The Liking Complex Part 2: The Law of Detachment

So you have a new crush whom you know nothing about. He has enough mystery and allure that you put him straight on a pedestal. This can happen the most when you think this guy is perceived as out of your league. Your limerence will take over your thoughts and if you aren’t careful, your actions. How can you prevent yourself from repelling him energetically?

The power of detachment….

With any goal, career, or love you can’t have a choke hold on it. The more you want something and cannot see an option without it, the more it will slip through your fingers. Listen, there is no harm in having a secret crush. It motivates you to go out, wear the best outfit, and master the perfect makeup look. The only problem is when it turns into an obsession and you are plotting and scheming.

You have to trust….

When you are feeling obsessive you need to live in a reality when it doesn’t work out. Get back on the apps and on some dates to balance out the intensity.

Your mantra….

“it’s either this or something better.” That can diffuse the situation and not make him out to be the only man on earth. Maybe he isn’t a good fit and the universe is protecting you from him.

Play it cool…

When you tell your friends you have a little crush their first instinct is for you to take action. They will encourage you to add him on social media or go up to him and ask for his number. All of this if you are in the feminine energy is the worst move you can do. You are leaving it all up to him and now he knows you like him. It will put all the power in his hands and you are showing all your cards.

What can you do to loosen the grip?….

If it’s out of control, then switch up your routine and make other plans. If you are in a class with him, then sit further away. Especially when he has not spoken to you. In the case where he knows who you are and has spoken to you, then be polite and friendly and match his energy.

Do not orbit him on social media….

Did I say that already? You might think it’s all a part of the long game. It is a terrible habit to get into since you will now know where he is and who he is with. You will assume his sister is his new girlfriend and spend the weekend spiraling. Save yourself the headache.

Manifesting is nothing without detachment….

You might think manifesting is going after what you want. Think of it more as planting a seed, watering it, then trusting the universe will let it grow. Your part in manifesting isn’t every step. You have to trust that if he noticed you and is interested, he will take the steps to court you.

Bottom Line….

When you love someone set them free. You can’t be possessive or have a tight grip on someone without repelling it from you. Leave the room for him to come towards you. Not to say you should ignore him or be mean. Match his energy if he has decided to chat with you. It can be easy to take things too far when social media is involved. Too tempting to know his whereabouts and to plan your schedule around him. You new mantra is “it’s either this or something better.” You need to trust that if it’s meant for you, it would work out. The only action you need to put forward is being present and responding. Allow the courting process to happen if it’s meant to be.

The Gatekeeper: The Guy To Avoid….

Certain dates or chatting-through-the-apps might be met with men who are snarky and burned out. There are a few types of men to swipe left on, but one of the worst is what I call “The Gatekeeper.” This is the type of man that will hound a woman about her band shirt and demand she know every song and the order of the albums. How can you spot this type of guy and how can you avoid him?….

Negging….

Any sort of negging, aka making you feel stupid for an interest, or questioning your taste, is a clear sign. He might judge your appearance or question your taste in music or movies.

The niche thing only he can like….

You might be a fan of indie obscure music or movies. He will not believe it. You have to defend that you actually like a certain piece of media. This can also happen with forcing you to watch a certain movie or TV show to see if you “get it” or not. He loves to plant little traps and tests whenever possible.

He thinks of himself as unique and special….

He might think he is unique and a special snowflake. We all are being fed the same algorithm and are subject to what is happening in pop news and culture.

Liking a mainstream thing disgusts him….

You might like a pumpkin spice while watching “Sex and the City.” This to him makes you seem basic and he can’t stand when something is universally loved. When you bring up a band or movie that is popular he cannot fathom that you would know about any indie music or an independent film.

An older man’s game….

I find the type of man who most embodies this behavior is a man in his 40s. He is bitter and jaded and enjoys testing and grilling his dates for sport.

He doesn’t believe women can be cool….

He has very black-and-white views on gender. He is old-fashioned about “boy interests and girl interests.” He views women as more of an accessory rather than an equal partner.

How to avoid this guy….

