A Naughty List For Lovers

With the film “Baby Girl” coming out on Christmas Day I wanted to talk about the juxtaposition of holidays movies catered to adults. Christmas, like most holidays, is centered around children and families. It seems more taboo to embrace sexuality and kink. As young children the feeling and excitement of Christmas comes mainly from receiving presents without the burden of returning the favor. As adults trying to capture the excitement and anticipation, one of the ways we can do this is through sex. How can you spice up your holiday season with a situationship or partner? Here are some suggestions….

Have a sexy Holiday movie night….

There are a lot of unofficial Christmas movies such as “Die Hard” or “Gremlins”. However, they do not create a sensual vibe. If that’s what you’re looking for, there are plenty of lists online to google, but a few stand outs are “Eyes Wide Shut” and “Reindeer Games”. My personal choice is the movie “Go” which takes place during the Christmas season.

Go out to dinner and order oysters and champagne….

It’s a cliche, but there are food items that are more luxe and sophisticated rather than cookies or fruit cake. Dress up and go to an upscale spot that has a Christmas decor atmosphere before Christmas.

Model lingerie….

Surprise your partner with a red lingerie set and a Santa hat. Keep it playful and fun. Bonus points for festive dirty talk and role play!

Light candles….

Set the mood for the season by eating by candle light or go to a bar or restaurant that has a fire place and dim lightning. If your home has a fire place then light the fire and turn on the Christmas tree.

Hang mistletoe in a doorway….

It’s a cute reminder to kiss whenever you enter a home or bedroom.

Sing, play music, or create a playlist….

Great for music lovers. I recommend a blue tooth karaoke mic and singing on your phone in Youtube. For true musicians you can play music on piano or guitar. Or you can use Spotify or Apple Music to create a personal Christmas playlist. (For example Ariana Grande’s “Santa Tell Me”). Go beyond carols and stick to original Christmas albums.

Tie each other up using Christmas lights….

Is it silly? yes. However it can be memorable and a great sexy photo shoot idea.

Bottom Line….

Spice it up this season with your situationship or committed partner. You can create new holiday traditions that center around you as a couple versus obligations to family. All the suggestions are not to be taken seriously and can be modified for your liking. It’s good to think outside the wrapped Christmas box. Above all, remember to have some fun and de stress!

The Liking Complex Part 2: The Law of Detachment

So you have a new crush whom you know nothing about. He has enough mystery and allure that you put him straight on a pedestal. This can happen the most when you think this guy is perceived as out of your league. Your limerence will take over your thoughts and if you aren’t careful, your actions. How can you prevent yourself from repelling him energetically?

The power of detachment….

With any goal, career, or love you can’t have a choke hold on it. The more you want something and cannot see an option without it, the more it will slip through your fingers. Listen, there is no harm in having a secret crush. It motivates you to go out, wear the best outfit, and master the perfect makeup look. The only problem is when it turns into an obsession and you are plotting and scheming.

You have to trust….

When you are feeling obsessive you need to live in a reality when it doesn’t work out. Get back on the apps and on some dates to balance out the intensity.

Your mantra….

“it’s either this or something better.” That can diffuse the situation and not make him out to be the only man on earth. Maybe he isn’t a good fit and the universe is protecting you from him.

Play it cool…

When you tell your friends you have a little crush their first instinct is for you to take action. They will encourage you to add him on social media or go up to him and ask for his number. All of this if you are in the feminine energy is the worst move you can do. You are leaving it all up to him and now he knows you like him. It will put all the power in his hands and you are showing all your cards.

What can you do to loosen the grip?….

If it’s out of control, then switch up your routine and make other plans. If you are in a class with him, then sit further away. Especially when he has not spoken to you. In the case where he knows who you are and has spoken to you, then be polite and friendly and match his energy.

Do not orbit him on social media….

Did I say that already? You might think it’s all a part of the long game. It is a terrible habit to get into since you will now know where he is and who he is with. You will assume his sister is his new girlfriend and spend the weekend spiraling. Save yourself the headache.

Manifesting is nothing without detachment….

You might think manifesting is going after what you want. Think of it more as planting a seed, watering it, then trusting the universe will let it grow. Your part in manifesting isn’t every step. You have to trust that if he noticed you and is interested, he will take the steps to court you.

