“The Boo Box”: Who Should You Treat?

Just found out what a “boo box” is through social media. Basically, it is a seasonal care package consisting of food, coffee, candles and all things cozy. This is a super-cute idea, however, it’s wise to pick and choose whom you treat. A woman wanting to be in her feminine energy should not be gifting and impressing, even though this is in her nature to do when she wants the person she is dating to feel loved. Birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day gifts should be proceeded with caution. Having said that, what should be in the boo box and in what situation should it be gifted?…..

Shopping Ideas….

The best gifts are handmade and something that feels too nice to give themselves. This is a celebration of fall, think cozy with seasonal flavors. The most obvious is to make your own pumpkin spice. This is a given and seems more gourmet when it is created by you. You can google the recipe and put it in a glass container with a fancy label. Then you need to consider that we are going into “cozy” season, and any sort of comfort and luxe will be appreciated. Cashmere socks give more of a sophistication rather than fuzzy sucks with a pumpkin (although that is very cute). Then you could carry on the clothing route with a nice robe or loungewear set. Next is seasonal coffee or tea. The loose-leaf option is a more high end presentation. With coffee, you could include a milk frother for those speciality pumpkin lattes. To top everything off, include a woodwick candle. The woodwick causes that ASMR crackling-fire noise for instant relaxation. I would go with a plain and clean design that could be reused.

Who Should Not Receive The Boo Box?…..

Anyone you are casually dating or in a gray area. I even think a boyfriend could be too high risk. It sends the message that you are trying to impress and buy their love in some way. A long- distance relationship might be the most logical. It is a care package and it seems like the right situation. Although take into consideration how serious this long-distance relationship is. It is better if it is temporary, you are engaged, and there is a wedding date. It is better to give wifey treatment to a future husband, not a man who sporadically texts.

Treat Yourself To The Boo Box….

For anyone who loves fall, this is a great excuse to make a trip to Home Goods and treat yourself to some fall delights. As far as blankets, robes, and loungewear, go for quality, not cheap polyester. It will last longer and look more sophisticated. However, it’s totally your call. No shame in leaning into fuzzy skeleton pants.

Have A Cozy Night With Friends….

You could have a bonfire night or stay inside and watch some scary movies. There are streaming services that do 31-days-of-Halloween. You can also gift your friends with homemade bread or seasonal desserts.

Should You Expect To Be Treated To The Boo Box?….

I only just discovered this a few days ago and I doubt everyone knows about it. Any woman whose love language is receiving gifts should probably be hinting about it. There are certain boyfriends who show their love though gifts and some that do not. Although it does not have to be as elaborate as I said. This is probably a great new tradition that committed couples will adopt.

Bottom Line…..

The Boo Box can be a great way to set off the fall season. For singles, I suggest you treat yourself to one. You now have an excuse to upgrade your loungewear. For couples, it depends on how committed you are. In my experience, it is always regretful to go above and beyond for a man who doesn’t even want you as his girlfriend. The wifey treatment should be reserved for a man who is all in. Either way, get cozy, stay in more, and share some chilly nights with friends and family.

Planning The First Date: Tips For Guys

These are tips for men who haven’t figured out the sweet spot of planning a great first date. Some go all in and come in too hot, scaring her away, while others give zero effort and make the girl decline and lose interest. In your grandpa or dad’s day, they would take full control, pick her up, and show her a great time. With the casualness of the apps, it’s hard to strike a balance of effort and effortless attitude. How should a guy navigate planning a first date?……

Scout out the best locations…..

It’s great to observe the best bars or coffee shops with a relaxed atmosphere, meaning lighting, how loud is it, is it distracting? Women love a great cozy energy so she can get comfortable. Candlelight is your friend and a private booth is a must.

First date should be drinks, if this is a blind date or an app date….

There needs to be an exit strategy, so planning an elaborate dinner or trip to the movies will backfire. Unless you live in a major city where everything has a reservation, then don’t make a reservation. You also need to be flexible when something out of your control happens at the location and you need to leave (such as a random bachelorette party that shows up or the music is blasting.)

Be confident in asking….

