Tag: holidays

Tis’ The Season Of Cancellations

Besides the holidays, winter time is extremely difficult to plan dates. It’s the time of year when you will be cancelled on and stood up. (Who wouldn’t want to be in bed with fuzzy socks and a heater?) Cuffing season is made for times like this. People no longer have the patience to brave the cold to meet a stranger. What about the casual dater who doesn’t want to be cuffed?…..

Don’t accept Netflix and Chill dates?…..

It’s very tempting to head over to his place and then….”cuddle.” On his end, it shows that he is just being lazy and it won’t be a lasting arrangement (he is also a complete stranger). Keep a standard of actually going on dates even if it is cold outside. Men love an easy option; don’t be that. Once you do the home date, I guarantee there will be no special dates to impress you. Even if you want a FWB, there needs to be some courting, meaning public dates.

Dress for the weather…..

Yes, you can go outside if you dress for the weather. I like to keep an extra coat in my car in case the weather shifts. Go with a coat that goes with everything, same thing for hat and scarves. Stay away from the sporty look for dates such as puffy jackets or windbreakers. Elevate your look by wearing long pea coats, a trench, or a chic leather jacket.

Be open to a friends events….

A second- or third-tier friend may invite you to a party. This is the time of year when people are on winter break and have time to hang out. When work or school starts up again there will be fewer opportunities to meet friends in the outer circle.

Plan ahead…..

When I am already out and about it’s hard for me to go all the way home, then out again. I see my warm bed and it’s over. Be prepared to go on a date after you do errands and last minute shopping. Dress for the date ahead of time and wear makeup. However, still have a little pre-date with yourself to get out of the busy energy. Keep in mind that most bars close for the week of Christmas or have limited hours. Check websites or Instagram to figure out what places are open.

Pick a cozy date location…..

It’s more enticing if there are hot toddys and a crackling fire. Energy levels this time of year are low. This can be to your advantage because you will be less tempted to hang out for hours on a first date. It’s best to practice a solid 1-1/2 hour date to encourage a second date. Leave your date with a warm and fuzzy feeling. Don’t be a Scrooge.

Dates will be cancelled…..

Be prepared for some cancellations. Some people choose to delete the apps until the new year. Hometown friends take priority over a stranger on an app. See if he confirms at a reasonable time. As a last resort text him before you start getting ready. Worst case, if he cancels while you are driving to the location, then just go anyway. Don’t waste makeup on a cancellation. You can text a friend or see what the vibe is once you get there.

Spend more time with your FWB….

This is what he is here for. Hang out with him more and don’t stress about the perfect outfit and contour. Show up in comfy clothes and enjoy your time together. Give your fingers a break from swiping, especially if you are not getting asked out.

Bottom Line….

Winter is the slow season for dates. Most guys will be out of town or spending time with hometown friends. New dates take a back seat. Embrace the cozy vibes and spend time with your friends and family. Try to not blow up about the cancellations; it’s not worth the fuss. Get your face out there if you can. Once school and work starts for people you won’t be able to spend quality time together. Try to not look sloppy even while doing errands or shopping. You might be able to squeeze in an early evening date that can bring a mysterious and busy vibe.

“Girlfriend Material” Insecurity Over The Holidays

Getting into a casual dating pattern can go on for years. Mainly, it’s a different frame of mind while taking the pressure off of connecting with one guy. However, insecurity trickles in, “why does he insist on keeping it casual?” This type of insecurity can creep up when you try to explain your dating status to friends. It doesn’t feel good when your friend can’t stop gushing about her husband and you can’t get Tucker to text you back. The holidays can bring out the insecurity more since extended family want to know your relationship status. It’s also engagement season; most friends will show off a shiny rock next to a glowing tree on Instagram. What can we do to feel content single, or what’s the move to shift into being taken seriously?…..

Is becoming the girlfriend a true win?…..

Dating can sometimes feel like a fight to the finish line. The title and label are more important than the actual health of the relationship. It’s rare these days to get a guy to commit. The options of the apps helps people to relax a little about the role of relationships. So, it’s even more of a sense of pride if he wants to become exclusive.

Why not me?….

