I personally do not have Spotify, but I love the concept of having the data of what mood and vibe you were in for the year. Most of us probably didn’t calculate our dating data, or even what were the total of first dates that led to second dates. But, hey, maybe we should pay more attention. Regardless, it’s time to think how we felt about 2023 as a whole. This is advice I gathered for this year and what to work towards for a more enjoyable dating experience. How can you reflect and start the new year on the right foot?….
Your year as a whole….
Maybe dating took a back seat, but you got a nice promotion at work. It is best to be proud of other accomplishments and see the whole picture. You could have met a few more friends or gotten closer to family. Give yourself credit for those things.
What was your worst date and what was your best date?…..
Reflect on both extremes and pick apart the reason it went sour. In contrast, think about why a date went right. Go through length of the date, type of date, location, what you were wearing, if you had a pre-date, etc. You can notice patterns that could have caused it to go well or flop.
How many dating-app dates versus real life?….
Yes, dating-app dates are easy and convenient. But they are probably not the quality dates you want. You could say you went on 100 app dates this year, but they probably only resulted in a first date. Stop being scared of dating mixers or speed dating. ( I do prefer a mixer versus speed dating since it isn’t forced). It can be a great opportunity to meet multiple men in person.
Were all your dates coffee dates?….
If you want a job interview environment, you got it. The atmosphere does not foster a romantic connection. I understand you probably want a sober date versus a bar. You have to think of environment and lighting first. You can choose how many drinks you drink or how long you stay. Find a romantic ornate tea shop and go there for a sober date versus a Starbucks. It’s all about an atmosphere that will encourage you to relax and connect.
Do you need that revenge body?….
The better you look, the better the choices and the better you will be treated. Is that fair? No. It’s just how dating works. Invest in yourself and take care of your physical appearance. Get your hair done, buy a new outfit, join a gym, get your makeup done professionally. There is zero downside to looking more attractive.
Should you be more choosy?….
This is the time to trust your intuition. Give yourself enough time to get to know someone before you go on a date. The “ick” can creep on you sooner than you expect. It’s best to feel things out before you dive in. Quality over quantity. It’s ok to go on fewer dates.
Bottom Line….
This year for me was not so great for dating, but good for other aspects of life. Dating is not the be-all and end-all and you should try to become more well-rounded. Try your best to think outside of the dating apps. If you haven’t tried to involve your friends or gone to a mixer, then give it a whirl. Be more choosy of whom you give your time to. It’s ok to go on a date once a month instead of once a week. If you want more options, then work on your physical appearance. It will open more doors in all aspects of your life. Most importantly, it’s best to repeat what really was working and bringing you joy this year.
In the past couple years, there have been a lot of gurus preaching “vulnerability.” Everyone should chose an authentic path and speak the truth to others. You cannot bottle up your own feelings and be a fake person. I do want to address that there is a gray area when it comes to early dating. I want to talk about what people mean by being vulnerable in a dating context. What should you say and do on the first few dates?…..
What is vulnerability on a first date / early talking…
I want to stress that these experts do not mean “trauma dumping.” It might feel like they are encouraging you to bare your soul to strangers. They simply mean to stop saying, “how was your weekend.”
Starting the conversation in the second act…
Shakespeare started his plays “in the middle.” He used very little setup and backstory and dove straight into the action. A lot of experts bring this up as a style of connecting to people. It is better to act like you already know the person.
Feelings, not facts…
I have brought this up before. It is so much better to tell a story through emotion. Facts should be avoided as they always come off cold and boring. Again, this does not mean you are in a therapy session. Example: Fact- “I went to college in Arizona in 2009.” Story- “I can’t even look at Sunny Dee anymore; going to college in Arizona people couldn’t get enough screwdrivers.”
Beware of generic topics…
In my own experience, as you get older it’s harder to speak about music and movies. When you bring up one thing and they say they haven’t heard of it, then you are dead in the water. I am guilty of wanting to chat about celebrity pop culture, but again, typically men aren’t as tuned in to that. You can certainly dip your toe in and see if you are aligned on movies. It does make a conversation flow better when you can connect on something. I would rather you speak about movies than trauma bonding. So, at worst, explain the movie or album.
