How Can An Average Joe Be “Camp Hot”?

I frequently chat with my guy friends about dating. All have sighed and said they get zero matches on the apps and are getting discouraged. First, I try to fix up the profile, switch out the photos, then see if there is any traction. However, the apps are not set up to favor the men. Women get constantly swiped on and only really have to get their photos out there. If a guy thinks she is his physical type — swipe right. With women… it’s a little more complex: personality, humor, and occupation go a long way. A simple 2D profile cannot capture the essence of a human. This brings me to “camp hot” and how an average Joe can capitalize on the concept….

What is “camp hot”?…..

It is a biological concept where if men are scarce, then women will find the men more enticing. It goes back to a “stranded on a desert island” or in a potato famine situation. Women, to be able to breed, had to perceive the dwindling men as attractive. It is the opposite of the “cheerleader effect,“ coined by Barney Stinson in the show “How I Met Your Mother.” The effect is where women in groups will all look the same. When one woman is gorgeous, the men will perceive all the females in the group to be hot.

What should a guy not do?….

Key mistakes are to go against the theory. Any place where he blends in or where there are too many options, he should steer away from. Dating apps are the worst idea. Even decently attractive men will be swiped aside to favor the most attractive out there. Yes, women might take a beat and read a profile more. However, a few prompts, even if interesting, can’t trump model looks.

Be a leader….

Women need a story about a guy. She is more likely to be asked what a guy does versus what he looks like. When he is in charge of hosting an event, the lead singer of a band, or runs an indie film fest, she can share that with her friend. It creates an identity with that guy as well.

Pick a class or club that caters to women….

There are certain classes that are geared more to women. A pottery class or a “wine and sip” club, for example, are great ones. Just like in the classroom days, the girls will scope out the room for the cute guys. The fewer single guys, the more leverage.

Go out with your “wing men” sparingly….

Hanging with the bros seems like a natural way to go to bars. However, when it’s a big group of men, the women zero in on who’s the most charismatic and talks the most. An average guy is usually introverted and isn’t good at hitting on women. When going out, pick a mixed group of females and males. With a mixture of mostly women, but a handful of men, it helps you stand out since there are fewer choices to go through. When there isn’t a group to go with, be okay with a solo happy hour. Suit up, show up, and try to strike up conversations. Going earlier is a better strategy than last call.

Bottom Line….

With modern dating, the attractive Alpha males know how to be in the spotlight. They have no issue with the apps and thrive while going out with the boys at the bars. The sensitive, average, or introverted men get swiped aside. It is a shame since most of the nice guys make wonderful boyfriends. An average guy can stand out and shine when there are fewer shiny objects eclipsing him. I have fallen for many guys who are in charge of something. Many times to girlfriends, I would exclaim I am seeing “Brad the DJ” or “Peter the guy who runs the bad movie night on Thursdays.” Let’s face it, the apps are starting to be on the decline. Everything old is new again, with dating mixers and friends more willing to do a set up. Soon, the average guy will become the exceptional guy once meeting in person becomes the norm again.

Keeping Calm And Carrying On: Navigating A Difficult Date

Coming across a jaded dude on the apps is pretty common. He might have just gotten divorced or has been burned too many times. Usually, there are no sweet nothings and flowery language. Just blunt and to the point. He might question your competence and your life decisions. This situation hopefully will only be a first date you took a chance on. (It might even happen in an intense interview). How do you get though a date where the guy is grilling you?…..

Remain calm no matter what….

I have had dates where the guy loved to neg and question my life choices. A 9-5er will scoff at a non-traditional career path and schedule. However, some men actually want to bully for their amusement. It’s important to not take the bait.

Don’t answer questions right away…..

Take a few moments to think of an answer. Don’t just fumble into an anxious defense. Take a moment, sip your drink, and smile. He might feel awkward and ashamed he asked the question in the first place.

Change the subject…..

Deflection is your friend. You can always change the subject or interrupt the question with you saying you need to use the restroom or get another drink. Most questions have an expiration date and can be disrupted. Everyone has a short attention span and wants to move on.

Shift the questions on him….

A lot of politicians answer a question with a question. It’s a tactic that puts the asker on the spot.

Ask him to repeat the questions…..

He might be embarrassed he asked a question and might retreat when confronted to repeat it.

Kill him with humor…..

A good comeback is calm and hilarious. There are no swear words or low blows. A lot of comedians who handle hecklers on a nightly basis have the quick comeback down. The best part is the restraint to not show you are offended and to keep it light and smart. Not everyone can pull this off, but it’s an amazing skill to do a “mic drop” moment if necessary.

Poker face…..

Your emotions will show up in your eyes. You might frown or have terror written all over your face. Consciously try to not move your brows or narrow your eyes.

