Why You Need To Delete The Dating Apps

Have I always felt this way?…No. I have said before that I forecasted the trend that dating apps will soon be outdated. I see the rise in dating mixers, speed-dating, and set-ups. In the past few years, I have noticed the shift of the apps completely turning into a man’s candy store. It does not favor women since men treat the apps like an escort catalogue. I decided to delete the apps for a full month. My detox has given me precious time back to focus on me again. Why should you delete the dating apps and what can you do instead?…..

The illusion of “saving time”…..

This was the big sell with the apps. The problem is you are still going on dates where he is seeing you in person for the first time. There are too many expectations and disappointments once you get face-to-face.

The gamification of the apps…..

The creators of the apps made it so you would enjoy swiping and getting into a gambling mindset. You want to keep swiping until you match with a better-looking person. Recently, the word has gotten out that apps are gatekeeping and will only show certain matches behind a pay wall.

How distracting they can be…..

Yes, you can limit yourself and be intentional. However, you are still spending time on it. When I deleted the apps, I became extremely productive and focused. When you replace swiping with a side hustle….it’s a better trade off.

It deters you from going out…..

You might feel more inclined to sit on your couch and swipe when you could have gotten dressed and met up with friends. Or worse, you are out with friends with your head buried in your phone.

You lose in your in-person social skills….

When you don’t use it, you lose it. Being social and charming is a muscle. When you are used to silent messaging, you are not practicing body language, tone, and reading-between-the-lines.

What can you do instead…..

I have said before that mixers and speed-dating need to be utilized. The mistake I made pre-apps was going out to bars hunting for men. You need to be intentional about the location of where you will be seen to better quality men – not f-boys. It is best to get out of your comfort zone and look your best. Join a meet-up group, co-ed soccer team, art class, etc. The set up can be a set back since it is too similar to the apps, although it can be a part of your game plan. Getting your face out there and making a great impression will save you time in the long run. When a guy approaches you in the wild, you will know he saw you and was attracted. A matchmaker can be a little dicey and not worth the money, unless you come from a culture that benefits from matchmaking and it is the norm. However, if it is a low price and seems like a deal, then give it a whirl.

Bottom Line….

Do it now…delete all your dating apps! At least, give it a trial period and after a month see how you feel. (Unless you only want hook-ups, then stick to the apps for that). For anyone who is tired of casual and wants to be treated with more respect, then get out of your comfort zone. Don’t be embarrassed to try speed-dating or a mixer. Make a point to go to a dating event twice a month. Maximize the experience by getting a blowout at a salon, get your makeup done professionally, and wear a great outfit. Most importantly, bring your smile and welcoming body language.

Less Money, More Problems: How Does Money Affect Relationships?

In an ideal world, money and relationships would not matter. There are always issues of power if the woman makes more money, or if both partners have no money. Personally, I have always struggled with money. I have worked in restaurants and have lived that bohemian life. Mainly, I have gotten into relationships with men who are restaurant workers while playing in a band. This has been restrictive to what sort of dates we could go on. It’s not practical to take a weekend off and fly to Hawaii or go to a fancy restaurant.

Being poor does not mean he is lazy…..

He might be trying to get a PhD or has a ton of student loan debt. It’s pretty common for young people to not be doing as well as their parents. He might have to live with roommates in a high rent situation. Nowadays, living in a city costs way more and is at the point of being not affordable.

What can you do if money is holding you back?….

It’s frustrating that you cannot go on nice dates. So getting to know a new guy results in maybe a cheap lunch and hanging at his apartment. This doesn’t really last long and it ends up resulting in a friends-with-benefits or casual relationship.
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To avoid this, here are a few ideas of what you can do that are free or very cheap….

Go to the beach or lake- If you are lucky enough to live near a body of water, take advantage. It’s fun to spend the day enjoying the sun and relaxing.

Go on a hike- This isn’t for everyone, but it’s always nice to get fresh air.

Get a slice of pizza- Usually the slices are massive and you can get cheap beer with it.

Go to day festivals or a local fair- There will music, people watching, and a fun atmosphere.

Play hide and seek in a mall- It feels silly and brings out childlike energy and competition.

Play patio games- Some restaurants have corn hole or ring toss games.

See free or cheap entertainment- Some local theaters shows are around $10. Open mics can be free or a small fee.

Take advantage of happy hour or food specials- Going out on a Saturday will be crowded and you will be paying more. Restaurants and bars give out deals during the week.

Go to the dollar theater- Not every city has this, but you could go to a matinee and sneak in snacks.

Play a drinking game- Most drinking games are “getting to know you” games. For non-drinkers you can just play the games without drinking

Can you get serious with a guy with no money?….

There are types of people who can be very wealthy… yet cheap. He might be a penny-pincher and see no need to spend his paycheck on you. Not saying he has to buy you a diamond necklace or be your sugar daddy. For example, does he buy you cough medicine and soup when you are sick? He needs to show you he is a provider no matter what his budget is.

Don’t let him guilt you into treating him on the date….

Sure…there might be situations where you split something. However, he should never pressure you into paying for both of you on a date. It just shows he is taking advantage and isn’t trying to impress you. All dates should be within his budget instead of picking a fancy place where you are forced to go dutch. (Keep in mind this is date night! You could just stay home when money is tight). Another reason to never pay for both of you is that you will expect him to grovel at your feet. When he gives you a mild “thanks” you will resent it.

Keep living arrangements separate…..

Especially when there is a gap in your finances. There will always be a fight about who pays for what. The problem lies when men are making less. He will usually not be inclined to pitch in with keeping up with cleaning or grocery runs. Resentment will be at an all time high and you will slip into parenting mode, rather than partners.

If a man strikes it rich, he might feel the need to upgrade…..

