First Ever Relationships: Setting The Right Tone

This time of year, I like to reflect back to my school days and the choices that shaped who I am today. The first boyfriend in high school sets the tone for every relationship after. When you are treated like sh*t, that is what is going to be familiar to you. A first of anything is tricky since you have no frame of reference to compare. Any girl entering high school should be more cautious. How your dating journey starts really does matter. Here are types of boys to avoid….

The “way way older guy”….

Obviously a young girl wants to seem adventurous and brag to her friends that an older boy likes her. Although when you realize how much of a loser he is and manipulative, then you’d think twice. Any guy in college or even out-of-college-age guys cannot get girls their own age. He is taking advantage of naive girls who think that his playing in a garage band and working at Taco Bell is cool. He isn’t cool and he probably expects sex, and pressures you to do whatever he tells you. He likes to play puppet master, because you don’t know any better and being seen as mature trumps your safety or well-being.

The “parents-are-going-through-a-divorce guy”….

It’s pretty common for parents to decide to divorce by the time the children are in high school. The kids are old enough to be ok, plus they will be going across the county for college in a year or two anyway. So a lot of kids in high school go through it. It still puts a dramatic energy onto the guy. He is trying to deal with emotions and go through a “love isn’t real” stage, even if he doesn’t say that. He might be extremely moody and distant and not treat a girlfriend well just for karmic revenge.

The “he’s-too-cool-for-school guy”….

Yea, everyone loves a bad boy. These types will have their day in the sun, but not as a first boyfriend. He will be neglectful, selfish, and prioritize his interests or friends over anything. He will most likely expect a physical relationship sooner than you would want or be ready for. If you refuse or put up boundaries, he will be cruel and make you feel ugly or weird.

The “jock-who-has-to-put-you-down because he is an insecure guy”….

Doesn’t always have to be a jock, but someone who has a lot of pressure to perform. He could be Mr. Popular, class president , head of the drama department, etc, and has a reputation to uphold. This can result in him making sure you don’t embarrass him and can look good on his arm. His behavior results in being extremely controlling and wanting to know your every move.

The “class clown guy”….

So, any guy who is the “jokester” of the group is not the guy to be your first boyfriend. Sure, sometimes humor can actually be funny, but I am willing to bet he is a snarky, sarcastic guy who loves to make fun of everyone in his path, including you.

So who is the guy you should date?….

You are going to have many boyfriends. In high school, you think this is the only guy who will like you. It’s not true and it’s crucial to be with a sweet, caring guy. He is probably the guy who is just a guy. He doesn’t have immense social pressure to be cool, but also isn’t being shoved into a locker everyday. It will set the tone for knowing what a healthy relationship is. He has to listen to your needs and not try to push your boundaries until they break. You don’t have to be head over heels in love, you just need to be respected. He should not put your safety or well-being at risk.

Bottom Line….

High school will be your first long-term relationship; it can even last all four years. It’s important to choose wisely, or don’t choose at all and wait until college. It’s important at a young age to set a tone and know what a healthy dynamic feels like. You will be accustomed to the pace and feeling. It’s not going to be a crazy wild ride, of hot and cold. The sooner you get used to a drama-free relationship, then probably the sooner you can settle down and marry the right guy.

Back To School: Roomie Expectations

When going off to college, you will be introduced to living with a roommate. There will be bumps along the way to say the least. I am going to break down the types of roommates out there and how to navigate dealing with tricky roommates starting from college and beyond. What can you expect freshman year?…..

Communicate before the move-in day…..

Your college will give your their contact info. Back in the olden days when I went to college we found each other on Facebook. Open up a stream of communication, feel out the vibes, and talk logistics. Who will have the mini fridge, TV, coffee maker, etc.

Don’t treat her like your BFF….

The ideal relationship is that you will be on good terms. Don’t treat her like a bestie because you will need to lay down boundaries. It is too easy to let things slide when you are trying to impress someone. Make sure everything is fair and square with how the room is set up. Don’t let her take over the room. Be cautious with shared items such as the TV or mini fridge. It could be taken away from you if there is a fight. So beware of petty behavior. My old roommate loved leaving passive-aggressive post-it notes on the microwave. If you are living in a style where you have your own room and a shared living room / kitchen then buy your own mini-fridge and tv for your bedroom. You don’t want to fight about your roommate eating your leftovers.