If you are ALWAYS in casual, it does sting. The fantasy is that you meet a man on a date and he instantly falls in love. Think about what you’re putting out there from your app profile to how you come across in person. Guys pick up on casual vibes from women, especially those who don’t know what they want with dating. Not saying you have to say you want to meet your husband. Just be clear you aren’t looking to hook up; the f*ckboys will retreat.

What if we meet the guy we want as a boyfriend…..

At the beginning, major decisions need to be made. Do you want to go down casual road or commitment highway? You can’t start out casual and expect things to change. Pump the brakes at the very beginning. It is not a fun or enjoyable process, more like wearing a ballgown. You can’t expect it to feel like fuzzy pajamas. This is not just withholding sex, it’s training him to treat you well. When I met my soon-to-be college boyfriend, it took soooo much training for me to not become the late night hook-up girl. He would text me every night to come to his dorm to ” hang out” at midnight. It was a challenge because I was very attracted to him. Sure, you can totally be the “exception.” For the rest of us, you have to plan your strategy.

Men throw dates into buckets….According to YouTuber, Shallon Lester, men have buckets they place you in (casual, girlfriend, friends). It’s rare that he is “unsure of his feelings.” He knows how he feels. Men who tell you this are keeping you around as an option. Listen to what he is telling you!

It’s better to show up empty-handed then with the wrong guy…..

I have been to countless events single: my sister’s wedding, my art shows, every holiday for the past decade. Honestly, it feels better to represent myself instead of bringing a guy who wants to leave the second he gets there.

Comparing can help you figure out your desires…..

Comparison is the “thief of joy,” as most people say. However, gut reactions can steer you to what you truly want. Watching your best friend getting engaged can trigger you to have an inner panic. Jealously can be very telling to your true inner feelings. You might have been hiding and convincing others you are just the fun girl, but deep down you want a committed partner. However, separate the spectacle of receiving attention and praise. Go deeper and figure out where the jealously is coming from.

Bottom Line…..

Everyone wants to feel special. Being the only single girl in the group can be difficult. The priority is how men are treating you no matter the situation. It’s not worth having the boyfriend if it’s abusive and always on the rocks. If you are ALWAYS in casual land, you need to tighten your boundaries. Be ok with saying no and believe that you are worth the wait to get to know. Remember the holidays will pass and the new year is a great time to wipe the slate clean.

Valentine’s Day For Couples

“Roses are red, violets are blue; if he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side-chick is you”

In “The Rules” book, it is discussed how an exclusive boyfriend treats you on this holiday. Valentine’s Day is a huge test of how he sees you. What type of gift, if any, does he give you? Receiving a non-romantic gift : car wax, a gift certificate to Walmart, free soap from a La Quinta Inn…..

Are gifts really a requirement?…..

Impressing you should be the goal, even when its early on. Obviously, he doesn’t need to spend money on a new designer bag, although something thoughtful should be required. A romantic gift that doesn’t break the bank is a romantic poem, writing a song about you, or a handwritten letter. However, understand that guys don’t want to go big early on because a woman will resent the lackluster effort later. All women care about is effort and quality time. The classic gifts are roses, jewelry, chocolates, a bottle of Champagne, or a nice bottle of perfume.

Is he spending time with you?…..

Some men will fix problems with money. He might mail you an expensive gift and say he is busy on the day. He needs to take you out to dinner or make a meal at home. It needs to be thought out. Quality time needs to be spent; he can’t ignore you or be scrolling on his phone the whole night. I worked at a hotel a few years back and was shocked at the effort that was made. Rose petals on the bed, champagne, candles. Yes, men are capable of this.

What if the holiday isn’t a part of his religion or culture?….

You might be dating a man from another country or religion who has never celebrated Valentine’s Day. Still, it means something to YOU. He needs to adapt and make you feel special; he should not make you feel left out. My ex-, as a Jehovah’s Witness, loved using this excuse. My birthday, Christmas to meet my family, Valentine’s Day….”sorry, Babe, it’s against my religion,” when he wasn’t involved in the church anymore.

What if he tells you to do a “Galentines or Palentine’s Day”?….

There is nothing wrong with spending time with your girlfriends or friends on the holiday. If he suggests it….yea, not great. He should be planning something, no matter how small, and frankly be excited. Shuffling you off to other people screams he doesn’t want the responsibility of being a boyfriend.