How is your tone…
Men respond to women who make them feel relaxed around them. Most of their dates are interrogations; be a breath of fresh air. I understand you need certain answers to move forward, but when you push it and force questions, he will not like it. Also, keep in mind a man can just lie to you. It is better to get the feel and zero into your intuition around him.
A man will tell you what he is looking for…
He will put you in a box the moment he lays eyes on you. He has a certain standard for how a girlfriend acts or looks like. I say this to not put so much pressure on what you say. As long as you aren’t in a bad mood and complaining, you should be fine. Witty banter is the goal, of course, but positivity is more important.
Listen more than you talk…
The secret to charisma is the power of letting the other person talk about themselves. He will give you the answers you are seeking when he feels comfortable.
Learn how to flirt…
I admit it is a delicate dance. No woman wants to encourage a man to only want to sleep with her. I do think certain types of flirting can backfire. Think of it in terms of being charming and complimentary, not licking your lips and pulling his tie.
Bottom Line…
The biggest thing to keep in mind is if he likes you, he likes you. I have tried to be little-miss- witty and win a guy over. The decision has already been made. Not to say you should roll your eyes and look at your watch. There should be responsibility to be easy-breezy and be a good hang. On the flip side, vulnerability does not mean trauma-dumping or bonding. The best thing to practice with friends, co-workers, and dates is speaking with emotion and story. No one wants a dry interviewer or someone demanding answers. If you cannot be relaxed or calm, consider taking a break from dating. A lot of tensions and heartache can build up and cause you to come off mean and impatient. Men, in a nutshell, want a woman to be pleasant to be around and look like his type.
I have spoken about the downsides of hitting on bartenders or anyone in a service-based industry. I want to take it a step further and explore the BIG “off limits men.” These men can be more appealing because they are taboo. However, the reason men fall into the “no” category is because of how they affect other people. I will break down what type of men are forbidden and why it’s never a good idea….
A best friend / sister’s ex….
This is breaking “girl code.” You are being selfish and not putting your friend or loved one into consideration.
Married men….
He will say over and over he will leave his wife for you. And yet….you are still sneaking away to dark alleys and shady hotels while he goes back to his family in the morning. This is also a thing that you should go by the rule, not the exception. It is harmful to your self-worth and you are a home wrecker.
Anyone who you pay….
Even the man who mows your grass. This goes back to my “Hitting on Bartenders” article. There are always going to be men who seem appealing that you did not swipe on. You will feel seen when they remember your name and go the extra mile. This is a big trap that both men and women fall into and it only results in an awkward and inappropriate situation. There are men who will physically touch you (hair dresser, massage therapist, dermatologist, etc). You could feel the spark, especially if you are deprived of affection. It is never a thing to explore.
Your priest, rabbi, or spiritual counselor….
In the show, “Fleabag,” the main protagonist goes all the way with her priest. It was shocking and has an erotic element because of the forbidden and even immoral nature. This is not a common scenario, but I do think it comes from a man with no sexual agenda helping you that is appealing to women.
Your son’s friend….
I have been thinking of Jada Pinkett Smith since she is currently in the news. She speaks about her “entanglement” with rapper August Alsina who is 21 years younger. I am pretty open about age gaps, but an extremely large one when one party is below 27 is inappropriate. Not going to throw only women under the bus with this, men have been doing this for eons. Usually, he progressively dates younger after each divorce until she is younger than his daughter.
Your therapist….
I am separating this one from the “men you pay” category because women really do fall for their therapists. He knows your deep dark secrets, he listens, and he gives his thoughtful advice. To women, this is what intimacy is. Men aren’t usually attracted to a therapist, there are no porn categories of “therapist and patient.” Going back to the priest example, it is another time a man is helping without his own sexual agenda.
What is the solution?….
Not going to minimize the piercing attraction you feel with these forbidden men. Most women’s sexuality is tied to fantasy and “will they, won’t they.” It can be somewhat unbearable when you are hit with a strong spark from the wrong guy. There are some action plans to combat the feeling.
Recognize if you are in dry period of dating – Most of the time you will be fantasizing about the mailman when you have no options. Your brain likes to stay in a romantic energy and will find any man to fill the void.
