The Flirting Hour: Practicing Boundaries With Communication

There is a ton of misunderstanding about “playing hard to get.” Most people have the hardest time with this, saying it’s game playing. Honestly, you need to steer the ship because a guy will message you all day long if you let him, resulting in him getting bored and moving on. It’s crucial to control when to speak to men and to not let them monopolize your day…..

What is the flirting hour?…..

Pick a time when you are free and relaxed. It could be the afternoon, or in the evening while watching TV. Carve out that time and do not answer messages until then. It will make the conversation more lively and engaged instead of being distracted and with him constantly asking “WYD?”

Practice saying “TTYL”…..

It’s so hard to actually say this especially since we are surgically attached to our phones. However, it is important to actually say you are busy, even if it means you are taking a walk. It puts up boundaries that you aren’t available 24/7 to chat. Turn your phone on silent around bedtime. The witching hour will bring out guys sending “U up” texts.

Why is this important?….

The more you chat the less likely he will ask you out. He will be getting his emotional needs met and will feel no urgency to see you. This is when the pen pal situation happens.

You might lose interest….

A good match might be discarded because you talked him to death. There is such a thing as over-communicating in the early stages.

Turn off notifications in Tinder and Snapchat….

If you are constantly getting banner alerts on your phone, it’s impossible not to check. Turn off notifications and check at your convenience. Yes, you will get more messages at once, but that’s okay. You can tell your friends to text you instead of Snapchat. Men get pissed off if you open and ignore. Just wait until you are ready to have a conversation.

Some men are going to bail or get mad at you….

Having communication boundaries will make some men angry. The Snapchat boys will unfriend you or at worst huff and puff. I recently had a random guy quick add me on Snapchat from another country. I tried to keep up communication as politely as I could. Keep in mind he basically “cold called” me and expected me to swoon. His final message before unfriending me was saying I was selfish and he was not surprised I was alone….The needy casual guys are not willing to wait or chase you; they want it now or not at all.

Respond time when a crush texts you….

Ok…This is a controversial rule in the book, “The Rules.” The book says to wait a certain amount of time to respond to a first text, depending on your age. The oldest age range should wait four hours! I agree and disagree with this. I do think we give guys too much reassurance when we respond a minute later. Women think the longer you wait to respond the better. This is not true; responding days later kills the dating momentum and can backfire. If you wait an hour or so he might have an internal panic attack and that’s what you want. Guys have done this to me and I have gone though the five stages of grief until he responded an hour later. It’s a tactic that does work. So, try to wait until your TV show episode is over, or you finished eating dinner.

Get in the zone….

This is why you need to pick a time where you are relaxed. Sending messages throughout the workday will result in you complaining and telling him about office gossip he does not care about. Peel back the layer and get into a flirting energy. Your conversations will click better and result in more dates.

Bottom Line…..

Technology is great for connecting, yet we don’t realize how much of our free time we are giving up. It’s important to have time for yourself that does not involve entertaining other people. Even with friends and bosses it’s a good idea to put up boundaries or they will feel entitled to chat morning, noon, and night. Actually saying “TTYL” is a good start to let a person know you have boundaries. It does not mean you are finding a cure for cancer–you just feel like unplugging. Turn off notifications on Tinder and Snapchat and don’t open messages until you are ready. If you carve out a “flirting hour,” then you will be in a good zone to flirt which will result in more dates.

Hitting On Bartenders

I have a theory that bartenders are women’s version of strippers. When men go to strip clubs, there is always that one guy who is convinced the stripper is super into him and wants to be his girlfriend. For women, the bartender attentively listens to her issues and acts interterested in her life. After tipping generously, she is convinced that he wants to date her. This could also apply to a server, barista, or any man in the service industry (even physical therapists, accountants, and bank clerks) that you swear was giving you the “bedroom eyes”…..

What’s some mistakes we make with bartenders, in general?……

Ordering a complicated drink- depending on the bar, it might be standard to order a complex drink. If it’s on the menu, it’s fine, just don’t make up a weird, complicated drink. Try to stick to the classics.

Expecting to get a free drink- Unless you know the bartender personally, or it’s your birthday, don’t expect to get free drinks.

Mistaking friendliness for hitting on you- Most of us who are no longer in school rarely meet men in person anymore. So, we value any interaction that did not involve a swipe. The problem is, we tend to read into just friendliness, or basic customer service.

What if you think he is into you?….

If he asks you out or asks for YOUR number, than that’s a better sign. Also, if you match on an app or meet in another location besides his works, see what he does.

Don’t become a stalker…..

Change up the routine. If you are always at the bar on his shift, it feels weird. Even if he is cute and talks to you, it doesn’t mean he wants you around all the time.

Don’t linger……

It’s fine to have a brief conversation, and then decide to step outside or sit at a table. It’s weird if you are trying to talk to him for hours. Drink your first drink, then when you order your second, move to another location.

