Are You In Love With The Chase?

The chase is when a match is just out of reach, yet still attainable. It adds value and makes finally going out with him feel like it’s worth it. Men who don’t give us the time of day are seen as more of a challenge then a red flag. Love expert Michael Hussey says, “ If someone is not showing you they want you, stop chasing that person.” If you are the type to have an addictive personality, you are more likely to fall for the chase.

Are you trying to win him over?…..

Were you only noticed when your report card was perfect and you won the basketball game? Certain caregivers early on set the tone for proving our self-worth. This results in over-pleasing for strangers and perfectionism.

Do you love drama?…..

The highs and lows are exciting and can be seen as a passionate relationship. Some of us thrive on conflict and love that he is hot and cold. The show “Sex and the City” captures this type of dynamic with the Carrie-and-Big situation. When she had a stable commitment from Aidan, it wasn’t exciting enough. The stability was seen as boring and not passionate.

Are you a control freak?…..

Some fear the relationship actually working out. It’s easier to set it on fire and keep the dynamic on your terms. Rejection can be more of a relief than the unknown.

Are you a “try hard”?…..

The only thing that a women needs to do in dating is to be charming, look good, and show up. There is a wave of females who have been called, “pick-me-chicks.” The behavior attracts lazy men who want everything easy. She is seen on Instagram making her unlabeled situationship gourmet meals while he is playing video games. These women are also codependent and put others’ needs ahead of theirs in general.

Are you afraid to receive?…..

Ironically, leaning in and being a go-getter doesn’t serve you in the dating world. Practice receiving and just say thank you. You really have to be more passive and do less than you are doing. Being the social director, or trying to fix his life will not impress him long-term. More than likely, he will take the free lunch, then use his spare change to impress the next girl.

Bottom Line……

Some of us can get caught up in the chase because of our childhood. We might be repeating patterns that we used to gain our caregivers’ affection. The best thing you can do is to take a step back. Are you trying to sabotage yourself and wanting him to reject you? When you are giving 80 percent he can only give you 20 percent back. The man who enjoys being pampered is taking advantage of the situation and will drop you the second he finds someone he is actually interested in.

Ending The “Three-Monther” With A FWB

Timelines and milestones are important in any type of relationship. In casual dating there are no anniversary dinners. Yet, three months is a big mile marker for any budding relationship. It’s the first check in to see where things are at. In a friends-with-benefits (FWB) situation it needs to be clicking and both parties happy. Having a safety net relationship should be helping you to meet your match. How do you know when your casual situationship has run its course?….

How did the relationship start?…..

A placeholder relationship can be beneficial unless it doesn’t have the respect. No matter the relationship dynamic, everyone wants to feel chosen and special. The ideal friends-with- benefits dynamic is a lot of chemistry, but is misaligned with future goals and timing. At your core, you should be friends and like spending time together. When a relationship starts out with him not valuing you, it’s hard to brush it off and move forward.

He constantly talks about other women…..

There should be an unspoken rule about what happens outside your relationship stays there. Some people are totally fine with this, but even the most emotionally mature feel the sting when he exclaims he spent $200 on a fancy dinner date while he insists on going dutch with you.

You barely see each other…..

No, there shouldn’t be a set schedule, but seeing each other every six months isn’t fulfilling his duties. Either keep him around as a back-up, or cut him loose. You should see each other fairly often or else there is no benefit to it.

You get left in the dust when you go out together…..

He is supposed to be your escort and you invited him so you had someone to talk to. You end up spending the night texting him asking where he is and you discover he is chatting up random girls. Worse case, he expects you to be his wing lady.

You feel icky when you leave his apartment…..

Trust your gut with this. Feeling shameful or guilty is something to pay attention to. A FWB should feel like a friend that you have fun with. You shouldn’t be hit with a wave of regret every time you get back in your car to leave.

You’re catching feelings…..

It’s not going to work! A guy who decides it is casual isn’t in the mindset of seeing you as a girlfriend. Are there exceptions? Sure. However, if he didn’t see your value from date one, then why do you expect him to see it month three?

Bottom Line…..