Make a zen garden- The Buddhists believe in work that results in a “flow” state. This could be where you physically have no time to think outside of what you are doing. Some examples are re-wallpapering your room, gardening, or cleaning your gutters.
Reject yourself- Some people still hold onto to a crush because there was no “no.” When we are rejected, the door has shut and it is easier to wash our hands with it. In this case reject yourself in a firm way by giving a reality check. It is always better to go in with an assumption he is not interested or available.
Admit you are starved for affection / attention – When you are in this state this is when you make bad decisions. In this case, it’s much better to get that energy out though a dating app. Even if you don’t meet up it is better to flirt and get attention
Get busy-“idle hands are the devil’s playground.”“If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.” Ok, I will stop saying cliché phrases… but, you might have too much time on your hands that can be put to better use.
Bottom Line….
A crush and fantasy can be healthy, yet I put an asterisk next to these type of men only because an obsession can build up more from people who are seen as forbidden and taboo. There are real consequences from pursuing these types of men. You can break up a marriage, hurt a person’s career, or simply have a humiliating experience. This is the time to put your shields up, assume they are not interested, and move on with your day. Anything interdict makes captivating television, but in reality, at worst, it can be life-ruining for both parties.
Halloween is a the perfect holiday to meet someone new. Being in disguise can break down some self-doubt and allow you to let loose. Men don’t normally have immense pressure to look sexy. The average Joe tends to lean into a funny costume or what I call “the mascot” costume where he is completely hidden. When you use your time wisely it can be a night to really maximize your social capacity. What are some tips for single men to stand out this season?….
Try on your costume before the night….
Make sure everything fits ok and is comfortable. Give yourself enough breathing time to replace something or scrap the idea for a better one.
Get noticed….
Costume choice matters. The worst move is only dipping your toe into a “costume.” I have seen men who wear a T-shirt that says, “this is my costume.” It might be a personal preference, but it gives me the ick when a guy half-way participates. This is one night to get creative and have some fun.
Have a game plan….
Bring in the wingmen for some assists. It’s best to get the crew together, maybe for a group costume if possible, and have a few hype men. Go barhopping and attend all the events to maximize meeting the most women.
Make sure your costume is practical….
Bathroom lines will be long, you need to be the backseat of an Uber, you need to be able to see, etc. It is best to show your face. Not saying a funny blow-up dinosaur costume isn’t funny. You will not connect with women when they cannot see your eyes and expressions.
It’s a numbers game….
Try not to get locked into one person. The mistake I see is when men laser focus on the first girl who speaks to them and holds her hostage for the night. Get into the flow of chatting, maybe getting contact info if the vibe feels right, and then keeping it moving. The reason is that this is a rare night when the homebodies are out and about. You will be meeting people you had no idea existed since they probably do not frequent the bars often.
Be safe….
I say this a lot, but it would be embarrassing to wind up in jail in a Halloween costume. Take Uber or walk to your destinations.
Pre-game….
Bonus points for being a host of the pre-game party. Only do this when you live close to downtown and it is on the way for people. This is also a great time to meet new women in a non- chaotic environment. For men who are not knowledgeable on how to host, this could be a learning opportunity. Just make sure to make the experience fun. You should provide drinks and a festive vibe. Put on a scary movie in the background, light candles, and have a goth playlist.
Have a budget…..
Anyone who gets a little too generous with buying people drinks should bring cash only. It will limit you to a certain dollar amount and you won’t get your credit card left or overspent. Also, when women know your tab is open, they can order drinks and you may get stuck with a higher bill than expected. When treating women to drinks, don’t get an expensive cocktail. In my city, we have half-shots that are inexpensive. If there are special cheap shots, then go with that. In general, offering a shot is better because it’s quick and easy while still appearing chivalrous.
“The walk of shame”….
Getting lucky can happen on Halloween. When you take a girl home, be kind and let her borrow or keep some clothing she can sleep in and go home in. Give her clothing you don’t care about losing, not expensive items. She wants to not be embarrassed the next morning and wants to not stand out when she makes her way home.
Bottom Line….