You can probably spot him in a dating app profile being negative in the prompts or bio. He is snarky and loves “sarcasm.” In the real world, he can be spotted at the local dive bar or is himself a bartender while he moonlights being a DJ, musician, comedian, or indie film maker.

Bottom Line…

In his younger years maybe he was the bad boy and the women swooned. Now he is in his 40s and is jaded and annoyed about how much women have changed. Women are expecting more from men and most are opting out of relationships unless it’s a great fit. This angers these types of men and they take out their rage though passive aggressive messages and negging. I consider this type of man as the male “pick me.” He is focused on how “different” and “unique” he is. In reality, he is a dime a dozen and doesn’t realize that we are all the same. He loves to test and make you feel you are not smart or cool. Mostly, he has limited thoughts about gender and that women can be funny or talented.

How To Hack Football Season For Your Love Life

The best fashion season is upon on us and yea… I guess there will be football. For anyone who is a diehard-core-football fan, navigating the sports bars will be a breeze. However, not everyone has a fantasy league and can name every new college player. Make this a challenge to pause the apps and practice in-person interactions with potential mates. How can you have the home field advantage this football season?….

First of all, you know where the men are….

That’s step one. They are all at a sports bar or at the actual game. Most of in-person dating, if not all, is being at the right place at the right time.

Limit your group to 3 total….

Pick your wing ladies carefully ( I have an article on this). Your friend is probably not going to truly wingman it for you. If anything, she could block it. It is mainly that you are going to get noticed by men when you are in a small group.

Dress appropriately….

Not saying you need to be decked out in sports gear, but do dress a little on the sportier side. Still keep it cute and feminine and not like you are about to take the field. Think more cheerleader than player. Currently the tennis aesthetic is hot and you can draw inspiration from that.

Come before the game starts….

Before the men get sucked into the game and you become invisible, it’s not a bad strategy to pre-game and see who is around.

Resist being “one of the guys”….

Yes, you might be obsessed with sports and that’s great. Make sure you are not veering too hard into one-upsmanship. You don’t want to be his competition and make him feel like a loser. Also, cheering and screaming whenever there is a touchdown is very try hard, too.

Don’t be a hater either….

Negging him is not the way to go. He will think, “if she hates this so much why is she here?” You will not impress him by how stuck-up you are.

You don’t have to impress him….

Don’t fake that you love beer and are obsessed with watching football. Be authentic, however, still having fun. You might want to play pool or darts to keep yourself busy especially when you have no idea who is winning or losing.

Don’t be stuck in the same spot….

Unless your city only has one bar feel free to barhop a little. You want to be where the action is and have as many eyeballs on you as possible.

Bottom Line….

Plant yourself in the right energy this season. This is a lesson for all in-person first impressions. It is always best to be in a good mood and look cute. A guy who is attracted will approach you and you can at least meet new men. You don’t need to study up on sports or try to neg him about what player got drafted. (Unless sports gossip is a true interest, that is). Try to remain as authentic as you can be. This is also a time to connect with your single friends and build those memories.

How To Get Dates From Instagram

It’s not a hot take that Instagram can be used as a dating app. However, there are ways to boost it to cultivate potential relationships. The thing about Instagram is it still feels like a fairly organic way to meet someone. At this time it does not have vulgar undertones. I will break it down for how the feminine-energy person can attract someone and how the masculine-energy person can pursue…..

Feminine Energy….
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Make sure your profile pic (avatar) looks great…..

This is how you are going to draw men in. Visually you need to look pretty and alluring. This is not the time to put a pic of your cat or a cartoon. You can still be private and attract a person with just one photograph.

The grid….

Try to not make your grid look like an OnlyFans. (Unless you are trying to start an OnlyFans or only want to receive requests to hook up). For me, my grid is my little art project, but it’s safer to have flattering pictures and some that show travel or personality.

Follow….

Is this the dropping the hanky technique? Maybe. Here is the safer option instead of a cold follow: I prefer following a guy in a band or art page who is local. It makes it seem more innocent, like I am just trying to connect to my community.

Watch a story….