What if he is actually busy on Valentine’s Day?….

He can still send you flowers at your work, or your home, then celebrate when he is available. He needs to figure out the schedule and still make it special

What if you literally started dating?….

If you are exclusive, even if you became that a week ago, there still needs to be a plan. Exclusive / official means he is your boyfriend, and boyfriends make Valentine’s Day special….period.

What if you are sexually exclusive, but not official?….

Stop being sexually exclusive without him being your boyfriend! There is literally no point to that. Otherwise, he will not act like a boyfriend and bring you roses or make an effort to make you feel special. Do not expect anything except a late-night booty call.

Bottom Line…..

So yes, you can’t expect to be swept off your feet by the guy you are casually seeing on Valentine’s Day. In fact you probably won’t receive a text. However, your exclusive boyfriend needs to step it up! Why be with him if he isn’t acting like a boyfriend? Holidays bring out the true feelings of men. It’s not that he is forgetful–it’s very intentional that he does nothing for you on Valentine’s. You should not remind him of the day or be the planner. Quality time needs to happen because that is more important than fancy gifts. Dump him if you receive no gift or effort.

Meeting His Family

I have had good and bad experiences with meeting boyfriends’ parents. This is the hardest part of being in an exclusive relationship. A first impression will make or break the relationship for the long term. If parents don’t like you, expect a breakup a few months later. Your boyfriend might not give you any hints as to what his parents prefer. He will say, “don’t worry, they will love you.”….not helpful. Here are the dos and don’ts of meeting the fam…..

Don’t overstay your welcome…..

My boyfriend moved back into his mom’s house after college. We lived 2-1/2 hours apart and I stayed at his mom’s house WAY too long. She built up a resentment and I don’t blame her! If you are visiting his family overnight or longer, get a hotel or AirBNB. Obviously, if it’s for the holidays and she insists you stay in the guest room, then do that.

You actually have to talk to them…..

When I am in new social situations it’s really hard for me to open up. It may be exhausting that you have to act like a game show host. Yet, it’s way better than his mom saying, “Oh, I didn’t really get to know her.” Ask questions and stay engaged.

Attitude is everything…..

Positivity is the way to go in every social setting. No resting-bitch face; smile until your face hurts. Make sure to talk up your strengths with a modest edge. Hopefully, your boyfriend will set you up to succeed. DO NOT bring up sad or negative topics. Get off your soap box for one evening. Now is not the time to say, “meat is murder,” to his mom.

Manners matter…..

You have to remember that you are a civilized human. Put your napkin in your lap, say please and thank you.

Bring a gift…..

If you are invited for dinner at their home, bring a gift (drinkers =wine, non-drinkers = homemade cookies ). For the holidays, get every detail about what gifts to buy, what extra food to bring, and what the experience as a whole will be. Every family has different traditions and what they view as important. Do not let your boyfriend set you up to fail. Really press him on what you should do or bring. This includes everything from what time to wake up in the morning to warning you about his sister’s seafood allergy.

Dress like it’s a job interview….

Low cut shirts, open-toed shoes, etc, should stay in the closet.

His family should pay for dinner, but be prepared if they don’t….

You might meet his parents at a restaurant. Don’t assume they will pick up the check. It’s best to order something that is in the middle-price range. Not the side salad, but not the $30 steak.

Pre-game….

Ok, so if you need liquid courage, do it. It’s hard to make small talk and it’s a lot of pressure to try to impress someone. This applies to meeting for the first time in a restaurant or their home for dinner. Keep it to two drinks max. If alcohol does not relax you, then do a ten-minute meditation, or take a long walk.

Go easy on the booze….

In that same token, don’t go overboard with alcohol. Some families are more chill about drinking. You might get offered wine or beer. Don’t use this opportunity as an open bar. Take a slower pace than everyone else. If you are at a restaurant and no one orders alcohol, follow the flow of the room and abstain.

Don’t smell like an ashtray…

Be shower fresh. Don’t smell like a campfire or that you hung out in Willie Nelson’s tour bus. Pop a mint in your mouth.

Don’t get political….

DO NOT talk politics. Avoid the topic or change the subject. If they ask you point blank what you think say, “Oh, I am sure you know more than I do.” And leave it at that.

