Practical Magic: How To Keep A Door Cracked

A lot of my strings have be snipped for me within a week. Two people, whom I was seeing, had to move, one for a job and one for school. In an instant, you are back to being strangers and having to pretend everything is cool. It’s all about the lessons and experience, right? The micro- casual breakups are tricky because you have to set firm boundaries for yourself. With the world of social media, your ex-lover can orbit you for the next century. Is it best to be practical in such casual relationships or should we leave the door cracked?……

Do some housecleaning first…..

When you are fresh off a separation, you don’t want a daily reminder he didn’t chose you. Mute, delete, hide from your story. You know the drill. It is important to not let him orbit you out of boredom. If he truly wants to “keep in touch,” then let him send a DM.

Life is short and life is long…..

The paradox of dating is that timing usually matters. There are situations where you have a “meet cute” then five years later you reconnect and start dating. It can be dangerous when you are holding your breath for that type of outcome. If you can stomach it, then leave a little form of communication open, and forget about it. It is mainly a case of “if he wanted to he would have” with a clause of “bad timing.”

Always be moving forward….

“Onto the next” has been my dating (and “The Rules” mantra) for a while. You can tire yourself out on the “why’s” and the “what if’s.” Trust in the universe that something better is already on its way. Your stagnant energy and looking back will only attract that stale vibe.

Men work hard for the women they want…..

In my life, I have seen my friends’ boyfriends move across the country and even to an entirely new country for them. When a man is serious, he is willing to do things like that. If he isn’t that into you, he will say “it’s not practical,” “don’t move for me,” “I need to put my career first.”

In a casual relationship he will never put you as a priority….

You cannot expect to get your situationship to make you his priority. Even if you have been seeing each other for years. Time in casual means absolutely nothing to him. Remember the “ten-year guy”? When a casual breakup happens, kiss it goodbye and do not look back.

Bottom Line…..

All breakups can be hard. It is an adjustment in your schedule and maybe you did dream about one day being chosen. It is wiser to be practical in casual situations. You can tell how a man really feels when life gets in the way. He might have to move for a job, school, or family. A man who doesn’t want to lose you knows that if he backs out, he is risking you moving on and never being with him again. In any casual arrangement, you already knew that from the beginning and now the meter has run out. Don’t put money in a broken meter. Create boundaries for yourself and do not allow him to distract you from your healing.

Beige Flags: Be A River Not A Lake

I just heard of the term “beige flags,” which, in short, is not an obvious red flag or a green flag. It is the little human quirks that can grate on us all the time. These quirks could rust out the relationship. We have to understand that we can be annoying and get repetitive when we spend more and more time together. Are beige flags preventable? How can we not be the “ball and chain” in a relationship?…..

Don’t rush a relationship….

Biologically, women want to race to the finish line to feel secure and settled. When you don’t take a beat you are not allowing yourself to be in the courting phase which is arguably the best part of the relationship.

Have your own hobbies…..

I remember in high school I had a friend who worked at the mall in a shoe store. When he got a girlfriend, she would literally sit in a chair throughout his entire shift. Whether it was trust issues or not having a life, it was alarming. It felt like she was a parole officer. It is best to have your own interests and hobbies that you can do separately from each other.

Don’t abandon your friends….

In a new relationship, it’s normal to block out the world and spend every moment together. I have been on the other side as the friend, where you are completely abandoned and left in the cold. It is hard to come back to the friendship once your friends have adjusted and moved on.

Resist moving in or staying over all the time….

When you play house all the time it’s harder to get an actual commitment. Once it goes belly up, you have invested too much and will feel too scared to start over. When you live with the wrong person or out of convenience, it will ruin you for the next healthy relationship.

Be a river not a lake….

You should always be learning and growing. Conversations feel stagnate when no new information is coming in. Couples get to a boring place when nothing new or exciting is happening. It is important to still date and experience new things together.

Have a shared interest…..

It could as simple as hiking. It is important to get off the couch and to do an activity together. You need to get in the fresh air and bond. Watching a tv show together is a bonus but should not be the only thing going on.

Bottom Line…..

