How To Be “Delulu”

The term “Delulu” has become a Tik Tok buzzword for “being delusional.” In therapy years ago, I had an “aha moment” when I realized that when you speak about the future with a negative lens, it is seen as “practical.” When you try to speak positively about any future outcomes, you are viewed as “delusional.” I am a big advocate for mindset and attitude and how it shapes our life. How can you get over negative self-talk and why is it the safe go-to?…..

Our ego loves safety…..

When we say negative things, it is mainly to keep us from taking any sort of action. This keeps us the same and safe. Our ego doesn’t want us to be skydiving everyday. However, it also protects us from dreaming bigger, like asking for a promotion.

Pay attention to actions….

Before you judge a situation show yourself hard evidence through actions. When it comes to men, talk is cheap. There have to be actions to show you if he is serious or cares. As far as friends or lovers, collect data on past behavior. When making major decisions it is good to hope for the best, but to remain neutral.

Seize opportunities….

Pay attention when opportunities present themselves. When people are stuck in a negative outlook they won’t even bother (or notice) to apply for that job or to go to that party. Most things that come your way need to be jumped on immediately. It is the universe giving you a gift.

How to manifest…..

You have to start with believing you deserve it and that positive domino effects will come from it. Most things average people want are extremely humble, yet we are taught that desiring anything makes us greedy. You can create a vision board or have a motivating quote you can see daily. I prefer making digital vision boards though Pinterest or just on my phone.

You’re never going to be fully ready for anything….

Yes, the stars can align a little, but overall, it won’t be perfect. You might feel you are at your goal weight or at your financial peak. Yes, bad timing is real, but anyone who becomes a parent can tell you there is no amount of prep that can make you feel you are ready.

You can be “delulu” and practical….

It is ok to be grounded, but still have big dreams. Start small with goals and see if doors open or close. You know when you are on the right path when opportunities come your way. You can always give anything a shot. It is easier to conceptualize a goal with smaller actionable steps instead of being completely overwhelmed.

Bottom Line….

Surround yourself with people who think big, not small. It is usually narrow-minded people who accuse you of being delusional. Fight against the status quo and connect with people who value goal-setting. Your “network is your net-worth” is a real phrase and your circle could be preventing you from achieving anything. Make a point to go to networking events and meet-up groups. As far as dating, stop going to the dingy college bar and waltz into a high-end wine bar. If your friend is more connected, ask to be invited to a party or get-together. Jobs and opportunities are made in person, not though a cold email. Lastly, use visualization to picture the positive snowball affect a goal or dream will cause. It will most likely be a positive impact to others and to your community.

Valentine’s Day Solo Date Ideas

Valentine’s Day should never be a sad day for singles. It is a great opportunity to treat yourself and indulge a little bit more. When you have things on the books you will be less swayed to cave and hook up with your ex. However, for people wanting to be social there are options for that as well. This is the time to get into your “soft girl era” and be the main character. What are some solo Valentine’s Day ideas?….

Book appointments….

Get your hair done, nails, facial, massage….you name it. Whatever you have been putting off, then book it. Create big blocks of time where you aren’t looking at your phone.

Buy yourself flowers….

A sweet bouquet from Trader Joe’s will do just fine. Get some roses and display them in a nice vase where you can see them.

Get yourself chocolates or make a dessert….

For the bakers out there this is a no brainer. For non-cooks you can do break-and-bake cookies for yourself or simply buy chocolate.

Manifest and write down your ideal partner check list….

Write yourself a letter of you in the future with your ideal partner. Get down to specifics and write out your ideal man. Don’t be vague or too general. Get into appearance, occupation, and his character. Write it in the present tense and do a thank you style letter. Keep the letter in an envelope in a special place.

Turn off notifications for the dating apps….

Today is not a great swiping day. It’s not the time to meet a stranger at Starbucks.

Put your phone on “do not disturb”….

No distractions are allowed for the day. Turn off all notifications or put your phone in DND mode.

Go shopping or thrifting….

Do the fun errands that you enjoy and browse your favorite stores.

