Creating “The Spark” On A First Date

Let’s all admit that we are seeking a spark when we go on a first date. A lot of dating coaches encourage you to accept the 2nd date no matter what. I do agree with that. However, men will more than likely refuse a second date if he doesn’t feel “the spark” and gets more of a friend vibe. Sometimes you can control a first date from how you show up. Is there a way to create chemistry on a first date?….

Be in a good mood….

That’s really what it comes down to in a nutshell. You can’t show up being a little sourpuss. Really dedicate your pre-date to getting out of your head and into your body. I like to do a “drama dump” in my car and get out all the muck that is bothering me. Then get in the zone by listening with my air pods to my favorite hype song.

Tell stories, not facts….

Captivate your audience by telling stories, not answering facts in a dry way. Ask leading questions that are not a yes or no answer. Get him talking about things you can both connect on. Everyone has fun stories that they can tell (no bathroom mishap stories), even if you are speaking about your friends or family.

Be present….

Put away the phone and make eye contact. Nod and smile when he is talking. Repeat words to let the person know you have been listening. Use one word he used to craft your sentence. He “This food is so spicy! My mouth is burning!” You: Yes! Speaking of spicy have you ever tried ghost peppers?”

Ask him questions….

Men want to know you are interested. This isn’t a one-sided interview. Try to ask fun questions instead of the boring stock questions without getting too deep. You can ask where his favorite vacation spot is as an example. Make sure these are softball questions, not asking him what he thinks the meaning of life is. Also… a biggie is to stop giving him hypothetical questions that will make him roll his eyes… “if I were a worm, would you find me attractive?”…. Stop. Also, you don’t have to try to be funny. It’s fine if you are naturally witty, but every sentence should not be a random reference from a TV show or you doing bits.

Look hot….

We can all step it up. Make it a habit to keep up with hair appointments and updating your wardrobe. You don’t have to look like you are going to the club to look sexy. In fact, try to dress a little bit more conservative while still complementing the shape of your body. Find out the best colors to wear for your skin tone as well.

Don’t give him the impression you are “the fun girl”….

Try to not get wasted on the date or be “too fun.” It will backfire to be the girl that he can only see as hitting the bars with. Communicate how passionate you are with your job or helping the community. You have to paint a picture that you aren’t going to be throwing up in an Uber every time you hang out.

Be funny, flirty, and free….

Flirting to me simply means being witty and complimentary. It’s not licking your lips and winking. Be funny and make the conversation light. Act free by not being demanding and putting pressure on him. This is not an interrogation.

Bottom Line…

Beware of him saying “I didn’t feel the spark,” if you did all these things. That is guy code for him not being attracted to you. So, let it go. Attraction is a man’s only criteria for moving along the relationship. Do not take it personally, everyone has a type. However…. this is not to say to put up a wall and to sulk in the corner. You have to be an active participant in the date. And you do have to create chemistry to a certain degree.

Off Limits Men

I have spoken about the downsides of hitting on bartenders or anyone in a service-based industry. I want to take it a step further and explore the BIG “off limits men.” These men can be more appealing because they are taboo. However, the reason men fall into the “no” category is because of how they affect other people. I will break down what type of men are forbidden and why it’s never a good idea….

A best friend / sister’s ex….

This is breaking “girl code.” You are being selfish and not putting your friend or loved one into consideration.

Married men….

He will say over and over he will leave his wife for you. And yet….you are still sneaking away to dark alleys and shady hotels while he goes back to his family in the morning. This is also a thing that you should go by the rule, not the exception. It is harmful to your self-worth and you are a home wrecker.

Anyone who you pay….

Even the man who mows your grass. This goes back to my “Hitting on Bartenders” article. There are always going to be men who seem appealing that you did not swipe on. You will feel seen when they remember your name and go the extra mile. This is a big trap that both men and women fall into and it only results in an awkward and inappropriate situation. There are men who will physically touch you (hair dresser, massage therapist, dermatologist, etc). You could feel the spark, especially if you are deprived of affection. It is never a thing to explore.

Your priest, rabbi, or spiritual counselor….

In the show, “Fleabag,” the main protagonist goes all the way with her priest. It was shocking and has an erotic element because of the forbidden and even immoral nature. This is not a common scenario, but I do think it comes from a man with no sexual agenda helping you that is appealing to women.

Your son’s friend….

