Tag: friendships

Why You Should Try To Be A “Fast Friend”

We have to admit that friendship norms versus relationship and dating are different. For one thing, friendships usually never result in a break-up or even a “break.” But I wanted to talk more about casual friendships. You meet someone out at a bar; you chat about boys over cocktails, exchanging numbers or social media. You swear you will both get brunch soon and then, poof, they leave you on read. With casual dating, you are justified in feeling duped when he dodges messages after you were intimate. With friends, you don’t quite get the justice you feel inside. Did they do anything wrong at the end of the day? I want to make the argument for the “fast friend” and why you should let loose and try it yourself. How can you treat your own friendships as more casual?….

How you treat your existing friends….

As you get into your 30s and beyond, your high school friends and college roommates have moved away. You finally made a connection with a co-worker and feel you need to hold onto them for dear life. You are ashamed that you only have a handful of friends now. My view is to stop putting so much emphasis on the number and frankly how long the connection lasts. This is thinking-in-scarcity. (You are likable and can make new friends.) Most people you do befriend will change or not last forever. As an example, when you meet another single girl at work then a month later she gets a boyfriend, you will no longer share the bond of being single.

Should you break up with your friend?….

There is conflicting advice about having a clean break from a friend or not. There are cases where a friend might have crossed a line in a dramatic way. It can be more of a case-to-case basis with something in an extreme. Most friendships are more fluid and ebb and flow. With social media, you might remain connected through that and keep up with each other. This is sort of why there might not be a reason to have a sit-down break-up. I had a friendship that I ended officially, but only because the pattern ended up being in an unbalanced dynamic that could not be changed.

Being friendly versus forming friendships….

Certain people you meet through classes or out in the bars can be just friendly interactions when you see them. It is perfectly ok to have casual connections. You might even have a total blast and bond for hours. It doesn’t mean that you need to take it to the next level. Allow yourself more interactions to be more breezy and fun.

Your friend-of-a -friend could lead to success….

Loose connections lead to job offers or lucrative introductions for networking. I have said that the second- and third-tier friends are the best at dating set-ups. They see you at your most social and have a larger net for introductions.

Your friendship might be unbalanced….

I had a friend I made and we would spend some quality time together. I would show up when their band was performing to show support. One evening, I overshared about hooking up with someone. Their reaction was saying, “we aren’t that close.” It was humiliating that I felt we were forming a strong friendship. In protest, I avoided them and distanced myself. It is possible that certain people appreciate that you go the extra mile, but a true trust and connection isn’t actually there.

Overextending for friends….

I hear all the time on podcasts discussing what a friend should do for a bachloratte party or when a friend gets married. Nine-tenths of the time, the bridesmaids get their wallets cleaned out from extravagant gifts and flights. In the micro-sense, friends can take advantage of kindness under the guise of being a good friend. It is important to really evaluate who is taking advantage or who is a true deep friend.

Life is long and life is short….

The life-is-short is a reminder to carpe diem when you are out having a great time. You might have the best night of your life with someone you never see or hear from again. That is ok and it shouldn’t be looked at as a failure. You have those memories and evidence that you are a good hang. In contrast, the life-is-long thing is for connections that ebb and flow. You could always reconnect with an old friend from high school in your 50s. You never know who is coming in and out of your life.

Bottom Line….

Casual dating is a normal thing in most people’s lives. There should be more casual friendships and a detachment of how certain friends are treated. The most common reason why people drift apart is because of physically moving away or going into a new chapter in their life. It is also a good idea to notice when you are overextending and acting closer than the connection actually is. Lastly, you need to stop being stuck in scarcity when it comes to friendships. Most people say they struggle with making new friends. You have to come from a place of abundance and believe you are fun and a good friend. Whoever chooses to stick around is meant to.

How Your Vibe Is Blocking Budding Friendships

Everyone wants to know “where do I meet new friends”? But no one is asking “how do I foster these meet-ups into actual friendships”? You might be frustrated that you put yourself out there and go out and no one wants to push it along. The phase “what do you bring to the table,” should be used in friendships, not only in romantic relationships. In a nutshell, there are mistakes I notice in other people and what I have done myself to block any friendship from getting off the ground. What is preventing you from taking an acquaintance to a friendship….

Are you scared to go outside alone?….

Are you depending on other people to hold your hand and make you feel safe in every social situation? Do you beg your roommate to come with you to the bars or a party? You really need to allow yourself to experience being social without a safety net. Get comfortable with eating lunch alone or treating yourself to coffee after a walk as a start.

Do you invite yourself?….

When you invite yourself you are putting the person in an uncomfortable situation. No one will say no you can’t come. However, that doesn’t mean you will be welcome.

Are you taking the hint?….

For me, three separate cancellations are a clear message they don’t want to continue the friendship. There are exceptions of course. However, you have to put limits on how much you put yourself out there with people who have rejected you.

Are people polite versus actually liking you?….

People do not want conflict. They will smile and nod and listen to anyone, especially in a bar. Don’t take someone’s being nice as wanting to become your best friend. Assume people are just wanting to be social. Do not follow them around the bar like a lost puppy.

What do you bring to the table?….

Are you fun, do you listen, are you a joy to be around? The friend who is a sulky sally is never sought out and asked to join. Not to say you can’t complain here and there. I am speaking more of the people who are crying and in a crisis every day. No one wants to be your savior. Put making new friends on the back burner when you need to get your ducks in a row.

Do you help people just to get a reward?….

You always drive people home and put yourself to good use. You might think you are creating friendship security and people can’t live without you. You in fact are creating a dynamic where they no longer see you as on their level. They see you as weak and someone they can take advantage of.

Are you cool and bubbly?….

Do you have interesting things to talk about? What hobbies, projects, funny stories are you telling? Do you dress in an interesting way? What is unique about you that you can talk about? Be the bubbly girl, aka someone who is sweet, smiley, fun. She radiates joy and is always a good time. Go look up videos on Youtube on how to be charismatic. It is an art that can be learned.

Do you think everyone is your therapist?….

People at the bars or the meet up groups are strangers. It is not appropriate to bring up your sex life or personal medical issues. Tread lightly on topics you discuss. No one wants to hear about your boring office job either.

Are your expectations too high?…

In adult friendships people have pressing priorities to their job, partners, family, etc. You need to shift your lens of kindergarten friendship styles to adult-with-responsibilities. At the beginning of the week they were fresh, but by the weekend they are burned out. Don’t threaten your friends to hang out. Be a little more at arms length and plan things for yourself before you throw out an invite.

Bottom Line….

There are always tips for how to meet new people. Plenty of meet up groups, courses, the bars, you name it. However, when you lack social awareness and discernment, it is a waste to put yourself out there. It is work to keep friends and the universe does not owe you friendships. It is something that needs to be nurtured and watered. Look inward and recognize how you are coming across. The biggest thing is accepting that most people are polite. Just because a stranger was nice to you does not mean you are best friends now. The first step to creating friendships is to cultivate a friendship with yourself. Spend time alone and pick up hobbies and interests. When you create a charismatic aura then it will attract people to you versus you hunting people down.