The wording is very important. It is better to speak in a confident way instead of a question. Say, “I would love to take you out, are you free Thursday evening?” There should be no confusion of knowing it’s a date or a friendly hang.

Some don’ts…..

One of my pet peeves is when I end up planning my own date. I understand that he wants to get it right, but it comes off as lazy or insecure. Not to say there shouldn’t be a few options in your back pocket just in case. Also, give her peace of mind that you are treating her and making the experience worth going on. Not to say you should over-promise and not deliver, more so just giving a sense of ease and confidence.

Have a time and place….

You have to communicate where the date will take place and what time. This sounds obvious, but some men seem to conveniently not give details in case they want to back out. Be concise and repeat the time and location, “Great, see you on Friday at 8pm; looking forward to it.”

Confirm by noon the next day….

This is crucial. When a man does not confirm, it leaves the woman thinking he changed his mind. It’s best to come off as looking forward to the date, plus women have to get ready and that takes time. This is another time to communicate in a confident way. Say, “Looking forward to tonight. Is 7pm still good?” Not, “Are we still on?” When you give options to cancel she will wonder if you want to cancel. This will cause insecurity and might make her change her mind and bail.

Bottom Line….

When certain actions are not implemented, then a date can fall apart. You want to come off in the first impression as confident and excited to meet. The confirmation text will make or break the date. You have to confirm! In this day and age, plans get switched up at a drop of a hat. Do men purposely not communicate clearly to avoid a date? Yes. But if you don’t want to give off an impression that you want to bail, then give her clarity and something to look forward to.

What to do when you encounter “kenjataimu” from a guy

Ok I know you are wondering what “kenjataimu” means. I used the Japanese word since the English phrase is somewhat vulgar. So, I will now say it in the scientific definition and hopefully, you can fill in the gaps. So here it is, “kenjataimu” is translated to “the post-coital period when a man’s thoughts are no longer impaired by his sexual drive.” I bring this up because most women run into this after sleeping with a man too soon. Then she will panic-text her friends and ask what happened. There is a reason rules to hold off sex are in place to protect from this yucky feeling. What can you do when you have walked straight into his trap and now you are brushed aside?…..

So you hooked up…..

He swiftly called you an Uber and shoved you out the door the next morning. As you realize your mascara has run all the way down your cheeks, you hold your breath that he will send you a “hope you got home safe text.”

“Maybe he is playing the 3-day rule”…..

You get home and try to act rationally. You figure he is playing coy and will resume texting you after a chill three days. A second date should be in order, putting you on a track for him to really get to know you.

A week goes by…..

You are still hopeful, yet don’t want to admit that you completely got used. You thought he was interested in what you had to say and the spark was undeniable.

Reality check….

So now what? He clearly ghosted…. Do you reach out and try to start over?…. A lot of women gloat that they met their husband by hooking up in a gas station bathroom. In reality…. It doesn’t happen as much as you think. Most of the time giving it up on the first date results in never being taken seriously, or a clean one-night stand where you never hear from him again.

“But I felt empowered”….

It’s great if you are truly on a casual journey and you enjoyed your time. More than likely you felt used. Because you were used. Saying yes to him too soon also makes a man think you do this with every man who asks.

There is more power in waiting….

Guys can see women in very black-and-white ways. The Madonna / Whore complex is very common-thinking among men. A man who wants to be your boyfriend probably would have not wanted to have sex on the first date. There is more power and dignity to wait him out and see what his motives are. (Although, let’s be real, some guys aren’t worth the elaborate “will they, won’t they”). Wait for the guy who is boyfriend material and treats you well.

Bottom Line….

With the casualness of dating apps and meeting at bars, this happens all the time. When you do meet in this way a man will more than likely see you as one-night-stand material. A great way to meet men is in person in a non-sexually-charged location. Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up. It happens to the best of us and everyone can get duped from time to time. Delete his number and keep your head high. In the TV show “30 Rock” the phrase “walk of shame” was flipped on its head to “stride of pride.” Be more intentional for when the right guy comes along.

