The Jam Experiment

“The Jam Experiment” is about the paradox of choice. It was an analogy of consumers having too many choices, therefore not making ANY choices. Picture a whole floor-to-ceiling shelf of jam. You would be so overwhelmed by the number of choices that you would be unable to pick one. Having only three or four variety of jams, you would be able to purchase one; the same works for dating. In the app-culture we live in now it’s overwhelming to pick one person to date, making us unable to commit. This is a case where you are ready to settle on one guy. If you want abundance, then the app-world will certainly give it to you. In the pursuit of wanting commitment there can be a lot of extra visual and mental clutter that needs a good spring cleaning….

Are the apps helpful or hurtful?…..

It is nice to cast a wider net and meet men you would normally never meet. Plus, it’s easier to date men from other religious and cultural and financial backgrounds. You no longer are stuck in your own social circle. However, it creates the illusion of endless choice and options. For the casual dater that is an advantage. It’s good to have the attitude of “onto the next.” If you are wanting something more serious, then obviously having too many options is a problem. It’s best to use apps less and go through friends or meeting men in person at events, etc.

How many apps are too many?…..

Having too many dating apps on your phone can get complicated. Try out the ones that you find the most helpful and that give you the most forward motion. It really depends on the area you live in. One app may have more options than others. It’s too hard to keep conversations going with six different apps.

Should you edit your matches?…..

Keeping matches organized can be a good idea, but not necessary. It might be a good idea to cut the fat, so to speak, and only keep around the matches that want to meet up. Eliminating visual clutter can make the apps less overwhelming and prevent dating burnout.

How many dates should you go on?……

Once a week should be your max. This way you still have time to focus on your friends and work. Dating is a numbers game to a certain extent, but that doesn’t have to mean going out with a new guy every night.

Should you vet the guy more before meeting in person?…..

Yes. It’s not worth agreeing to go out with a guy that you know won’t work out. You need to keep some deal breakers in mind ( he just got out of a breakup, lives far away, is only looking for casual when you want something serious, etc). This will prevent you from having a pointless date.

Quality over quantity……

Make an effort to meet men off the apps. The best is through friends or extracurricular activities. Join an improv group or a soccer league. You might be surprised who you connect with. It will be a slower process, but it’s worth it to meet better men. Write down a list of green flags you are looking for. Challenge yourself to think in terms of his morals and lifestyle, not just physical appearance.

Bottom Line……

Too many choices result in zero choices. We are all susceptible to analysis paralysis. Going on endless dates can cause dating burnout where you are just in an endless first-date loop. For “law of attraction” purposes it might be a good idea to write down the qualities you want out of a guy. This way it’s in your brain and you will be able to recognize it when it’s in front of you. Keep only one to two apps on your phone. This cuts down the clutter and flurry of pointless messages. Only continue to talk to men who want to meet you. Make a point to network with more people in public. We live in a time where face-to-face communication is discouraged. Learn how to be social again and stop staring at your phone the whole time you are out.

The Golden Triangle: Dating Abundantly

I came up with the “Golden Triangle” principle in my early 20s. I was single for the first time after college and was finally able to experience “adult dating.” The Golden Triangle basically means that you have one main person you see, then an alternative, and a wild card. The middle of the triangle is a free space for new dates or chatting on apps. Obviously, this plan doesn’t match every dating scenario, although if you are at a place where you want to see what’s out there, then it’s a good guideline. I am a huge advocate for dating abundantly. Yet, it’s good to have strategy and not go overboard on who you are seeing. It also helps with maintaining a full life and not getting invested too soon….

The Main Guy….

The main guy (maintenance guy) is who you see the most. He lives in your town and is convenient. Your bread and butter, so to speak. As a warning, you have to be careful that you don’t make him your main priority. Location is important because it’s pointless to travel a far distance to see him. He has said he is looking for casual and you have an understanding that you are friends with benefits. Don’t get mad if he forgets your birthday.

The Alternative….

You might be just in the going-on-dates phase with him, nothing physical. You probably like this guy the most, but don’t want to blow it by moving too fast. He is the guy you connect with on an emotional level. You have great conversations, have a lot in common, and enjoy hanging in public.

The Wild Card….

This guy lives out-of-town or even in another state. He might come in and out of your life at random. Hearing from him is a total surprise and you catch up when he is in town.

Pitfalls….

You will probably feel like a bobber in the water, just chilling until a fish grabs you. However, it’s good practice to be the receiver rather than pursuer. You can try your hand at reaching out and inviting him, but the probability is not in your favor that he will show up. Just because it is casual does not mean there is no structure or boundaries. It is really about having options. There will be times when no one texts you. Be prepared for that.