I have been thinking of Jada Pinkett Smith since she is currently in the news. She speaks about her “entanglement” with rapper August Alsina who is 21 years younger. I am pretty open about age gaps, but an extremely large one when one party is below 27 is inappropriate. Not going to throw only women under the bus with this, men have been doing this for eons. Usually, he progressively dates younger after each divorce until she is younger than his daughter.

Your therapist….

I am separating this one from the “men you pay” category because women really do fall for their therapists. He knows your deep dark secrets, he listens, and he gives his thoughtful advice. To women, this is what intimacy is. Men aren’t usually attracted to a therapist, there are no porn categories of “therapist and patient.” Going back to the priest example, it is another time a man is helping without his own sexual agenda.

What is the solution?….

Not going to minimize the piercing attraction you feel with these forbidden men. Most women’s sexuality is tied to fantasy and “will they, won’t they.” It can be somewhat unbearable when you are hit with a strong spark from the wrong guy. There are some action plans to combat the feeling.

Recognize if you are in dry period of dating – Most of the time you will be fantasizing about the mailman when you have no options. Your brain likes to stay in a romantic energy and will find any man to fill the void.
Make a zen garden- The Buddhists believe in work that results in a “flow” state. This could be where you physically have no time to think outside of what you are doing. Some examples are re-wallpapering your room, gardening, or cleaning your gutters.
Reject yourself- Some people still hold onto to a crush because there was no “no.” When we are rejected, the door has shut and it is easier to wash our hands with it. In this case reject yourself in a firm way by giving a reality check. It is always better to go in with an assumption he is not interested or available.
Admit you are starved for affection / attention – When you are in this state this is when you make bad decisions. In this case, it’s much better to get that energy out though a dating app. Even if you don’t meet up it is better to flirt and get attention
Get busy- “idle hands are the devil’s playground.” “If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.” Ok, I will stop saying cliché phrases… but, you might have too much time on your hands that can be put to better use.

Bottom Line….

A crush and fantasy can be healthy, yet I put an asterisk next to these type of men only because an obsession can build up more from people who are seen as forbidden and taboo. There are real consequences from pursuing these types of men. You can break up a marriage, hurt a person’s career, or simply have a humiliating experience. This is the time to put your shields up, assume they are not interested, and move on with your day. Anything interdict makes captivating television, but in reality, at worst, it can be life-ruining for both parties.

Boyfriend Material

Most of us have probably agreed to be exclusive with the wrong guy. We always regret going off the market and shutting ourselves off from other men. When you are young there needs to be an exploratory time when you figure out what type of guy works for you. College is a great time to have a relationship under your belt. As we age, years fly by and we need to be careful of not getting stuck in a toxic loop with the wrong person. If you have reached a time in your life that you won’t settle for any guy who asks….It’s time to recognize who is ready to commit and who isn’t. Now onto the requirements….

Is he out of school?…..

A man is never ready to be serious if he is in school. He will never have time for you and will always put you last. When you still cling to this guy he will probably continue to sleep with you and then dump you once he has that nice paying job. Are there exceptions to this?…. sure, yet it’s a risky gamble with your time.

Speaking of a nice paying job….

Does he have a nice place to live, car, career? He will always say it’s the wrong time when he lacks these things. Once he is at a good point in his life, he is looking for the prize. You can’t get those years back when you thought being helpful would win him in the end…. It won’t. A nice place to live is also relative. He could have a one-bedroom apartment close to town, not a mansion in the Hollywood Hills.

Does he respect your needs?….

Are you always on his schedule? Does he not put you into consideration with anything in his life? This is a big deal. Some men only want to treat you like a pet. He needs to see you as a human being and respect your boundaries and needs.

Is he a provider?….

He needs to make you feel taken care of. It doesn’t always mean being a provider with money. What happens when you are sick with a cold? Do you just receive a text or does he come over with soup and medicine?

Is he supportive of your dreams?….

Maybe you want to start a vegan cupcake shop. Does he have a supportive ear, or does he only bring up the cons? Men tend to want to fix and solve problems. Yet, if the tone is always discouraging, then it’s not helping you to move forward or get anything done. You need supportive people around.

How does he spend his money?….

No one wants a cheap boyfriend, and on the flip side, no one wants a big spender either. There needs to be a balance and healthy money habits.

What are his vices?….