Fashion Thrifting Dos and Don’ts

Over the years, I have learned from my mistakes and would like to pass them onto a novice thrifter. Some shopping faux pas cluttered my closet, had to be re-donated or thrown away. Yes, you are getting a bargain, so your mindset might be to splurge on useless fast fashion. I encourage you to treat shopping with a more sustainable mindset. Thrifting is great for the planet and your wallet. Yet, you can fall prey to a few rookie mistakes. What are some tips to stretch your dollar and be a more thoughtful shopper?….

Fabric choice…

This is hands down the most important thing to keep in mind. Since the clothes are used, they need to be cleaned properly. When fabrics are a polyester or a dreaded “wipe with a cloth,” in the long run, it is not sustainable. The fabric you should always buy is 100 % cotton. It is breathable, easy to clean, and doesn’t make you sweat as much. The second is linen, which is also a great fabric to keep you cool and easy to clean. A blend is ok as long as the fibers are natural. However, I understand that most work-out clothing is typically spandex.

Shoes…

You just need to make sure they are not on their last legs. Try on shoes and walk, see if the sole is still intact. One time, I bought sandals and when I took them home the bottoms popped out and crumbled. Make sure that the shoes are walkable and fit your lifestyle. It is tempting to purchase flashy high heels since they are cheap. The problem is you never end up wearing them and it clutters your closet.

Jackets….

Check out the men’s section first. Usually, you will get a cheaper option and a more classic look, especially in a leather jacket or denim. I personally like an oversized look in certain jacket styles. With leather and denim, do not hop on trends, meaning avoid cropped jackets or anything that is bleached (acid washed) or with too many extra designs or sewn in details. With the leather jacket, nothing beats a classic Moto jacket. If you come across a real leather classically shaped (nothing dated) jacket, then grab it. Any fake leather tends to peel. There are great vegan leather options out there; it is just rare to come across them while thrifting.

Know the brands…..

It is wise to know what brands are well-made. It is hard to tell when it is truly vintage. However, most vintage is more lasting since it is not cheap fast fashion. You might not come across high end luxury, but you could come across a nice brand that makes quality clothes. You don’t have to know all the Indie brands, but even well-known classic stores are better than a Walmart or Target brand.

Purses and bags….

This is the time to snag a going-out bag. It is fine to get something that you only wear here and there for New Year’s or a fancy date. I have gotten lucky and have found vintage Coach and Wilson’s leather, to name a few. Pick materials that will last such as leather or any natural material. Any plastic will peel and look ragged.

Tee-shirts…

This is again the time to shop the men’s section. There will be cool band tees that you can crop to make it more styled. With tee-shirts they usually run $5 so feel free to crop or cut out the collar if desired. You can even find athletic brand shirts that you pay a fraction of it new. Same thing with hoodies and sweatshirts.

Bottom Line…

Thrifting is a great opportunity to shop for less and to be sustainable. However, when you have to re-donate or when the items take over your closet, then you are missing the point. Be on top of closet clean outs and have a sense of clothing you wear all the time. A great find is something you can wear for all the seasons and can be dressed up or down. It is best to keep in mind classic cuts, shapes, and what brands are well made. Fabric choice is the number-one concern that will save you time and energy. Think long-term with materials and fabrics. You want things that will last and be easy to clean. Don’t be afraid to shop the men’s section. There are plenty of hidden gems that will be slightly cheaper. Last tip is to know the store’s policy. Some shops will allow you to return the item as long as you have the tags still on and the receipt. You will get back some store credit and save money on your next shop.

Why You Need To Delete The Dating Apps

Have I always felt this way?…No. I have said before that I forecasted the trend that dating apps will soon be outdated. I see the rise in dating mixers, speed-dating, and set-ups. In the past few years, I have noticed the shift of the apps completely turning into a man’s candy store. It does not favor women since men treat the apps like an escort catalogue. I decided to delete the apps for a full month. My detox has given me precious time back to focus on me again. Why should you delete the dating apps and what can you do instead?…..

The illusion of “saving time”…..

This was the big sell with the apps. The problem is you are still going on dates where he is seeing you in person for the first time. There are too many expectations and disappointments once you get face-to-face.

The gamification of the apps…..

The creators of the apps made it so you would enjoy swiping and getting into a gambling mindset. You want to keep swiping until you match with a better-looking person. Recently, the word has gotten out that apps are gatekeeping and will only show certain matches behind a pay wall.

