series. Living situation is the driving force that forms any relationship, no matter how casual. One of the big rules to keeping it casual is: How convenient is it? When I am on a hot streak with dating, the first thing I put into consideration is…. where does he live? I do mean where does HE live. It’s important to be spending time at his place. Let him worry about cleaning up the mess and changing the sheets. On top of that it is a safety concern. You don’t want to let every casual guy know where he can find you if things go sour. However, most relationships without a convenient living situation and location cannot materialize.

Is it really casual if you are long distance?…..

Long distance = not easy for any type of relationship. For a casual thing, why are you bothering? Long distance is an hour away or more. I mean if this is a guy you see once a month when he is in town, then that’s totally fine. Think about how much you are investing just for something that won’t go anywhere.

Men need to consider location when they pick an apartment…..

Decisions at the 11th hour are made in haste. Thinking too hard about it will lead to just going home. An apartment that is walking distance from a bar is a smooth transition. The secret to having any company coming to your place is be in the right area. I remember living a little further from the downtown area and not having one friend who wanted to make the trek. Unless your goal is total solitude, consider living where there are bars, restaurants, and coffee shops within walking distance.

Don’t date Oscar The Grouch…..

Sure, not everyone can live in a Beverly Hills mansion. When safely is in question or you think you will catch a disease from using his toilet, do not return! Or better yet, leave without hooking up. Another no-no is him living in a cabin in a desolate remote area. Be safe and even share your location with a friend.

What are the perks of his place?…..

Maybe he has an apartment pool, a really nice espresso machine, or a stocked home bar. I am embarrassed to say that I have slept on many air mattresses. Don’t do this to yourself! More women need to put their foot down and not just go with whatever living situation is there. A bed frame and a clean apartment should be the bare minimum.

Roommates are a no-go…..

As you get older, discretion and privacy are the most important. Having all eyes and ears on you is humiliating and ruins the experience. You might not get to see him as often since he is catering to his roommates’ schedules. The only exception is having a large floor plan where bedrooms are further apart and he might even have a separate entrance and private bathroom.

Bottom Line…..

Location, Location, Location! Do you like going there and occasionally spending the night? Does he live in a good convenient area of town? If you are the one with the fabulous apartment, I would keep it under wraps. It can attract poor men who are looking for a living upgrade ( or worse case a new stalker). You also will fall into a pattern where you are going through the trouble of cleaning your apartment and kicking him out in the morning. It’s best to just come and go as you please and not have to worry. Travel time can add up to time you could have spent on another date. Before you get too involved, figure out his living situation; it will save you a lot of extra trouble.

The Jam Experiment

“The Jam Experiment” is about the paradox of choice. It was an analogy of consumers having too many choices, therefore not making ANY choices. Picture a whole floor-to-ceiling shelf of jam. You would be so overwhelmed by the number of choices that you would be unable to pick one. Having only three or four variety of jams, you would be able to purchase one; the same works for dating. In the app-culture we live in now it’s overwhelming to pick one person to date, making us unable to commit. This is a case where you are ready to settle on one guy. If you want abundance, then the app-world will certainly give it to you. In the pursuit of wanting commitment there can be a lot of extra visual and mental clutter that needs a good spring cleaning….

Are the apps helpful or hurtful?…..

It is nice to cast a wider net and meet men you would normally never meet. Plus, it’s easier to date men from other religious and cultural and financial backgrounds. You no longer are stuck in your own social circle. However, it creates the illusion of endless choice and options. For the casual dater that is an advantage. It’s good to have the attitude of “onto the next.” If you are wanting something more serious, then obviously having too many options is a problem. It’s best to use apps less and go through friends or meeting men in person at events, etc.

How many apps are too many?…..

Having too many dating apps on your phone can get complicated. Try out the ones that you find the most helpful and that give you the most forward motion. It really depends on the area you live in. One app may have more options than others. It’s too hard to keep conversations going with six different apps.

Should you edit your matches?…..

Keeping matches organized can be a good idea, but not necessary. It might be a good idea to cut the fat, so to speak, and only keep around the matches that want to meet up. Eliminating visual clutter can make the apps less overwhelming and prevent dating burnout.

How many dates should you go on?……

Once a week should be your max. This way you still have time to focus on your friends and work. Dating is a numbers game to a certain extent, but that doesn’t have to mean going out with a new guy every night.