Watch Rom Coms….

Turn on your favorite rom coms from the 2000s or watch your comfort show

Take a dance class….

Book a fun hip-hop dance class and get into your body

Sit at the bar at a restaurant…..

Go to a restaurant that has great food at the bar. You can drink wine and get a great meal. Avoid any restaurant that is advertising Valentine’s Day specials.

Bottom Line….

Let this day be about you. It is a perfect day to book beauty appointments or a massage. When you plan ahead you won’t feel a panic to spend time with a stranger. Keep your phone on “do not disturb” and do not use your dating apps. Anything that you would want from a partner, provide for yourself. Get yourself the flowers, dessert and wine. Romanticize your life on this day and go a little extra on self-care.

2023 Wrapped: End Of Year Advice

I personally do not have Spotify, but I love the concept of having the data of what mood and vibe you were in for the year. Most of us probably didn’t calculate our dating data, or even what were the total of first dates that led to second dates. But, hey, maybe we should pay more attention. Regardless, it’s time to think how we felt about 2023 as a whole. This is advice I gathered for this year and what to work towards for a more enjoyable dating experience. How can you reflect and start the new year on the right foot?….

Your year as a whole….

Maybe dating took a back seat, but you got a nice promotion at work. It is best to be proud of other accomplishments and see the whole picture. You could have met a few more friends or gotten closer to family. Give yourself credit for those things.

What was your worst date and what was your best date?…..

Reflect on both extremes and pick apart the reason it went sour. In contrast, think about why a date went right. Go through length of the date, type of date, location, what you were wearing, if you had a pre-date, etc. You can notice patterns that could have caused it to go well or flop.

How many dating-app dates versus real life?….

Yes, dating-app dates are easy and convenient. But they are probably not the quality dates you want. You could say you went on 100 app dates this year, but they probably only resulted in a first date. Stop being scared of dating mixers or speed dating. ( I do prefer a mixer versus speed dating since it isn’t forced). It can be a great opportunity to meet multiple men in person.

Were all your dates coffee dates?….

If you want a job interview environment, you got it. The atmosphere does not foster a romantic connection. I understand you probably want a sober date versus a bar. You have to think of environment and lighting first. You can choose how many drinks you drink or how long you stay. Find a romantic ornate tea shop and go there for a sober date versus a Starbucks. It’s all about an atmosphere that will encourage you to relax and connect.

Do you need that revenge body?….

The better you look, the better the choices and the better you will be treated. Is that fair? No. It’s just how dating works. Invest in yourself and take care of your physical appearance. Get your hair done, buy a new outfit, join a gym, get your makeup done professionally. There is zero downside to looking more attractive.

Should you be more choosy?….

This is the time to trust your intuition. Give yourself enough time to get to know someone before you go on a date. The “ick” can creep on you sooner than you expect. It’s best to feel things out before you dive in. Quality over quantity. It’s ok to go on fewer dates.

Bottom Line….

This year for me was not so great for dating, but good for other aspects of life. Dating is not the be-all and end-all and you should try to become more well-rounded. Try your best to think outside of the dating apps. If you haven’t tried to involve your friends or gone to a mixer, then give it a whirl. Be more choosy of whom you give your time to. It’s ok to go on a date once a month instead of once a week. If you want more options, then work on your physical appearance. It will open more doors in all aspects of your life. Most importantly, it’s best to repeat what really was working and bringing you joy this year.

Skipping Over Thanksgiving As A Trend

In the past there have been rules of when to decorate for certain holidays. Most people have been told to put up the tree the day after Thanksgiving or even December 1st. Once the pandemic started, I noticed the trend of skipping over Thanksgiving to decorate for Christmas. I actually read an article contending that people who do this are happier. Long story short, start the holidays when you see fit, here’s why….

People love sparkle….

Christmas decorations are all about sparkle, glitter, and shine. Humans love to look at shiny objects. It gives them a little hit of serotonin (not a doctor, but it gets my pulse going).

It encapsulates a lot of trends in one….