This is taking it to the next step. You can watch a few stories. Do not heart or react or comment. You can just observe a few stories.

Wait for a DM or communication….

Now you wait to see if he has taken an interest. The first step is him sending a follow request. See if he watches your stories or likes any posts.

Masculine Energy….
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Go to the “people you may know” section….

These are women who could be mutual friends or are local. Pick someone who you think is attractive to you.

Send a follow request….

She might cut you off there. When she is taken or weirded out, then you are done.

Don’t send a rogue DM….

This to me is very thirsty. It comes off as “hey, baby girl, looking good.” It will give her the ick.

If she accepts the request….

Watch her stories and heart them. Keep doing this periodically.

Pick a story that resonates with you….

When there is a particular story that you found funny or can comment on, then this is when you do a reaction message.

Try to stay away from the fire emoji reaction….

Probably five other guys already did it. You want to be seen as classy and not an F-boy.

See how she responded to the reaction message…

You can gauge her excitement and welcoming nature. For example, her sharing a clip from a comedian you like. You could ask her about it or at the very least send a laughing face emoji reaction.

DM her…

DM her when all of the above has happened. Ask her out sooner than later.

Bottom Line….

When done right, Instagram can be a good tool to create a digital organic way to get a date. More people are on Instagram these days versus the dating apps. The popularity of the dating apps has swiftly decreased. This is a “new” way to put out feelers without a hard rejection in the wild. Make sure, both as a man and woman, to make your profile appealing to who you are trying to attract. Your instagram grid is your brand; make sure it appeals to your audience.

The Summer Boyfriend: The Perfect Cocktail of Casual and Comfort

We all know about the “summer fling” or “feral girl summer,” both of which are unapologetic and rebellious. What is the “summer boyfriend”? It is more than a casual FWB or meeting men in the wild. This means exclusively hanging out with one guy within a certain time window. What are the benefits of the summer boyfriend?….

The “study abroad” mindset….

With summer versus the rest of the year, we may be traveling and have a looser schedule with school, for instance. It does not mean romance goes out the window. I love to think of myself studying in the south of Italy with a great man, knowing when I return home we will no longer see each other. You give it your all and carpe diem until August.

How is it different from a FWB?….

This is not a “come over to my house” at 11am guy. It is a man who actually wants to get to know you, but there might be a time limit attached.

Who do you pick for the summer boyfriend?….

In most cases this falls into your lap. For example, I had a great summer with this guy who was moving to New York City at the end of July. We made the most of it and had fun summer days at the pool and even did a huge cookout for Fourth of July. The important thing is you are NOT in a hook-up box. You prioritize actual dates versus late night shenanigans.

How a bite-size boyfriend experience can benefit you….

For anyone who suffers from future-tripping and not taking chances, this might help. It is ok to enjoy some romance even if it does not lead to the altar. It can create a shift in perspective that things can end and you should enjoy yourself instead of game playing and manipulating the outcome.

Why keep it exclusive….

It certainly does not have to. I find it happens naturally that he becomes the only guy whom you end up hanging out with. He might be a breath of fresh air from the other guys or he knows how to bring out your adventurous side.

Bottom Line….

This outcome does not mean it necessarily has to end when fall comes. It is getting into a mindset of living in the present. We worry so much about outcomes in dating. This is a good lesson of practicing authenticity while getting to know a person. Most importantly, it is erasing the over-analyzing and taking a microscope to every word he says. We live in a dating landscape of avoiding red flags and getting the ick. When you allow things to naturally unfold and get your ego out of the way you can actually enjoy yourself.

Florals And Femininity

Spring is in full bloom and a great time to grow flowers. Even the representation of a flower can bring you into a more girly mindset. How can you use the symbol of flowers to invoke your feminine nature?….

Plants versus cut flowers….

I personally would rather have a living plant versus cut flowers. Yes, a bouquet of roses can be great. But then… they wilt and die. I love buying orchids or even a cactus flower that will bloom. Orchids especially represent fertility and royalty.

Grow your own rose bush….

Pick your favorite flowers to grow on your porch or garden. You can plant other types of flowers in pots to start especially when you have limited space.