Singles on Halloween will be ready to mingle. Get noticed and do not hide yourself in a costume. Think practical in case you get lucky, and be safe so you don’t wind up with a mug shot of you dressed as a hot dog. Take charge and orchestrate your friends coming out and also host a pre-party to meet more women. Think in terms of getting numbers versus zeroing in on one girl. Have a budget and a plan overall, because in the witching hour things can get chaotic. Collect instagrams, not numbers. You will forget what the women look like and it’s good to have a visual reference. Finally, enjoy your night in a safe way and get into the spirit.
I start thinking of Halloween costumes in September. For me, it is a time to get creative and express myself in a way I cannot do on a daily basis. There have been years when I simply get “writers block” with a costume and other times when I hit it out of the park. When I brainstorm to make an impactful costume, the three ingredients are: #1 Instantly recognizable, #2 Funny or Creative, and #3 Sexy. In this article, I break down evergreen ideas and tips to spark some inspiration…
The Classics…
I think it’s almost better to be a classic because you just show up and enjoy your time. I would say the big classic costumes are : witch, devil, cat, angel, clown, vampire, skeleton, ghost, pumpkin , etc. It can always be modified to have a unique vision.
Mystical Costumes…
Halloween to me is a mystical holiday, so I like leaning into that. A few examples are: a tarot reader (fortune teller); a celebrity in the illuminati ( red dress with illuminati fake tattoo on the forehead); an alien; men in black; fairy; conspiracy theorist (tin foil hat)
Movie Characters…
This can be tricky and requires all the details to be there with no cutting corners. Meaning, you might need to spend more on the perfect wig, sunglasses, or other props. A few popular movie costumes are from: “Scream,” “Fight Club,” “Austin Powers,” “Scarface,” “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas,” “Blade.” Google a movie you like and see if someone has done a costume for it.
Makeup and Wigs…
There are many YouTube makeup tutorials out there to watch and learn, although it is fun to experiment for yourself and see what works. Most stores have makeup just for Halloween, which could be cheap eyeshadow palettes and body glitter. You don’t have to be a professional makeup artist, but give yourself enough time to mess up and redo it. Wigs can be expensive. I have noticed there are some good realistic wigs on Amazon. I got my wig (unopened) at a thrift store, so it was slightly cheaper than at a Halloween store. I actually went to Target the other day and noticed the basic wigs are slightly cheaper there as well.
Easy Last-Minute Costumes…
Sometimes we just can’t get it together. There also might be a situation where you are expected to go to multiple parties. In this case, you need to think simple, yet effective. One of my favorites is to be a jewelry thief. You will just need a black cat suit and eye mask with big fake costume jewelry. Your purse could be a pouch with the money symbol. Y2K is also big right now. You could be a trashy celebrity from that time — just, please, do not actually pluck your eyebrows.
What costumes you shouldn’t wear…
Cultural appropriation is a big no-no in Halloween. It does not matter what your intent was or wasn’t… just avoid it. It is not worth it in the long run. Someone could dig up an old photo of you and bad things could happen. Any costume that is another culture’s native dress should be avoided.
Time-period costumes…
When I see costumes of clothing I wore in middle school it makes me laugh. Stepping back in time can bring up fun nostalgia. You could be a 1920s flapper or 1950s housewife, a hippy, or an 80s hair-metal rocker. You could even go way back in time and be a medieval king, queen, jester, or pirate.
Purses and Jackets…
This can be tricky since you need a place to hold your money and you might get cold. Some places do have coat checks and that’s great, but most do not. A jacket and purse can take away from a costume. You also want to be hands-free to dance and move around. I love a simple belt bag that blends with your costume. Or have the purse be part of the costume. As far as coats and jackets, consider what climate you live in and if you can incorporate the coat into the costume. If not, you will be probably sweaty and hot from dancing so a jacket may not be necessary anyway.
Celebrity and pop culture…
I see more couples dressing up as celebrity couples. The thing to keep in mind is: does the celebrity couple have a recognizable look? ( A great example is Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wearing the iconic all-denim outfit). For a solo celebrity, do you already resemble the famous person? I remember when comedian Trevor Noah dressed as the musician “The Weeknd” and people lost their minds. Certain looks and outfits are firmly planted in the cultural lexicon and those looks should be used, not a meme from six years ago.