Everyone has vices. We all have healthy coping mechanisms and unhealthy ones. Some people lean more on unhealthy coping. It can be a problem that to unwind he drinks a bottle of Jack and blacks out every weekend. Pay attention to how he deals with stress.

Does he have road rage?….

This might seem like a little thing, but do you dig your nails into the dashboard every time he drives. His disregard of not trying to keep you safe is alarming.

How does he fight?….

Are you always “the bitch” to him? Some people have zero emotional intelligence and just want to win no matter the cost. He might like fighting for fighting’s sake, or refuse to talk anything out and ignore you for a week. An argument should be constructive and fair. You both should solve the issue and be heard.

How does he make you feel overall?….

Does he always manage to stress you out or peer-pressure you? A partner should make you feel balanced and calm in a stressful situation. Of course, there will be times when there is a random fight or two. Check in with your gut. When you leave the date or his apartment, do you feel better than before, or do you feel amped and stressed?

Does he answer “your bid”?….

“The Gottman Institute” has some great resources for signs your partner is right or wrong for you. The biggie is called “the bid.” An example they use is, “Hey, look at that woodpecker in our yard!” Does he barely shift his gaze from his phone or does he get up and look out the window? One of the signs a couple will divorce is if the bid is not answered.

You heard rumors he has a wondering eye….

Being warned, or hearing though the grapevine that he is a player….listen. It’s probably true and he will deny it just to save face. It’s actually really easy to cheat and lie.

Are you both on the same page about what a relationship is?…..

Some guys call their friends-with-benefits their “girlfriend,” even though it’s purely a sex-based relationship with maybe take-out Chinese food here and there. This might sound shocking, but there are guys who don’t understand what true commitment is ( or they pretend not to). If “the talk” is brought up, ask what being exclusive means and let him speak first. You might be surprised what he has to say and realize you are on two entirely different wavelengths.

Bottom Line…..

Before you decide on becoming exclusive, think about what life stage he is in. It is true that at a certain age, men’s “cab light” turns on ( a la “Sex and the City”). He decides that now is the time to commit. He is done with school; everything is stable. When you are navigating your 20s, it’s normal to have a sampling of boyfriends to figure out your taste. Just don’t let that go on with one person past a year. When you reach your 30s, there needs to be more of a vetting process. Adult dating is having the freedom to simply shop around and date. You shouldn’t feel pressure from your parents, friends, or the guy wanting to be your boyfriend. Pay attention to the details before you make the leap to commitment.

The Caged Bird: Should You Be Tamed For A Man?

There has been a ton of commentary on the Jonah Hill scandal this week. I am sure, like all celebrity gossip goes, it will be yesterday’s news next week. However, it did bring me to some evergreen issues that do come up in dating. For anyone who does not know, Jonah Hill’s ex- of two years ago, aired their private text exchange to the internet. It showed how Jonah weaponized therapy-speak to control his then-girlfriend. As an example, she is a professional surfer / model. His insecurity brought out mean and it’s-my-way-or-the-highway verbiage. Every podcast in my rotation has brought up their take. I picked up what is called “The Madonna / Whore Complex.” This is when a man is attracted to the salacious woman who is beautiful and sends thirst traps. Yet, when he gets the girl, he needs to cage the wild bird. How can you avoid a man who views women in such a black and white way?…..

What he is attracted to will become the biggest fight….

How he found you will usually worry him once he gets you. He might have sent a DM slide with a fire emoji with a pic of you in a bikini. Then his insecurities will set in where he will think every guy could pull that move.

Why playing hard to get can be in your favor…..

I briefly dated a guy from India. We had discussions about the differences in culture from America. The topic of dating came up and he said that in India the woman always turns down a man three separate times before agreeing to a date. In our modern American culture women tend to feel pressure to “help a guy out” and let him have the green light to ask her out. We view men as shy and not capable of showing a girl he likes her. In reality, a grown man, even if shy, will figure out a way to impress the girl he really likes. It is a reminder not to be so accommodating.

You don’t have to be tamed…..

If you want to be a free spirit, then do it! Unfortunately, the majority of men will eventually want to domesticate you. That is the pitfall of getting into an exclusive relationship.

Clean up your self-image if desired…..

This is for the girl who either doesn’t realize how she is coming across, or is sick being shoved into the hook-up box. It is never a bad idea to take down the pics of you with a red solo cup in a bikini top. You might want to think of future employers as well. Any drunk pics or inside jokes, yet unflattering captions or photos should be deleted. Not to say you shouldn’t showcase your personality; just air on the side of classy. Same thing goes for in-person how you look or speak. You might want to stop cussing like a sailor and wearing cut-off daisy dukes.

