Keeping Calm And Carrying On: Navigating A Difficult Date

Coming across a jaded dude on the apps is pretty common. He might have just gotten divorced or has been burned too many times. Usually, there are no sweet nothings and flowery language. Just blunt and to the point. He might question your competence and your life decisions. This situation hopefully will only be a first date you took a chance on. (It might even happen in an intense interview). How do you get though a date where the guy is grilling you?…..

Remain calm no matter what….

I have had dates where the guy loved to neg and question my life choices. A 9-5er will scoff at a non-traditional career path and schedule. However, some men actually want to bully for their amusement. It’s important to not take the bait.

Don’t answer questions right away…..

Take a few moments to think of an answer. Don’t just fumble into an anxious defense. Take a moment, sip your drink, and smile. He might feel awkward and ashamed he asked the question in the first place.

Change the subject…..

Deflection is your friend. You can always change the subject or interrupt the question with you saying you need to use the restroom or get another drink. Most questions have an expiration date and can be disrupted. Everyone has a short attention span and wants to move on.

Shift the questions on him….

A lot of politicians answer a question with a question. It’s a tactic that puts the asker on the spot.

Ask him to repeat the questions…..

He might be embarrassed he asked a question and might retreat when confronted to repeat it.

Kill him with humor…..

A good comeback is calm and hilarious. There are no swear words or low blows. A lot of comedians who handle hecklers on a nightly basis have the quick comeback down. The best part is the restraint to not show you are offended and to keep it light and smart. Not everyone can pull this off, but it’s an amazing skill to do a “mic drop” moment if necessary.

Poker face…..

Your emotions will show up in your eyes. You might frown or have terror written all over your face. Consciously try to not move your brows or narrow your eyes.

Get grounded…..

Look around the room and mentally count how many objects are on a table. Get yourself centered back in the room and regroup. You heart might be racing and your blood pressure is going up. Inhale and exhale to get your pulse back down.

Give him the benefit of the doubt…..

You can’t know the full intent based on one question. You could be projecting your insecurities and hearing a reasonable questions as an attack. Assume, at least at first, that he is kidding or lightly roasting. Some guys just have a sarcastic tone and it is hard to tell if he is purposely tearing you down.

Don’t stay long…..

The longer you feel disrespected the more he learns you are perfectly fine with it. If it’s truly uncomfortable and you feel he is pushing you over the limit, then leave. You don’t have to make a scene, just politely say you need to go.

Bottom Line…..

Uncomfortable dates or even interviews for jobs will happen. You truly don’t know what kind of mood a person will be in. Obviously, you can leave immediately and not put up with any disrespect. However, this could be good practice around difficult people ( family, co-workers, bosses). It’s good to know you can stand your ground and not be rattled by any little question. The main thing is to not come across as affected. Most bullies need an active audience. Pick up on the vibes before the date is set up. Is he already coming in hot with judgmental questions? If so, then spare yourself a messy meet-up and just decline or unmatch.

The Flirting Hour: Practicing Boundaries With Communication

There is a ton of misunderstanding about “playing hard to get.” Most people have the hardest time with this, saying it’s game playing. Honestly, you need to steer the ship because a guy will message you all day long if you let him, resulting in him getting bored and moving on. It’s crucial to control when to speak to men and to not let them monopolize your day…..

What is the flirting hour?…..

Pick a time when you are free and relaxed. It could be the afternoon, or in the evening while watching TV. Carve out that time and do not answer messages until then. It will make the conversation more lively and engaged instead of being distracted and with him constantly asking “WYD?”

Practice saying “TTYL”…..

It’s so hard to actually say this especially since we are surgically attached to our phones. However, it is important to actually say you are busy, even if it means you are taking a walk. It puts up boundaries that you aren’t available 24/7 to chat. Turn your phone on silent around bedtime. The witching hour will bring out guys sending “U up” texts.

Why is this important?….

The more you chat the less likely he will ask you out. He will be getting his emotional needs met and will feel no urgency to see you. This is when the pen pal situation happens.

You might lose interest….

A good match might be discarded because you talked him to death. There is such a thing as over-communicating in the early stages.

Turn off notifications in Tinder and Snapchat….

If you are constantly getting banner alerts on your phone, it’s impossible not to check. Turn off notifications and check at your convenience. Yes, you will get more messages at once, but that’s okay. You can tell your friends to text you instead of Snapchat. Men get pissed off if you open and ignore. Just wait until you are ready to have a conversation.

