Why You Should Try To Be A “Fast Friend”

We have to admit that friendship norms versus relationship and dating are different. For one thing, friendships usually never result in a break-up or even a “break.” But I wanted to talk more about casual friendships. You meet someone out at a bar; you chat about boys over cocktails, exchanging numbers or social media. You swear you will both get brunch soon and then, poof, they leave you on read. With casual dating, you are justified in feeling duped when he dodges messages after you were intimate. With friends, you don’t quite get the justice you feel inside. Did they do anything wrong at the end of the day? I want to make the argument for the “fast friend” and why you should let loose and try it yourself. How can you treat your own friendships as more casual?….

How you treat your existing friends….

As you get into your 30s and beyond, your high school friends and college roommates have moved away. You finally made a connection with a co-worker and feel you need to hold onto them for dear life. You are ashamed that you only have a handful of friends now. My view is to stop putting so much emphasis on the number and frankly how long the connection lasts. This is thinking-in-scarcity. (You are likable and can make new friends.) Most people you do befriend will change or not last forever. As an example, when you meet another single girl at work then a month later she gets a boyfriend, you will no longer share the bond of being single.

Should you break up with your friend?….

There is conflicting advice about having a clean break from a friend or not. There are cases where a friend might have crossed a line in a dramatic way. It can be more of a case-to-case basis with something in an extreme. Most friendships are more fluid and ebb and flow. With social media, you might remain connected through that and keep up with each other. This is sort of why there might not be a reason to have a sit-down break-up. I had a friendship that I ended officially, but only because the pattern ended up being in an unbalanced dynamic that could not be changed.

Being friendly versus forming friendships….

Certain people you meet through classes or out in the bars can be just friendly interactions when you see them. It is perfectly ok to have casual connections. You might even have a total blast and bond for hours. It doesn’t mean that you need to take it to the next level. Allow yourself more interactions to be more breezy and fun.

Your friend-of-a -friend could lead to success….

Loose connections lead to job offers or lucrative introductions for networking. I have said that the second- and third-tier friends are the best at dating set-ups. They see you at your most social and have a larger net for introductions.

Your friendship might be unbalanced….

I had a friend I made and we would spend some quality time together. I would show up when their band was performing to show support. One evening, I overshared about hooking up with someone. Their reaction was saying, “we aren’t that close.” It was humiliating that I felt we were forming a strong friendship. In protest, I avoided them and distanced myself. It is possible that certain people appreciate that you go the extra mile, but a true trust and connection isn’t actually there.

Overextending for friends….

I hear all the time on podcasts discussing what a friend should do for a bachloratte party or when a friend gets married. Nine-tenths of the time, the bridesmaids get their wallets cleaned out from extravagant gifts and flights. In the micro-sense, friends can take advantage of kindness under the guise of being a good friend. It is important to really evaluate who is taking advantage or who is a true deep friend.

Life is long and life is short….

The life-is-short is a reminder to carpe diem when you are out having a great time. You might have the best night of your life with someone you never see or hear from again. That is ok and it shouldn’t be looked at as a failure. You have those memories and evidence that you are a good hang. In contrast, the life-is-long thing is for connections that ebb and flow. You could always reconnect with an old friend from high school in your 50s. You never know who is coming in and out of your life.

Bottom Line….

Casual dating is a normal thing in most people’s lives. There should be more casual friendships and a detachment of how certain friends are treated. The most common reason why people drift apart is because of physically moving away or going into a new chapter in their life. It is also a good idea to notice when you are overextending and acting closer than the connection actually is. Lastly, you need to stop being stuck in scarcity when it comes to friendships. Most people say they struggle with making new friends. You have to come from a place of abundance and believe you are fun and a good friend. Whoever chooses to stick around is meant to.

A Naughty List For Lovers

With the film “Baby Girl” coming out on Christmas Day I wanted to talk about the juxtaposition of holidays movies catered to adults. Christmas, like most holidays, is centered around children and families. It seems more taboo to embrace sexuality and kink. As young children the feeling and excitement of Christmas comes mainly from receiving presents without the burden of returning the favor. As adults trying to capture the excitement and anticipation, one of the ways we can do this is through sex. How can you spice up your holiday season with a situationship or partner? Here are some suggestions….

