How Can An Average Joe Be “Camp Hot”?

I frequently chat with my guy friends about dating. All have sighed and said they get zero matches on the apps and are getting discouraged. First, I try to fix up the profile, switch out the photos, then see if there is any traction. However, the apps are not set up to favor the men. Women get constantly swiped on and only really have to get their photos out there. If a guy thinks she is his physical type — swipe right. With women… it’s a little more complex: personality, humor, and occupation go a long way. A simple 2D profile cannot capture the essence of a human. This brings me to “camp hot” and how an average Joe can capitalize on the concept….

What is “camp hot”?…..

It is a biological concept where if men are scarce, then women will find the men more enticing. It goes back to a “stranded on a desert island” or in a potato famine situation. Women, to be able to breed, had to perceive the dwindling men as attractive. It is the opposite of the “cheerleader effect,“ coined by Barney Stinson in the show “How I Met Your Mother.” The effect is where women in groups will all look the same. When one woman is gorgeous, the men will perceive all the females in the group to be hot.

What should a guy not do?….

Key mistakes are to go against the theory. Any place where he blends in or where there are too many options, he should steer away from. Dating apps are the worst idea. Even decently attractive men will be swiped aside to favor the most attractive out there. Yes, women might take a beat and read a profile more. However, a few prompts, even if interesting, can’t trump model looks.

Be a leader….

Women need a story about a guy. She is more likely to be asked what a guy does versus what he looks like. When he is in charge of hosting an event, the lead singer of a band, or runs an indie film fest, she can share that with her friend. It creates an identity with that guy as well.

Pick a class or club that caters to women….

There are certain classes that are geared more to women. A pottery class or a “paint and sip” club, for example, are great ones. Just like in the classroom days, the girls will scope out the room for the cute guys. The fewer single guys, the more leverage.

Go out with your “wing men” sparingly….

Hanging with the bros seems like a natural way to go to bars. However, when it’s a big group of men, the women zero in on who’s the most charismatic and talks the most. An average guy is usually introverted and isn’t good at hitting on women. When going out, pick a mixed group of females and males. With a mixture of mostly women, but a handful of men, it helps you stand out since there are fewer choices to go through. When there isn’t a group to go with, be okay with a solo happy hour. Suit up, show up, and try to strike up conversations. Going earlier is a better strategy than last call.

Bottom Line….

With modern dating, the attractive Alpha males know how to be in the spotlight. They have no issue with the apps and thrive while going out with the boys at the bars. The sensitive, average, or introverted men get swiped aside. It is a shame since most of the nice guys make wonderful boyfriends. An average guy can stand out and shine when there are fewer shiny objects eclipsing him. I have fallen for many guys who are in charge of something. Many times to girlfriends, I would exclaim I am seeing “Brad the DJ” or “Peter the guy who runs the bad movie night on Thursdays.” Let’s face it, the apps are starting to be on the decline. Everything old is new again, with dating mixers and friends more willing to do a set up. Soon, the average guy will become the exceptional guy once meeting in person becomes the norm again.

Questions To Dodge On A First Date

A first date is a time to get to know a person. Some men take it a step further and treat it like an interrogation. What needs to be happening on a first date ( or in the early chatting period) is talking about surface-level topics ( movies, music, funny stories) and feeling out the vibe. Sometimes, a question is asked that completely derails the rest of the date. Keep in mind you do not have to answer a question just because he asked. Worse case is it opens you up to blab and complain the whole time….

“How many guys have you slept with?”…..

Whew! What a question. You never look good even if the number is pretty low. He is probably asking to see if you are easy and how hard he has to work. Never give out an actual number. You can just say: “When I am committed, then I will sleep with someone.” This tells him you aren’t interested in being a hook-up.

“Why did you and your ex break up?”…..

You might go on and on and start venting about how terrible he was. Or the opposite, where you miss him so much and was devastated when he dumped you. Be vague and answer: “We just weren’t the right fit.”

“How long have you been single?”…..

If it’s too short, it’s bad; if it’s too long, it’s bad. Saying a year makes you sound like you are over the last relationship and ready to date again. That’s really all he is asking anyway. You can fib a little and take control of your own narrative.

“How’s the apps?”…..