Should you vet the guy more before meeting in person?…..

Yes. It’s not worth agreeing to go out with a guy that you know won’t work out. You need to keep some deal breakers in mind ( he just got out of a breakup, lives far away, is only looking for casual when you want something serious, etc). This will prevent you from having a pointless date.

Quality over quantity……

Make an effort to meet men off the apps. The best is through friends or extracurricular activities. Join an improv group or a soccer league. You might be surprised who you connect with. It will be a slower process, but it’s worth it to meet better men. Write down a list of green flags you are looking for. Challenge yourself to think in terms of his morals and lifestyle, not just physical appearance.

Bottom Line……

Too many choices result in zero choices. We are all susceptible to analysis paralysis. Going on endless dates can cause dating burnout where you are just in an endless first-date loop. For “law of attraction” purposes it might be a good idea to write down the qualities you want out of a guy. This way it’s in your brain and you will be able to recognize it when it’s in front of you. Keep only one to two apps on your phone. This cuts down the clutter and flurry of pointless messages. Only continue to talk to men who want to meet you. Make a point to network with more people in public. We live in a time where face-to-face communication is discouraged. Learn how to be social again and stop staring at your phone the whole time you are out.

Negging and Sarcasm

“I was just joking”…. How many times have you heard that? It comes up a lot in a dating situation that is unbalanced. Many women accept the ball-busting because they want to seem like “one of the guys.” Yet, it communicates to him that you have zero boundaries and more than likely you are in a weird, casual, confusing “situationship.” He would NEVER be disrespectful to a woman he is actually into.

What exactly is “negging”…..

There was a show in the early 2000s called, “The Pickup Artist.” It taught beta males how to pick up women. What came out of it, unfortunately, is a term called, “negging.” This is when a man tears you down, then builds you back up. They will make you insecure and then throw in a compliment. Some men fail to do the build-you-up aspect of the tactic. Basically, there are a lot of guys just straight up insulting women. For example, they might say, “I didn’t realize that your shirt was still in style.” It’s a slick put down that makes you feel insecure.

What are some examples of “jokes”…..

Every comedian knows that jokes are truths and then lies. The main thing to focus on is the truth to his “joke.” It is the safest way to bring up a topic because he can immediately say, “No, no, I was kidding, chill out,” and then turn it on you that you don’t have a sense of humor. Some common examples are about your weight, your general appearance, or maybe even your intelligence. He might bring out the dumb-blond jokes when you are in fact brunette.

Would he really do it to his dream girl?….

Picture this…. Romeo sees Juliet across the room…. Do you really think he would take that opportunity to say she looks fat in her gown? Yea, didn’t think so. You have to think in the mindset of “would he treat his dream girl this way”?

“But he is just a sarcastic guy”…..

Yea…. he still shouldn’t be doing it to you. Sure, he might test out his tight five-minute comedy routine on you, but if you have expressed that it bugs you, he should never do it again. Another example is being performative around his buddies and make you the butt of the joke. It could stem from him being uncomfortable and wanting a way to downplay his relationship status.

How does he speak about you when you aren’t around?…..

I have noticed in interviews with celebrities and well-known comedians of how much they are into their partner. I understand that men cringe at the thought of being mushy. However, it is a red flag to hear a man speaking of his wife saying, “the old bag, my ball and chain, the boss.” Too many unflattering adjectives wrapped in a funny bow make you question how he really feels.

“I roast the ones I love”…..

Joking and ball-busting is usually reserved for friends. Making fun of you translates to him seeing you as more of a buddy than lover. Same thing with calling you masculine names such as “bro, dude, man.” He is stripping away your feminine qualities and throwing you in a friend bucket. Not to say he wouldn’t turn down hooking up. When it comes to presenting you as a couple in public he will dance around the title leaving you confused.

Bottom Line…..

Again, picture all the romantic movies and literature. Rarely does the protagonist make fun of his perfect woman. A man will not risk offending a girl he really is into. Pay close attention to his “jokes.” It could be a sign that he isn’t all in with the relationship. Usually, it is dipping his toe in and saying what he isn’t pleased with. There is so much truth in what he is essentially criticizing. It’s easy to backpedal and say it was all a joke. It could also be a tactic to keep you small and on your toes. This comes from a man who is highly insecure and needs the power balance to always be in his favor. Be wary of a guy who does it from the start.