Get grounded…..

Look around the room and mentally count how many objects are on a table. Get yourself centered back in the room and regroup. You heart might be racing and your blood pressure is going up. Inhale and exhale to get your pulse back down.

Give him the benefit of the doubt…..

You can’t know the full intent based on one question. You could be projecting your insecurities and hearing a reasonable questions as an attack. Assume, at least at first, that he is kidding or lightly roasting. Some guys just have a sarcastic tone and it is hard to tell if he is purposely tearing you down.

Don’t stay long…..

The longer you feel disrespected the more he learns you are perfectly fine with it. If it’s truly uncomfortable and you feel he is pushing you over the limit, then leave. You don’t have to make a scene, just politely say you need to go.

Bottom Line…..

Uncomfortable dates or even interviews for jobs will happen. You truly don’t know what kind of mood a person will be in. Obviously, you can leave immediately and not put up with any disrespect. However, this could be good practice around difficult people ( family, co-workers, bosses). It’s good to know you can stand your ground and not be rattled by any little question. The main thing is to not come across as affected. Most bullies need an active audience. Pick up on the vibes before the date is set up. Is he already coming in hot with judgmental questions? If so, then spare yourself a messy meet-up and just decline or unmatch.

The Golden Triangle: Dating Abundantly

I came up with the “Golden Triangle” principle in my early 20s. I was single for the first time after college and was finally able to experience “adult dating.” The Golden Triangle basically means that you have one main person you see, then an alternative, and a wild card. The middle of the triangle is a free space for new dates or chatting on apps. Obviously, this plan doesn’t match every dating scenario, although if you are at a place where you want to see what’s out there, then it’s a good guideline. I am a huge advocate for dating abundantly. Yet, it’s good to have strategy and not go overboard on who you are seeing. It also helps with maintaining a full life and not getting invested too soon….

The Main Guy….

The main guy (maintenance guy) is who you see the most. He lives in your town and is convenient. Your bread and butter, so to speak. As a warning, you have to be careful that you don’t make him your main priority. Location is important because it’s pointless to travel a far distance to see him. He has said he is looking for casual and you have an understanding that you are friends with benefits. Don’t get mad if he forgets your birthday.

The Alternative….

You might be just in the going-on-dates phase with him, nothing physical. You probably like this guy the most, but don’t want to blow it by moving too fast. He is the guy you connect with on an emotional level. You have great conversations, have a lot in common, and enjoy hanging in public.

The Wild Card….

This guy lives out-of-town or even in another state. He might come in and out of your life at random. Hearing from him is a total surprise and you catch up when he is in town.

Pitfalls….

You will probably feel like a bobber in the water, just chilling until a fish grabs you. However, it’s good practice to be the receiver rather than pursuer. You can try your hand at reaching out and inviting him, but the probability is not in your favor that he will show up. Just because it is casual does not mean there is no structure or boundaries. It is really about having options. There will be times when no one texts you. Be prepared for that.

Who is the most important….

Get some data on who is pursuing you. Outside of the main guy see who is actually making an effort. Obviously, you are going to be responding and sparingly reaching out, but sit back a little bit more.

You don’t have to sleep with everyone….

The main guy is probably filling that void. Don’t feel pressure from every date to feel you have to go all the way. The main guy is your anchor and makes you feel you don’t need to take whatever comes your way. It is up to you who you want to hook up with or not.

Avoid being a rebound….

It might seem like a good idea since it’s just going to be casual. The downside is it might be full of drama and you have to play therapist. It sort of puts the power in his hands if he is using you for his agenda.

Don’t talk about other dates….

As far as new dates and “The Alternative” it’s best to keep a little mystery. (Your main guy and wild card should be aware you are dating other guys. Be sexually safe and get tested regularly ). Some guys love the competition and some don’t. You never know who you are dealing with. There is no reason to make him jealous or rub in his face that you are dating others. Until there is an exclusivity chat then assume he is also dating.

Keep seeing people….

It’s not over until it’s over. Never assume that’s it’s headed to an exclusive relationship. I have made the mistake of thinking it was going towards a relationship and then I didn’t hear from him in a week with no new dates on the books. The change in the wind can happen abruptly. You shouldn’t delete your apps and clear your calendar for a guy you have been on three dates with.

Bottom Line….

If you just got out of a huge break up or want to move things slowly, the “Golden Triangle” might work best for you. It may help break a pattern of you lily-padding to the next relationship so quickly. This is a great time to work on boundaries and collect data on the type of guy you like. The main thing to keep in mind is to put yourself first and understand abundance, not scarcity. There is no pressure to have sex with anyone unless you want to. There will be moments that no one is reaching out, which is why it is important to keep up with friends, family, work, and hobbies. Have a full life before you bring dating into it.