Expect there will be conflict….

In the first year of college everyone is trying to adjust and fit in. People will be high on stress. Don’t take too many things personally, especially when you get ignored. Everyone needs a safe haven to go and sleep and decompress after class. Give each other space, but don’t let her make you feel awkward to be in your own room.

Be careful who you vent to…..

The rumor mill is not your friend. You don’t want her to think you are talking sh*t about her around campus. Be careful of private journals as well. It might not be smart to have a notebook someone could go though. Don’t bring anything valuable or sentimental with you to the dorm. Invest in a lock box if needed to store things under the bed. Your roommate might not be a thief, but dorms tend to be wide-open to friends dropping by, etc. Keep your stuff safe.

5 things to have for the dorm…..

1. Noise-canceling headphones – It can help you in the dorm when she is talking on her phone loudly and you have a deadline.

2. Eye mask – Napping is essential

3. First Aid and medicine kit – You might get sick out of nowhere. Pepto and aspirin will be a lifesaver, but be prepared with bandaids and cold medicine, too.

4. Flip-flops for the shower – have a handy shower caddy with the essentials. Don’t bother with soap since it is messy. Get a bottle of bodywash and avoid buying a loofah or wash cloth ( too many germs).

5. A hidden snack box – have snacks for when the dining hall is closed or when pulling an all- nighter. Have snacks that will keep and are wrapped to stay fresh. Don’t tell your roommate about it so she won’t steal your food

5 Types of roommates…..

“The Never There Roommate” – The best roommate ever! This is an ideal roommate to have in any life stage, minus hunting them down to pay bills or rent.

“ The Always There Roommate” – This happens more in the male space where he only plays video games. But yea… there they are…

“ The Roommate With The Boyfriend” – He….is…always…there. It can get frustrating when you just want to watch TV in the living room – or your food gets eaten.

“The Messy Roommate”– In my experience, don’t create a Cold War–let her leave the dishes. Just clean up for her. I know this is unjust and not moral, but she isn’t going to clean. Have a discussion about common areas being clean, but you will have to pick up the slack in the kitchen and in the bathroom.

“The Social Roommate”– She brings the party back to the dorm / apartment. Try to swash this by discussing it day one. Be crystal clear you don’t want late-night visitors. If she continues to do it then you need to switch roommates or move out. (In a dorm situation get the RA involved).

Beyond College…..

In my experience, it isn’t the greatest idea to live with very good friends. There are probably people out there who have had a blast with their roommate / bestie from day one….I just feel it’s more likely it could tarnish your relationship. It is better to be able to spend time in your room alone without having to entertain her. It feels a lot better to visit your really good friend to get out of the apartment for a while versus being with her constantly. Things do change after you live with a person and she will show you her true colors.

Signing leases…..

It is best to be in a position to not be locked in. Don’t let her trick you into paying extra for anything (unless you have the master bedroom, etc). Try to not be the one who has all the stuff – it will be trickier to move out. Wait until your have your own place to spread out and have your specific white comfy couch- all that. If possible have a deadbolt installed on your bedroom door. You don’t want anyone rummaging though your things or sleeping in your bed when you are out of town.

Make sure you aren’t the bad roommate…..

If you are paying your rent on time, keeping clean, keeping quiet, and minding your own business, then you are a perfectly fine roommate. As far as private landlords go: Keep your complaints very professional, be gracious when things are fixed, and act like an adult. You may need their reference to move to another apartment.

Bottom Line…..

Roommates can be a nightmare. It is always better to go in with the right expectations and attitude. In my freshman year they stuffed three of us together in an open room. ( not including my roommate’s boyfriend who was the unofficial roommate). The main conflict is going to be with boys- hands down. When she gets a boyfriend or is sleeping around it will become annoying (walls are thin…). Lay down the law before the crime happens and don’t let things slide. Don’t be aggressive, but don’t be passive-aggressive either. Be clear, and firm with your communication. Think of your relationship with any roommate as you would a co-worker. Make sure you are a good roommate as well ( pay rent on time, don’t be loud, be clean, mind your own business). In any difficult relationship treat it as an exercise in communication and growing your social skills.