If you are alone, it’s fine to be on your phone…..

You aren’t obligated to talk to him. Just keep to yourself and act like a customer. It’s fine to talk if he wants to. In fact, bartenders tend to get super-bored, especially if it’s slow. Don’t be a chatterbox if he seems busy.

If he remembers you, it’s not because he likes you……

Bartenders love regulars. If he recognizes you, it’s to establish a relationship to get a better tip. Customer loyalty is important to most bars.

Don’t write your number on a napkin…….

Made this mistake. You shouldn’t give your number to any man, but especially a bartender. If he is hot, he has girls writing down their numbers on napkins every shift. I am going to assume he crumbles up the napkins and tosses them in the trash.

If you get rejected, disappear…..

Listen, I hope your town has more than one bar. It’s not worth going back to a place where you embarrassed yourself. Don’t try to prove a point by bringing dates to the bar. Just stop. Move on and find a new regular spot to hang. If he happens to start working at the new place, (happened to me), then act strictly like a customer.

He has the memory of a goldfish…..

You have to keep in mind that he has 100 different conversations a night. When I worked as a cashier, there were some customers who expected me to remember them. I usually smiled and nodded, pretending to recognize him/ her. After he cleans up puke from the bathroom and talked to 50 more people, he will have forgotten he even talked you. You get a free pass to be annoying once, but don’t do it again.

Always assume he is not into you…..

As a rule of thumb, never jump to conclusions. You are better off thinking with a cynical mind and assume he is gay, married, or not into you. You can get wrapped up in the fantasy that will shape your decision making. You will be more likely to become a low-key stalker or even act like the FBI making a background check. All this is fine if done once though social media, yet you can go down a rabbit hole if done to excess. Don’t waste your brainpower, time, and energy on a guy who is not pursuing you.

Bottom Line…..

Self-awareness is the key. Again, this does not solely apply to bartenders–it can be the car wash attendant, mailman, or massage therapist. In general, just because a man talks to you doesn’t mean he likes you. If he is at work or on a break, then he is probably just passing the time. Don’t make a fool out of yourself by hitting on him. He is on the clock and trapped behind the bar. Don’t make him feel uncomfortable. Think of the situation in reverse–you would hate it if some guy was flirting with you at your job. If he asks for your number or you run into him outside of work and he shows interest, then go for it! However, this is not your green light to show up every shift. If anything, avoid the bar when he is working as much as you can. You don’t want him to think you are only dating him for the free drinks.

Trusting Yourself in Early Communication

Every girl has a ghostwriter. She will take a screenshot of an app conversation and poll the group chat to chime in. I used to do this all the time, out of insecurity. I didn’t trust that I was witty or had flirting skills. The problem with it is that I wasn’t being my authentic self. There is a lot of pressure to be engaging, so it makes total sense to want a room full of writers for every text exchange. How do we trust that what we are saying is good?

It takes practice, no matter what…

If you are outsourcing your conversations to other people, you aren’t practicing how to flirt yourself. And it’s false advertising. It will be hit or miss until you figure out a good rhythm.

Remember that you don’t have to do all the work…

You have to have the mindset of thinking that you are the receiver, not the pursuer. So, you shouldn’t have a legal pad full of jokes and limericks to impress him. You aren’t the hired entertainment. Yes, there should be witty banter, but you aren’t the birthday clown.

Yes and…

In improv, “yes and…” is a well-known technique. This means that you keep the conversation from hitting a wall. No conversation enders or one-word answers. Ask leading questions and let him talk more.

Keep it positive…

Misery loves company. It’s so easy to hate on things together. The problem with it is that it doesn’t move you forward. People claim they want someone who they can complain to, but it opens up a toxic dynamic. This works fine for friendships, but most people want relationships to be uplifting.

Sarcasm doesn’t come across well though text…

Most of the time it could be misunderstood. In text, a lot of jokes don’t land because it’s read as something literal. It is important to say you are joking or to use emojis.

Steer clear of trauma bonding….

Again keep it positive. There is no need to volunteer bad information about yourself. Self-deprecating humor works better in person and should be used sparingly.

Space out your replies….

It’s never a great idea to be responding in nano-seconds. Space out your response times a bit. Go by what he is giving you. If he is playing the three-day rule, wait half-a-day to respond back.

Bottom Line…

There is a ton of pressure to be witty, sexy, and cool all wrapped up into one person. Some personalities translate better in person. The problem is you won’t get to the date if your personality doesn’t shine though text. When you ask other people to write the text for you, it reinforces that you don’t know what you are doing. You use it as a crutch. You can’t take a friend on your date. It’s best to be authentic from the start with the positive sides of your personality. Trust that you can do it and if it fails, you are learning and getting better with practice.