Back To School: Roomie Expectations

When going off to college, you will be introduced to living with a roommate. There will be bumps along the way to say the least. I am going to break down the types of roommates out there and how to navigate dealing with tricky roommates starting from college and beyond. What can you expect freshman year?…..

Communicate before the move-in day…..

Your college will give your their contact info. Back in the olden days when I went to college we found each other on Facebook. Open up a stream of communication, feel out the vibes, and talk logistics. Who will have the mini fridge, TV, coffee maker, etc.

Don’t treat her like your BFF….

The ideal relationship is that you will be on good terms. Don’t treat her like a bestie because you will need to lay down boundaries. It is too easy to let things slide when you are trying to impress someone. Make sure everything is fair and square with how the room is set up. Don’t let her take over the room. Be cautious with shared items such as the TV or mini fridge. It could be taken away from you if there is a fight. So beware of petty behavior. My old roommate loved leaving passive-aggressive post-it notes on the microwave. If you are living in a style where you have your own room and a shared living room / kitchen then buy your own mini-fridge and tv for your bedroom. You don’t want to fight about your roommate eating your leftovers.

Expect there will be conflict….

In the first year of college everyone is trying to adjust and fit in. People will be high on stress. Don’t take too many things personally, especially when you get ignored. Everyone needs a safe haven to go and sleep and decompress after class. Give each other space, but don’t let her make you feel awkward to be in your own room.

Be careful who you vent to…..

The rumor mill is not your friend. You don’t want her to think you are talking sh*t about her around campus. Be careful of private journals as well. It might not be smart to have a notebook someone could go though. Don’t bring anything valuable or sentimental with you to the dorm. Invest in a lock box if needed to store things under the bed. Your roommate might not be a thief, but dorms tend to be wide-open to friends dropping by, etc. Keep your stuff safe.

5 things to have for the dorm…..

1. Noise-canceling headphones – It can help you in the dorm when she is talking on her phone loudly and you have a deadline.

2. Eye mask – Napping is essential

3. First Aid and medicine kit – You might get sick out of nowhere. Pepto and aspirin will be a lifesaver, but be prepared with bandaids and cold medicine, too.

4. Flip-flops for the shower – have a handy shower caddy with the essentials. Don’t bother with soap since it is messy. Get a bottle of bodywash and avoid buying a loofah or wash cloth ( too many germs).

5. A hidden snack box – have snacks for when the dining hall is closed or when pulling an all- nighter. Have snacks that will keep and are wrapped to stay fresh. Don’t tell your roommate about it so she won’t steal your food

5 Types of roommates…..

“The Never There Roommate” – The best roommate ever! This is an ideal roommate to have in any life stage, minus hunting them down to pay bills or rent.

“ The Always There Roommate” – This happens more in the male space where he only plays video games. But yea… there they are…

“ The Roommate With The Boyfriend” – He….is…always…there. It can get frustrating when you just want to watch TV in the living room – or your food gets eaten.

“The Messy Roommate”– In my experience, don’t create a Cold War–let her leave the dishes. Just clean up for her. I know this is unjust and not moral, but she isn’t going to clean. Have a discussion about common areas being clean, but you will have to pick up the slack in the kitchen and in the bathroom.

“The Social Roommate”– She brings the party back to the dorm / apartment. Try to swash this by discussing it day one. Be crystal clear you don’t want late-night visitors. If she continues to do it then you need to switch roommates or move out. (In a dorm situation get the RA involved).

Beyond College…..

In my experience, it isn’t the greatest idea to live with very good friends. There are probably people out there who have had a blast with their roommate / bestie from day one….I just feel it’s more likely it could tarnish your relationship. It is better to be able to spend time in your room alone without having to entertain her. It feels a lot better to visit your really good friend to get out of the apartment for a while versus being with her constantly. Things do change after you live with a person and she will show you her true colors.

Signing leases…..

It is best to be in a position to not be locked in. Don’t let her trick you into paying extra for anything (unless you have the master bedroom, etc). Try to not be the one who has all the stuff – it will be trickier to move out. Wait until your have your own place to spread out and have your specific white comfy couch- all that. If possible have a deadbolt installed on your bedroom door. You don’t want anyone rummaging though your things or sleeping in your bed when you are out of town.

Make sure you aren’t the bad roommate…..

If you are paying your rent on time, keeping clean, keeping quiet, and minding your own business, then you are a perfectly fine roommate. As far as private landlords go: Keep your complaints very professional, be gracious when things are fixed, and act like an adult. You may need their reference to move to another apartment.

Bottom Line…..

