The Attraction Window For Early Courting

The greatest debate in dating…. When should you have sex? In building a relationship, dangling the carrot helps you in getting a guy to lock it down. Unfortunately, desire and attraction are not on your timetable. Now, especially in our fast-paced dating world, we get distracted by another shiny object faster than having patience in building a relationship. In a casual mindset, this question does not usually come up. With courting and getting into a solid relationship not based on sex, it becomes tricky. The worry is if you give it up too soon, you will land in a Netflix and chill universe forever. But if you wait too long, you get friend-zoned. I will say that when you really like a guy you will always feel better by not hooking up. There is a gray area where you are trying to build up desire while trying to communicate boundaries. What are some things to keep in mind in an early courting stage?….

Mindset matters….

You hear a lot about the girl who had the one-night stand and then now she is married to him with three kids. More than likely, he was ready for commitment and she happened to come along. It is important to listen when he tells you what stage he is currently in. Either way, it’s not advisable to hook up after knowing each other for two hours.

You might get the ick….

You are part of the equation, too. There is a reason why a lot of men are thrown into the friend zone or it never gets off the ground. Attraction has an expiration date for most women. If a man is taking his time and not keeping up with constant dates, it becomes an out-of-sight, out-of-mind situation.

You could be friend-zoned….

Without attraction, anticipation, and desire you could either be forgotten or friend-zoned. It is important to not treat dates as job interviews and keep it light fun and a dash of sexy.

When is the right time?….

The safest and most bulletproof answer is wait until you become an exclusive relationship. His decision will be made faster when there is true desire. The window can be a short window when he is super-attached and in a commitment mindset.

Chemistry and timing…..

In the show “How I Met Your Mother,” the character Robin explains to Ted that the most important thing in love is “chemistry and timing.” Unlike rom coms, he having to move to Nebraska for work might not prompt him to propose just to keep you. Timing and practicality usually override most romantic feelings.

Bottom Line….

The relationship window might be closing faster than you think. With the distraction of options from the apps, Instagram, and any other platform, it’s easier to friend-zone or simply ghost. The hookup should never be rushed; rather, create desire and anticipation. He being in a commitment mindset will help speed his decision along. However, timing and practicality could stand in the way and close the window for good. Getting friend-zoned usually means there is not enough chemistry and there is nothing to look forward to. Once there is natural chemistry you need to create an environment of desire and anticipation in a playful way.

How To Ask For A Set Up

There is a right way and a wrong way to ask for a set up from friends. It takes strategy of whom to ask and it isn’t you just sitting at home while they find you your soulmate. The worst set up is from the reluctant friend who does not consider your type and interests and just throws you a single man with a pulse. Be rock solid about what type you are looking for before you tell others. What are things to keep in mind before you do the asking?…

Don’t ask your bestie, ask 2nd and 3rd tier friends….

The bar friends, or fun friends, see you at your best. Your BFF knows too much about you and will have a bias while looking. They might have blinders on to see a great match for you, mainly because they know your flaws and insecurities. Your bar friends see you as fun and positive and will want your match to be the same.

Leave out the negatives….

When you say what you don’t want, then the person might misremember and look for the negatives. Keep things very simple with only a few things you are looking for in a partner. You don’t want to confuse the one finding you a match. Don’t be too vague by throwing out universal adjectives. Stick to concrete things you are looking for, such as someone who works in the music or tech industry, for example. As far as a visual reference, talk about one celebrity crush that you are obsessed with.

Be social….

You can’t expect to sit at home while your unpaid matchmaker does the work. Don’t depend on a person who is doing you a big favor. Go to a lot of events, bars, house parties–all that. Bring your smile and your best outfit and mingle. It is best to get a set up as an in-person introduction rather than a drawn out back-and-forth.

Don’t follow up too much….

Your friend is not your matchmaker. They have their own lives and it’s rude to expect them to work around the clock for you. You sort of have to set it and forget it for the most part and hope for the best. The best strategy is to ask multiple friends so it becomes a numbers game.

Make sure your Instagram has photos of you….

When a friend wants to set you up, they need photos of you. It will be frustrating and not a great sell when you have only pics of your cat. Make sure to throw in a few flattering selfies and full body shots.

Bottom Line….

While asking for a set up be breezy and not pushy. You want the vibe that this is a fun thing that your friend can get excited about. When you are demanding and treating your friend like an unpaid intern they will be reluctant to actually find you someone. Still put yourself out there by going to parties and getting introduced by friends. Hang out with your socially extroverted friends who are well connected. A loose connection of theirs could become your next boyfriend. Make sure you are putting out great photos of yourself on socials. You need a reference for your friend to show. Make sure your pics are clear and flattering with head shots and body shots. Finally, have a tight elevator pitch that is positive about what type of person you are looking for.

Don’t Bring Sand To The Beach: Why You Need To Be Single For Freshmen Year

“Bringing sand to the beach” is a saying I go to for this scenario. There were two camps of people I met freshmen year of college: The ones who recently became single and the, “hold on… going to step out for a call” people. In my experience, the orientation is crucial in making your friends for the rest of the year. Nothing can replace that tight bond you form the first week. Why is it a good idea to end things with your high school boyfriend before you start your next chapter?…

The first semester freshmen year will set the tone….