Dating goes in phases…..

It is perfectly ok to change your mind or your lifestyle. Outsiders will try to push you to remain the same if it benefits them. Your true friends will encourage you to drink less and go back to school. As far as dating, it is perfectly ok to find yourself, get messy, and date any man you desire. There will come a time where you want a guy that suits you and then you can cross that bridge when you get to it. But no shame in remaining the wild child, own it!

Bottom Line…..

A man is attracted to the wild woman until she becomes the girlfriend. There will be sacrifices you will have to make in a relationship. Jonah’s points and requests were a little extreme, however, there is a nugget of truth in them. No one wants to date a person who is stumbling in at 4am. Men like to provide and protect and mold a woman into someone they can be useful towards. The woman who met her man while doing shots at last call will be questioned and judged later on. Insecurities will creep in about how easy you were to get. Long-term, it is a better strategy to be a challenge. However, if you are a wild child and refuse to be anything different, then own it. Be you.

Practical Magic: How To Keep A Door Cracked

A lot of my strings have be snipped for me within a week. Two people, whom I was seeing, had to move, one for a job and one for school. In an instant, you are back to being strangers and having to pretend everything is cool. It’s all about the lessons and experience, right? The micro- casual breakups are tricky because you have to set firm boundaries for yourself. With the world of social media, your ex-lover can orbit you for the next century. Is it best to be practical in such casual relationships or should we leave the door cracked?……

Do some housecleaning first…..

When you are fresh off a separation, you don’t want a daily reminder he didn’t chose you. Mute, delete, hide from your story. You know the drill. It is important to not let him orbit you out of boredom. If he truly wants to “keep in touch,” then let him send a DM.

Life is short and life is long…..

The paradox of dating is that timing usually matters. There are situations where you have a “meet cute” then five years later you reconnect and start dating. It can be dangerous when you are holding your breath for that type of outcome. If you can stomach it, then leave a little form of communication open, and forget about it. It is mainly a case of “if he wanted to he would have” with a clause of “bad timing.”

Always be moving forward….

“Onto the next” has been my dating (and “The Rules” mantra) for a while. You can tire yourself out on the “why’s” and the “what if’s.” Trust in the universe that something better is already on its way. Your stagnant energy and looking back will only attract that stale vibe.

Men work hard for the women they want…..

In my life, I have seen my friends’ boyfriends move across the country and even to an entirely new country for them. When a man is serious, he is willing to do things like that. If he isn’t that into you, he will say “it’s not practical,” “don’t move for me,” “I need to put my career first.”

In a casual relationship he will never put you as a priority….

You cannot expect to get your situationship to make you his priority. Even if you have been seeing each other for years. Time in casual means absolutely nothing to him. Remember the “ten-year guy”? When a casual breakup happens, kiss it goodbye and do not look back.

Bottom Line…..

All breakups can be hard. It is an adjustment in your schedule and maybe you did dream about one day being chosen. It is wiser to be practical in casual situations. You can tell how a man really feels when life gets in the way. He might have to move for a job, school, or family. A man who doesn’t want to lose you knows that if he backs out, he is risking you moving on and never being with him again. In any casual arrangement, you already knew that from the beginning and now the meter has run out. Don’t put money in a broken meter. Create boundaries for yourself and do not allow him to distract you from your healing.

Beige Flags: Be A River Not A Lake

I just heard of the term “beige flags,” which, in short, is not an obvious red flag or a green flag. It is the little human quirks that can grate on us all the time. These quirks could rust out the relationship. We have to understand that we can be annoying and get repetitive when we spend more and more time together. Are beige flags preventable? How can we not be the “ball and chain” in a relationship?…..

Don’t rush a relationship….

Biologically, women want to race to the finish line to feel secure and settled. When you don’t take a beat you are not allowing yourself to be in the courting phase which is arguably the best part of the relationship.

Have your own hobbies…..

I remember in high school I had a friend who worked at the mall in a shoe store. When he got a girlfriend, she would literally sit in a chair throughout his entire shift. Whether it was trust issues or not having a life, it was alarming. It felt like she was a parole officer. It is best to have your own interests and hobbies that you can do separately from each other.