Dragging out a thing that isn’t working and making you frustrated needs to go. An ideal friends- with- benefits is at its core your friend, and someone who doesn’t cross your mind that much. He is a backup for dry periods and a fun time when you go out together. Most men screw this type of relationship by over-communicating his every thought. Everyone wants to feel special and don’t need to be reminded that they are the placeholder. Three months is a good time to reflect and see if everything is clicking for both parties.

The Jam Experiment

“The Jam Experiment” is about the paradox of choice. It was an analogy of consumers having too many choices, therefore not making ANY choices. Picture a whole floor-to-ceiling shelf of jam. You would be so overwhelmed by the number of choices that you would be unable to pick one. Having only three or four variety of jams, you would be able to purchase one; the same works for dating. In the app-culture we live in now it’s overwhelming to pick one person to date, making us unable to commit. This is a case where you are ready to settle on one guy. If you want abundance, then the app-world will certainly give it to you. In the pursuit of wanting commitment there can be a lot of extra visual and mental clutter that needs a good spring cleaning….

Are the apps helpful or hurtful?…..

It is nice to cast a wider net and meet men you would normally never meet. Plus, it’s easier to date men from other religious and cultural and financial backgrounds. You no longer are stuck in your own social circle. However, it creates the illusion of endless choice and options. For the casual dater that is an advantage. It’s good to have the attitude of “onto the next.” If you are wanting something more serious, then obviously having too many options is a problem. It’s best to use apps less and go through friends or meeting men in person at events, etc.

How many apps are too many?…..

Having too many dating apps on your phone can get complicated. Try out the ones that you find the most helpful and that give you the most forward motion. It really depends on the area you live in. One app may have more options than others. It’s too hard to keep conversations going with six different apps.

Should you edit your matches?…..

Keeping matches organized can be a good idea, but not necessary. It might be a good idea to cut the fat, so to speak, and only keep around the matches that want to meet up. Eliminating visual clutter can make the apps less overwhelming and prevent dating burnout.

How many dates should you go on?……

Once a week should be your max. This way you still have time to focus on your friends and work. Dating is a numbers game to a certain extent, but that doesn’t have to mean going out with a new guy every night.

Should you vet the guy more before meeting in person?…..

Yes. It’s not worth agreeing to go out with a guy that you know won’t work out. You need to keep some deal breakers in mind ( he just got out of a breakup, lives far away, is only looking for casual when you want something serious, etc). This will prevent you from having a pointless date.

Quality over quantity……

Make an effort to meet men off the apps. The best is through friends or extracurricular activities. Join an improv group or a soccer league. You might be surprised who you connect with. It will be a slower process, but it’s worth it to meet better men. Write down a list of green flags you are looking for. Challenge yourself to think in terms of his morals and lifestyle, not just physical appearance.

Bottom Line……

Too many choices result in zero choices. We are all susceptible to analysis paralysis. Going on endless dates can cause dating burnout where you are just in an endless first-date loop. For “law of attraction” purposes it might be a good idea to write down the qualities you want out of a guy. This way it’s in your brain and you will be able to recognize it when it’s in front of you. Keep only one to two apps on your phone. This cuts down the clutter and flurry of pointless messages. Only continue to talk to men who want to meet you. Make a point to network with more people in public. We live in a time where face-to-face communication is discouraged. Learn how to be social again and stop staring at your phone the whole time you are out.

Negging and Sarcasm

“I was just joking”…. How many times have you heard that? It comes up a lot in a dating situation that is unbalanced. Many women accept the ball-busting because they want to seem like “one of the guys.” Yet, it communicates to him that you have zero boundaries and more than likely you are in a weird, casual, confusing “situationship.” He would NEVER be disrespectful to a woman he is actually into.

What exactly is “negging”…..

There was a show in the early 2000s called, “The Pickup Artist.” It taught beta males how to pick up women. What came out of it, unfortunately, is a term called, “negging.” This is when a man tears you down, then builds you back up. They will make you insecure and then throw in a compliment. Some men fail to do the build-you-up aspect of the tactic. Basically, there are a lot of guys just straight up insulting women. For example, they might say, “I didn’t realize that your shirt was still in style.” It’s a slick put down that makes you feel insecure.

What are some examples of “jokes”…..