How distracting they can be…..

Yes, you can limit yourself and be intentional. However, you are still spending time on it. When I deleted the apps, I became extremely productive and focused. When you replace swiping with a side hustle….it’s a better trade off.

It deters you from going out…..

You might feel more inclined to sit on your couch and swipe when you could have gotten dressed and met up with friends. Or worse, you are out with friends with your head buried in your phone.

You lose in your in-person social skills….

When you don’t use it, you lose it. Being social and charming is a muscle. When you are used to silent messaging, you are not practicing body language, tone, and reading-between-the-lines.

What can you do instead…..

I have said before that mixers and speed-dating need to be utilized. The mistake I made pre-apps was going out to bars hunting for men. You need to be intentional about the location of where you will be seen to better quality men – not f-boys. It is best to get out of your comfort zone and look your best. Join a meet-up group, co-ed soccer team, art class, etc. The set up can be a set back since it is too similar to the apps, although it can be a part of your game plan. Getting your face out there and making a great impression will save you time in the long run. When a guy approaches you in the wild, you will know he saw you and was attracted. A matchmaker can be a little dicey and not worth the money, unless you come from a culture that benefits from matchmaking and it is the norm. However, if it is a low price and seems like a deal, then give it a whirl.

Bottom Line….

Do it now…delete all your dating apps! At least, give it a trial period and after a month see how you feel. (Unless you only want hook-ups, then stick to the apps for that). For anyone who is tired of casual and wants to be treated with more respect, then get out of your comfort zone. Don’t be embarrassed to try speed-dating or a mixer. Make a point to go to a dating event twice a month. Maximize the experience by getting a blowout at a salon, get your makeup done professionally, and wear a great outfit. Most importantly, bring your smile and welcoming body language.

Calling Dibs Vs. Girl Code

In high school, my mindset was that when I called dibs on a guy, it would prevent him from pursuing my friends. I figured my friends would put in a good word and persuade him to date me…. In reality, a guy is going to like who he likes. You giving off a desperate energy will lead him right to your cute friend. I even think it isn’t wise to announce your crush to the group chat. Your friends might mean well, but they could ruin it for you by telling your crush and making it obvious. Everyone has had a girlfriend who wants to beat the system by claiming all the eligible men. She will claim it is against “girl code” to chat with her crush. What is the difference between “girl code” and “calling dibs” and what is asking for too much?……

What really is “girl code”…..

A rule of thumb is that when she has actually dated the guy, then do your best to leave him be. It is trashy to date her leftovers. You are always better to keep the peace with your friend. It tarnishes your reputation of not being a “girl’s girl.” This includes cheating with her boyfriend or even flirting with her current boyfriend or ex.

What is not “girl code”….

Here is the scenario…her crush has met her, has spoken to her, and has not pursued her. Sometimes, women will claim a guy for eternity so she doesn’t get hurt when he likes her friend more. Calling dibs really is hoarding men and preventing other people to find love. Sure, give her a chance at first and see if the guy is actually interested. There should be a cutoff when he has chosen not to date her.

How calling dibs comes across to men….

You are treating him like the prize when it should be the other way around. The word will get around that you have a crush on him. Your friends will be rolling their eyes once you leave the room. It doesn’t make you look confident or trusting fate that there is a perfect guy for you.

Why girl code is important…..

Crushes, and guys in general, should take more of a back seat. Women tend to weave and bend for men and cancel girls night just because she got a last minute “U up” text. Continue to live your life and enjoy your girlfriends, especially when all of you are single.

You cause so much drama when you break girl code…..

Your drama and chaos will never get you what you truly want. The guy will think less of you and see you as a floozy, not someone who has class. Fighting over men is ridiculous because there are so many men out there. It can feel like the only men worth dating are in your small circle – I assure you other men exist. Change up your routine and go out more.

Stop thinking in scarcity and think in abundance…..

Both calling dibs and breaking girl code comes from scarcity. As I said, you are limiting yourself and thinking small. Go inward and appreciate how unique you are and what is attractive about you versus your friends. Every man has a type and there is a man who will appreciate you.

Bottom Line…..