Occupation costumes….
There are a lot of occupation costumes you can pick from. In these instances, there needs to be a twist as a zombie or very sexy. This is the time for visual puns and a “wink and a nod” ideas. The occupations that are mostly used are police, nurse, chef, nun or priest.
Group or couple costumes…
I love when families tell a story though costumes. For example, the family could be dressed as The Addams Family, and a couples costume could be a pirate and a parrot.
Ease of wear and sustainability…
I do not like wearing a costume that comes in a bag. I understand in certain instances you have to do it. Try your best to shop your closet first and see what you can pull out. Next would be thrifting a costume. It is important to be practical. Bathroom lines will be long and you will be standing and dancing all night. Take into consideration being comfortable and safe. Six-inch heels might not work for someone who never wears them.
Sports….
This sort of goes with the occupation costumes. You need a twist on it to make it more scary or sexy. You can’t just walk around with a basketball jersey. A better option is to be a USA Olympian with a leotard with USA across it. A cheerleader is another great one that everyone will get immediately.
Another Holiday or Event Costume…
One year, this guy dressed as a Salvation Army bell ringer with a Santa hat. It got me thinking about other holidays you could dress up as, such as a New Year’s Eve partiers or a New Year’s Eve baby. As far as events, any sort of wedding event is recognizable and it’s easy to do a twist on it (slasher or zombie bride).
Have a pre- going-out photo shoot…
Nothing worse than not getting one pic of your costume while out. In a party and downtown, things are chaotic and everyone is moving though the crowd, and the lighting is bad. It’s great to orchestrate a ”getting ready” party with a photo booth. Hang a piece of fabric, cool patterned sheets, or tape some wrapping paper to a blank wall. Grab a bendy desk lamp to create dramatic lighting. Position the lamp or multiple lamps to get a cool lighting effect. Or you can have a beauty light to attach to a phone and people can take selfies.
Bottom Line….
Halloween costumes are a great way to express your creativity. Some years you are buzzing with ideas, and some require looking though Pinterest boards for inspiration. I try to avoid anything that is the hot costume of the year. I just don’t want to compete with 20 other girls dressed as the same thing. Not to say being a classic is bad. There might be a handful of witches or angels. However, you can always do your own twist and make it your own. As far as group or couple costumes, it is best to tell a story. Goes without saying to never dress in another culture’s dress. No matter how you feel or that it’s not fair, in the long run it is not worth it. Lastly, remember to combine the three important rules to all costumes: recognizability, creativity / funny, and sexy.
Just found out what a “boo box” is through social media. Basically, it is a seasonal care package consisting of food, coffee, candles and all things cozy. This is a super-cute idea, however, it’s wise to pick and choose whom you treat. A woman wanting to be in her feminine energy should not be gifting and impressing, even though this is in her nature to do when she wants the person she is dating to feel loved. Birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day gifts should be proceeded with caution. Having said that, what should be in the boo box and in what situation should it be gifted?…..
Shopping Ideas….
The best gifts are handmade and something that feels too nice to give themselves. This is a celebration of fall, think cozy with seasonal flavors. The most obvious is to make your own pumpkin spice. This is a given and seems more gourmet when it is created by you. You can google the recipe and put it in a glass container with a fancy label. Then you need to consider that we are going into “cozy” season, and any sort of comfort and luxe will be appreciated. Cashmere socks give more of a sophistication rather than fuzzy sucks with a pumpkin (although that is very cute). Then you could carry on the clothing route with a nice robe or loungewear set. Next is seasonal coffee or tea. The loose-leaf option is a more high end presentation. With coffee, you could include a milk frother for those speciality pumpkin lattes. To top everything off, include a woodwick candle. The woodwick causes that ASMR crackling-fire noise for instant relaxation. I would go with a plain and clean design that could be reused.
Who Should Not Receive The Boo Box?…..
Anyone you are casually dating or in a gray area. I even think a boyfriend could be too high risk. It sends the message that you are trying to impress and buy their love in some way. A long- distance relationship might be the most logical. It is a care package and it seems like the right situation. Although take into consideration how serious this long-distance relationship is. It is better if it is temporary, you are engaged, and there is a wedding date. It is better to give wifey treatment to a future husband, not a man who sporadically texts.