Every comedian knows that jokes are truths and then lies. The main thing to focus on is the truth to his “joke.” It is the safest way to bring up a topic because he can immediately say, “No, no, I was kidding, chill out,” and then turn it on you that you don’t have a sense of humor. Some common examples are about your weight, your general appearance, or maybe even your intelligence. He might bring out the dumb-blond jokes when you are in fact brunette.

Would he really do it to his dream girl?….

Picture this…. Romeo sees Juliet across the room…. Do you really think he would take that opportunity to say she looks fat in her gown? Yea, didn’t think so. You have to think in the mindset of “would he treat his dream girl this way”?

“But he is just a sarcastic guy”…..

Yea…. he still shouldn’t be doing it to you. Sure, he might test out his tight five-minute comedy routine on you, but if you have expressed that it bugs you, he should never do it again. Another example is being performative around his buddies and make you the butt of the joke. It could stem from him being uncomfortable and wanting a way to downplay his relationship status.

How does he speak about you when you aren’t around?…..

I have noticed in interviews with celebrities and well-known comedians of how much they are into their partner. I understand that men cringe at the thought of being mushy. However, it is a red flag to hear a man speaking of his wife saying, “the old bag, my ball and chain, the boss.” Too many unflattering adjectives wrapped in a funny bow make you question how he really feels.

“I roast the ones I love”…..

Joking and ball-busting is usually reserved for friends. Making fun of you translates to him seeing you as more of a buddy than lover. Same thing with calling you masculine names such as “bro, dude, man.” He is stripping away your feminine qualities and throwing you in a friend bucket. Not to say he wouldn’t turn down hooking up. When it comes to presenting you as a couple in public he will dance around the title leaving you confused.

Bottom Line…..

Again, picture all the romantic movies and literature. Rarely does the protagonist make fun of his perfect woman. A man will not risk offending a girl he really is into. Pay close attention to his “jokes.” It could be a sign that he isn’t all in with the relationship. Usually, it is dipping his toe in and saying what he isn’t pleased with. There is so much truth in what he is essentially criticizing. It’s easy to backpedal and say it was all a joke. It could also be a tactic to keep you small and on your toes. This comes from a man who is highly insecure and needs the power balance to always be in his favor. Be wary of a guy who does it from the start.

Trauma Dumping

Just went on a recent app date where the first few sips of beer was him trauma dumping. It was as if a mirror was placed up to my face. Years ago, I treated every date as an intense dark one-woman show. To women, bonding = tell the person your trauma, then they can share theirs. With an app date you can’t trust a stranger with your deep dark secrets and insecurities. If he ghosts you, airing all your dirty laundry will make you cringe and feel raw…. How can you prevent yourself and him from sharing too much and not treat a date like a therapy session?……

What to do when he is trauma dumping…..

1.Steer the ship….

You don’t get permission to trauma dump if the conversation switches. Always bring it back to light material. You can literally get up and disrupt the flow by grabbing another drink or going to the restroom

2. Set up boundaries…..

Interrupt your date who keeps going into sad stories. You can flat out say in a nice way that you want to talk about fun stuff. He might not even realize he is doing it.

3. Leave the date if he can’t snap out of it…..

You can try to change the subject all day, but he might keep shifting it back around. When this is happening you have to get up and leave. Do a graceful and kind exit, but don’t get buried by his bad mood

What to do when you are trauma dumping….

1. Pre-date….

Can’t say it enough! You need to come into the date with the right mood and energy. Listen to that song, meditate, walk around the block, etc

2. Actually talk to your therapist…..

It’s interesting when people don’t utilize their therapist while in session. Then when two glasses of wine are in them….boom, trauma dump to a total stranger. You are paying your therapist for trauma dumping and working out issues.

3. Notice your patterns….

Going back to the two glasses of wine thing….is that when you start trauma dumping. Alcohol can be great in moderation to loosen you up, but bad when it takes you to a dark place. Notice what triggers you and stay away from it for a first date.

Bottom Line….

Both parties can encourage trauma dumping. A first date is not a safe space to tell all your insecurities or deepest fears. You are sitting across from a stranger who is not your paid therapist. You doing this every date needs to be examined. Get a therapist, or set up more frequent appointments. Long-term you will feel embarrassed and raw when you get ghosted. There needs to be trust in a person to share such personal information. When he cannot be steered by disrupting and changing subjects, you need to leave. Do not reward bad behavior by egging him on and acting like his therapist. Once you become his unpaid therapist, you will remain in this role for him until he works out his issues and finds someone else.