Bottom Line….

When you love someone set them free. You can’t be possessive or have a tight grip on someone without repelling it from you. Leave the room for him to come towards you. Not to say you should ignore him or be mean. Match his energy if he has decided to chat with you. It can be easy to take things too far when social media is involved. Too tempting to know his whereabouts and to plan your schedule around him. You new mantra is “it’s either this or something better.” You need to trust that if it’s meant for you, it would work out. The only action you need to put forward is being present and responding. Allow the courting process to happen if it’s meant to be.

The Gatekeeper: The Guy To Avoid….

Certain dates or chatting-through-the-apps might be met with men who are snarky and burned out. There are a few types of men to swipe left on, but one of the worst is what I call “The Gatekeeper.” This is the type of man that will hound a woman about her band shirt and demand she know every song and the order of the albums. How can you spot this type of guy and how can you avoid him?….

Negging….

Any sort of negging, aka making you feel stupid for an interest, or questioning your taste, is a clear sign. He might judge your appearance or question your taste in music or movies.

The niche thing only he can like….

You might be a fan of indie obscure music or movies. He will not believe it. You have to defend that you actually like a certain piece of media. This can also happen with forcing you to watch a certain movie or TV show to see if you “get it” or not. He loves to plant little traps and tests whenever possible.

He thinks of himself as unique and special….

He might think he is unique and a special snowflake. We all are being fed the same algorithm and are subject to what is happening in pop news and culture.

Liking a mainstream thing disgusts him….

You might like a pumpkin spice while watching “Sex and the City.” This to him makes you seem basic and he can’t stand when something is universally loved. When you bring up a band or movie that is popular he cannot fathom that you would know about any indie music or an independent film.

An older man’s game….

I find the type of man who most embodies this behavior is a man in his 40s. He is bitter and jaded and enjoys testing and grilling his dates for sport.

He doesn’t believe women can be cool….

He has very black-and-white views on gender. He is old-fashioned about “boy interests and girl interests.” He views women as more of an accessory rather than an equal partner.

How to avoid this guy….

You can probably spot him in a dating app profile being negative in the prompts or bio. He is snarky and loves “sarcasm.” In the real world, he can be spotted at the local dive bar or is himself a bartender while he moonlights being a DJ, musician, comedian, or indie film maker.

Bottom Line…

In his younger years maybe he was the bad boy and the women swooned. Now he is in his 40s and is jaded and annoyed about how much women have changed. Women are expecting more from men and most are opting out of relationships unless it’s a great fit. This angers these types of men and they take out their rage though passive aggressive messages and negging. I consider this type of man as the male “pick me.” He is focused on how “different” and “unique” he is. In reality, he is a dime a dozen and doesn’t realize that we are all the same. He loves to test and make you feel you are not smart or cool. Mostly, he has limited thoughts about gender and that women can be funny or talented.

How To Get Dates From Instagram

It’s not a hot take that Instagram can be used as a dating app. However, there are ways to boost it to cultivate potential relationships. The thing about Instagram is it still feels like a fairly organic way to meet someone. At this time it does not have vulgar undertones. I will break it down for how the feminine-energy person can attract someone and how the masculine-energy person can pursue…..

Feminine Energy….
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Make sure your profile pic (avatar) looks great…..

This is how you are going to draw men in. Visually you need to look pretty and alluring. This is not the time to put a pic of your cat or a cartoon. You can still be private and attract a person with just one photograph.

The grid….

Try to not make your grid look like an OnlyFans. (Unless you are trying to start an OnlyFans or only want to receive requests to hook up). For me, my grid is my little art project, but it’s safer to have flattering pictures and some that show travel or personality.

Follow….

Is this the dropping the hanky technique? Maybe. Here is the safer option instead of a cold follow: I prefer following a guy in a band or art page who is local. It makes it seem more innocent, like I am just trying to connect to my community.

Watch a story….

This is taking it to the next step. You can watch a few stories. Do not heart or react or comment. You can just observe a few stories.

Wait for a DM or communication….

Now you wait to see if he has taken an interest. The first step is him sending a follow request. See if he watches your stories or likes any posts.