A Christmas cheer is exactly what a girl who romanticizes her life will do. She is probably in her “soft-life era.” This time of year encourages fuzzy blankets, hot tea, and curling up watching favorite shows in candlelight. You can pretend to be the main character in a Hallmark movie.

The holidays go by soooo fast….

The more time you get to have the decorations up, the better you feel. The holidays, especially post-Thanksgiving zoom by and frankly, you don’t have time after Black Friday to sit and sip your hot chocolate next to your tree.

You can decorate in your own color scheme and vibe….

Unlike other holidays you can showcase your own style within Christmas. If you only love silver and gold, great! You can also lean into arts and crafts style with Popsicle frame pics of family. I have even seen Christmas in a goth style.

You can still enjoy Thanksgiving….

We give fall our all. I don’t find it is skipped over. There is pumpkin spice and sweater weather, the leaves, etc. I do think the Halloween and Thanksgiving holidays get recognized.

Before you decorate….

Do a clean out and donate unused decorations. Obviously, keep anything sentimental and precious to you. But go though the lights that do not work and are tangled and decide overall what the vibe will be. Like I said, you can decorate with your own taste in mind. This might mean out with old, in with the new.

Get ahead of the stress part….

Start making a list for presents and purchase your Christmas cards. Decide what your budget is and how many gifts per person. Keep in mind that certain people would prefer a service IOU present which can be priceless. Don’t limit yourself to physical items.

Bottom Line….

Give yourself permission to decorate. Honestly, this generation (Millennial and Gen Z ) are already doing it regardless. There is time that needs to be spent on brainstorming on the vibe you want to capture. I love when a person has their own Christmas style that is unique to them and their home. This year spend more time in the Christmas spirit versus the frantic stress ball that can occur.

How To Use Vulnerability In Dating

In the past couple years, there have been a lot of gurus preaching “vulnerability.” Everyone should chose an authentic path and speak the truth to others. You cannot bottle up your own feelings and be a fake person. I do want to address that there is a gray area when it comes to early dating. I want to talk about what people mean by being vulnerable in a dating context. What should you say and do on the first few dates?…..

What is vulnerability on a first date / early talking…

I want to stress that these experts do not mean “trauma dumping.” It might feel like they are encouraging you to bare your soul to strangers. They simply mean to stop saying, “how was your weekend.”

Starting the conversation in the second act…

Shakespeare started his plays “in the middle.” He used very little setup and backstory and dove straight into the action. A lot of experts bring this up as a style of connecting to people. It is better to act like you already know the person.

Feelings, not facts…

I have brought this up before. It is so much better to tell a story through emotion. Facts should be avoided as they always come off cold and boring. Again, this does not mean you are in a therapy session. Example: Fact- “I went to college in Arizona in 2009.” Story- “I can’t even look at Sunny Dee anymore; going to college in Arizona people couldn’t get enough screwdrivers.”

Beware of generic topics…

In my own experience, as you get older it’s harder to speak about music and movies. When you bring up one thing and they say they haven’t heard of it, then you are dead in the water. I am guilty of wanting to chat about celebrity pop culture, but again, typically men aren’t as tuned in to that. You can certainly dip your toe in and see if you are aligned on movies. It does make a conversation flow better when you can connect on something. I would rather you speak about movies than trauma bonding. So, at worst, explain the movie or album.

How is your tone…

Men respond to women who make them feel relaxed around them. Most of their dates are interrogations; be a breath of fresh air. I understand you need certain answers to move forward, but when you push it and force questions, he will not like it. Also, keep in mind a man can just lie to you. It is better to get the feel and zero into your intuition around him.

A man will tell you what he is looking for…

He will put you in a box the moment he lays eyes on you. He has a certain standard for how a girlfriend acts or looks like. I say this to not put so much pressure on what you say. As long as you aren’t in a bad mood and complaining, you should be fine. Witty banter is the goal, of course, but positivity is more important.

Listen more than you talk…

The secret to charisma is the power of letting the other person talk about themselves. He will give you the answers you are seeking when he feels comfortable.