Picking a Friends With Benefits

There is an episode of the show “30 Rock” titled “Stride of Pride.” In the episode it breaks down the concept of the type of people you date and keep in your “dating triangle.” The show calls the “friends with benefits” (FWB) “the sex idiot,” implying you are going for looks, but no substance. To me, there is more to it than that. When you have found yourself in a casual phase, it’s best to know who would make a great partner. Yet, there should be a vetting process of who can fill that slot. Let’s check off those boxes…..

He is in a transitional stage or travels a lot…..

He is getting his masters or PhD and the last thing he wants is to commit. He plans on moving away once he graduates. Or he has a fairly demanding job where he might travel.

He likes you more than you like him…..

Your phone will blow up from him fairly often and you don’t have to sacrifice your schedule and plans to see him. He is willing to bend his schedule just to see you.

You are fine with never hanging in public…..

There might have been dates in the beginning. You probably tried it, but realized he was bad in public. I dated a guy who I felt I couldn’t take anywhere because of how bizarre he would act in restaurants, the way he ordered food, used expired coupons, and flagged down the hostess for water every five minutes. However, you can still have the occasional meet up to switch things up. The home base should be his place.

He has his own place in town…..

Convenience is key! Do not travel two hours in traffic to see him. It’s best for him to play host so you can leave whenever you feel like it. Panic cleaning your bathroom when he wants to swing by on a whim is not fun.

Make sure you are enjoying your stay…..

In my experience, when the relationship is bedroom buddies, make sure that bedroom is decked out. Stop putting up with air-mattress guy. Give yourself a reason to go over. He might live in a fun area, have a beautiful balcony, a well-crafted bar cart…. you get it.

Let’s break down who you shouldn’t pick…..

Anyone is the middle of a divorce or break up…..

He is filling a very large void. The worst thing is he will use you as a free therapist and talk constantly about her. It’s not fair to you to work overtime just for a hook up.

He is disrespectful….

He treating you as a purchase is unacceptable. There should be gentlemen qualities even in casual, with no pressure to have unsafe sex or any acts you don’t want to participate in.

You are obsessed with him…..

Your diary shouldn’t be full of entries about him. You aren’t scheming about ways to become his girlfriend.

He doesn’t communicate well…..

With certain casual dynamics there might be zero texts, then out of the blue you find out he got a girlfriend. There needs to be check ins and clear intentions with no surprises. Not saying you should have a gab fest daily, but at least know where you stand.

He is somehow connected in your life…..

No co-workers, friend of a friend, or your aunt’s second cousin’s neighbor. When you have a paper trail and outsiders, it will cause pressure. Weirdly, they might ruin it by convincing you to be boyfriend / girlfriend. Some dynamics and timing are fine to leave as they are.

Bottom Line…..

Picking the right FWB is important. The goal is to treat it like what it’s meant to be….casual. You don’t dream about finally being together; there isn’t this weight of emotions. He is your stable person in an unpredictable dating landscape. However, be prepared for sudden change when one of you gets into a relationship. Have respect for each other and be mindful of the other person’s health and emotions.

A Good Birthday Mindset

Have you ever been curious about how your friends and the guy you are seeing feel about you? Your birthday is that time (and other holidays), but mainly your birthday since it’s truly your day. As we get older our birthday pretty much becomes meaningless to others in general. You aren’t going to get party worthy of a Kardashian, but how should friends and guys you are seeing treat it?……

Friends need to acknowledge your birthday……

A text, a call, even a nice card is expected by a close long-distance friend. When your friend is living in town and chooses to do nothing….they aren’t your friend. Not saying it’s required that you be showered in gifts, but going out for a drink or two should be standard. When your zero-effort friend’s birthday rolls around, match her energy. The worst thing you can do is be the friend who doesn’t realize her friend is actually an acquaintance, and plans her an extravagant surprise party.

The guy you are dating……

Men show their true feelings on special occasions. When a man isn’t into you, he will come up with any excuse not to spend it with you. “I have to work,” “I have to study for finals,” “money is tight right now.” A man who is seriously into a girl will do everything in his power to make her day special.