Treat Yourself To The Boo Box….
For anyone who loves fall, this is a great excuse to make a trip to Home Goods and treat yourself to some fall delights. As far as blankets, robes, and loungewear, go for quality, not cheap polyester. It will last longer and look more sophisticated. However, it’s totally your call. No shame in leaning into fuzzy skeleton pants.
Have A Cozy Night With Friends….
You could have a bonfire night or stay inside and watch some scary movies. There are streaming services that do 31-days-of-Halloween. You can also gift your friends with homemade bread or seasonal desserts.
Should You Expect To Be Treated To The Boo Box?….
I only just discovered this a few days ago and I doubt everyone knows about it. Any woman whose love language is receiving gifts should probably be hinting about it. There are certain boyfriends who show their love though gifts and some that do not. Although it does not have to be as elaborate as I said. This is probably a great new tradition that committed couples will adopt.
Bottom Line…..
The Boo Box can be a great way to set off the fall season. For singles, I suggest you treat yourself to one. You now have an excuse to upgrade your loungewear. For couples, it depends on how committed you are. In my experience, it is always regretful to go above and beyond for a man who doesn’t even want you as his girlfriend. The wifey treatment should be reserved for a man who is all in. Either way, get cozy, stay in more, and share some chilly nights with friends and family.
These are tips for men who haven’t figured out the sweet spot of planning a great first date. Some go all in and come in too hot, scaring her away, while others give zero effort and make the girl decline and lose interest. In your grandpa or dad’s day, they would take full control, pick her up, and show her a great time. With the casualness of the apps, it’s hard to strike a balance of effort and effortless attitude. How should a guy navigate planning a first date?……
Scout out the best locations…..
It’s great to observe the best bars or coffee shops with a relaxed atmosphere, meaning lighting, how loud is it, is it distracting? Women love a great cozy energy so she can get comfortable. Candlelight is your friend and a private booth is a must.
First date should be drinks, if this is a blind date or an app date….
There needs to be an exit strategy, so planning an elaborate dinner or trip to the movies will backfire. Unless you live in a major city where everything has a reservation, then don’t make a reservation. You also need to be flexible when something out of your control happens at the location and you need to leave (such as a random bachelorette party that shows up or the music is blasting.)
Be confident in asking….
The wording is very important. It is better to speak in a confident way instead of a question. Say, “I would love to take you out, are you free Thursday evening?” There should be no confusion of knowing it’s a date or a friendly hang.
Some don’ts…..
One of my pet peeves is when I end up planning my own date. I understand that he wants to get it right, but it comes off as lazy or insecure. Not to say there shouldn’t be a few options in your back pocket just in case. Also, give her peace of mind that you are treating her and making the experience worth going on. Not to say you should over-promise and not deliver, more so just giving a sense of ease and confidence.
Have a time and place….
You have to communicate where the date will take place and what time. This sounds obvious, but some men seem to conveniently not give details in case they want to back out. Be concise and repeat the time and location, “Great, see you on Friday at 8pm; looking forward to it.”
Confirm by noon the next day….
This is crucial. When a man does not confirm, it leaves the woman thinking he changed his mind. It’s best to come off as looking forward to the date, plus women have to get ready and that takes time. This is another time to communicate in a confident way. Say, “Looking forward to tonight. Is 7pm still good?” Not, “Are we still on?” When you give options to cancel she will wonder if you want to cancel. This will cause insecurity and might make her change her mind and bail.
Bottom Line….
When certain actions are not implemented, then a date can fall apart. You want to come off in the first impression as confident and excited to meet. The confirmation text will make or break the date. You have to confirm! In this day and age, plans get switched up at a drop of a hat. Do men purposely not communicate clearly to avoid a date? Yes. But if you don’t want to give off an impression that you want to bail, then give her clarity and something to look forward to.
