Wanting The Relationship To Evolve

It can be frustrating if you have great chemistry, he treats you well, yet he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. You begin to blame yourself and are convinced you are not girlfriend material. Most likely what happened was the relationship was rushed sexually and it became impossible to work backwards to get to know one another….

Can we avoid becoming casual in the first place?…..

How a relationship starts is so important! It’s easy to get in a pattern of going over to his place and hooking up. When you delay sex and insist of going on dates in public, you will avoid being stuck in limbo. It’s extremely hard to work backwards. If you already jumped the gun and slept together, see if he wants to scale things back. If he suggests dates in public and asks non-sexual questions about your life, you are on the right track.

You are always being tested…..

He might not have a clipboard on him, but he is constantly judging and testing you. When he brings you around his friends, that is the first test. Maybe you weren’t a great conversationalist with them and had your face in your phone.

What if you really catch feelings…..

If you are the type that gets easily attached to guys, then you need to pump the brakes at the beginning. Not every woman can do casual. Getting involved in an F-boy is the worst situation. Don’t accept bottom-of-the-barrel dates or send him nudes. Be firm about public dates. If he ghosts, then he was just after one thing. Get out sooner than later; he isn’t going to change his mind. You can waste years trying to impress a dude who doesn’t even know your college major.

Keep the “relationship” under wraps…..

The second you start talking to friends about how great he is, it will fall apart. Don’t glamorize or seek constant advice about him to your friends. Your bestie doesn’t want to see you hurt, however, her objections might “Romeo and Juliet” your attraction to him. Meaning, you will feel like it’s you and him against the world.

Can you turn it around and get serious?….

Hmmm….it’s hard. Men love murky and strive to be in a FWB situation for as long as you let him. He has probably put you in the hook-up bucket and cannot see you as more. If you don’t want to drop the hard ultimatum just yet, see what his actions are. Distance yourself a little and resist reaching out and texting. Pay attention to what he does on holidays and your birthday (if he even knows your birthday). He might be saying he wants to take you to a nice dinner, yet if you wind up only going to his place, then that was intentional. Actions speak louder than words in this case.

Keep dating people!….

Can’t stress this enough. A lot of the time a FWB will want to be exclusive. Yet it can be misinterpreted to mean boyfriend. It usually means he does not want you sleeping with other men. Do not agree to any form of exclusivity unless it is being boyfriend / girlfriend. In the meantime, keep going on dates, keep up with the apps. Don’t make him your entire world.

Bottom Line…..

If you are looking to get into a serious relationship, you have to do things differently. It involves patience and restraint. Resist having sex early on; it’s hard to work backwards to get to know a person. Don’t have the mindset, “whatever happens, happens.” You should be thinking of future consequences. Has a relationship ever formed based on a one-night stand?…sure, but you shouldn’t count on it happening and it’s not worth the risk. If you are just seeking casual and mean it, then great. You don’t have to force a casual guy to be your boyfriend. Just enjoy your time while you have it.

Burn Out Part 2

Hitting a low point midweek makes us crave stimulation and validation from men. We might be swiping more, or reaching out to guys who have faded on us. At a certain point you will get swipe fatigue and dating exhaustion. When we fall into the rabbit hole of the apps, it can keep us from focusing on our friends, family, and hobbies. How can we shift our priorities and not crash and burn…..

Make a schedule…..

Have said it before, but a dating schedule is crucial. Figure out an actual time of day to delegate to swiping and chatting. Hide your apps in a hidden folder. You might notice a pattern when you feel low; you swipe until your thumbs are numb. Jot down in your notes what time of day that is to collect data. Are you crashing from caffeine at the time? Is it late at night and are you anxious?

Hang out with friends more than dates….

Remember your friends? Yeah, I am sure you have put them on the back burner. It’s time to reach out and see how they are doing. Put plans with your friends first even if a guy decides to text you last minute. Try not to complain the whole time about dating. Ask about how their school, work, and passion-project is going.

Scale back dates….

Just because you have been asked doesn’t mean you should accept. If you haven’t fully vetted him, it’s not worth the date. Most guys want the cheapest and easiest date for them. You deserve a nice date, not a McDonald’s drive-through.

Ignore, unfriend, unmatch…..

If he is coming in hot with being a sleaze bag, he isn’t going to take you on a nice date. He expects you to show up at his place at 2:00 am. He is a taker and you are a dime-a-dozen.

Try to talk to guys who are in a good place….

He will tell you if he is in a rough patch. When a man is in a great place, he is more likely to commit. You won’t have to put up with hot-and-cold behavior. Years will be wasted on this type of guy.

Get your priorities in check….

The reason you are feeling burnout is because you put dating first. You need to place it on the back burner before it burns you. The hours you spent swiping could have been used to work on your side hustle. I am willing to bet you love a dating distraction to keep yourself from reaching your goals.

Download a game…..

Dating apps are gamified to keep us coming back. It’s fun to swipe on guys and get that gratification when we get a match. You could instead download a game to play when you are hitting a slump in your day. It will pacify you until the feeling of boredom has passed.

Don’t resort to deleting the apps every other week….

Its tempting to want a fresh start. Yet, you will find the next day you will feel FOMO and want to re-download. The cycle will continue. Again, hide the apps in a folder and turn off your notifications.

Bottom Line….

Intentions and priorities are the tools that are going to prevent you from burnout. Society encourages women to put dating first, which results in most women being too distracted to ask for a promotion or work on a side hustle. Dating should be on your schedule and men should be heavily vetted. There are people in your life (friends, family, business partners) who should be higher up on the list. It’s not to say you should be a workaholic and ignore dating. There just needs to be a shift in perspective on what your focus should be.