Roommates can be a nightmare. It is always better to go in with the right expectations and attitude. In my freshman year they stuffed three of us together in an open room. ( not including my roommate’s boyfriend who was the unofficial roommate). The main conflict is going to be with boys- hands down. When she gets a boyfriend or is sleeping around it will become annoying (walls are thin…). Lay down the law before the crime happens and don’t let things slide. Don’t be aggressive, but don’t be passive-aggressive either. Be clear, and firm with your communication. Think of your relationship with any roommate as you would a co-worker. Make sure you are a good roommate as well ( pay rent on time, don’t be loud, be clean, mind your own business). In any difficult relationship treat it as an exercise in communication and growing your social skills.

How To Hint To Get The Date You Want

When talking about masculine and feminine energy, there is some confusion on date planning. The most masculine way to plan a date is to pick a location, time, and maybe even make a reservation to lock it down. There is a gray area of not wanting to be dragged along on a date, but still trying to come across as flexible. How can the feminine energy person suggest without becoming the social director?….

Speak about things you like….

Be enthusiastic about what bars, cafés, and restaurants you enjoy going to. In the initial “getting to know you” conversation, there will be questions about hobbies and weekend activities. Be specific about certain places you love going to, while still having somewhat of an open-to-explore attitude.

Your date wants to impress you….

It would be rare if a date went rogue and took you to a bizarre location. A home run-foolproof plan starts with knowing what will impress you.

Try to be fairly flexible….

You should venture a little out of your comfort zone. Branch out and explore new spots and don’t take every single date to one location. As an alternative it is ok to go to a favorite location before the date to get into the zone.

The 48-hour period….

Plans to meet should be happening sooner than later. Poking the bear after a week, or suggesting you meet up will probably fall apart. Keep the 2-day rule where he can make a plan and you can chime in with suggestions. If a date does not have a time and location, then you do not have a date.

Try to suggest a fun date if possible….

Not every city has fun activities. (I wish my city would bring back mini-golf.) Cities that have access to a beach or anything that can get you in play mode should be encouraged. You can try your hand at trivia night if you feel you excel in it.

You can counter the request one time….

He might suggest a place and you are not feeling it. You are allowed to have one counter place that you both could agree on. Don’t get into an argument and make the date planning super stressful. When you make it too much of an issue and can’t go with the flow, he will cancel the date.

Try not to be greedy….

Do women deserve a 5-star restaurant date with lobster and champagne? Yes. However, you need to focus more of your energy on the conversation and if you can have fun together. Being wined and dined can be wonderful, but with the wrong person you might as well have gone for fast food.

He is lazy and you want him to step it up….

There will be a case where there is zero effort. He might suggest you come over to his home. In this instance, it is best to go with your standards and say you only do public dates. More than likely he will ghost. Either way, this is better than going along with the bare minimum.

Bottom Line….

Showing your standards is a great thing. However, when you come off as too controlling, it can ruin the vibe and make him change his mind. You can suggest the type of things you love to do in a breezy way. It is better to say what you enjoy in passing rather than demanding he take you to a specific location. Be realistic about how fancy the date should be. Yes, you deserve a nice date, but keep your expectations in check and go for a middle-of-the-road place for the first meeting. The opposite of this is the bottom-of-the-barrel type date. In this case, you should decline when he refuses to meet you in public.

Keeping Calm And Carrying On: Navigating A Difficult Date

Coming across a jaded dude on the apps is pretty common. He might have just gotten divorced or has been burned too many times. Usually, there are no sweet nothings and flowery language. Just blunt and to the point. He might question your competence and your life decisions. This situation hopefully will only be a first date you took a chance on. (It might even happen in an intense interview). How do you get though a date where the guy is grilling you?…..

Remain calm no matter what….

I have had dates where the guy loved to neg and question my life choices. A 9-5er will scoff at a non-traditional career path and schedule. However, some men actually want to bully for their amusement. It’s important to not take the bait.

Don’t answer questions right away…..

Take a few moments to think of an answer. Don’t just fumble into an anxious defense. Take a moment, sip your drink, and smile. He might feel awkward and ashamed he asked the question in the first place.

Change the subject…..

Deflection is your friend. You can always change the subject or interrupt the question with you saying you need to use the restroom or get another drink. Most questions have an expiration date and can be disrupted. Everyone has a short attention span and wants to move on.

Shift the questions on him….

A lot of politicians answer a question with a question. It’s a tactic that puts the asker on the spot.

Ask him to repeat the questions…..

He might be embarrassed he asked a question and might retreat when confronted to repeat it.

Kill him with humor…..

A good comeback is calm and hilarious. There are no swear words or low blows. A lot of comedians who handle hecklers on a nightly basis have the quick comeback down. The best part is the restraint to not show you are offended and to keep it light and smart. Not everyone can pull this off, but it’s an amazing skill to do a “mic drop” moment if necessary.

Poker face…..

Your emotions will show up in your eyes. You might frown or have terror written all over your face. Consciously try to not move your brows or narrow your eyes.

Get grounded…..

Look around the room and mentally count how many objects are on a table. Get yourself centered back in the room and regroup. You heart might be racing and your blood pressure is going up. Inhale and exhale to get your pulse back down.