Ok I know you are wondering what “kenjataimu” means. I used the Japanese word since the English phrase is somewhat vulgar. So, I will now say it in the scientific definition and hopefully, you can fill in the gaps. So here it is, “kenjataimu” is translated to “the post-coital period when a man’s thoughts are no longer impaired by his sexual drive.” I bring this up because most women run into this after sleeping with a man too soon. Then she will panic-text her friends and ask what happened. There is a reason rules to hold off sex are in place to protect from this yucky feeling. What can you do when you have walked straight into his trap and now you are brushed aside?…..
So you hooked up…..
He swiftly called you an Uber and shoved you out the door the next morning. As you realize your mascara has run all the way down your cheeks, you hold your breath that he will send you a “hope you got home safe text.”
“Maybe he is playing the 3-day rule”…..
You get home and try to act rationally. You figure he is playing coy and will resume texting you after a chill three days. A second date should be in order, putting you on a track for him to really get to know you.
A week goes by…..
You are still hopeful, yet don’t want to admit that you completely got used. You thought he was interested in what you had to say and the spark was undeniable.
Reality check….
So now what? He clearly ghosted…. Do you reach out and try to start over?…. A lot of women gloat that they met their husband by hooking up in a gas station bathroom. In reality…. It doesn’t happen as much as you think. Most of the time giving it up on the first date results in never being taken seriously, or a clean one-night stand where you never hear from him again.
“But I felt empowered”….
It’s great if you are truly on a casual journey and you enjoyed your time. More than likely you felt used. Because you were used. Saying yes to him too soon also makes a man think you do this with every man who asks.
There is more power in waiting….
Guys can see women in very black-and-white ways. The Madonna / Whore complex is very common-thinking among men. A man who wants to be your boyfriend probably would have not wanted to have sex on the first date. There is more power and dignity to wait him out and see what his motives are. (Although, let’s be real, some guys aren’t worth the elaborate “will they, won’t they”). Wait for the guy who is boyfriend material and treats you well.
Bottom Line….
With the casualness of dating apps and meeting at bars, this happens all the time. When you do meet in this way a man will more than likely see you as one-night-stand material. A great way to meet men is in person in a non-sexually-charged location. Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up. It happens to the best of us and everyone can get duped from time to time. Delete his number and keep your head high. In the TV show “30 Rock” the phrase “walk of shame” was flipped on its head to “stride of pride.” Be more intentional for when the right guy comes along.
Over the years, I have learned from my mistakes and would like to pass them onto a novice thrifter. Some shopping faux pas cluttered my closet, had to be re-donated or thrown away. Yes, you are getting a bargain, so your mindset might be to splurge on useless fast fashion. I encourage you to treat shopping with a more sustainable mindset. Thrifting is great for the planet and your wallet. Yet, you can fall prey to a few rookie mistakes. What are some tips to stretch your dollar and be a more thoughtful shopper?….
Fabric choice…
This is hands down the most important thing to keep in mind. Since the clothes are used, they need to be cleaned properly. When fabrics are a polyester or a dreaded “wipe with a cloth,” in the long run, it is not sustainable. The fabric you should always buy is 100 % cotton. It is breathable, easy to clean, and doesn’t make you sweat as much. The second is linen, which is also a great fabric to keep you cool and easy to clean. A blend is ok as long as the fibers are natural. However, I understand that most work-out clothing is typically spandex.
Shoes…
You just need to make sure they are not on their last legs. Try on shoes and walk, see if the sole is still intact. One time, I bought sandals and when I took them home the bottoms popped out and crumbled. Make sure that the shoes are walkable and fit your lifestyle. It is tempting to purchase flashy high heels since they are cheap. The problem is you never end up wearing them and it clutters your closet.
Jackets….
Check out the men’s section first. Usually, you will get a cheaper option and a more classic look, especially in a leather jacket or denim. I personally like an oversized look in certain jacket styles. With leather and denim, do not hop on trends, meaning avoid cropped jackets or anything that is bleached (acid washed) or with too many extra designs or sewn in details. With the leather jacket, nothing beats a classic Moto jacket. If you come across a real leather classically shaped (nothing dated) jacket, then grab it. Any fake leather tends to peel. There are great vegan leather options out there; it is just rare to come across them while thrifting.
Know the brands…..