Have a sexy Holiday movie night….

There are a lot of unofficial Christmas movies such as “Die Hard” or “Gremlins”. However, they do not create a sensual vibe. If that’s what you’re looking for, there are plenty of lists online to google, but a few stand outs are “Eyes Wide Shut” and “Reindeer Games”. My personal choice is the movie “Go” which takes place during the Christmas season.

Go out to dinner and order oysters and champagne….

It’s a cliche, but there are food items that are more luxe and sophisticated rather than cookies or fruit cake. Dress up and go to an upscale spot that has a Christmas decor atmosphere before Christmas.

Model lingerie….

Surprise your partner with a red lingerie set and a Santa hat. Keep it playful and fun. Bonus points for festive dirty talk and role play!

Light candles….

Set the mood for the season by eating by candle light or go to a bar or restaurant that has a fire place and dim lightning. If your home has a fire place then light the fire and turn on the Christmas tree.

Hang mistletoe in a doorway….

It’s a cute reminder to kiss whenever you enter a home or bedroom.

Sing, play music, or create a playlist….

Great for music lovers. I recommend a blue tooth karaoke mic and singing on your phone in Youtube. For true musicians you can play music on piano or guitar. Or you can use Spotify or Apple Music to create a personal Christmas playlist. (For example Ariana Grande’s “Santa Tell Me”). Go beyond carols and stick to original Christmas albums.

Tie each other up using Christmas lights….

Is it silly? yes. However it can be memorable and a great sexy photo shoot idea.

Bottom Line….

Spice it up this season with your situationship or committed partner. You can create new holiday traditions that center around you as a couple versus obligations to family. All the suggestions are not to be taken seriously and can be modified for your liking. It’s good to think outside the wrapped Christmas box. Above all, remember to have some fun and de stress!

The Liking Complex Part 2: The Law of Detachment

So you have a new crush whom you know nothing about. He has enough mystery and allure that you put him straight on a pedestal. This can happen the most when you think this guy is perceived as out of your league. Your limerence will take over your thoughts and if you aren’t careful, your actions. How can you prevent yourself from repelling him energetically?

The power of detachment….

With any goal, career, or love you can’t have a choke hold on it. The more you want something and cannot see an option without it, the more it will slip through your fingers. Listen, there is no harm in having a secret crush. It motivates you to go out, wear the best outfit, and master the perfect makeup look. The only problem is when it turns into an obsession and you are plotting and scheming.

You have to trust….

When you are feeling obsessive you need to live in a reality when it doesn’t work out. Get back on the apps and on some dates to balance out the intensity.

Your mantra….

“it’s either this or something better.” That can diffuse the situation and not make him out to be the only man on earth. Maybe he isn’t a good fit and the universe is protecting you from him.

Play it cool…

When you tell your friends you have a little crush their first instinct is for you to take action. They will encourage you to add him on social media or go up to him and ask for his number. All of this if you are in the feminine energy is the worst move you can do. You are leaving it all up to him and now he knows you like him. It will put all the power in his hands and you are showing all your cards.

What can you do to loosen the grip?….

If it’s out of control, then switch up your routine and make other plans. If you are in a class with him, then sit further away. Especially when he has not spoken to you. In the case where he knows who you are and has spoken to you, then be polite and friendly and match his energy.

Do not orbit him on social media….

Did I say that already? You might think it’s all a part of the long game. It is a terrible habit to get into since you will now know where he is and who he is with. You will assume his sister is his new girlfriend and spend the weekend spiraling. Save yourself the headache.

Manifesting is nothing without detachment….

You might think manifesting is going after what you want. Think of it more as planting a seed, watering it, then trusting the universe will let it grow. Your part in manifesting isn’t every step. You have to trust that if he noticed you and is interested, he will take the steps to court you.

Bottom Line….