Learn how to flirt…

I admit it is a delicate dance. No woman wants to encourage a man to only want to sleep with her. I do think certain types of flirting can backfire. Think of it in terms of being charming and complimentary, not licking your lips and pulling his tie.

Bottom Line…

The biggest thing to keep in mind is if he likes you, he likes you. I have tried to be little-miss- witty and win a guy over. The decision has already been made. Not to say you should roll your eyes and look at your watch. There should be responsibility to be easy-breezy and be a good hang. On the flip side, vulnerability does not mean trauma-dumping or bonding. The best thing to practice with friends, co-workers, and dates is speaking with emotion and story. No one wants a dry interviewer or someone demanding answers. If you cannot be relaxed or calm, consider taking a break from dating. A lot of tensions and heartache can build up and cause you to come off mean and impatient. Men, in a nutshell, want a woman to be pleasant to be around and look like his type.

Off Limits Men

I have spoken about the downsides of hitting on bartenders or anyone in a service-based industry. I want to take it a step further and explore the BIG “off limits men.” These men can be more appealing because they are taboo. However, the reason men fall into the “no” category is because of how they affect other people. I will break down what type of men are forbidden and why it’s never a good idea….

A best friend / sister’s ex….

This is breaking “girl code.” You are being selfish and not putting your friend or loved one into consideration.

Married men….

He will say over and over he will leave his wife for you. And yet….you are still sneaking away to dark alleys and shady hotels while he goes back to his family in the morning. This is also a thing that you should go by the rule, not the exception. It is harmful to your self-worth and you are a home wrecker.

Anyone who you pay….

Even the man who mows your grass. This goes back to my “Hitting on Bartenders” article. There are always going to be men who seem appealing that you did not swipe on. You will feel seen when they remember your name and go the extra mile. This is a big trap that both men and women fall into and it only results in an awkward and inappropriate situation. There are men who will physically touch you (hair dresser, massage therapist, dermatologist, etc). You could feel the spark, especially if you are deprived of affection. It is never a thing to explore.

Your priest, rabbi, or spiritual counselor….

In the show, “Fleabag,” the main protagonist goes all the way with her priest. It was shocking and has an erotic element because of the forbidden and even immoral nature. This is not a common scenario, but I do think it comes from a man with no sexual agenda helping you that is appealing to women.

Your son’s friend….

I have been thinking of Jada Pinkett Smith since she is currently in the news. She speaks about her “entanglement” with rapper August Alsina who is 21 years younger. I am pretty open about age gaps, but an extremely large one when one party is below 27 is inappropriate. Not going to throw only women under the bus with this, men have been doing this for eons. Usually, he progressively dates younger after each divorce until she is younger than his daughter.

Your therapist….

I am separating this one from the “men you pay” category because women really do fall for their therapists. He knows your deep dark secrets, he listens, and he gives his thoughtful advice. To women, this is what intimacy is. Men aren’t usually attracted to a therapist, there are no porn categories of “therapist and patient.” Going back to the priest example, it is another time a man is helping without his own sexual agenda.

What is the solution?….

Not going to minimize the piercing attraction you feel with these forbidden men. Most women’s sexuality is tied to fantasy and “will they, won’t they.” It can be somewhat unbearable when you are hit with a strong spark from the wrong guy. There are some action plans to combat the feeling.

Recognize if you are in dry period of dating – Most of the time you will be fantasizing about the mailman when you have no options. Your brain likes to stay in a romantic energy and will find any man to fill the void.
Make a zen garden- The Buddhists believe in work that results in a “flow” state. This could be where you physically have no time to think outside of what you are doing. Some examples are re-wallpapering your room, gardening, or cleaning your gutters.
Reject yourself- Some people still hold onto to a crush because there was no “no.” When we are rejected, the door has shut and it is easier to wash our hands with it. In this case reject yourself in a firm way by giving a reality check. It is always better to go in with an assumption he is not interested or available.
Admit you are starved for affection / attention – When you are in this state this is when you make bad decisions. In this case, it’s much better to get that energy out though a dating app. Even if you don’t meet up it is better to flirt and get attention
Get busy- “idle hands are the devil’s playground.” “If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.” Ok, I will stop saying cliché phrases… but, you might have too much time on your hands that can be put to better use.