Boyfriend Material

Most of us have probably agreed to be exclusive with the wrong guy. We always regret going off the market and shutting ourselves off from other men. When you are young there needs to be an exploratory time when you figure out what type of guy works for you. College is a great time to have a relationship under your belt. As we age, years fly by and we need to be careful of not getting stuck in a toxic loop with the wrong person. If you have reached a time in your life that you won’t settle for any guy who asks….It’s time to recognize who is ready to commit and who isn’t. Now onto the requirements….

Is he out of school?…..

A man is never ready to be serious if he is in school. He will never have time for you and will always put you last. When you still cling to this guy he will probably continue to sleep with you and then dump you once he has that nice paying job. Are there exceptions to this?…. sure, yet it’s a risky gamble with your time.

Speaking of a nice paying job….

Does he have a nice place to live, car, career? He will always say it’s the wrong time when he lacks these things. Once he is at a good point in his life, he is looking for the prize. You can’t get those years back when you thought being helpful would win him in the end…. It won’t. A nice place to live is also relative. He could have a one-bedroom apartment close to town, not a mansion in the Hollywood Hills.

Does he respect your needs?….

Are you always on his schedule? Does he not put you into consideration with anything in his life? This is a big deal. Some men only want to treat you like a pet. He needs to see you as a human being and respect your boundaries and needs.

Is he a provider?….

He needs to make you feel taken care of. It doesn’t always mean being a provider with money. What happens when you are sick with a cold? Do you just receive a text or does he come over with soup and medicine?

Is he supportive of your dreams?….

Maybe you want to start a vegan cupcake shop. Does he have a supportive ear, or does he only bring up the cons? Men tend to want to fix and solve problems. Yet, if the tone is always discouraging, then it’s not helping you to move forward or get anything done. You need supportive people around.

How does he spend his money?….

No one wants a cheap boyfriend, and on the flip side, no one wants a big spender either. There needs to be a balance and healthy money habits.

What are his vices?….

Everyone has vices. We all have healthy coping mechanisms and unhealthy ones. Some people lean more on unhealthy coping. It can be a problem that to unwind he drinks a bottle of Jack and blacks out every weekend. Pay attention to how he deals with stress.

Does he have road rage?….

This might seem like a little thing, but do you dig your nails into the dashboard every time he drives. His disregard of not trying to keep you safe is alarming.

How does he fight?….

Are you always “the bitch” to him? Some people have zero emotional intelligence and just want to win no matter the cost. He might like fighting for fighting’s sake, or refuse to talk anything out and ignore you for a week. An argument should be constructive and fair. You both should solve the issue and be heard.

How does he make you feel overall?….

Does he always manage to stress you out or peer-pressure you? A partner should make you feel balanced and calm in a stressful situation. Of course, there will be times when there is a random fight or two. Check in with your gut. When you leave the date or his apartment, do you feel better than before, or do you feel amped and stressed?

Does he answer “your bid”?….

“The Gottman Institute” has some great resources for signs your partner is right or wrong for you. The biggie is called “the bid.” An example they use is, “Hey, look at that woodpecker in our yard!” Does he barely shift his gaze from his phone or does he get up and look out the window? One of the signs a couple will divorce is if the bid is not answered.

You heard rumors he has a wondering eye….

Being warned, or hearing though the grapevine that he is a player….listen. It’s probably true and he will deny it just to save face. It’s actually really easy to cheat and lie.

Are you both on the same page about what a relationship is?…..

Some guys call their friends-with-benefits their “girlfriend,” even though it’s purely a sex-based relationship with maybe take-out Chinese food here and there. This might sound shocking, but there are guys who don’t understand what true commitment is ( or they pretend not to). If “the talk” is brought up, ask what being exclusive means and let him speak first. You might be surprised what he has to say and realize you are on two entirely different wavelengths.

Bottom Line…..