Give him the benefit of the doubt…..

You can’t know the full intent based on one question. You could be projecting your insecurities and hearing a reasonable questions as an attack. Assume, at least at first, that he is kidding or lightly roasting. Some guys just have a sarcastic tone and it is hard to tell if he is purposely tearing you down.

Don’t stay long…..

The longer you feel disrespected the more he learns you are perfectly fine with it. If it’s truly uncomfortable and you feel he is pushing you over the limit, then leave. You don’t have to make a scene, just politely say you need to go.

Bottom Line…..

Uncomfortable dates or even interviews for jobs will happen. You truly don’t know what kind of mood a person will be in. Obviously, you can leave immediately and not put up with any disrespect. However, this could be good practice around difficult people ( family, co-workers, bosses). It’s good to know you can stand your ground and not be rattled by any little question. The main thing is to not come across as affected. Most bullies need an active audience. Pick up on the vibes before the date is set up. Is he already coming in hot with judgmental questions? If so, then spare yourself a messy meet-up and just decline or unmatch.

Making An Impression For Freshmen Year

I remember the five-hour car ride to college. Fear mixed with excitement hit me in waves while listening to my iPod classic. On the bright side, this type of situation is the perfect time to revamp your image. High school is over and you are probably going to a place where no one knows you. You can be whoever you choose to be! That mindset shift is actually pretty liberating. There aren’t too many life moments where you can just say, “actually no, I am not going to be known as shy and awkward. I am going to be friendly and liked by people!” It comes down to a choice you make for yourself and can even get yourself out of a personality rut…..

The fashion purge….

First things first….Let’s talk about the physical. If you were pretty bland with your clothing choices in high school (I looked like a Gap mannequin), now is the time to spice things up. Not saying you need to look like a wacky elementary-school art teacher, but get a little out of your comfort zone. Ask your fashion-forward friend to go though your closet and then go thrift shopping together. Tell her to be brutally honest about what is working and what isn’t. Donate clothes that are ill-fitting or are just plain unflattering.

Hair decisions…..

Now is the time to dye your hair a color you have always wanted. Get that fresh cut or even extensions. A mousey brown to a stunning blonde can make a world of difference. (Go to a salon; using a box-dye could be regrettable. Treat yourself!) Personally, I would stick to natural colors to cast a wide net of people. When you choose to dye your hair raven black or green it puts you in the “alternative” category. Unless you are already in that look and have a tattoo sleeve, for example, then try not to shove yourself in a limiting box.

The glow up….

I do not advocate starving yourself to lose 20 pounds in two weeks. Nowadays, society is wayyyy more accepting of different body types. When I was a freshmen if you weren’t rail thin, eyebrows would be raised. Thank god that isn’t the case now. However, if you want to tone up or change eating patterns to be healthier, then great! It’s a good time to get in the habit of working out and drinking more water.

Your high school boyfriend…..

Ok….summer of senior year is break-up season. I know you think that it will be fine and you can do long distance….stop! You need to give yourself the freedom to meet people and not be chained to your phone so you can have nightly phone calls. It is crucial to be open to go to parties, join that club, and just have fun! If you are meant to marry your high school sweetheart, the universe will take care of it.

Your high school friends…..

No problem with staying friends with your bestie. Just try not to use her as a crutch. It’s fun if she visits you for a weekend, yet this is your time to spread your wings. Also, she might see you as high school; you when you are trying to change up your image and rebrand. Yes, she is your old friend and you can still remain good friends through college and beyond; just try to be open to new friends and opportunities.

Expectations for your first roommate….

Hate to break the news, but she could be a total nightmare. The first night, my roommate had her boyfriend stay over….and let’s just say it wasn’t comfortable. You never know what you will be walking into. Freshmen year they might shove you in with two roommates! Make sure to have solid boundaries from the start and to not let the little things slide. I know you want to get along, but it’s easy to get walked over by a bossy roommate.

Should you play the field or couple up?…..

Boys, boys, boys….There will be new boys everywhere and probably the majority are freshly single. Going back to rebranding, it’s important to not get a tarnished reputation out of the gate. I know you want to carpe diem, but think about the rumor mill that might haunt you later when you are ready to settle down. Now, with social media, one uploaded video could blacklist you. It would be regrettable to lose your virginity or have a first casual hook up in a drunken haze. Do not answer messages after 11pm. Put your phone on silent and go to sleep. You will get many many offers to come chill in a dude’s dorm late night.

Bottom Line…..

Your life can change overnight. The first night I arrived at college I met new friends, went to my first college party, and finally felt like I belonged. I allowed myself to be outgoing, confident, and open to experience. Yes, there should be limits such as boundary setting. Be careful with boys and be firm yet polite with your new roommate. Drama will happen regardless, yet you need to be strategic with your reputation and rebranding yourself. It will happen fast, but the memories and lessons will last a lifetime.