Valentine’s Day For Singles

Valentine’s Day can be rough for single people. Maybe it’s because in elementary school you were required to give out mini-Valentine’s cards with a Hershey’s kiss taped to it that always said a generic thing with zero-romantic connotation. Then once we reached high school, we had to watch girls with boyfriends who left a red rose on her desk. Nowadays, things haven’t really changed. You might receive a Valentine’s Day card from your mom and a confusing text from your ex….

What should you do on Valentine’s Day if you are single?…..

Some towns have events meant for singles- It could be a dance party or just nice drink specials. One year, I went to a music show that was themed as a 1950s-sock hop, with paper-heart decorations and everything. You never know with whom you might strike up a conversation.

One year I had my tarot read- It was a fun experience and, obviously, I asked about my love life.

What should you avoid?……

Going on a first date- Yes, it sounds romantic, yet it’s full of pressure. If it ends poorly, you will feel worse than any other date.

Third-wheeling on your friend’s date- This happened to me in college. My roommate forced herself into my romantic dinner plans with my boyfriend. It felt rude and ruined my night just to make hers a tiny bit better.

Texting your ex- Yea…never a good idea, but on this day you will feel way worse.

Staying at home vs. being social……

My vote is to be social. Even if you go out for a little bit, you will feel better. Don’t go to a restaurant; stick to bars or cafés. The restaurants will be full of couples overpaying for a fixed menu. Remember to treat yourself–this day is not about being frugal. If you decide to skip going out altogether, then make it special. Order your favorite take-out and watch a funny stand-up special, especially one where you can commiserate with the comic. My favorites are Aziz Ansari specials! He talks a lot about modern love and even has a book called, “Modern Romance.”

Don’t expect a text from that guy you are seeing casually…..

Guys make an effort not to confuse women. He knows if he texted on Valentine’s, then it would come up in a fight about exclusivity later on. Do not reach out to him.

On the same note, you will find out his true feelings…..

Maybe you don’t know where you stand with a guy. Instead of having “the talk” too early, see what he does on the day. Does he want to see you? (Yes, he knows what day it is.) Don’t be the social dictator by asking him to hang out or inviting yourself over. If he does nothing, or invites you over for a booty call, nothing extra, then decide if you want to continue dating him.

It’s tempting to throw a pity party for yourself…..

This can be fine as long as you don’t involve social media or your ex. Don’t write weird, passive-aggressive things on Twitter or Facebook. In fact, try to not scroll on Instagram as much. It’s better to turn off your phone for a night than calling out a fuck-boy or a guy who recently ghosted, or trying to make last-minute plans with a guy who isn’t interested. This isn’t your green light to break down in tears at your local bar and wince at every couple who holds hands around you. If you are going to be a loose cannon, then plan on staying home. Plan ahead, buy snacks, a bottle of bubbly, and fancy chocolate. Think of it as a self-love holiday.

Beware of players trying to play…..

Slimy men know that the day before Valentine’s and the day of will have desperate women. They will swoop in your Snapchat and beg to see your beautiful face and come over because it’s not like you have plans anyway, right? Don’t fall for it. Yes, you might feel left out and it does kind of suck to be reminded that you are single. It doesn’t mean you should humiliate and degrade yourself. Alone doesn’t mean lonely; stay strong and remember to turn off your phone.

Bottom Line…..

Don’t be that bitter single girl. I have been in relationships on Valentine’s and the guys would totally drop the ball. It’s way better to not have a boyfriend than one who disappoints you. If there is something going on, then go out! If you decide to stay in, then indulge and treat yourself. Remember to not go on a first date. It’s a rom-com plot gone wrong and will sting harder if it doesn’t work out. If you are in a weird gray area with a guy, see if he does anything on the day. If he completely ignores you, then it was intentional. It’s not because he forgot it was February 14th.

How to Get Through a Breakup

Coming out of a bad breakup causes trauma, making it hard to seek out a new guy or to stay in the dating game at all. You sacrificed a lot. You feel angry with a mix of sadness and regret. So, let’s talk about the logistics of dealing with a breakup….

In extreme cases, do a “He-tox”….

Meaning, you should literally avoid the male sex as much as you can. Watch female-empowering media, read literature by women, support a female-founded business. Of course, the patriarchy will slip though the cracks, but making mindful choices to avoid men will be a nice cleanse.

Don’t take a year-long break…..

Pause your dating apps for now. You don’t want to project your sadness onto new matches. I am not saying you should wallow for a year or anything. There should be a period of time to do yoga, meditate, and maybe even go back to or start therapy. I have found that a good dating podcast or two never hurt anything. Give yourself about a month-long timeline. If you take years and years to get over a guy, you are giving him way too much power over your happiness.

Talking endlessly to your friends may not be that productive….

For me, I like to air out my feelings out loud in an empty car while driving somewhere. I figure 80% of therapy is hearing your own thoughts out loud anyway. Try not to wear out your welcome with friends and family. Give yourself time to check in and process by yourself. A journal or diary can be very helpful, too. Not that you shouldn’t talk to your friends, but I think you should be careful about bringing him up every FaceTime. Even if your friends are encouraging you to talk about him, you should restrict yourself and at some point say that you are just trying to move on and need to forget him.

So what’s the protocol after the break up?….

I say if it’s a long term thing, obviously it’s more complicated. It could be a divorce, you might be living together, etc. So, with serious relationships there might need to be a period of time when you are still in contact for legal reasons or just logistical ones. Otherwise, I say end contact as soon as you can.

Remember to unfollow and block on everything…..

If this makes you feel panicked, then tell him you need to block on socials for a while. If he isn’t keeping up with you after the breakup, then you probably don’t need to inform him. Sometimes, if he isn’t talking right after, he will pop up a month later and ruin your progress. I know it’s super hard to not check up on him. However, it will be devastating to see him become Instagram official with another girl. Mainly, the only reason an ex wants to stay in contact is purely for his ego and to not seem like the bad guy. If he wants to be “friends,” be firm and say, “maybe someday, but I need this time to myself.”

As far as stuff goes…

Is it a family heirloom? Or something that’s super-expensive or valuable? Then by all means get it back! However, save yourself the endless scheduling of picking up your old key chain that you bought from a gas station. Don’t use this an an excuse to see him. For his belongings same thing, ask if it’s important to him. If it isn’t, then you can just donate ,etc. Try to be mature about returning leftover items; this is not the time to waste his time or play games.

Closure isn’t worth getting….

Calling him and asking what went wrong will be a waste of time. You will stay in contact way too long just to get a, “it’s not you, it’s me” response. Not worth the time or effort. Just expect it wasn’t meant to be. I know this is hard especially if the relationship went on for years. Sometimes, relationships simply run out of gas. So, when he says he “doesn’t know,” that might be the truth.

Be careful of the post-breakup haircut….

It’s tempting to pull a Britney and shave your hair off. Don’t. Do something nice for yourself instead—order your favorite meal or an indulgent beauty product off Amazon. You will regret doing anything drastic that will take years to grow back.

Bottom Line…

Be kind to yourself and your emotions. If you end up crying in a Target parking lot while listening to a particular John Mayer song… do it. However, I wouldn’t recommend crying at work or anywhere too public. Develop boundaries with people in your life and really take time for you. Try to not be such a people pleaser and practice saying no. Moving forward, you might gain a lot of perspective and even change the way you date for the future. I feel every relationship is a new learning opportunity.