Florals in clothing….

Is it on trend every spring? Yes. I would go with a timeless floral pattern. I will say it is easier to grow tired of the pattern and you won’t want to wear it all the time. A great floral pattern is something that goes beyond a typical rose. A bird of paradise print can look very tropical and timeless.

Flower sheets and drapes….

When you live in a feminine and warm environment, it can rub off on you. Rose pattern duvets or sheets are a great start. It is good for feng shui purposes to think of romantic colors like pinks and blushes. You can add little touches such as a floral throw pillow to get started. Your art work could be of flowers as well.

The floral tea cup….

A dainty tea cup can bring out the princess in you. You can thrift a cup and saucer very easily.

Have a rose bath…..

Add some petals to your bubble bath for extra luxury.

Wear a floral perfume or rose shampoo….

This is the season for light and sweet scent

Some flowers are edible….

Look up edible flowers and add them to your plate or a beverage. Most violets are edible and can even be used as a simple syrup for cocktail or mocktails.

Bottom Line….

Use spring to bring out your princess energy. I love buying a flowering plant for inside and outside. It is a much better feeling to see a plant bloom. Take an assessment of how your bedroom looks. It is a great time to do a refresh. I believe in feng shui and invoking a type of subconscious vibe to project to the world. You can feel like a queen with floral beverages, lavish baths, and a sweet fragrance.

How To Get Ahead Of A Bad Mood

Everything runs smoother when there is a plan in place, from having a list for the grocery store to a work presentation. My best advice for women who are naturally cycling is to have a tracker to be forewarned and forearmed for when a sour mood may strike. In any situation, hormonal or not, there should be a protocol. Here are some tips that can help you get by…..

For women in the luteal phase….

This is hormonal, and every month in your luteal phase you have PMS. First determine the worst day of your cycle and do anything you can to lie low. Maybe you have the flexibility to work from home. A day or two before, buy yourself chocolate, chips, your favorite frozen food from Trader Joe’s …you get it. Plan to stick around the house and watch rom-coms. A lot of your annoyances will be quieted just by staying home.

The mood out of nowhere springs upon you….

Let’s say, if someone off the street yells,”your shirt sucks”, then try to remain calm. For 98% of the time, anything that anyone says has nothing to do with you. You cannot take what people say on a random whim as gospel.

No one is against you….

Inflation and gosh-darn fast food prices! I mean how can we not be in a bad mood daily? Most people rarely to never think about you when you are out of their line of vision. It’s probably not true that your friend Becky is jealous and does not want you to find true love. The world as a whole does not even remember your name most of the time. And that’s an amazing thing.

If your life is a trash pile in general…

The people who tend to be the moodiest are not in alignment with themselves. They could be holding onto resentment from working for a horrible ungrateful boss. Maybe your boyfriend never takes them on date night anymore. You have to put your needs first before anyone else. No one really needs your help in most cases and you are using it as a distraction or a bribe later on.

Expect less from others….

Your friends are great and love you. Stop expecting them to do hard emotional labor for you daily. Be the type of friend they can’t wait to invite or introduce to people.

When you are in a rut…

How are you waking up in the morning? Is it to jump up to a blaring alarm in order to work for no money for a boss who could care less if you exist? Quit your job and pursue your dream and passions. You will not be rewarded for your hard work, only your results. Be brave and meet with a career coach, talk to a mentor, take classes, network, watch YouTube videos. Find your life purpose and your joy.

Stop consuming sad or disturbing content….

This can include music, movies, the news, podcasts, etc. Listening to a brutal crime podcast isn’t going to make you feel rejuvenated. Be very strict with who you follow on socials and what you watch on TV. I am very influenced by music, so, truthfully, I choose to not listen to it as much. Pick the right comedic messenger to give you the news.

Drink alcohol sparingly ….

Cut way back on drinking. It will disrupt your sleep and next day you will have anxiety or low energy. Do yourself a favor and have a drink only on rare occasions. It’s not worth ruining your next day.

When in doubt….

