Should You Try Sober Dating?

Bad dating habits are sparked by one too many shots at the bar. One minute you are calm and collected then at the end of the night you are holding onto your heels and calling an Uber. Your dates might feel like a broken record of men shoving you into a casual dating box. If this is happening, it might be a good time to try sober dating. Unfortunately, there are some cons to doing so and some sacrifices. I had a sober period for a seven-year stretch or so and had many first dates in brightly lit coffee shops. (A huge con of sober dating is the atmosphere, usually is not romantic enough to set the mood and tone. I would encourage you to at least meet in the evening to create a better atmosphere). But regardless of all that, here are some signs you should give yourself a sober dating challenge….

All your first dates end in a hook up….

Liquid courage can take it a little too far and dissolve your boundaries. You are not giving yourself a chance to let him get to know you.

Men only view you as the “fun girl”…..

“The fun girl” is not exactly a compliment coming from men. It is hurtful since you probably have an education you worked hard at and managed to make a decent life for yourself. Yet all he sees is how many shots you can take.

You launch into therapy mode….

Trauma-dumping and spilling the beans is your go-to. It’s hard to recover from what has been said and you can’t unsay it. It’s tempting to go into intense sharing mode and it ruins your greatest power in early dating which is intrigue and mystery.

Your memory is not at its best….

If you happen to get a second date, you probably don’t remember the initial “getting to know you” conversation. He might accuse you of not listening to him and therefore not caring. 

The good vibes shift into bad….

There are different types of drunks. The worst kind will completely shift the vibe and get angry or defensive. You could start fights or get confrontational out of nowhere.

Safety is not your #1 concern….

Staying safe in any regard needs to be a priority on a first date. You don’t know this guy and also you need to consider a safe way to get yourself home. He might take advantage of your helplessness in a dramatic way or mild way, or you put yourself and others in danger by being careless.

Bottom Line…..

At worst, you are becoming reckless with drinking, but even just giving off the wrong impression can be bad. Listen….. not saying you should never have a classy wine date, etc. My point is if you are relating to any of the signs, then it might be a great opportunity to rein it in a little. We all have different stages of casual dating whether we want total abundance or want to be intentional. Personally, for me, the pendulum has swung to taking a hiatus and regrouping after a year of saying yes to anything. January is the perfect time to reflect and decide what is working and what isn’t. I use the whole month to get focused on goals and to set the tone for the rest of the year. Understand what you are dating for. What are your dating goals? Don’t go by society standards and really figure out what type of dating will work best for you. Or maybe it’s a great time to be truly single and not have all the noise of dating to distract you.

How Can A Guy Successfully Approach A Woman In Public

For a man it’s a tightwire act to approach a woman in public these days. The advice is to just “be a man” and “shoot your shot” while juggling not coming across as creepy. It’s understandable that most men have opted out of any in public interaction and rely solely on the apps. There is however, a wrong way and right way to get a woman’s attention. What are some dos and don’ts to keep in mind the next time you are at a bar and feeling brave?….

Don’t neg….

Listen…. Will it work on insecure women?… Maybe it did a decade ago. It’s so obvious you are doing a move, or you are just not a pleasant person to be around. Look, leading with negativity off the bat is just bad. I get that you don’t want to be the “nice guy,” but negging has a tipping point and will leave the receiver feeling yucky. She will associate that feeling whenever she sees you. Make people feel good in your presence. 

Do make a shared observation….

Great tip is to bond over something. Maybe something funny happened in the bar, or “Cotton-Eye Joe” started playing on the sound system. A knowing smile and laugh shared together is the perfect opening to strike up a conversation. This can only work when you are next to a girl at a bar or waiting in line for the bathroom. It’s not an across-the-room kind of thing. 

Don’t use a pickup line….

Even with self-awareness, it feels cringe. We have heard them all before since middle school. It’s not a hot take to use a “is that a mirror in your pocket…” shtick. It’s not funny enough to be taken seriously and shows you are maybe out of touch or inexperienced. 

Do ask a question….

Steer away from “what time is it”? That can come across as non-specific and not reading as flirting. A good one is asking about what drink she just ordered. Resist talking about appearance because it can come across as an insult. Even a seemingly harmless, “where did you get those shoes?” Could be interpreted as a question of taste not a compliment. 