Before you decide on becoming exclusive, think about what life stage he is in. It is true that at a certain age, men’s “cab light” turns on ( a la “Sex and the City”). He decides that now is the time to commit. He is done with school; everything is stable. When you are navigating your 20s, it’s normal to have a sampling of boyfriends to figure out your taste. Just don’t let that go on with one person past a year. When you reach your 30s, there needs to be more of a vetting process. Adult dating is having the freedom to simply shop around and date. You shouldn’t feel pressure from your parents, friends, or the guy wanting to be your boyfriend. Pay attention to the details before you make the leap to commitment.

The Caged Bird: Should You Be Tamed For A Man?

There has been a ton of commentary on the Jonah Hill scandal this week. I am sure, like all celebrity gossip goes, it will be yesterday’s news next week. However, it did bring me to some evergreen issues that do come up in dating. For anyone who does not know, Jonah Hill’s ex- of two years ago, aired their private text exchange to the internet. It showed how Jonah weaponized therapy-speak to control his then-girlfriend. As an example, she is a professional surfer / model. His insecurity brought out mean and it’s-my-way-or-the-highway verbiage. Every podcast in my rotation has brought up their take. I picked up what is called “The Madonna / Whore Complex.” This is when a man is attracted to the salacious woman who is beautiful and sends thirst traps. Yet, when he gets the girl, he needs to cage the wild bird. How can you avoid a man who views women in such a black and white way?…..

What he is attracted to will become the biggest fight….

How he found you will usually worry him once he gets you. He might have sent a DM slide with a fire emoji with a pic of you in a bikini. Then his insecurities will set in where he will think every guy could pull that move.

Why playing hard to get can be in your favor…..

I briefly dated a guy from India. We had discussions about the differences in culture from America. The topic of dating came up and he said that in India the woman always turns down a man three separate times before agreeing to a date. In our modern American culture women tend to feel pressure to “help a guy out” and let him have the green light to ask her out. We view men as shy and not capable of showing a girl he likes her. In reality, a grown man, even if shy, will figure out a way to impress the girl he really likes. It is a reminder not to be so accommodating.

You don’t have to be tamed…..

If you want to be a free spirit, then do it! Unfortunately, the majority of men will eventually want to domesticate you. That is the pitfall of getting into an exclusive relationship.

Clean up your self-image if desired…..

This is for the girl who either doesn’t realize how she is coming across, or is sick being shoved into the hook-up box. It is never a bad idea to take down the pics of you with a red solo cup in a bikini top. You might want to think of future employers as well. Any drunk pics or inside jokes, yet unflattering captions or photos should be deleted. Not to say you shouldn’t showcase your personality; just air on the side of classy. Same thing goes for in-person how you look or speak. You might want to stop cussing like a sailor and wearing cut-off daisy dukes.

Dating goes in phases…..

It is perfectly ok to change your mind or your lifestyle. Outsiders will try to push you to remain the same if it benefits them. Your true friends will encourage you to drink less and go back to school. As far as dating, it is perfectly ok to find yourself, get messy, and date any man you desire. There will come a time where you want a guy that suits you and then you can cross that bridge when you get to it. But no shame in remaining the wild child, own it!

Bottom Line…..

A man is attracted to the wild woman until she becomes the girlfriend. There will be sacrifices you will have to make in a relationship. Jonah’s points and requests were a little extreme, however, there is a nugget of truth in them. No one wants to date a person who is stumbling in at 4am. Men like to provide and protect and mold a woman into someone they can be useful towards. The woman who met her man while doing shots at last call will be questioned and judged later on. Insecurities will creep in about how easy you were to get. Long-term, it is a better strategy to be a challenge. However, if you are a wild child and refuse to be anything different, then own it. Be you.

Practical Magic: How To Keep A Door Cracked

A lot of my strings have be snipped for me within a week. Two people, whom I was seeing, had to move, one for a job and one for school. In an instant, you are back to being strangers and having to pretend everything is cool. It’s all about the lessons and experience, right? The micro- casual breakups are tricky because you have to set firm boundaries for yourself. With the world of social media, your ex-lover can orbit you for the next century. Is it best to be practical in such casual relationships or should we leave the door cracked?……

Do some housecleaning first…..