Red flag! Some men are clueless and just bring it up for no reason. Others bring it up because he sees you as another swipe. Downplay how much you use it: “Oh, my friend set it up for me a month ago. I am just seeing what all the hype is about.” He will be relieved he isn’t competing with other guys (even though he is). Again… he is sniffing out the competition and how hard he has to work.

“What are you looking for?”….

He is looking for a casual hook-up. He wants you to say casual so you verbally agree this date will be meaningless. Play naive and say: “I am really new to this; I just want to meet new people and see where it goes.” See his reaction or what he says after. He saying he wants casual means he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.

Bottom Line…..

Most questions are mining you for information and reading between the lines. There is a reason he is asking these particular questions. He wants to know: ( How much competition there is; is there an ex lingering around; do you want casual or a relationship). You might feel he is asking you to really open up. He isn’t. You can give a straight forward quick answer as long as your tone is pleasant. Move on from these questions as soon as possible. Get back on track to talking about surface-level topics. If he wants more information, then he can ask you out on other dates.

The Dangerous Exception: The Rules Do Apply

Dating rules – such as letting him court you, not hooking up on the first date, and not being too available are to keep you safe and still keep your dignity if things go south. However….Don’t we all wish we were the exception? To be the girl who messes up, is too clingy, makes a terrible impression, and is still seen as endearing? In the movies, the exception is complicated and complex and the male protagonist eats out of her hand. Even in the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” the lesson that you shouldn’t be the exception was flipped and the whole lesson was crumbled in the garbage…. because we want to be the exception… we crave it.…

Are you thinking movies are real?…..

The manic pixie girl breaks the rules. She will sleep with a guy, tell him about how her mom committed suicide, and the male protagonist is blown away. The reality is that not many people love drama. Hints of instability will make him run. Normal dates, compared to a Hollywood blockbuster, will seem boring. You don’t have to prove you are a “free spirit” and “not like other girls.”

“I can be a rule breaker”….

Rules are meant to protect you and not waste your time; they aren’t meant to suppress you. No one wants to be told to hold back and sit on their hands. Everyone wants a shoot-your-shot mindset because it does feel like freedom. The problem is the results and outcome usually end up being disappointing. However, yes, if you are seeking only hookups go for it. Be bold, be sultry. Getting into a committed relationship isn’t that straightforward.

We all want to feel special….

There is a sense of pride when a girl gets a guy in her own way. Behind the scenes we don’t really know what she had to go through. On top of that, the most likely thing is that he was ready to settle down regardless, or worse, she used heavy threats and ultimatums. But people love saying they broke the rules and it resulted in what they wanted. You feel like you are giving the middle finger to everyone. Being the chaser can get addictive. It ends up not being about liking the guy, but more about winning.

“Rules don’t apply to me because I am hot”…..

This is true at least at first. To be blunt, if you are attractive, things will be easier. At least in the first impression. You will be approached more, get away with an outburst here and there. But…. there will eventually be a drop-off point. Even supermodels get dumped here and there.

Giving everything up front is not fun for either parties…..

It’s not fun for you or him. Courtship and the “will-they-won’t-they” builds attraction. Anyone can hook up, and sadly – most men don’t really care with whom. The best part of a relationship is the build up and seeing if he actually cares. You find out very quickly who has your best interests. Yet, when you hook up after knowing a guy for two hours you don’t really know his motives anymore. He might claim all day he likes you, but only if sex is involved.

If everyone thinks they are the exception – then there is no exception….

This is how hook-up culture happened. It was people who wanted to break the rules and stick it to the system. Again….if the motive is to hook up, then do that. Anyone who has had a ho phase will tell you that it gets old. Women crave romance, a story to tell people, and effort.

Bottom Line…..

Keeping to a guideline can help you and preserve your dignity. Dating is unpredictable ; why are you trying to make it more complicated? There will be phases where you just want to break all the rules. If you just need to rebel for yourself, then do it. It should not be about proving to everyone that you are special and rules don’t apply to you. This is also where women get in competition with other women. It can result in just a competition against yourself to prove a point, not about finding a connection or getting to know a guy. It’s fine to play it safe and take calculated risks. Short-term gravitation usually results in spending hours analyzing a text message with the group chat. If you had just waited it out, it might have led to something, or you would have found out sooner that he wasn’t interested.