Unless you are going to college in your hometown, it’s very overwhelming to get adjusted. First night there you will realize that you don’t have to text your mom and can stay out until 4am. Your newfound freedom will be dampened by your high school boyfriend sending “concerned” and passive-aggressive text messages telling you to “stay safe.”

“So, I should transfer to his college, right?”….

Please don’t. Not only will he grow tired of you always being in his dorm, it will hold you back from your education. Your education is not only your classes, it’s learning to deal with your bitchy roommate who leaves her shoes by the door for you to trip on, or that finicky coffee maker you bought second hand. With a safely-net boyfriend you fail to learn fundamental “adult” skills.

Friends will stop including you if you flake all the time….

Don’t be the “you guys go ahead, I’m going to hang back” girl. You only get these wild experiences for one time period in your life. They call college “glory days” for a reason. You can’t exactly steal a traffic sign and nail it to your wall in your 30s. Nor can you sleep on a rock hard futon with a full face of makeup as an adult without needing a chiropractor.

Everyone is newly single….

Eventually, the high school sweethearts will break up. This will open up the campus to “single and ready to mingle” wide-eyed people. Not saying you should be the dorm whore, but opportunities will be open to meet your future college sweetheart.

If your high school boyfriend wants it to work he will try….

You being practical and saying you should end things might light a fire under his ass. There is no losing when you end things with him. Either it will save you from heartbreak where you see him in a Snapchat story with another girl or that awkward moment when you meet his new friends on his campus and try to figure out what girl he made out with the first night. It’s a big headache that isn’t worth dealing with. Fate will work things out if you and your high school boyfriends are meant to marry.

Never make long-term decisions based on a man….

This lesson carries for the rest of your life. No, you shouldn’t move for your weird situationship when he decides to try van life in Denver. Never move for a man unless there is a wedding date and you can’t get a deposit back on a venue. A man would never zig and zag for you if his education or job was at stake. He will probably say point blank: “don’t move for me.” Make decisions for you and you only!

Bottom Line…..

Seizing opportunities means you need to be a free agent. The worry and drama of what your high school boyfriend is up to will drive you crazy. You need to open yourself up to meet new amazing people. These new people will become your college besties who may join you in adulthood. Don’t waste the bonding time by looking backwards. Never make long-term decisions based on a man’s life. Make a man inconvenienced to show he isn’t dating out of convenience. Most importantly, choose your education and future before anyone else.

How Can An Average Joe Be “Camp Hot”?

I frequently chat with my guy friends about dating. All have sighed and said they get zero matches on the apps and are getting discouraged. First, I try to fix up the profile, switch out the photos, then see if there is any traction. However, the apps are not set up to favor the men. Women get constantly swiped on and only really have to get their photos out there. If a guy thinks she is his physical type — swipe right. With women… it’s a little more complex: personality, humor, and occupation go a long way. A simple 2D profile cannot capture the essence of a human. This brings me to “camp hot” and how an average Joe can capitalize on the concept….

What is “camp hot”?…..

It is a biological concept where if men are scarce, then women will find the men more enticing. It goes back to a “stranded on a desert island” or in a potato famine situation. Women, to be able to breed, had to perceive the dwindling men as attractive. It is the opposite of the “cheerleader effect,“ coined by Barney Stinson in the show “How I Met Your Mother.” The effect is where women in groups will all look the same. When one woman is gorgeous, the men will perceive all the females in the group to be hot.

What should a guy not do?….

Key mistakes are to go against the theory. Any place where he blends in or where there are too many options, he should steer away from. Dating apps are the worst idea. Even decently attractive men will be swiped aside to favor the most attractive out there. Yes, women might take a beat and read a profile more. However, a few prompts, even if interesting, can’t trump model looks.

Be a leader….

Women need a story about a guy. She is more likely to be asked what a guy does versus what he looks like. When he is in charge of hosting an event, the lead singer of a band, or runs an indie film fest, she can share that with her friend. It creates an identity with that guy as well.

Pick a class or club that caters to women….

There are certain classes that are geared more to women. A pottery class or a “paint and sip” club, for example, are great ones. Just like in the classroom days, the girls will scope out the room for the cute guys. The fewer single guys, the more leverage.

Go out with your “wing men” sparingly….

Hanging with the bros seems like a natural way to go to bars. However, when it’s a big group of men, the women zero in on who’s the most charismatic and talks the most. An average guy is usually introverted and isn’t good at hitting on women. When going out, pick a mixed group of females and males. With a mixture of mostly women, but a handful of men, it helps you stand out since there are fewer choices to go through. When there isn’t a group to go with, be okay with a solo happy hour. Suit up, show up, and try to strike up conversations. Going earlier is a better strategy than last call.

Bottom Line….

With modern dating, the attractive Alpha males know how to be in the spotlight. They have no issue with the apps and thrive while going out with the boys at the bars. The sensitive, average, or introverted men get swiped aside. It is a shame since most of the nice guys make wonderful boyfriends. An average guy can stand out and shine when there are fewer shiny objects eclipsing him. I have fallen for many guys who are in charge of something. Many times to girlfriends, I would exclaim I am seeing “Brad the DJ” or “Peter the guy who runs the bad movie night on Thursdays.” Let’s face it, the apps are starting to be on the decline. Everything old is new again, with dating mixers and friends more willing to do a set up. Soon, the average guy will become the exceptional guy once meeting in person becomes the norm again.