Every relationship can plateau into something mundane. Most expects encourage “date nights” and to live your own life. Some couples are extremely close depending on attachment styles. The avoidant attachment is more likely to notice the “beige flags” and the “ick” because it is an exit strategy. One minor thing can turn a benign beige flag into a red flag. Humans crave novelty and although comfort and security can be wonderful, there needs to be a little spice added. Having your own life, friends, dreams is going to let you bring those fruitful conversations to the table. Be a river, not a lake.

How To Not Get Attached To Your FWB

I have spoke on this before, but it bears repeating. When you get “lost in the sauce” in casual and thinking it can go the distance, you need a reality check . In these types of dynamics there are heavy limitations that can disappoint you when you haven’t checked your expectations. I encourage a bulletproof plan to prevent a feeling of “has he checked my stories? Why does he dodge meeting my friends?” Men are masters at compartmentalizing a relationship. Women tend to fall in love though the intimacy and closeness. How can the women who are prone to getting attached safeguard against this from the start?…..

No social media….

A phone number is perfectly fine to have. Once you get into the social media world you will be checking if he watched your story. Worse is when you are catering your stories so he will send you a message or reaction. It’s best for early dating as well to not be preoccupied with his lack of urgency to see what you are up to. More than likely his orbiting is boredom or he watches everyone’s story.

Be in the present moment….

You can’t enjoy the moment when you are worrying about the future. You might have a wonderful time together, but then you go home and give yourself a migraine worrying about it. Treat it like a fine dining experience or a concert. Live for the experience, then go home and go about your day.

Try to avoid sending memes or chatting while you are apart….

If he wants to chat, then that’s great….but avoid sending him silly memes or checking in on him. (Another reason to avoid social media). It’s too tempting to think he will enjoy something and then you are left on “seen” for 48 hours. Don’t put yourself though that.

Be prepared for it to end…..

Not trying to be doom and gloom, however, be realistic. He is probably dating other people and you are just a filler for him. Sure, he might really love spending time with you, but there is probably a reason he hasn’t made the leap to relationship.

Be fun in the moment….

Don’t be salty or sour when you are together. Enjoy yourself and make the situation more fun and memorable. Turn on the music, get some drinks, play games.

Never invite him anywhere outside the bedroom…..

You will see him squirm in his seat and give a vague maybe. Just don’t bother asking him. It will just make you feel bad to be rejected. Same thing with trying to trick him into introducing him to your friends. Worst case, if he does decide to go out with you, he will take the opportunity to hit on other girls in front of you. Or he might disappear and leave you in the dust.

If you have already broken the rules….

It’s never a bad idea to pull way back. No harm in letting go energetically and stop messaging. Who knows, it might pique his interest more. Most important is to not cut off your resources. Get back on the apps and continue to be open to talking to new men. As far as social media, you can block individual people from watching your stories. Just go into privacy settings and go to stories. It will ease your mind of waiting for him to watch a story. It will also prevent you from curating your stories for his amusement. There is no need to block or restrict him; you can mute him on everything if he posts a lot. Another tip is to take the notification off for seeing people who are online. Once you see his pic with the green button it will be too tempting to send him a message since he is online. Play around with the privacy settings and see what works best for you.

Bottom Line…..

This is a friendly reminder to stop what you are doing. In casual this is the biggest pitfall and causes the most agony in dating. It’s the reason why casual relationships do not last and people catch feelings. The sad thing is you can develop a fulfilling easy breezy dynamic that can be a relaxing getaway for yourself. Yet, as women, we tend to ruin it by creating a mountain out of a molehill. If you are relating to any of this and feel too deep, you can always step back. Go back to the drawing board and get the expectations right. Sure, you might have a wonderful and even romantic time together. Yet, if he never wants to see you in public or plans any dates? It’s just not the romantic love story you think it is. Be like a man and compartmentalize the relationship for YOUR benefit, not his.

“Feral Girl Summer”: How To Be Unbothered

There is a lot of buzz about “Feral Girl Summer,” which has become a trend that essentially means doing your own thing without worrying what society thinks. The Urban Dictionary definition states: “Feral Girl Summer is about ditching the pricey workout wear and not worrying when you last shaved your legs. The feral girl is too busy ‘wreaking havoc’ for that – she’s out drinking, dancing on tables, saying embarrassing things to guys, and subsisting on a diet of toast and takeaways because she’s too busy having fun to cook.” The freedom of throwing on some shorts and an oversized tee shirt sans makeup and chowing down on tacos with your girlfriends is unmatched. I do preach looking presentable in public and trying to look pulled together, although if you are in a phase where you are just wanting to enjoy your time with friends, it can be liberating to not have to look perfect 24/7. How can you enjoy a feral girl summer and what mindset should you be in?…..

