Adopting a Social Personality

When I worked my service industry jobs I adopted my “work personality”. Our society sadly does not celebrate introverts. The costumer service personality is: friendly, willing to help, and peppy. In the dating world it’s best to have a “dating personality”. And yes…I know this sounds wrong or unfair (but I should be myself!!!!). However, if you are trying to be more social and meet men off the apps some changes in your vibe need to be made. If you have moved to a new city, started your first year of college, or just want a clean slate and get a better social circle here are some ways to navigate it……

What is bubbly?…..

There is a fine line between bubbly and loud and annoying. Truthfully it comes down to how you look and tone of voice. Dressing super gaudy and vulgar will force people to perceive you as “too much”. Bubbly has a quiet confidence and is understated. She doesn’t announce herself in the room, everyone already sees her.

Flirt in a cute way…..

Keep the siren sexual flirting to the pros. It’s better to be PG and charming. As long as you are smiling and having a good time that’s all you need.

Body language…..

Yes it matters! Sit up straight and walk tall. It will feel unnatural if you are used to slumping over while you sit. Eye contact is a huge thing! Force yourself to at least stare at the forehead if eye contact is too intense.

Being snarky and sarcastic is used as armor…..

It seems cool to flick your cigarette while trash talking. Yet, it’s very masculine. I had the mindset that cool is masculine. Being feminine has more power than being “one of the guys”. Charisma and charm is your super power. Also there is nothing wrong with holding off a sour mood. When you enter a social setting listen to that mood boosting song and stop your hamster wheel thoughts from continuing.

Go with a simple nickname…..

Sometimes it’s all about branding. Certain names get misheard or confused with another name. Consider going with a short nickname or your middle name. The shorter and more clear the better. It will ease your mind with introductions and your won’t get the dreaded, “sorry, what’s your name again?”

Self love isn’t just a buzzword…..

It’s an act of rebellion to love yourself. Our society encourages us to hate ourselves so we spend money on products. It’s all about your vibes and aura in social settings. A smile and eye contact goes a long way. Positivity moves you forward and negativity will put up a wall.

Bottom Line……

Do certain personalities prevail in dating and social settings? Yes!….It’s not about changing yourself or interests. You can still be an introvert, but practice being present. Eye contact and smiling while being apart of the conversation is all people want. They want to be heard and listened to. Introductions can be stressful when you have a confusing name. Decide if it’s better to go by a nickname or a middle name. Bubbly should be the goal for how you are perceived. Complaining and being an energy vampire will push people away. Breezy, light, fun, and sweet should be the adjectives that everyone describes you.

Friends Feedback

Good friends stand the test of time and let us be our complete selves. Since we are so close to our friends we love talking about our dating lives. Being the only single one in a group of coupled up girls makes you feel like the hired entertainment. They love hearing about the apps and the f*ckboys….but how much of their opinions should we take to heart?…..

First off…have they experienced the apps?….

It’s hard for coupled-up folks who met their partner ten years ago to chime in about modern dating. They may have some good insights on certain things, but overall they haven’t been in the trenches.

Keep complaining to a minimum….

If you are crying to them every time you have a bad date, they will be thinking of ways to cut you out of the friend group. Spare your friend group the nitty-gritty of dating unless the story is entertaining. If you have a major issue, tell a therapist or a very close single girlfriend. It’s tempting to snowball into asking advice for literally everything. You ask for outfit advice, then what to say on the date, then ask why he didn’t text back. Some friends live for talking about boys. However, as you get older most of your friends are coupled up, have kids, and demanding jobs. Keep dating to yourself; casual dating is a lonely road.

If you are in an exclusive relationship, keep fights private…..

Stop telling every detail of your relationship to your BFF. Sometimes, things need to be just between you and your boyfriend. Spreading around your private business does not help build trust. If you need an outside option, pick wisely who to tell. Most of the “advice” is to dump him. More than likely your friend just doesn’t like your boyfriend’s personality and wants you to meet someone else.

Speaking of the “dump him” advice…..

Try to make sure you are not doing that to your girlfriends. You are not allowed to tell a girlfriend to dump her boyfriend just because he wears cargo shorts all year. Unless he is beating her, mentally abusing her, or stealing, then keep your mouth shut.

Remember to spend solo times with friends….

Just because you become a “we” doesn’t mean he should be at every brunch and girl’s night. Trust me, no one likes your boyfriend that much (sorry). Yes, your friends should meet him if you become exclusive, but save it for a special event or very sparingly. Same thing with you becoming buddies with his friends. He probably doesn’t appreciate you at every college football game at his friends house.

