Why You Need To Delete The Dating Apps

Have I always felt this way?…No. I have said before that I forecasted the trend that dating apps will soon be outdated. I see the rise in dating mixers, speed-dating, and set-ups. In the past few years, I have noticed the shift of the apps completely turning into a man’s candy store. It does not favor women since men treat the apps like an escort catalogue. I decided to delete the apps for a full month. My detox has given me precious time back to focus on me again. Why should you delete the dating apps and what can you do instead?…..

The illusion of “saving time”…..

This was the big sell with the apps. The problem is you are still going on dates where he is seeing you in person for the first time. There are too many expectations and disappointments once you get face-to-face.

The gamification of the apps…..

The creators of the apps made it so you would enjoy swiping and getting into a gambling mindset. You want to keep swiping until you match with a better-looking person. Recently, the word has gotten out that apps are gatekeeping and will only show certain matches behind a pay wall.

How distracting they can be…..

Yes, you can limit yourself and be intentional. However, you are still spending time on it. When I deleted the apps, I became extremely productive and focused. When you replace swiping with a side hustle….it’s a better trade off.

It deters you from going out…..

You might feel more inclined to sit on your couch and swipe when you could have gotten dressed and met up with friends. Or worse, you are out with friends with your head buried in your phone.

You lose in your in-person social skills….

When you don’t use it, you lose it. Being social and charming is a muscle. When you are used to silent messaging, you are not practicing body language, tone, and reading-between-the-lines.

What can you do instead…..

I have said before that mixers and speed-dating need to be utilized. The mistake I made pre-apps was going out to bars hunting for men. You need to be intentional about the location of where you will be seen to better quality men – not f-boys. It is best to get out of your comfort zone and look your best. Join a meet-up group, co-ed soccer team, art class, etc. The set up can be a set back since it is too similar to the apps, although it can be a part of your game plan. Getting your face out there and making a great impression will save you time in the long run. When a guy approaches you in the wild, you will know he saw you and was attracted. A matchmaker can be a little dicey and not worth the money, unless you come from a culture that benefits from matchmaking and it is the norm. However, if it is a low price and seems like a deal, then give it a whirl.

Bottom Line….

Do it now…delete all your dating apps! At least, give it a trial period and after a month see how you feel. (Unless you only want hook-ups, then stick to the apps for that). For anyone who is tired of casual and wants to be treated with more respect, then get out of your comfort zone. Don’t be embarrassed to try speed-dating or a mixer. Make a point to go to a dating event twice a month. Maximize the experience by getting a blowout at a salon, get your makeup done professionally, and wear a great outfit. Most importantly, bring your smile and welcoming body language.

Calling Dibs Vs. Girl Code

In high school, my mindset was that when I called dibs on a guy, it would prevent him from pursuing my friends. I figured my friends would put in a good word and persuade him to date me…. In reality, a guy is going to like who he likes. You giving off a desperate energy will lead him right to your cute friend. I even think it isn’t wise to announce your crush to the group chat. Your friends might mean well, but they could ruin it for you by telling your crush and making it obvious. Everyone has had a girlfriend who wants to beat the system by claiming all the eligible men. She will claim it is against “girl code” to chat with her crush. What is the difference between “girl code” and “calling dibs” and what is asking for too much?……

What really is “girl code”…..

A rule of thumb is that when she has actually dated the guy, then do your best to leave him be. It is trashy to date her leftovers. You are always better to keep the peace with your friend. It tarnishes your reputation of not being a “girl’s girl.” This includes cheating with her boyfriend or even flirting with her current boyfriend or ex.

What is not “girl code”….

Here is the scenario…her crush has met her, has spoken to her, and has not pursued her. Sometimes, women will claim a guy for eternity so she doesn’t get hurt when he likes her friend more. Calling dibs really is hoarding men and preventing other people to find love. Sure, give her a chance at first and see if the guy is actually interested. There should be a cutoff when he has chosen not to date her.

How calling dibs comes across to men….

