Abandoned For The New Man

Nothing feels better when you and your BFF are single at the same time. You stay out longer at the bars, commiserate over f*ckboys, and have the most heart-to-hearts. Then all of a sudden….she gets into a relationship. Texts are ignored, hangouts are postponed until further notice. How can you navigate when your bestie gets a new man?……

Stop the narrative that The Singles are jealous…..

We singles aren’t mad that you are in a relationship; we just want to see you. Are some single friends jealous?….could be, but that’s not all that is going on.

As the friend you feel crazy…..

You probably asked her to hang out countless times. The response is usually, “Well, I will have to see what Brad is up to, but maybe.” You aren’t sure if you should keep asking or drop it completely.

Understand what’s really happening……

The honeymoon fog takes over for the first month or so. She no longer needs three people for the work of one. She has a new therapist, lover, and friend all wrapped into one. After a certain point, stop asking just to be turned down.

You might be a bad influence…..

Pick up what she is putting down. She could have sworn off her single days and wants to wipe her old life away. You could be seen as a “bad influence” and take the blame for her bad behavior

What should you do?…..

Understand that the phase might pass, but be prepared if it doesn’t. Build up 2nd and 3rd tier friends now. Go to social events, parties, and mingle. When you have an army of acquaintances you will feel more in control. Seek out single friends who want to go out and be social.

What you should not do…..

The juvenile way of thinking is to sabotage her relationship so she becomes single again. Your opinions about her new boyfriend mean very little in her decision making. In fact, it will cause her to distance from you more. (Obviously, if he is an ex-con or an abuser speak up). Your only option is to hang in there and hope she wants to hang down the road.

Bottom Line…..

It hurts the most when you are the one left in the dust. Friendships are at their peak ripeness when you are both single, annoyed at men, and want to party. Just because she got swept away doesn’t mean you can’t seek out other single friends. I understand she is your BFF, but you need to leave space for her to grow. You can’t expect your relationship to stay the same forever. Your friends may move, get into relationships, or start a new demanding job. Friendships should be ever evolving with you always needing to be ready to add new friends to the rotation.

Can An Ex Become A Friend?

After a breakup it’s very common for him to offer friendship so his routine is not disrupted. He may want a smooth transition into the next girl. Men are less comfortable being truly single. However, there are cases where he wants to be friends for real. How can you decide what his true motives are, and should you consider being his friend?….

Time heals all wounds?…..

When you go though a big breakup, give yourself a year of no contact. I know that sounds extreme, but you need to figure out how to live your new life. Ask yourself why you still want him in your life besides getting back together. The year of no contact can give you perspective on if he actually makes your world richer or not.

The two good things about becoming friends…..

  1. You don’t have to play games anymore- It’s sort of liberating to be able to text when you feel like it and not play hot and cold

2. It will feel good to take him off a pedestal- You will find a better fit for you

Are you cool with him having a new girlfriend?…..

Really think about this….You can’t have one conversation without him bringing her up. He might even treat her better than he treated you! This can be a huge slap in the face. You will watch him become a doting boyfriend who cherishes her when he sort of treated you as an afterthought. Even if you only see this play out on social media, it can be heart wrenching. When it’s rubbed in your face every time you hang out, it can be unbearable.

Do you have an active dating life?….

You can’t be friends with your ex if you aren’t actively dating and talking to new men. If you are lonely and feeling vulnerable, you will want to get back together. You figure you deserve to be with him since you stuck it out with him.

Are you trying to get revenge?…..

You should never have a revenge friendship. It’s not worth your time to make him jealous. He will be oblivious that you are doing revenge when you are being nice and spending time with him. He won’t register that as you being cruel and taunting him with what he could have had. He just views everything at face value. So stop trying to kill him with kindness or bring dates around him

Does he actually want to be friends or is he being selfish?…..

Some men like to keep women around as back ups. This type of guy is really confusing because he might swear he wants you in his life. Sometimes he is just using you so he doesn’t have to meet new women. Friends with benefits is not friends, and being friendly if you run into each other is not friends. Usually by friends he means he does not want drama or animosity if you end up in the same room

Were you originally friends?…..

This can change things. Starting out as good friends, then trying to date, and then going back to friends can work. Some male and female friendships can get a lot of outside pressure to date. It could have been an experiment gone wrong.

Bottom Line….

Being friends with an ex usually doesn’t pan out in your favor. You can’t have secret motives to win him back. Most men don’t value opposite sex relationships as much as women do. He might be a flaky second-tier friend rather than your bestie. Put focus on dating new men and have an active dating life. He could be asking you for dating advice or have a girlfriend. Do not become his friend just so he feels better about dumping you. He needs to feel the repercussions of his actions, not you just brushing it off and being the cool girl. Have standards, boundaries, and let him feel your absence.

Friends Feedback

Good friends stand the test of time and let us be our complete selves. Since we are so close to our friends we love talking about our dating lives. Being the only single one in a group of coupled up girls makes you feel like the hired entertainment. They love hearing about the apps and the f*ckboys….but how much of their opinions should we take to heart?…..

First off…have they experienced the apps?….

It’s hard for coupled-up folks who met their partner ten years ago to chime in about modern dating. They may have some good insights on certain things, but overall they haven’t been in the trenches.

Keep complaining to a minimum….

If you are crying to them every time you have a bad date, they will be thinking of ways to cut you out of the friend group. Spare your friend group the nitty-gritty of dating unless the story is entertaining. If you have a major issue, tell a therapist or a very close single girlfriend. It’s tempting to snowball into asking advice for literally everything. You ask for outfit advice, then what to say on the date, then ask why he didn’t text back. Some friends live for talking about boys. However, as you get older most of your friends are coupled up, have kids, and demanding jobs. Keep dating to yourself; casual dating is a lonely road.