Spend it with family……

Your family will be happy to buy a cake and give you a nice card. Family actually does care about your birthday!

Should you go on a first date?…..

I made the mistake of going on a back-to-back date a few birthdays ago. Not worth your time, trust me. It’s the same as a first date on Valentine’s; high risk with little reward. My dates had their own agenda of going out with me (it wasn’t to wish me a special day). On my end, I felt like I hired an actor to have fun with me.

What can you do for yourself?…..

It’s not pathetic to buy yourself flowers and a small cake. Make the day special for you, no matter how small. It’s best to not expect other people to follow though. Most of your friends have their own lives, stressful jobs, and truthfully, probably didn’t write down your birthday date in their calendar. Although, I encourage you to do a story about your birthday in Instagram. It’s a friendly reminder to have people wish you happy birthday.

Be grateful for what you have…..

Have gratitude for the people who show up and make your life special! Don’t pout that 20 people didn’t wish you a happy birthday. Enjoy your night no matter how simple. Having friends who still go all out for birthdays is rare.

Bottom Line…..

Birthdays are a barometer of who cares for you. Yes, people have lives, etc. Yet, a simple text or phone call should be expected from a close friend. In person friends should at the very least grab a few drinks with you. As far as the guy you are dating…. the proof is in the pudding. He dropping the ball is purposeful. Let him do it! Never strong-arm a man to make your birthday special. Get ahead of the day by booking a massage, hair appointment, pedicure. Do not spend your birthday with a stranger. Practice gratitude for the people in your life who love and care for you.

Don’t Sh*t Where You Eat: Dating Co-Workers

I have no personal accounts of dating a co-worker. I worked as a maid twice and was the shampoo girl at a hair salon to name a few places (not a lot of guys around). I can see the temptation of wanting to. You are spending most of your week with them and it can become a “camp hot” situation. It makes sense that work places are strict about dating, especially when one person is in a position of power. However, not every work place is professional or important for your resume. Let’s break down when it’s fine to date and when it’s not…..

First off, are you willing to see him every day if you break up?……

…….

This is the most important to ask- how awful will it feel to see your ex- everyday in the break room?

Don’t assume it will work out- Best case you get married; worst case one of you has to quit

It might hurt your career- You will be distracted by the crush, causing you to not focus on a promotion or better position

You will dress to impress and get stressed……

When you involve a crush in the equation, you have to wake up earlier making sure your outfit is perfect and your eyeliner is on point. It’s a lot of fuss and worry for nothing. Not saying you shouldn’t look professional for work, but agonizing over an outfit adds unneeded stress to your morning.

Is this just a silly summer job?…..

Selling cotton candy at a local carnival for the summer is low stakes. Any job that isn’t a resume builder and only temporary are fine to let loose.

Is this a corporate job?……

The more serious the job, the more the need to follow the rules and act professionally. Don’t ruin your chance for more money or a better position for a dumb crush. The higher ups are always watching.

Is this an internship?……

Some internships result in real jobs. My advice is stop accepting the unpaid ones. Some companies like to exploit college kids for slave labor. Anyway, if you really think it can result in something real, then act professionally.

Be aware of the rumor mill…..

It’s best to keep drama to a minimum. Co-workers get bored at work and love to pass the time by gossiping. Don’t be the girl who flirts with everyone; it looks immature.

What happens when you match with a co-worker on a dating app?…..

You will probably come across a co-worker or two on the apps. Try your best to swipe left, yet a slip of the finger happens. On bumble, don’t reach out; let it expire. On the other apps, see how he reacts or reaches out. Could have been a mistake on his part as well. When you are quick-swiping a familiar face, you will swipe right. Don’t bring it up when you return to work.

Bottom Line……

It’s a good idea to keep certain parts of your life separate. Think about how it will affect you moving forward in your career. However, low-stakes summer jobs, or non-resume builder jobs are okay to let your guard down a little. Just don’t spend more than a summer or few months on the non-resume building jobs. You can waste years on temp jobs that don’t move you forward. When you get a professional job don’t get distracted by a crush. You need to keep your eye on the prize to make more money or move up.