You are treating him like the prize when it should be the other way around. The word will get around that you have a crush on him. Your friends will be rolling their eyes once you leave the room. It doesn’t make you look confident or trusting fate that there is a perfect guy for you.

Why girl code is important…..

Crushes, and guys in general, should take more of a back seat. Women tend to weave and bend for men and cancel girls night just because she got a last minute “U up” text. Continue to live your life and enjoy your girlfriends, especially when all of you are single.

You cause so much drama when you break girl code…..

Your drama and chaos will never get you what you truly want. The guy will think less of you and see you as a floozy, not someone who has class. Fighting over men is ridiculous because there are so many men out there. It can feel like the only men worth dating are in your small circle – I assure you other men exist. Change up your routine and go out more.

Stop thinking in scarcity and think in abundance…..

Both calling dibs and breaking girl code comes from scarcity. As I said, you are limiting yourself and thinking small. Go inward and appreciate how unique you are and what is attractive about you versus your friends. Every man has a type and there is a man who will appreciate you.

Bottom Line…..

Don’t let your friend calling dibs confuse what girl code is. In extreme cases, you need to set her straight and give her a reality check. Try to build up her self-worth and spend more quality time together. Make girls night sacred and too fun to miss out on. When she feels fulfilled, she is less likely to ditch the group to hook up in an empty parking lot with a F- boy. If you are the girl calling dibs, then ask yourself why you feel you need to hoard all the men. Some women get more of a rush by breaking girl code, such as flirting with a friend’s boyfriend or ex. Keep in mind a man who is willing to cheat will do it with anyone willing. You are not special or more beautiful than your friend. Keep your girlfriends close before they go off and get married. You can’t get the precious bonding and memories back.

First Ever Relationships: Setting The Right Tone

This time of year, I like to reflect back to my school days and the choices that shaped who I am today. The first boyfriend in high school sets the tone for every relationship after. When you are treated like sh*t, that is what is going to be familiar to you. A first of anything is tricky since you have no frame of reference to compare. Any girl entering high school should be more cautious. How your dating journey starts really does matter. Here are types of boys to avoid….

The “way way older guy”….

Obviously a young girl wants to seem adventurous and brag to her friends that an older boy likes her. Although when you realize how much of a loser he is and manipulative, then you’d think twice. Any guy in college or even out-of-college-age guys cannot get girls their own age. He is taking advantage of naive girls who think that his playing in a garage band and working at Taco Bell is cool. He isn’t cool and he probably expects sex, and pressures you to do whatever he tells you. He likes to play puppet master, because you don’t know any better and being seen as mature trumps your safety or well-being.

The “parents-are-going-through-a-divorce guy”….

It’s pretty common for parents to decide to divorce by the time the children are in high school. The kids are old enough to be ok, plus they will be going across the county for college in a year or two anyway. So a lot of kids in high school go through it. It still puts a dramatic energy onto the guy. He is trying to deal with emotions and go through a “love isn’t real” stage, even if he doesn’t say that. He might be extremely moody and distant and not treat a girlfriend well just for karmic revenge.

The “he’s-too-cool-for-school guy”….

Yea, everyone loves a bad boy. These types will have their day in the sun, but not as a first boyfriend. He will be neglectful, selfish, and prioritize his interests or friends over anything. He will most likely expect a physical relationship sooner than you would want or be ready for. If you refuse or put up boundaries, he will be cruel and make you feel ugly or weird.

The “jock-who-has-to-put-you-down because he is an insecure guy”….

Doesn’t always have to be a jock, but someone who has a lot of pressure to perform. He could be Mr. Popular, class president , head of the drama department, etc, and has a reputation to uphold. This can result in him making sure you don’t embarrass him and can look good on his arm. His behavior results in being extremely controlling and wanting to know your every move.

The “class clown guy”….

So, any guy who is the “jokester” of the group is not the guy to be your first boyfriend. Sure, sometimes humor can actually be funny, but I am willing to bet he is a snarky, sarcastic guy who loves to make fun of everyone in his path, including you.

So who is the guy you should date?….