It is wise to know what brands are well-made. It is hard to tell when it is truly vintage. However, most vintage is more lasting since it is not cheap fast fashion. You might not come across high end luxury, but you could come across a nice brand that makes quality clothes. You don’t have to know all the Indie brands, but even well-known classic stores are better than a Walmart or Target brand.
Purses and bags….
This is the time to snag a going-out bag. It is fine to get something that you only wear here and there for New Year’s or a fancy date. I have gotten lucky and have found vintage Coach and Wilson’s leather, to name a few. Pick materials that will last such as leather or any natural material. Any plastic will peel and look ragged.
Tee-shirts…
This is again the time to shop the men’s section. There will be cool band tees that you can crop to make it more styled. With tee-shirts they usually run $5 so feel free to crop or cut out the collar if desired. You can even find athletic brand shirts that you pay a fraction of it new. Same thing with hoodies and sweatshirts.
Bottom Line…
Thrifting is a great opportunity to shop for less and to be sustainable. However, when you have to re-donate or when the items take over your closet, then you are missing the point. Be on top of closet clean outs and have a sense of clothing you wear all the time. A great find is something you can wear for all the seasons and can be dressed up or down. It is best to keep in mind classic cuts, shapes, and what brands are well made. Fabric choice is the number-one concern that will save you time and energy. Think long-term with materials and fabrics. You want things that will last and be easy to clean. Don’t be afraid to shop the men’s section. There are plenty of hidden gems that will be slightly cheaper. Last tip is to know the store’s policy. Some shops will allow you to return the item as long as you have the tags still on and the receipt. You will get back some store credit and save money on your next shop.
Have I always felt this way?…No. I have said before that I forecasted the trend that dating apps will soon be outdated. I see the rise in dating mixers, speed-dating, and set-ups. In the past few years, I have noticed the shift of the apps completely turning into a man’s candy store. It does not favor women since men treat the apps like an escort catalogue. I decided to delete the apps for a full month. My detox has given me precious time back to focus on me again. Why should you delete the dating apps and what can you do instead?…..
The illusion of “saving time”…..
This was the big sell with the apps. The problem is you are still going on dates where he is seeing you in person for the first time. There are too many expectations and disappointments once you get face-to-face.
The gamification of the apps…..
The creators of the apps made it so you would enjoy swiping and getting into a gambling mindset. You want to keep swiping until you match with a better-looking person. Recently, the word has gotten out that apps are gatekeeping and will only show certain matches behind a pay wall.
How distracting they can be…..
Yes, you can limit yourself and be intentional. However, you are still spending time on it. When I deleted the apps, I became extremely productive and focused. When you replace swiping with a side hustle….it’s a better trade off.
It deters you from going out…..
You might feel more inclined to sit on your couch and swipe when you could have gotten dressed and met up with friends. Or worse, you are out with friends with your head buried in your phone.
You lose in your in-person social skills….
When you don’t use it, you lose it. Being social and charming is a muscle. When you are used to silent messaging, you are not practicing body language, tone, and reading-between-the-lines.
What can you do instead…..
I have said before that mixers and speed-dating need to be utilized. The mistake I made pre-apps was going out to bars hunting for men. You need to be intentional about the location of where you will be seen to better quality men – not f-boys. It is best to get out of your comfort zone and look your best. Join a meet-up group, co-ed soccer team, art class, etc. The set up can be a set back since it is too similar to the apps, although it can be a part of your game plan. Getting your face out there and making a great impression will save you time in the long run. When a guy approaches you in the wild, you will know he saw you and was attracted. A matchmaker can be a little dicey and not worth the money, unless you come from a culture that benefits from matchmaking and it is the norm. However, if it is a low price and seems like a deal, then give it a whirl.
Bottom Line….
Do it now…delete all your dating apps! At least, give it a trial period and after a month see how you feel. (Unless you only want hook-ups, then stick to the apps for that). For anyone who is tired of casual and wants to be treated with more respect, then get out of your comfort zone. Don’t be embarrassed to try speed-dating or a mixer. Make a point to go to a dating event twice a month. Maximize the experience by getting a blowout at a salon, get your makeup done professionally, and wear a great outfit. Most importantly, bring your smile and welcoming body language.
Mostly Casual 