Egg On Your Face: The Humiliating Experience Of Rejection

Rejection can hit you like a dump truck when you thought you looked both ways. Years ago I was at a bar. I saw a guy and decided to approach him; we had a great conversation….yet…he never asked me out on an official date and we faded out. A year later, I saw him again! I debated with myself if I should say hello. “Would he remember me?” I texted my friends in real time hoping to get the green light to wave to him. I finally made eye contact, waved, and smiled across the bar. A look of confusion and concern washed over his face. I knew I’d made a huge mistake. I quickly retreated to the outdoor patio leaving my dignity inside the bar. I then realized I had to pass him again to leave…..

When a guy hasn’t kept in contact….DON’T FOLLOW UP…..

In fact, I go by the two week contact rule. When I have not heard from a guy in my contact list in two weeks straight, I delete his number.

Try not to make the first move…..

Usually when it isn’t his idea in the first place, nothing will materialize. He continuing the conversation might be out of pure politeness, not interest. A TON of confusion, asking the group chat, and mixed signals stems from this. Save yourself the drama and don’t approach.

Rejection is letting go of your power…..

Sometimes it’s perfectly fine to play it safe. When you don’t know the outcome, it can make you feel powerless. Most fearless friends who have a YOLO mindset can set you up for embarrassment. Take the “be brave” advice with a grain of salt. You are allowed to look before you leap.

How do we keep ourselves from being rejected in the future?…..

You have to look at the signs at face value. Is this guy making an effort to talk and keep up with you? It’s best to recognize interest versus politeness. It will save you an embarrassing moment. When there is zero forward motion (asking to get you a drink, exchanging phone numbers, asking to see you again) assume he was bored or being polite.

How do we move on from rejection?…..

Ruminating about a rejection is the worst thing you can do. It’s best to feel safe in your little bubble, but rejection can happen no matter how careful you were. Getting rejected can cause you to feel insecure and not feel great about accepting a new date. Fight this feeling and keep swiping. Tell yourself it will be a funny story to tell later.

Rejection can be humbling….

You might have been on a hot streak and gotten a big head. Sometimes you need to come back down to earth and appreciate when a good date comes along. Not having a perspective makes all dates mundane.

Bottom Line….

Rejection is going to happen even when you are super careful. You will make rookie mistakes, especially when you are newly single and getting out there. Taking a temperature of the room is the first step. The best thing you can learn is self-awareness and picking up what people are putting down. Notice when you are the only one reaching out, and he is not moving things forward. On the bright side, rejection can be humbling and lets you appreciate when a great date comes along.

The Polite Rejection

If you are like me, you would rather be a kind soul until the bitter end. Even if it results in your foot being run over by a car because you thought it was rude to bring attention to it. To me this manifests the most in dating. As women, we are taught that the worst thing we can do to a man is lead him on and reject him. Rejection has made unstable guys shoot up a movie theater or start a podcast. However, saying yes to literally everything has consequences. The second you agree you are now locked in and it’s even harder to say no to other things men want. Believe it or not, people actually like as many things in black and white as possible. I would much rather hear a soft “no” then a wishy-washy “maybe.” But how do we actually say no to keep both parties happy?…..

Mind your manners….

There is no reason to not be polite. This is the key to wiggle out of any plans. The nicer you are, the less he can argue. (It is a huge sign a person is not into you if he goes into costumer-service mode). He cannot say you are a bitch, or heartless. Say things like, “thank you so much for asking, but I am going to pass,” “thanks for thinking of me, but no thank you,” “that’s sweet of you, but I don’t feel the spark.”

He will think you are playing hard to get….

If you have been clear and polite and have conveyed the message, your work is done. He will try to rope you in and convince you. Don’t fall for it. Also, do not fall for him acting sad and trying to manipulate you. Stop answering after you have made your statement and block him if he persists.

You don’t have to make up a boyfriend….but….

Sometimes, the boyfriend card is your last card to play. Men will only leave you alone if he believes there is another man in the picture. I know this sucks, but he is more loyal to the bro code rather than you feeling violated.

Don’t let him have access to everything….

Creep guys like multiple ways to contact you. It’s a red flag if he asks for every social media you have. He hopes you will forget to block him on every platform.

Don’t let anyone say you are rude for turning down a guy….

“Rejecting a date with a man! How could you!?”….anyone who thinks you are dramatic for turning down a date lives in scarcity and is projecting their own fears on you.

Your intuition matters…..