Dress up when you want to only….

I remember a few years back the singer Alicia Keys hit a wall with wearing makeup. She was tired of the two hours in the glam chair before shoots and events. So, she simply stated she isn’t going to be forced to wear makeup. There is immense pressure to look dolled up even just going to a grocery store. It should be your choice and time and place to look pretty.

Will you become invisible?….

Yes. Once you dress down and just show up unbothered you will experience the power of invisibility. This can be peaceful if you are just trying to go about your day. It will feel more meaningful when you dress up for going out to the bars.

Summer is the time for no agenda…..

You will probably be traveling more and having more free time. It is a good idea to not put pressure on other people. It is the opposite of cuffing season. This is the time to build up your social circle.

Take a dating app pause…..

It is much better to take an intentional dating app break and push yourself to meet people in person. Say yes to travel and local events in your town. Or just go out solo to a concert or karaoke and let people come up and chat with you.

Be bold and wild…..

I talk about the vacation mindset. It is a state of being when you need to seize the day and do extra. Not saying you should shoot your shot with every guy, but be a little more flirty. You can do it in a mild way and compliment the bartender or barista. Have more of a saucy vibe about yourself and not get caught up in if he likes you back or not.

Bottom Line…..

“Feral Girl Summer” is a rebellious attitude and puts your needs first. As women, we are pressured to look like we are about to go to the Oscars for even a quick errand. Not saying that you should not try to look polished, but save it for a time where you feel like getting noticed. Focus your attention on friendships, travel, and yourself. It can be a perfect time to meet people in person and give a lasting impression. The apps should be paused and not used as validation or a crutch. Most important, is not to stress over little dating dramas. If he wants to be with you, let him do the work and have an unbothered attitude.

How To Host A Summer Singles Mixer

For anyone still in college this is a no brainer. There are mixers and get-togethers every weekend. It gets trickier when you no longer have a strong network. I put on a Valentine’s Day singles mixer in my town. I felt it took a lot of planning with a mildly successful result. Like any endeavor, it was a learning experience. For anyone with a large group of friends who hosts on a regular basis, help your single pals out! Summer is a perfect time to get people together and mingling. What are some tips for a successful homemade mixer?…..

Don’t bother with a venue…..

If you have a great connection with a bar who will help you out for free, then go for it. The main pitfall I wasted time on was waiting to be answered on an email. Guess what, no one replied. I had to finagle a day with a limited amount of time. So just save yourself a headache and ask a friend with a great house to host.

Send out a flyer invite….

You can create a flyer and do a private story in Instagram for friends. The best case is word of mouth through a social and well-connected friend. They can ask their friends to bring a friend or two and so on.

Bonus points if there is an apartment pool…..

For summer, there needs to be incentive to come out. A nice pool-day casual cook-out is hard to turn down.

The Solo Cups….

This is a great and simple way to let people know who is available. Pick different color solo cups to mean different things. Red could mean “relationship,” green could be “single.” And it can be that simple if you want it. They can also write their name with a sharpie on the cup.

Have a great playlist or live music….

Ask your music friend to DJ. Or just pick a great mix on Spotify. In the past, my friend, who hosts parties, made sure for noise ordinance that everything had to be acoustic live music. This gave a cozy intimate vibe for the party.

As the host, do a few introductions…..

Get in the habit of saying, “have you met…..” Make the rounds and get people chatting.

Have food, but don’t overthink it…..

Unless this is a cookout with the obvious stuff to grill, then don’t think too hard. Most people aren’t wanting to walk around with a tiny paper plate. Spend more on the drinks and then maybe provide little bite-sized things they can just pick up and eat. (Have vegan options just in case).

Get the people involved…..