The Long Game Part 2

I have spoken briefly about the “long game.” This is how traditional pre-app dating was. You would go to a social event, see each other from across a crowded dance floor, then boom, you eventually started dating. Most importantly, there was a “courtship” phase. Most of us are used to swiping, meeting, maybe hooking up, and there might be a date here and there. There are key differences in the app- versus real-life style and it requires more strategy…..

You have seen him multiple times and he finally talked to you…..

This is step one. If he has not spoken to you and approached you, then either keep waiting for a bit, or throw in the towel. When a guy is interested and available, he will say hello in a bar, party, or cafe setting. You will not need to say hello and start a conversation to “help him out.” So, yes…. he finally talked to you. You should keep it light and don’t make assumptions. Act like you are on a first date. Stick to surface-level topics, be friendly, and get a overall vibe from him.

He has talked to you at least three separate times and includes you…..

Three times a charm. This is noteworthy because: once, could be him being bored and wanting to talk; two times, he recognized you; yet three…now you have something. Still keep things very light and open your ears and listen to what he is telling you. He might be talking about an ex, or that he is having a rough patch. He is interested, but probably needs a rebound or his ego stroked. Do not ignore this, and don’t think he will change his mind after he gets to know you.

Go dark for four days to one week…..

This is a crucial step. Pull back when there isn’t forward motion yet. Just don’t be gone for too long because that can backfire. Go on a date or two with other guys, but take your dates far away. After the week is up, return like nothing happened. Again too long = forgotten, the right amount = anticipation. This is the hardest step because you fear he will just forget you and move on. Is he excited once you come back around? Did he ask for your number or ask you on a date?

Be careful about Instagram…..

It’s tempting to just send that follow request on Instagram. You can keep up with him, watch his stories, and like his posts. You will send a message out of desperation once he isn’t giving you what you want. He will answer you and things might seem like they are going somewhere. There might be a night where you send a message and he leaves you on read. Don’t go down that road. Wait for him to ask for your number.

Does he bring you around his friend group?…..

Dating in the wild, you will meet friends sooner than online dating. With app dating you can hide your friends from your dates. In person, his friends are already there. How do his friends treat you? Are they excited to see you again and include you? Or do they ignore you? Sneaking off to a dark corner to avoid his friends glaring eyes is not a good sign.

If there has been no forward motion, let it go…..

This is not your invitation to low-key stalk him. He isn’t going to change his mind by you always being around. You might have to give up a fun regular hangout spot. Your night could be ruined by him giving you the cold shoulder, or worse, seeing him on another date.

Bottom Line…..

Listen, getting the stars to align at the right moment can take a long time. However, meeting in person will always be more memorable than swiping on an app. All my special relationships have not involved an app. There is something magical about two people having chemistry and doing the delicate courting dance. Yet… you shouldn’t be waiting literally forever. Once you reach the “going-dark stage” and then returning ,he needs to pull the trigger. If he doesn’t, he either found someone else, or wasn’t that interested in the first place. Also, I have said before that just because it’s a “meet-cute” situation doesn’t mean it’s fate and the universe owes you. He still needs to take forward actions to move things along: Asking for your number, asking for a date, texting etc. Do not linger around hoping he will talk to you. Yes, it sucks to give up that cool hang-out spot for a while, and I know you want to go there out of spite. Trust me, there are other bars, coffee shops, venues.

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind: How To Stay Relevant as a Casual Guy

Men getting into casual, or the beginning of the courting phase, need to know the importance of being top-of-mind. It sounds super obvious to most, but men who grab your number and then text you a month later will be forgotten. This can happen with a friends-with-benefits situation when there is a huge gap in seeing each other. The absence can backfire and feelings can get hurt along the way. What can men do to remain relevant in a woman’s mind?…..

How often is too often?…..

We get it’s casual. However, dating is at warp speed and everyone gets distracted by the shinier and newer object. A man wanting a casual relationship can easily be replaced by someone else. It is important to keep up with your casual thing and see each other every other week or at minimum once a month. (Although that is pushing it). In a courting phase, you need to step it up more and spend more time and pursue.

Keep texting in between dates…..