Don’t approach if she is with friends….

If she is with a gal pal, then the friend will feel a little awkward and the “ugly friend.” It is a little rude to flirt with only one girl in the group. (Not saying you should flirt with all of them). It’s best to approach when she is separated from the group temporarily. 

Do offer to buy her a drink….

I will always accept a free drink, however I know it is buying my time. It is rude to take a free drink and walk away. If she rejects the drink, then this is the reason. The rookie move is opening with the drink offer. You have to feel out the vibe and chat for five to ten minutes. See if she is low on her drink or says she wants to get another. This is your cue to say, “oh, can I buy you a drink?” 

Don’t word vomit….

It’s a balance of flirting without taking it to a vulgar place. It’s best to stay in the polite lane, rather than being overly complimentary (Especially about appearance). This way, she will wonder where you stand about her. She might think it’s just a friendly interaction. The best strategy is to not show your cards. Having her wonder can work in your favor long term if she is interested. 

Do know when to abort the mission….

You have to be self-aware. Nothing worse than not picking up what people are putting down. Facial cues and body language speak volumes. It’s safer to assume she is not interested versus being overly cocky. Be prepared to walk away or not attempt at all based on her vibe or if she is in a large group. The only exception to be a little more forward would be if you are on vacation and have a time limit. 

Bottom Line….

When you land a successful “meet cute,” it will cause a ripple effect of confidence. Most men are traumatized by rejections that happened at the cafeteria in middle school. There is no harm to test the waters and strike up a conversation. A negative reaction could be because she is married or offended by your behavior. Honestly, in certain cases the more a person does not like you, the more polite they become. I end up going into costumer-service mode around people I do not like. Take baby steps instead of aggressively hitting on her. You sort of have to have a “hat in hand” attitude about starting an interaction. It does take practice which can honestly start with chatting more with a bartender or cashier. You need to get used to breaking the ice with strangers without crossing a line. The magic moment is the shared experience interaction which can segue perfectly into a nice introduction. 

Is “Hood Fishing” Ethical?

“Branding” yourself on the apps and in person is a tactic that should be used in dating. You want to highlight your strengths and understate your flaws. It’s tricky to toe the line of being 100-percent honest versus putting your best foot forward. For anyone who doesn’t know, a “catfish” is someone who is faking an identity and tricking someone to believe they are a completely different person. So what is “hood fishing”?… It translates to lying about your neighbor hood (where you live) to come off as more desirable, or see people in a higher population area. Is this ethical to your dates? Or a slight stretch that won’t matter long-term?…..

The reason to lie….

Anyone who doesn’t quite live in the heart of the city will fudge a bit just to date people in a larger area. They are more than willing to travel the extra distance. It is cooler to say you live in a city proper versus the outskirts.

 They could work in the city….

He or she may actually spend their entire week in the actual city. It might be practical to meet up for happy hour downtown after work. They might decide to move to the actual city eventually, it’s just a matter of finances at this point. 

The hosting person should try not to “hood fish”….

Some people are perfectly happy to host eventually. Usually, this is a person who lives in a better area anyway and has no roommates. It is more fun to stay at a person’s place who is walking distance to bars and restaurants. I still feel personally this should be the guy. Only because I have found that it’s more of a risk for a woman to disclose her location to strangers.

Long distance is always a challenge…..

The semi – long distance is way worse than across the country long distance. Living an hour plus away from each other does not seem like a deal breaker. However, with traffic your time is sucked away and you have to leave early to head back home, or you force closeness and spend the night too soon. It either rushes the dynamic or halts it from ever forming.

“Hood Fishing” for safety….

On the apps you can show your exact location. For a woman, or anyone concerned for safety, it’s best to not have an exact location. Go into your app setting and make sure the “precise location” button is off. It usually will throw you in the larger city bracket if you are close enough.

Don’t take it personal for not getting the second date….

Dating is hard enough to make it work with local people. When you factor in travel for a total stranger, it puts a strain on getting to know each other. Some people are more than willing to travel and are happy to do so. I just wouldn’t hold your breath.

Bottom Line….