You are going to have many boyfriends. In high school, you think this is the only guy who will like you. It’s not true and it’s crucial to be with a sweet, caring guy. He is probably the guy who is just a guy. He doesn’t have immense social pressure to be cool, but also isn’t being shoved into a locker everyday. It will set the tone for knowing what a healthy relationship is. He has to listen to your needs and not try to push your boundaries until they break. You don’t have to be head over heels in love, you just need to be respected. He should not put your safety or well-being at risk.

Bottom Line….

High school will be your first long-term relationship; it can even last all four years. It’s important to choose wisely, or don’t choose at all and wait until college. It’s important at a young age to set a tone and know what a healthy dynamic feels like. You will be accustomed to the pace and feeling. It’s not going to be a crazy wild ride, of hot and cold. The sooner you get used to a drama-free relationship, then probably the sooner you can settle down and marry the right guy.

Back To School: Roomie Expectations

When going off to college, you will be introduced to living with a roommate. There will be bumps along the way to say the least. I am going to break down the types of roommates out there and how to navigate dealing with tricky roommates starting from college and beyond. What can you expect freshman year?…..

Communicate before the move-in day…..

Your college will give your their contact info. Back in the olden days when I went to college we found each other on Facebook. Open up a stream of communication, feel out the vibes, and talk logistics. Who will have the mini fridge, TV, coffee maker, etc.

Don’t treat her like your BFF….

The ideal relationship is that you will be on good terms. Don’t treat her like a bestie because you will need to lay down boundaries. It is too easy to let things slide when you are trying to impress someone. Make sure everything is fair and square with how the room is set up. Don’t let her take over the room. Be cautious with shared items such as the TV or mini fridge. It could be taken away from you if there is a fight. So beware of petty behavior. My old roommate loved leaving passive-aggressive post-it notes on the microwave. If you are living in a style where you have your own room and a shared living room / kitchen then buy your own mini-fridge and tv for your bedroom. You don’t want to fight about your roommate eating your leftovers.

Expect there will be conflict….

In the first year of college everyone is trying to adjust and fit in. People will be high on stress. Don’t take too many things personally, especially when you get ignored. Everyone needs a safe haven to go and sleep and decompress after class. Give each other space, but don’t let her make you feel awkward to be in your own room.

Be careful who you vent to…..

The rumor mill is not your friend. You don’t want her to think you are talking sh*t about her around campus. Be careful of private journals as well. It might not be smart to have a notebook someone could go though. Don’t bring anything valuable or sentimental with you to the dorm. Invest in a lock box if needed to store things under the bed. Your roommate might not be a thief, but dorms tend to be wide-open to friends dropping by, etc. Keep your stuff safe.

5 things to have for the dorm…..

1. Noise-canceling headphones – It can help you in the dorm when she is talking on her phone loudly and you have a deadline.

2. Eye mask – Napping is essential

3. First Aid and medicine kit – You might get sick out of nowhere. Pepto and aspirin will be a lifesaver, but be prepared with bandaids and cold medicine, too.

4. Flip-flops for the shower – have a handy shower caddy with the essentials. Don’t bother with soap since it is messy. Get a bottle of bodywash and avoid buying a loofah or wash cloth ( too many germs).

5. A hidden snack box – have snacks for when the dining hall is closed or when pulling an all- nighter. Have snacks that will keep and are wrapped to stay fresh. Don’t tell your roommate about it so she won’t steal your food

5 Types of roommates…..

“The Never There Roommate” – The best roommate ever! This is an ideal roommate to have in any life stage, minus hunting them down to pay bills or rent.

“ The Always There Roommate” – This happens more in the male space where he only plays video games. But yea… there they are…

“ The Roommate With The Boyfriend” – He….is…always…there. It can get frustrating when you just want to watch TV in the living room – or your food gets eaten.

“The Messy Roommate”– In my experience, don’t create a Cold War–let her leave the dishes. Just clean up for her. I know this is unjust and not moral, but she isn’t going to clean. Have a discussion about common areas being clean, but you will have to pick up the slack in the kitchen and in the bathroom.