Bottom Line….

A crush and fantasy can be healthy, yet I put an asterisk next to these type of men only because an obsession can build up more from people who are seen as forbidden and taboo. There are real consequences from pursuing these types of men. You can break up a marriage, hurt a person’s career, or simply have a humiliating experience. This is the time to put your shields up, assume they are not interested, and move on with your day. Anything interdict makes captivating television, but in reality, at worst, it can be life-ruining for both parties.

Halloween Tips For Single Guys

Halloween is a the perfect holiday to meet someone new. Being in disguise can break down some self-doubt and allow you to let loose. Men don’t normally have immense pressure to look sexy. The average Joe tends to lean into a funny costume or what I call “the mascot” costume where he is completely hidden. When you use your time wisely it can be a night to really maximize your social capacity. What are some tips for single men to stand out this season?….

Try on your costume before the night….

Make sure everything fits ok and is comfortable. Give yourself enough breathing time to replace something or scrap the idea for a better one.

Get noticed….

Costume choice matters. The worst move is only dipping your toe into a “costume.” I have seen men who wear a T-shirt that says, “this is my costume.” It might be a personal preference, but it gives me the ick when a guy half-way participates. This is one night to get creative and have some fun.

Have a game plan….

Bring in the wingmen for some assists. It’s best to get the crew together, maybe for a group costume if possible, and have a few hype men. Go barhopping and attend all the events to maximize meeting the most women.

Make sure your costume is practical….

Bathroom lines will be long, you need to be the backseat of an Uber, you need to be able to see, etc. It is best to show your face. Not saying a funny blow-up dinosaur costume isn’t funny. You will not connect with women when they cannot see your eyes and expressions.

It’s a numbers game….

Try not to get locked into one person. The mistake I see is when men laser focus on the first girl who speaks to them and holds her hostage for the night. Get into the flow of chatting, maybe getting contact info if the vibe feels right, and then keeping it moving. The reason is that this is a rare night when the homebodies are out and about. You will be meeting people you had no idea existed since they probably do not frequent the bars often.

Be safe….

I say this a lot, but it would be embarrassing to wind up in jail in a Halloween costume. Take Uber or walk to your destinations.

Pre-game….

Bonus points for being a host of the pre-game party. Only do this when you live close to downtown and it is on the way for people. This is also a great time to meet new women in a non- chaotic environment. For men who are not knowledgeable on how to host, this could be a learning opportunity. Just make sure to make the experience fun. You should provide drinks and a festive vibe. Put on a scary movie in the background, light candles, and have a goth playlist.

Have a budget…..

Anyone who gets a little too generous with buying people drinks should bring cash only. It will limit you to a certain dollar amount and you won’t get your credit card left or overspent. Also, when women know your tab is open, they can order drinks and you may get stuck with a higher bill than expected. When treating women to drinks, don’t get an expensive cocktail. In my city, we have half-shots that are inexpensive. If there are special cheap shots, then go with that. In general, offering a shot is better because it’s quick and easy while still appearing chivalrous.

“The walk of shame”….

Getting lucky can happen on Halloween. When you take a girl home, be kind and let her borrow or keep some clothing she can sleep in and go home in. Give her clothing you don’t care about losing, not expensive items. She wants to not be embarrassed the next morning and wants to not stand out when she makes her way home.

Bottom Line….

Singles on Halloween will be ready to mingle. Get noticed and do not hide yourself in a costume. Think practical in case you get lucky, and be safe so you don’t wind up with a mug shot of you dressed as a hot dog. Take charge and orchestrate your friends coming out and also host a pre-party to meet more women. Think in terms of getting numbers versus zeroing in on one girl. Have a budget and a plan overall, because in the witching hour things can get chaotic. Collect instagrams, not numbers. You will forget what the women look like and it’s good to have a visual reference. Finally, enjoy your night in a safe way and get into the spirit.