Don’t let your friend calling dibs confuse what girl code is. In extreme cases, you need to set her straight and give her a reality check. Try to build up her self-worth and spend more quality time together. Make girls night sacred and too fun to miss out on. When she feels fulfilled, she is less likely to ditch the group to hook up in an empty parking lot with a F- boy. If you are the girl calling dibs, then ask yourself why you feel you need to hoard all the men. Some women get more of a rush by breaking girl code, such as flirting with a friend’s boyfriend or ex. Keep in mind a man who is willing to cheat will do it with anyone willing. You are not special or more beautiful than your friend. Keep your girlfriends close before they go off and get married. You can’t get the precious bonding and memories back.

First Ever Relationships: Setting The Right Tone

This time of year, I like to reflect back to my school days and the choices that shaped who I am today. The first boyfriend in high school sets the tone for every relationship after. When you are treated like sh*t, that is what is going to be familiar to you. A first of anything is tricky since you have no frame of reference to compare. Any girl entering high school should be more cautious. How your dating journey starts really does matter. Here are types of boys to avoid….

The “way way older guy”….

Obviously a young girl wants to seem adventurous and brag to her friends that an older boy likes her. Although when you realize how much of a loser he is and manipulative, then you’d think twice. Any guy in college or even out-of-college-age guys cannot get girls their own age. He is taking advantage of naive girls who think that his playing in a garage band and working at Taco Bell is cool. He isn’t cool and he probably expects sex, and pressures you to do whatever he tells you. He likes to play puppet master, because you don’t know any better and being seen as mature trumps your safety or well-being.

The “parents-are-going-through-a-divorce guy”….

It’s pretty common for parents to decide to divorce by the time the children are in high school. The kids are old enough to be ok, plus they will be going across the county for college in a year or two anyway. So a lot of kids in high school go through it. It still puts a dramatic energy onto the guy. He is trying to deal with emotions and go through a “love isn’t real” stage, even if he doesn’t say that. He might be extremely moody and distant and not treat a girlfriend well just for karmic revenge.

The “he’s-too-cool-for-school guy”….

Yea, everyone loves a bad boy. These types will have their day in the sun, but not as a first boyfriend. He will be neglectful, selfish, and prioritize his interests or friends over anything. He will most likely expect a physical relationship sooner than you would want or be ready for. If you refuse or put up boundaries, he will be cruel and make you feel ugly or weird.

The “jock-who-has-to-put-you-down because he is an insecure guy”….

Doesn’t always have to be a jock, but someone who has a lot of pressure to perform. He could be Mr. Popular, class president , head of the drama department, etc, and has a reputation to uphold. This can result in him making sure you don’t embarrass him and can look good on his arm. His behavior results in being extremely controlling and wanting to know your every move.

The “class clown guy”….

So, any guy who is the “jokester” of the group is not the guy to be your first boyfriend. Sure, sometimes humor can actually be funny, but I am willing to bet he is a snarky, sarcastic guy who loves to make fun of everyone in his path, including you.

So who is the guy you should date?….

You are going to have many boyfriends. In high school, you think this is the only guy who will like you. It’s not true and it’s crucial to be with a sweet, caring guy. He is probably the guy who is just a guy. He doesn’t have immense social pressure to be cool, but also isn’t being shoved into a locker everyday. It will set the tone for knowing what a healthy relationship is. He has to listen to your needs and not try to push your boundaries until they break. You don’t have to be head over heels in love, you just need to be respected. He should not put your safety or well-being at risk.

Bottom Line….

High school will be your first long-term relationship; it can even last all four years. It’s important to choose wisely, or don’t choose at all and wait until college. It’s important at a young age to set a tone and know what a healthy dynamic feels like. You will be accustomed to the pace and feeling. It’s not going to be a crazy wild ride, of hot and cold. The sooner you get used to a drama-free relationship, then probably the sooner you can settle down and marry the right guy.

Back To School: Roomie Expectations

When going off to college, you will be introduced to living with a roommate. There will be bumps along the way to say the least. I am going to break down the types of roommates out there and how to navigate dealing with tricky roommates starting from college and beyond. What can you expect freshman year?…..

Communicate before the move-in day…..