“The Social Roommate”– She brings the party back to the dorm / apartment. Try to swash this by discussing it day one. Be crystal clear you don’t want late-night visitors. If she continues to do it then you need to switch roommates or move out. (In a dorm situation get the RA involved).

Beyond College…..

In my experience, it isn’t the greatest idea to live with very good friends. There are probably people out there who have had a blast with their roommate / bestie from day one….I just feel it’s more likely it could tarnish your relationship. It is better to be able to spend time in your room alone without having to entertain her. It feels a lot better to visit your really good friend to get out of the apartment for a while versus being with her constantly. Things do change after you live with a person and she will show you her true colors.

Signing leases…..

It is best to be in a position to not be locked in. Don’t let her trick you into paying extra for anything (unless you have the master bedroom, etc). Try to not be the one who has all the stuff – it will be trickier to move out. Wait until your have your own place to spread out and have your specific white comfy couch- all that. If possible have a deadbolt installed on your bedroom door. You don’t want anyone rummaging though your things or sleeping in your bed when you are out of town.

Make sure you aren’t the bad roommate…..

If you are paying your rent on time, keeping clean, keeping quiet, and minding your own business, then you are a perfectly fine roommate. As far as private landlords go: Keep your complaints very professional, be gracious when things are fixed, and act like an adult. You may need their reference to move to another apartment.

Bottom Line…..

Roommates can be a nightmare. It is always better to go in with the right expectations and attitude. In my freshman year they stuffed three of us together in an open room. ( not including my roommate’s boyfriend who was the unofficial roommate). The main conflict is going to be with boys- hands down. When she gets a boyfriend or is sleeping around it will become annoying (walls are thin…). Lay down the law before the crime happens and don’t let things slide. Don’t be aggressive, but don’t be passive-aggressive either. Be clear, and firm with your communication. Think of your relationship with any roommate as you would a co-worker. Make sure you are a good roommate as well ( pay rent on time, don’t be loud, be clean, mind your own business). In any difficult relationship treat it as an exercise in communication and growing your social skills.

Boyfriend Material

Most of us have probably agreed to be exclusive with the wrong guy. We always regret going off the market and shutting ourselves off from other men. When you are young there needs to be an exploratory time when you figure out what type of guy works for you. College is a great time to have a relationship under your belt. As we age, years fly by and we need to be careful of not getting stuck in a toxic loop with the wrong person. If you have reached a time in your life that you won’t settle for any guy who asks….It’s time to recognize who is ready to commit and who isn’t. Now onto the requirements….

Is he out of school?…..

A man is never ready to be serious if he is in school. He will never have time for you and will always put you last. When you still cling to this guy he will probably continue to sleep with you and then dump you once he has that nice paying job. Are there exceptions to this?…. sure, yet it’s a risky gamble with your time.

Speaking of a nice paying job….

Does he have a nice place to live, car, career? He will always say it’s the wrong time when he lacks these things. Once he is at a good point in his life, he is looking for the prize. You can’t get those years back when you thought being helpful would win him in the end…. It won’t. A nice place to live is also relative. He could have a one-bedroom apartment close to town, not a mansion in the Hollywood Hills.

Does he respect your needs?….

Are you always on his schedule? Does he not put you into consideration with anything in his life? This is a big deal. Some men only want to treat you like a pet. He needs to see you as a human being and respect your boundaries and needs.

Is he a provider?….

He needs to make you feel taken care of. It doesn’t always mean being a provider with money. What happens when you are sick with a cold? Do you just receive a text or does he come over with soup and medicine?

Is he supportive of your dreams?….

Maybe you want to start a vegan cupcake shop. Does he have a supportive ear, or does he only bring up the cons? Men tend to want to fix and solve problems. Yet, if the tone is always discouraging, then it’s not helping you to move forward or get anything done. You need supportive people around.

How does he spend his money?….

No one wants a cheap boyfriend, and on the flip side, no one wants a big spender either. There needs to be a balance and healthy money habits.

What are his vices?….

