sociallife – Mostly Casual

Everyone wants to know “where do I meet new friends”? But no one is asking “how do I foster these meet-ups into actual friendships”? You might be frustrated that you put yourself out there and go out and no one wants to push it along. The phase “what do you bring to the table,” should be used in friendships, not only in romantic relationships. In a nutshell, there are mistakes I notice in other people and what I have done myself to block any friendship from getting off the ground. What is preventing you from taking an acquaintance to a friendship….

Are you scared to go outside alone?….

Are you depending on other people to hold your hand and make you feel safe in every social situation? Do you beg your roommate to come with you to the bars or a party? You really need to allow yourself to experience being social without a safety net. Get comfortable with eating lunch alone or treating yourself to coffee after a walk as a start.

Do you invite yourself?….

When you invite yourself you are putting the person in an uncomfortable situation. No one will say no you can’t come. However, that doesn’t mean you will be welcome.

Are you taking the hint?….

For me, three separate cancellations are a clear message they don’t want to continue the friendship. There are exceptions of course. However, you have to put limits on how much you put yourself out there with people who have rejected you.

Are people polite versus actually liking you?….

People do not want conflict. They will smile and nod and listen to anyone, especially in a bar. Don’t take someone’s being nice as wanting to become your best friend. Assume people are just wanting to be social. Do not follow them around the bar like a lost puppy.

What do you bring to the table?….

Are you fun, do you listen, are you a joy to be around? The friend who is a sulky sally is never sought out and asked to join. Not to say you can’t complain here and there. I am speaking more of the people who are crying and in a crisis every day. No one wants to be your savior. Put making new friends on the back burner when you need to get your ducks in a row.

Do you help people just to get a reward?….

You always drive people home and put yourself to good use. You might think you are creating friendship security and people can’t live without you. You in fact are creating a dynamic where they no longer see you as on their level. They see you as weak and someone they can take advantage of.

Are you cool and bubbly?….

Do you have interesting things to talk about? What hobbies, projects, funny stories are you telling? Do you dress in an interesting way? What is unique about you that you can talk about? Be the bubbly girl, aka someone who is sweet, smiley, fun. She radiates joy and is always a good time. Go look up videos on Youtube on how to be charismatic. It is an art that can be learned.

Do you think everyone is your therapist?….

People at the bars or the meet up groups are strangers. It is not appropriate to bring up your sex life or personal medical issues. Tread lightly on topics you discuss. No one wants to hear about your boring office job either.

Are your expectations too high?…

In adult friendships people have pressing priorities to their job, partners, family, etc. You need to shift your lens of kindergarten friendship styles to adult-with-responsibilities. At the beginning of the week they were fresh, but by the weekend they are burned out. Don’t threaten your friends to hang out. Be a little more at arms length and plan things for yourself before you throw out an invite.

Bottom Line….

There are always tips for how to meet new people. Plenty of meet up groups, courses, the bars, you name it. However, when you lack social awareness and discernment, it is a waste to put yourself out there. It is work to keep friends and the universe does not owe you friendships. It is something that needs to be nurtured and watered. Look inward and recognize how you are coming across. The biggest thing is accepting that most people are polite. Just because a stranger was nice to you does not mean you are best friends now. The first step to creating friendships is to cultivate a friendship with yourself. Spend time alone and pick up hobbies and interests. When you create a charismatic aura then it will attract people to you versus you hunting people down.

Meeting his friends can happen in an exclusive relationship and even in casual. Either way, it is a test to see if you could possibly fit into his world. Unfortunately, you might not get a formal warning that you will meet a friend or two. Like a health inspector, the situation will happen when you least expect it. It’s best to be mentally prepared and on your toes for when it pops up…..

Running into a friend while out….

This is the first level of meeting a friend: running into one while out in public. Your instincts might be to hang back, let them chat for a minute, and check your phone. If he doesn’t introduce you, then do it yourself. Acknowledge the awkwardness and smile and say your name.

A friend unexpectedly shows up…..

Talk to the friend and acknowledge they are there. Be engaged and ask questions. This person needs to see you as bubbly and friendly. You don’t know if this is the best friend or bar friend, either way, act alive and be awake.

Keep it light….

When you do chat with a friend, keep it surface-level. Introverts have a hard time with small talk. They would rather talk about trauma and their biggest fears to a stranger than discussing the weather patterns. If you have an issue with light chitchat, look up stock questions and have a mini-script.

If you meet a whole group, you will have to work harder….

This is a tough situation…. who do you talk to? Your boyfriend or casual guy will not help you out. He is seeing how well you adapt in a social setting and how you vibe naturally. There might be multiple conversations happening at once. Talk to the person closest to you for several minutes, then float around. Even if the conversation isn’t riveting, he needs to see you engaging.

Don’t cling to your boyfriend…..

It’s tempting to hide behind your man like a child hiding behind their mom’s leg at the grocery store. You might physically cling to him. Don’t do this. You’ll look insecure and it might seem alarming to him that you can’t talk to a stranger.

Don’t ask to leave early….

Nothing is worse than saying, “Hey babe, can we leave?” (Never ride together–have your own transportation in any social setting). Either way, you saying you are sick with a headache won’t win you brownie points. Stick it out and show him you can hang.

Do something impressive….

If you are in a big group, it’s hard to stand out. Our social lives will soon be opening up. More and more people will want to do fun activities. Do something brave: sing karaoke, be the first on the dance floor, nail it at trivia.

Make sure everyone knows your name….

Nothing is worse than meeting a guy multiple times and he saying, “Hi! I’m Mark, it’s nice to meet you!”…. (Yes, Mark, we have met many, many times!) This is why you need to make a point to introduce yourself to as many people as you can. Also…if your name is complicated or hard to pronounce or remember, consider going by a nickname or middle name.

What if his friends aren’t party animals?….

It’s easier to party with the party friends. If his friends would rather play “Dungeons and Dragons,” it’s harder to stand out. (Plus all of them will be introverts). You might be off the hook if he would rather have the game night with his friends. You can suggest just meeting for dinner or drinks. However, if he does ask you to come over for game night, agree and make the most of it. It’s one evening and you will survive.

Why it’s important to win his friends over….

If done right, these people might make a casual situation to a committed one. His friends have so much influence over his decisions. If they aren’t feeling your “vibe,” it could cause him to fade you out.

Bottom Line…..

Meeting his friends should not be treated lightly. It is a setup to see if you can possibly be in his world. If you blow it by ignoring everyone and asking to leave early, then that’s on you. You need to get these people on your side. Be the bubbly girl who likes to have fun. You might be in a situation where you don’t shine. You have to adapt to the situation and make the most of it. As long as you are staying engaged with everyone, you will be golden.