“Hood Fishing” is a gray area in dating. It makes sense to tell a white lie about your living situation. For people who are in the city for most of the week it sort of makes sense to want to meet people downtown versus where your apartment complex is. It can be used as a safely precaution for people who don’t want to disclose their exact location. Honestly, any tricky obstacle can be used as a great excuse to not continue the relationship. You could be rejected off the bat, or they are happy to have the built-in excuse to keep the relationship casual and short term. When he is willing to do the inconvenient thing it is a better sign he is more serious (or you are his only option). It’s best to try to meet people who are in close proximity, if possible, so you can pace the relationship in a healthy way.

Rankings Of How An Average First Date Will Go

Expectations are how people get super-disappointed in dating. Those who base dating and love through movies and TV will get an exaggerated version of how a first date actually goes. For obvious reasons, any scriptwriter isn’t going to showcase an average date because…yawn. However, anyone who is new to the dating scene needs to get their agenda in check before they get all wide-eyed about how they think it will go. Over the years, I have collected the data of how my dates have gone. This is the ranking from most common to least common on how a first date will go….

You have no opinion except he is nice….

Hands down, the most common type of energy. You don’t hate him, but you aren’t bursting with attraction either. These types of dates are actually hidden gems because you never know what this person will be going forward. I have had instances where the date became a very close friend or was a stepping-stone to meeting other people. When coming across this type of date, don’t dismiss it and still try your best to get to know them.

You think he is a little unhinged….

Ok, yea… you might run into a guy who is a little… off? Immediately thinking “nope” in your head as you give him a greeting hug. Once you start chatting, you don’t agree on the fundamentals and morals, or maybe he is the “I don’t even own a TV” type of guy. You try to wrap up the date when your meter has run out and make a polite exit.

You like him more….

Ok, so now you might meet someone whom you are attracted to. The only problem is it might not be 100 percent mutual. This can be a big bummer and the dates I come back from where I am kicking myself. “Why did I talk about jalapeño poppers for two minutes straight!?” You will be hard on yourself after this date and you will think about it days later. You might be more upset when he doesn’t do a follow-up text the next day. 

You don’t want a hookup… but he does….

This one can be tricky and a little insulting. It’s flattering that he does find you attractive, but you know he only sees you as a hookup and does not care to get to know you. Depending on your mindset at the time this can be fine. But when you want a guy to take you seriously, this is a letdown.

You are instant besties….

This can certainly happen when you both feel a more sister / brother vibe rather than attraction. He might make you laugh, but he isn’t your physical type. In some cases this guy is the slow-burn guy that can grow on you. He might be the healthier option rather than the typical bad-boy type you always date. Keep him around and see if your feelings change. 

You really, really hate him….

This type of date probably happens more in the political climate we are in. Anyone who is tuned into politics or has very firm opinions will struggle with anyone who isn’t on their team politically. In a lighter way, you might completely disagree on sports teams or movies. You could actually get into arguments and make everyone around you feel uncomfortable

You are both insanely attracted to each other…..

This is physically you both are like….wow. And then you probably have a few drinks and might have a make-out at the bar. However, it’s hard to know if it’s just surface-level attraction or if it can become something more meaningful.

You both experience “love at first sight”….

The most rare of dates. I think this has happened to me once. And it wasn’t even a date. I just was introduced to him in public. Either way, this is the date that is portrayed in movies and television. It has a Romeo and Juliet beginning where you are both physically attracted, but also intrigued about the person. When this type of date comes along you need to go to the gas station and buy a lottery ticket because it is extremely uncommon, especially coming from an app date. 

Bottom Line….

This list is very generalized and some might overlap into different types at once. I have certainly been on a date where I really hated the guy and was very attracted (weird I know). You need to understand while dating that you need to get your head right. Not saying that you shouldn’t be excited and hopeful. A more realistic approach is to go into expecting to meet a pretty cool person. You should always be adding new friends and acquaintances to your friend circle. Leaving every date with an attitude of, “no one likes me – we didn’t click” is very common. A true mutual attraction is very rare especially with both parties wanting a relationship. Stay grounded, yet hopeful, and don’t take a great connection for granted. 