When you are fresh off a separation, you don’t want a daily reminder he didn’t chose you. Mute, delete, hide from your story. You know the drill. It is important to not let him orbit you out of boredom. If he truly wants to “keep in touch,” then let him send a DM.

Life is short and life is long…..

The paradox of dating is that timing usually matters. There are situations where you have a “meet cute” then five years later you reconnect and start dating. It can be dangerous when you are holding your breath for that type of outcome. If you can stomach it, then leave a little form of communication open, and forget about it. It is mainly a case of “if he wanted to he would have” with a clause of “bad timing.”

Always be moving forward….

“Onto the next” has been my dating (and “The Rules” mantra) for a while. You can tire yourself out on the “why’s” and the “what if’s.” Trust in the universe that something better is already on its way. Your stagnant energy and looking back will only attract that stale vibe.

Men work hard for the women they want…..

In my life, I have seen my friends’ boyfriends move across the country and even to an entirely new country for them. When a man is serious, he is willing to do things like that. If he isn’t that into you, he will say “it’s not practical,” “don’t move for me,” “I need to put my career first.”

In a casual relationship he will never put you as a priority….

You cannot expect to get your situationship to make you his priority. Even if you have been seeing each other for years. Time in casual means absolutely nothing to him. Remember the “ten-year guy”? When a casual breakup happens, kiss it goodbye and do not look back.

Bottom Line…..

All breakups can be hard. It is an adjustment in your schedule and maybe you did dream about one day being chosen. It is wiser to be practical in casual situations. You can tell how a man really feels when life gets in the way. He might have to move for a job, school, or family. A man who doesn’t want to lose you knows that if he backs out, he is risking you moving on and never being with him again. In any casual arrangement, you already knew that from the beginning and now the meter has run out. Don’t put money in a broken meter. Create boundaries for yourself and do not allow him to distract you from your healing.

Beige Flags: Be A River Not A Lake

I just heard of the term “beige flags,” which, in short, is not an obvious red flag or a green flag. It is the little human quirks that can grate on us all the time. These quirks could rust out the relationship. We have to understand that we can be annoying and get repetitive when we spend more and more time together. Are beige flags preventable? How can we not be the “ball and chain” in a relationship?…..

Don’t rush a relationship….

Biologically, women want to race to the finish line to feel secure and settled. When you don’t take a beat you are not allowing yourself to be in the courting phase which is arguably the best part of the relationship.

Have your own hobbies…..

I remember in high school I had a friend who worked at the mall in a shoe store. When he got a girlfriend, she would literally sit in a chair throughout his entire shift. Whether it was trust issues or not having a life, it was alarming. It felt like she was a parole officer. It is best to have your own interests and hobbies that you can do separately from each other.

Don’t abandon your friends….

In a new relationship, it’s normal to block out the world and spend every moment together. I have been on the other side as the friend, where you are completely abandoned and left in the cold. It is hard to come back to the friendship once your friends have adjusted and moved on.

Resist moving in or staying over all the time….

When you play house all the time it’s harder to get an actual commitment. Once it goes belly up, you have invested too much and will feel too scared to start over. When you live with the wrong person or out of convenience, it will ruin you for the next healthy relationship.

Be a river not a lake….

You should always be learning and growing. Conversations feel stagnate when no new information is coming in. Couples get to a boring place when nothing new or exciting is happening. It is important to still date and experience new things together.

Have a shared interest…..

It could as simple as hiking. It is important to get off the couch and to do an activity together. You need to get in the fresh air and bond. Watching a tv show together is a bonus but should not be the only thing going on.

Bottom Line…..

Every relationship can plateau into something mundane. Most expects encourage “date nights” and to live your own life. Some couples are extremely close depending on attachment styles. The avoidant attachment is more likely to notice the “beige flags” and the “ick” because it is an exit strategy. One minor thing can turn a benign beige flag into a red flag. Humans crave novelty and although comfort and security can be wonderful, there needs to be a little spice added. Having your own life, friends, dreams is going to let you bring those fruitful conversations to the table. Be a river, not a lake.