Masculine Energy….
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Go to the “people you may know” section….

These are women who could be mutual friends or are local. Pick someone who you think is attractive to you.

Send a follow request….

She might cut you off there. When she is taken or weirded out, then you are done.

Don’t send a rogue DM….

This to me is very thirsty. It comes off as “hey, baby girl, looking good.” It will give her the ick.

If she accepts the request….

Watch her stories and heart them. Keep doing this periodically.

Pick a story that resonates with you….

When there is a particular story that you found funny or can comment on, then this is when you do a reaction message.

Try to stay away from the fire emoji reaction….

Probably five other guys already did it. You want to be seen as classy and not an F-boy.

See how she responded to the reaction message…

You can gauge her excitement and welcoming nature. For example, her sharing a clip from a comedian you like. You could ask her about it or at the very least send a laughing face emoji reaction.

DM her…

DM her when all of the above has happened. Ask her out sooner than later.

Bottom Line….

When done right, Instagram can be a good tool to create a digital organic way to get a date. More people are on Instagram these days versus the dating apps. The popularity of the dating apps has swiftly decreased. This is a “new” way to put out feelers without a hard rejection in the wild. Make sure, both as a man and woman, to make your profile appealing to who you are trying to attract. Your instagram grid is your brand; make sure it appeals to your audience.

Navigating Bad-Weather Friends

We all know about a “fair-weather friend,” whom I consider mainly a 3rd-tier casual friend. Or, worst, a social climber who globs onto you, trying to ride your coattails. But a “bad-weather friend” is someone whom you talk trash with. Misery loves company when things are in the dumps. What happens when good things start to happen to you?….

You complain about men….

This one is super common for women to bond. The problem happens when one of you gets a boyfriend. The dynamic and roles change and the single friend might feel threatened. If this person is your BFF, then there are ways to minimize the drama….

Keep quiet about your relationship….

Influencer, Tinx, coins this “boyfriend sickness” when you bring up your boyfriend in every sentence. It can become grating on people. Plus, they are not in the relationship and can’t relate to your excitement.

When asked about your boyfriend….

Try to downplay everything, especially if it’s going well. The instinct is to shout from the rooftops, but it could invite criticism and jealously. They could plant toxic seeds into your subconscious and cause a fight within your romantic relationship.

Keep seeing your friends….

It’s important to not abandon all your friends. The smartest thing to do is to maintain your schedule and routines.

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You got a promotion at work and your friend is unemployed….

Finding a job is a full-time job. She might be used to complaining and to feeling lost and hopeless while you are thriving and about to make more money. It is tricky when two friends are not on the same financial level. The friend with money feels held back and the friend without money feels pressured to spend what they don’t have….

Help your friend meet the right people….

Instead of sending job alerts from Indeed, help them network with the right people. You can google search a meet-up group that might help and you can join for support.

As the wealthier friend, don’t be weird about Venmo….

To you, $20 here and there is not a huge deal to lose, but to her it’s the week’s grocery allowance. Try not to nickel-and-dime your friend for tiny things. However, you can’t expect her to go to a five-star restaurant either. Try to do more hang-outs at home with wine versus an expensive night out.

Have different types of friends….

It’s ok to have fancy friends and more-down-to-earth friends. Each can bring out a different side of you. The mistake is trying to force a friend into a different category. If you have gone from rags to riches, you will lose friends. However, it is fine to remain humble and low-key unless the energy is preventing success. The best friends are supportive even if it means you will see them less.

Bottom Line….

When good things happen keep it under wraps. The reason is more for your protection versus being ashamed of bragging. People who you have created a dynamic of complaining and bitching will be triggered when that changes. It is ok to have certain friends for certain categories. When it’s a best friend try to not brag and boast in front of them, especially if they are struggling. You can do your best to surround yourself with like-minded people. However, not all good news lines up with everyone. Overall, go against the instinct of sharing good news and spare people the details. Yes, friends should be excited, but it can also trigger their own insecurities that can unconsciously sabotage you.

The Summer Boyfriend: The Perfect Cocktail of Casual and Comfort

We all know about the “summer fling” or “feral girl summer,” both of which are unapologetic and rebellious. What is the “summer boyfriend”? It is more than a casual FWB or meeting men in the wild. This means exclusively hanging out with one guy within a certain time window. What are the benefits of the summer boyfriend?….