It doesn’t have to be a daily thing, but a few texts here and there can keep the dynamic going. When you only text for her to come over, you are creating too much of a disconnect. You don’t need to talk about deep meaningful things. Keep things light, fun, and plan to hang out.

Create an illusion……

The greatest lovers make the person they are with at the time feel like they are the only one. Most women will dismiss you and not see a point in spending time when outside dates are brought up. Still be sexually safe, but oversharing can ruin the mood.

Make sure your place is presentable….

Women are picky about where they spend their time. 90-percent of women will only care about atmosphere when going to a bar or restaurant. They want to feel like a guest and be able to relax. Her not wanting to spend the night, or fleeing after two hours says a lot. Men usually get a pass on the state of their apartment (boys will be messy). It should not be the norm.

Unmatch her on the apps…..

Once you unmatch, you are a fish let out in the great pond again. She will come across your profile and the changes that you have made. This can be in your favor and spark jealously in her. Your face will be top of mind at that moment and it will stick around for a day or two. When you come across her, then text her. The algorithm probably showed both of you at the same time.

Keep posting on Instagram….

(You might be on mute, so she avoids this). Her curiously will peak when she sees you enjoying yourself without her. This works on everyone! You don’t have to do thirst traps, or show off dates ( that will backfire), but subtle pics of you out: a full glass of whiskey on the rocks at an unknown location, an appetizer with more than one plate. Or a photo of you with a wristband or a stamp from a bar.

Bottom Line…..

You are probably saying, “who cares, it’s casual! I should be more aloof!” I understand the mindset, but women have options and will forget about you. She might have really been into you, but got too much of a whiff of instability and looked elsewhere for it. No one wants to look like they care more in casual and in the early courting process. However, being strategic about being relevant in a woman’s life can extend the length of the relationship. The saying is true: out of sight, out of mind.

Location, Location, Location: Proximity In Casual Dating

Sure, you can have as many public dates as you choose. Eventually, you will want to spend the night together or at least watch a TV series. Living situation is the driving force that forms any relationship, no matter how casual. One of the big rules to keeping it casual is: How convenient is it? When I am on a hot streak with dating, the first thing I put into consideration is…. where does he live? I do mean where does HE live. It’s important to be spending time at his place. Let him worry about cleaning up the mess and changing the sheets. On top of that it is a safety concern. You don’t want to let every casual guy know where he can find you if things go sour. However, most relationships without a convenient living situation and location cannot materialize.

Is it really casual if you are long distance?…..

Long distance = not easy for any type of relationship. For a casual thing, why are you bothering? Long distance is an hour away or more. I mean if this is a guy you see once a month when he is in town, then that’s totally fine. Think about how much you are investing just for something that won’t go anywhere.

Men need to consider location when they pick an apartment…..

Decisions at the 11th hour are made in haste. Thinking too hard about it will lead to just going home. An apartment that is walking distance from a bar is a smooth transition. The secret to having any company coming to your place is be in the right area. I remember living a little further from the downtown area and not having one friend who wanted to make the trek. Unless your goal is total solitude, consider living where there are bars, restaurants, and coffee shops within walking distance.

Don’t date Oscar The Grouch…..

Sure, not everyone can live in a Beverly Hills mansion. When safely is in question or you think you will catch a disease from using his toilet, do not return! Or better yet, leave without hooking up. Another no-no is him living in a cabin in a desolate remote area. Be safe and even share your location with a friend.

What are the perks of his place?…..

Maybe he has an apartment pool, a really nice espresso machine, or a stocked home bar. I am embarrassed to say that I have slept on many air mattresses. Don’t do this to yourself! More women need to put their foot down and not just go with whatever living situation is there. A bed frame and a clean apartment should be the bare minimum.

Roommates are a no-go…..

As you get older, discretion and privacy are the most important. Having all eyes and ears on you is humiliating and ruins the experience. You might not get to see him as often since he is catering to his roommates’ schedules. The only exception is having a large floor plan where bedrooms are further apart and he might even have a separate entrance and private bathroom.

Bottom Line…..