Everyone has vices. We all have healthy coping mechanisms and unhealthy ones. Some people lean more on unhealthy coping. It can be a problem that to unwind he drinks a bottle of Jack and blacks out every weekend. Pay attention to how he deals with stress.

Does he have road rage?….

This might seem like a little thing, but do you dig your nails into the dashboard every time he drives. His disregard of not trying to keep you safe is alarming.

How does he fight?….

Are you always “the bitch” to him? Some people have zero emotional intelligence and just want to win no matter the cost. He might like fighting for fighting’s sake, or refuse to talk anything out and ignore you for a week. An argument should be constructive and fair. You both should solve the issue and be heard.

How does he make you feel overall?….

Does he always manage to stress you out or peer-pressure you? A partner should make you feel balanced and calm in a stressful situation. Of course, there will be times when there is a random fight or two. Check in with your gut. When you leave the date or his apartment, do you feel better than before, or do you feel amped and stressed?

Does he answer “your bid”?….

“The Gottman Institute” has some great resources for signs your partner is right or wrong for you. The biggie is called “the bid.” An example they use is, “Hey, look at that woodpecker in our yard!” Does he barely shift his gaze from his phone or does he get up and look out the window? One of the signs a couple will divorce is if the bid is not answered.

You heard rumors he has a wondering eye….

Being warned, or hearing though the grapevine that he is a player….listen. It’s probably true and he will deny it just to save face. It’s actually really easy to cheat and lie.

Are you both on the same page about what a relationship is?…..

Some guys call their friends-with-benefits their “girlfriend,” even though it’s purely a sex-based relationship with maybe take-out Chinese food here and there. This might sound shocking, but there are guys who don’t understand what true commitment is ( or they pretend not to). If “the talk” is brought up, ask what being exclusive means and let him speak first. You might be surprised what he has to say and realize you are on two entirely different wavelengths.

Bottom Line…..

Before you decide on becoming exclusive, think about what life stage he is in. It is true that at a certain age, men’s “cab light” turns on ( a la “Sex and the City”). He decides that now is the time to commit. He is done with school; everything is stable. When you are navigating your 20s, it’s normal to have a sampling of boyfriends to figure out your taste. Just don’t let that go on with one person past a year. When you reach your 30s, there needs to be more of a vetting process. Adult dating is having the freedom to simply shop around and date. You shouldn’t feel pressure from your parents, friends, or the guy wanting to be your boyfriend. Pay attention to the details before you make the leap to commitment.

The Caged Bird: Should You Be Tamed For A Man?

There has been a ton of commentary on the Jonah Hill scandal this week. I am sure, like all celebrity gossip goes, it will be yesterday’s news next week. However, it did bring me to some evergreen issues that do come up in dating. For anyone who does not know, Jonah Hill’s ex- of two years ago, aired their private text exchange to the internet. It showed how Jonah weaponized therapy-speak to control his then-girlfriend. As an example, she is a professional surfer / model. His insecurity brought out mean and it’s-my-way-or-the-highway verbiage. Every podcast in my rotation has brought up their take. I picked up what is called “The Madonna / Whore Complex.” This is when a man is attracted to the salacious woman who is beautiful and sends thirst traps. Yet, when he gets the girl, he needs to cage the wild bird. How can you avoid a man who views women in such a black and white way?…..

What he is attracted to will become the biggest fight….

How he found you will usually worry him once he gets you. He might have sent a DM slide with a fire emoji with a pic of you in a bikini. Then his insecurities will set in where he will think every guy could pull that move.

Why playing hard to get can be in your favor…..

I briefly dated a guy from India. We had discussions about the differences in culture from America. The topic of dating came up and he said that in India the woman always turns down a man three separate times before agreeing to a date. In our modern American culture women tend to feel pressure to “help a guy out” and let him have the green light to ask her out. We view men as shy and not capable of showing a girl he likes her. In reality, a grown man, even if shy, will figure out a way to impress the girl he really likes. It is a reminder not to be so accommodating.

You don’t have to be tamed…..