“Feral Girl Summer”: How To Be Unbothered

There is a lot of buzz about “Feral Girl Summer,” which has become a trend that essentially means doing your own thing without worrying what society thinks. The Urban Dictionary definition states: “Feral Girl Summer is about ditching the pricey workout wear and not worrying when you last shaved your legs. The feral girl is too busy ‘wreaking havoc’ for that – she’s out drinking, dancing on tables, saying embarrassing things to guys, and subsisting on a diet of toast and takeaways because she’s too busy having fun to cook.” The freedom of throwing on some shorts and an oversized tee shirt sans makeup and chowing down on tacos with your girlfriends is unmatched. I do preach looking presentable in public and trying to look pulled together, although if you are in a phase where you are just wanting to enjoy your time with friends, it can be liberating to not have to look perfect 24/7. How can you enjoy a feral girl summer and what mindset should you be in?…..

Dress up when you want to only….

I remember a few years back the singer Alicia Keys hit a wall with wearing makeup. She was tired of the two hours in the glam chair before shoots and events. So, she simply stated she isn’t going to be forced to wear makeup. There is immense pressure to look dolled up even just going to a grocery store. It should be your choice and time and place to look pretty.

Will you become invisible?….

Yes. Once you dress down and just show up unbothered you will experience the power of invisibility. This can be peaceful if you are just trying to go about your day. It will feel more meaningful when you dress up for going out to the bars.

Summer is the time for no agenda…..

You will probably be traveling more and having more free time. It is a good idea to not put pressure on other people. It is the opposite of cuffing season. This is the time to build up your social circle.

Take a dating app pause…..

It is much better to take an intentional dating app break and push yourself to meet people in person. Say yes to travel and local events in your town. Or just go out solo to a concert or karaoke and let people come up and chat with you.

Be bold and wild…..

I talk about the vacation mindset. It is a state of being when you need to seize the day and do extra. Not saying you should shoot your shot with every guy, but be a little more flirty. You can do it in a mild way and compliment the bartender or barista. Have more of a saucy vibe about yourself and not get caught up in if he likes you back or not.

Bottom Line…..

“Feral Girl Summer” is a rebellious attitude and puts your needs first. As women, we are pressured to look like we are about to go to the Oscars for even a quick errand. Not saying that you should not try to look polished, but save it for a time where you feel like getting noticed. Focus your attention on friendships, travel, and yourself. It can be a perfect time to meet people in person and give a lasting impression. The apps should be paused and not used as validation or a crutch. Most important, is not to stress over little dating dramas. If he wants to be with you, let him do the work and have an unbothered attitude.

How To Host A Summer Singles Mixer

For anyone still in college this is a no brainer. There are mixers and get-togethers every weekend. It gets trickier when you no longer have a strong network. I put on a Valentine’s Day singles mixer in my town. I felt it took a lot of planning with a mildly successful result. Like any endeavor, it was a learning experience. For anyone with a large group of friends who hosts on a regular basis, help your single pals out! Summer is a perfect time to get people together and mingling. What are some tips for a successful homemade mixer?…..

Don’t bother with a venue…..

If you have a great connection with a bar who will help you out for free, then go for it. The main pitfall I wasted time on was waiting to be answered on an email. Guess what, no one replied. I had to finagle a day with a limited amount of time. So just save yourself a headache and ask a friend with a great house to host.

Send out a flyer invite….

You can create a flyer and do a private story in Instagram for friends. The best case is word of mouth through a social and well-connected friend. They can ask their friends to bring a friend or two and so on.

Bonus points if there is an apartment pool…..

For summer, there needs to be incentive to come out. A nice pool-day casual cook-out is hard to turn down.

The Solo Cups….

This is a great and simple way to let people know who is available. Pick different color solo cups to mean different things. Red could mean “relationship,” green could be “single.” And it can be that simple if you want it. They can also write their name with a sharpie on the cup.

Have a great playlist or live music….

Ask your music friend to DJ. Or just pick a great mix on Spotify. In the past, my friend, who hosts parties, made sure for noise ordinance that everything had to be acoustic live music. This gave a cozy intimate vibe for the party.

As the host, do a few introductions…..

Get in the habit of saying, “have you met…..” Make the rounds and get people chatting.