Location, Location, Location! Do you like going there and occasionally spending the night? Does he live in a good convenient area of town? If you are the one with the fabulous apartment, I would keep it under wraps. It can attract poor men who are looking for a living upgrade ( or worse case a new stalker). You also will fall into a pattern where you are going through the trouble of cleaning your apartment and kicking him out in the morning. It’s best to just come and go as you please and not have to worry. Travel time can add up to time you could have spent on another date. Before you get too involved, figure out his living situation; it will save you a lot of extra trouble.

The Jam Experiment

“The Jam Experiment” is about the paradox of choice. It was an analogy of consumers having too many choices, therefore not making ANY choices. Picture a whole floor-to-ceiling shelf of jam. You would be so overwhelmed by the number of choices that you would be unable to pick one. Having only three or four variety of jams, you would be able to purchase one; the same works for dating. In the app-culture we live in now it’s overwhelming to pick one person to date, making us unable to commit. This is a case where you are ready to settle on one guy. If you want abundance, then the app-world will certainly give it to you. In the pursuit of wanting commitment there can be a lot of extra visual and mental clutter that needs a good spring cleaning….

Are the apps helpful or hurtful?…..

It is nice to cast a wider net and meet men you would normally never meet. Plus, it’s easier to date men from other religious and cultural and financial backgrounds. You no longer are stuck in your own social circle. However, it creates the illusion of endless choice and options. For the casual dater that is an advantage. It’s good to have the attitude of “onto the next.” If you are wanting something more serious, then obviously having too many options is a problem. It’s best to use apps less and go through friends or meeting men in person at events, etc.

How many apps are too many?…..

Having too many dating apps on your phone can get complicated. Try out the ones that you find the most helpful and that give you the most forward motion. It really depends on the area you live in. One app may have more options than others. It’s too hard to keep conversations going with six different apps.

Should you edit your matches?…..

Keeping matches organized can be a good idea, but not necessary. It might be a good idea to cut the fat, so to speak, and only keep around the matches that want to meet up. Eliminating visual clutter can make the apps less overwhelming and prevent dating burnout.

How many dates should you go on?……

Once a week should be your max. This way you still have time to focus on your friends and work. Dating is a numbers game to a certain extent, but that doesn’t have to mean going out with a new guy every night.

Should you vet the guy more before meeting in person?…..

Yes. It’s not worth agreeing to go out with a guy that you know won’t work out. You need to keep some deal breakers in mind ( he just got out of a breakup, lives far away, is only looking for casual when you want something serious, etc). This will prevent you from having a pointless date.

Quality over quantity……

Make an effort to meet men off the apps. The best is through friends or extracurricular activities. Join an improv group or a soccer league. You might be surprised who you connect with. It will be a slower process, but it’s worth it to meet better men. Write down a list of green flags you are looking for. Challenge yourself to think in terms of his morals and lifestyle, not just physical appearance.

Bottom Line……

Too many choices result in zero choices. We are all susceptible to analysis paralysis. Going on endless dates can cause dating burnout where you are just in an endless first-date loop. For “law of attraction” purposes it might be a good idea to write down the qualities you want out of a guy. This way it’s in your brain and you will be able to recognize it when it’s in front of you. Keep only one to two apps on your phone. This cuts down the clutter and flurry of pointless messages. Only continue to talk to men who want to meet you. Make a point to network with more people in public. We live in a time where face-to-face communication is discouraged. Learn how to be social again and stop staring at your phone the whole time you are out.

Negging and Sarcasm

“I was just joking”…. How many times have you heard that? It comes up a lot in a dating situation that is unbalanced. Many women accept the ball-busting because they want to seem like “one of the guys.” Yet, it communicates to him that you have zero boundaries and more than likely you are in a weird, casual, confusing “situationship.” He would NEVER be disrespectful to a woman he is actually into.

What exactly is “negging”…..

There was a show in the early 2000s called, “The Pickup Artist.” It taught beta males how to pick up women. What came out of it, unfortunately, is a term called, “negging.” This is when a man tears you down, then builds you back up. They will make you insecure and then throw in a compliment. Some men fail to do the build-you-up aspect of the tactic. Basically, there are a lot of guys just straight up insulting women. For example, they might say, “I didn’t realize that your shirt was still in style.” It’s a slick put down that makes you feel insecure.

What are some examples of “jokes”…..