“Quiet Quitting” For Dating

There has been a lot of buzz about “quiet quitting” in an office setting. Meaning, not being a total slave 24/7 to your boss and putting up healthy boundaries to have a balanced life. This can translate into dating for people who tend to overextend themselves. With the apps, it’s tempting to send the first message and then keep up the pursuit. As a woman dating men, you run into guys who are excited to hook up, but are not pursuing you back. Being in a masculine energy creates a lot of “busy work” rather than results. How can you work smarter, not harder, when it comes to love?…..

Clock out more…..

Once you have the apps on your phone at your disposal, it’s easy to be on call 24/7. Turn off notifications and only get to swiping and chatting for an hour, tops, a day. 

Don’t give out all your contact info…..

When he has access to Snapchat, Instagram, your phone number…and the app… he will choose the lowest form of communication. Be strategic and only give out one way to contact you (preferably, not Snapchat)

Try not to circle back…..

Priorities are crystal clear in early dating. Anyone who has ever canceled, then wanted to reschedule in the distant future, had doubts (or found a better option). Yes, they can always say “work got crazy!” But if he knew work could have gotten in the way, the date would have been on a Sunday. Trying to revive the date and poke him to take you out never works.

Pick his brain before the date…..

Yes, a first date is all about vibes. However, it’s good to actually know his situation before you agree to meet. You need to know his living situation, what he is looking for, and anything that is a waste of time to you. Your time is precious and should not be given out willy-nilly. 

Take it offline….

There is a window of attraction for both parties. Some matches can live online forever. I have seriously matched with the same men for years. Expect your match to get to the point and ask you out within a 48-hour period.

Give 110% on appearance….

Do not phone in your look for a first date. Men fall in love with their eyes first, then they will see if you have a personality. However, consider the time and place. (You don’t want to wear a ball gown at a coffee shop). Just looked pulled together and feminine.

Only accept total synergy….

Yes, there are guys who are slow burns. On a first date, there should at least be some intrigue or attraction. It doesn’t have to be sexual. It could be a feeling of “knowing a person” or feeling at ease around them. Trust your gut with who you want to spend time with. Even if the connection only results in friendship, it’s much better than forcing a vibe. 

Bottom Line…..

Dating is hard work. And just like in an office setting, you are better off being strategic with your energy and time. A lot of time is wasted chasing the wrong guy who only wanted a hookup. Go out with your friends more and outsource to others for a setup. Your main job should be to dress up a bit more when you go out, even if it’s just hanging with friends. Turn off your notifications on the dating apps so you won’t be distracted all day long. Don’t get caught up for too long on a rejection. Think in abundance, not scarcity when it comes to a job and dating.

The Freak In The Streets: How To Dress Sexy For Halloween

Halloween night is the time to take risks and go a little bit more risqué with how you normally dress. You should feel free to express yourself and embody an alter ego for the night. One person’s sexy is another’s mild. As long as it is out of your comfort zone you are on the right track. How can you pull out the tricks for fright night?….

Wear a body suit….

This can actually be slimming and surprisingly conservative. You aren’t showing any skin, but it is tight against your body. It’s great for a super hero look or a skeleton. Make sure it’s not too tight so you can still dance and move. Remember to lock the bathroom door because you will have to pull the whole thing down.

Show some cleavage….

Now is the time to show off the girls. Even as a witch with a long black dress the top can be low cut. Make sure to wear a push up bra or use tape. For girls who are less endowed you can wear a plunging neckline. Just wear some pasties or bandaids.

Booty shorts….

You can wear short shorts for many costumes. It’s best to wear tights underneath even if they are nude. You don’t want to be too cold, plus your inner thighs might chaff. A fishnet stocking always looks halloweeney and appropriate.

Go glam with your makeup….

Even if you decide to go a little gorey still make it a little sexy. You should amp up your eye makeup and add long false lashes to complete the look. Watch tutorials on Youtube or go on Pinterest to get inspiration. Get some press on nails and get those claws out.

Make sure your shoes are walkable….

It seems like the time to wear eight inch heels. Unless you wear that type of shoe all the time play it save and wear a block heel or boots. I like to think of the shoe first then build a costume around it.

Shop your closet…..

Try to not wear a costume out of a bag. It might be ill fitting and expensive. Try to wear as much real clothes as you can. Go to the thrift store and you can modify clothing by cropping it or taking off sleeves etc.

Consider the weather….