Have food, but don’t overthink it…..

Unless this is a cookout with the obvious stuff to grill, then don’t think too hard. Most people aren’t wanting to walk around with a tiny paper plate. Spend more on the drinks and then maybe provide little bite-sized things they can just pick up and eat. (Have vegan options just in case).

Get the people involved…..

When things are feeling great and people are mingling, you might not have to do anything. As a backup, have a game people can play. I created my own “F*ck, marry, Kill”, “never have I ever” cards. I made them in the program Canva and printed them out with a card stock. It’s fun to make up your own. You can also purchase a similar “never have I ever” card game. Or with just a deck of cards you can play the drinking game “circle of death.” Just be flexible and do not force a game on people who are already enjoying themselves. If possible set up a beer pong table in the back yard or porch for people.

Bottom Line…..

As a single person it is a relief to do an event that is fun and does not involve the apps. In the summer it is a no brainer to have get-togethers, especially when there is a pool involved. A good host has a great location to host and can do some good introductions. People are hungry to meet new people and to have a good time. Don’t put so much emphasis on things that matter very little. Who knows, this could become a regular thing that people look forward to.

Should You Give Feedback In Dating?

Our society loves a review. We will Yelp our favorite restaurant and give an Amazon item five stars. But is it the right thing to review a person? Dan Savage, the columnist and podcaster, goes by the “campground rule” for relationships, which is, “leave it better than you found it.” It could be interpreted as to correct them. I see it more as to not traumatize them or break their self-worth. When you are in a heated moment, you are tempted to spew out why you are breaking up and all their faults. Should we ever give feedback in dating?….

Overcorrection….

My biggest reason to not review a person is because of “overcorrection.” You might hate a behavior, however, the next person could be obsessed with it. For example, you could hate that he or she is overly communicative, but an average healthy person would expect that. You have to understand that you might be the toxic one and it is unfair to break a person down to meet your level.

Any criticism is remembered…..

As humans, we will only remember the negative. This is to protect us from further harm and it is our ego protecting us. When you absorb that feedback it will impact future relationships. We create limiting beliefs from outsiders’ opinions. This can be a problem when you want to wipe the slate clean and get back out there.

What if he/she asks for it?….

This can be a trick and should be proceeded with caution. Some people do want to improve for the next relationship and probably deserve an explanation if they were blindsided. But beyond cheating or something very obvious, there might not be a reason. Some relationships simply don’t make the cut to the more serious level. This is nothing personal, it truly is a matter of not fitting. You can only really give the generic, “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup sometimes. It is better to say something if they cannot move on without an explanation.

Adding insult to injury….

There might be “icks” that come up in relationships. You can be turned off by the tiniest thing and then see that person in a different light. For example, there could be the guy who clears his throat after every sentence, or the girl who eats all your fries when she said she wasn’t hungry. You have to think if they can change these things and how much they bother you. Remember everyone comes with quirks and most are already aware of them. It is difficult to rewire a brain to stop doing impulsive actions.

Would you want someone to change you?….

“Love me at my worst” is a problematic saying. The sentiment is sort of true….we are not perfect. There will be days when you are not your best. And to be be judged like you are a contestant on a reality show is brutal. People who love to give feedback see themselves as superior. It is easier to correct others than to look inward.

You don’t want to become their dating guru….

In general terms, when a man wants feedback after a breakup they might treat you like an unpaid dating coach. It is hard to open up the floodgates of giving someone a nugget of feedback when all of the sudden you become his “wing man.” Some people really want answers and it can become exhausting. It would seem annoying to mold a man into this great guy only to give him to the next girl.

What if a pattern is forming….

If you are receiving the same generic feedback and everyone breaks up with you, then you are the problem. Notice actions and patterns over words. It is best to go inward and really examine what you could be doing wrong. If you are still having issues pinning it down, go to an unbiased friend who can be straight with you. Friends do recognize what you are doing wrong, yet are afraid to voice opinions to avoid conflict.

Bottom Line…..