When you love someone set them free. You can’t be possessive or have a tight grip on someone without repelling it from you. Leave the room for him to come towards you. Not to say you should ignore him or be mean. Match his energy if he has decided to chat with you. It can be easy to take things too far when social media is involved. Too tempting to know his whereabouts and to plan your schedule around him. You new mantra is “it’s either this or something better.” You need to trust that if it’s meant for you, it would work out. The only action you need to put forward is being present and responding. Allow the courting process to happen if it’s meant to be.

The Gatekeeper: The Guy To Avoid….

Certain dates or chatting-through-the-apps might be met with men who are snarky and burned out. There are a few types of men to swipe left on, but one of the worst is what I call “The Gatekeeper.” This is the type of man that will hound a woman about her band shirt and demand she know every song and the order of the albums. How can you spot this type of guy and how can you avoid him?….

Negging….

Any sort of negging, aka making you feel stupid for an interest, or questioning your taste, is a clear sign. He might judge your appearance or question your taste in music or movies.

The niche thing only he can like….

You might be a fan of indie obscure music or movies. He will not believe it. You have to defend that you actually like a certain piece of media. This can also happen with forcing you to watch a certain movie or TV show to see if you “get it” or not. He loves to plant little traps and tests whenever possible.

He thinks of himself as unique and special….

He might think he is unique and a special snowflake. We all are being fed the same algorithm and are subject to what is happening in pop news and culture.

Liking a mainstream thing disgusts him….

You might like a pumpkin spice while watching “Sex and the City.” This to him makes you seem basic and he can’t stand when something is universally loved. When you bring up a band or movie that is popular he cannot fathom that you would know about any indie music or an independent film.

An older man’s game….

I find the type of man who most embodies this behavior is a man in his 40s. He is bitter and jaded and enjoys testing and grilling his dates for sport.

He doesn’t believe women can be cool….

He has very black-and-white views on gender. He is old-fashioned about “boy interests and girl interests.” He views women as more of an accessory rather than an equal partner.

How to avoid this guy….

You can probably spot him in a dating app profile being negative in the prompts or bio. He is snarky and loves “sarcasm.” In the real world, he can be spotted at the local dive bar or is himself a bartender while he moonlights being a DJ, musician, comedian, or indie film maker.

Bottom Line…

In his younger years maybe he was the bad boy and the women swooned. Now he is in his 40s and is jaded and annoyed about how much women have changed. Women are expecting more from men and most are opting out of relationships unless it’s a great fit. This angers these types of men and they take out their rage though passive aggressive messages and negging. I consider this type of man as the male “pick me.” He is focused on how “different” and “unique” he is. In reality, he is a dime a dozen and doesn’t realize that we are all the same. He loves to test and make you feel you are not smart or cool. Mostly, he has limited thoughts about gender and that women can be funny or talented.

How To Use Envy For Good

Most haters and trolls are coming from a jealous place. Some will dedicate reddit pages and be up late nights updating a hate club. All this energy, if channeled in the right direction, could have been used for a new career or lifestyle. The feeling of envy can be used to take a temperature of our true desires. For anyone who is lost or stuck in a soul-sucking job, how can you use envy for good?….

Get inspired not jealous….

If they can do it, so can you. Even just attempting and working towards your desires will make you happier. Be surrounded by friends who are accomplishing big dreams.

Would you trade lives with this person?….

Maybe a tiny piece of their life is fantastic. As a whole, maybe they aren’t close to their family or have severe anxiety. You are only seeing a positive sliver.

Fill up your cup first….

Most jealous and resentful people are doing way too much for other people. 9/10 of the time, the other person did not even ask for help or advice. It is easier to focus and fix a friend’s or boyfriend’s life and completely ignore your own.

Your desires are smothered….

Get back in touch with your intuition. This is a good starting place when you are too focused on what other people are doing. Pay attention to yourself.

Write down when you get jealous….

Scrolling though Instagram or when a friend tells you good news, what exactly made you envious? Get really granular about why you felt a pang of hate. There is a pattern that you are not paying attention to.

Start small….

Any career can first be a hobby or side-hustle. You don’t have to jump back into getting a PhD or anything drastic. You might discover it was only that he or she received a lot of attention and maybe you are lacking friendship or a social circle.