This can happen with men who reach a level of fame or prestige. You have to keep in mind that you might be with him while he is poor, then suddenly he makes it big and leaves you. This isn’t always the case, but it can certainly happen. So, don’t think that you found a wounded bird to bring back to life. He will more than likely leave you behind, and you will feel dumb about trying to help him with his finances. Be with him in the present, not his potential.

Bottom Line…..

Money always causes the most fights in a relationship. The important thing is seeing if he is wanting to be a provider, regardless of his paycheck. You can’t expect a guy on a limited budget to take you on a week-long vacation in Cancun. Sometimes, if there is too much of a gap in money, it does not work long term since one person is used to a certain lifestyle. In modern society, a woman still wants to feel taken care of even if she makes more money than him. Remember that liking a man for his potential is a bad idea. Sure, he might get that raise or win the lottery, you just can’t count on it. Plus he might want to upgrade and leave his past life behind, which includes you.

Questions To Dodge On A First Date

A first date is a time to get to know a person. Some men take it a step further and treat it like an interrogation. What needs to be happening on a first date ( or in the early chatting period) is talking about surface-level topics ( movies, music, funny stories) and feeling out the vibe. Sometimes, a question is asked that completely derails the rest of the date. Keep in mind you do not have to answer a question just because he asked. Worse case is it opens you up to blab and complain the whole time….

“How many guys have you slept with?”…..

Whew! What a question. You never look good even if the number is pretty low. He is probably asking to see if you are easy and how hard he has to work. Never give out an actual number. You can just say: “When I am committed, then I will sleep with someone.” This tells him you aren’t interested in being a hook-up.

“Why did you and your ex break up?”…..

You might go on and on and start venting about how terrible he was. Or the opposite, where you miss him so much and was devastated when he dumped you. Be vague and answer: “We just weren’t the right fit.”

“How long have you been single?”…..

If it’s too short, it’s bad; if it’s too long, it’s bad. Saying a year makes you sound like you are over the last relationship and ready to date again. That’s really all he is asking anyway. You can fib a little and take control of your own narrative.

“How’s the apps?”…..

Red flag! Some men are clueless and just bring it up for no reason. Others bring it up because he sees you as another swipe. Downplay how much you use it: “Oh, my friend set it up for me a month ago. I am just seeing what all the hype is about.” He will be relieved he isn’t competing with other guys (even though he is). Again… he is sniffing out the competition and how hard he has to work.

“What are you looking for?”….

He is looking for a casual hook-up. He wants you to say casual so you verbally agree this date will be meaningless. Play naive and say: “I am really new to this; I just want to meet new people and see where it goes.” See his reaction or what he says after. He saying he wants casual means he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.

Bottom Line…..

Most questions are mining you for information and reading between the lines. There is a reason he is asking these particular questions. He wants to know: ( How much competition there is; is there an ex lingering around; do you want casual or a relationship). You might feel he is asking you to really open up. He isn’t. You can give a straight forward quick answer as long as your tone is pleasant. Move on from these questions as soon as possible. Get back on track to talking about surface-level topics. If he wants more information, then he can ask you out on other dates.

Bumble Part 2: Don’t Bee A Busy Bee

When using Bumble, the main pitfall is being only in masculine energy. It can be a snowball effect where you say hi, ask him out, become the social dictator, then get dumped for the mysterious girl. There have been changes to the app to help conversations from running dry. “The question game” helps with writers block and gets the wheels turning. How can we get dates from Bumble and stop ourselves from doing the heavy lifting?……

Sorting matches…..

There is a pre-step to the first message and it’s the second glance. The nice thing about Bumble is if you swipe too fast, you get a second peak. Make sure they actually live in your city (not just travel mode). Read though the profile twice and see if there are any red flags you missed.

The first message….

Don’t spend your whole evening in a coffee shop crafting the perfect message. If you connect with something in the profile or the prompts, then jackpot! If you do not connect on anything, then send him a GIF. Don’t go vulgar, but don’t go too friendly either. We all have gotten the cat-waving GIF. Search for a GIF with a feminine character you like and see if there is a waving one. Keep the reference current, unless it’s a well known classic character. If he thinks you are cute and wanting to chat anyway, he will pick up the conversation.

Wait….

See if he responds. Usually he will send a GIF back or a waving emoji. Treat it like a real life situation at a party. Go off his energy and let him lead. Sometimes a guy just wants to say hello back and that is all.

What should the conversation be about?…..Clever banter is the goal, but as long as there are questions and story- telling, then you are on the right track. Feel out the vibe and see if he wants to get to know you. Beware of sexual comments, or asking to exchange pics on Snapchat.

The question game….

The pre-made questions used to be only for the opening line. Now, at any point you can play “the question game.” The best part is that any party can initiate the game. It is nice to spice up a stale conversation or to jump topics. It is an extra tool in your belt in case you have brain freeze mid-conversation.

The 48-hour rule….

This is my rule with any app. In 48 hours he should at least suggest a date or work up to asking. Sure, some guys will take a week to get there, but they are not seeing your value. Not being concerned if someone else asked you out for the weekend, or if you will randomly unmatch him is a problem. There is a misconception that girls ask the guys out since it’s Bumble….No. Sure, you say hello, but beyond that you should not be doing all the work.

Bottom Line….

Still put your best foot forward with Bumble. Make sure your photos are classy and the prompts are normal. The big thing is to not to create a dynamic where he is the one receiving rather than pursuing when it should be the other way around. You should only be saying hi or ideally, asking a leading question. Make sure your profile helps men out with your prompts and photos. Have information he can grab onto and ask about. Stick to the 48-hour rule; it can save you some time. He needs to be thinking in a sales-minded, “this offer ends soon! Act now!” Don’t bee a busy bee, bee the queen bee!