When things are feeling great and people are mingling, you might not have to do anything. As a backup, have a game people can play. I created my own “F*ck, marry, Kill”, “never have I ever” cards. I made them in the program Canva and printed them out with a card stock. It’s fun to make up your own. You can also purchase a similar “never have I ever” card game. Or with just a deck of cards you can play the drinking game “circle of death.” Just be flexible and do not force a game on people who are already enjoying themselves. If possible set up a beer pong table in the back yard or porch for people.

Bottom Line…..

As a single person it is a relief to do an event that is fun and does not involve the apps. In the summer it is a no brainer to have get-togethers, especially when there is a pool involved. A good host has a great location to host and can do some good introductions. People are hungry to meet new people and to have a good time. Don’t put so much emphasis on things that matter very little. Who knows, this could become a regular thing that people look forward to.

Lost In Translation: How Men Can Navigate Dating As A Transplant

Want to make dating more confusing and challenging? Do it while not fully knowing the language or customs. Anyone will feel like a fish out of water when they move to a brand new country. Most people want to fit in and be accepted and not stick out in a bad way. (This can also apply to newly single men who were in a decade-long marriage pre-apps). Here are some tips to navigate the apps and dating. More importantly, to not get swiped aside based on minor mistakes…..

Learn the abbreviations….

With the apps, there is a lot of shorthand for basic words. You don’t want to make texting feel too formal. It can make you come across as serious and not fun. Not saying every word should be an abbreviation. It is best to pepper in an “LOL” or a “LMK” here and there. There are always going to be new slang words. You don’t want to sound like you are trying too hard using Gen Z lingo as a 30-plus year old. It’s ok to say the word “cool” to describe something.

Emojis….

Emojis can be seen as a feminine way to communicate. However, when you aren’t sure how your tone is coming off, a “blushing face emoji” can get you out of hot water. Try not to overdo it, but a “laughing face emoji” is fine to use as a reaction on an instagram story or a “fire emoji” for when she is giving a thirst trap.

Understand what “TTYL” means…..

Most texting does not have a beginning, middle, and end. When someone tells you “TTYL” aka “talk to you later,” respect their wishes. It is a polite way to tell you they cannot chat or are busy. When you continue to text it will annoy them.

Don’t be scared to ask questions…..

Your date should not judge you for not knowing certain things, as long as the tone is not making fun or saying something is stupid. I have come across non-Americans who have had an elitist attitude. It can make your date feel uncomfortable if you are complaining about the food, news, or pop culture. Be open to ask clarifying questions; she should feel happy to answer and teach you something.

Be open to trying new food….

Unless it is against your religion, be open to eating food you aren’t used to. You don’t have to eat only fast food, but on a dinner date be open to explore a restaurant.

Go with the flow….

You sort of have to get a feel for the rhythm of where you have moved to. Every city,,, no matter where you are, has its own pace and clock. When I visited Barcelona, it felt very vibrant and young. They would eat dinner at 10pm and have more of a party attitude. Some cities are fast paced and bustling and some are very slowed down and chill.

Learn what a typical weekend is like…..

You might be in a city where they wake up at 7am and hike. In contrast you could be in a city where everyone goes bar-hopping. It might make you feel better when you can blend in a little and be a part of the group.

Bottom Line…..

I have dated and chatted with many transplants. The majority of women find an accent sexy and mysterious. It can be to your advantage to stand out a little. The problem I see the most is communication through texting. When your tone is hard to decipher, it tends to come off as more serious than it actually is. Really nailing good banter in the apps is a challenge for anyone. All women want is a connection and slight fantasy to daydream about. You should try to blend in, but be open to communicating about the differences without complaining. Be true to your religion and don’t totally fold to fit in (diet or alcohol). It is ok to keep the important stuff, but be open to trying new things.

How To Have A “Vacation Mindset” In Your Own City

Summer is approaching and soon everyone will be on vacation. It got me thinking about how people act on a trip versus their day-to-day life. I see celebrities or just friends of mine posting stories on Instagram and everything looks shinier and special. You are more intentional when you travel; you know it will end soon so you try to cram all the fun and knowledge into the experience. What if you could do that in your own city?

Shop local…..

If you are a shopping at Walmart and then grabbing dinner at a drive-through, you need to rethink your life. I am sure there are wonderful local businesses and restaurants you could be going to. It helps out your local economy and it is better quality.

There are probably events in your city…..