If you want to be a free spirit, then do it! Unfortunately, the majority of men will eventually want to domesticate you. That is the pitfall of getting into an exclusive relationship.

Clean up your self-image if desired…..

This is for the girl who either doesn’t realize how she is coming across, or is sick being shoved into the hook-up box. It is never a bad idea to take down the pics of you with a red solo cup in a bikini top. You might want to think of future employers as well. Any drunk pics or inside jokes, yet unflattering captions or photos should be deleted. Not to say you shouldn’t showcase your personality; just air on the side of classy. Same thing goes for in-person how you look or speak. You might want to stop cussing like a sailor and wearing cut-off daisy dukes.

Dating goes in phases…..

It is perfectly ok to change your mind or your lifestyle. Outsiders will try to push you to remain the same if it benefits them. Your true friends will encourage you to drink less and go back to school. As far as dating, it is perfectly ok to find yourself, get messy, and date any man you desire. There will come a time where you want a guy that suits you and then you can cross that bridge when you get to it. But no shame in remaining the wild child, own it!

Bottom Line…..

A man is attracted to the wild woman until she becomes the girlfriend. There will be sacrifices you will have to make in a relationship. Jonah’s points and requests were a little extreme, however, there is a nugget of truth in them. No one wants to date a person who is stumbling in at 4am. Men like to provide and protect and mold a woman into someone they can be useful towards. The woman who met her man while doing shots at last call will be questioned and judged later on. Insecurities will creep in about how easy you were to get. Long-term, it is a better strategy to be a challenge. However, if you are a wild child and refuse to be anything different, then own it. Be you.

Practical Magic: How To Keep A Door Cracked

A lot of my strings have be snipped for me within a week. Two people, whom I was seeing, had to move, one for a job and one for school. In an instant, you are back to being strangers and having to pretend everything is cool. It’s all about the lessons and experience, right? The micro- casual breakups are tricky because you have to set firm boundaries for yourself. With the world of social media, your ex-lover can orbit you for the next century. Is it best to be practical in such casual relationships or should we leave the door cracked?……

Do some housecleaning first…..

When you are fresh off a separation, you don’t want a daily reminder he didn’t chose you. Mute, delete, hide from your story. You know the drill. It is important to not let him orbit you out of boredom. If he truly wants to “keep in touch,” then let him send a DM.

Life is short and life is long…..

The paradox of dating is that timing usually matters. There are situations where you have a “meet cute” then five years later you reconnect and start dating. It can be dangerous when you are holding your breath for that type of outcome. If you can stomach it, then leave a little form of communication open, and forget about it. It is mainly a case of “if he wanted to he would have” with a clause of “bad timing.”

Always be moving forward….

“Onto the next” has been my dating (and “The Rules” mantra) for a while. You can tire yourself out on the “why’s” and the “what if’s.” Trust in the universe that something better is already on its way. Your stagnant energy and looking back will only attract that stale vibe.

Men work hard for the women they want…..

In my life, I have seen my friends’ boyfriends move across the country and even to an entirely new country for them. When a man is serious, he is willing to do things like that. If he isn’t that into you, he will say “it’s not practical,” “don’t move for me,” “I need to put my career first.”

In a casual relationship he will never put you as a priority….

You cannot expect to get your situationship to make you his priority. Even if you have been seeing each other for years. Time in casual means absolutely nothing to him. Remember the “ten-year guy”? When a casual breakup happens, kiss it goodbye and do not look back.

Bottom Line…..

All breakups can be hard. It is an adjustment in your schedule and maybe you did dream about one day being chosen. It is wiser to be practical in casual situations. You can tell how a man really feels when life gets in the way. He might have to move for a job, school, or family. A man who doesn’t want to lose you knows that if he backs out, he is risking you moving on and never being with him again. In any casual arrangement, you already knew that from the beginning and now the meter has run out. Don’t put money in a broken meter. Create boundaries for yourself and do not allow him to distract you from your healing.