Pace yourself from friends introductions….

If you are still in the first few months, wait until he introduces you to his friends first. When you finally introduce him try not to immediately say, “so… what do you think?” It puts your friends in a judgmental mode for your entire relationship. Same thing for only talking about your boyfriend when you had a fight. You are only showing your friends the worst side of him and that’s all they know.

Pick your friends over a date…..

If you have plans with friends then a guy swoops in and asks you out, always pick friends. I know you want to go on a date, but your friends will be pissed that you threw girl’s night out the window for a random guy. It comes across desperate to your friends and the guy. It’s sexier to be busy, have plans, and a community of friends. On top of that, he would never do that for you. He probably has the mantra… “weekends are for the boys!”

Bottom Line…..

It is hard to weave our friendships and our dating life together. There needs to be more separation between dating and friendship. If you are in a casual phase, keep it under wraps. Pick and choose who is your boy-talk girls and who isn’t. Even still, don’t bombard them with all your dating woes. Cherish your friendships, as Charlotte from “Sex And The City” says to the girls, “Maybe we should be each other’s soulmates.” Why are friends just for fun, maybe it should be the other way around.

Meeting His Friends

Meeting his friends can happen in an exclusive relationship and even in casual. Either way, it is a test to see if you could possibly fit into his world. Unfortunately, you might not get a formal warning that you will meet a friend or two. Like a health inspector, the situation will happen when you least expect it. It’s best to be mentally prepared and on your toes for when it pops up…..

Running into a friend while out….

This is the first level of meeting a friend: running into one while out in public. Your instincts might be to hang back, let them chat for a minute, and check your phone. If he doesn’t introduce you, then do it yourself. Acknowledge the awkwardness and smile and say your name.

A friend unexpectedly shows up…..

Talk to the friend and acknowledge they are there. Be engaged and ask questions. This person needs to see you as bubbly and friendly. You don’t know if this is the best friend or bar friend, either way, act alive and be awake.

Keep it light….

When you do chat with a friend, keep it surface-level. Introverts have a hard time with small talk. They would rather talk about trauma and their biggest fears to a stranger than discussing the weather patterns. If you have an issue with light chitchat, look up stock questions and have a mini-script.

If you meet a whole group, you will have to work harder….

This is a tough situation…. who do you talk to? Your boyfriend or casual guy will not help you out. He is seeing how well you adapt in a social setting and how you vibe naturally. There might be multiple conversations happening at once. Talk to the person closest to you for several minutes, then float around. Even if the conversation isn’t riveting, he needs to see you engaging.

Don’t cling to your boyfriend…..

It’s tempting to hide behind your man like a child hiding behind their mom’s leg at the grocery store. You might physically cling to him. Don’t do this. You’ll look insecure and it might seem alarming to him that you can’t talk to a stranger.

Don’t ask to leave early….

Nothing is worse than saying, “Hey babe, can we leave?” (Never ride together–have your own transportation in any social setting). Either way, you saying you are sick with a headache won’t win you brownie points. Stick it out and show him you can hang.

Do something impressive….

If you are in a big group, it’s hard to stand out. Our social lives will soon be opening up. More and more people will want to do fun activities. Do something brave: sing karaoke, be the first on the dance floor, nail it at trivia.

Make sure everyone knows your name….

Nothing is worse than meeting a guy multiple times and he saying, “Hi! I’m Mark, it’s nice to meet you!”…. (Yes, Mark, we have met many, many times!) This is why you need to make a point to introduce yourself to as many people as you can. Also…if your name is complicated or hard to pronounce or remember, consider going by a nickname or middle name.

What if his friends aren’t party animals?….

It’s easier to party with the party friends. If his friends would rather play “Dungeons and Dragons,” it’s harder to stand out. (Plus all of them will be introverts). You might be off the hook if he would rather have the game night with his friends. You can suggest just meeting for dinner or drinks. However, if he does ask you to come over for game night, agree and make the most of it. It’s one evening and you will survive.

Why it’s important to win his friends over….

If done right, these people might make a casual situation to a committed one. His friends have so much influence over his decisions. If they aren’t feeling your “vibe,” it could cause him to fade you out.

Bottom Line…..

Meeting his friends should not be treated lightly. It is a setup to see if you can possibly be in his world. If you blow it by ignoring everyone and asking to leave early, then that’s on you. You need to get these people on your side. Be the bubbly girl who likes to have fun. You might be in a situation where you don’t shine. You have to adapt to the situation and make the most of it. As long as you are staying engaged with everyone, you will be golden.