Go for a long walk while listening to an uplifting podcast, get hydrated, take a nap, watch a funny show that you love, eat whatever your body wants. You can vent to someone if something happens and if it’s a funny story. Most bad moods are unprompted and pass like a ship in the night. I wouldn’t flame the fire and get gassed up for nothing.

Remember… celebrities get over scandals by lying low….

It is fine to go out less and reflect more. You are paying for streaming, so you might as well watch. Decline invitations and take time to rest. Your friends should be understanding if you need to focus on work or self-care. Good friends will be available when you are ready to resurface.

Go to therapy….

When bad moods persist, a therapist can help you come up with solutions. You might feel lost and spinning your wheels. That would be a good time to seek help and discover what you can do to get out of a rut.

Bottom Line….

Everyone on the planet has had a bad day. It could be caused by random, outside sources or because you are in a life rut. Be honest with yourself on how often you feel bad and what is causing it. Most things in life can be changed. You can quit your job, move, or start over. For hormonal issues, get ahead of the phase and be prepared. Allow yourself time to be home and rest. Everyone can use a therapist to learn healthy coping skills instead of bad coping mechanisms as a crutch. Put yourself and self-care before anything else.

When You Shouldn’t Send The “Anti-Ghost” Text

We all want to be humane in dating. No one wants to be ghosted or rejected. I would say if rejection needs to be voiced, then do so. However, the “anti-ghost” text does not always have to be implemented. I went on an app date one time and it was very clear we were not connecting and it wasn’t going well. He felt he had to send a “postmortem” text recapping the date. I would have been totally fine with just a simple fade-out. When is it rude to send out the anti-ghost text?…

What is the anti – ghost text?….

It is a communication letting your date know you are not a fit and you will be moving on.

When is it appropriate….

When your feelings towards each other are not meshing you do not want to mislead someone. It is unfair to the person who really likes you to be duped or blindsided.

See how he or she acts after the first date…

You will know how it went when there is no communication. On the date you need to be able to feel out the overall chemistry. You will know when a date is not going well when there are dead silences and awkwardness. See how long the date lasted and if a drink was offered or not. You can tell by body language and lack of interest in asking questions. With app dates you are meeting a person for the first time. They might have felt there was a connection through text, but in person it did not translate.

There is no need to recap the date when it didn’t go well….

No matter how you felt there is no need to add insult to injury. People know when a date is not clicking and more often than not it is mutual. Some people feel the need to express what the person failed to do on the date. It is only going to push that person away and insult them.

Beware of too much communication before a date….

The more you talk on the phone and text before the first date, the worse the meeting in person will be. It makes sense to be cautious especially when a date is long distance. Most men will not want to jump on a zoom. Anyone can be great through text or a phone call. It is a false sense of closeness that can backfire.

When a man is truly interested you will not be left in the dark….

Most second dates are made on the first date. Phone numbers will be exchanged and he will express that he had a great time. Most men are not coy and trying to play it cool. Momentum is real and he will want to lock you down before someone else scoops you up.

Keep going on dates with others….

When you are getting out there and meeting a lot of new dates it is good practice to keep it moving. It is a mistake to wait around holding onto someone who is not interested. You should not send a text to “end it” just to make yourself feel better. Some people encourage transparency, but it feels unnecessary to text a person just for the satisfaction of rejecting someone. Delete the number and move on.

Bottom Line…..

Admit to yourself that you know when a date goes well or not. You are smarter than you give yourself credit for. Men are not playing aloof or coy on dates. It will be clear when he is interested and wants to see you again. Men should not send out the postmortem text as well. It is rude to reject and insult your date when it simply just wasn’t a good fit.

How Roommates Affect A Couple

In college, I made a huge mistake by agreeing to live with my boyfriend and his friend. In general, I discourage living with boyfriends until it is serious. I honestly feel my relationship could have been saved if I had chosen to live solo or with a roommate to wrap up senior year. Why is taking on an extra roommate a romance killer for a couple?….

Why living with your boyfriend is bad….