Beige Flags: Be A River Not A Lake

I just heard of the term “beige flags,” which, in short, is not an obvious red flag or a green flag. It is the little human quirks that can grate on us all the time. These quirks could rust out the relationship. We have to understand that we can be annoying and get repetitive when we spend more and more time together. Are beige flags preventable? How can we not be the “ball and chain” in a relationship?…..

Don’t rush a relationship….

Biologically, women want to race to the finish line to feel secure and settled. When you don’t take a beat you are not allowing yourself to be in the courting phase which is arguably the best part of the relationship.

Have your own hobbies…..

I remember in high school I had a friend who worked at the mall in a shoe store. When he got a girlfriend, she would literally sit in a chair throughout his entire shift. Whether it was trust issues or not having a life, it was alarming. It felt like she was a parole officer. It is best to have your own interests and hobbies that you can do separately from each other.

Don’t abandon your friends….

In a new relationship, it’s normal to block out the world and spend every moment together. I have been on the other side as the friend, where you are completely abandoned and left in the cold. It is hard to come back to the friendship once your friends have adjusted and moved on.

Resist moving in or staying over all the time….

When you play house all the time it’s harder to get an actual commitment. Once it goes belly up, you have invested too much and will feel too scared to start over. When you live with the wrong person or out of convenience, it will ruin you for the next healthy relationship.

Be a river not a lake….

You should always be learning and growing. Conversations feel stagnate when no new information is coming in. Couples get to a boring place when nothing new or exciting is happening. It is important to still date and experience new things together.

Have a shared interest…..

It could as simple as hiking. It is important to get off the couch and to do an activity together. You need to get in the fresh air and bond. Watching a tv show together is a bonus but should not be the only thing going on.

Bottom Line…..

Every relationship can plateau into something mundane. Most expects encourage “date nights” and to live your own life. Some couples are extremely close depending on attachment styles. The avoidant attachment is more likely to notice the “beige flags” and the “ick” because it is an exit strategy. One minor thing can turn a benign beige flag into a red flag. Humans crave novelty and although comfort and security can be wonderful, there needs to be a little spice added. Having your own life, friends, dreams is going to let you bring those fruitful conversations to the table. Be a river, not a lake.

How To Not Get Attached To Your FWB

I have spoke on this before, but it bears repeating. When you get “lost in the sauce” in casual and thinking it can go the distance, you need a reality check . In these types of dynamics there are heavy limitations that can disappoint you when you haven’t checked your expectations. I encourage a bulletproof plan to prevent a feeling of “has he checked my stories? Why does he dodge meeting my friends?” Men are masters at compartmentalizing a relationship. Women tend to fall in love though the intimacy and closeness. How can the women who are prone to getting attached safeguard against this from the start?…..

No social media….

A phone number is perfectly fine to have. Once you get into the social media world you will be checking if he watched your story. Worse is when you are catering your stories so he will send you a message or reaction. It’s best for early dating as well to not be preoccupied with his lack of urgency to see what you are up to. More than likely his orbiting is boredom or he watches everyone’s story.

Be in the present moment….

You can’t enjoy the moment when you are worrying about the future. You might have a wonderful time together, but then you go home and give yourself a migraine worrying about it. Treat it like a fine dining experience or a concert. Live for the experience, then go home and go about your day.

Try to avoid sending memes or chatting while you are apart….

If he wants to chat, then that’s great….but avoid sending him silly memes or checking in on him. (Another reason to avoid social media). It’s too tempting to think he will enjoy something and then you are left on “seen” for 48 hours. Don’t put yourself though that.

Be prepared for it to end…..

Not trying to be doom and gloom, however, be realistic. He is probably dating other people and you are just a filler for him. Sure, he might really love spending time with you, but there is probably a reason he hasn’t made the leap to relationship.

Be fun in the moment….

Don’t be salty or sour when you are together. Enjoy yourself and make the situation more fun and memorable. Turn on the music, get some drinks, play games.

Never invite him anywhere outside the bedroom…..

You will see him squirm in his seat and give a vague maybe. Just don’t bother asking him. It will just make you feel bad to be rejected. Same thing with trying to trick him into introducing him to your friends. Worst case, if he does decide to go out with you, he will take the opportunity to hit on other girls in front of you. Or he might disappear and leave you in the dust.