Sometimes it can get overwhelming to go to every event on the local calendar. You have a mindset of, “oh well, I will catch it next time.” Then you stick to your same routine of staying in and watching Netflix. Try your best to be open to going to events and talking to new people. It doesn’t have to be daily; you can do it once a week.

Art shows….

Most cities have art openings at local galleries. You will feel cultured sipping on wine and browsing the artwork in a quiet environment. You can also go to a local indie cinema and watch a film.

Local bakery…..

I see all the time that when people go to Europe they have a chocolate croissant and a coffee. Why not do that locally? Take a morning to grab a bite and coffee and then go on a nice walk after.

Have quick hangouts with friends…..

Most people say as adults they never see friends anymore. Why not incorporate grabbing a coffee with friends before you do errands. Even a 45-minute hang is more fulfilling than being too tired to see anyone at the end of the week.

Changing up your routine will help you meet new people….

The point in switching up your schedule and lifestyle is to get in a new vibration and welcome new types of people and new experiences. It will put you into a more open mindset for change.

You are more free on vacation….

When I am traveling I always think, “I will never see these people again.” So, I have more of a live-in-the-moment sort of energy. Not saying you should embarrass yourself, but you should be more open to chatting with a stranger or getting up and singing karaoke.

You don’t have to exchange numbers…..

While on a trip you would find it silly to exchange contact info. You enjoy the experience for what it is and keep that memory. Not saying you shouldn’t be trying to connect with people in your town. However, not every interaction you have needs to be repeated. It is good to be in the present moment and not worry about the future.

Bottom Line…..

Live everyday like you are on vacation. It can really be your choice and your mindset. While we are traveling we have a totally different attitude and agenda of how we spend our days. Every city has local bakeries, restaurants, bars, and grocery stores. We can get in a loop of only spending our time in stressful stores and cheap fast food. An outing can be a simple walk with a freshly brewed coffee or tea. When you open yourself to a more relaxed state of mind, you are welcoming that vibe with different types of people. Practice being braver in public and allow yourself to experience joy and living in the present moment.

Rewarding Good Behavior in the Courting Phase

Positive reinforcement is a better tactic with any person, rather than negative. Yes, boundaries and limits are needed. You should be stating what you are not ok with. However, as far as everything else, you need to lead with positivity. Praise always resonates more than scolding. How can you reward good behavior in early dating?….

Men always complain about “nagging”…..

Nagging is correlated to a fussy teacher or parent. It isn’t sexy to be called a nag. Even if you feel you are being reasonable and you should express your distain, it will fall on deaf ears.

Positive reinforcement is feminine…..

When you use phrases like, “ l love it when….” or add in compliments, it makes any person want to repeat the behavior and please you. It is the feminine and relaxed way to get what you want versus being forceful and punishing.

Men rarely get compliments…..

It is expected that he do his job and he probably hasn’t gotten a compliment since grade school. You should express your gratitude if he spends his hard-earned money on you. A “I’m proud of you” goes a long way.

Men who take you on dates versus chatting….

Avoid a penpal by not entertaining it. In 48 hours there should be a date suggestion. Anything beyond that is he being bored at work. Do not reward a man who doesn’t even want to meet you; your time is valuable.

Be gracious….

Don’t expect a guy to pay. If he does pay, he thought you were worth the investment. A sweet thank you and expressing gratitude will encourage him to treat you.

Don’t make him feel like he is a loser…..

When you brag and boast it will make him feel worthless. There is no need to brag about how much money you make or how educated you are. Focus on the reason why you are dating him, not his shortcomings. It will not motivate him to get a better job or go back to school. Never date potential.

Bottom Line…..

A thank you and a compliment goes further than you would expect. Most men simply want their efforts to be appreciated. The more you use positive reinforcement the more it teaches him to continue that behavior. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar as the saying goes. No one wants to be scolded or to be punished. He will associate you in a parent or teacher role which is not sexy or desirable. It is more feminine to praise the positive and gives you a gentle energy. Lastly, you will not motivate him to change by bragging about your own accomplishments or comparing him to ex-boyfriends, etc. You can only inspire and put energy towards the positive, rather than the negative.