Depending on where you live you might have to include a coat. It’s best to make the coat apart of the costume in cold climates. A great look can be an old Hollywood starlet with a faux coat or Cruella de Vil. In hotter climates you can get away with less clothing.

What purse to bring…..

A purse can throw off a costume. When you wear a normal bag it seems disjointed. Make sure your bag goes with your costume. Also it’s best to be hands free if possible since you will be moving around and dancing. A belt bag might work best with most costumes. Bring only the essentials and leave the huge bag at home ( unless it’s apart of the look).

Bottom Line….

Be the freak in the streets! It’s not often that you can dress however you please and experiment with heavy makeup, wigs, and nails. Even the most conservative girl can get down with a little skin showing. You should also adopt a sexy attitude and confidence. Try do a dry run with your outfit in advance and make sure everything is working. If you are a last minute gal at least try it on the night before to make sure everything fits. Be scandalous, yet comfortable. You want to be free to move, dance, and go to the bathroom. Most important is to pick a recognizable costume that shows off your assets.

The Sneaky Link: Why Guys Hide Women

I just came across the term “sneaky link.” It essentially means keeping a person as a secret hookup. No social media posts, no bar hopping, and most importantly, no telling friends. It comes down to the harsh truth of dating that a man can be attracted in the bedroom, but not enough to be proud to take you in public and claim you as his. However, there are actions that can prevent a secret hookup from happening. This was a brief subplot in the show “Sex and the City.” It was in the early seasons where Carrie chats with a man who has an amazing sex life with a woman he did not take in public. Carrie asks why he can’t take her on dates? He explains that she doesn’t fit the physical mold and ideal for him. So, he just keeps her in the dark to save himself from embarrassment. It’s a hard tough-love thing to write about, but I had to come to terms with it because it’s happened to me over and over again. What are the reasons and preventable things to block the dreaded “Sneaky Link”?….

Never go to his place of residence…..

In early dating, he will try his hardest to get you to “watch a movie” at his place. Don’t go. You need to smoke him out and know he wants to be seen with you in public. It’s tempting to save money, not stress about a going-out outfit, and being cozy on the couch. Yet, you haven’t built the trust with him yet. He could totally see you as the late night secret hookup girl.

Look your best….

This one….is the tough one to hear. I am speaking to myself too. I have let myself go a little over the years. A lot of late-night pizza and not being super strict with my diet has resulted in not being at my ideal weight. Our current society standards are not fair for women. We are competing with celebrities who are receiving constant plastic surgery. Either way, there is an expectation and a difference when a man sees you as representing him in public. You probably already know when your appearance is slipping by how you are treated. “Pretty privilege” is a real thing and you will receive more positive attention and people going the extra mile when you look good. As humans, we judge based on appearance. Everyone feels comfortable by someone who looks healthy, clean, and put together. Notice how you are being treated on dates. Anything less than him doting on you and going the extra mile means he is not attracted.

Have high standards of what a date is…..

You are the one who decides what type of date you get. It will feel like you are in a business negotiation sometimes. It’s better to state what your values are, rather than caving to a guy’s selfish needs. You won’t get a humanitarian plaque to hang on your wall for being accommodating. If anything, he will respect you less for not having a spine. As a reminder, a date is in public where he pays for you.

Shift your energy back…..

This will not click in your brain until it happens in reverse to you. I have had guys who I did not like all that much, so my energy was not towards them. This causes a guy who likes you to push forward and chase. Once you see it done to you, it illuminates how you were acting and coming across. When you like a guy your brain will shut off and we will become impulsive. Texting him, asking him to hang out, agreeing to come by late night. Even just taking him off a pedestal and not have him consume your thoughts is a start.

Date for dates….

Going back to the in-public thing. Date to go on dates and enjoy your time together. Truly this is the best part of dating. Go to events, check out a music show, dance in the bars. A man who wants a shortcut does not value you. He will say, “it’s so expensive to go out,” “I don’t feel like seeing people – just come over,” “I just want to relax.” All of this translates to “I don’t see a need to pursue you or convince you to be with me.” When he is saying any variation of this, he doesn’t see you as girlfriend material or high value. He wants a free lunch where he does not need to claim you. Or worse, he doesn’t want to risk running into someone he knows with you on his arm.

Bottom Line….