“The Boo Box”: Who Should You Treat?

Just found out what a “boo box” is through social media. Basically, it is a seasonal care package consisting of food, coffee, candles and all things cozy. This is a super-cute idea, however, it’s wise to pick and choose whom you treat. A woman wanting to be in her feminine energy should not be gifting and impressing, even though this is in her nature to do when she wants the person she is dating to feel loved. Birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day gifts should be proceeded with caution. Having said that, what should be in the boo box and in what situation should it be gifted?…..

Shopping Ideas….

The best gifts are handmade and something that feels too nice to give themselves. This is a celebration of fall, think cozy with seasonal flavors. The most obvious is to make your own pumpkin spice. This is a given and seems more gourmet when it is created by you. You can google the recipe and put it in a glass container with a fancy label. Then you need to consider that we are going into “cozy” season, and any sort of comfort and luxe will be appreciated. Cashmere socks give more of a sophistication rather than fuzzy sucks with a pumpkin (although that is very cute). Then you could carry on the clothing route with a nice robe or loungewear set. Next is seasonal coffee or tea. The loose-leaf option is a more high end presentation. With coffee, you could include a milk frother for those speciality pumpkin lattes. To top everything off, include a woodwick candle. The woodwick causes that ASMR crackling-fire noise for instant relaxation. I would go with a plain and clean design that could be reused.

Who Should Not Receive The Boo Box?…..

Anyone you are casually dating or in a gray area. I even think a boyfriend could be too high risk. It sends the message that you are trying to impress and buy their love in some way. A long- distance relationship might be the most logical. It is a care package and it seems like the right situation. Although take into consideration how serious this long-distance relationship is. It is better if it is temporary, you are engaged, and there is a wedding date. It is better to give wifey treatment to a future husband, not a man who sporadically texts.

Treat Yourself To The Boo Box….

For anyone who loves fall, this is a great excuse to make a trip to Home Goods and treat yourself to some fall delights. As far as blankets, robes, and loungewear, go for quality, not cheap polyester. It will last longer and look more sophisticated. However, it’s totally your call. No shame in leaning into fuzzy skeleton pants.

Have A Cozy Night With Friends….

You could have a bonfire night or stay inside and watch some scary movies. There are streaming services that do 31-days-of-Halloween. You can also gift your friends with homemade bread or seasonal desserts.

Should You Expect To Be Treated To The Boo Box?….

I only just discovered this a few days ago and I doubt everyone knows about it. Any woman whose love language is receiving gifts should probably be hinting about it. There are certain boyfriends who show their love though gifts and some that do not. Although it does not have to be as elaborate as I said. This is probably a great new tradition that committed couples will adopt.

Bottom Line…..

The Boo Box can be a great way to set off the fall season. For singles, I suggest you treat yourself to one. You now have an excuse to upgrade your loungewear. For couples, it depends on how committed you are. In my experience, it is always regretful to go above and beyond for a man who doesn’t even want you as his girlfriend. The wifey treatment should be reserved for a man who is all in. Either way, get cozy, stay in more, and share some chilly nights with friends and family.

Planning The First Date: Tips For Guys

These are tips for men who haven’t figured out the sweet spot of planning a great first date. Some go all in and come in too hot, scaring her away, while others give zero effort and make the girl decline and lose interest. In your grandpa or dad’s day, they would take full control, pick her up, and show her a great time. With the casualness of the apps, it’s hard to strike a balance of effort and effortless attitude. How should a guy navigate planning a first date?……

Scout out the best locations…..

It’s great to observe the best bars or coffee shops with a relaxed atmosphere, meaning lighting, how loud is it, is it distracting? Women love a great cozy energy so she can get comfortable. Candlelight is your friend and a private booth is a must.

First date should be drinks, if this is a blind date or an app date….

There needs to be an exit strategy, so planning an elaborate dinner or trip to the movies will backfire. Unless you live in a major city where everything has a reservation, then don’t make a reservation. You also need to be flexible when something out of your control happens at the location and you need to leave (such as a random bachelorette party that shows up or the music is blasting.)