Bottom Line….

When harnessed correctly you can use envy to highlight your true passions. Just make sure it is not just for attention. There are many ways to get praise and admiration. Ask yourself why you need validation. When you are in alignment with your life, you pay less attention to what others are doing. A confident person would never start a hate club or troll on Instagram. Stop fixing other people’s lives and focus on you and your needs.

How To Interview A New Roommate

Our generation will live with roommates longer than the previous generations. With cost of housing and student loans, it is something that many people in their 20s and 30s have to deal with. But what if it could go smoother and with more harmony? In the past, I have made some roommate mistakes, from picking them to delegating household chores. What are some interview questions to ask a potential roommate?….

Picking a roommate….

Should you pick your bestie? Or a total stranger? It really comes down to a person you are not scared to bring things up to. In the case of interviewing a stranger, get a sense of how responsible they are. You don’t want a grifter to sign the lease or bring weirdos over. When you do pick a friend I suggest not your BFF. Becoming roommates can really put a strain on your relationship. Plus, you will be seeing them too often. Best case is they have been vetted by a friend that can vouch for them.

Is it better to let a single person live with you or in a relationship?….

Sometimes it can be a blessing when the roommate has a partner and they are never around. However, you don’t want to host her boyfriend on a nightly basis. A great question to ask is their relationship status and does her boyfriend live in town, etc. For single people ask how active they are at dating. This is a good time to lay out some rules for guests. The type of person who brings men back every weekend might not see the arrangement as a good fit.

What is their definition of clean?….

Some people like the apartment to be tidy and some need a deep clean every Sunday. Two opposite ends of the spectrum should not live together.

Whose furniture will be brought in….

You might have lived there before and now need a new roommate. Or you are both seeking a brand new apartment. The person with the most furniture will, in an unspoken way, somewhat have the upper hand. The person with just bedroom furniture could easily be kicked out. Same thing with the person who owns all the pots and pans and kitchen materials. Get that squared away so there are not duplicates.

What is their job?….

Some people have very unstable jobs or do not have the best work history. No shade to restaurant workers, but that type of job has a high turnover rate and they could get fired very easily. Given the choice, the best pick is someone that is planted in their occupation for years and has a great track record of holding a job.

Can they hang?….

Listen… you want your roommate to be somewhat flexible and not super rigid. Not to say either of you should be walked all over. It just feels better to enter the apartment and not be tiptoeing as you sneak into your room. It’s best when interviewing to take them out to a bar and see how uptight they are. Are they having a tantrum because the bartender forgot their lime in their cocktail?

Bottom Line….

Your home is your safe space. A roommate can make or break your peace and sanity. Biggest advice is make sure this person is vetted. You need to have people in common that can give you important insights. In the micro-sense, you don’t want to be sitting in your car avoiding entering your apartment because you hate their energy. You need a person who knows how to communicate and is responsible, and cherry-on-top, can chill and hang out.

The Brat Girl And The Rodent Boyfriend

Last year was “feral girl summer” which is an unapologetic trend for women. This year the two trends are “brat girl” and “rodent boyfriend.” The brat girl is someone who is a party girl and enjoys being single. The rodent boyfriend’s physical features look like a rat’s. He is more of an artsy creative type. I would say both of these people would be at the same party. How can you embody this trend and meet a rodent boyfriend?

Go to events….

This goes without saying. You have to show up to the party to be a party girl. Check your local paper or social media to find out what is happening.

Dress to impress….

Not to say you need to wear club wear. It is more of a female gaze-type dressing. Meaning you are NOT wearing normal (almost boring) clothes to impress men. You can lean into neon green, dye your hair purple, and wear spikey jewelry.

How to find the rodent boyfriend….

He might be at the poetry slam night, or indie movie night. Be prepared for him to man-splane about the cinema or gate-keep certain albums.

These two archetypes have different goals….

The rodent boyfriend is more introverted and prides himself in being unique. The brat girl is extroverted and wants to express herself outwardly. It can be a case of opposite attracts, but sometimes a difference in lifestyle can make it a short term summer romance.