It is never fun to be a “sneaky link.” A guy should be excited to show you off to his friends and take you on dates. Are there f*boys who do this to every woman they meet on the apps?….sure. However, it’s better to have firm boundaries and not give that type of guy what he wants. A “take it or leave it” attitude is because he does not value you as a real option. The hard truth is to admit that maybe you aren’t looking your best. This can be earth- shattering for women and full of trauma, so try to be as gentle as possible. View it as motivating to get better and on a healthy track for yourself. The most important thing is to never cave and fall into being a secret hookup. This means playing defense and only accepting public dates. You can’t be a secret when you are out in public together. But you will be a secret if you agree to hide in his home for every hangout.

When It’s Okay To Take A Dating Hiatus

Taking a dating pause is a great debate in dating. The fear is that taking a month off will result in you fumbling every new date and getting out of the loop. My rebuttal to not taking a break is: you only have one chance to make a good first impression. Taking a step back in dating usually means not being in your masculine and trying to make things happen. When you start to get close to burnout it is usually because you are the one putting in all the effort. The apps can suck the time out of your day. Consider deleting the apps for a period of time and see how much energy and time you were spending. What are things your should consider before you decide to take a dating hiatus?…..

Are your basic needs being met?….

In the pyramid of needs the base of the triangle (basic needs) need to be met. The next block up is a job, your own place, a circle of friends and anything that enriches your life. Some women will bypass the basics and fill the hole with a boyfriend thinking he will fix everything for her.

“When I lose ten pounds I will date”….

This is the biggest debate. Should you wait to date until you have lost weight and improved your appearance? My take is something in the middle, which is scale back dating and focus more on you. Having a tantrum while throwing dresses on your floor before a date needs to stop. Looking and feeling your best, plus your energy, is what is going to make a huge difference in a first date.

Friends should be a priority before dating….

Men come and go, but friends stick around. There will be a time when you are married with no friends. Take advantage of friendship and having people to go out with. If you have lost your core friend group to moving or marriage, then make it a priority to build up a new circle. Make friends through other friends, going out solo more, and try out Bumble BFF.

Your first conversation will be more interesting when you have things to talk about….

Interesting people do interesting things. Your “getting to know you” conversations will be less painful when you take a dating breather. Live your life! You can’t talk about other dates on a new date. Take stock in the last time you traveled or have been on a girls’ trip. Enrich your stories with fun concerts, traveling, and starting a new hobby.

Are your holding yourself back?….

Women are taught to always be open to love. Men are taught to get their life together first then settle down. Society is totally okay with you being unemployed and friendless, but still dating. Going on endless first dates can be a huge distraction to reaching your goals. Men would never drop everything to be with you or give up a great opportunity. Yet women would do so without thinking twice. Unless you feel 100 percent comfortable with your job, living situation, friend group, then scale back with dating.

Bottom Line….

You can’t have everything all at the same time. When there is no foundation the house will fall down. Over-dating can totally be a thing for people. You need to feel like you have things to talk about and a solid friend group to spend time with. A man will not come along and fix all your problems. Going on dates not feeling confident is like putting money in a broken vending machine. Your energy is what’s going to get you a second date. It’s totally fine to take a hiatus and focus on you. You’ll come back wiser, hotter, and have some amazing stories to tell.

How To Ask For A Set Up

There is a right way and a wrong way to ask for a set up from friends. It takes strategy of whom to ask and it isn’t you just sitting at home while they find you your soulmate. The worst set up is from the reluctant friend who does not consider your type and interests and just throws you a single man with a pulse. Be rock solid about what type you are looking for before you tell others. What are things to keep in mind before you do the asking?…

Don’t ask your bestie, ask 2nd and 3rd tier friends….

The bar friends, or fun friends, see you at your best. Your BFF knows too much about you and will have a bias while looking. They might have blinders on to see a great match for you, mainly because they know your flaws and insecurities. Your bar friends see you as fun and positive and will want your match to be the same.

Leave out the negatives….

When you say what you don’t want, then the person might misremember and look for the negatives. Keep things very simple with only a few things you are looking for in a partner. You don’t want to confuse the one finding you a match. Don’t be too vague by throwing out universal adjectives. Stick to concrete things you are looking for, such as someone who works in the music or tech industry, for example. As far as a visual reference, talk about one celebrity crush that you are obsessed with.

