It’s Not Just A Free Lunch

I stand by a man paying for a date; however, he needs to keep it in his budget. There are girls who have zero intention of going on a second date with a guy and who order the lobster and most expensive champagne. Not saying a woman doesn’t deserve a fancy date now and then. How can both parties feel they are investing without getting the short end of the stick?…..

A first date should be drinks…..

Sure, you can do coffee, but it does not produce a sexy environment. Dating is not a quick errand; it needs to be thought out. Getting a few drinks in a nice environment may give as much opportunity for chemistry as a candlelit dinner. This does not mean top shelf or the most expensive wine bar in town (unless it’s in his budget). Be fine with a bar with a pool table and cheap drinks. Nondrinkers should go with a reasonably priced lunch.

First date location can be a negotiation….

Go low so he can go high. When asked where you want the date to take place, think of a simple middle-of-the-road place that is affordable. He deciding to up the ante is his choice. Be considerate of his money, especially when he is student or not working at a fancy job. However, you still deserve to be treated, even if it’s over beer and a slice of pizza.

Just because he paid big bucks doesn’t mean he is in love with you…..

Men with money have the advantage of impressing a woman. It might be written off to an expense account. He views it as more of a business expense rather than getting to know you.

Try not to do dinner on a first date…..

When you are unsure about your feelings for a guy, turn down dinner. You never know if he will make you split the bill or Venmo you later. It’s too much pressure and there is nowhere to go but down. A first date needs to be two people getting to know each other in a relaxed environment. Again, sure…. every blue moon a fancy date can be accepted, but it’s not a habit to get into.

Make sure you are doing your part…..

Put away your phone, dress nicely for the occasion, and put on a smile. You can be present and ask questions for an hour even if you aren’t crazy about a person.

Don’t string him along….

It’s very unkind to eat the free lunch over and over and have zero interest. You are the reason guys like going Dutch nowadays. Offer to pay the tip and actually mean it.

Bottom Line…..

When two people are into each other and investing, then it’s all gravy. However, a lot of the time it’s an unbalanced dynamic that results in people getting used. Do women get used? Yes. But men can be taken advantage of from women as well, resulting in him being sour to the next girl and only going Dutch from here on out. A woman needs to feel a guy is investing, but a man needs to feel she is grateful and present. Not saying that the only date you deserve is a cheap fast-food drive-through. A first date should be reasonable and within his budget. Be fine with a middle-of-the-road place that is more relaxed, unless he wants to take you somewhere fancy. Still, try to not be caught up in all the free lunches, because there is no free lunch.

The Half-Way Guy: Aka the Timewaster

“The Half-Way Guy” wants everything to be easy for him. The tell-tale signs are convincing you to travel to his part of town and wanting to split the check. You will most likely find this dude on Bumble because he can sit back and let the girl do everything. Dates are always on his time. He will dip his toe and have the other foot out. In the book, “The Rules,” by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider it talks about this type of guy. He is in the category of the “time-waster”. You never really understand why he says yes to a date at all. Most of his behavior cannot be explained other than he probably is bored or uses dating as a hobby…..

What are some signs you are on a date with a half-way guy?….

He didn’t make the first move – He might not even have the energy to send the first message.
He will blow you off, then suddenly demand to see you – If you suggest a time or place, he will turn you down. Then, suddenly, at the last minute he will beg to meet up.
He will not buy you a drink or a coffee – You will stand awkwardly at the coffee counter and have to pull out your wallet.
He asks you to come meet him half-way or in his part of town – He will not want to go out of his way.
If he does travel for you, he insists you come to him next time – You can tell he really wanted to just sit on his couch and have you come to him. Yet he begrudgingly came anyway.
He gives you zero compliments – You just spent an hour finding an outfit and you might as well have shown up in sweats and no makeup.
He doesn’t ask you questions – You will notice that you are only talking about him.

Why is this type of guy a problem?….

First of all, this date will not be fun to go on. There won’t be an effort on his end. You might start to feel insecure and take his lack of interest personally. I went on a date back in the OK Cupid days. I showed up at a Gyro spot in town. I realized I had forgotten to put my wallet in my purse before I left the house. He ended up rolling his eyes, ripping out a coupon from his wallet, and shaming me in front of the cashier, making a huge production about having to pay for me. After we went to a picnic table nearby, he saw an old friend. I waited while eating my cold gyro. He never came back to the table and I was left alone.

Should you even go on the date in the first place?….