Every comedian knows that jokes are truths and then lies. The main thing to focus on is the truth to his “joke.” It is the safest way to bring up a topic because he can immediately say, “No, no, I was kidding, chill out,” and then turn it on you that you don’t have a sense of humor. Some common examples are about your weight, your general appearance, or maybe even your intelligence. He might bring out the dumb-blond jokes when you are in fact brunette.

Would he really do it to his dream girl?….

Picture this…. Romeo sees Juliet across the room…. Do you really think he would take that opportunity to say she looks fat in her gown? Yea, didn’t think so. You have to think in the mindset of “would he treat his dream girl this way”?

“But he is just a sarcastic guy”…..

Yea…. he still shouldn’t be doing it to you. Sure, he might test out his tight five-minute comedy routine on you, but if you have expressed that it bugs you, he should never do it again. Another example is being performative around his buddies and make you the butt of the joke. It could stem from him being uncomfortable and wanting a way to downplay his relationship status.

How does he speak about you when you aren’t around?…..

I have noticed in interviews with celebrities and well-known comedians of how much they are into their partner. I understand that men cringe at the thought of being mushy. However, it is a red flag to hear a man speaking of his wife saying, “the old bag, my ball and chain, the boss.” Too many unflattering adjectives wrapped in a funny bow make you question how he really feels.

“I roast the ones I love”…..

Joking and ball-busting is usually reserved for friends. Making fun of you translates to him seeing you as more of a buddy than lover. Same thing with calling you masculine names such as “bro, dude, man.” He is stripping away your feminine qualities and throwing you in a friend bucket. Not to say he wouldn’t turn down hooking up. When it comes to presenting you as a couple in public he will dance around the title leaving you confused.

Bottom Line…..

Again, picture all the romantic movies and literature. Rarely does the protagonist make fun of his perfect woman. A man will not risk offending a girl he really is into. Pay close attention to his “jokes.” It could be a sign that he isn’t all in with the relationship. Usually, it is dipping his toe in and saying what he isn’t pleased with. There is so much truth in what he is essentially criticizing. It’s easy to backpedal and say it was all a joke. It could also be a tactic to keep you small and on your toes. This comes from a man who is highly insecure and needs the power balance to always be in his favor. Be wary of a guy who does it from the start.

Cheating: Physical and Emotional

I have never been cheated on to my knowledge, but I have been the “other woman” unknowingly. You have to keep in mind that a cheater has to lie to all parties involved. Once you do cheat and get away with it, you will feel suspicious of your own partner. Emotional cheating is the gray area of cheating. A laugh or smile from a person who isn’t your significant other can be devastating. Some women would rather a man just have the physical encounter, whereas men would feel emasculated when finding out his girlfriend slept with someone else. You have to keep in mind that cheating requires a lot of work. There are only so many hours in the day. If a man is living by himself and not with you the signs will be a little bit more subtle. The main thing to look out for is just a shift in vibe or habits. Some men have Excel spreadsheets and can juggle multiple women with ease. Yet, certain actions will be a little fishy and those are the signs you can pinpoint and investigate more. Let’s break down the signs…..

He is working out more…..

It seems odd that the couch-potato-video-game guy is now a gym rat

He is working late…..a lot…..

When you start cheating, you are creating a new life. Once you come home to explain where you have been, your go-to is work.

He hides his phone….

Some people are private in general with their phone. It’s mainly the attitude of being panicked around his phone or who is texting

He is projecting….

Once you realize how easy it is to cheat, it’s sort of a mind-f*ck. He might accuse you of cheating

He will start fights….

Weirdly, he still wants to be the good guy even though he is cheating. He wants the relationship to end in other ways, not him cheating

His mood will be different….

Something will be…..off. He might have guilt or fear he will be caught. Acting on edge and defensive will be common

Your friend comes across his dating profile….

He will probably deny that it is still active. This can happen after a big fight where he is dipping his toe in singleness, but has not cheated yet.

He has picked up new interests out of nowhere….

Suddenly he is obsessed with a new band or show. You have to wonder who introduced him to it. This can include sexual stuff. He might have a new move out of nowhere…again who introduced him to that. Any sexual change is a red flag even if more frequency seems like a positive thing

The other woman…..