Why You Need To Let Go Of The “Why”

Women who have been rejected or ghosted always want the reason. They will frame it as closure and maybe a tool to help not make the same mistake next time. However, with women dating men it can come down to a very simple lack of attraction. You can come up with a million excuses, but to men, attraction is the only driving force they have. The best practice in general no matter the reason is to not waste time worrying about it. You can waste months analyzing the text threads and your outfit choices. Let it go….how can you give your brain a rest and chalk the rejection up to lack of a spark?….

You waste time….

It can be disheartening to be rejected or be ignored. You have to understand it is out of your control. It could be he likes brunettes and you are a blonde. Or he was disappointed that you didn’t look like your pics in your app profile. Anything other than him doting on you (buying you drinks, asking you questions, making sure you got home safe) means he wasn’t interested.

Why app dating will be brutal….

It is so hard to capture an in – person vibe and appearance. Sure, you can do a video etc. but your voice, mannerisms, and your smile are completely different from a 2D picture. You will get more rejections from dating apps or set ups.

“He ghosted out of nowhere!”….

More than likely he met someone he liked better. Men are hunters and will not stop until they find the prize. He probably was keeping you around until he met someone he preferred more.

“Was it something I said?”….

I feel you are allowed one mistake in the beginning stages. You might have gotten too tipsy and chatty, or you said something cringeworthy. He will let it go if he thinks you are worth it. When he didn’t like you that much in the first place, he can place blame on your actions.

Everyone is dating everyone….

Most ghosting and fading is mainly a volume issue. Distance, not aligning, and lack of a spark won’t make the cut. Not to say you are a terrible person or ugly etc. It comes down to timing and having the right fit for them.

Expect VIP treatment….

Going back to how he treats you on dates. Some men will be fine with spending an evening with you. However, he will not offer to buy you any drinks or insists you split the bill at a restaurant. Men show they are invested though money. Keep in mind a good investment to him might be spending $500 at a strip club. And yet $40 on you is out of the question. Don’t waste time on low-effort dates; he is more than willing to spoil the right woman.

Bottom Line….

A “why” can make anyone spiral. It can hurt to just chalk it up to lack of attraction on his end. Men are pretty simple, visual creatures. All people have a type, but it is important to either delete the apps or be honest about how you are presenting yourself. You will get confused on why he asked you out and didn’t treat you well on the date. It comes down to the physical for men and it is their driving force, versus women who want a great personality first and his lifestyle. Get your face out there in person more and let men approach you. You will know for sure that they see you and find you pretty to them. It can ease your mind.

The Magic Of The Introduction

We all know about a “setup,” but what if a setup was live in-person? Introductions used to be more common in the polite society of the past. It would be seen as rude when you were not introduced to a new person. I want to suggest the planned introduction, which can be used to your advantage to create your own “spontaneity.” It is in the same vein as “dropping the hanky” technique. How can you orchestrate an introduction?….

Be more social in general….

You need to get comfortable being social and work on small talk. You cannot expect other people to do the heavy lifting for you. Don’t discuss the tragedies in the world and stick to light topics. The introduction will be a lost cause if you lose the person after saying hello.

Expand your social circle….

Your 2nd- and 3rd-tier friends are the key to expanding your network. Close friends are great, but it is more high risk for you and them. No one wants to cause a riff in their social circle.

An introduction should be fairly breezy and can only be executed once….

Getting introduced multiple times to the same person is madness. Only pull the trigger when you are truly ready. When you have your eye on someone and you know a mutual friend, then plan accordingly.

To him it can be seen as spontaneous….

The introduction is great because it is not you doing the introduction. There is some innocence to it and it might seem like it came out of nowhere. In the show “How I Met Your Mother,” Barney would make casual introductions left and right to get the ball rolling.

The introduction can be seen as a “meet cute”….

Any meeting other than a bar and an app is seen as romantic. An introduction, compared to a setup, takes three seconds in person, yet can make a huge impact if it goes well.

Bottom Line….

There is back-end planning for a solid introduction. It can be disappointing if you really took the time to orchestrate everything and it falls flat. It is better to have a policy with friends to introduce you to people at a house party or get- together. To them, it shouldn’t be seen as a big favor, compared to a full-blown setup. You need to do the pre-work of getting your surface level topics in check. The good news is right away you will know his interest level. His continuing the conversation and asking for your number is a great start.