The “study abroad” mindset….

With summer versus the rest of the year, we may be traveling and have a looser schedule with school, for instance. It does not mean romance goes out the window. I love to think of myself studying in the south of Italy with a great man, knowing when I return home we will no longer see each other. You give it your all and carpe diem until August.

How is it different from a FWB?….

This is not a “come over to my house” at 11am guy. It is a man who actually wants to get to know you, but there might be a time limit attached.

Who do you pick for the summer boyfriend?….

In most cases this falls into your lap. For example, I had a great summer with this guy who was moving to New York City at the end of July. We made the most of it and had fun summer days at the pool and even did a huge cookout for Fourth of July. The important thing is you are NOT in a hook-up box. You prioritize actual dates versus late night shenanigans.

How a bite-size boyfriend experience can benefit you….

For anyone who suffers from future-tripping and not taking chances, this might help. It is ok to enjoy some romance even if it does not lead to the altar. It can create a shift in perspective that things can end and you should enjoy yourself instead of game playing and manipulating the outcome.

Why keep it exclusive….

It certainly does not have to. I find it happens naturally that he becomes the only guy whom you end up hanging out with. He might be a breath of fresh air from the other guys or he knows how to bring out your adventurous side.

Bottom Line….

This outcome does not mean it necessarily has to end when fall comes. It is getting into a mindset of living in the present. We worry so much about outcomes in dating. This is a good lesson of practicing authenticity while getting to know a person. Most importantly, it is erasing the over-analyzing and taking a microscope to every word he says. We live in a dating landscape of avoiding red flags and getting the ick. When you allow things to naturally unfold and get your ego out of the way you can actually enjoy yourself.

Florals And Femininity

Spring is in full bloom and a great time to grow flowers. Even the representation of a flower can bring you into a more girly mindset. How can you use the symbol of flowers to invoke your feminine nature?….

Plants versus cut flowers….

I personally would rather have a living plant versus cut flowers. Yes, a bouquet of roses can be great. But then… they wilt and die. I love buying orchids or even a cactus flower that will bloom. Orchids especially represent fertility and royalty.

Grow your own rose bush….

Pick your favorite flowers to grow on your porch or garden. You can plant other types of flowers in pots to start especially when you have limited space.

Florals in clothing….

Is it on trend every spring? Yes. I would go with a timeless floral pattern. I will say it is easier to grow tired of the pattern and you won’t want to wear it all the time. A great floral pattern is something that goes beyond a typical rose. A bird of paradise print can look very tropical and timeless.

Flower sheets and drapes….

When you live in a feminine and warm environment, it can rub off on you. Rose pattern duvets or sheets are a great start. It is good for feng shui purposes to think of romantic colors like pinks and blushes. You can add little touches such as a floral throw pillow to get started. Your art work could be of flowers as well.

The floral tea cup….

A dainty tea cup can bring out the princess in you. You can thrift a cup and saucer very easily.

Have a rose bath…..

Add some petals to your bubble bath for extra luxury.

Wear a floral perfume or rose shampoo….

This is the season for light and sweet scent

Some flowers are edible….

Look up edible flowers and add them to your plate or a beverage. Most violets are edible and can even be used as a simple syrup for cocktail or mocktails.

Bottom Line….

Use spring to bring out your princess energy. I love buying a flowering plant for inside and outside. It is a much better feeling to see a plant bloom. Take an assessment of how your bedroom looks. It is a great time to do a refresh. I believe in feng shui and invoking a type of subconscious vibe to project to the world. You can feel like a queen with floral beverages, lavish baths, and a sweet fragrance.

PSA For Comedy Fans

I recently went to a comedy show with semi-professional comedians. Everything was going great until….an unknowing heckler started chiming in. She was maybe in her 50s and it could be possible that this was her first comedy show. Not only did she disrupt the show by talking, but her phone rang for ten minutes during a set. For anyone wanting to watch live comedy and get into the scene, I have some notes. There is such a thing as comedy etiquette. What can you do to become a great audience?…..

First off there is planned material….