We are used to giving feedback and touting our two cents with product reviews or giving friends advice. It feels natural to mold a person into the perfect partner. Sure, you could do the “compliment sandwich” if it’s a tiny thing you want to change. It is hard to erase a behavior that is ingrained. You can’t change how a person sneezes or laughs. You probably wouldn’t want someone to come in and “strip you for parts” either. Most relationships run out of gas and have no definitive reason why they don’t work. Mostly, it is because they do not fit right with goals or family/friends, etc. Most importantly, it is crucial for you to recognize patterns of the rejections. If you can’t figure it out, a close friend will know. Finally, keep the rule of thumb to “leave them better than you found them.”

Dating App Tips For Men Who Are Not Matching

The apps can be hard to navigate no matter who you are, but…it is overwhelmingly easier for women. Getting matches and dates only require a woman to look halfway decent in the photos. Most guys will play the numbers game and match with everyone and then sort though them later. Yes, pretty privilege is real for all the sexes. Anyone will get more of a response when you look attractive. However, an average Joe can use some strategy to get noticed. What are a few changes that can be made to increase matching on the apps?….

Your first photo is your most important….

Think about how swiping works. It happens in lightening speed and all decisions are made from the first pic. When the photo is too far away and not an attention grabber you will easily be swiped aside. Not to say you should look like a model, but it should make her stop for a second. This can do with the location, pose, or clothing. Try to step out of a typical car selfie.

Bio ….

When you leave things blank, its “sus” and when you say the wrong thing, it’s “cringe.” It can be seen as a f-boy move to only have pics of you in the gym with no bio. The worst thing you should do is have the attitude that you are above the apps. I see a ton of guys saying the app is stupid, etc. Negativity in any form will halt any connections.

Prompts….

This can get hard to convey your personality. Women want a funny man who doesn’t take himself too seriously. However, all the prompts should not be seen as a “joke.” It is important to pepper in info about yourself briefly in an intriguing package. Speak in story not facts, meaning paint a picture, even when it’s a sentence.

Get an outside opinion….

Ask your female friends or sister, etc, to glance at your profile. You might be surprised how you are coming off. Like I said, the order of your photos really matters and can make or break if she swipes right. Also, inconsistencies can really hurt your chances with “kitten fishing” (photos from you playing high school baseball to now). Keep a timeline in the present. Your photos on the apps should not be older than two years.

Lead with your strengths…

You have to think what women are looking for in a partner. At the base level, she wants you to be independent and have some financial security. Having your sh*t together can really help you in the long run. Not saying you should be bragging about how you invested in Crypto. It is important to take advantage of the basic info where it says what college you went to or your occupation. You don’t have to put your job on blast, but you can communicate what industry you are in.

Think about what women are attracted to, not men….

Women can make this mistake as well. They make a profile that she would love, not men. (Maybe her prompts are too snarky and she is not emphasizing her photos). Always take your audience into consideration. Women are interested in what you have to say and if you have a personality. Bonus points if you have extra-curricular activities like being in a band or soccer team. Make sure your photos look good, yet effortless. Having a professional head shot can look stiff and make your look too serious and not sexy. Not to say you shouldn’t have quality photos. Just avoid any photos where it looks like a school photographer took it or having the appearance of a passport photo.

Humor can be hard to convey….

The whole article has been about being seen as funny and having a personality. I do want to be clear what that actually means. I see “my love language is sarcasm” too much. I understand you don’t want to be seen as “the nice guy.” It is hard to capture if you are truly a lovable a**hole, or just a jerk. The tone should be more silly and playful since it gives off positive vibes. You can be witty and smart without being negative.

Bottom Line….

The stats out there are only a minority of men get all the matches. Yes, appearance matters, however women can fall in love with a personality more than men can. If you are smart and funny, then lead with that. Make an effort to pick the right prompts that will bring out your humor or personality. Having a job and cool hobbies is a strength. Even if you are into nerdy stuff, there are nerdy girls out there who will connect with that. Try to switch things up, and most importantly, make sure your first pic is a show-stopper. Do not despair if things are still not clicking after you make changes. The apps are on their way out and in-person will be become more of the trend again. Try your best to not spend all day on the apps. Practice being social and gain more 2nd- and 3rd-tier friends. Your network will lead to more authentic connections that matter more than how many matches you get.