The brat girl likes being single….

She isn’t chasing down men. Her goal isn’t to try to land a boyfriend. The point is she is having fun solo or with friends at the bar or club. This is a great lesson for many women to allow yourself to breathe and enjoy being single.

Take the brat girl attitude into the fall…

The thing about these certain summer trends is it is a way to try things out for a trial period. Hair color fades and you can donate your bright color clothes. Or… maybe this fits what you have been wanting to express. We get so bogged down with what other people want women to wear. It is nice to feel confident in going against the grain.

Bottom Line….

Both of the archetypes of being a rodent boyfriend or a brat girl are two independent people. They could cross paths and share something short-lived and that’s the point. It is living in the moment and enjoying single life. You are expressing a young attitude and outward appearance. You might dye your hair hot pink and wear intense makeup. The main thing is having fun and being with friends, most importantly, and to allow organic things to happen.

How To Get Dates From Instagram

It’s not a hot take that Instagram can be used as a dating app. However, there are ways to boost it to cultivate potential relationships. The thing about Instagram is it still feels like a fairly organic way to meet someone. At this time it does not have vulgar undertones. I will break it down for how the feminine-energy person can attract someone and how the masculine-energy person can pursue…..

Feminine Energy….
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Make sure your profile pic (avatar) looks great…..

This is how you are going to draw men in. Visually you need to look pretty and alluring. This is not the time to put a pic of your cat or a cartoon. You can still be private and attract a person with just one photograph.

The grid….

Try to not make your grid look like an OnlyFans. (Unless you are trying to start an OnlyFans or only want to receive requests to hook up). For me, my grid is my little art project, but it’s safer to have flattering pictures and some that show travel or personality.

Follow….

Is this the dropping the hanky technique? Maybe. Here is the safer option instead of a cold follow: I prefer following a guy in a band or art page who is local. It makes it seem more innocent, like I am just trying to connect to my community.

Watch a story….

This is taking it to the next step. You can watch a few stories. Do not heart or react or comment. You can just observe a few stories.

Wait for a DM or communication….

Now you wait to see if he has taken an interest. The first step is him sending a follow request. See if he watches your stories or likes any posts.

Masculine Energy….
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Go to the “people you may know” section….

These are women who could be mutual friends or are local. Pick someone who you think is attractive to you.

Send a follow request….

She might cut you off there. When she is taken or weirded out, then you are done.

Don’t send a rogue DM….

This to me is very thirsty. It comes off as “hey, baby girl, looking good.” It will give her the ick.

If she accepts the request….

Watch her stories and heart them. Keep doing this periodically.

Pick a story that resonates with you….

When there is a particular story that you found funny or can comment on, then this is when you do a reaction message.

Try to stay away from the fire emoji reaction….

Probably five other guys already did it. You want to be seen as classy and not an F-boy.

See how she responded to the reaction message…

You can gauge her excitement and welcoming nature. For example, her sharing a clip from a comedian you like. You could ask her about it or at the very least send a laughing face emoji reaction.

DM her…

DM her when all of the above has happened. Ask her out sooner than later.

Bottom Line….

When done right, Instagram can be a good tool to create a digital organic way to get a date. More people are on Instagram these days versus the dating apps. The popularity of the dating apps has swiftly decreased. This is a “new” way to put out feelers without a hard rejection in the wild. Make sure, both as a man and woman, to make your profile appealing to who you are trying to attract. Your instagram grid is your brand; make sure it appeals to your audience.

Navigating Bad-Weather Friends

We all know about a “fair-weather friend,” whom I consider mainly a 3rd-tier casual friend. Or, worst, a social climber who globs onto you, trying to ride your coattails. But a “bad-weather friend” is someone whom you talk trash with. Misery loves company when things are in the dumps. What happens when good things start to happen to you?….

You complain about men….

This one is super common for women to bond. The problem happens when one of you gets a boyfriend. The dynamic and roles change and the single friend might feel threatened. If this person is your BFF, then there are ways to minimize the drama….

Keep quiet about your relationship….