Your college will give your their contact info. Back in the olden days when I went to college we found each other on Facebook. Open up a stream of communication, feel out the vibes, and talk logistics. Who will have the mini fridge, TV, coffee maker, etc.

Don’t treat her like your BFF….

The ideal relationship is that you will be on good terms. Don’t treat her like a bestie because you will need to lay down boundaries. It is too easy to let things slide when you are trying to impress someone. Make sure everything is fair and square with how the room is set up. Don’t let her take over the room. Be cautious with shared items such as the TV or mini fridge. It could be taken away from you if there is a fight. So beware of petty behavior. My old roommate loved leaving passive-aggressive post-it notes on the microwave. If you are living in a style where you have your own room and a shared living room / kitchen then buy your own mini-fridge and tv for your bedroom. You don’t want to fight about your roommate eating your leftovers.

Expect there will be conflict….

In the first year of college everyone is trying to adjust and fit in. People will be high on stress. Don’t take too many things personally, especially when you get ignored. Everyone needs a safe haven to go and sleep and decompress after class. Give each other space, but don’t let her make you feel awkward to be in your own room.

Be careful who you vent to…..

The rumor mill is not your friend. You don’t want her to think you are talking sh*t about her around campus. Be careful of private journals as well. It might not be smart to have a notebook someone could go though. Don’t bring anything valuable or sentimental with you to the dorm. Invest in a lock box if needed to store things under the bed. Your roommate might not be a thief, but dorms tend to be wide-open to friends dropping by, etc. Keep your stuff safe.

5 things to have for the dorm…..

1. Noise-canceling headphones – It can help you in the dorm when she is talking on her phone loudly and you have a deadline.

2. Eye mask – Napping is essential

3. First Aid and medicine kit – You might get sick out of nowhere. Pepto and aspirin will be a lifesaver, but be prepared with bandaids and cold medicine, too.

4. Flip-flops for the shower – have a handy shower caddy with the essentials. Don’t bother with soap since it is messy. Get a bottle of bodywash and avoid buying a loofah or wash cloth ( too many germs).

5. A hidden snack box – have snacks for when the dining hall is closed or when pulling an all- nighter. Have snacks that will keep and are wrapped to stay fresh. Don’t tell your roommate about it so she won’t steal your food

5 Types of roommates…..

“The Never There Roommate” – The best roommate ever! This is an ideal roommate to have in any life stage, minus hunting them down to pay bills or rent.

“ The Always There Roommate” – This happens more in the male space where he only plays video games. But yea… there they are…

“ The Roommate With The Boyfriend” – He….is…always…there. It can get frustrating when you just want to watch TV in the living room – or your food gets eaten.

“The Messy Roommate”– In my experience, don’t create a Cold War–let her leave the dishes. Just clean up for her. I know this is unjust and not moral, but she isn’t going to clean. Have a discussion about common areas being clean, but you will have to pick up the slack in the kitchen and in the bathroom.

“The Social Roommate”– She brings the party back to the dorm / apartment. Try to swash this by discussing it day one. Be crystal clear you don’t want late-night visitors. If she continues to do it then you need to switch roommates or move out. (In a dorm situation get the RA involved).

Beyond College…..

In my experience, it isn’t the greatest idea to live with very good friends. There are probably people out there who have had a blast with their roommate / bestie from day one….I just feel it’s more likely it could tarnish your relationship. It is better to be able to spend time in your room alone without having to entertain her. It feels a lot better to visit your really good friend to get out of the apartment for a while versus being with her constantly. Things do change after you live with a person and she will show you her true colors.

Signing leases…..

It is best to be in a position to not be locked in. Don’t let her trick you into paying extra for anything (unless you have the master bedroom, etc). Try to not be the one who has all the stuff – it will be trickier to move out. Wait until your have your own place to spread out and have your specific white comfy couch- all that. If possible have a deadbolt installed on your bedroom door. You don’t want anyone rummaging though your things or sleeping in your bed when you are out of town.

Make sure you aren’t the bad roommate…..

If you are paying your rent on time, keeping clean, keeping quiet, and minding your own business, then you are a perfectly fine roommate. As far as private landlords go: Keep your complaints very professional, be gracious when things are fixed, and act like an adult. You may need their reference to move to another apartment.