In the future….

If you happen to run into one of his family members at a grocery store, gas station, or event, always say hello. I had poor social skills and as an introvert the last thing I wanted to do was to say hi to someone in public. It is crucial that you say hello! If his mom or relative wants a reason to hate you, don’t let them! Be friendly and bubbly.

Bottom line….

First impressions matter! You only get one shot at this. His family will decide if they like you based on how well the first meeting went. If you drop the ball, there is no coming back from it. The important thing is to be talkative and be genuinely interested. Go with the vibe of the room. If the family is more relaxed, you can ease up a bit, yet you still need to be on the conservative side. Act like it’s a work function. Dress modestly and don’t guzzle down booze. It may not be a fun experience and you may have to grin and bear it, but hopefully, his family will be fun and relaxed people. Once the first meeting goes well, it’s smooth sailing from there.

Single On The Holidays

Whenever the holidays are around the corner, I am always reminded that I am single. For many women, this is the time when the pressure is on and the questions keep coming. Reflect back on how you thought of the holidays in the past and think about how to shift your perspective….

What do you do if you are always the single fun-Aunt?…

1. You have to keep in mind your family is just starting a conversation – Great aunt Bertha might be looking for an icebreaker and the only thing she can think to ask is if you have a boyfriend.

2. You might be sent to the kids’ table – If you have a huge gathering, they might be limited on seating so they figure it’s easier to stick you with the kids.

3. Your sleeping arrangements will be an afterthought – You are probably offered the couch or a sleeping bag on the floor. If this always happens, plan ahead and get an Air BNB close by instead.

4. You might think everyone is judging you – This fear could just be in your head. Nine out of ten times, everyone is worried about their own problems and couldn’t be bothered with yours.

Should you lie about your love life?…

Try not to lie – You might be caught up in the lie and look like Jan from “The Brady Bunch.” You will be rambling, “My boyfriend lives in France and he’s a rocket scientist.” Sure, Jan.

It’s weird to tell a distant relative you are dating casually – They might not understand the concept and it’s a long, awkward explanation. Give black-and-white answers. They will only understand “single” or “in-a-relationship.” They don’t want to talk about Tinder.

You might get a backhanded compliment- Depending on how snarky your relatives are, there might be a little sting in their words. If this happens, keep in mind that it is their insecurities, not yours.

Keep the conversation moving- You have control over ending the conversation. You can always say you need to check on the oven. Or deflect and get them talking about themselves. Ask open-ended questions that lead to stories, not just one-word answers.

Don’t make yourself feel bad about being single….

Honestly, the coupled-up people with three kids might envy your freedom – You never know how a person’s relationship is really like. Remember to speak about your life in a positive way. If they see you are happy with your life, they will be less likely to pity you and give you unsolicited advice.

It’s better to show up alone than with a terrible boyfriend – It really sucks to have a guy there representing you who is just not great with your family. He could act bored, or could bring up the wrong politics and cause a fight at the dinner table. Relatives do not forget; they are like elephants. “What happened to that guy you brought to Thanksgiving five years ago?”

Keep yourself busy….

You can’t be cornered if you are chopping vegetables and checking on the pies. Stay standing and moving while also looking helpful.

Don’t be the hot mess….

It’s tempting to just down a bottle of wine by yourself. Pace yourself.

Write down a list….

Write down the positive things you have done this year. Talk about your new job, passion project, or vacation you took.

If you are going to an extended family’s home, bring something….

Bring a nice bottle of wine, or whip up an appetizer (even if you bought it). It makes you appear as more of an adult.

Last resort, skip it….

Maybe you went though a huge breakup and are very triggered when his name is mentioned. Don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first and not jumping on a plane. Send your apologies and put up boundaries.

Bottom Line….

No one really cares if you show up solo. Everyone is thinking about themselves and could really care less. Just act like you are enjoying yourself. If you are sulking, then your relatives will be more concerned and question you. Honestly, they might not even ask you about your life at all. You might be anticipating a press conference about your love life, but you might not get it. Remember that you are free and don’t have to represent anyone. If you feel you cannot handle facing your relatives after a terrible year or horrific breakup, then skip it. Put yourself first and remember that you are an adult and can’t be forced to come.