Don’t abandon your friends….

In a new relationship, it’s normal to block out the world and spend every moment together. I have been on the other side as the friend, where you are completely abandoned and left in the cold. It is hard to come back to the friendship once your friends have adjusted and moved on.

Resist moving in or staying over all the time….

When you play house all the time it’s harder to get an actual commitment. Once it goes belly up, you have invested too much and will feel too scared to start over. When you live with the wrong person or out of convenience, it will ruin you for the next healthy relationship.

Be a river not a lake….

You should always be learning and growing. Conversations feel stagnate when no new information is coming in. Couples get to a boring place when nothing new or exciting is happening. It is important to still date and experience new things together.

Have a shared interest…..

It could as simple as hiking. It is important to get off the couch and to do an activity together. You need to get in the fresh air and bond. Watching a tv show together is a bonus but should not be the only thing going on.

Bottom Line…..

Every relationship can plateau into something mundane. Most expects encourage “date nights” and to live your own life. Some couples are extremely close depending on attachment styles. The avoidant attachment is more likely to notice the “beige flags” and the “ick” because it is an exit strategy. One minor thing can turn a benign beige flag into a red flag. Humans crave novelty and although comfort and security can be wonderful, there needs to be a little spice added. Having your own life, friends, dreams is going to let you bring those fruitful conversations to the table. Be a river, not a lake.

How To Not Get Attached To Your FWB

I have spoke on this before, but it bears repeating. When you get “lost in the sauce” in casual and thinking it can go the distance, you need a reality check . In these types of dynamics there are heavy limitations that can disappoint you when you haven’t checked your expectations. I encourage a bulletproof plan to prevent a feeling of “has he checked my stories? Why does he dodge meeting my friends?” Men are masters at compartmentalizing a relationship. Women tend to fall in love though the intimacy and closeness. How can the women who are prone to getting attached safeguard against this from the start?…..

No social media….

A phone number is perfectly fine to have. Once you get into the social media world you will be checking if he watched your story. Worse is when you are catering your stories so he will send you a message or reaction. It’s best for early dating as well to not be preoccupied with his lack of urgency to see what you are up to. More than likely his orbiting is boredom or he watches everyone’s story.

Be in the present moment….

You can’t enjoy the moment when you are worrying about the future. You might have a wonderful time together, but then you go home and give yourself a migraine worrying about it. Treat it like a fine dining experience or a concert. Live for the experience, then go home and go about your day.

Try to avoid sending memes or chatting while you are apart….

If he wants to chat, then that’s great….but avoid sending him silly memes or checking in on him. (Another reason to avoid social media). It’s too tempting to think he will enjoy something and then you are left on “seen” for 48 hours. Don’t put yourself though that.

Be prepared for it to end…..

Not trying to be doom and gloom, however, be realistic. He is probably dating other people and you are just a filler for him. Sure, he might really love spending time with you, but there is probably a reason he hasn’t made the leap to relationship.

Be fun in the moment….

Don’t be salty or sour when you are together. Enjoy yourself and make the situation more fun and memorable. Turn on the music, get some drinks, play games.

Never invite him anywhere outside the bedroom…..

You will see him squirm in his seat and give a vague maybe. Just don’t bother asking him. It will just make you feel bad to be rejected. Same thing with trying to trick him into introducing him to your friends. Worst case, if he does decide to go out with you, he will take the opportunity to hit on other girls in front of you. Or he might disappear and leave you in the dust.

If you have already broken the rules….

It’s never a bad idea to pull way back. No harm in letting go energetically and stop messaging. Who knows, it might pique his interest more. Most important is to not cut off your resources. Get back on the apps and continue to be open to talking to new men. As far as social media, you can block individual people from watching your stories. Just go into privacy settings and go to stories. It will ease your mind of waiting for him to watch a story. It will also prevent you from curating your stories for his amusement. There is no need to block or restrict him; you can mute him on everything if he posts a lot. Another tip is to take the notification off for seeing people who are online. Once you see his pic with the green button it will be too tempting to send him a message since he is online. Play around with the privacy settings and see what works best for you.

Bottom Line…..