Be social….

You can’t expect to sit at home while your unpaid matchmaker does the work. Don’t depend on a person who is doing you a big favor. Go to a lot of events, bars, house parties–all that. Bring your smile and your best outfit and mingle. It is best to get a set up as an in-person introduction rather than a drawn out back-and-forth.

Don’t follow up too much….

Your friend is not your matchmaker. They have their own lives and it’s rude to expect them to work around the clock for you. You sort of have to set it and forget it for the most part and hope for the best. The best strategy is to ask multiple friends so it becomes a numbers game.

Make sure your Instagram has photos of you….

When a friend wants to set you up, they need photos of you. It will be frustrating and not a great sell when you have only pics of your cat. Make sure to throw in a few flattering selfies and full body shots.

Bottom Line….

While asking for a set up be breezy and not pushy. You want the vibe that this is a fun thing that your friend can get excited about. When you are demanding and treating your friend like a paid employee, they will be reluctant to actually find you someone. Still put yourself out there by going to parties and getting introduced by friends. Hang out with your socially extroverted friends who are well connected. A loose connection of theirs could become your next boyfriend. Make sure you are putting out great photos of yourself on socials. You need a reference for your friend to show. Make sure your pics are clear and flattering with head shots and body shots. Finally, have a tight elevator pitch that is positive about what type of person you are looking for.

Don’t Bring Sand To The Beach: Why You Need To Be Single For Freshmen Year

“Bringing sand to the beach” is a saying I go to for this scenario. There were two camps of people I met freshmen year of college: The ones who recently became single and the, “hold on… going to step out for a call” people. In my experience, the orientation is crucial in making your friends for the rest of the year. Nothing can replace that tight bond you form the first week. Why is it a good idea to end things with your high school boyfriend before you start your next chapter?…

The first semester freshmen year will set the tone….

Unless you are going to college in your hometown, it’s very overwhelming to get adjusted. First night there you will realize that you don’t have to text your mom and can stay out until 4am. Your newfound freedom will be dampened by your high school boyfriend sending “concerned” and passive-aggressive text messages telling you to “stay safe.”

“So, I should transfer to his college, right?”….

Please don’t. Not only will he grow tired of you always being in his dorm, it will hold you back from your education. Your education is not only your classes, it’s learning to deal with your bitchy roommate who leaves her shoes by the door for you to trip on, or that finicky coffee maker you bought second hand. With a safely-net boyfriend you fail to learn fundamental “adult” skills.

Friends will stop including you if you flake all the time….

Don’t be the “you guys go ahead, I’m going to hang back” girl. You only get these wild experiences for one time period in your life. They call college “glory days” for a reason. You can’t exactly steal a traffic sign and nail it to your wall in your 30s. Nor can you sleep on a rock hard futon with a full face of makeup as an adult without needing a chiropractor.

Everyone is newly single….

Eventually, the high school sweethearts will break up. This will open up the campus to “single and ready to mingle” wide-eyed people. Not saying you should be the dorm whore, but opportunities will be open to meet your future college sweetheart.

If your high school boyfriend wants it to work he will try….

You being practical and saying you should end things might light a fire under his ass. There is no losing when you end things with him. Either it will save you from heartbreak where you see him in a Snapchat story with another girl or that awkward moment when you meet his new friends on his campus and try to figure out what girl he made out with the first night. It’s a big headache that isn’t worth dealing with. Fate will work things out if you and your high school boyfriends are meant to marry.

Never make long-term decisions based on a man….

This lesson carries for the rest of your life. No, you shouldn’t move for your weird situationship when he decides to try van life in Denver. Never move for a man unless there is a wedding date and you can’t get a deposit back on a venue. A man would never zig and zag for you if his education or job was at stake. He will probably say point blank: “don’t move for me.” Make decisions for you and you only!

Bottom Line…..

Seizing opportunities means you need to be a free agent. The worry and drama of what your high school boyfriend is up to will drive you crazy. You need to open yourself up to meet new amazing people. These new people will become your college besties who may join you in adulthood. Don’t waste the bonding time by looking backwards. Never make long-term decisions based on a man’s life. Make a man inconvenienced to show he isn’t dating out of convenience. Most importantly, choose your education and future before anyone else.