As a woman, your gift is intuition. It’s a gut reaction that will let you know something is off. Even the tiny things, like you don’t like how he walks or speaks. Your first impression feelings are almost always right. Trust your own feelings when he texts or when you spend time with him. Are you excited to see him or do you hesitate? Also…sometimes “butterflies” and feeling really nervous is actually your intuition warning you.

Bottom Line…..

When rejecting a man, it should be quick, clear, and polite. The longer you draw it out, the more he will guilt you. This can apply with family or friends. When you say right away that you won’t be making it…weirdly, they are less angry. Saying maybe is actually more rude than actually giving them a heads up pronto. If you have concisely said your message, there is no negotiation…that’s your answer. Be clear, be polite, and block if necessary.

Hitting On Bartenders

I have a theory that bartenders are women’s version of strippers. When men go to strip clubs, there is always that one guy who is convinced the stripper is super into him and wants to be his girlfriend. For women, the bartender attentively listens to her issues and acts interterested in her life. After tipping generously, she is convinced that he wants to date her. This could also apply to a server, barista, or any man in the service industry (even physical therapists, accountants, and bank clerks) that you swear was giving you the “bedroom eyes”…..

What’s some mistakes we make with bartenders, in general?……

Ordering a complicated drink- depending on the bar, it might be standard to order a complex drink. If it’s on the menu, it’s fine, just don’t make up a weird, complicated drink. Try to stick to the classics.

Expecting to get a free drink- Unless you know the bartender personally, or it’s your birthday, don’t expect to get free drinks.

Mistaking friendliness for hitting on you- Most of us who are no longer in school rarely meet men in person anymore. So, we value any interaction that did not involve a swipe. The problem is, we tend to read into just friendliness, or basic customer service.

What if you think he is into you?….

If he asks you out or asks for YOUR number, than that’s a better sign. Also, if you match on an app or meet in another location besides his works, see what he does.

Don’t become a stalker…..

Change up the routine. If you are always at the bar on his shift, it feels weird. Even if he is cute and talks to you, it doesn’t mean he wants you around all the time.

Don’t linger……

It’s fine to have a brief conversation, and then decide to step outside or sit at a table. It’s weird if you are trying to talk to him for hours. Drink your first drink, then when you order your second, move to another location.

If you are alone, it’s fine to be on your phone…..

You aren’t obligated to talk to him. Just keep to yourself and act like a customer. It’s fine to talk if he wants to. In fact, bartenders tend to get super-bored, especially if it’s slow. Don’t be a chatterbox if he seems busy.

If he remembers you, it’s not because he likes you……

Bartenders love regulars. If he recognizes you, it’s to establish a relationship to get a better tip. Customer loyalty is important to most bars.

Don’t write your number on a napkin…….

Made this mistake. You shouldn’t give your number to any man, but especially a bartender. If he is hot, he has girls writing down their numbers on napkins every shift. I am going to assume he crumbles up the napkins and tosses them in the trash.

If you get rejected, disappear…..

Listen, I hope your town has more than one bar. It’s not worth going back to a place where you embarrassed yourself. Don’t try to prove a point by bringing dates to the bar. Just stop. Move on and find a new regular spot to hang. If he happens to start working at the new place, (happened to me), then act strictly like a customer.

He has the memory of a goldfish…..

You have to keep in mind that he has 100 different conversations a night. When I worked as a cashier, there were some customers who expected me to remember them. I usually smiled and nodded, pretending to recognize him/ her. After he cleans up puke from the bathroom and talked to 50 more people, he will have forgotten he even talked you. You get a free pass to be annoying once, but don’t do it again.

Always assume he is not into you…..

As a rule of thumb, never jump to conclusions. You are better off thinking with a cynical mind and assume he is gay, married, or not into you. You can get wrapped up in the fantasy that will shape your decision making. You will be more likely to become a low-key stalker or even act like the FBI making a background check. All this is fine if done once though social media, yet you can go down a rabbit hole if done to excess. Don’t waste your brainpower, time, and energy on a guy who is not pursuing you.

Bottom Line…..

Self-awareness is the key. Again, this does not solely apply to bartenders–it can be the car wash attendant, mailman, or massage therapist. In general, just because a man talks to you doesn’t mean he likes you. If he is at work or on a break, then he is probably just passing the time. Don’t make a fool out of yourself by hitting on him. He is on the clock and trapped behind the bar. Don’t make him feel uncomfortable. Think of the situation in reverse–you would hate it if some guy was flirting with you at your job. If he asks for your number or you run into him outside of work and he shows interest, then go for it! However, this is not your green light to show up every shift. If anything, avoid the bar when he is working as much as you can. You don’t want him to think you are only dating him for the free drinks.