This is a friendly reminder to stop what you are doing. In casual this is the biggest pitfall and causes the most agony in dating. It’s the reason why casual relationships do not last and people catch feelings. The sad thing is you can develop a fulfilling easy breezy dynamic that can be a relaxing getaway for yourself. Yet, as women, we tend to ruin it by creating a mountain out of a molehill. If you are relating to any of this and feel too deep, you can always step back. Go back to the drawing board and get the expectations right. Sure, you might have a wonderful and even romantic time together. Yet, if he never wants to see you in public or plans any dates? It’s just not the romantic love story you think it is. Be like a man and compartmentalize the relationship for YOUR benefit, not his.

“Feral Girl Summer”: How To Be Unbothered

There is a lot of buzz about “Feral Girl Summer,” which has become a trend that essentially means doing your own thing without worrying what society thinks. The Urban Dictionary definition states: “Feral Girl Summer is about ditching the pricey workout wear and not worrying when you last shaved your legs. The feral girl is too busy ‘wreaking havoc’ for that – she’s out drinking, dancing on tables, saying embarrassing things to guys, and subsisting on a diet of toast and takeaways because she’s too busy having fun to cook.” The freedom of throwing on some shorts and an oversized tee shirt sans makeup and chowing down on tacos with your girlfriends is unmatched. I do preach looking presentable in public and trying to look pulled together, although if you are in a phase where you are just wanting to enjoy your time with friends, it can be liberating to not have to look perfect 24/7. How can you enjoy a feral girl summer and what mindset should you be in?…..

Dress up when you want to only….

I remember a few years back the singer Alicia Keys hit a wall with wearing makeup. She was tired of the two hours in the glam chair before shoots and events. So, she simply stated she isn’t going to be forced to wear makeup. There is immense pressure to look dolled up even just going to a grocery store. It should be your choice and time and place to look pretty.

Will you become invisible?….

Yes. Once you dress down and just show up unbothered you will experience the power of invisibility. This can be peaceful if you are just trying to go about your day. It will feel more meaningful when you dress up for going out to the bars.

Summer is the time for no agenda…..

You will probably be traveling more and having more free time. It is a good idea to not put pressure on other people. It is the opposite of cuffing season. This is the time to build up your social circle.

Take a dating app pause…..

It is much better to take an intentional dating app break and push yourself to meet people in person. Say yes to travel and local events in your town. Or just go out solo to a concert or karaoke and let people come up and chat with you.

Be bold and wild…..

I talk about the vacation mindset. It is a state of being when you need to seize the day and do extra. Not saying you should shoot your shot with every guy, but be a little more flirty. You can do it in a mild way and compliment the bartender or barista. Have more of a saucy vibe about yourself and not get caught up in if he likes you back or not.

Bottom Line…..

“Feral Girl Summer” is a rebellious attitude and puts your needs first. As women, we are pressured to look like we are about to go to the Oscars for even a quick errand. Not saying that you should not try to look polished, but save it for a time where you feel like getting noticed. Focus your attention on friendships, travel, and yourself. It can be a perfect time to meet people in person and give a lasting impression. The apps should be paused and not used as validation or a crutch. Most important, is not to stress over little dating dramas. If he wants to be with you, let him do the work and have an unbothered attitude.

How To Host A Summer Singles Mixer

For anyone still in college this is a no brainer. There are mixers and get-togethers every weekend. It gets trickier when you no longer have a strong network. I put on a Valentine’s Day singles mixer in my town. I felt it took a lot of planning with a mildly successful result. Like any endeavor, it was a learning experience. For anyone with a large group of friends who hosts on a regular basis, help your single pals out! Summer is a perfect time to get people together and mingling. What are some tips for a successful homemade mixer?…..

Don’t bother with a venue…..

If you have a great connection with a bar who will help you out for free, then go for it. The main pitfall I wasted time on was waiting to be answered on an email. Guess what, no one replied. I had to finagle a day with a limited amount of time. So just save yourself a headache and ask a friend with a great house to host.

Send out a flyer invite….

You can create a flyer and do a private story in Instagram for friends. The best case is word of mouth through a social and well-connected friend. They can ask their friends to bring a friend or two and so on.

Bonus points if there is an apartment pool…..

For summer, there needs to be incentive to come out. A nice pool-day casual cook-out is hard to turn down.

The Solo Cups….

This is a great and simple way to let people know who is available. Pick different color solo cups to mean different things. Red could mean “relationship,” green could be “single.” And it can be that simple if you want it. They can also write their name with a sharpie on the cup.

Have a great playlist or live music….