I do have a full article on this. In summary, your relationship will shift into roommate vibes. You will no longer go on dates and he will have less incentive to impress you. Yes, you should live with your boyfriend eventually, but only when it is serious, like when you are engaged.

Why living with another roommate is bad….

When the extra roommate is male and they are friends, it’s game-over for your relationship. He will be playing video games in the living room and forget you exist.

Why he suggests you add an extra roommate…

Is it for money?…could be. More than likely, he does not trust your relationship will last. He is protecting himself and knows you will have to move out and he can stay.

Protect yourself before you move in…..

You are way better off being mysterious for as long as possible. You are playing your last card when you move in. On your end, you think it will bond you and bring you closer. Men fall in love through the absence of you. When you are always there he will feel trapped and lose desire.

You could be stuck in this situation for years….

He is comfy cozy and likes living with his friend. You are a bonus in the equation. He will have zero motivation to move out with just you. He is getting all his needs met, plus more.

Bottom Line….

The best thing you can do is to pace out your relationship. A man can get comfortable with the bare minimum while you expect him to keep up date nights and court you. These types of living situations can go on for years where the woman is unhappy and unfulfilled and he is thriving. Think of it in the logical sense and make it so he has to seek you out for as long as you can. Give him incentive to move the relationship along.

Creating “The Spark” On A First Date

Let’s all admit that we are seeking a spark when we go on a first date. A lot of dating coaches encourage you to accept the 2nd date no matter what. I do agree with that. However, men will more than likely refuse a second date if he doesn’t feel “the spark” and gets more of a friend vibe. Sometimes you can control a first date from how you show up. Is there a way to create chemistry on a first date?….

Be in a good mood….

That’s really what it comes down to in a nutshell. You can’t show up being a little sourpuss. Really dedicate your pre-date to getting out of your head and into your body. I like to do a “drama dump” in my car and get out all the muck that is bothering me. Then get in the zone by listening with my air pods to my favorite hype song.

Tell stories, not facts….

Captivate your audience by telling stories, not answering facts in a dry way. Ask leading questions that are not a yes or no answer. Get him talking about things you can both connect on. Everyone has fun stories that they can tell (no bathroom mishap stories), even if you are speaking about your friends or family.

Be present….

Put away the phone and make eye contact. Nod and smile when he is talking. Repeat words to let the person know you have been listening. Use one word he used to craft your sentence. He “This food is so spicy! My mouth is burning!” You: Yes! Speaking of spicy have you ever tried ghost peppers?”

Ask him questions….

Men want to know you are interested. This isn’t a one-sided interview. Try to ask fun questions instead of the boring stock questions without getting too deep. You can ask where his favorite vacation spot is as an example. Make sure these are softball questions, not asking him what he thinks the meaning of life is. Also… a biggie is to stop giving him hypothetical questions that will make him roll his eyes… “if I were a worm, would you find me attractive?”…. Stop. Also, you don’t have to try to be funny. It’s fine if you are naturally witty, but every sentence should not be a random reference from a TV show or you doing bits.

Look hot….

We can all step it up. Make it a habit to keep up with hair appointments and updating your wardrobe. You don’t have to look like you are going to the club to look sexy. In fact, try to dress a little bit more conservative while still complementing the shape of your body. Find out the best colors to wear for your skin tone as well.

Don’t give him the impression you are “the fun girl”….

Try to not get wasted on the date or be “too fun.” It will backfire to be the girl that he can only see as hitting the bars with. Communicate how passionate you are with your job or helping the community. You have to paint a picture that you aren’t going to be throwing up in an Uber every time you hang out.

Be funny, flirty, and free….

Flirting to me simply means being witty and complimentary. It’s not licking your lips and winking. Be funny and make the conversation light. Act free by not being demanding and putting pressure on him. This is not an interrogation.

Bottom Line…

Beware of him saying “I didn’t feel the spark,” if you did all these things. That is guy code for him not being attracted to you. So, let it go. Attraction is a man’s only criteria for moving along the relationship. Do not take it personally, everyone has a type. However…. this is not to say to put up a wall and to sulk in the corner. You have to be an active participant in the date. And you do have to create chemistry to a certain degree.