Sometimes you could be the other woman and not know. You have to look out for excuses that do not make sense. On the flip side, you knowing he is cheating with you does not mean he likes you more. You shouldn’t feel more important than his main squeeze. If you happen to be his next girlfriend, be on your toes; he cheated with you so obviously he doesn’t view cheating as bad.

The biggest clue you are the other woman…..

Simple things like just meeting up are always ignored or canceled. There could be a total drop off in communication and then it suddenly gets picked up again. It’s feels like pulling teeth to just hang out and it’s always on his timetable. He might claim he works a 9-5 so he is only available at 11pm. Or he is just a “night owl.” You feel he is interested, he is the first one to watch your stories, yet you are always confused why he doesn’t text more or want to meet up. It comes down to your gut feeling. Some guys who have girlfriends still like to flirt and get the ego stroked. He probably feels meeting will cross the line, yet digital stuff is fair game.

Bottom Line….

Women and men cheat differently, yet sometimes men can emotionally cheat as well. At the end of the day, needs are not being met. Maybe you have discussed problems with no solution. It’s always better to end things rather than cheat. It’s not fair to your partner. Plus the trauma of being cheated on will follow you and not let you trust anyone in the future. Leave your partner better than you found them.

Picking a Friends With Benefits

There is an episode of the show “30 Rock” titled “Stride of Pride.” In the episode it breaks down the concept of the type of people you date and keep in your “dating triangle.” The show calls the “friends with benefits” (FWB) “the sex idiot,” implying you are going for looks, but no substance. To me, there is more to it than that. When you have found yourself in a casual phase, it’s best to know who would make a great partner. Yet, there should be a vetting process of who can fill that slot. Let’s check off those boxes…..

He is in a transitional stage or travels a lot…..

He is getting his masters or PhD and the last thing he wants is to commit. He plans on moving away once he graduates. Or he has a fairly demanding job where he might travel.

He likes you more than you like him…..

Your phone will blow up from him fairly often and you don’t have to sacrifice your schedule and plans to see him. He is willing to bend his schedule just to see you.

You are fine with never hanging in public…..

There might have been dates in the beginning. You probably tried it, but realized he was bad in public. I dated a guy who I felt I couldn’t take anywhere because of how bizarre he would act in restaurants, the way he ordered food, used expired coupons, and flagged down the hostess for water every five minutes. However, you can still have the occasional meet up to switch things up. The home base should be his place.

He has his own place in town…..

Convenience is key! Do not travel two hours in traffic to see him. It’s best for him to play host so you can leave whenever you feel like it. Panic cleaning your bathroom when he wants to swing by on a whim is not fun.

Make sure you are enjoying your stay…..

In my experience, when the relationship is bedroom buddies, make sure that bedroom is decked out. Stop putting up with air-mattress guy. Give yourself a reason to go over. He might live in a fun area, have a beautiful balcony, a well-crafted bar cart…. you get it.

Let’s break down who you shouldn’t pick…..

Anyone is the middle of a divorce or break up…..

He is filling a very large void. The worst thing is he will use you as a free therapist and talk constantly about her. It’s not fair to you to work overtime just for a hook up.

He is disrespectful….

He treating you as a purchase is unacceptable. There should be gentlemen qualities even in casual, with no pressure to have unsafe sex or any acts you don’t want to participate in.

You are obsessed with him…..

Your diary shouldn’t be full of entries about him. You aren’t scheming about ways to become his girlfriend.

He doesn’t communicate well…..

With certain casual dynamics there might be zero texts, then out of the blue you find out he got a girlfriend. There needs to be check ins and clear intentions with no surprises. Not saying you should have a gab fest daily, but at least know where you stand.

He is somehow connected in your life…..

No co-workers, friend of a friend, or your aunt’s second cousin’s neighbor. When you have a paper trail and outsiders, it will cause pressure. Weirdly, they might ruin it by convincing you to be boyfriend / girlfriend. Some dynamics and timing are fine to leave as they are.

Bottom Line…..

Picking the right FWB is important. The goal is to treat it like what it’s meant to be….casual. You don’t dream about finally being together; there isn’t this weight of emotions. He is your stable person in an unpredictable dating landscape. However, be prepared for sudden change when one of you gets into a relationship. Have respect for each other and be mindful of the other person’s health and emotions.