Some men are going to bail or get mad at you….

Having communication boundaries will make some men angry. The Snapchat boys will unfriend you or at worst huff and puff. I recently had a random guy quick add me on Snapchat from another country. I tried to keep up communication as politely as I could. Keep in mind he basically “cold called” me and expected me to swoon. His final message before unfriending me was saying I was selfish and he was not surprised I was alone….The needy casual guys are not willing to wait or chase you; they want it now or not at all.

Respond time when a crush texts you….

Ok…This is a controversial rule in the book, “The Rules.” The book says to wait a certain amount of time to respond to a first text, depending on your age. The oldest age range should wait four hours! I agree and disagree with this. I do think we give guys too much reassurance when we respond a minute later. Women think the longer you wait to respond the better. This is not true; responding days later kills the dating momentum and can backfire. If you wait an hour or so he might have an internal panic attack and that’s what you want. Guys have done this to me and I have gone though the five stages of grief until he responded an hour later. It’s a tactic that does work. So, try to wait until your TV show episode is over, or you finished eating dinner.

Get in the zone….

This is why you need to pick a time where you are relaxed. Sending messages throughout the workday will result in you complaining and telling him about office gossip he does not care about. Peel back the layer and get into a flirting energy. Your conversations will click better and result in more dates.

Bottom Line…..

Technology is great for connecting, yet we don’t realize how much of our free time we are giving up. It’s important to have time for yourself that does not involve entertaining other people. Even with friends and bosses it’s a good idea to put up boundaries or they will feel entitled to chat morning, noon, and night. Actually saying “TTYL” is a good start to let a person know you have boundaries. It does not mean you are finding a cure for cancer–you just feel like unplugging. Turn off notifications on Tinder and Snapchat and don’t open messages until you are ready. If you carve out a “flirting hour,” then you will be in a good zone to flirt which will result in more dates.

Speaking In Story And Feeling

A good storyteller paints a picture and draws an audience in. If you watch any stand-up comedian, a good story has vivid details, twists and turns, and even a “call back,” meaning bringing up a point you made earlier to tie into the payoff of the story. How we communicate though the apps or on a date is crucial. People can come across as very boring by just stating facts. In masculine-energy mode, communication is direct and to the point. With flirting, you want to take a guy on an adventure with your words. It’s hard for most women to be in her body and in the present moment. Most of our stories are timelines (where we went to school; on this date we got divorced; yesterday we ate a turkey sub). But how did the turkey sub make you feel? I kid, but that’s the idea–it’s more about speaking with emotions and not logic. Most of the time we have to unlearn speaking in our masculine mode. Probably along the way, you had a boss or boyfriend who couldn’t stand your emotions or wanted you to “speak logically.” What can we do to untangle our thinking towards speaking in our feminine energy?…..

Story telling…..

Speaking in stories on dates is important. The Charisma Quotient podcast titled, “Reasons you’re not progressing in love,” Kimmy explains to a client the importance of storytelling. Once the workday is done, it’s time to switch to thinking “in feeling.” For example, a match or date asks,”have you traveled abroad?” Instead of, “Yeah, I visited Ireland back in 2017. It was a work trip,” say instead, “Omg! I went to Ireland a few years back. I have never seen a greener country! The water was crystal clear and the grass was an emerald green. It was breathtaking!” Saying it this way opens up more questions on his end.

Positivity opens doors; negativity closes them…..

Misery loves company, yet it can slam a door shut for future communication. Sure you can bond over stuff you hate, but you have to bring positivity and be funny, too. No one really likes a snarky person as a love interest. It will put you in the friend zone or the casual zone. A dream partner is uplifting, fun to be around, and has almost a childlike view of the world.

How long should a story be…..

A story can be a sentence. Just because it’s a story doesn’t mean it has to be an hourlong tale. When you are answering questions it should open up new topics that you are sharing. It can even smoothly transition him into asking you on a date. It’s easier to go from you gushing about tacos and him suggesting he take you to his favorite food truck.

Stories should stay in the positive past…..

If it’s a story about your past, again keep it positive. This isn’t an opportunity to tell your childhood trauma. Paint yourself in a good light. And it’s not about him rolling on the floor laughing either. It’s him getting a gage about what you like and little tidbits about your past. He doesn’t want to think you are bitter or resentful of the hand you were dealt.