In my experience, if a guy ignores you or cancels dates and then suddenly begs you to come out, it’s for selfish reasons. It’s not because he wants to actually meet you. It’s probably that he doesn’t want to eat lunch alone or is bored. You will show up and be inconvenienced and then he will act bored when you get there. Don’t go out of your way to meet this guy. He is not worth leaving the house for, trust me.

What if you do go anyway?…

Be prepared to be underwhelmed. He will make no effort to make you feel special. Again, he won’t even offer you a drink or buy your coffee. This sets up an awkward tone and vibe. Keep the date super-short. Just buy yourself another drink, then head out. Unmatch him right after. Do not give him another chance. This is infuriating because you spent the time to get ready, picked out an outfit, and put makeup on while he completely disrespects your time and effort.

“Was it my fault he wasn’t making an effort”?…..

If you are the one reaching out first, or striking up a conversation in the real world, it attracts this type of guy. Some guys like it easy and lean back to let the woman do all the work. He was hoping that you were going to be ok with going dutch and driving to his part of town. He might be exhausted by chasing down the girls he actually wants to date. He just wants a night to not make an effort.

Unmatch, remove friend, move on….

This type of guy is a good lesson and makes you appreciate a guy who really wants to impress you. Once you recognize this type of man he is easy to avoid. There is something to be said about planning a date in advance. He needs to look forward to it and keep up with you. Anything last minute is a bad sign. After the date, you will feel like he stole an hour from your life, especially if you don’t even get a free drink or a cheap cup of coffee!

Bottom Line….

The date will feel like you are on a boring job interview. He has little interest in your life or how you look. His motivation is just him having a human to talk to because he was bored. The worst part is you will get nothing out of the date. When I left the date with the Gyro guy I was super-embarrassed and felt stupid for showing up at all. Avoid an awkward date by observing his behavior from the start. See how much effort he actually is making. Try to avoid making the first move and the second move….and so on. Don’t accept dates that are only on his schedule and part of town.

Pre-Date Rituals

Last year, I went on pretty much every date that I was invited to. I just wanted to get my feet wet and master the perfect first date. I was mainly collecting data on what works and what doesn’t. I have found the most important part of the date is the “pre-date.” The pre-date rituals are very important in how smoothly the actual date will go. It’s a good idea to be in a right frame of mind. Your energy and vibe are probably the most important thing for a first date; when you are in a good mood, it shows. It also opens you up for a good conversation and connection. If you are feeling rushed and frazzled, it will be a wasted opportunity…..

What is the routine?….

Make sure you are shower fresh – A nice perfume is the cherry-on-top.
If you need to wash your hair, give it plenty of time to style – Men usually like hair to be down. If it’s a 100 degrees outside, I just don’t care and have to style my hair up, but I try to make it look intentional by wearing large earrings.
Give yourself plenty of time to apply makeup – Try to go more glam. I know it can be scary for you if you lean more toward natural. Go bold, wear a lipstick. This is the time to do it.
It may take a few times to get an outfit to work – You might not get it right on the first try. My favorite type of outfit is something casual with a fancy edge. I don’t recommend a tight, short dress with 5-inch heels. Although speaking of shoes, a nice feminine boot or maybe something with a block heel works well. Always be prepared to walk, you never know if a spontaneous romantic stroll will happen.

Get into the right mood….

Being in the right mood is everything. You have to get into the zone. First impressions will make or break a date, and it will show if you are annoyed or in a sour mood. Before you leave the house or even when parked in your car, listen to a meditation on your phone, call a super-positive friend, watch a funny YouTube video, etc.

Why a “pre-date” is a good idea….

Once you are dressed and ready, give yourself a 45-minute grace period to get to a bar or coffee shop near your date location. Use this time to settle in, get a drink, and answer any texts or emails. During the date, your phone should remain in your purse on silent.

Be a little late…

During this grace period, it’s a good idea to go to the bathroom, reapply perfume, and freshen your breath. Then wait on the text from your date saying he is there. It’s a good idea to be a few minutes late, which is why it’s best to be nearby and walk over to the date location. It shows you are busy and makes you look less eager. At this point, you should be relaxed and ready for the date.

Bottom Line…

It’s normal to feel nervous before a date. I used to have legit panic attacks in the car on the way there. Having a routine really helps you feel in control of the situation and gives yourself time to get into the right frame of mind. The getting-ready process at home is a part of the date; sometimes it’s the best part! Have fun, listen to music, laugh. Another way to get centered before a date is to meditate and do yoga. It can really help balance out nervous energy.