Why You Shouldn’t Lead With Your Spirituality

There will be sweeping judgments based on your dating profiles. Psychologically, this is a shortcut for making a person feel safe. In dating, an insignificant interest can develop into a red flag, or worst case, a way to be conned. Spirituality falls under this category and a person can be judged unfairly for it. I am a spiritual person and discovered that it does me no favors to advertise. Play it safe by skipping any religion section on the apps (unless you are in fact religious such as Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, etc). Why is being “not religious, but spiritual” a target for f*ckboys and con artists?…..

Spirituality implies you have no boundaries…..

Users and narcissists love people with zero boundaries; easy targets are their bread and butter. The hippy-dippy way of life seems chill and carefree, but strategic users like to take advantage of pure hearts and kindness.

It makes them think you are all about “free love”…..

Nothing wrong with free love, hooking up, experimenting. However, when you are being blocked from ever getting a serious relationship, it stings. It should be your choice to hook up versus guys only wanting to hook up.

Men will tune you out….

When you start to say things like, “well, my moon is in Gemini, so I have two sides to my personality”…..all the men in the room hear white noise. It’s like when a guy corners you about his NFL fake draft thing.

Ask yourself how important is it?…..

Are you getting your tarot read every week and know every name and function of a crystal? Or do you read your horoscope once a month and that’s it. When the app says, “spiritual” everyone will leap to you having a strong interest.

Bottom Line…..

Your dating apps should be constantly rebranding; same with how you act on dates. You have to keep in mind that it takes two blinks to determine interest. The first impression for men is visual, so looking hot and normal is your best bet. However, if you are making money off being spiritual, such running a tarot business or working as an astrologer, then own it! Who cares about how guys feel; you can dry your tears with dollar bills.

Egg On Your Face: The Humiliating Experience Of Rejection

Rejection can hit you like a dump truck when you thought you looked both ways. Years ago I was at a bar. I saw a guy and decided to approach him; we had a great conversation….yet…he never asked me out on an official date and we faded out. A year later, I saw him again! I debated with myself if I should say hello. “Would he remember me?” I texted my friends in real time hoping to get the green light to wave to him. I finally made eye contact, waved, and smiled across the bar. A look of confusion and concern washed over his face. I knew I’d made a huge mistake. I quickly retreated to the outdoor patio leaving my dignity inside the bar. I then realized I had to pass him again to leave…..

When a guy hasn’t kept in contact….DON’T FOLLOW UP…..

In fact, I go by the two week contact rule. When I have not heard from a guy in my contact list in two weeks straight, I delete his number.

Try not to make the first move…..

Usually when it isn’t his idea in the first place, nothing will materialize. He continuing the conversation might be out of pure politeness, not interest. A TON of confusion, asking the group chat, and mixed signals stems from this. Save yourself the drama and don’t approach.

Rejection is letting go of your power…..

Sometimes it’s perfectly fine to play it safe. When you don’t know the outcome, it can make you feel powerless. Most fearless friends who have a YOLO mindset can set you up for embarrassment. Take the “be brave” advice with a grain of salt. You are allowed to look before you leap.

How do we keep ourselves from being rejected in the future?…..

You have to look at the signs at face value. Is this guy making an effort to talk and keep up with you? It’s best to recognize interest versus politeness. It will save you an embarrassing moment. When there is zero forward motion (asking to get you a drink, exchanging phone numbers, asking to see you again) assume he was bored or being polite.

How do we move on from rejection?…..

Ruminating about a rejection is the worst thing you can do. It’s best to feel safe in your little bubble, but rejection can happen no matter how careful you were. Getting rejected can cause you to feel insecure and not feel great about accepting a new date. Fight this feeling and keep swiping. Tell yourself it will be a funny story to tell later.

Rejection can be humbling….

You might have been on a hot streak and gotten a big head. Sometimes you need to come back down to earth and appreciate when a good date comes along. Not having a perspective makes all dates mundane.

Bottom Line….

Rejection is going to happen even when you are super careful. You will make rookie mistakes, especially when you are newly single and getting out there. Taking a temperature of the room is the first step. The best thing you can learn is self-awareness and picking up what people are putting down. Notice when you are the only one reaching out, and he is not moving things forward. On the bright side, rejection can be humbling and lets you appreciate when a great date comes along.