Be confident in asking….

The wording is very important. It is better to speak in a confident way instead of a question. Say, “I would love to take you out, are you free Thursday evening?” There should be no confusion of knowing it’s a date or a friendly hang.

Some don’ts…..

One of my pet peeves is when I end up planning my own date. I understand that he wants to get it right, but it comes off as lazy or insecure. Not to say there shouldn’t be a few options in your back pocket just in case. Also, give her peace of mind that you are treating her and making the experience worth going on. Not to say you should over-promise and not deliver, more so just giving a sense of ease and confidence.

Have a time and place….

You have to communicate where the date will take place and what time. This sounds obvious, but some men seem to conveniently not give details in case they want to back out. Be concise and repeat the time and location, “Great, see you on Friday at 8pm; looking forward to it.”

Confirm by noon the next day….

This is crucial. When a man does not confirm, it leaves the woman thinking he changed his mind. It’s best to come off as looking forward to the date, plus women have to get ready and that takes time. This is another time to communicate in a confident way. Say, “Looking forward to tonight. Is 7pm still good?” Not, “Are we still on?” When you give options to cancel she will wonder if you want to cancel. This will cause insecurity and might make her change her mind and bail.

Bottom Line….

When certain actions are not implemented, then a date can fall apart. You want to come off in the first impression as confident and excited to meet. The confirmation text will make or break the date. You have to confirm! In this day and age, plans get switched up at a drop of a hat. Do men purposely not communicate clearly to avoid a date? Yes. But if you don’t want to give off an impression that you want to bail, then give her clarity and something to look forward to.

What to do when you encounter “kenjataimu” from a guy

Ok I know you are wondering what “kenjataimu” means. I used the Japanese word since the English phrase is somewhat vulgar. So, I will now say it in the scientific definition and hopefully, you can fill in the gaps. So here it is, “kenjataimu” is translated to “the post-coital period when a man’s thoughts are no longer impaired by his sexual drive.” I bring this up because most women run into this after sleeping with a man too soon. Then she will panic-text her friends and ask what happened. There is a reason rules to hold off sex are in place to protect from this yucky feeling. What can you do when you have walked straight into his trap and now you are brushed aside?…..

So you hooked up…..

He swiftly called you an Uber and shoved you out the door the next morning. As you realize your mascara has run all the way down your cheeks, you hold your breath that he will send you a “hope you got home safe text.”

“Maybe he is playing the 3-day rule”…..

You get home and try to act rationally. You figure he is playing coy and will resume texting you after a chill three days. A second date should be in order, putting you on a track for him to really get to know you.

A week goes by…..

You are still hopeful, yet don’t want to admit that you completely got used. You thought he was interested in what you had to say and the spark was undeniable.

Reality check….

So now what? He clearly ghosted…. Do you reach out and try to start over?…. A lot of women gloat that they met their husband by hooking up in a gas station bathroom. In reality…. It doesn’t happen as much as you think. Most of the time giving it up on the first date results in never being taken seriously, or a clean one-night stand where you never hear from him again.

“But I felt empowered”….

It’s great if you are truly on a casual journey and you enjoyed your time. More than likely you felt used. Because you were used. Saying yes to him too soon also makes a man think you do this with every man who asks.

There is more power in waiting….

Guys can see women in very black-and-white ways. The Madonna / Whore complex is very common-thinking among men. A man who wants to be your boyfriend probably would have not wanted to have sex on the first date. There is more power and dignity to wait him out and see what his motives are. (Although, let’s be real, some guys aren’t worth the elaborate “will they, won’t they”). Wait for the guy who is boyfriend material and treats you well.

Bottom Line….

With the casualness of dating apps and meeting at bars, this happens all the time. When you do meet in this way a man will more than likely see you as one-night-stand material. A great way to meet men is in person in a non-sexually-charged location. Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up. It happens to the best of us and everyone can get duped from time to time. Delete his number and keep your head high. In the TV show “30 Rock” the phrase “walk of shame” was flipped on its head to “stride of pride.” Be more intentional for when the right guy comes along.