If you have already broken the rules….

It’s never a bad idea to pull way back. No harm in letting go energetically and stop messaging. Who knows, it might pique his interest more. Most important is to not cut off your resources. Get back on the apps and continue to be open to talking to new men. As far as social media, you can block individual people from watching your stories. Just go into privacy settings and go to stories. It will ease your mind of waiting for him to watch a story. It will also prevent you from curating your stories for his amusement. There is no need to block or restrict him; you can mute him on everything if he posts a lot. Another tip is to take the notification off for seeing people who are online. Once you see his pic with the green button it will be too tempting to send him a message since he is online. Play around with the privacy settings and see what works best for you.

Bottom Line…..

This is a friendly reminder to stop what you are doing. In casual this is the biggest pitfall and causes the most agony in dating. It’s the reason why casual relationships do not last and people catch feelings. The sad thing is you can develop a fulfilling easy breezy dynamic that can be a relaxing getaway for yourself. Yet, as women, we tend to ruin it by creating a mountain out of a molehill. If you are relating to any of this and feel too deep, you can always step back. Go back to the drawing board and get the expectations right. Sure, you might have a wonderful and even romantic time together. Yet, if he never wants to see you in public or plans any dates? It’s just not the romantic love story you think it is. Be like a man and compartmentalize the relationship for YOUR benefit, not his.

“Feral Girl Summer”: How To Be Unbothered

There is a lot of buzz about “Feral Girl Summer,” which has become a trend that essentially means doing your own thing without worrying what society thinks. The Urban Dictionary definition states: “Feral Girl Summer is about ditching the pricey workout wear and not worrying when you last shaved your legs. The feral girl is too busy ‘wreaking havoc’ for that – she’s out drinking, dancing on tables, saying embarrassing things to guys, and subsisting on a diet of toast and takeaways because she’s too busy having fun to cook.” The freedom of throwing on some shorts and an oversized tee shirt sans makeup and chowing down on tacos with your girlfriends is unmatched. I do preach looking presentable in public and trying to look pulled together, although if you are in a phase where you are just wanting to enjoy your time with friends, it can be liberating to not have to look perfect 24/7. How can you enjoy a feral girl summer and what mindset should you be in?…..

Dress up when you want to only….

I remember a few years back the singer Alicia Keys hit a wall with wearing makeup. She was tired of the two hours in the glam chair before shoots and events. So, she simply stated she isn’t going to be forced to wear makeup. There is immense pressure to look dolled up even just going to a grocery store. It should be your choice and time and place to look pretty.

Will you become invisible?….

Yes. Once you dress down and just show up unbothered you will experience the power of invisibility. This can be peaceful if you are just trying to go about your day. It will feel more meaningful when you dress up for going out to the bars.

Summer is the time for no agenda…..

You will probably be traveling more and having more free time. It is a good idea to not put pressure on other people. It is the opposite of cuffing season. This is the time to build up your social circle.

Take a dating app pause…..

It is much better to take an intentional dating app break and push yourself to meet people in person. Say yes to travel and local events in your town. Or just go out solo to a concert or karaoke and let people come up and chat with you.

Be bold and wild…..

I talk about the vacation mindset. It is a state of being when you need to seize the day and do extra. Not saying you should shoot your shot with every guy, but be a little more flirty. You can do it in a mild way and compliment the bartender or barista. Have more of a saucy vibe about yourself and not get caught up in if he likes you back or not.

Bottom Line…..

“Feral Girl Summer” is a rebellious attitude and puts your needs first. As women, we are pressured to look like we are about to go to the Oscars for even a quick errand. Not saying that you should not try to look polished, but save it for a time where you feel like getting noticed. Focus your attention on friendships, travel, and yourself. It can be a perfect time to meet people in person and give a lasting impression. The apps should be paused and not used as validation or a crutch. Most important, is not to stress over little dating dramas. If he wants to be with you, let him do the work and have an unbothered attitude.