Influencer, Tinx, coins this “boyfriend sickness” when you bring up your boyfriend in every sentence. It can become grating on people. Plus, they are not in the relationship and can’t relate to your excitement.

When asked about your boyfriend….

Try to downplay everything, especially if it’s going well. The instinct is to shout from the rooftops, but it could invite criticism and jealously. They could plant toxic seeds into your subconscious and cause a fight within your romantic relationship.

Keep seeing your friends….

It’s important to not abandon all your friends. The smartest thing to do is to maintain your schedule and routines.

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You got a promotion at work and your friend is unemployed….

Finding a job is a full-time job. She might be used to complaining and to feeling lost and hopeless while you are thriving and about to make more money. It is tricky when two friends are not on the same financial level. The friend with money feels held back and the friend without money feels pressured to spend what they don’t have….

Help your friend meet the right people….

Instead of sending job alerts from Indeed, help them network with the right people. You can google search a meet-up group that might help and you can join for support.

As the wealthier friend, don’t be weird about Venmo….

To you, $20 here and there is not a huge deal to lose, but to her it’s the week’s grocery allowance. Try not to nickel-and-dime your friend for tiny things. However, you can’t expect her to go to a five-star restaurant either. Try to do more hang-outs at home with wine versus an expensive night out.

Have different types of friends….

It’s ok to have fancy friends and more-down-to-earth friends. Each can bring out a different side of you. The mistake is trying to force a friend into a different category. If you have gone from rags to riches, you will lose friends. However, it is fine to remain humble and low-key unless the energy is preventing success. The best friends are supportive even if it means you will see them less.

Bottom Line….

When good things happen keep it under wraps. The reason is more for your protection versus being ashamed of bragging. People who you have created a dynamic of complaining and bitching will be triggered when that changes. It is ok to have certain friends for certain categories. When it’s a best friend try to not brag and boast in front of them, especially if they are struggling. You can do your best to surround yourself with like-minded people. However, not all good news lines up with everyone. Overall, go against the instinct of sharing good news and spare people the details. Yes, friends should be excited, but it can also trigger their own insecurities that can unconsciously sabotage you.

The Summer Boyfriend: The Perfect Cocktail of Casual and Comfort

We all know about the “summer fling” or “feral girl summer,” both of which are unapologetic and rebellious. What is the “summer boyfriend”? It is more than a casual FWB or meeting men in the wild. This means exclusively hanging out with one guy within a certain time window. What are the benefits of the summer boyfriend?….

The “study abroad” mindset….

With summer versus the rest of the year, we may be traveling and have a looser schedule with school, for instance. It does not mean romance goes out the window. I love to think of myself studying in the south of Italy with a great man, knowing when I return home we will no longer see each other. You give it your all and carpe diem until August.

How is it different from a FWB?….

This is not a “come over to my house” at 11am guy. It is a man who actually wants to get to know you, but there might be a time limit attached.

Who do you pick for the summer boyfriend?….

In most cases this falls into your lap. For example, I had a great summer with this guy who was moving to New York City at the end of July. We made the most of it and had fun summer days at the pool and even did a huge cookout for Fourth of July. The important thing is you are NOT in a hook-up box. You prioritize actual dates versus late night shenanigans.

How a bite-size boyfriend experience can benefit you….

For anyone who suffers from future-tripping and not taking chances, this might help. It is ok to enjoy some romance even if it does not lead to the altar. It can create a shift in perspective that things can end and you should enjoy yourself instead of game playing and manipulating the outcome.

Why keep it exclusive….

It certainly does not have to. I find it happens naturally that he becomes the only guy whom you end up hanging out with. He might be a breath of fresh air from the other guys or he knows how to bring out your adventurous side.

Bottom Line….

This outcome does not mean it necessarily has to end when fall comes. It is getting into a mindset of living in the present. We worry so much about outcomes in dating. This is a good lesson of practicing authenticity while getting to know a person. Most importantly, it is erasing the over-analyzing and taking a microscope to every word he says. We live in a dating landscape of avoiding red flags and getting the ick. When you allow things to naturally unfold and get your ego out of the way you can actually enjoy yourself.