Who is the most important….

Get some data on who is pursuing you. Outside of the main guy see who is actually making an effort. Obviously, you are going to be responding and sparingly reaching out, but sit back a little bit more.

You don’t have to sleep with everyone….

The main guy is probably filling that void. Don’t feel pressure from every date to feel you have to go all the way. The main guy is your anchor and makes you feel you don’t need to take whatever comes your way. It is up to you who you want to hook up with or not.

Avoid being a rebound….

It might seem like a good idea since it’s just going to be casual. The downside is it might be full of drama and you have to play therapist. It sort of puts the power in his hands if he is using you for his agenda.

Don’t talk about other dates….

As far as new dates and “The Alternative” it’s best to keep a little mystery. (Your main guy and wild card should be aware you are dating other guys. Be sexually safe and get tested regularly ). Some guys love the competition and some don’t. You never know who you are dealing with. There is no reason to make him jealous or rub in his face that you are dating others. Until there is an exclusivity chat then assume he is also dating.

Keep seeing people….

It’s not over until it’s over. Never assume that’s it’s headed to an exclusive relationship. I have made the mistake of thinking it was going towards a relationship and then I didn’t hear from him in a week with no new dates on the books. The change in the wind can happen abruptly. You shouldn’t delete your apps and clear your calendar for a guy you have been on three dates with.

Bottom Line….

If you just got out of a huge break up or want to move things slowly, the “Golden Triangle” might work best for you. It may help break a pattern of you lily-padding to the next relationship so quickly. This is a great time to work on boundaries and collect data on the type of guy you like. The main thing to keep in mind is to put yourself first and understand abundance, not scarcity. There is no pressure to have sex with anyone unless you want to. There will be moments that no one is reaching out, which is why it is important to keep up with friends, family, work, and hobbies. Have a full life before you bring dating into it.

Scarcity Mindset

Our mind is a powerful thing. I am a believer in manifesting and the importance of a positive perspective. It goes back to the bike theory: If you tell yourself you need to buy a new bike then the next day you will notice all these bike shops you had not noticed before. Your brain loves to be proven right. This can be positive if you are thinking positive. However, if you have negative view point your brain still doesn’t want to be wrong and will present you with negative situations. This happens a lot with dating when women complain, “there are no good men left!”. Or “my town sucks for dating!” Saying negative statements like this out loud will only make them a reality….

“But, seriously, my town does suck for dating”….

Literally everyone has said this. I have heard this from women who live in New York City, to LA, to Portland. I live in a college town so I know about dating in a bad town. There is always an excuse. It puts the problem on others and not yourself. You need to think about how many people live in your town. (Maybe even look it up.) Think about how many people you haven’t met and who just moved to the town.

“But should I move”?…

Honestly, I think it’s more about attitude than just running away. You can make it work in every city if you remain positive. There are lists for “the best cities for singles” out there that change every single year. The important thing about a city for singles is: Is it affordable? Are there things to do? Is it walkable? And how many bars and restaurants are there? A lot of the cities that get on the lists are huge cities such as LA. In my opinion, a huge city has a ton of competition and you will be stuck in traffic. A “long distance relationship” might be ten miles away, but takes an hour to get to each other.

Stop saying negative phrases out loud….

Saying things like, “men are trash,” “all the good ones are taken,” and “I will never find the one” are very bad things to say to yourself. Again, your mind wants to be correct so you will end up manifesting toxic men in your life.

Have a dating mantra…

A good mantra to say is, “there are great men everywhere.” Think with an abundant mindset. Also, the saying is sort of true that when you aren’t looking then it will fall into your lap.

Go beyond the apps…

Even just going for a walk in a different part of town or grabbing a to-go coffee that changes your routine can help. Obviously, it is more difficult to meet someone in person these days. The important thing right now is to try to flip your negative thinking into positive. This could apply to finding a new job or achieving small goals. Once you practice the abundant mindset it will get easier to use it for dating.

Bottom Line…

It’s easy to blame your city for why you haven’t been on good dates. The reality is that most of your dates will be neutral no matter where you live. Practice abundance in your daily life. Put positive intentions out to the universe and see what happens. If you really want to move to a new city, consider your options carefully. Moving to a large city might make your life harder, not easier. Think about how your life will be and if you can navigate it on a daily basis. However, sometimes taking a big risk can really pay off and change the course of your life. If you choose to stay, then change up your routine and expand your social circle.