Listen to your physical tone of voice…..

This is often overlooked. Sometimes, a tone of voice can be a turnoff. If you sound like the teacher in the movie “Ferris Bueller,” it won’t be attractive. I mean yea, obviously you are given the voice you were born with (don’t fake a British accent). Yet, tone of voice and inflections can sound different when a person is excited or bored. Your tone of voice gets higher if you are happy and excited and lower and scatchy if you are tired. If you are unsure of how you sound, record yourself with a voice note. We can’t hear our voice since our ears are on the side of our head. In our mind we think we sound sultry, but the reality is it’s low and monotone.

Practice speaking in feeling….

Practice a few rhetorical phrases alone in your room out loud. “It’s so chilly in this room I want to find my cozy blanket.” Or, “I’m so hungry I would kill for a cheesy slice of pizza right now.” Speaking in the present might feel silly or a waste of breath. However, you are recognizing what you are feeling in the present moment in your body, not your head.

You are allowed to rewrite your story…..

Not saying you should make up a story or lie. But let’s say you went to Cabo ten years ago on spring break and you had a miserable time for most of it. You were fighting with your college roommate and she called dibs on the guy you liked. I bet you had a day where the sun was shining and you went to the beach and had a blast. You have poetic license to only mention the good parts of the story. It doesn’t mean you are lying, it just means you are only bringing to light the nice parts of the story.

Bottom Line…..

Never feel pressured to be an award-winning storyteller. The most important thing is to be in the present moment and express your feelings and emotions. It can help you down the road if you are in an argument. You can speak with your emotions or how his words made you feel, instead of shutting him out. If you are naturally funny then great, but it’s more about being in tune with observing your surroundings. You are allowed to edit things with your past stories, but you don’t need to tell the gritty details. The most important thing is to sound interesting and make him feel comfortable enough to open up. Maybe your sentence-of-a-story prompts him to tell a story he has never told anyone. Overall, be positive and don’t slip into resentment or complaining. Everyone loves a positive person and that’s the kind of partner he will want around.

Trusting Yourself in Early Communication

Every girl has a ghostwriter. She will take a screenshot of an app conversation and poll the group chat to chime in. I used to do this all the time, out of insecurity. I didn’t trust that I was witty or had flirting skills. The problem with it is that I wasn’t being my authentic self. There is a lot of pressure to be engaging, so it makes total sense to want a room full of writers for every text exchange. How do we trust that what we are saying is good?

It takes practice, no matter what…

If you are outsourcing your conversations to other people, you aren’t practicing how to flirt yourself. And it’s false advertising. It will be hit or miss until you figure out a good rhythm.

Remember that you don’t have to do all the work…

You have to have the mindset of thinking that you are the receiver, not the pursuer. So, you shouldn’t have a legal pad full of jokes and limericks to impress him. You aren’t the hired entertainment. Yes, there should be witty banter, but you aren’t the birthday clown.

Yes and…

In improv, “yes and…” is a well-known technique. This means that you keep the conversation from hitting a wall. No conversation enders or one-word answers. Ask leading questions and let him talk more.

Keep it positive…

Misery loves company. It’s so easy to hate on things together. The problem with it is that it doesn’t move you forward. People claim they want someone who they can complain to, but it opens up a toxic dynamic. This works fine for friendships, but most people want relationships to be uplifting.

Sarcasm doesn’t come across well though text…

Most of the time it could be misunderstood. In text, a lot of jokes don’t land because it’s read as something literal. It is important to say you are joking or to use emojis.

Steer clear of trauma bonding….

Again keep it positive. There is no need to volunteer bad information about yourself. Self-deprecating humor works better in person and should be used sparingly.

Space out your replies….

It’s never a great idea to be responding in nano-seconds. Space out your response times a bit. Go by what he is giving you. If he is playing the three-day rule, wait half-a-day to respond back.

Bottom Line…

There is a ton of pressure to be witty, sexy, and cool all wrapped up into one person. Some personalities translate better in person. The problem is you won’t get to the date if your personality doesn’t shine though text. When you ask other people to write the text for you, it reinforces that you don’t know what you are doing. You use it as a crutch. You can’t take a friend on your date. It’s best to be authentic from the start with the positive sides of your personality. Trust that you can do it and if it fails, you are learning and getting better with practice.