Bottom Line…..

Roommates can be a nightmare. It is always better to go in with the right expectations and attitude. In my freshman year they stuffed three of us together in an open room. ( not including my roommate’s boyfriend who was the unofficial roommate). The main conflict is going to be with boys- hands down. When she gets a boyfriend or is sleeping around it will become annoying (walls are thin…). Lay down the law before the crime happens and don’t let things slide. Don’t be aggressive, but don’t be passive-aggressive either. Be clear, and firm with your communication. Think of your relationship with any roommate as you would a co-worker. Make sure you are a good roommate as well ( pay rent on time, don’t be loud, be clean, mind your own business). In any difficult relationship treat it as an exercise in communication and growing your social skills.

Boyfriend Material

Most of us have probably agreed to be exclusive with the wrong guy. We always regret going off the market and shutting ourselves off from other men. When you are young there needs to be an exploratory time when you figure out what type of guy works for you. College is a great time to have a relationship under your belt. As we age, years fly by and we need to be careful of not getting stuck in a toxic loop with the wrong person. If you have reached a time in your life that you won’t settle for any guy who asks….It’s time to recognize who is ready to commit and who isn’t. Now onto the requirements….

Is he out of school?…..

A man is never ready to be serious if he is in school. He will never have time for you and will always put you last. When you still cling to this guy he will probably continue to sleep with you and then dump you once he has that nice paying job. Are there exceptions to this?…. sure, yet it’s a risky gamble with your time.

Speaking of a nice paying job….

Does he have a nice place to live, car, career? He will always say it’s the wrong time when he lacks these things. Once he is at a good point in his life, he is looking for the prize. You can’t get those years back when you thought being helpful would win him in the end…. It won’t. A nice place to live is also relative. He could have a one-bedroom apartment close to town, not a mansion in the Hollywood Hills.

Does he respect your needs?….

Are you always on his schedule? Does he not put you into consideration with anything in his life? This is a big deal. Some men only want to treat you like a pet. He needs to see you as a human being and respect your boundaries and needs.

Is he a provider?….

He needs to make you feel taken care of. It doesn’t always mean being a provider with money. What happens when you are sick with a cold? Do you just receive a text or does he come over with soup and medicine?

Is he supportive of your dreams?….

Maybe you want to start a vegan cupcake shop. Does he have a supportive ear, or does he only bring up the cons? Men tend to want to fix and solve problems. Yet, if the tone is always discouraging, then it’s not helping you to move forward or get anything done. You need supportive people around.

How does he spend his money?….

No one wants a cheap boyfriend, and on the flip side, no one wants a big spender either. There needs to be a balance and healthy money habits.

What are his vices?….

Everyone has vices. We all have healthy coping mechanisms and unhealthy ones. Some people lean more on unhealthy coping. It can be a problem that to unwind he drinks a bottle of Jack and blacks out every weekend. Pay attention to how he deals with stress.

Does he have road rage?….

This might seem like a little thing, but do you dig your nails into the dashboard every time he drives. His disregard of not trying to keep you safe is alarming.

How does he fight?….

Are you always “the bitch” to him? Some people have zero emotional intelligence and just want to win no matter the cost. He might like fighting for fighting’s sake, or refuse to talk anything out and ignore you for a week. An argument should be constructive and fair. You both should solve the issue and be heard.

How does he make you feel overall?….

Does he always manage to stress you out or peer-pressure you? A partner should make you feel balanced and calm in a stressful situation. Of course, there will be times when there is a random fight or two. Check in with your gut. When you leave the date or his apartment, do you feel better than before, or do you feel amped and stressed?

Does he answer “your bid”?….

“The Gottman Institute” has some great resources for signs your partner is right or wrong for you. The biggie is called “the bid.” An example they use is, “Hey, look at that woodpecker in our yard!” Does he barely shift his gaze from his phone or does he get up and look out the window? One of the signs a couple will divorce is if the bid is not answered.

You heard rumors he has a wondering eye….

Being warned, or hearing though the grapevine that he is a player….listen. It’s probably true and he will deny it just to save face. It’s actually really easy to cheat and lie.