Ask your music friend to DJ. Or just pick a great mix on Spotify. In the past, my friend, who hosts parties, made sure for noise ordinance that everything had to be acoustic live music. This gave a cozy intimate vibe for the party.

As the host, do a few introductions…..

Get in the habit of saying, “have you met…..” Make the rounds and get people chatting.

Have food, but don’t overthink it…..

Unless this is a cookout with the obvious stuff to grill, then don’t think too hard. Most people aren’t wanting to walk around with a tiny paper plate. Spend more on the drinks and then maybe provide little bite-sized things they can just pick up and eat. (Have vegan options just in case).

Get the people involved…..

When things are feeling great and people are mingling, you might not have to do anything. As a backup, have a game people can play. I created my own “F*ck, marry, Kill”, “never have I ever” cards. I made them in the program Canva and printed them out with a card stock. It’s fun to make up your own. You can also purchase a similar “never have I ever” card game. Or with just a deck of cards you can play the drinking game “circle of death.” Just be flexible and do not force a game on people who are already enjoying themselves. If possible set up a beer pong table in the back yard or porch for people.

Bottom Line…..

As a single person it is a relief to do an event that is fun and does not involve the apps. In the summer it is a no brainer to have get-togethers, especially when there is a pool involved. A good host has a great location to host and can do some good introductions. People are hungry to meet new people and to have a good time. Don’t put so much emphasis on things that matter very little. Who knows, this could become a regular thing that people look forward to.

Lost In Translation: How Men Can Navigate Dating As A Transplant

Want to make dating more confusing and challenging? Do it while not fully knowing the language or customs. Anyone will feel like a fish out of water when they move to a brand new country. Most people want to fit in and be accepted and not stick out in a bad way. (This can also apply to newly single men who were in a decade-long marriage pre-apps). Here are some tips to navigate the apps and dating. More importantly, to not get swiped aside based on minor mistakes…..

Learn the abbreviations….

With the apps, there is a lot of shorthand for basic words. You don’t want to make texting feel too formal. It can make you come across as serious and not fun. Not saying every word should be an abbreviation. It is best to pepper in an “LOL” or a “LMK” here and there. There are always going to be new slang words. You don’t want to sound like you are trying too hard using Gen Z lingo as a 30-plus year old. It’s ok to say the word “cool” to describe something.

Emojis….

Emojis can be seen as a feminine way to communicate. However, when you aren’t sure how your tone is coming off, a “blushing face emoji” can get you out of hot water. Try not to overdo it, but a “laughing face emoji” is fine to use as a reaction on an instagram story or a “fire emoji” for when she is giving a thirst trap.

Understand what “TTYL” means…..

Most texting does not have a beginning, middle, and end. When someone tells you “TTYL” aka “talk to you later,” respect their wishes. It is a polite way to tell you they cannot chat or are busy. When you continue to text it will annoy them.

Don’t be scared to ask questions…..

Your date should not judge you for not knowing certain things, as long as the tone is not making fun or saying something is stupid. I have come across non-Americans who have had an elitist attitude. It can make your date feel uncomfortable if you are complaining about the food, news, or pop culture. Be open to ask clarifying questions; she should feel happy to answer and teach you something.

Be open to trying new food….

Unless it is against your religion, be open to eating food you aren’t used to. You don’t have to eat only fast food, but on a dinner date be open to explore a restaurant.

Go with the flow….

You sort of have to get a feel for the rhythm of where you have moved to. Every city,,, no matter where you are, has its own pace and clock. When I visited Barcelona, it felt very vibrant and young. They would eat dinner at 10pm and have more of a party attitude. Some cities are fast paced and bustling and some are very slowed down and chill.

Learn what a typical weekend is like…..

You might be in a city where they wake up at 7am and hike. In contrast you could be in a city where everyone goes bar-hopping. It might make you feel better when you can blend in a little and be a part of the group.

Bottom Line…..

I have dated and chatted with many transplants. The majority of women find an accent sexy and mysterious. It can be to your advantage to stand out a little. The problem I see the most is communication through texting. When your tone is hard to decipher, it tends to come off as more serious than it actually is. Really nailing good banter in the apps is a challenge for anyone. All women want is a connection and slight fantasy to daydream about. You should try to blend in, but be open to communicating about the differences without complaining. Be true to your religion and don’t totally fold to fit in (diet or alcohol). It is ok to keep the important stuff, but be open to trying new things.