If you are in an exclusive relationship, keep fights private…..

Stop telling every detail of your relationship to your BFF. Sometimes, things need to be just between you and your boyfriend. Spreading around your private business does not help build trust. If you need an outside option, pick wisely who to tell. Most of the “advice” is to dump him. More than likely your friend just doesn’t like your boyfriend’s personality and wants you to meet someone else.

Speaking of the “dump him” advice…..

Try to make sure you are not doing that to your girlfriends. You are not allowed to tell a girlfriend to dump her boyfriend just because he wears cargo shorts all year. Unless he is beating her, mentally abusing her, or stealing, then keep your mouth shut.

Remember to spend solo times with friends….

Just because you become a “we” doesn’t mean he should be at every brunch and girl’s night. Trust me, no one likes your boyfriend that much (sorry). Yes, your friends should meet him if you become exclusive, but save it for a special event or very sparingly. Same thing with you becoming buddies with his friends. He probably doesn’t appreciate you at every college football game at his friends house.

Pace yourself from friends introductions….

If you are still in the first few months, wait until he introduces you to his friends first. When you finally introduce him try not to immediately say, “so… what do you think?” It puts your friends in a judgmental mode for your entire relationship. Same thing for only talking about your boyfriend when you had a fight. You are only showing your friends the worst side of him and that’s all they know.

Pick your friends over a date…..

If you have plans with friends then a guy swoops in and asks you out, always pick friends. I know you want to go on a date, but your friends will be pissed that you threw girl’s night out the window for a random guy. It comes across desperate to your friends and the guy. It’s sexier to be busy, have plans, and a community of friends. On top of that, he would never do that for you. He probably has the mantra… “weekends are for the boys!”

Bottom Line…..

It is hard to weave our friendships and our dating life together. There needs to be more separation between dating and friendship. If you are in a casual phase, keep it under wraps. Pick and choose who is your boy-talk girls and who isn’t. Even still, don’t bombard them with all your dating woes. Cherish your friendships, as Charlotte from “Sex And The City” says to the girls, “Maybe we should be each other’s soulmates.” Why are friends just for fun, maybe it should be the other way around.

Meeting His Friends

Meeting his friends can happen in an exclusive relationship and even in casual. Either way, it is a test to see if you could possibly fit into his world. Unfortunately, you might not get a formal warning that you will meet a friend or two. Like a health inspector, the situation will happen when you least expect it. It’s best to be mentally prepared and on your toes for when it pops up…..

Running into a friend while out….

This is the first level of meeting a friend: running into one while out in public. Your instincts might be to hang back, let them chat for a minute, and check your phone. If he doesn’t introduce you, then do it yourself. Acknowledge the awkwardness and smile and say your name.

A friend unexpectedly shows up…..

Talk to the friend and acknowledge they are there. Be engaged and ask questions. This person needs to see you as bubbly and friendly. You don’t know if this is the best friend or bar friend, either way, act alive and be awake.

Keep it light….

When you do chat with a friend, keep it surface-level. Introverts have a hard time with small talk. They would rather talk about trauma and their biggest fears to a stranger than discussing the weather patterns. If you have an issue with light chitchat, look up stock questions and have a mini-script.

If you meet a whole group, you will have to work harder….

This is a tough situation…. who do you talk to? Your boyfriend or casual guy will not help you out. He is seeing how well you adapt in a social setting and how you vibe naturally. There might be multiple conversations happening at once. Talk to the person closest to you for several minutes, then float around. Even if the conversation isn’t riveting, he needs to see you engaging.

Don’t cling to your boyfriend…..

It’s tempting to hide behind your man like a child hiding behind their mom’s leg at the grocery store. You might physically cling to him. Don’t do this. You’ll look insecure and it might seem alarming to him that you can’t talk to a stranger.

Don’t ask to leave early….

Nothing is worse than saying, “Hey babe, can we leave?” (Never ride together–have your own transportation in any social setting). Either way, you saying you are sick with a headache won’t win you brownie points. Stick it out and show him you can hang.

Do something impressive….

If you are in a big group, it’s hard to stand out. Our social lives will soon be opening up. More and more people will want to do fun activities. Do something brave: sing karaoke, be the first on the dance floor, nail it at trivia.

Make sure everyone knows your name….

Nothing is worse than meeting a guy multiple times and he saying, “Hi! I’m Mark, it’s nice to meet you!”…. (Yes, Mark, we have met many, many times!) This is why you need to make a point to introduce yourself to as many people as you can. Also…if your name is complicated or hard to pronounce or remember, consider going by a nickname or middle name.

What if his friends aren’t party animals?….

It’s easier to party with the party friends. If his friends would rather play “Dungeons and Dragons,” it’s harder to stand out. (Plus all of them will be introverts). You might be off the hook if he would rather have the game night with his friends. You can suggest just meeting for dinner or drinks. However, if he does ask you to come over for game night, agree and make the most of it. It’s one evening and you will survive.

Why it’s important to win his friends over….

If done right, these people might make a casual situation to a committed one. His friends have so much influence over his decisions. If they aren’t feeling your “vibe,” it could cause him to fade you out.

Bottom Line…..

Meeting his friends should not be treated lightly. It is a setup to see if you can possibly be in his world. If you blow it by ignoring everyone and asking to leave early, then that’s on you. You need to get these people on your side. Be the bubbly girl who likes to have fun. You might be in a situation where you don’t shine. You have to adapt to the situation and make the most of it. As long as you are staying engaged with everyone, you will be golden.