Are you both on the same page about what a relationship is?…..

Some guys call their friends-with-benefits their “girlfriend,” even though it’s purely a sex-based relationship with maybe take-out Chinese food here and there. This might sound shocking, but there are guys who don’t understand what true commitment is ( or they pretend not to). If “the talk” is brought up, ask what being exclusive means and let him speak first. You might be surprised what he has to say and realize you are on two entirely different wavelengths.

Bottom Line…..

Before you decide on becoming exclusive, think about what life stage he is in. It is true that at a certain age, men’s “cab light” turns on ( a la “Sex and the City”). He decides that now is the time to commit. He is done with school; everything is stable. When you are navigating your 20s, it’s normal to have a sampling of boyfriends to figure out your taste. Just don’t let that go on with one person past a year. When you reach your 30s, there needs to be more of a vetting process. Adult dating is having the freedom to simply shop around and date. You shouldn’t feel pressure from your parents, friends, or the guy wanting to be your boyfriend. Pay attention to the details before you make the leap to commitment.

The Caged Bird: Should You Be Tamed For A Man?

There has been a ton of commentary on the Jonah Hill scandal this week. I am sure, like all celebrity gossip goes, it will be yesterday’s news next week. However, it did bring me to some evergreen issues that do come up in dating. For anyone who does not know, Jonah Hill’s ex- of two years ago, aired their private text exchange to the internet. It showed how Jonah weaponized therapy-speak to control his then-girlfriend. As an example, she is a professional surfer / model. His insecurity brought out mean and it’s-my-way-or-the-highway verbiage. Every podcast in my rotation has brought up their take. I picked up what is called “The Madonna / Whore Complex.” This is when a man is attracted to the salacious woman who is beautiful and sends thirst traps. Yet, when he gets the girl, he needs to cage the wild bird. How can you avoid a man who views women in such a black and white way?…..

What he is attracted to will become the biggest fight….

How he found you will usually worry him once he gets you. He might have sent a DM slide with a fire emoji with a pic of you in a bikini. Then his insecurities will set in where he will think every guy could pull that move.

Why playing hard to get can be in your favor…..

I briefly dated a guy from India. We had discussions about the differences in culture from America. The topic of dating came up and he said that in India the woman always turns down a man three separate times before agreeing to a date. In our modern American culture women tend to feel pressure to “help a guy out” and let him have the green light to ask her out. We view men as shy and not capable of showing a girl he likes her. In reality, a grown man, even if shy, will figure out a way to impress the girl he really likes. It is a reminder not to be so accommodating.

You don’t have to be tamed…..

If you want to be a free spirit, then do it! Unfortunately, the majority of men will eventually want to domesticate you. That is the pitfall of getting into an exclusive relationship.

Clean up your self-image if desired…..

This is for the girl who either doesn’t realize how she is coming across, or is sick being shoved into the hook-up box. It is never a bad idea to take down the pics of you with a red solo cup in a bikini top. You might want to think of future employers as well. Any drunk pics or inside jokes, yet unflattering captions or photos should be deleted. Not to say you shouldn’t showcase your personality; just air on the side of classy. Same thing goes for in-person how you look or speak. You might want to stop cussing like a sailor and wearing cut-off daisy dukes.

Dating goes in phases…..

It is perfectly ok to change your mind or your lifestyle. Outsiders will try to push you to remain the same if it benefits them. Your true friends will encourage you to drink less and go back to school. As far as dating, it is perfectly ok to find yourself, get messy, and date any man you desire. There will come a time where you want a guy that suits you and then you can cross that bridge when you get to it. But no shame in remaining the wild child, own it!

Bottom Line…..

A man is attracted to the wild woman until she becomes the girlfriend. There will be sacrifices you will have to make in a relationship. Jonah’s points and requests were a little extreme, however, there is a nugget of truth in them. No one wants to date a person who is stumbling in at 4am. Men like to provide and protect and mold a woman into someone they can be useful towards. The woman who met her man while doing shots at last call will be questioned and judged later on. Insecurities will creep in about how easy you were to get. Long-term, it is a better strategy to be a challenge. However, if you are a wild child and refuse to be anything different, then own it. Be you.