I want to get down to the basics. Comedians are not winging it doing an improv set (although some do). The material is meticulously planned out and timed. When you interrupt, you are stepping on the joke and messing up the timing.

“But…comics do crowd work”….

Yes. Comedians will do crowd work or have to deal with a heckler. However, they prefer to not go off script and dedicate a whole set to an audience member. If they ask someone in the crowd a question, they are willing to do crowd work.

“I am making the show funnier”….

You actually aren’t. In the case of this older woman, it was giving “barfly” energy. Meaning, it was attention seeking and desperate.

How can you be a good audience….

Show up on time – don’t be coming in late where everyone is distracted unless it is a huge venue
Turn off cellphones- make sure you phone is silent or off
No talking during a set- Again, in certain settings you might need to order a drink at a bar, but beyond that zip it
Don’t get up during a set- wait to use the bathroom and try your best not to cross in front of the stage
Laugh- they want you to laugh and clap and be present
Don’t sit in the front row- unless you want to be part of the show, sit further back
Don’t wear a crazy outfit- try to blend in as best as possible to avoid getting roasted
If appropriate, compliment- If they are standing near the exit after the show tell them it was a great set
Don’t corner them- You have to be brief and see if the comic wants to chat. Don’t hold him or her hostage
Don’t heckle or yell out- goes without saying. Do not interrupt the show unless prompted by the performer.

Bottom Line….

Be a respectful audience member to the comedian. Even if you do not like the performance, still be respectful. Most of the rules are not to disrupt the show and to distract the comic from the set. It is never ok to yell out. You may think you are being hilarious and “helping the comic out.” I assure you, you are not. It is attention seeking and a lack of self-awareness. Anyone who wants to “be apart of the show” should look inward and possibly take an improv class. It can give you perspective on how hard it is to perform in front of people.

Dressing For The Female Gaze

Most millennials have been taught to dress for the male gaze. This can be a great thing to consider for when you are really getting out there with dating. There is such a thing as a correct first-date outfit: Dresses, skirts, and non-patterns are a good starting point. However, when you are in a dating break it is wonderful to explore your own personal style. There is a whole brand “man repeller” which explores style that is geared towards fashion risks and expanding. When I watch “Sex and the City,” Carrie Bradshaw’s style is truly her own taste and vibe to impress herself. How can you cultivate your own style and lean towards the female gaze?….

What do you gravitate towards naturally….

You might be shopping or thrifting and get giddy when you see a certain style or color. Follow influencers and fashion accounts on social media to get a feel of what your taste is. Usually, there is a name for the aesthetic that you can dive into. I love using key words that describe what I enjoy. For example, you might be drawn to more edgy or preppy outfits.

What are the current trends…

Not suggesting you need to jump on every bandwagon. I love watching style channels on Youtube just to get a sense of what is trending. I prefer to not look dated, but to be seen as “in the know.” The great thing about fashion is that you can look amazing at any age just by choices and silhouettes.

You don’t have to sexualize yourself….

Personally, I love to dress in a modest way. My jacket obsession will never die since it is a chic way to layer an outfit and make it all come together. Not to say you can’t wear short shorts or a low-cut shirt if that suits you. But…. ask yourself, is this for you or men? Do you get the most attention from a miniskirt and a cleavage low-cut top? Is this the only reason why you wear these items?

What is the decade that resonates with you?….

No matter what is trending, you might be drawn to the 70s or 90s, for example. It is great to play off of what makes you smile and what brings in the most compliments. You could be drawn to bright colors or certain textures.

Understand that prints and patterns can fade fast….

You are always better off peppering in patterns and mainly wearing basics to balance it out. Leopard print is back in a huge way. It is a style that you can keep and wear again. Certain patterns highlight the time period when it was big, such as chevron ( which was big in the mid-2000s). Stripes, leopard, and gingham are always in so it is a safe place to start. Prints however, are a one-of-a-kind design for the most part. It is safer to buy something unique that you enjoy.

Silhouettes and shapes….

There are certain shapes that look great on everyone. I love that we are in a wide-leg era again. It is a trend that cycles back and does not change. As far as baggy jeans, it is hard to get it to look flattering. It can make you look too bulky if it is not styled correctly. As far as loose dresses, a belt can be a great way to highlight your waist and give you some shape.

Foot wear…

Finally, comfortable shoes! I am not a heels girl, which is the most alluring to men. I personally just feel like a deer on ice in them. I might make a compromise by wearing a hefty block heel or platform Mary Janes. If you decide to purchase sneakers, go with a white, black, or neutral. Not to say a color sneaker can’t look great. As far as ballet flats, it is your call. I remember ten plus years ago I would walk sockless in a gold ballet flat. At the end of the day it was a swampy smelly mess. I do appreciate that the ballet flats are worn with socks. My favorite is more of the chunkier ones that have a sturdy sole versus a little slipper.

Purses and accessories….

Get creative, why not? This is where the styling comes into an outfit. It is easy to thrift unique belts or a fun purse or bag. It is great to have an everyday bag when you do errands. I prefer a cross-body style in order to be hands free. But why not have that bag be leather or a more luxury material? As far as going out, bags I have always had a vision of was me with a little silver sequin bag on New Year’s Eve or some cute little bag you take out when you dress up. Jewelry is a whole other thing that comes down to personal taste and style. Some people look amazing when they wear 20 necklaces. It is a matter of what physically feels right to you. I don’t love wearing earrings since they tend to itch and pull after a few hours. I love a great ring or bracelet and a simple necklace.

Bottom Line…..

Anyone who is in a “putting yourself out there, going on weekly dates” era can ignore this article. However, it is fine to have taste and stretch a little out of your comfort zone. Gather inspiration from Youtube and social media and make a shopping wish list in your notes app. It is fine to go slowly and maybe just wear a statement jacket or shoe to start. Most important is to feel excited about dressing up and stretching out of your comfort zone.

When You Shouldn’t Send The “Anti-Ghost” Text

We all want to be humane in dating. No one wants to be ghosted or rejected. I would say if rejection needs to be voiced, then do so. However, the “anti-ghost” text does not always have to be implemented. I went on an app date one time and it was very clear we were not connecting and it wasn’t going well. He felt he had to send a “postmortem” text recapping the date. I would have been totally fine with just a simple fade-out. When is it rude to send out the anti-ghost text?…

What is the anti – ghost text?….

It is a communication letting your date know you are not a fit and you will be moving on.

When is it appropriate….

When your feelings towards each other are not meshing you do not want to mislead someone. It is unfair to the person who really likes you to be duped or blindsided.

See how he or she acts after the first date…

You will know how it went when there is no communication. On the date you need to be able to feel out the overall chemistry. You will know when a date is not going well when there are dead silences and awkwardness. See how long the date lasted and if a drink was offered or not. You can tell by body language and lack of interest in asking questions. With app dates you are meeting a person for the first time. They might have felt there was a connection through text, but in person it did not translate.

There is no need to recap the date when it didn’t go well….

No matter how you felt there is no need to add insult to injury. People know when a date is not clicking and more often than not it is mutual. Some people feel the need to express what the person failed to do on the date. It is only going to push that person away and insult them.

Beware of too much communication before a date….

The more you talk on the phone and text before the first date, the worse the meeting in person will be. It makes sense to be cautious especially when a date is long distance. Most men will not want to jump on a zoom. Anyone can be great through text or a phone call. It is a false sense of closeness that can backfire.

When a man is truly interested you will not be left in the dark….

Most second dates are made on the first date. Phone numbers will be exchanged and he will express that he had a great time. Most men are not coy and trying to play it cool. Momentum is real and he will want to lock you down before someone else scoops you up.

Keep going on dates with others….

When you are getting out there and meeting a lot of new dates it is good practice to keep it moving. It is a mistake to wait around holding onto someone who is not interested. You should not send a text to “end it” just to make yourself feel better. Some people encourage transparency, but it feels unnecessary to text a person just for the satisfaction of rejecting someone. Delete the number and move on.

Bottom Line…..

Admit to yourself that you know when a date goes well or not. You are smarter than you give yourself credit for. Men are not playing aloof or coy on dates. It will be clear when he is interested and wants to see you again. Men should not send out the postmortem text as well. It is rude to reject and insult your date when it simply just wasn’t a good fit.